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“Oh. Okay. I see. You think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and you select... that lumpy blue sweater; but what you don’t know is that that sweater is not just blue, it’s not turquoise. It’s not lapis. It’s actually cerulean. And you’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent... wasn’t it, who showed cerulean military jackets. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. And then it filtered down through the department stores. That blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room.” - Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada
Welcome to the Book Issue 4 Letter from the Founders + Mast Head Articles 19 RT “Gr8 Xpectations” via mobile 22 Eat, Pray, Love the Festival of San Gennaro 39 One Fish Two Fish author James Kennedy 48 Girl, Interrupted writer Jamie Keiles 56 Pride, Prejudice & Adaption The Lizzie Bennet Diaries 74 Thomas Aquinas for VP “a mormon and a catholic walk into the RNC...” Photography 13 Lolita and the Lorax 24 Postcards from: Amalfi, Italy 28 50 Shades of Grey 34 Pale Fire 60 Coney 2012 Featuring 18 Fruit poetry Dave Shaw 44 The Babysitter’s Club Grace Miceli 47 Ten Things Paul Baribeau 53 Heaven and Hell Gabby G’abby 79 Any Last Words? Daniel Alexander aka “SNCK PCK”
Jackson Krule Photographer in this issue: Coney 2012, (page 60) Jackson is a Junior at the Tisch School of the Arts Photography & Imaging program. One time when he was 18 and studying in Paris he bumped into Woody Allen and his daughter-wife and shook his hands. He thinks Woody Allen has really soft hands. krule.tumblr.com
Karolina Assadova Artist/Illustrator in this issue: illustrations throughout (opposite page) Karolina is 18 and has a coy power that makes it impossible to not want to immitate her. minipete.tumblr.com Katilyn Rickson Artist in this issue: Lolita and the Lorax (page 13) Kaitlyn is a 20 year old living on Vancouver Island. Her fascinations include Heath Ledger, comics, Alice in Wonderland, and the deer in her backyard. Collages, shrines, photography and shelf displays are her specialty.
kerplunk-punk.tumblr.com Winston Alford-Hamburg Photographer in this issue: Pale Fire (page 34) Winston is a student at NYU double-majoring in urban design and architecture studies and French (the former two are one major). He is also interested in photography, travel, food, and philosophy.
Letter from the Founders
Books, Books, Baby: inconnu issue 2 is in the house!
Us Editor-in-Chief Joanna Harkins Creative Director Kellie Hogan Contributing Editor/ Webmaster Taylor Brogan
THANK YOU to all of our wonderful contributors. We’re going to throw a party for you one day (really). Please enjoy and don’t forget to let us know what you think online at inconnumag. com or by emailing us at firstname.lastname@example.org Much love, Joanna Harkins + Kellie Hogan Co-Founders
Staff Writers Hannah Bellamy Alejandra Buitrago Mike Kerr
Making inconnu is an ever-evolving process. As we are constantly looking for people and ideas to perfect our vision, the magazine evolves as we do. During the past year, we have been busy working to make issue #2 better, faster and stronger than the debut issue. We’re proud of the fact that we’ve been able to do it even though we live in three different cities. We’re expanding our network. We’ve hired a group of staff writers and have our website, inconnumag.com, publishing new content weekly. We are very excited for inconnu’s future, and expect a total evolution with each new issue. The decision to make this issue all about books felt really relevant, yet at the same time we were aware that the discussion of books is slowly dying. People seem more interested in their Twitters and TV shows (ourselves included) than sitting down with a cup of steaming hot cocoa and some TS Eliot. I mean how many 20-somethings do you know that are in book clubs? So we’re here to keep up the discussion of those beautiful, wonderful creatures collecting dust on your shelves. You just might discover a whole new side that you didn’t even know books had. You will find a little bit of everything about books and writing: interviews with writers, both published and not-quite, pieces about book-to-film adaptations, what it’s like to date a writer, what the best fictional characters are reading, and plenty more big, notorious, juicy reads. We also have a lot of completely crazy stunning photos that you can flick through while you’re Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Check out the appropriately named, Coney 2012, *wink*, with some of our favorite people who you might remember from our first issue, shot on location at the super-fun Coney Island, in the sweltering summer heat.
