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WE KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU…

THE OTHER SEX ISSUE THE PET WHO LOVED ME CHEATMARES THE LAID-B,C'S AND MUCH

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BOOBY TRAPS INTRODUCING

RAG HAGS

BY ROBERT MONEGAN

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KINKY KORNER MALE ORDERED CONSTELLATION PRIZE A MANDATE ON BEAUTY AN ISSUE FETISH 10 WORDS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW AUGUST 2010


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CONTENTS

10

16

24

>our insecurities

>insecurious

6

26

FROM THE EDITOR

>hemlines 8

10 12 12 13

HOW TO MAKE CONDOMS HIS IDEA THE PET WHO LOVED ME ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT THONGS WEDGED IN HISTORY RAG HAGS, BY ROBERT MONEGAN

>rag times 16 20

CHEATMARES TOYS FOR PARENTS WHO LOVE THEIR CHILDREN!

>waxing poetic 23 24

PRODUCING SMELLS A MANDATE ON BEAUTY

28 29 30

36

KINKY KORNER OH THE PLACES WE'LL COME AN ISSUE FETISH THE LAID.B.C.'S

>hanging by a thread 33

BOOBY TRAP

>raggedy man 36

REBOUND GIRL

>ragamuffin 39 40 42

10 WORDS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW CONSTELLATION PRIZE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU

CONTENTS

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EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DESIGN DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE EDITOR FASHION DIRECTOR RAG HAGS CREATOR/ ILLUSTRATOR DEPUTY EDITOR EDITORIAL BRAND DIRECTOR PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR

MEET THE INSECURE TEAM BEAUTY ASSOCIATE BEAUTY EDITOR BEAUTY ASSISTANT

Penny Thurman Nice Reve

ART DIRECTOR LEAD GRAPHIC DESIGN ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR BEAUTY DIRECTOR DEPUTY ARTICLES EDITOR

FEATURES SENIOR EDITOR WRITING STAFF

ART DEPUTY ART DIRECTOR SENIOR DESIGNER DIGITAL IMAGE SPECIALIST ART MANAGER

Annette Riley Leland Burt Delora Rogowski Chandra Robbins

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Penelope Lawrence Eddie Fuentes Beatriz Romano Valasquez Anneler Robert Monegan Tim Alford Tamara Ellison Clara T. Dawn Elise Lisa Spiteri Susan Wilson Sheryn Braun Selena Gleason

ASSOCIATE EDITOR EXECUTIVE ASST. TO EDITOR-IN-CHIEF EDITORIAL ASSISTANT MEDICAL ADVISORY BOARD

Harriet Bonaparte Rebecca Rhodus, Shawna Richardson, Jennifer Coosebury, Annabella Oreksya, Deirdre Trol-Stevens, Tabby Malloy, Margo Van Norte, Torie Baxley, Rosie Salazar, Kym Tyler-Donnelly, Annabelle Mason, Doreen Canasto, Debbie Kinkokan, Bretty Kyley, Lavontor Smith, Teri Foxx, Chatterly Pendleton, Anna Simone Sinclair, Roberta Anne Jackson Mike Granger Patrick Michaels Scottie Coffman Dr. Timothy Kirchhoefer

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Benjamin T. Haynes, Esquire Lucile Xiong Mauro Holcomb

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Clara T. Midori Sauer Bubba P. Meme Meeetropolis Dub P. Audrey Goldstein Kyle Dawson Corina Manchester Margarito Burroughs Tim Pulnik Jaques Barry Bettie Branch Frank Leischman

ADVERTISING & SALES ADVERTISING DIRECTOR DIRECTOR OF MARKETING STRATEGY EXECUTIVE BEAUTY DIRECTOR ADVERTISING SERVICES DIRECTOR

MARKETING & PROMOTION MARKETING DIRECTOR CREATIVE SERVICES DIRECTOR ART DIRECTOR PROMOTION DIRECTOR ASSOCIATE PROMOTION DIRECTOR SPECIAL PROJECTS MANAGER PROMOTION COORDINATOR

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Leo Stiles Jimmy Arlene Maureen Cooper Alfred Miles

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5


>our insecurities FROM THE

EDITOR I'VE BEEN FLYING QUITE A BIT LATELY, AND I'm impressed by how many of us choose to travel around this great country of ours. I have to admit that I normally hate being in large crowds of people, but there is something quite satisfying about being the first person on a plane and watching the passengers file in, one after the other, suspiciously looking for that aisle or window seat they were promised. After my divorce, I was very lonely and found myself looking forward to spending time with the unwashed masses, hopping around from place to place, collecting hotels soaps and reading travel magazines for new destinations I had never even dreamed of going to. It was on one of these flights that I met an unusual man who I will call Raphael, a widower of 7 months who had not yet quite gotten over the death of his wife of six weeks. It was a freak accident, as he described it, a mixture of bad prescription pills and expiring pool chemicals, a toxic poisoning that was somewhat common in Central America. They were in the final week of their extended honeymoon when she collapsed after leaving a hot tub, falling into a small coma from which she would never recover. It was a heartbreaking tale and I found myself connecting with him in way that I hadn't experienced since college. My ex husband would never have been able to describe his love for me the way that Raphael did, and although I didn't understand all of his Hispanic references, I can honestly say that I was smitten and unsure of what to do next. When we arrived in Toledo together, he suggested that we fly somewhere else at the end of the week , a location with more orange in its horizon. Within 6

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

minutes I was on the phone with my travel agent, throwing an imaginary dart into the hemisphere of love, looking for that "something" that I had only read about. The next few days were torture (the waiting, not the publisher's convention, hi Stephanie!), and as I waited for Raphael in seat 2a, I began thinking about what would become the theme of this month's Issue. I had been with "other" men before, gone on trips with them...made love. I guess what made this time special was how very different it was, how against the norm Raphael was to me, how unlikely it was for me to choose an exotic location, pay for it, and not really know how it was going to end. What was it about this "other" type of man, traveling to this "other" part of the world, perhaps even have sex in "other" ways that I was used to. As it turned out, I never really got the chance to find out. When we arrived in Ecuador, Raphael was detained in customs for a false passport and some items in his bag that may or may not have been involved in an internet baby food pyramid scheme. Although I was welcome to stay in the country, it was recommended that I try to change my travel plans and return home. Looking back, however, I'm very glad that I took my chances with the "other" man and followed my heart. In this issue I've asked our writers to submit stories about their "other" experiences in life, love, and yes sex. After all, the trip wasn't a total bust. I did find out that there is a difference in the First Class Mile High Club.


>welcome!

