Perfectionism and managing the high achiever

Not being able to achieve the high standards set for themselves by themselves can lead to a feeling offrustration and anxiety in children and adults

M~:~::~~~:~en that ~hey would classify as perfectionistic.

Perfectionism is evident when a chi.Id (or adult) foc u ses on completing activities and tas k s tO best that they can possibly do and to a p erceived stan dard of excellen ce drn t would class i fy the o utco m e as 'the best'. Whilst doin g work of a h igh standard i s to be val u ed, d1e associated feelings of anxiety, stress, fr u stra tion and Low self worth may n eed to be addressed.

Perfection.ism is o fte n seen in chi ldren who disp lay d1e following characteristics: t h ey are often bright, usually first born (eldest) o r only children., fu1d change difficult to manage and ar e often anxious about the results of an e ndeavonr they u n de rtake. A person manifesting perfectionist tendencies a nd w ho i s a lso highly visual, may te n d to arrange thei r wo rks pace to a ver y specific standard Perfectionists can become stressed around deadlines and performance, i f there is clutte r or a sen se of d isorganisatio n o r unpredictability Such smden ts also t end to need fixed times for srudy, a clear wor king space, a tidy c lass roo m and teachers who are o rd ered and methodical.

Teacher pleasers

Perfectionism n eeds to be distinguished from 'te ach e rp leasing' or parent- p leasing behaviours. \ 'Vhilsr obedie nc e can be valued in classroom and h ouse ho ld r e latio n ships, ir is not a s ign of intelligence or perfectionism. Pear of critic is m can make a ch ild want to be compliant. Perfectionism however, rend s co be viewed as an inner prompt ramer d1an aris ing from an external source.

Langua~e and rationalisation of feelings

W hen a chi.Id ac quires la nguage at a y0tmg age, they can be very engagi ng, chatty and cute. This can encourage furd1er developmen t o f lan g uage as older children, adults and others ta ll, to the child. Th e ac quisition of language at a yo ung age can lead to difficulty w ith re sp ect to the management of perfectionistic beh aviours. Th e chi.Id with strong language skills mar be e nc ouraged to 'ca.Im down ' or to 'stay cool' when they baulk a t a task or expr ess dissatisfaction w ith d1eir own ac hi evemen t s This use of logic an d ration al th inki ng actually undermines d1e child's capacity to h elp to manage perfectionistic beh aviours

Ad ultification

A further comp lication char ari ses wid1 me early acquisi tio n of lan guage is that of adu.ltification. If di.i s occurs, me chi.Id te nds to be treated Li ke a n equal of che parents, wi m d1em appealing to d1e child to manage, and even asking d1e child for t heir opinion on vari ous matters, Like feelings and choices they would l.i ke to m ake Some measure o f independe nce is e ncouraged by mis approacli, but far greater dependence also occurs This dep e nde nc e is pi:imaci.ly em o tional.

Emotional dependence and the perfectionist

A chi.Id manifesting perfectionism can find i t very difficLtlt to cope with perceptions of 'failure', performance that is even sligh tly below that which d1ey are capable of achievin g, and ma)' be ve r y re luctan t ro take r isks when rh e o utcome is nor certain. In a class room su c h children wi.11 not venture answers co qu es tions unless they are certain t hey are corr ect. l'vforeover, if gi ven an open -ended task they can find it extremely di fficult to kn ow where to start. They w ill often ask to b e to ld exactly wha t to do. For teachers such beh aviours see m very limiting, as m e smdeoc appears ve ry dependent.

Moreover, as the child ages a nd pa sses through high sch ool such perfectionism undermines me goal o f helping a child to ' learn co .l ear n'

The

language

Of Fee L Ings

It is ve r y important ch at sn1dencs wid1 perfectionism lear n h ow co manage this tendency and beco m e more resilient. If they can be taug h t how to identify, articulate and rake co n trol over d1e feeli ngs assoc iated with me stress a round performance and acluevemem, th ey will have a cquired skills for life.

Th e first step is d1ac feelings muse be articulated. This is a very difficult step. Th e o nu s here l ays with me adults not d1e chi.Id. I r sounds quire easy to do - simp ly 11ame d1e feelings associated wid1 me process o f doing somethi n g where performance rea.lJy, really matters.

Managing stress

The typical respo n se from a parent or teach e r in managing m is s ituation usua.lJy ta kes d1e following fo rm: "You have tried yom: b est, just be happy wi th what you have done". " D o n 't be so upset. Just get ir done No need get ting so stressed abom it".