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
“you’re going to have to see what happens before you can write the end of the story”
I am standing in a Brooklyn apartment listening to the sound of clucking chickens. I ask myself, once again, what I’m doing in some strange man’s kitchen, listening to chickens and his (fairly spot-on) Phillip Seymour Hoffman impression. Days before, I was sitting in bed wiping cheese-it crumbs off my keyboard, tweeting at my favorite Internet personality, and now I’m standing in his kitchen. I look through some cookbooks in the corner and make small talk while he makes us tea. Totally normal. I definitely haven’t thought about how I feel like a character from every coming-of age-story: a naive young girl from the suburbs moves to the big city and meets her favorite blogger. But he’s not really so much of a stranger to me, when I think about it. After years of seeing him around the Internet and reading his writing, I certainly know a lot more about him than he knows about me. I’m well versed in his “personal brand” and curious to see how much of it is real. So it goes in the Internet era. We sit down on the couch with our tea, and awkwardly watch a few minutes of Wheel of Fortune while I try to think of something witty and alluring to say. I comment on how much one of the contestants looks like Santa Claus. Good one, Joanna. Luckily for me he livens up the conversation by starting to tell stories about some of the different places he’s lived. While
I’m already familiar with many of these stories through bits and pieces that I’ve read online, I’m eating it up. There’s a steady ebb and flow to the conversation. I realize that initially my attraction to him is based mostly on the fact that he’s “a writer” (the dirty word) and more importantly, a good storyteller. I’m a sucker for stories told face to face because you don’t loose any of the emotion that can easily become lost when transcribed. He tells me about a painful breakup with an ex-girlfriend in Chicago and about old friends in LA with such enthusiasm and purpose that I can’t help but wonder if I could ever become one of his stories. I fantasize him telling stories about how I was just a mousy and eager 20-nothing when he met me, and can you really believe that inconnu magazine is outselling Vogue? I imagine telling my grandchildren stories of how once upon a time I gallivanted around New York with writers, artists and bohemians, and inspired their art; that I was their muse. But that is not reality. It’s kind of a funny, self-important, thing to think about, but I feel like it’s a valid question. I’m not Daisy Buchanan, and you’re not F. Scott Fitzgerald, but to what degree am I an influence? If you spend enough time with someone who makes a living by telling stories, you think maybe, you’ll find parts of yourself reflected in them.
You hear stories and speculation all the time about real life people who inspired some of the most well known literary characters. I would rather hear stories about Lady Duff Twysen, who inspired Brett Ashley from The Sun Also Rises, than pretend it’s all just made up. I want to know how much of the story is true. Lady Duff must have been quite the interesting lady to inspire such a character. Even a character as random as Lucy, from the Sandler film, 50 First Dates, is based in truth: there’s a woman named Michelle Philpots who wakes up every day to her husband showing her pictures of their wedding just so she remembers that they’re married. Truth really can be stranger than fiction, I guess. One thing that I did learn after spending months with said PhillipSeymour-Hoffman-impressionist, is that sometimes it can be hard to compete with the stories. This is the flip side of the coin. While truth can be stranger than fiction, sometimes the lines get blurred. Writing can require a romanticized vision of the past that blocks your ability to move forward. That’s where you find the opportunity to get stuck in a rut, defining yourself through a handful of stories. You’re going to have to see what happens before you can write the end of the story.
Odd Shaped Candle of the Month 7
how babies are made
There once was a land made of wax. Those who went there could never get back. Once you entered the land Down you went, like quicksand. So you realize, the landscape quite lacked. There were rumors of children who grew In the wax land, though most doubt itâ€™s true. Just like Timothy Green From the ground they would spring From the souls of those trapped in the goo. Though I doubted the tale long ago, Now I question what once I did know. For I entered the land And went down, like quicksand, But this poem I write from below...
