INSECURITY RAGAZINE ISSUE 03

Page 1

WE KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU…

WE'RE MOVING AND TAKING YOUR BAGGAGE WITH US!

SHELAC IS BACK

FIND OUT WHY SALONS ARE FACING SOME STIFF COMPETITION

HELLO IDA!

BAD BOY MONTH IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN

WHAT HE MIGHT BE

BUILDING IN THE BASEMENT

A PALEONTOLOGIST’S SECRET SAUCE

+

MORRIS DANCE YOUR WAY TO NEW LEGS AND TONED GLUTES TATTOOS DO'S AND DON'TS REBOUND GIRL

APRIL 2010



CONTENTS

>our insecurities 8

FROM THE EDITOR

>hemlines

>insecurity blanket 30

SIKE!

WHAT HE MIGHT BE BUILDING

>insecurious

IN THE BASEMENT

31

MUGOMETER

10

ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT

32

10

THONGS WEDGED IN HISTORY

HOOKING UP ALL BY YOURSELF

12

MOVING IN

14

FASHION'S MISSING LINK

6

>rag times

>waxing poetic 16

MORRIS DANCE

>raggedy man 20

MEDDLESOME FRIENDS

22

REBOUND GIRL

>hanging by a thread 24

TATTOOS AND DONTS

26

SHELAC IS BACK

>ragamuffin 35

36

39

10 WORDS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW CONSETELLATION PRIZE AND ASTROLOGICAL STATUS UPDATE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU

>pages bleues 40

QUESTIONS REGARDING PAGES BLEUES

1


EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DESIGN DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE EDITOR FASHION DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE MANAGING EDITOR DEPUTY EDITOR EDITORIAL BRAND DIRECTOR

MEET THE INSECURE TEAM BEAUTY ASSOCIATE BEAUTY EDITOR BEAUTY ASSISTANT

Penny Thurman Nice Reve

COVER DESIGN LEAD GRAPHIC DESIGNER GRAPHIC DESIGN GRAPHIC DESIGN

FEATURES SENIOR EDITOR WRITING STAFF

ART DEPUTY ART DIRECTOR SENIOR DESIGNER DIGITAL IMAGE SPECIALIST

Annette Riley Leland Burt Delora Rogowski

FASHION INTERPRETE HAUTE COUTURE FASHION AND ACCESSORIES MARKET DIRECTOR SENIOR FASHION MARKET EDITOR ACCESSORIES EDITOR FASHION ASSISTANT SENIOR FASHION EDITOR SENIOR BOOKING EDITOR FASHION EDITOR

Neno Avendre Pat Par Norma Chu Madison Hearst Tabitha Michelson Luther Evans Cara Polk Olive Wright

Penelope Lawrence Eddie Fuentes Beatriz Romano Valasquez Anneler Stephen Barrett Tim Alford Tamara Ellison Justin Michael Smith Lisa Spiteri Dawn Elise Joe Buzzetta

ASSOCIATE EDITOR

Harriet Bonaparte Rebecca Rhodus, Shawna Richardson, Jennifer Coosebury, Annabella Oreksya, Deirdre Trol-Stevens, Tabby Malloy, Margo Van Norte, Torie Baxley, Rosie Salazar, Kym Tyler-Donnelly, Annabelle Mason, Doreen Canasto, Debbie Kinkokan, Bretty Kyley, Lavontor Smith, Teri Foxx, Chatterly Pendleton, Anna Simone Sinclair, Roberta Anne Jackson Mike Granger

INSECURITYRAG.COM SENIOR WEB DEVELOPER WEB EDITOR

Benjamin T. Haynes, Esquire Lucile Xiong

PHOTO PRODUCER PHOTOGRAPHER HAIR AND MAKE-UP WARDROBE STYLING PROP STYLING SENIOR PHOTO EDITOR, RESEARCH PHOTO PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE ASSOCIATE EDITOR, RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH DIRECTOR DEPUTY COPY CHIEF RESEARCH EDITOR COPY EDITOR

2

Clara T. Midori Sauer Bubba P. Meme Meeetropolis Dub P. Audrey Goldstein Kyle Dawson Corina Manchester Margarito Burroughs Tim Pulnik Jaques Barry Bettie Branch Frank Leischman

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

ADVERTISING DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE BEAUTY DIRECTOR ADVERTISING SERVICES DIRECTOR

Leo Stiles Jimmy Arlene Maureen Cooper

MARKETING & PROMOTION MARKETING DIRECTOR CREATIVE SERVICES DIRECTOR ART DIRECTOR PROMOTION DIRECTOR ASSOCIATE PROMOTION DIRECTOR SPECIAL PROJECTS MANAGER

Michelle Vincent Amy Gengler Laurel Holland Vikki Schnurr David LaCascia Marlena Pineda


3


>our insecurities FROM THE

EDITOR N

WE'RE MOVING

OW THAT SPRING IS FINALLY HERE, there has never been a better time to snuggle up in a cozy hammock and catch up on your Insecurity Ragazine reading. Pour yourself a cool ice-tea and put your feet up, for this is our best issue yet! As you may have heard—we’re moving! Due to the raging success of the first two issues, the Insecurity offices have relocated to newer, fancier digs across town. For this month’s issue, we asked our writers to share with us stories of their most moving experiences. That’s the fun part. Now the not-sofun part. As with any exciting new venture, Insecurity Ragazine is going through some growing pains, and I’m sad to say that I had to terminate an employee. In order to explain, I will have to address our first “scandal”. Last year I hired an intern on staff, who was so sharp and bright and promising that we trusted her with coordinating the office move. This meant that she was in charge of the budget and scouting out new locations. The minute details of what happened next are unimportant, but we do feel that some crucial life lessons may have emerged from this unfortunate experience, and we would like to share them with you: 1) There is no such thing as spacious, bright, fully-equipped office space in a hospital. The fact that it was in the bottom floor of a major medical center should have been a tip-off that the “real estate broker” was in fact an underemployed orderly trying to make a fast buck.