RAGVERTISE WITH THE WORLD’S FIRST ONLINE FASHION RAGAZINE

WHO ARE WE? INSECURITY RAGAZINE IS TO FASHION what the Colbert Report is to politics. At Insecurity Ragazine, our goal is to become the de-facto lunch destination of women everywhere, a Lunchzine in the spirit of The Onion. Insecurity Ragazine presents women with an alternative venue to share their experiences and find great stories using innovative page turning technology. Combining a monthly online periodical with a community driven website, Insecurity Ragazine will provide a unique location for women’s voices and humor, unlike any found in today’s marketplace. As we develop an invested, online community, we’re reaching out to sponsors and vendors wishing to expand their advertising base and introduce their products to a new audience. The Ragazine is quickly expanding to new platforms (iPad, iPhone, Android, Issuu, Firefox, Safari, IE8, Opera) , and there are currently four ways for you to promote your message through our pages. This online sample will walk you through how your advertising will look and interact with consumers savvy enough to use this exciting new technology. OUR INSECURITIES

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>hemlines

HOW TO MAKE CONDOMS HIS IDEA To call it typical would be an understatement. Back in the old days, the mere mention of sex would scare a young man into protecting himself from pregnancy, venereal disease, AIDS, or worse even, jock itch. Nowadays, however, your simple suggestion that you both “slip into something more comfortable� triggers a forty five minute testosterone tirade about the "natural approach," the "green movement," and the adverse effects that condoms have on the environment.

Not to worry gals, with IR's three simple fun filled perversive persuasive prophylactic tips, he'll soon decide to start buying them Costco style.

1) SOCIAL MEDIA

Privacy concerns aside, there's no faster way to reach his friends and co-workers than a simple fan page on Facebook, or a Tweetfest on Twitter. Simply start a "One Eyed Purple Yogurt Thrower Protector" campaign on his behalf and see how long it takes his mom to Google "unwanted pregnancy"

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2) HOME IMPROVEMENT

Bring out your inner Martha Stewart by purchasing a simple staple gun and several hundred Trojan wrappers. Begin slowly by filling his wall, working your way to the linens, leaving plenty of time to create a computer condom cozy. Don't be afraid to experiment with different surfaces and textures that he may own, say perhaps his video game console or the Sopranos Ultimate DVD Collection he keeps bragging about. If all else fails, decorating around the white walls of his car will definitely stop him in his tracks.

3) THE APPLEBEES EFFECT

Nothing brings more enjoyable embarrassment to a loved one than a riotous rendition of Happy Birthday sung at top lung by a bevy of underpaid waitstaff at his favorite chain restaurant. Instead of that Yearly Yuletide, spend a few extra dollars and minutes teaching your servers the timeless lyrics to "Why Won't You Wear a Willie Warmer" and watch your love one shrink faster than... well you know.

HEMLINES

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THE PET WHO LOVED ME

TOYS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE LOVED BY THEIR PETS NOW ACCUSTOMED TO A SIMPLE LIFE of domesticity, your faithful canine and indifferent cat come from a long line of fierce jungle hunters. There's no need to feel guilty. It wasn't you who deprived them of their royal independent status by feeding them machine processed leftovers in tin cans and only allowing them outside to relieve themselves in public once or twice a day. Many owners make it up to their pets by weekend exercise and play jaunts to the park. A weekly or monthly treat, this Accelerated Compressed Quality Time is an opportunity for owners to try and impress and earn their pets love and affection for the coming month. In today's highly competitive petscape, where there are more potential owners than pets, this monthly review process of the owner can impact weather the pet stays or contemplates a lateral move to potentially greener pastures, and smarter, more financially secure owners. To help you get the most out of quality time with your pet, Insecurity Ragazine's New Product Outsourced Correspondent reviews the latest in enrichment objects to win your pet's love.

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INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E


STACKABLE PLANETERY ORBIT SIMULATOR It's a known fact that dogs use only 15% of their brain if you let them. Challenge your dog to learn the apogees and perigees of the orbits of the eight planets (and bonus celestial object Pluto). Made from high impact polycomposite materials in nine fashion colors, this will give your dog (or sophisticated cat) something to think about. [$198 for the set including Pluto, from CelesteY'all Gifts.

HUMAN CHILD DRONE There's a reason TV wonder pet Laddie(TM) was prepared to rescue Timmy from the well, lake, swamp, river, quicksand and pudding vat. Laddie was trained, and kept training, with the help of a Human Child Drone and six practice scenario mats. Train your dog early to recognize your neighbors children in emergency context, and take swift action. Eight practice scenario mats come with laminated 4-color photo backdrops into which to place the HCD(TM) Well, Lake, Swamp, River, Quicksand, and Pudding Vat. [$499, Haliburton Industries]

PREYFINDER

Don't let your cat go soft. Napping is a sign of boredom and that you may not be doing enough to warrant your cat's affections. PreyFinder simulates the silhouettes of different sized and shaped prey escaping into it's corresponding warren, wall or hidey-hole. Let your cat brush up on it's pursuit and capture skills, even on a rainy day [$235 plus shipping and handling from Rendall Security.]

CANINECANINE DENTAL FLOSSERS A dog can't hunt without it's teeth, and if it can't hunt it can't eat, and if it can't eat, it will leave you. Keep your dogs teeth in healthy fighting form with CanineCanine Dental Flossers. Each ergonomically shaped instrument flosses a different area of the dog's mouth while stimulating the gums to avoid gingivitis. Is your dog trying to tell you something? It could be it needs more dental attention. [$14.99 from PalDent] HEMLINES

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ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT THIS MONTH IS DEVOTED THE

OTHER SEX ISSUE. SO WE MUST BE OPEN OUR BOX AND THINK OUTSIDE OF IT. CATEGORY ALL THAT PEOPLE OBJECTS QUOTES ACTIVITIES POLITICO FASHION EVENTS

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• PEOPLE OF TRANSGENDER • MIDGETS • “FACEBOOK ME” • HOSTING A STRIP GAME NIGHT • TEA BAGGERS • TAN LINES • 3RD DATES

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

NONE OF THAT • PEOPLE OF METROSEXUAL •DILDOS • “SIT ON MY FACE” •GOING TO SEX CLUBS • TEA BAGGERS • SANDWICH BAGS • FIRST TIME


HEMLINES

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>issuus, ipads, iphones and androids

ONLINE VIRTUAL LUNCHZINE WITH THE INTRODUCTION of Apple’s iPad, Insecurity Ragazine (from the beginning) has positioned itself to take advantage of print media’s most exciting innovation. Built digitally from the ground up, Insecurity Ragazine uses virtual page turning technology to give readers the online experience of reading our Ragazine. Currently we utilize an iPad, iPhone and Google Android program called Issuu to deliver to readers the best virtual Fashion Lunchzine experience in the market today. Embedded links and images allow users to click on products throughout the Ragazine which will take them to websites featuring or selling those items. In the upcoming months, Insecurity Ragazine will release a native iPad app that takes full advantage of this new platform’s capabilities.

