11 minute read

Inside Feature

Searching for the

soul of Dads

Hi, I’m Dan! I set up Dad La Soul as a profit for-purpose social enterprise six years ago. Dad La Soul is a revolutionary, grassroots movement that uses arts, tech and music to address social isolation or loneliness that Dads can feel.

A shift in perception of what a Dad’s role is in a modern family is overdue. For Dads to be this modern version, we need to create support networks instead of setting them up to fail.

I know from personal experience what failure felt like; I know how hard it can be to find new friends as a new Dad. The older you get, the smaller your social circle gets, and the more expensive babysitters are, then the hangovers get worse.

You catch up with your old mates on Facebook less and less. Your social life revolves around the friends your wife or partner has met on the school run, and you are thrown into a long term relationship with their other halves.

I wanted to find a place, where it’s just other Dads like me, hanging out with our kids: no awkwardness or stupid questions. Try as I did, I couldn’t find anywhere that fitted the bill. That is why I built Dad La Soul.

We now run a network of Dad/ Child only play dates across Sussex, producing everything from stand-up comedy and rap workshops in old folks homes to silent discos, beach cleaning raves that sit nicely alongside Lego, soft-play and crafting!

The idea is that Dads need something of their own to make friends, talk honestly and let off steam with their kids in a safe space.

During lockdown, we launched the “Dad La Soul Sessions” – a Dads-only event that runs monthly on a Thursday night. It brings together Dads from all over the country to laugh, talk openly, access professional wellness and mental health experts free of charge, watch stand-up comedians and take part in challenges.

Fatherhood doesn’t come with a rulebook. I know from personal experience, how difficult and lonely ‘Dadulthood’ can be.

At Dad La Soul, all the activities and content sparks conversation. If I were to say in a pub, “Hey, middle-aged men, come over here and talk about your problems!”, I’d be showered in strange looks and a chorus of “Not me, mate, I’m fine!” – But I know different. 73% of members admitted to feeling socially isolated.

One minute we’ll have Dads from all over the UK debating why “The Stone Roses” are the greatest band ever and laughing at the ensuing banter. Then, in a heartbeat, someone will open up about their gambling issues and the unprocessed grief of stillbirth. Next, someone will ask, how to support a teenage daughter with her periods and eating disorders, or is it OK, that their five-year, West-Ham mad lad only wants to dress like a princess? Then the doors are flung open and they have access to a wealth of support, advice or just someone to listen to them vent safely. That is an incredibly powerful thing.

Through my work with the Dad La Soulies, I have been privileged to participate in all these conversations and more.

If you want to find out more about Dad La Soul, please check out www.dadlasoul.com @dadlasoul on socials or

drop me an email

dan@dadlasoul.com

Dad La Soul Sessions

(Dads Only On-line Event) Last Thursday of each month @ 9 pm – a brand new dad-only event, that aims to give the dads a well-needed chance to chat, laugh, listen and hangout. Special guest speakers and Q&As. Dad La Soul – Dad/Child Play dates (Worthing) • Saturday, June 26th • Saturday, July 31st • Saturday, Sept 25th • Saturday, Oct 30st • Saturday, Nov 27th • Saturday, Dec 11th

Male Mental Health

in the UK in 2021

When it comes to male mental health it’s important to remember that talking is goo. So why do us men find it hard to do just that?

The various charities & campaigns that spread male mental health awareness in the United Kingdom We have probably all seen the advertising campaigns on television or social media urging us all to “get talking” – the annual “Movember” fundraiser and the various other campaigns run by charities such as Mind UK, Mental Health Foundation and CALM. However, when presented with the stark statistics around male mental health in the UK, the information never fails to resonate deeply within me.

Three times as many men as women die by suicide in the UK. • In 2020 the ONS reported male suicide figures at all time high of 16.9 deaths per 100,000 men.

This equates to an average of 12 deaths per day. • Nearly three-quarters of adults who go missing are men. • Men are nearly three times as likely as women to become dependant on alcohol and three times as likely as women to report frequent drug use. • Only 36% of psychological talking therapy referrals to the NHS are for men.

We are now well into the year 2021 and as a nation our acceptance and overall ethics on a vast range of societal setbacks have been reshaped, re-educated and reiterated. Challenging subjects such as equality of the LGBT+ Communities, the ongoing abolishment of discriminatory gender pay gaps and although we have a long way to go, everyday we as a nation are chiselling a less xenophobic landscape and generally more accepting country.

There is, however, one area of our culture that we are light years behind other countries – male mental health...and talking about it.

With the above statistics considered, it poses the question; why is male mental health still such a taboo subject in today’s society?

There are many reasons why men don’t talk about their mental health. The outdated cliché that men are supposed to be “macho” and not losing masculinity. The rather nonchalant term “man up” is often used towards men who may be having deeper issues than just “having a down day” and does absolutely nothing to help their feelings apart from making them feel like a burden.