4

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

2) If you are foolish enough to fall for a rental scam (like, signing a lease on an entire floor of a MAJOR CITY HOSPITAL), then at least check out the premises in person before forking over any cash. It’s pretty hard to mistake a morgue for a corner office that way. 3) Beginning the actual move before getting approval from your supervisor is a gross error in judgment, but in all fairness, Ms. Nameless Intern caught me on the week when my psychotherapist was on vacation (let’s face it—we’ve all been there), and, although I don’t recall using the exact words “Do whatever the f**k you want and don’t call me at home again”, I admit that I may have unintentionally given her the green light to begin the move without actually viewing the paperwork. 4) There is no excuse for abusing the 911 system—ever! Although on some level, I have to applaud her ingenuity of faking emergency calls and sneaking one box at a time into the ambulance to cut down on moving expenses (and how eighteen large heavy boxes and the color copier made it there still astounds me), I still have to stress how wrong this was. Someone could have tripped while jogging or had botox poisoning and they would have had no transport! Now that we’ve addressed this little incident, and this individual is no longer with us, we would like to welcome you back to our shining new issue, brought to you from our snappy new offices (in a non-medical setting of course), with your snazzy new cruise director: Yours Truly. So, grab those bunny slippers, turn off the phone, and march proudly into 2010 with IR! -PENELOPE LAWRENCE, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF


5


>hemlines

BUILDING IN THE BASEMENT

WHAT HE MIGHT BE…

by:

CyNTHIA JACKSON-JACKSON

I

F YOU LIVE WITH A MAN, CHANCES ARE he has a “Man Cave”—a place where he retreats to have his own space, keep his accumulated stuff, and stay out of the way when you’re watching Lifetime. If you live in the city he may use a second bedroom for this purpose, but if you live in a house like most real Americans, he spends most of his time in the basement. While he might not keep an actual padlock on the basement door, chances are you have an understanding that it’s his private space, and he gets grouchy if you disturb him there, just as you would if he disturbed you in the rest of the house. But what exactly is he doing down there at all hours of the night? What are those strange noises you hear? We offer for your edification a few possibilities of what he might be building in the basement.

BOMB

“People building bombs are most likely to do so in the basement,” says Chauncy Saugertes of the Maine Bureau of the ATF (Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms). Watch for an unusual interest in fireworks on the Fourth of July or frequent trips to Home Depot for fertilizer, especially when you have no yard. UPSIDE: Not really. DOWNSIDE: If something goes wrong, you

may meet several firemen at once. 6

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E


TIME MACHINE

If he always remembers your birthday, first date and anniversary, and sometimes comes in the front door, says hello to you, and proceeds down into the basement several times in succession without you seeing him leave the house, it’s most likely a time machine. While there is a risk he is working from plans that require fissionable material to power it, many men are now opting for environmentallyfriendly green models. His time at the track will be well spent, and your financial future is a bright one. DOWNSIDE: There’s always a chance he might leave you for a younger...you. UPSIDE:

RE-ANIMATED CORPSE

If there are strange smells coming from under the door, he often tracks mud through the house, and he owns a shovel but does not garden, it’s quite likely he may be assembling spare parts from a local graveyard in order to re-animate a corpse. A little harmless tinkering is okay, as long as he’s not working with relatives or others you know. Chances of success are minimal, and if it keeps him out of trouble, it’s easy to overlook. UPSIDE: Many hands make light housework. DOWNSIDE: More mud tracked THROUGH

THE HOUSE.

7


AN EIFFEL TOWER MADE OF MATCHSTICKS

If you can’t find matches anywhere in the house, he keeps taking you out to dinner more often than he used to, or if he stops off at the bar on the way home from work but comes home sober, chances are this is what he’s up to. Clearly your honeymoon made a big impression, and the good news is that men with OCD are very neat. Your mate has a passionate romantic as well as creative streak. DOWNSIDE: Your homeowners’ fire insurance policy is apt to be prohibitively expensive and it might be worth buying a metal shed that looks like a barn for the backyard. UPSIDE:

STAR TREK MODELS

Your nail file keeps disappearing, and when heading down into his workshop he mutters to himself cheerfully “One to beam down”, or “Aye Aye Nurse Chapel”. Lately it’s very fashionable to have a geeky mate, so this is a small price to pay as long as he doesn’t wear down your emory boards on plastic chads, or develop a Testor’s model cement-huffing habit. UPSIDE: He’s continuing to develop his fine

motor-skills and he’ll have a hobby to share with any kids you may have. DOWNSIDE: You’ll need a new manicure kit, and you keep finding plastic parts stuck to his pants

8

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E


SEQUENCING THE GENOME

Not so much building as decoding, think of it like an elaborate Sudoku. His conversation at breakfast and dinner may be distracted or totally incomprehensible. Friends and neighbors will complain about his harassing them for “samples.” This could be a good investment if your family knows a good patent attorney. UPSIDE: Brad has a big brain; passive

income stream once he finishes. DOWNSIDE: High electric bills, frequent requests to prick your finger.

RE-ANIMATED BRIDE OF CORPSE

If all of the above are true, AND he seems either more distant or more affectionate, this could be the cause. There’s only room for one woman in the house, and it’s you! There is no reason you should stand for this.

UPSIDE: Someone to go shopping with, a better listener in the house. DOWNSIDE: Too numerous to mention.

TUNNELING OUT

If he has a shovel, and doesn’t garden, there are no odd smells coming from the basement, and you haven’t seen him in days -- girl he’s tunneled out. Get yourself a new man. UPSIDE: More where that came from. DOWNSIDE: You’ll have to fill the hole in again

before you start over.

WATCHING PORNOS

If he has a television or computer down there and he is suddenly watching Telemundo everytime you come down to check on him, and he is not Spanish, he may have a pornographical predisposition. Though rare, this type of perversion is not treatable and you are better off without him. He is likely a pervert, or sicko, or both. If he calls it “Porn” and not “Pornos” look out. If he drops the “O” it’s time to go!