Catch-22 “forcing us to judge them not only by their cover, but by what stamp of approval adorns it”
In 1969, at the age of thirty-two, John Kennedy Toole tragically killed himself, leaving behind a carbon copy manuscript of A Confederacy of Dunces. So how did this little unpublished manuscript wind up a New York Times Best Seller and winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction? How does any book garner this kind of praise? And to which praise am I referring? It certainly seems to be a rarity to find a book that is capable of wowing both a wide audience and the literary critics. You could walk into any major bookstore over the past seven years and immediately trip over the Twilight books as soon as you step in the door, but what does that really mean? Surely it means that people are buying them, but so what? Is the ultimate goal of writers and publishers to sell millions of copies? Maybe that is where the disconnect occurs. The aims of the author and the publisher often greatly differ; they both have different things at stake. The publishers/editors job should be to bring the author’s message to the largest possible audience. We all want good books to spread as far and wide as humanly possible, so that everyone everywhere can read the life-changing material that we already love so dearly. Many authors, such as Toni
Morrison, see very few book sales until their work is commandeered by someone powerful, someone who people listen to: like Oprah Winfrey. Oprah’s Book Club was a segment on her talk show that showcased new books that Oprah had selected. The Book Club was criticized for not being ‘literary’ enough (whatever that means) and because it always showcased books that were heart-warming, inspirational and therapeutic, when literature was supposed to be challenging, and disturbing. Well, whatever literature is supposed to be, one thing is certain. Oprah helped sell a lot of books. And by my watch, that’s a damn good thing. A Confederacy of Dunces was published 11 years after the author’s suicide, thanks greatly in part to the persistence of his mother, who pushed publishers to read her son’s novel, eventually getting the manuscript into the hands of Walker Percy, a professor at Loyola University New Orleans, who in the forward to the novel describes the process of discovering its greatness. “There was no getting out of it; only one hope remained—that I could read a few pages and that they would be bad enough for me, in good conscience, to read no farther. Usually I can do just that. Indeed the first paragraph often suffices. My only fear was that this one
might not be bad enough, or might be just good enough, so that I would have to keep reading. In this case I read on. And on. First with the sinking feeling that it was not bad enough to quit, then with a prickle of interest, then a growing excitement, and finally an incredulity: surely it was not possible that it was so good.” There are more books published every day than there ever has been before, ever. And this is a good thing. It just means that we need to look a bit harder to find the good stuff. So where do we look? For The New York Times seal of approval of course! *sigh* But seriously, there are millions of books to choose from, forcing us to judge them not only by their cover, but by what stamp of approval adorns it. This prize winner, or that prize finalist, no matter how you pick ‘em, I guess the important thing is that you do pick them. Books that is. I’m not going to sit here and judge you for reading The Hunger Games or light and fluffy kittylit. It won’t hurt you (though 50 Shades of Grey might). But if you aren’t at least somewhat well-versed in the classics, beware! this might be your ‘gap’: that one thing that is holding you back from greatness. I am not trying to be a h8er, I merely want to root for the little guy.
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Green Eggs + Ham An updated version of Sam’s green eggs and ham that requires no food dye and provides lots of room for creativity. Easily enjoyed as breakfast, lunch or dinner. Serves two (or one really hungry). Joanna Harkins
What you’ll need: -Four eggs -Half an avocado, cut into small cube-like pieces -1-2 cups spinach, depending on how much you want. Remember, spinach shrinks like crazy when you cook it. -Ham: You have a lot of options: regular ham, prosciutto if you’re feeling fancy, or my personal favorite, bacon, which is what we’ve used here. Use as much or as little as your heart desires. -1/2 tablespoon butter -1 tablespoon milk -A few dashes of water for wilting the spinach. -Salt, pepper and thyme to taste.
Directions: 1. Fry your bacon before you start on the eggs. Place aside. 2. Wilt the spinach by putting it in a pan with some water and covering. Place aside. 3. Combine eggs, avocado, wilted spinach, bacon, milk, salt, pepper and thyme in a bowl. 4. Melt butter over medium heat and pour in your green eggs and ham. Scramble if you want it scrambled, or cook evenly on either side if you prefer an omelette. 5. Enjoy with some bread and/ or Dr. Seuss books.