These responses whilst wellmeant, ate gen era.lJy worse man ineffectual. Th ey actually attempt to manage emotion wim logic or reason. The usual effec t i s to create a wi d e gap between the adL1lt and child, an d for the situation to worsen ramer dian improve. So t he question arises as ro wheth er there is a bette r an d m ore effective way wi th lo ng .lastin g e ffects Formnately, rh e simple a n swer is 'yes'

What feelings?

So what does a child fee l wh en they believe they have to produce m e pe rfect p iece of work ever y time? \'\'h at feelings are be ing exp ressed when a child rips up work a n d starts again ? An obviou s answe r, in t he scenari o given, is th at 'the c hild feels a ngry or frustrated'. Unformnately d1e obvious answer is n ot tbe correct one. \l\lhi.ls t they may be expressing strong frustratio n , th e actual feelings leading to the frustration need to be iden tified. Behind d1e frustration, a child pro bab ly feels 1.ike mey have d isappoim ed them selves, mat they w ill be judged for letting down ome rs. This, in turn may be premised on low levels of sel f word1 Thus, ad d ressing the 'anger' and c alm in g i t acma.lJy does n or iden ti fy o r ad dress the tmder.l ying feelings.

Levelling feelings :

Three benefits

W h en a child is told h ow they are feeling - not asked how Lhey are feeling - it has mree benefits l f a parent or teacher was ab le to say, " D oin g well rea.lly matters to you. When you have high srandard s then i t is very stressful h aving to complere dungs in a short rime".

These words first tell a chi ld d1ar me adult understands d1em Th is is a very signifi cant.

Second!)', d1e acmal ar ticulation of the feelings helps to normalise the feeli n gs and als o give t hem a n ame This srateme nt s hould be followed b y a short p eriod of s ilence. At th.is time t he child norma.lJy agrees b ecause clearly they have been tmderstood and this articulatio n creates a p owerful and palpabl e sense of Lmderstandi.ng.

Lastly, the p a rent can d1en say, "And when we feel d1ese overwhelming fee lin gs d1en we can breadie slowly and calm ourselves down". ln tl1is way tl1e parent also role models cop ing strategies.

If mis pattern is foll owed, over time the child should learn

Behind the frustration, a child probably feels like they have disappointed themselves, that they will be judged for letting down others to iden tify meir own feelings, articul a te them fo r themse lves and learn to manage the feeli n gs tl1rough self- talk and calm breathing.

A n ote of caution, however. Whils t this i s a very simple model, it is ver y difficult to app ly for a number of reasons. Firstly, in today's so ciety we are n ot u sed to having tl1e tim e requir ed ro actua.lJy wor k through the process or to even identify how we feel. Secondly, leveJJing feelings runs counter to t he dominant paradi!,>m o f managing throu gh rationalisation and .l.ogic. T hirdly, articula ting feelings cakes time and practice. Fourthly, th is type of articulation can mal,e the parent feel vul n erabl e. T h is is because tl1ey may well be managing a situatio n d i fferendy to h ow they have eve r managed prio r. A n d this can feel novel and weak. Lastl y, tl1e mode.I takes some time to perfect and thus feel.ing secure in tl1e process can take time lo summary, perfectionism can drive peop le ro a chieve to a high standard consisten tl y.

When perfectionism is associated with hig h levels of anxiety, a rational or .l ogical app roacli d oes n or help in eime r easi ng srress o r a ssistiog a child to become better at iden tifyi ng and cop ing with t he behaviour.

A n approach based on an w1derstanding of d1e underl }ring feeling tends to be more effective, and helps in self-understanding and long term coping.

From Tanglish to bhangra and R&B, this song has transcended boundaries of linguistics, rhythm and emotion

I'm one of those second generati_on migrants who, faced with the pressures of maint.'UJlllg culniral continuity, grew up more traditionallyociented in some ways than my r elatives in the mother countr y. I hover between diis conservatism and a radicalism ,vhich comp letely reject.~ convention. Hence, my music taste spans from deepl y conservative, class ical (o r folk) traditional styles to wildly alternative innovations on the fringe. One o f the fallouts of diis is that I never actively listened to a lot of Indian popular music except at weddings, as it was nor tradi tional enough o r alternative enough for me.

Ar the end of 2011, my brothe r 's family returned from a trip to India and o ne of the first things he aske d me was, " Have yo u heard the Kolrweri song?" I hadn't, and educated mysel f w ith YouTube clips of t he song, including a chipmw:ik version.