SO HOW DOES IT WORK? FLIP THE PAGES OF THIS RAGVERTISING RAGAZINE TO FIND OUT 14

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E


>ad pages that take our readers to your products

WANT MORE THAN JUST A PICTURE TO TELL A THOUSAND WORDS ABOUT YOU?

e Click on thss, la G Wine and Necklace L ink Dress forples m Exa

WE CAN INSTALL LINKS TO YOUR PRODUCTS ON THE PAGES OF YOUR ADVERTISMENT, ALLOWING READERS TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT YOUR PRODUCTS

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>rag times

CHEATMARES It's happened to all of us. There you are, in a quaint Parisian cafe, slowly waking up to the lovers who are dreamily strolling about life's most beautiful moment. You reach into your pocket and pull out the crumpled piece of napkin from the night before. "Pierre, Cafe DuMonde, 9:45 am" is all it reads. Your head swirls from the memory of the night before, his crisp linen suit, that intoxicating cologne, the infuriated woman that he was with. It was clear that he did not love her, that it was you with whom he would be making love to the next morning. A tender kiss and the note in your pocket was all you needed. The waiter comes by and whispers something in your ear, handing you a small yellow flower and pointing towards the street. There he is, even more beautiful than you remember, standing confidently behind a veil of childish curiosity. As your eyes begin to glisten,

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INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E


almost imperceptibly, the mist evaporates from the sky, revealing the Eiffel Tower and colors found only in dreams. You rise from the chair, destiny guiding you ever so gently towards him. His smile is the sun, the smells of the city intoxicating, everything is perfect. Suddenly you are together, he reaches for your hand and places it on your heart. He pulls you closer, unknowingly lifting you further into his eyes...the kiss...the kiss. SUDDENLY A LOUD, UNIMAGINABLE NOISE RIPS ACROSS THE SKY, AS IF THE ENTIRE EARTH WILL BE SPLIT INTO TWO. YOU AND PIERRE LOOK UP AND SEE A GIANT METEORITE SPEEDING DOWN FROM SPACE SCORCHING THE CLOUDS AND UNLEASHING A HIDEOUS FIRE THAT CONSUMES THE VERY HEAVENS ITSELF. PIERRE TURNS WHITE AND TREMBLES UNCONTROLLABLY, HE SOILS HIMSELF AND TURNS TO RUN AWAY, TRIPPING OVER HIMSELF, CRYING AND WHALING LIKE AN INJURED BUG. YOU LOOK UP AGAIN AS THE METEOR CRASHES INTO THE EIFFEL TOWER, A LARGE BALL OF FLAME ENGULFS THE CITY, TRAVELING FASTER AND FASTER TOWARDS YOU. THE SMELL OF DEATH IS THE LAST THING YOU REMEMBER.

Suddenly you awake, holding your breath, sweat matting your hair and soaking your slip. Slowly you realize that you are home, in bed. You look over at your boyfriend who is snoring loudly underneath all of the covers he's taken in his restless sleep. He's still wearing the brown shirt he wore to work and has conveniently left his boxers off, looking like some kind of soiled mushroom. But what about Pierre, his touch, his kiss? All a dream. The end of days nightmare you experienced was a product of what many modern women are going through today, the inability to cheat on their significant others, even in their dreams. Although not yet a scientifically recognized condition, this "Cheatmare", as it's been coined by

R AG T I M E S

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prominent psychologists is a growing problem for women both home and abroad, and is threatening to interfere with the psyche of the modern woman. The question becomes, what is the root of this problem, and how can you overcome it effects. There are of course, many divergent theories surrounding "Cheatmares", however a consistent thread throughout all of them seem to revolve around the explosion of science fiction media, and more significantly Superhero theatre. Beginning shortly before 1999, science fiction themed movies, television shows, breakfast cereals, automobile names, and woman's romance novels began to gain prominence in pop culture, gradually becoming more sophisticated from year to year, slowly replacing soap opera based plot lines relied upon so heavily in the 1980's and 1990's. Geek Chic gradually gained a following as the personal computer replaced the personal assistant and women found themselves more and more inundated with shorter named heroes and fewer location based escapism's. Gradually, "tall ,dark and handsome" was replaced with "masked, marked and gruesome" as the conventional norm for the protagonist and the woman's role as the helpless heroine was suddenly subjected to an assault of scientific sultryness needed to kiss the boy. All of this has lead to an unbelievable pressure put on women to be true to their significant superhero, or face the possibility of a cataclysmic, universe altering destruction that could instantly eliminate her existence and the existence of all the things she holds near and dear in her heart. So how do you fight this never ending battle to return to the days of yesteryear where you could flirt with that cute Staples cashier without watching 18

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

him being crushed by a giant GPS based automaton? Simply follow our 5 step plan and once again begin your adulterous sleep, and yes, perchance to dream.

STEP ONE: DESTROY EVERYTHING ELECTRONIC IN YOUR LIFE. Think about it. After your boyfriend gave you the iPhone, the computer, the Wii Fit, the GPS, the little box that tells you your hormone levels, how many of these things made your life better? How many of them still work? It's just his attempt to get you to think about the devices rather


STEP TWO: PRACTICE GETTING DRUNK IN YOUR DREAMS Readers that have tested this technique report that drinking before you sleep greatly increases your chances of getting drunk during your dreams. Once you're there, kick back a few and watch Mr. Right come strolling to the end of the bar.

STEP THREE: PRACTICE KISSING A STRANGER Typically NOT recommended in small towns or hamlets, this method will give you the confidence to unleash your wildest sexual fantasies in your newly discovered dream world. We'll cover how to pick out these strangers in next month's article, "How to Kiss and Tell, Without Telling

STEP FOUR: CHANGE YOUR NAME LEGALLY IN YOUR DREAM This technique takes some practice, but what better way to break the tendrils of your old life and meet some cute spy posing as a government official assigned to stop some global espionage plot that centers around a woman WITH YOUR NEW NAME. International intrigue and Bondish bedside manners in a secluded hideaway to follow.

STEP FIVE: MOVE TO A NEW COUNTRY Although not proven as effective as the other items on our list, many readers have found that cheating in a foreign language is much easier, especially in a dream state. If you don't have the financial means to do this, we recommend falling asleep watching Telemundo. R AG T I M E S

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TOYS FOR PARENTS WHO LOVE THEIR CHILDREN In this day and age it's no wonder that from baby's first day, the best parents are already concerned about what college their child will get into. While not as difficult to get into as nursery school, college can have a big impact on a child's future adult life and chances for success. The big schools for little ones, and the little schools for big ones are especially concerned with having a good developmental accomplishment deployment in five key areas: small motor skills, spatial processing, left-hand-eye co-ordination, and right-hand-eye co-ordination, and interpersonal skills such as non-impact interface. Here are seven of the latest, profiled by Insecurity Ragazine's New Product Outsourced Correspondent.