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A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
An important aspect of creativity is motion. Motion might actually be the most important aspect of creativity. Writers, musicians, and other artists all thrive on their reoccurring abilities. One hit wonders are just that. One flavor wonders also, don’t last. Every great artist has had a period of change and evolution. We can walk backwards through the years and find our most revered and loved artists are men and women who could adapt, evolve and seek inspiration from any number of sources, bringing about the creation of the most beautiful and special pieces of art in the world. There is a common sense among them though: the driving sense of hunger. A creative mind, I submit, needs to be stimulated. A hungry mind doesn’t decay like a hungry body does; it thrives. The peril of the mind then, is when we over stuff it. The mind sits at the cornucopia of information, with a loosened belt and a greasy t-shirt. When the creative mind is in this state, it flattens out; it can affect no change or evolution, and
“a fat college kid geeking out”
stagnates, creating nothing. Over the past few months I have been reading, watching, listening, and viewing more art than I ever have at any one time. It is always good to find inspiration in other art forms, but I submit that the creative mind can be drowned. Now the image I’m sure that’s concocted in your mind is that of a fat college kid geeking out not doing any work and accomplishing nothing. That is absolutely true. The other part of my finals-week-inspired-experimentof-procrastination is that I haven’t been finishing anything. I get half way through a book and I begin another, I move two seasons through a television series and I start something else. I went to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, where I live for six months out of the year. I took a small tour relating all the works that shared religious value and symbols, but I brought my iPod and learned very little about anything. It doesn’t take a scientist to figure out what happens when there is all input
and no output. Like a plastic balloon, I must have a limit. It has been taking its toll, as I rarely feel like doing anything- I’ve become moody and reclusive. I have picked up a bit of an obsession with driving though; I put on an album and will drive around until it is done. This has become a very important ritual in the last months being back at home in northern Virginia; undergoing this very important and scientific study. It is too easy in 2012, to romanticize. I’ve talked to people that quite literally would prefer to be in a book than in real life. Real life; it is as if this incredible world isn’t enough for them. They can’t see the magic that already clearly exists, and I think something like reading a book is magical in itself. The idea that some university graduate who married a Portuguese man and had a daughter and then divorced said Portuguese man and then moved back to the U.K. and was jobless and desperate to keep her daughter and herself fed and every now and then would
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after contracting several different trench diseases in the first World War and as he was moved from hospital to hospital back on the home front. The stresses of war and of his debilitating sickness and the long separation from his wife brought about the need to put something out. The intake of emotions and fear and grief called for a pinhole in the balloon so as not to burst. His time in university reading literary criticisms and working on the Oxford English Dictionary could never have inspired anything as massive and detailed as his creation of the Lord of the Rings; he was taking in too much material.
I’m not saying you should get a divorce or trench-foot. These are extreme examples of my very small and specific point. Don’t get bogged down, take a second, look at your life, and ask yourself if you need some time away. I don’t want to mean only from technology, you can go into the woods for a month and camp and come out with a great book, sure, but I think in 2012 a great creative mind will be able to fend off the day to day urge to take in rather than to put out. The creative output is crucial to all of human society. If nobody is willing to put the blinders on and create, what are the rest of us fat college kids going to geek out about?
scribble a few notes about some kid named Harry she made up in between visiting her mother in the hospital and making sure her daughter was healthy and then giving said scribbles to 13 different publishers, 12 of which rejected her, and going on to write a seven book series that has become the best-selling book series in history is pretty magical. Miss Rowling is a prime example of a starved creative mind; she wasn’t reading books in parks, she was stressing out. Maybe then, it’s not about how much or how little you’re taking in- it’s what you’re going through. Tolkien first started writing of Middle Earth
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Drinking Coffee Elsewhere
A few of inconnu’s favorite places to eat around NYC
Il Colosseo: Bensonhurst There are a lot of Italian restaurants in New York. This one is one of the best simply because it’s far enough from the center of town that the staff cares more about taking care of its customers than doing more covers than the place next door. Very family and community oriented, I’ve seen several of the same people there the handful of times I’ve gone. You get complimentary bruschetta as soon as you sit down and the breadbasket comes soon after. Service is excellent, you never find yourself having to fill your own wine glass. The menu is full of classic Italian fare including fresh seafood and meats and a full page of personal pizza options. The best part, however, is the mix and match system they have for pasta where you can choose whatever combination of pasta and sauce you want. Do or Dine: Bed-Stuy Justin Warner, twitter funny guy and Next Food Network Star, owns a chill little joint in the ethnic Brooklyn neighbourhood of Bed-Stuy. And it’s just his style. The very streets that Biggie and Jay-Z roamed now have a laidback gourmet establishment to dine at as a result of the 2000s gentrification of the neighborhood.. Mr. Warner serves up an amazing chicken and waffles, using a whole braised chicken thigh. But his piece-de-resistance is the foie gras doughnut: warm, delicate and just goose-livery enough.