9


ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT ARE YOU ALL THAT? LOOK IN THE

MIRROR AND FIND OUT WHETHER YOU’RE IN OR OUT! ALL THAT • DISPROPORTIONATE NIPPLES • EXCESSIVE NOSE HAIR • BONY KNEE CAPS • MANLY WRISTS • FATTY • CRAZY EYES • HIPS

10

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

NONE OF THAT • LARGE MIDDLE TOES • "FANGLES" • STUBBY FINGERS • MUFFIN TOP • BIG BONED • UNEVEN EYEBROWS • CELLULITE


WWW.XHOLZ.COM 11


>rag times SO YOU’VE FINALLY TIED HIM DOWN AND YOU’RE MOVING IN. FINALLY. HOW NICE FOR YOU. BUT DON’T CALL THE SCHLEPPER’S VAN UNTIL YOU’VE READ THE GIRL’S GUIDE TO

HONEY, I’M HOME! HONEY ? SHeryN brAuN IS THe beAuTy DIreCTOr Of INSeCurITy rAgAzINe AND very, very HAppy TO be lIvINg AlONe. HAppyHAppyHAppy.

HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY

In fact, just put your precious items in storage (see sidebar). Sure, he’s committed… to his Poker-Wii-Drinking Heavily night with the boys. Your favorite Hummel becomes a hockey puck after three glasses of Scotch.

HANDLE WITH CARE

Don’t waltz in with your grandfather clock -- just because it’s been with you everywhere, including your dorm room, doesn’t mean it’ll work here. The word “grandfather” will make him feel old, which will make him resent you.

12

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

DATE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT

Sure, the temptation is to relax now that you’re all homey and cozy. But don’t pull out the Slanket—buy more lingerie and light some candles, lady. Sex should happen more, not less, or he’ll be “working late” before you can say, “Let’s get a kitten.”


PET SMARTS

SAFE (HOUSE) KEEPING PUT THESE THINGS IN STORAGE NOW!

MINE, YOURS, AND ALSO MINE

GRANDMA’S CHINA

Speaking of kittens, for the love of Jesus, don’t jump into the kitty pool for at least a year, or the dog run. Seriously, what kind of Sophie’s Choice do you want to be making in six months?

One words, ladies: BOOKPLATES. Look into it. Today he’s making fun of your Oprah-selected self-help shelf; tomorrow he’s pretending that it was his copy of The Secret Life of Bees. Labels are forever.

IF HE LOVES SOME-THING, LET IT GO Don’t touch: the remote. His phone. His laptop. The DVR list. The Netflix list. The beer in the fridge. The nineyear-old Oreos in the cupboard. His toothpaste. If I have to say “his toothbrush,” you are clearly no longer reading this and living alone again already.

LIVE IN THE NOW Don’t talk about marriage. Don’t talk about marriage. DON’T. TALK. ABOUT. MARRIAGE. You ... what? You already did? And you’re still moving in? Well ... great. That’s just great. I’ll bring a bottle of Scotch to the housewarming.

= weddings = CLINGY. COLLEGE DEGREE

= opinionated = BOSSY. FISH TANK

= maternal = DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? THROW PILLOWS

= lazy = SEXLESS. SOAP

= uptight = ANGRY. ARTWORK

= pushy = marriage = talking = YELLING = CRYING = WINE = ICE CREAM = RUNNY NOSE = FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T DO IT! WAX I N G PO E TI C

13


FASHION'S MISSING LINK HELLO IDA by:

SHAwNA rICHArDSON

LAST YEAR I ATTENDED A RELEASE PARTY at the Museum of Natural History, for what scientists call the “missing link”. After a bunch of museum types got done talking about how great they were, this cute Swedish guy got up and introduced “Ida”, a crazy looking dinosaur girl that was 43 million years old. All in all, it was pretty ho-hum, but afterwards, I had our photographer take some pictures of Ida, the Swedish dreamboat and me. To my surprise, the pictures that we took revealed something startling (besides how badly scientists accessorize). It turns out that little Ida, aside from being the oldest paleontological link to mankind's tenuous grasp on evolution, was wearing the world’s first known archeological fashion accessory. In my personal quest to connect the scientific community with the fashion world, the big question for me wasn't "when" would I find the oldest fashion accessory, rather "what" that accessory would be. The woman on the street would say an anklet or something involving twigs. Thankfully, however, the accessory we found brings to light Ida's inner rebellion and female independence, a breakthrough that will rock the accouterment historians to their core. Quite simply, the world's oldest fashion accessory is a nose stud. After I brought this to our editor, she wanted me to do some research before I finished the article. She said that she was tired of “stupid fashion magazines misquoting science”. After several months of internet searching, I found some startling similarities between Ida’s prehistoric life and my own. 14

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

Scientists who have examined Ida, Scientists describe her as a nine-month old (sixteen in human years), weighing a little over a pound, and most likely a leaf and berry eater (vegetarian). The scientific term for her is Darwinius-Masillae, but the discovery of the nose stud has us at the office calling her Rebellious-Bichebus. Most scientific research has focused on her origin, her species, her bone structure, but I feel that what's been missing has been her background. Who was Ida, who were her parents, why did she choose a nose stud as her statement to the prehistoric world?


To answer these questions, I don't think we need to look any further than the place of her demise, in Messel Pit, Germany, where she was overcome by carbon dioxide fumes while drinking from Messel Lake. As an Army brat, I lived near the Messel Pit in Germany during my teenage years, and almost died drinking there as well. As a young woman in a foreign country, I can totally sympathize with what she was going through. With her father gone most of the time (collecting food no doubt), she probably formed an overly complicated relationship with her mother who suffocated her with ridiculous rules and social mores. Unable to find friends her own age due to the language barrier, young Ida probably looked for older companionship in order to feel comfortable and alive. Paleontologists point to the nomadic practices of Ida's time period, which probably resulted in her falling in with a tough crowd of wandering vagrants, misunderstood by society, outcast for what they could not do rather than what they did. Maybe Ida even tried out for the school play, but was grounded by her father when her grades didn't meet his militant standards. Even her weight (more than a pound), likely created anthropoidal body issues. Looking for something, anything she could call her own, young Ida probably set out one night, a bottle in one hand, a dream in the other, and found herself in some hollowed tree or brush nook where other castaways came to find companionship, or to discuss the recent extinction of the dinosaurs. It's most likely that on this night, someone casually suggested to Ida that she do something to prove her independence, something that would mark her from society, and at the same time prove to her parents that she wasn't afraid to be her own person, no matter how painful it was.