KLIPOR(TM)

The ultimate in small motor skills - this working model of an adult gardener's best friend let's your child disassemble, reassemble and fine tune the inner workings of a 1:1 scale, real gas-powered lawn mower. If used by a blood relative, child labor laws need not concern you with your next lawn-maintenance project. And when she's done, proudly tell your kid to "get off my lawn". [Sears, $349] 20

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E


U-HIDEM(TM) WITH OPTIONAL LID LIL' LAWYER PLAYSCAPE

Teach your budding Oliver Wendell or Ruth Bader how to draft, delay and file motions and briefs, or just to doodle while the DA is droning... Available in nine fashion colors and fully water soluble. Crayons, SniffIt(TM) Markers and Mechancal Pencils sold separately. [by Club Mead, $20]

If your child doesn't test well on the Piaget Development Scale, they won't get in to school. Period. "Oop, where did it go?" For use with Gestalter(TM) as an aid to mood expression, or on it's own, the U-Hidem provokes a child's ability to recognize the persistence of objects even when out of visual field. Introduce the child to the wonders of containment, concealment, and the basic principals of sonic acoustics. Or use with the Uvula(TM) to develop tutored rhythm instruction and music production. [Monaco Prince, $200 Mr. Potatohead, eyeglasses, cat, phone, and remote CONTROL SOLD SEPARATELY.

PROFFESOR PODY PLAYSET GESTALTER(TM)

Emotional expression and interactional feedback is important to your child's growing sense of his place and effect on the world. Over eight different ringing tones can be generated depending on your child's mood and altitude. Get two Gestalters and the game becomes twice the fun, and twice the decibel efficacy. Also functions as a transporter module allowing your child to transport objects up to 22 centimeters in diameter from point to point within a giving room --all by herself! [Monaco Prince, $180 each.]Prince, $180 each

Soft, safe, waterproof exerciser and alien character voice changer, Professor Pody and his brother the evil thief Lefty(TM) transport your child to a fantastical land of puppetry, magic, and identity politics. Don't let your child order you around anymore without disguising their voice with Professor Pody and Lefty! [Professor Pody(TM) and Lefty(TM) Playset $679, with additional replacement Dr. Scholl's Olfactry cartridges available separately.] R AG T I M E S

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HISTORY MATS

Teach your child to wear their politics on their sleeve and their knowledge of current events on their head. These one-of-a-kind history mats (some birthdates not available, call or write for availability) not only teach your child about historical events, but can be reformed into a variety of haberdashic styles: Sailor, King, Pharaoh and Derby. Morgan Topper -limited edition - discourage your child away from a sordid career in show-business and let them be a future Captain of Industry! Available with actual replicas of stock prices on the day your child was born. [History Mats by Triboon, $79 ea, Limited Edition Morgan Topper -$119]

THE AUGLOBE(TM)

We can't all provide our children with two Au Pairs, but we can give them The AuGlobe. Precision engineered to remove all corners, this india-rubber/nylon reinforced gel-core dexterity sphere allows your child to increase his hand-eye coordination and ease teething with the aid of three suggested programmable routines: Hunter, Gatherer, and Gnaw. Recommended for outdoor use and Imported from Sweden, England's former Prime Minister Edmund Wilson once had a monogramed pair as a child. [AuGlobe by AuLaLa, $499/set of three in reusable portable aluminum carrying case.]

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UVULA(TM) MALLET PALLET

To grasp is instinctual, but to grip takes weeks of practice. The Uvula Mallet Pallet specifically targets your child's Palmar and Carpal Ligator muscles, working them to develop them in both pro-nated and supinated positions. Made of non-toxic renewable organic XylemWood, the Uvula is guaranteed for 10,000 uses. Alternate Teething mode, and self-floating for bath or pool use can be added. There is nothing so crucial to later business and social success as a firm, dry handshake. Bring this home to your child, and let him greet you each day thereafter more and more like a man. Egg sold separately. [$58 each, Monaco Prince by Ikea]


>waxing poetic

PRODUCING SMELLS DO YOU SMELL LIKE A FRUIT OR A VEGETABLE?

After a romantic evening of scintillating conversation, a sensational dinner at a French restaurant with that hunky diplomat you've been eyeing, only one thing keeps going through your mind: Do You Smell Like A Fruit or a Vegetable? So often the media will focus on the importance of sight and sound of how a potential mate presents themselves, but scientists are increasingly discovering that olfactory cues play a crucially important role as well. We all have different associations with different scents, some vary from culture to culture and some are universal. We know that men and women model the world differently, but nowhere is this more true than in the nose.

by such "homey" domestic scents like doughnuts, pizza, baking apple pie, and coconut. Women are more captivated by musk, citrusy notes, and floral scentpatterns. That's good to know if you're buying a new perfume, or a scented candle, but what if it's just you? It's a dilemma shared by everyone who's ever experienced the nervous jitters of a first date, so there's no shame in being an adult about it and just asking which they prefer. And if you're not sure which you are, ask seven of your closest friends to give it to you straight. If you smell like a fruit, there's someone waiting for you out there, and when you find them it'll go easy as pie. And if you smell like a vegetable? Remember that at least 37% of people of both genders are also nuts about legumes.

Men, for example, will become aroused R AG T I M E S

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A MANDATE ON BEAUTY Let’s face it. Beauty and the other sex are seen together about as often juggling mimes and career opportunities. For whatever reason, suppressed latent homosexuality, fear of emasculation onset by members of the other sex belittling them, or an innate drive to be boorish, men and beauty rarely cross paths. And without us, they probably never would. When it’s 90+ degrees and my man is outside grilling in his ventilated armpit t-shirt with stains that go back to the first Bush President, and he’s perspiring like a Polar Bear in a sweat lodge, it’s not Cupid’s arrow that’s making me dizzy, it’s the queasiness in my stomach and the taste of vomit in my mouth that’s doing it. What I’ve found across all my relationships with the other sex is that they have no interest in being told how to improve themselves, even when it comes to really important things like beautification. So like most anything else I desire in a relationship, I find deceit and cunning are the most effective, if not only, way to get what I want. With that in mind, here are few suggestions for tricking the other sex (let’s get real, it’s not that difficult – if you can fake throwing a ball for a dog to fetch and get him to run after thin air, you have the wherewithal to do the same with the opposite sex) into beautifying without the harangues and belittlement of his peers:

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1) Face creams, skin moisturizers, and

cover up all beautify the other sex, but there’s that nagging fear that one of the other sex will make a visit, peek into the medicine cabinet, and the next thing you know, this so-called man has been ostracized by all his fellow members to the point where’ll never get a ticket to a sporting event or have a beer in a straight bar. Simple solution: tell your current other sex attachment that the container and/or contents are for sexual activity. He’ll slather it all over himself and as a bonus will tell all his friends about it.

opinion, get creative. Photoshop the piece of clothing in doubt on to his favorite sports hero. Show him the photo of Derek Jeter, and you’ll have to pry it off him just to get in the laundry.