Do or Dine’s famous foie gras doughnut
Sanctuary T : Soho Sanctuary T prides itself not only on its wide selection of teas, but also on the fact that they use their teas in flavoring their food. Instead of salt and pepper on the table you’ll find what they call “T Dust” which are various powders made from tea meant to mimic flavors like chipotle and tzatziki. The truffled mac and cheese is seriously indulgent and perfect for sharing. Great service and relaxing environment, perfect for groups.
“T-Dust” at Sanctuary T in Soho
Café Orlin: East Village A favorite among the brunch crowd,
get there early because by noon there is a line out the door and they don’t take reservations. Middle Eastern influenced, their Eggs Benedict is equally as satisfying as their Malawach. Outside seating along St. Marks provides for excellent people watching. Brunch specials run for $14.50 and include fresh orange juice and coffee or tea, so you could do a lot worse price wise. Also, they serve brunch until 4 pm so your hangover really can’t be an excuse anymore.
The charming exterior of Cafe Orlin
Sunburst Espresso Bar: Gramercy I was honestly surprised by how good their blubbery pancakes are, you can tell they’re made from scratch. That and the free coffee with breakfast before 11:30 are my favorite things about this place. For what looks like just a cozy little coffee shop on the outside, they have really extensive breakfast, lunch, and smoothie menus. Reasonably priced considering the neighborhood, and they deliver! Show up with your laptop and they won’t chase you out.
Lolita and the
Poetry: Dave Shaw
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RT “Gr8 Xpections” Hannah Bellamy
that I have ever read, that I have made an attempt to understand, I did not react to somehow. So that is something. These reactions and their varying and sometimes unexpected entrances as I read is something else that fascinates me. As an English major, I read a lot and I inevitably have to write an essay at the end of the semester. When I have read six novels and many more corresponding articles in the last three months for a class, where do I even begin to make one argument in a few thousand words? I go back and look at all the places I’ve underlined, starred, or annotated. My reactions are evident in my texts and they are interlaced with reactions from other students and professors. On twitter, I have come across an account I think considers and encapsulates these reactions best. It also seems to transcend the aforementioned professional and nonprofessional gap of criticism. New York Magazine critic Sam Anderson has an account for, as he states in his limited one hundred and sixty characters bio, tweeting the best sentence he reads every day. In expanding his tweets, the function on twitter that allows us to see the time, date, and sometimes
location details of a tweet, I am shown that a generous amount of his tweets are via his iPhone. If they are not via his phone then they are via the web, the details show me. So I am imagining Anderson standing in an elevator quickly typing out, between the tenth and ground floors, a sentence from Junot Díaz’s “The Pura Principle” that he read earlier. Or his tweets are from the web and it seems he has just finished reading a piece by Kathryn Schulz. In parenthesis following this sentence he has mentioned Schulz’s twitter account and provided a bitly link to the piece. Of course, these are just possibilities my own curious and professionally envious mind thinks of as I scroll through his twitter feed. What I am getting at is whether he is out somewhere or before his computer with several tabs open on his browser, we get to see Anderson’s reactions to literature unfold every day. As a professional critic and, most essentially, as a reader he reacts somehow to what he reads daily. Although twitter is too limiting of a medium for him to explain himself beyond the sentence and the source, that moment of reaction is fully evident through his anthology of tweets.