ANOTHER EVOLUTIONARY LINK BETWEEN SCIENCE AND FASHION I'm not a scientist, I'm just a young woman who got sent to a boring science announcement by a fashion magazine and found something that speaks to all of us: a young girl who would never talk to her parents again. As far as the nose stud, we will send our findings off to the appropriate Fashion Designers and Scientific Institutions. I don't expect anything to come of our discovery, but if we can help join science and fashion to illuminate to our readers that the toils and struggles of women finding their independence started long before the age of man, I believe that we've done our job. To that end dear readers, take courage, and for goodness sake, call someone you love before it's too late. Ida shoulda, I finally did. WAX I N G PO E TI C

15


>waxing poetic

MORRIS DANCE YOUR WAY TO YOUR NEW LEGS AND TONED GLUTES. by:

ANNAbellA OreKSyA

S

PRING IS HERE AND NOW IS THE TIME TO START THINKING OF THE BODY YOU need for the swimsuits of summer. Impatient with Yoga? Pilates too claustrophobic? Then learn the secret the lithesome ladies of Lincolnshire have known for generations -Morris Dancing.

Dating back to the 15th Century, and often called the Tai Chi of the West, Morris Dancing is the perfect way to re-sculpt your body to lither legs, and toned glutes --and burn over a thousand KiloCalories (an English Unit of measure) per hour. In recent years, you may have seen Michael Flatley or Riverdance, a crude Irish interpretation of the Morris dance. Imagine the fancy footwork of those with

the added coordination of the upper half of the body. Playful demi-pirouette turns, saucy waves, and insouciant poses of the arms and hands take it to the next level. If you do not live in the UK or near a large cosmopolitan city with easy access to Master Teachers of The Morris Method, home audio cd’s with appropriate music are available online, and a Wii version is expected in late 2010.

WARNING: YOU WILL HAVE TO DRIVE THE MEN OFF WITH A BUTTER-CHURN STICK!

16

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E


Figure 1: Extend your left leg, flexing at the knee.

MODEL: UMA, PHOTO: SCAVENGER JO

Figure 2: Left Leg extended, draw up your right arm and quickly transfer your weight to the right leg.

Figure 3: Half turn.

Figure 4: Draw your left arm up as your right arm comes down and you transfer your weight back to the left leg, flexing the knee.

WAX I N G PO E TI C

17


MORRIS DANCING

s u l c x E

18

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E


e v i s

ON THE MOVE

WAX I N G PO E TI C

19


>raggedy man

MEDDLE SOME FRIENDS HOW TO TELL YOUR FRIEND, HER FRIENDS ARE MEDDLING by:

DIerDrA TrOl-STepHeNS

IT TAKES A GOOD FRIEND TO SPEAK CANDIDLY ABOUT A DIFFICULT SUBJECT THAT that someone might not at first want to hear. But if you see your best friend taking bad advice, being confused by unsolicited well-meaning feedback from her other friends, it's your responsibility as a true friend to let her know -- her friends are meddling.

My friend Michelle, who I met on the Campfire Girls chat-room last year, started a new relationship with a boy she'd met at a Columbus Day party. The transformation of my friend was amazing. She seemed ten years younger, and was totally taken with “Christopher”. It was so sad that her friends Jennifer and Esmee seemed threatened by Christopher and 20

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

his friends. Obviously they were jealous that Christopher had a motorcycle and a club of his own. Esmee and Jennifer would take turns calling Wendy, nearly every day, claiming that Christopher was "not the right one for her" and feigning concern about road safety, nagging her that "He didn't wear his helmet."


Understandably, Wendy was torn up, reluctant to alienate these so-calledfriends but at the same time unwilling to say goodbye to the most exciting relationship she'd ever had. What could I do but speak up and have a heart-toheart with my good friend. Her "friends" and their catty, interfering behavior was inexcusable, and I had to put my foot down and say something: her friends were meddlers, and someone had to tell her. Even when your friend's other friends have less of an obvious hold, you may notice him or her behaving differently around their real friends, like you. My neighbor Mark started dressing differently -- more sweaters, matching socks, that kind of thing. A little alarmed, I took him aside in the hall one day and asked if everything was okay -confiding that he looked different. "Oh, yeah. Everything's great. Betina and Jenna in 16D took me shopping. I had no idea how I dressed mattered so much to women." Shocked that his own neighbors would attempt to undermine his artistic credibility and stature as a serious writer

I spoke up. "Mark, these women have their own aesthetic, you have yours. There's no need to feel pressured to conform to their Heathers-like hegemony. I like the real you, you should too. If they can't accept you the way you are, warts and all, then they're the real warts, and you should have them removed.� "I'll keep that in mind." Mark thanked me, as I knew he would. Taking the advice to heart, he told me later when I passed him in the hall, that he takes every opportunity to re-assert himself with them, and that they were “very impressed� with what a friend I'd been to him. Though Wendy, Esmee and Jennifer, Betina, Jenna and James are still processing what I had to say all those months ago, taking it in on a deeper level, I know that the next time we speak, they will thank me. And your friends will realize who their real friends are and in time thank you. I pass this on to you, hoping you will benefit from my experience as I have. There's no need to thank me for the advice I share with you now, just pass it on when the opportunity presents itself. Being a real friend is a thankless job, but worth it.