I wasn't mar impressed by the song. My first reaction was that it perpen1ared the racially discriminatory obsession with fair skin so prevalent in India through focusing on a 'girl with white skin' \\~th a 'black' heart as the object of love. The idea that white skin is the epitome of beauty and a black heart is a bad thing, and die kind of overt colourising of good and bad was a bit coo overt for m y liking. I may be accused of reading too much into a nonsense song, but these questions need to be asked. The sheer popularity and populism of a song which did not, to my min~ have much to ir, also annoyed me. Ok, just another blip on die Indian pop tirneline, or so l diought.

Then, a couple of months later, l picked up a copy of Indian Link from the local spice store and saw a headline about a Kolr111e,i Di flash mob on the cover. In mild s hock, I b rought it home and soon m y wife and l were on YouTube enjo)ring the Pitt St display - wel.l d one, people! But after checking our flash mobs in Auckland, Chennai, USA, Canada and Holland, we discovered d1ar the re were versions of the song s panning different languages including Punjabi, French, Sinhala, Italian, English (as o pposed to the original 'Tanglish ') Some of these were superimposed over die original music and ochers were musicall y reshaped in to bhangra or R&B rearrangements. The linguistic and stylistic dive rsity of these different versions of die song motivated me co give di e song a second cliance, after I go t over d1e slight embarrassment that it would take such a self-evident nonsense song (or self-proclaimed ' flop song') to place Tamil adu and die Tamil language so prominently on the world stage

The original song uses mostl y Engli sh words within a simplified Tam il syntax and case endings called 'Tanglish' (for the record , I'm nor a big fan of di is term as it could be used for any mixture of English with a language beginning witb 'T' such as Telugu, Tullu, Thai , Turkish or Tagalog).

The lines are very simple and formulaic so it doesn't rake much to understand the song i f yo u can understand English and have some awareness of Indian pronunciation.

India has a rich liistory of poetry and song diat mL"Xes and moves between different languages - in south lndja this is called 111anipra11"1,m, 'lvlmil is Tamil for 'ruby' and 'pravdld is Sanskrit for ' coral', depicting d1e high aesthetic regard given to such poetry. The word 111t111ipmvtil"m is also used in contemporary Tamil co refer to code-switching ~1r d1e mixing of languages in conversa tion, which is very common across India and the world over. The interspersion of English words into Tamil conversation is deepl y entrenched, particularly in Chennai where loan words which end in consonant.~ are often followed by die vowel u, making them fir into South Indian pronunciation. This featLtre is called vowel epenthesis and occurs even in Tamil whe re words such as pal (tooth) , sol (speak), 11w11 (dirt) and /fr (country) become pal/11, sol/11, t11a111111 and 1im in d1e spo ken Taniil of various parts of Tamil adu. This same change o ccurs to English words w hich end on consonanrs like girl (girl-11), skin (skin-11) etc. And it only happens in the South, highlighting the regional flavour of the language of the song

The other language versions of Kolaueti are equally interesting. Amongst my fa vourites is one of the Sinhala versions (of at least three!) called 1'1etre song which appears to be about some misadventure in vol ving a taxi or auto -rickshaw metre. While 1 expect a degree of ridicul ousness from die clip and the insobriety of the singers' voices, I am intrigued as to how it's all lyrically strung together The English R&B version of Ho)J) cott!dJ•ou df/ this to ,,,e b y the UK -based Tamil background singer Arjllll is also interesting, because i t draws on die catcliiness of the tune and restyles it w ith an R&B touch.

Arjuo's version coolifies the lyrics, replacing the 'Tanglish' 'flop song' vibe w ith something more in keeping with an R&B song (to make the point, his YouTube clip begins with a d isclaimer: 1 don't usually do diis type of song ) Then the re's die Punjabi bhangra ve rsion whjcli is lots o f fun too. The different vers ions show how the sentiment of being str uck down by love in the Tamil word kolave1i Qiterally 'murderous rage ') is various ly adapted and reinterpreted.