Criticism is the profession I have most fawned over during the first few years of my undergraduate degree. I like to tell myself that criticism has not lost the influence it held in periods past. The New York Times Book Review has not shrunk, in contrast to despondent statements that British papers seem to devote less and less space to book reviews. Ours is a period that allows anyone to be a critic on their twitter or tumblr, though. What does this mean for the critics who constitute the professional realm of criticism; the critics who are paid to write about the aesthetic, cultural, and moral implications of their subjects? And where do these critics fit into the realm of twitter and other social media? As I understand it, reaction is the crux of criticism. When I detach reaction from the rest of criticism it seems to me this is something we all do as people. We react. That seems really obvious now that I have typed it out but it also seems so true that it is worth typing out. Where we are approaching our subjects from and how we represent our reactions to our subjects are important to the larger discipline of criticism. However, I truly cannot think of a piece of literature
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Call of the Wild “be willing to explore other dimensions and realities”
The mystical realms of the spirit animal invite humanity to reevaluate the seemingly disconnected relationship between mankind and other organisms in our natural world. Pagan traditions especially the religious practices of Native Americans, utilized shamanic channels to invoke animal spirits through altered states of consciousness. The shaman or enlightened one would beseech the presence of an animal guide to assist the seeker in whatever context aid was needed. Animals appear to us in everyday life yet few really ponder if there is a certain reason for their exhibitions. Animals can appear as a means to convey a specific message to you about a situation that you’re experiencing, or you can actively call upon them for assistance. Such a scenario had happened to me upon my return to the United States from Europe. I found that I had harbored a restless feeling when I had settled back at home and needed to explore different avenues in which to fulfill my goals. I began to meditate consecutively over a period of a week with the help of a fundamental resource, Animal Spirit Guides, by Steven D. Farmer, Ph.D. I found within a matter of days that I was definitely being summoned by the butterflies. I’d see them EVERYWHERE! Whenever I walked outside, they would be flying in my presence. Friends would “coincidentally” bring them up in conversation yet I hadn’t
mentioned anything about my spiritual endeavors. I even began to draw one on a sketch pad and later happened upon its image in books and art without intending to. One night, a favorite author of mine even posted pictures of butterflies on Facebook and I could not believe the pervasiveness of this animal. I decided to look up its meaning and this is what I found: “Get ready for a big change, one where an old habit, way of thinking or lifestyle is going out, and a new way of being is emerging. It’s time to make the changes you’ve been considering. In spite of the challenges, you’ll get through this transition and as always, know that ‘this too shall pass’.” It just seemed to fit pretty perfectly with everything that I had been experiencing and feeling. Yes, some people may say that it is indeed just random and incidental, but our affinity with nature is undeniable. We are ourselves animals. “We only need to pause for a few moments and feel our heart beating; notice our breathing and our movements; and consider that we eat, sleep, eliminate, and procreate in the same basic manner as nearly all other animal beings.” Some other spirit animals I have encountered include the following: Deer - You’ve been involved in some aggressive, negative circumstances and need to seek out sage, nurturing situations and people. More than ever you need to trust your gut instinct. You’re
poised for an enticing adventure, one that will take you down many different path and lead to many important insights. Be gentle with yourself and others. Spider - This is an opportunity to access your deepest wisdom and assimilate it so that it becomes part of your daily living. Beware of any potential traps or ruses that you’re tempted to get involved in. Rather than staying stuck in this apparent impasse, open your mind to the infinite number of possibilities that are before you, and make a choice. Don’t limit yourself to the mundane world, but instead be willing to explore other dimensions and realities. It’s time to write creatively without limits of tradition or habit, allowing yourself to be inspired by Nature. Cardinal Someone needs your compassionate and loving attention and has flagged you down to get it. Stop right where you are, observe your surroundings, then notice the sensations in your body. This is a very creative time, one where it’s best to heed your intuitive guidance as to how to express this creativity. Add color to your life in home environment, your yard, and in your choices of clothing. This is a good time to make a fresh exploration of the religion you grew up in, with your eyes and heart open.