R AG G E DY M AN

21


REBOUND GIRL Dear RG,

The new guy I’ve been seeing recommended I start leaving some stuff at his apartment. How much is too much and too soon? What kind of timetable should I follow? Mira DEAR MIRA, Kate Hudson in “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” took “marking her territory” to an extreme when she brought his-and-her teddy bears and lots of fluffy pink bathroom accessories over to her new boyfriend’s apartment. I recommend taking notice (not of the baby fern or the signed framed photo or the female-centric magazines) but that she also brought over a pink sheet/comforter for the bed and light days pads for the bathroom cabinet. The curse. To some people it’s taboo, to others it’s just another fact of life. And when it comes, there will be blood. The only thing consistent about women on the rag is that blood stains. Sometimes the mess messes with my feelings of attractivity and turn-on-able potential and I curse the curse. Sometimes I channel the good things, like you’re naturally very wet and you may have less cramping. But I don’t forget about the evil things, like the fact that STD’s can spread more easily – practice safe sex people! If you don’t opt for sex in the shower or tub or if the towel you place over the sheets loses its strategic advantage, or you don’t use a towel at all, the morning after requires some more cleaning up than usual. Getting out stains can require a good product, some patience and sometimes several rounds in the laundry room. Ahem. 22

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

Glimpsing the domestic side of your shag can be an enlightening experience if this becomes a shared endeavor. So it was in a Laundromat, using some of my favorite stain removal product, when I met this one rebound. I was whistling while I worked and he was staring at me curiously. Okay, I wasn’t dousing product all over my Jackson Pollackesque sexscapade in the Laundromat, I was in a discreet mode. I had attended to that at home and dumped them in the washer. And now I was actually working on getting out wine stains on a favorite dress. He was impressed with my technique, or so he said. It reminded him of a time his ex-girlfriend had stained her dress with mustard at a bbq and a girl with a travel stain stick in her purse came to her rescue. (I wonder if that was me…) I then found out his ex-girlfriend had just finished moving out that morning. They had just had break-up sex and he didn’t know if he should wash the sheets or throw them out. He had been wandering around aimlessly with his laundry bag like a vagabond until he happened upon the charming neon lights and


lavender soy scents wafting prodigiously out of the Laundromat. I said some people I know have made art projects or burned sheets in effigy. I also know of a fire pit if he needs one. He then countered with the idea of using the sheets as a picnic blanket for his next date. I thought, ooh, that’s some strange symbolism, why don’t we test it out and see what that experience is like. So he and I went to the neighborhood’s famous cheese, butcher, wine, and chocolate shops as well as a locally grown fruit and veggies stand to gather goodies. We also popped into a dollar store for a basket, plates, glasses, candles and a frisbee. While our laundry rinsed and tumbled, we sliced and diced. We recklessly tossed our dried clothes into the sacks, without folding them first, and copped a squat (Pretty Woman reference, two points!) in the park. We let that sheet flutter in the wind and fall as it may and then we set out our feast. He cried a few times, I got broccoli stuck in my teeth but we had also picked up floss and tissues at Dollar Darla’s, so all was good. The wine was delish and he accidentally spilled some on his shirt. I told him I had some good stain remover for that. He said, I know you do and winked sexy, took off the shirt and then kissed me. It was a nice rebound kiss, albeit kinda cheesy. But I kissed him back and it went from Chedder to Boucheron and melted my lips. We packed up our picnic, went to my place and headed right into the shower. Sometime after midnight we fed each other treats dipped in my chocolate fondue pot and sipped champagne and talked about what foods and ingredients we’d want with us on a desert island while the sounds of a youtube crackling fireplace played in the background.

whether or not we’d “picnic” again. Later, when he got back together with his ex-girlfriend, I was going to use that coin to do my laundry but instead I used it at a bar to play Buck Hunter. So, Mira, as you bring over your essentials, make sure to note where the Laundromat is. Where the stores are to get things like stain remover, wine, cheese, frisbees and which bars have fantastic drink specials, darts and Buck Hunter. You’re not just bringing essentials into his abode, you’re getting to know the neighborhood. Constantly wondering what the relationship “timetable” is adds too many anxieties. Instead, look at what kinds of things are in his apartment that make him comfortable. What kind of things are in yours? Are these compatible? What do you deem essential to get you to work or school the next day so you don’t look like you’re doing the “walk of shame.” Unless, of course, you’re going for that. Which reminds me of that great bit and use of costuming in 27 Dresses when Casey, the best friend character, proudly shows up to work 48 hours after a wedding doing her “walk of shame.” Wedding rebounds, now that’s fodder for many columns… Yours even on those rough and rude PMS days, RG

The next morning, we made some tasty cheese and pepper omelettes before we ventured back to the Laundromat. Incidentally, the sheets did not get thrown away. They had a great thread count. They did get washed before we picnicked on them. We tossed a coin to make that decision. We also tossed that coin on R AG G E DY M AN

23


>hanging by a thread

TATTOOS AND DON’TS by:

MArgery vAN NOrT

F

OR THOSE THAT HAVE FOLLOWED my writings all these years, it might surprise you to learn that I am quite fond of the tattoo. I have always had great admiration for the artiste who works with the needle and ink. It goes back to my youth during the Korean War, sneaking off from my parent’s summerhouse, hopping on a train to New York City, and experiencing fleet week as a naive underage debutante from Connecticut. There I met a young handsome sailor who insisted on filling my dance card all night. Later, he showed me the tattoos all over his body. They were delicious and educational. He even promised to have one made of me on his shoulder if I allowed him to take some snapshots. Nowadays, it’s not just burly men who get the tattoos. It is very sexy for quite young, quite single, quite reckless, and in some cases quite tipsy ladies to sport the tattoo in various places on their bodies as a form of expression; a statement on the world around you. However, your choice in tattoo could backfire and cast a horrid shadow of judgment from other people, and men. What does your tattoo say about you?

BUTTERFLY IMAGE

You were daring enough to get a tattoo, but in case your parents found out, you chose a butterfly because it is the symbol of beauty, fragility, and purity. You placed it in a private area that only certain raging gentleman callers would uncover with the right amount of alcohol. However, you wouldn’t do anything to disappoint Daddy. Back in boarding school we would have labeled you a “Talley-Wacker Tease.” 24

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

EASTERN CHARACTERS IMAGE

Desperate to be deep and intelligent you chose a character that baffles everyone to a state of aloofness. However, if Japanese men are buying you drinks at a Karaoke bar, then you might double-check if your tattoo truly says “Peace on Earth.”