While many of the versions and flash mobs have come from the lndian diaspo ra living abroad, the flash mob hdd in H o lland by the G ya s Groningen rowing team breaks d1a t mould, enacted by non-Indian looki ng performers. The whole performance confounds several preconceived ideas (well, at least mine) about music, id entity and language, and so is worth cbecking out. It l ooks like the performers are taking the song way too seriously and parod ying it at the same time. Whatever it is, a Im of thought has gone into ir a nd clearly die 'Tanglish' i s accessible enough to make the dramatisations hilarious. When m y brother's family visited LI S in Canberra ove r Easter, this time it was us showing them Kolaueri clips and the Durch version had us all in stitches

Thanks to the Sydney Aash mob, l revisited rliis nonsense song and took d1e time to see it th.rough fresh len s, en joying ics different manifestations Ok, ir is quire catchy and l admit rliar it often gees played in Ollf house (in one or more of irs different versions) between our varied appetite of class ical and foll<, traditional and hybrid, sacred and silly music. The linguistic and cultural aspects of the manifestation s of the song continue ro intrjgue me, and may do so for a while yet. I've now djscovered diar there is a Kolaveripedia which is documenting the global spread of Kolaveri across India and the world, including an l SKCON vers ion w ith the "Hare Krishna" mantra. in brows. The natural shape is a ge ntle curve, and if there is a peak in die middle or towards tl,e latter half, it can make yo u look harsh and stern.

While its status as a 'Tamil' song may be debatable, Kolaveri is definitely d1e pr oduct of a Tamil language setting, and it has been embraced across India and die world like dosai. This fills me w id1 a mixed sense of pride and embarrassmenr (about Kol,,veri, not dos111l), but that's popular cu.ltLtre for you The other interesting fallout has been a debate it has inspired about the integrity of language manifest in a '.Jaffna' ve rsion of the song in prosaic Tamil asking (die authors and fans) why ' m y Tamil language' has been subject to a murdero us rage (en Tamizp 111ozpi Jllel 1makkift1 inda kolaveri dd). And with a foot in tradition al revivalism and another in tmbridled hybrid ity, I find m ysel f appreciating the creative expression on bodi sides of the debate, and hopping on die Kol111,c1i bandwagon.

Just like a haircut where you choose a cue ch at suits yo ur face, it is important co keep in mind the shape of rour face and featu res before tweezing o r threading your eye brows into a certain shape. Some fo lks are lucky - they have perfectl y shaped eyes and brows Bm for those who don't, it is possibl e to make the mos t of what they have Here is a guide on do's and don'ts to make sure your eyebrows frame yo ur eyes perfectly.

1

If yo u have thick eyebrows, ir is better co keep them chat way and not shape th em to become pencil tl,in. Really dun eyebrows make a person lo ok o ld er. Yo u sho uld co n sider thinner eyebrows (and even th at should be in moderation) only if yo u h ave a narrow forehead and very thic k brows

2

The ideal shape fo r eyebrows should be thick at the stare, dunning out in the middle in proporr.ion and gradually tapering out cowards die corner of the eye. Whatever the t hickness of your b rows, try and retain this shape. Also, avoid angular shape

5

If yo m eyebrows meet in the centre above yo ur nose (essentiall y tl,e spot where yo u place a b indi), you have co ensure tl,at there is a gap between your brows The ideal ga p should be a little more than tl,e wid di of your index finger. Clearing up this space can open up the area and make your face brighter.

3

If you have natmally scanty eyeb rows or hair d 1at d oesn't grow close togedier, fill in tl,e gaps with an eyebrow pencil. :Most women grm7 itate towards black eye pencil s but ideally a dark brown works better. Use i t to fill in colour where the h air is sp ars e - usually at die end or th e start of the eyebrows. You can a lso consider using waterproof pencils if it's a hot day.

6

If you decide to have highlights m your ha1r, make su re you lighten your eyebrows too. I do n't mean go blond e on yom face, but you can opt for a dark s hade of brown ro lighten your brows

4

A !or of women have naturally long eyebrmvs II dieir peepers below are large and tl1ickly lashed , tl,ey look wonderful - case in point, Deepika Padukone. Bm if you have really thick and long brows, bur a small face an d sm a ll d eep set eyes, it is better to thin them out a b it. You can take one line of hair off, but from die top of tl, e eyebrow, not below.

7

Make- up artists recommend p lucking eyebrows with a tweezer over direading or waxing them into shape A tweezer helps yo u decide the shape better a nd you can isolate the hair you wane to remove. A lso, if you have a do co attend in die mid dl e of the week, you can pluck o m the extra hair and maintain a well-g roomed appearance

8 Along w ith your eyes, it i s important to have well-shaped eyebrows. Keep a good tweezer handy and if you have a sp aci ous batllfoom where you can keep a magnifyi ng m ir ror l ike they have in hotel rooms, you can keep your brows in good shape at all times.