2) Ear hair, eyebrows gone wild, nose

hair: the other sex is either completely oblivious to their hirsute similarities with apes or they’re just too damn lazy to want to fuss with removing hair that’s growing in places it shouldn’t. My solution: hold out. If he can play this game, so can you. See how long the other sex can stand you when you don’t wax your lip hair weekly and go all European with your armpits. See how his fellow other sex members ridicule him when he shows up with Big Foot on his arm wearing a sleeveless T and a mustache that rivals Magnum PI. He’ll start grooming, snipping, and waxing in no time.

3) When it comes to clothes, the other sex

is always fearful of anything that might be effeminate enough to question his sexual orientation. Your current sex attachment may look dynamite in pink or sexy in a silk shirt, but once his fellow sex members gets a look at him, it will be buried in the closet in favor of the aforementioned BBQ gear. Now is the time for deception. I’ll usually mention something about a poll using the words “Gallup” or “Maxim readers” and some ridiculously high, made up number signaling approval for the clothing item at hand. Or, if your other sex attachment doesn't acknowledge numbers or popular

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, its that to get what I want, whether it’s a man, shoes, or the prime weekends of my Dad’s time share, manipulation is the way to go. I used to cry and throw a fit, but that stopped working for me after I left college. Beautifying the other sex is no different. Sharpen and hone your best wiles, and your man will ‘beauty up’ in no time. It has to work better than honesty. R AG T I M E S

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>insecurious

KINKY KORNER: CATSKILLS 1957- VACATION: JIM AND TERRI BETHEL WITH DAVE & DIANE SHMEERUM

Thank you, Vanessa Bethel, for cleaning out your Aunt's estate and sharing with us her home movie. This is a priceless viewing for anyone who thinks that they weren't just as curious, twisted, and dirty back in the day as we claim we are today. Even though it was shot with an 8mm camera, the silence is golden and so it the color tint which shows it age. Speaking of age, I speculate our four vacationers Terri and Jim, and Diane and Dave are in their late 30's/early 40's, although it's hard to say since everyone in the 50's looks 15 years older than they probably are. Camera work on the close-ups are shaky at the beginning, but improves dramatically the longer we watch. It doesn't matter- This is (singing) awesome!!! PS: We would like to thank Tanata Digital Transfers for going against their better judgement and transferring this to a digital format we can all enjoy. It starts off quite innocently enough. Interior- Catskills Moose Lodge. Two couples act cartoonish with a camera while they check-in to the lodge. Chris is caught making rabbit ears behind Diane's head as she makes a kooky face to the camera. Terri kisses the camera lens, and black out. (Gotta love 8mm). Cut to: Exterior: on the banks of the lagoon. Dave tossing his 26

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

helpless giggly wife, Diane, over his hairy shoulders and dumps her into the water. Sporting a swimsuit Ester Williams would be proud of, Terri receives a martini from the tall, muscular, well-mannered, token black waiter (reminding us all that what it was like in 1957.) Diane waves to the camera then black out: one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand, four-one thousand, five-one thousand, sixcut to: Interior, cabin. And this is where things get interesting. Furthermore, this is where the camera work is shot brilliantly.


For those who are pressed for time, we're at the 4:37 mark. Beer and liquor sits on the coffee table in front of a beige couch covered in plastic. Real wood paneling on the walls. Diane sits on the couch dressed in a lodge robe. She flirts with a bottle of beer pretending the camera isn't there. We expected the old Disney Narrator of the nature filmettes to say "Next she beats her flap jacks with the new two yoke egg wisker." Instead, Terri enters wearing nothing but her slip and a fez holding a map looking for "directions." It will cost her one kiss on the cheek, gestures Diane. Terri obliges. Dave enters with his hairy shoulders prancing around like a gorialla which a beer in one hand and a bunch of bananas in another. The girls fight back his nudely barbaric abvances only to "faint." Diane conveniently faints with her robe open. Dave finds that especially helpful since he's a monkey. Dave goes off script and tickles Diane causing her to kick him in the sack. Terri, for some reason, is more than willing to get him off on the road to recovery. Just then Jim enters wearing only black dress socks. The camera pans back to the couch where Terri and Dave stop the healing process. At this moment we beg to ask the question, who is operating the camera? Jim and Dave briefly wrestle like the Greeks, which Jim wins. In the name of good sportsmanship, they shake hands, and pair off with their respected wives. I'm sorry, they actually flipped an imagary coin then ended up with their wives. And Cut to: Then things really got weird and deliciously wrong at 6:46. The camera starts on the couch where Dave is handing both wives. Then the camera pans to the bathroom where Jim is applying black shoe pollish to his manhood.The camera follows him back to the couch where he

stand proudly in front of Terri and Diane. Both wives gawk with amazement. They pull him to the couch abandoning Monkey Dave. Cut to: The wives sitting on the couch bored. David is passed out on the coffee table with banana peels on his belly. The camera pans to the bathroom where Jim is violently scrubbing his manhood with a rag and rubbing alcohol. There are two things that are clear at this point. 1) Jim is in a lot of pain. 2) Black shoe pollish in 1957 was not only toxic by permitment. and 3) We are witness to the moment the phrase "once you go black you don't go back." was officially coined. Which by the way is also illustrated by our following shot. cut to: Interior- CabinLater. The camera films the bed where a naked Dave and Jim are sprolled out ontop of each other. The camera travels back to the livingroom where Terri and Diane entice the muscular, tall well-mannered token black waiter to come from behind the camera and come from behind them. Which we are happy to watch for the next 45 minutes. Pure genius. Fini! INSECURIOUS

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OH THE PLACES WE'LL COME THE DMV: It's speed dating without

the pressure. Pick the guy wearing a suit. Guaranteed, he's not there because of a court order. Break the ice while in line. Discuss how the decor here has improved since the last time you were here. Compare all the stuff you could be doing instead of standing in this line. Share horrible driver license photo stories. Brag how you still get carded. Then after you both are updated in the system, escort each other to the parking lot. Remember, it doesn't matter whether or not you take his stick-shift out for a test drive, or whether he inspects your muffler, remember to buckle up... it's the law. It's a perfect time to think outside your box. Bars are out. Group therapy is out. Bathroom stalls our out. Here are three untapped locations to find sex.

THE BED/LINEN SECTION OF AN OUTLET MALL: Have you

seen those places? They are ginormous, no one will ever find you, (and who doesn't have bed showroom fantasy)? The men who THE NATIVE AMERICAN the are usually in this section are either going MUSEUM: I swear! There is off to college or newly shattered, broken and something tanatalizing about walking single. Simply stated, they are primed and around half naked indian statues wearing ripe for the picking. So hunker down in a bed a fake leather loin cloth, (and I have filled with throw pillows, or better yet since found those Tee-Pees quite inviting). You parents are there to save money on their can generally bag a grad-student here. A kids, find the most expensive bunk bed, tuck budding Indiana Jones! Yummy. There are a blanket on the top bunk, drop off the side two good things going for you here; 1) It to cover the bottom bunk, and sex it up with is rarely crowded, so even if you do get privacy. If the bed/linen is a wash, then go caught, security will be happy anyone is down two isles to the shower/bath section. visiting. 2) The blaring tribal musack will Shower curtain gives amazing privacy. definitely drown out any moaning. PS: Week days are better. Especially Tuesday from 1:15-2:15. They close at 4:30. 28

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AN ISSUE FETISH WHAT HIS FETISHES SAY ABOUT YOU

In our post-sexual revolution world, pretty much anything goes -- any time, anywhere. But before you order up a round of Cosmos and dish to your girlfriends about your latest man's kink, you might want to stop to consider this: Is he a pervert with everyone, or is something you did?