THE STARS IMAGE

Stars (and Moons) make you a dreamer, verging on delusional and possibly evolving into a pathological liar. Also, inked on your foot makes you a lover of the fetish arts. We can only pray that you don’t have a butterfly tattooed someplace near your cookie.


THE GUN IMAGE

Three things are clear here. One, you need the canvas size to pull this off. Two, it’s pretty evident where you stand on gun control. The brass knuckles are a nice touch by the way. And three, you’re a guy.

THE WORDS IMAGE

THE HEART IMAGE

We’ve walked into a little gray area here. You could be construed as “closed-off” or “knows what she wants.” And unless an excon with a tattoo of a hunting rifle shooting skeleton keys is right around the corner; you’re going to die alone.

How utterly vain must you be to insist that the only way to comprehend your tattoo is by staring at yourself in the ladies room vanity! And for gosh sakes don’t confuse the men by putting a word problem on your chest! It will only make them stare at it longer. Not to mention, that the calligraphy is such that we have a better chance of reading it properly if it were done in that horrid wing-ding font. This one just irks my hives!

THE FISH IMAGE

You are stupid, and naïve. I will say only this, dolphins are smart enough not to get tattoos of humans, and so we should pay them the same respect. The location of this is just welcoming a Naval First Gunner Seamen to raise his scope up your blowhole. Finally, if you think that’s how dolphins kiss each other at sunset, then you’re naïve enough to think that there isn’t any film in the camera either.

THE EYES IMAGE

Clever with the right ensemble. However, they say that your eyes are the windows to your soul, and you’re telling people that your soul is right above your bottom. I would love to be a fly in your boudoir, when you give the suitor the full effect after you turn around and take off your underpants.

THE WIRE IMAGE

She is a pushover. She is indecisive, boring, and unimaginative. She is a wanna-be rebel, who will do anything to prove that she wasn’t pushed into getting the tattoo, that it was absolutely what she wanted in a tattoo, that the tattoo is cool, and she’ll cut any one who says differently. I’m not against ladies getting tattoos; just choose wisely. It’s a big commitment, and people change, but tattoos last forever. I never did find out if that sailor ever put me on his shoulder. God knows, he took a lot of snapshots of me. The next morning, he was shipping off to join his PT-boat, and I never saw him again. But I will never forget his name: Lieutenant Jack Kennedy. It’s true. The proof was inked on my inner thigh for more than fifty years. H AN G I N G B Y A TH R E AD

25


SHELAC IS BACK by: JeNNIfer

COOSebury

THESE DAYS HAIR IS NO LONGER ABOUT PROCESS, it's about product, lots of it. Making a comeback in large part due to the success of Television's Mad Men, the new look to the stars at fancy salons is easy to harness in your own home. This is not your mother's hair shelac, shelac now comes in a spray can. It can still be painted on with a brush or rubbed in, but for busy gals on the go, the spray is the way. Those of you green environmentally gals (and not just with envy) will be glad to hear that shelac is organic. It's made from an organic resin obtained from sustainable beetle larvae in India-carbon offset, natch. There are several different kinds of shelac from dark to light - ebon, eldritch, auburn, wood putty, gold, platinum and latinum. (Pictured: Ebon)

ls! r i G y He

REGULAR R U O Y F O TIRED H EMIN? WIT G E R Y T U BEA E, MONEY, IM T E L T IT L A U ATION, YO IL T N E V D AN HAVE THE TOO CAN AND HOLD E L Y T S , IR HA S 'VE ALWAY THAT YOU WANTED.

CAUTION: SHELAC IS NOT WATERPROOF SO BE SURE TO USE A FIXATIVE OR HOT WAX CONDITIONER. First wash your hair, then when it's dry, add the usual amount of your favorite hold mousse, gel, poultice or unguent. Brush it up and back, and when it's in position for your mission, hold it back and set it with shelac. 26

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E


1

4

YOU CAN BE SURE YOUR ‘DO WILL HOLD TRUE IN CRISIS SITUATIONS.

2 REMEMBER TO SHIELD YOUR EYES AND WAIT FOR THAT CIGARETTE 'TIL AFTER YOU'RE DONE.

3

WAIT FIVE MINUTES

5 Remember to shield your eyes and wait for that cigarette 'til after you're done. Spray up and back in a gentle but firm steady spraying motion. Wait five minutes. You're done! You've come a long way baby, have a cigarette! YOU'RE DONE! YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY BABY, HAVE A CIGARETTE!

H AN G I N G B Y A TH R E AD

27


ADD A LITTLE MYSTERY WITH A NOD TO FASHION HISTORY.

28

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E


YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE LEFT BEHIND, AND NEITHER DOES YOUR HAIR.

SIT AND WONDER, BUT NOT ABOUT WHAT YOUR HAIR IS DOING. MODEL: UMA, PHOTO: SCAVENGER JO H AN G I N G B Y A TH R E AD

29


>insecurity blanket

SIKE! INSECURITY RAGAZINE'S

CELEBOVOYANT GOSSIP COLUMN BRINGING YOU TOMORROW’S GOSSIP, TODAY! ONCE AGAIN, IT IS TIME FOR ME TO GAZE INTO MY CRYSTAL JIMMY CHOOS AND LET YOU IN ON MY JUICY COUTURE TIDBITS! Lindsay Lohan will plan a complete revamp of her career by starring in a new Vivid Productions movie with veterans Shauna “Queen Of Lucite” Sands and Carrie “Fallen Angel” Prejean in “THE WITCHES OF EASTDICK.” “NEW MOON” is so popular the Republicans will plan to run it in the next presidential election in 2012. Sarah Palin out… R-Patz in! Also on the not so political front, Levi Johnson will write a tell-all, but like his Playgirl shoot, it’s expected to be a short story. Mel Gibson’s Member’s Only church has found it difficult to keep outsiders from crashing his private sermons, so to keep things exclusive he’s insisting Malibu parishioners be baptized in Holy Vodka and be tattooed “Property Of Mel.” Meanwhile in television news, a crossover episode of “JERSEY SHORE” and “STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN” will soon be in the works, in which the ponytailed one will break up a physical altercation between Snooki and Mike aka The Situation over a bottle of spray tan. Luckily for Seagal, he won’t even have to leave the couch to break up this brawl. 30