“Being a burden” or “not wanting to trouble anyone” is also another stance that men take with regards to their well-being. A study done of 1,000 men in 2015 by Priory Health Group found that 36% of men who suffer with their mental health didn’t want to talk to anyone else about how they were feeling for fear of burdening them or felt embarrassed.

There are many reasons in modern times for a man to have mental health concerns. Work related stress or unemployment, financial concerns, childhood abuse or trauma, social isolation and loneliness, bereavement, long-term stress and the general stresses of modern-day life can all be contributing factors. Postnatal depression can affect men too! It is estimated that 10% of new fathers suffer from postnatal depression globally. My own experience with mental health Only recently in the last few months I found myself suffering from severe anxiety, descending into the deep abyss of depression. I am guilty of falling into all of the above categories. My pride came before my overall health and wellbeing. I felt embarrassed that my emotions overpowered me and felt helpless that I could seemingly do nothing to combat them. I didn’t want to bring anyone else down into the depths that I was sinking into and tried to carry on as normal. If it wasn’t for recently becoming a father and having a one year old to provide for; I imagine I would still be carrying on with my day to day life with emotions and thoughts weighing me down.

My partner could sense that I wasn’t my usual self and insisted I talk to a doctor. Of course, at first like many men do – I played down my thoughts and feelings and tried to come up with reasons for not needing to speak to a doctor. My anxiety deteriorated; I was getting an average of 2 hours sleep a night. I lost over a stone in weight in just under a week. Insomnia combined with weight loss was the wakeup call I needed. Dark but somewhat realistic thoughts clouded my mind about driving my car with my daughter in the back after only having 2 hours sleep. I made a telephone appointment for the next day with my GP. 24 hours seemed like a lifetime to wait with how I was feeling, but as I was reminded by my partner, I had taken a step in the right direction. It would be accurate to say I was dreading the conversation with the GP.

Finally Talking To Someone About it Around 3pm the next day my phone rang. I talked with the GP in the privacy of the bedroom. I told her exactly how I was feeling. The tone of my GP’s concern changed when I brought up the lack of sleep, weight loss and having a 1 year old to care for. I was adamant that I didn’t want any medication that would affect me long term, (I explained I was worried about online horror stories about withdrawing from certain medications). The GP’s diagnosis for me was severe anxiety. She prescribed me Mirtazipine because she was concerned about the weight loss and insomnia. I was extremely apprehensive about starting the medication, but as she reiterated to me during the conversation – she was prescribing it to help me sleep, improve my appetite and to divert the intrusive thoughts that were blighting me.

The medication combined with talking-therapies, yoga and breathing techniques dramatically improved how I was feeling. I am so thankful that my partner insisted on the original phone call to the doctor. It is unclear what caused the anxiety, it could be several things. My mother sadly passed away when I was only 16, I am now 28 and although (as the doctor explained) I may think I have gone through the grieving process and I am “over it”, becoming a father it may have brought those feelings back up to the surface of my subconscious.

I think it’s also fair to admit that the last year of restrictions made daily life become a GroundhogDay-esque cycle of waking up, going to work, coming home and going to bed. This may have contributed to the anxiety and overall feelings I was living with. I know that medication is not the long-term solution to the anxiety and my overall mental health, but it has really helped to change my thought cycle. When the time comes that I decide I no longer wish to carry on with the medication, I will continue with yoga, talking and the breathing techniques.

Admitting to needing help is something that no man should feel shame to confess. Whether that is to a partner, a friend, a doctor or an impartial nonjudgemental ear. You are not alone and the attitudes, stigma and overall “brush under the carpet” mentality towards male mental health in the UK needs to change. It is clear to see the recent effects on mental health across the country, through loneliness, isolation or unemployment. We can only hope that, as restrictions start to ease, that men suffering with their mental health will access the therapies they need. Returning to the jobs and workplaces and enjoying their lives with their families again, doing the things they loved and brought them happiness before all of our lives were transformed into this dystopian “new normal” we have all been living through for the past year. To Conclude If I had to give one piece of advice from one man who has battled with mental health to another, it would be this; No matter how hard things seem at times and no matter how bleak your outlook portrays itself – there is always hope on the horizon, that is something nobody can take from you; hope… Never give up hope. By Callum Claffey-McKinnon

I found that with depression, one of the most important things you could realise is that you’re not alone. You’re not the first to go through it, you’re not going to be the last to go through it.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

I will not lose, for even in defeat, there‘s a valuable lesson learned, so it evens up for me.

Jay-Z

Mental health charities such as www.mind.org.uk provide a great source of information and resources for men suffering with their mental health. Mind provides services such as; emergency advice for those contemplating suicide, crisis coping tools, a 24 hour Info-Line and the “A-Z of Mental Health”. If you feel you are in a crisis and have nowhere to turn please remember it is good to talk and 24/7 help is only a phone call away – do not suffer in silence.

Mind.org.uk Info-line: 0300 123 3393 Email: info@mind.org.uk