PIERCINGS

He doesn't like to work too hard, and he can see from that belly button ring that he won't have to: you are two margaritas away from reenacting a Girls Gone Wild video. He says he has a fetish, but he might just have a good eye for an easy conquest.

BONDAGE

Those sexy silk ties he's strapping you down with aren't a tease -- you're a micro-manager! When you can't move, you can't criticize him, and that's why he's also brought along a blindfold and riding crop.

FEET

He kisses and caresses your feet. He even buys you shoes! And why not -- that's a hell of a pedicure. But be honest: are you taking good care of everything above your toes? Do you really need that whole pint of butter pecan praline? And are you sure he's not gay?

DISGUISES

Oh, girl, do I even have to explain this one? He wishes you were someone else. Sexy nurse, fine. Stewardess, great. Cafeteria lady, whatever. He's just not that into you. Specifically.

Getting Caught

He likes to get it on in public because he hates your apartment. And your cat. And he can't take you to his place because he's married. INSECURIOUS

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THE LAIDBC'S

THE ABC’S OF WHY YOU ARE NOT GETTING LAID FRUSTRATING PERHAPS, BUT THERE IS A REASON WHY CERTAIN HUMAN BEINGS repel the sexual conquests they seek as oppose to attract them. Science has proven that satiating one’s needs on a more frequent basis can be obtained with a certain chemistry recipe. For some, if not the larger part of the population, oral stimulation is sought more often then it is obtained. So how can you increase your gaming strategy? The following sent in from Sally Duwak , a loyal subscriber from Austin Texas, takes a simple approach to the how and why certain individuals are less desirable in bed than other s.

The following are excerpts from Ms. Duwak's lengthly list. TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN : Y’all need to stop making everything sound all science like and stick to the nitty gritty facts when it comes to doing the deed. I’ve taken the time to spell it out for you and your readers.

THE ABC’S OF WHY YOU ARE NOT GETTING LAID

A ACNE

If it is hard to recognize what you look like underneath all of that pizza you call skin. The last thing I want to do is kiss you or heaven forbid, sit near that thing you call a face. Proactive works, and for nineteen dollars a month, you can be on your way to having sex with someone besides yourself.

B BAD BREATH .

If you can smell yourself and taste what you ate in the air around you, so can I. Buy a pack of gum and put a wad in your mouth till the meatloaf taste goes away. 30

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E EXHAUSTION If you get winded

going up a flight of stairs, its time to hit the gym and build that stamina. You do not want to blow your big chance by passing out in the wings of passion due to exhaustion and hyperventilating. I’ve seen it one too many times.

G GAMEBOY

If you are a gammer, then you do not have time for sex…only for creating worlds of war and other things that will not get you in my pants.

H HOMEBODY Sugar, you have to

spend money to make lovin happen. If you are home on the couch every night don’t expect to be getting any from me. It takes a special or two at the local bistro to get in my drawers.

I Intelligence

It takes smarts to get a certain type of woman to bed.

O Orgasm

Be willing, prepared, and equipped to give them. You will never get a second chance to make a first sex impression with ME! And yes under five minutes is a waste of time… and does not qualify as a “quickie”.

P PATIENCE

Patience is like vanilla in a recipe. The right amount is perfection, but the wrong amount equals a night on the can. If you show your lady you're willing to wait three dates, great, However, if you overdue it and wait six dates, and your never gonna get some.

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Q QUICKIE

Quickie is a male term, made up to make it seem ok to have sex really fast. It is NOT ok to have fast sex. If it takes me three months to let you into my pants, it should take you more than ten minutes.

R ROYALTY

Give generously and behave as if I am royalty, cuz chances are if you treat me like Queen, I will give it up. Keep in mind once you treat me a certain way, I will expect to be treated that way or better from then on, or I may be forced to withhold my royal pleasure.

W Why

If your asking, its cause your NOT getting.

Y Yellow

If it is July, and you look like you have jaundice of the skin, this could be clue number one as to why the opposite sex avoids you like the plague. Women are afraid to date men who look sick, get some sun, and maybe it will lead to getting some booty.

T TIMING

Have it…cuz if you strike at the wrong time, it could be why you never get any.

U Unisex

If you own ANYTHING in your wardrobe that could be or is considered UNISEX… that is the only sex you will have until you burn that article of clothing. Unless of course, you are trying to have sex with the same sex.

X X Rated

If you invite me to your home for a romantic movie night at your place, make sure your selection of films has another rating…besides X. That goes triple…for Triple XXX

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Z Zero. Let’s face it, a woman can tell

within thirty seconds of seeing you, and ten seconds of talking with you, whether or not she is giving you a piece of pie. So… if you fall in around zero on the one to ten Richter scale of normally getting in a woman’s pants, chances are any women can smell the desperation on you

NOW YOU KNOW YOUR ABC’S. NOW IF YOU DON’T GET LAID…DON’T GO BLAME ME.


>hanging by a thread

BOOBY TRAP

CONVENTIONAL WISDOM HAS ALWAYS BEEN THAT ONCE YOUR BREASTS REACH their natural size, they will not get any larger without medical enhancements or a stroll down the Family Way Boulevard. Although we here at Insecurity Ragazine love you for who you are, we've asked Hollywood Special Effects Expert, Shannon Thompson to share with us some of her techniques to give you ladies that extra little bit for the everyday money shot.

1. CLEAVAGE MIRROR

Borrowed from the Bulgarian Funhouses of the late 19th Century, silent film makeup artists noticed that putting a thin, double sided mirror between the bosoms of silver screen starlets could greatly increase the onscreen sizes America's first golden globes. Modern techniques have added a "cross" like attachment to the side of the mirror, allowing it to look like a piece of jewelry for everyday use. Simple three fourths position training makes this technique a natural for those wanting to stay natural.

2. SMALLER OBJECTS

By slightly reducing the size of everyday accouterment, women can greatly increase the perception of one's breasts. A smaller pen, book, or bottle of Chardonnay will allow your girls to be invited to play with the big boys.

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3. SOUNDING BIGGER

Foley artists have been perfecting this technique after it was determined that men were looking more at Jack's Lemons than Marilyn Monroe during pre-screenings of "Some Like It Hot". By adding the sound of rubbing gelatin buckets to Marylin's natural stride, the mammary gland tide was turned back to the ingenue and Marylin's career was saved. Modern day foley artist use Jean Nate After Bath Splash bottles filled with Cambell's tomato soup for a better sounding, more effective breast enlarging audio spectrum.