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

In the ultimate comeback maneuver, exCalifornia Governor candidate Gary Coleman will trick Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie into adopting him. Before his ruse is discovered into a peewee soccer victory ad get his own reality TV show. After the role will be turned down by everybody in Hollywood, Mickey Rourke will sign on to play himself in the film “Mickey and Me” an autobiographical romantic comedy about a small Chihuahua dog Loki and the down-on-his-luck movie star. The dog will be voiced by George Lopez. It will send shockwaves through the gossip community when Perez Hilton has a child out of wedlock with Bruno.

SIKE'S CORRECTIONS FROM LAST MONTH: I SAID: A remake of 80’s classic “LOVERBOY” would be announced. I MEANT TO SAY: A remake of “CLUE” with Tom Hanks playing all the parts will be announced with Robert Zemekis directing. SO DON’T WORRY: “LOST” will be on for another 5 seasons!

MS. BAXLEY IS A LICENSED CELEBRITY

PSYCHIC. THIS IS HER FIRST FORAY INTO PRESCIENT GOSSIP, SO THIS STUFF PRETTY MUCH WON'T HAPPEN.


>insecurious

MUGOMETER

CELEBRATING BAD BOY MONTH!

EVERY GIRL GOES THROUGH THIS STAGE. SO LET’S REMEMBER WHY “NO” MEANS “YES” WHEN IT COMES TO THESE BAD BOYS! (PHOTOS ARE TAKEN FROM WWW.MUGSHOT.COM.)

Tall, dark, strong,educated, and Oh! That chisel chin.

Sleek jet back hair, Intense eyes, perfect dimples, sexy half-smile, teeth, and strategically and those piercing eyes. placed scars. Delicious!

Oh my goodness! Tortured soul. Vulnerable tattoos. And shaved mullet! I’ll save you!

Looks, style, boyish charm and dangerous. What more do we want?

Those mysterious eyebrows! Is he listening to us or undressing us? And that head of hair that we could just get lost in for days.

I N S E C U R I TY B L AN K E T

31


HOOKING UP ALL BY YOURSELF by:

TIllIe HOfACKer

OKAY, THERE MIGHT NOT BE A MAN IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW, AND YOU’VE convinced yourself that it’s okay. It’s fine; that’s where you are in your journey. Until, of course, you have to hook up your new cable box. (Sigh). Now you regret not going out on that third date with that IT Support geek, who so desperately wanted to upload his file to your flash drive.

THE OLD FASHIONED WAY

You could call the Cable Guy. That might be fun. Possibly act out some deeply hidden sexual fantasy where he turns the other cute butt-cheek to give you the premium channels for free since you just did the same for him. But then you snap out of it, realizing that the Cable Guy is never as hot as the UPS guy, or the firefighter, or the deli guy who sells you a pint of double fudge mint cookie ice cream. Plus it’s $75.00 for the Cable guy to make a house call, and who wants to pay a service charge in their fantasy?

32

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

So, let’s man up and do it ourselves. Be your own man. Open up the directions… Good… Look them over… Uhuh… Uhuh…. What the hell? Is this some sort of code? Guys can’t read a map, but they can read this? Don’t panic… what did you do back in high school when you tutored the dumb jock in math? You explained the equations using sports terms. You have four basketballs and two players; how many balls does each player get? (The answer is 2, by the way.)


The same principles apply here. Follow the numbers and change the text. Don’t replace the text with words like “whoseywhatsit”or or “whatsitcabob” or “red thingy.” We are NOT in the third grade, we do have a college degree, so let’s try to keep our dignity. Instead, let’s have some fun by hooking up our cable by fantasizing about hooking up with our Cable Guy, shall we? Oh, lets make him a Vampire Cable Guy….Yay! Okay you’ve already wrapped your arms around his muscular shoulders, as this tall, ripped, fit, Vampire Cable Guy carries you to your bed and throws you down on top of your Egyptian cotton sheets, without saying a word.

VAMPIRE CABLE GUY WAY

1

Your eyes lock.

2

His strong hand

He smiles at you with his perfect white teeth and makes your cheeks flush with anticipation.

brushes against the silky soft fabric of your blouse, tracing the outline of your torso and breast while quietly snapping loose one button at a time.

I N S E C U R I TY B L AN K E T

3 33 3


3

His hot breath hovers inches away from your ear lobe as

4

Distracted by his strong, soft, wet lips pressing against

he lowers his slightly open mouth to gently kiss the base of your neck. At first the sensation tickles unbearably, then it

yours, you barely notice his fingers gliding between your legs, quickly sending an explosion of tremors and waves of pleasure.

Your hips move with liquid grace as he thrusts his smooth,

5

delicate, arousing bulge inside you, creating a release of hot magic.

Congratulations. That was hot! Hopefully you’ve hooked up your cable and not wrapped yourself in cords. One final note: once you turn it on, it takes about 15 minutes to a half hour to warm up and get going. Sound familiar? Enjoy. 34

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E


>raggamuffin

10 WORDS

YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE LETTER C EDITION

coiffure (as in "hairdo") n. : the arrangement of the hair (especially a woman's hair) There’s a Jersey joke that we’re not allowed to make according to my in-law.

cleave (as in "tear") v.: separate or cut with a tool, such as a sharp instrument; "cleave the bone" Age has nothing to do with this... what are you looking at?

cetchup (as in "catsup") n. : thick spicy sauce made from tomatoes We’re sick of foreigners misspelling words on purpose. IT’S KETCHUP!!!!

canorous (as in "canorous") adj. : richly melodious Okay, it apparently does NOT involve cancer.

crenate (as in "crenate") adj. : having a margin with rounded scallops We’re still looking into whether or not this is a vegan term.