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4. UNDER ARMOR HAIR WRAP

Traditionally small breasted Icelandic Viking women began the trend of growing their hair for the purpose of creating intricate cleavage contrivances that would allow their profile to grow by a magnitude of four. Involving a series of loop hooks, celtic interlocking lines and stamped cross stitching techniques, this project will take you an entire three day weekend, but be well worth it. Shannon rightfully


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R AG A M U F F I N

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REBOUND GIRL Dear Rebound Girl, What’s the most sure-fire way of getting a librarian to go out on a date? Sincerely, Overdue for Getting Checked Out Dear Overdue, Libraries are among my favorite places to visit when I travel, (and I’ve been on the go a lot these days). I believe in transparency dear readers, and I have been in rebound recovery. Sigh, at times, it’s a lonely, lonely place. It’s a correspondence program that is individually tailored and being beta tested by yours truly. And yes, I am the creator of said rebound recovery correspondence program aka Rebound Therapy™. My rebound recovery has sent me here and there and often I’ve been incommunicado with the rest of my Raggers. In order to treat my rebound blues, I’ve needed distance from the source. (And yes, dear readers, the source is at the Ragazine.) Okay. So now that I got that challenging confession part over with (part of Rebound Therapy™), let’s talk about libraries. What is the origin of the word library? Liber. Latin. I did a little research (common to the librarian trade) and found the following…A bark that is un-peeled to write upon. Hmmmmm. Sexy. Makes me think of Ewan MacGregor and The Pillow Book. Okay, I’m back. Libero. Translates into free. Hmmmm… Liberate. Liberty. Liberalize. Libation. Libido. Libra…oops straying and yet not straying… Let’s talk about a certain Libra at a 36

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Lion guarded library. Was this Libra a Librarian? No. We met in the Rose Room. I was tapping away on my laptop. He definitely took note that I was liberally fashioned with lots of top of the line tech gadgets. (all turned on silent thank you). He seemed to want to comment on them but didn’t. Instead he turned a page in his book. He was reading a copy of Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex. He also had a copy of Erica Jong’s The Fear of Flying. Intrigued, I decided to engage him. I noticed all the outlets were full in front of me and I would need to stretch one chord in order to power up. Do I lean or speak? I spoke. “Do you mind plugging this in for me?” “Not at all.” “Good books?” “Yeah. I can’t believe I’ve never read them. I expected something different I think,


because they have this uber-feminist stigma, you know? But they’re good.”

ME I don’t know.

“So what led you to them now?”

HIM Your rising sign affects you as much, if not more, than your sun sign.

“My ex-girlfriend told me she’s had a zipper-less f**k and now I can’t get that out of my mind. Eyes Wide Shut, you know? Have you ever had a zipper-less f**k?” I opened my computer, pressed the power button, thankful the volume was on silent. “Sorry”, he mouthed. “For what”, I mouthed back. He took my computer and typed: HIM Would you like to have a zipper-less f**k with me? ME It’s already too late. You’ve told me too much. HIM I’m trying too hard. I decided on the blatant approach. I’ve had a lot of conversations with women and men about it. I’ve been reading these books in public places. A real conversation starter, people look at me and I engage. This was my next public place. Well, I just got nervous. You’re wearing these glasses that make me think of a librarian. Are they real, do you need them? Are you actually a librarian? You’re making me nervous. I’m supposed to be a Libra, balanced, right? What’s your rising sign?

ME Can you help me figure out my sign? HIM I don’t do that. Pause HIM What do you do? No. Tell me. Tell me what I can do for you. To you. All this was typed. Pitter patters of rhythm on the keyboard. Stretched across the table, our necks, our chins, our shirts whispering the phrases. And then, we then got shhhhhh’d by the girl next to me. She was filling out an online dating questionnaire from a site I don’t promote. There’s something powerful about a shhhhhh in a library. It echoes off the walls. I wonder if librarians have special classes that enhance their senses, their ears. Like actors with voice and gesture classes, politicians with speech, do librarians learn how to purse their lips, use their fingers in just the perfect way? Can the sound pull them away from their dewey decimals and into the event unfolding that needed a shhhhhh. Superpower training…I mention this for some foreshadowing for you, dear reader…and for myself now in hindsight…

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The girl spoke up: “I’m his ex-girlfriend, okay?” Intrigued, I said: “So. Who is stalking who here?” They both said (finishing each other’s sentence), “We’re watching each other try to pick up other people.” “Huh. So are you together or not together? Because this sounds a little sadomasochistic and maybe that’s your thing. But if it’s not, you need space to get over each other. If you are indeed wanting to get over each other.” (Yes, some reference to Rebound Therapy™).

librarian lore but he did tell the couple, who purposely I noticed had no zippers on their clothing, where they could find more information to assist their cause. Funny. I don’t remember what he said. This information would probably help you, dear readers, and I apologize, it’s another mystery of librarian lore. So. Had I requested a book? Well. Not recently. I had no outstanding requests on file that I knew of…until…I became aware of…that he knew some things that I didn’t… Did the Guybrarian and I venture into the stacks? Perhaps.

She said, “I don’t want to break up with him. But he feels like he needs a zipper-less f**k since I had one. But I didn’t have the zipper-less f**k when I was with him.”

Was he on the rebound? I don’t know. We didn’t talk after that first exchange. Was it truly a zipper-less f**k…No. We never exchanged names.

He said, “I’ve had casual sex but I haven’t had a zipper-less f**k!”

Well dear readers, what I will say, I do believe there is a mystique about librarians but just like the rest of us fish in the sea, we are all interested in such different things and pick-up lines can be both charming and cheap. We may be catalogued but there’s great truth in the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” In closing, I do believe there’s a tremendous power in an intimate delivery of a shhhhhhh (oh those fingers and lips) as well as in Latin words that start with l-i-b…

I said, “I wonder if you both are just riding the surface of what a zipper-less f**k is and what those two books really mean.” I whisked together my portable office tech package in sharp experienced exit strategy fashion. For a moment they were caught off guard by my skill. But they recovered and tried to follow me past all the tables, asking me if I’d be interested in a threesome. We passed the finely carved request booth and a Guybrarian opened the gate, light flooded my psyche as he summoned me. “Your request has arrived. This book can not be checked out. If you’ll please come with me, I’ll take you somewhere where you can peruse its contents privately.” He didn’t exactly say that. I won’t tell you exactly what he said, it’s part of 38

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Yours discretely and yes, I wear prescription glasses from time to time, Rebound Girl


>ragamuffin 10 WORDS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE OTHER WORDS

score (as in "mark") n. : a number or letter indicating quality (especially of a student's performance); "she made good marks in algebra"; "grade A milk";

fluff (as in "tear") v.: separ(as in "tease") v. : ruffle by combing towards the ends towards the scalp, for a full effect; of hair

bang (as in "knock") n. : a vigorous blow; "the sudden knock floored him"; "he took a bash right in his face"; "he got a bang on the head"

kertanging (as in "scleroprotein") n. : a fibrous scleroprotein that occurs in the outer layer of the skin and in horny tissues such as hair feathers

creep (as in "crawl") n. : a slow creeping mode of locomotion (on hands and knees or dragging the body); creep"

squeak- (as in "noise") n. : a short high-pitched noise; "the squeak of of shoes on powdery snow"

screw (as in "inclined plane") n. : a simple machine of the inclinedplane type consisting of a spirally threaded cylindrical rod that engages with a similarly threaded hole shaboink (as in "love") v. : have sexual intercourse with; "This student sleeps with everyone in her dorm"; "Adam knew Eve" (know is archaic); "Were you ever intimate with this man?" boink (as in "sock") v. : hit hard

intercorpse intercourse (as in "sexual intercourse") n. : the act of sexual procreation between a frigid or unfeeling man and a woman, usually resulting in an uncomfortable silence. frombe see also mount, boning, hit, poke, hose, hump, jeepin, lay pipe, nooner, poonj, schtupp, bump fuzzies, dig outsourced, bang, double bag, pile, score, beast with two backs, beat cakes, doink, skrog, bugger, and doing the nasty R AG A M U F F I N

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CONSTELLATION PRIZE INSECURITY HOROSCOPE AUGUST 2010

MAVEN MADISON READS THE STARS AND AVOIDS THE FOOLS … JUST FOR YOU.

ARIES

YOUR FAVORITE SEX POSITION IS IN CONTROL. BUT IT'S HOT OUTSIDE -THE STARS THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE IT A LITTLE EASIER. LET SOMEONE ELSE TAKE CHARGE. ANYONE WHO OFFERS.

TAURUS

THE STARS KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HATE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. BUT IT'S TIME TO ACCEPT IT: YOUR "BEDROOM EYES" ARE NOT SEXY. THEY ACTUALLY KIND OF FREAK EVERYONE OUT.

GEMINI

THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY, WHICH YOU WELL KNOW. FOR ONCE, BOTH SIDES AGREE, YOU ARE GOING TO ACT REALLY SLUTTY IN THE NEXT MONTH

CANCER

STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE, CRAB LEGS -- THE STARS SEE A HOT MAN IN YOUR FUTURE, AND HE'S INTO S&M. DRINK SOME WHISKY AND THINK OF ENGLAND.

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LEO

YOU'RE A TOTAL LIONESS IN THE BEDROOM, GRRROWL! UNFORTUNATELY YOU'RE A PAIN IN THE ASS EVERYWHERE ELSE. ESPECIALLY ON THE SUBWAY..

VIRGO

YOU ARE PURE AND KIND AND GOOD. SO MAYBE THAT'S WHY NO ONE SEES THAT YOU WOULD ALSO LIKE TO GET A LITTLE NAUGHTY NOW AND THEN. MAYBE JUST A GLASS OF WINE, A BUBBLE BATH, SOME BURT BACHARACH ... AND WHO KNOWS? YOU COULD BE A REAL TEMPTRESS! A STRUMPET, EVEN! HANG IN THERE, GIRL. THE RIGHT BOY IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE. WITH HIS BOYFRIEND. SOB!

LIBRA

ON THE ONE HAND, YOU'RE HORNY. ON THE OTHER, YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO GET WAXED. LUCKILY THE ROTATING RABBIT IS HANDS-FREE.

SCORPIO

NO ONE CAN CONTAIN YOUR ANIMAL MAGNETISM! THE STARS BOW TO YOUR SEXUAL PROWESS! THE EARTH MOVES WHEN YOU SO MUCH AS WINK AT A MAN FROM ACROSS THE BAR! BUT ALAS, THAT MAN IS NOT GOING TO CALL YOU TOMORROW. NOR ON THE 17TH, NOR THE 29TH, NOR ANY TIME NEXT MONTH.


SAGITTARIUS

YOU'RE HALF-BEAST, LADY CENTAUR, BUT YOU'LL GO FULL-TIME FOR THAT GUY IN ACCOUNTING. AND HE STILL WON'T HELP YOU WITH YOUR TAXES.

CAPRICORN

YOU LIKE TO BE ON TOP. OF THE CAR. IN THE NEIGHBOR'S DRIVEWAY. THE STARS DON'T JUDGE, BUT THEY DO THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO DEMANDING.

AQUARIUS

GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD, AQUAGIRL, DUMP HIM ALREADY. ALL THE DAYDREAMING IN THE WORLD ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE THE FACT THAT HE WEARS YOUR UNDERWEAR.

PISCES

REPEAT AFTER THE STARS: THERE ARE NO SUCH THING AS VAMPIRES. VAMPIRE SEX IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN. THAT GUY IS NOT IMMORTAL, AND HE LOOKS 17 BECAUSE HE IS 17. STEP AWAY.

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WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU… WE HOPE THAT THIS ISSUE HELPED TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS FOR YOU CHEATING IS GOOD NEITHER YOUR PETS NOR YOUR CHILDREN LOVE YOU YOU EITHER SMELL LIKE APRICOTS OR CUCUMBERS, MILEAGE MAY VARY IF YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR ALPHABET, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE SEX LIBRARIES ARE FOR READERS AND REBOUNDS THERE IS NO GOSSIP THIS MONTH, PERIOD BIG BIG BIG, AT LEAST ON THE BIG SCREEN

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>custom embedded ad campaigns

CREATE CUSTOM PRODUCT PLACEMENTS ONE OF THE SIGNIFICANT advantages of publishing to a digital format is the ability to build our pages and content around your products. Embedded sponsorship, product placement and targeted advertising are just a few of the tools we’re using to bring both consumers and advertisers together. Contact one of our sales representatives for an introduction into the world of Custom Ragvertising.

WE HAVE THE WRITERS, ARTISTS, PHOTOGRAPHERS AND MODELS TO CREATE A CUSTOM MESSAGE FOR YOUR PRODUCTS R AG A M U F F I N

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SIDE BANNER RAG-ONS

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In addition to the“online” experience, Insecurity Ragazine has developed an analog solution, the Mini Rag, allowing readers to print and create a mobile booklet from one sheet of paper. The Mini Rag lets you take a little piece of the Ragazine with you during an “offline” moment. As a sponsor, your ad will adorn the back page of the world’s smallest portable paper Fashion Lunchzine.

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R AG A M U F F I N

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>pricing

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FOR MORE INFORMATION, TECHNICAL SPECS OR TO SPEAK WITH OUR ADVERTISING TEAM, PLEASE SEND US AN EMAIL AT:

RAGVERTISE@INSECURITYRAG.COM OR LEAVE A MESSAGE AT:

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INSECURITY RAGAZINE ISSUE 06