Crintological- (as in "crintological") adj. : relating to or arranged according to topological space; "assume the vector space is finite dimensional" Try using this one at Radio Shack and watch the employees scatter.

chrichtono (as in “chrichtono) n. : any group professing the Christian doctrine of women priests. or belief; "the church is debating the issue of women priests" They’re going to die off someday, right? chattel (as in "personal property") n. : personal as opposed to real property; any tangible movable property (furniture or domestic animals or a car etc.) Either you got it, or you don’t. There’s no need to talk about it.

cat (as in "guy") n. : an informal term for a youth or man; "a nice guy"; "the guy's only doing it for some doll" We don’t’ think you need to know THIS version of the word. Castrological (as in "castrological") adj. : relating to or concerned with castrology; "castrological chart" This word was created in the 1980’s to help track the various cast members of the Facts of Life. R AG G AM U F F I N

35


>ragamuffin

CONSTELLATION PRIZE INSECURITY HOROSCOPE APRIL 2010

MAVEN MADISON READS THE STARS AND AVOIDS THE FOOLS … JUST FOR YOU.

ARIES

LEO

TAURUS

VIRGO

You are hotter than a box of Red Hots, Ram, and that coworker is totally into you. You’re on fire! I mean, you’re going to get fired. Whoops. Your torrid love affair with yourself is going to hit a rough patch this month when someone special catches you in the act. Maybe stop doing “the act” in public for a while.

Oh, honey, holiday spirit is very nice, but red is just not your color. Or pink. Or green. Or blue. Or yellow. Or purple.

He loves me … he loves me not … he loves … someone else. Keep your eyes on his, Gemmy, because they’re wandering!

Another Anniversary is just another batch of delicious homemade heart-shaped brownies cast before the swine at the office, another set of cards sent to your whole family even though they never call, another three-day cleanse so you can fit into the bandage dress you spent your life savings on, just so he could take you to another stupid Italian restaurant and NOT PROPOSE. Good thing another friend did get engaged, and you’ll be shopping for another hideous bridesmaid dress soon.

CANCER

LIBRA

GEMINI

In the words of the poet, “If he liked it then he shoulda put a ring on it.” And if he doesn’t, order the crab cakes, and the lobster, and the wine pairing.

36

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

Your specialty is balance, so here you go: on the one hand, your hair is okay. On the other, your lip hair could use a serious wax.


SCORPIO

Your wooing technique is a box of chocolates: a series of cheap clichés that each have one bite taken out of

SAGITTARIUS

Your brain says no, your body says yes, your ex-sister-in-law says THIS IS WEIRD.

CAPRICORN

What you call mysterious and alluring, everyone else calls standoffish and elitist. They’d probably change their minds if you bought the next round, though.

AQUARIUS

The stars would be incredibly irritated by your constant Facebook postings, if they weren’t so damn relieved you haven’t figured out Twitter yet.

PISCES

The old box of candy hearts are not “trying to tell you something.” Except the one that says GET REAL. That one is definitely for you.

R AG G AM U F F I N

3 37 7


38

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E


WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU… WE HOPE THAT THIS ISSUE HELPED TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS FOR YOU AQUANET DOES NOT EQUAL SHELAC. YOU THOUGHT FIRST AND LAST MONTH'S DEPOSITS WERE STRICTLY FINANCIAL YOU THOUGHT A PALEONTOLOGIST WAS A BLEACHED PHILOSOPHER THERE AREN’T ENOUGH COMMENTS WITH YOUR NAME ON IT. YOUR FRIEND’S FRIENDS ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND’S FRIEND’S FRIENDS. TONIGHT’S JELLO SHOTS OFTEN LEAD TO TOMORROW’S MUGSHOTS. YOU THOUGHT THAT STAR TREK MODELS WERE PART OF FASHION WEEK. R AG G AM U F F I N

39


>pages bleues LATELY WE’VE BEEN RECEIVING QUITE A FEW QUESTIONS REGARDING PAGES BLEUES.

SPOTLIGHT:

WE NEED YOUR HELP At Insecurity Ragazine, we have a lot of fun pointing out some of the absurdities that women are expected to acknowledge as the norm. At the end of every Ragazine, however, we hope to feature a different view of what women can be. During the commencement speech at my college graduation, we listened to the story of an African-American woman who encouraged us to find the essence of life through the quality of our relationships with others. Finding the balance between ambition and humility was easier when you trusted and assisted the people around you. To live a life for others was not a choice, it was a path towards happiness not found in magazines, television or movies. At the end of the speech she gave two pieces of advice. The first was to become a "woman for others" and add to the conversation of life rather than save it for a commencement speech. The second was that when you have a bad day, go and 40

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E


buy yourself a pair of red shoes. She didn't know why, only that red shoes somehow made you feel better. When we left the auditorium that afternoon, all of us felt a little more excited about what lay ahead and a little less scared about how we would get there. Her phrase "a woman for others" is the breath that fills these pages. Pages Bleues are stories of women that inspire us, women that have a simplicity about their lives and influence us in ways that society doesn't always recognize. In short, these women give us confidence in ourselves, hope, compassion, and a better understanding of the challenges that everyone faces.

OUR CHALLENGE TO YOU IS TO HELP US FIND THESE WOMEN AND TELL THEIR STORIES. Our challenge to you is to help us find these women and tell their stories. If you know of a woman that has changed your life, or the lives of those around them, we would like to hear from you. Please compose a brief description of why this person should be in Pages Bleues and email it to pagesbleues@insecurityrag.com. Please include your contact information in the correspondence. With your help, we hope to create a place where "a woman for others" becomes the ambition, not the exception. EDITORIAL STAFF- INSECURITY RAGAZINE

R AG G AM U F F I N

41


Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.