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Dreams From My Father “she was a pacifist and was kind and never married”
These are the books my father read to me: The Wonderful Wizard of Oz and all thirteen books that came after it. A whole world beyond the Tin Man and a pair of shoes. Perhaps unknowingly, he gifted to me my first real “female role model” because role models were things I believed in then. And as far as role models go, you can do no better than the genderbending badass Princess Ozma of OZ. She had a wand and never aged and was descended from a long line of fairy queens. She was a pacifist and was kind and never married. I’d like to think that Dorothy and Ozma found each other again and did the happily ever after true love thing somewhere far off in Winkie country. That she and Dorothy adopted some lovely little fairy children and lived out their lives in peace. The majority of stories published in The Complete Sherlock
Holmes. All those big, old words. I learned them all. I liked the words and the oldness and the weight of London. And there is something me merizing about that character. These stories are about brilliance, formula, method. I’m not one for “science,” but the formulas in these stories were captivating to me. There’s nothing much driving them except the puzzle of it all. The last one was a bit odd. My father read to me a few of Salinger’s Nine Stories. The one that stuck, though, was “The Laughing Man.” It’s about as late ‘40s male-focused Salinger you can get. A story about a boy scout like troupe and their storytelling, fearless NYU-law-student leader who turned out to have a couple fears in the form of an ambiguously pregnant Wellesley girlfriend named (what else?) Mary. So no, this particular story did not teach me about freedom and feminism and girl power and truth
beauty love death. Well, it had some beauty and a lot of love truth. And actually a touch of death thrown in as well. This was a story that taught stories. Against Salinger’s palpable landscape of upper middle class Manhattan, these boys and their leader spun the most amazing lies. The story the law student leader told was one of classic male heroism and death defiance and bravery. Male heroism, for sure. But man they all believed in it. And so did I.
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz L. Frank Baum (1900)
The Complete Sherlock Holmes Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1986)
Nine Stories J.D. Salinger (1953)
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Eat, Pray, Love Exploring the foods and traditions of NY’s Little Italy during the Feast of San Gennaro
Where most of Little Italy has been taken over by surrounding Chinatown, Mulberry Street remains. Typically, on weekends during the summer, Mulberry is closed to traffic between Canal and Broome Streets. Tourists can walk freely along the pedestrian walkway by the various restaurants, bakeries, and souvenir shops. The singing waiters and overhead lights that mark your entrance into Little Italy are quaint, but have become very much a tourist trap. Each restaurant claims to be the most authentically Italian, and have hosts standing on the street attempting to lure you into their respective establishments. Despite all that, a tradition remains. Every year since 1926, for eleven days during the latter half of September, Mulberry Street explodes with a celebration of the Feast of San Gennaro. What started out as a religious celebration by Italian immigrants to honor the patron saint of Naples has turned into a lively display of Italian-American life. The tradition of San Gennaro
reminds us of the very real history of Italian culture in New York that can sometimes be lost among the “Kiss Me
I’m Italian” t-shirts and “I Love New York” key-chains. One vendor who was
selling hundreds of adorable handmade magnets in the shape of various foods told me he had been working San Genarro for twenty years. Dominic, a young man who sold me an Italian sausage with peppers explained his experience, “I’ve been working at the festival for three years… My favorite part is the tradition of it all, pretty much all of the people working in the stands are related. And it’s such a historic part of the city, especially as an Italian American”. If you walk the entire length of Mulberry Street, you encounter every kind of Italian food imaginable: cannoli, lasagna, zeppole, pasta, gelato, sweet and spicy sausage, fried clams…it’s called the “feast of all feasts” for a reason. Every once in a while there pops up a vendor who’s selling something that’s obviously not Italian: some pierogi here, a gyro or shish kebab over there. Once I even saw something called a “mozzarepa” which looked exactly like it sounds: like an arepa stuffed with mozzarella
nutritious and delicious
cheese. You can also find your fair share of classic American fair foods: funnel cakes, burgers, corndogs and fried twinkies. In fact, there’s very much a fair-like atmosphere on top of all of the Italian being thrown around. There are plenty of fair games that claim to be “Just like Coney Island!” where you can win giant stuffed bears or bananas with dreadlocks (because what says Little Italy more than that?). You can’t help but notice the inevitable change that’s happening. That aspect of change reflected in San Gennaro is exactly why it’s important to keep around, so that even if the city changes around it, we can remember the history of Little Italy.
“Every year since 1926, for eleven days during the latter half of September, Mulberry Street explodes with a celebration of the Feast of San Gennaro.”
Postcards from: Amalfi, Italy
50 Shades of Grey photography: Taryn Goodwin
modeling: Chelsea Brennan (opposite) and Fiona Thomson
Photography: Winston Alfred-Hamburg Creative Direction: Kellie Hogan
Thanks to Ana Tomita Rodriguez, Brynn Opsahl and Brianna Bohnett for modeling
One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish James Kennedy’s The Order of Odd Fish will make you literally LOL Taylor Brogan
crazy hair, bug eyes from lack of sleep, sprinkled with lots of fast hand-talking and obscure in-jokes. He told me about his favorite authors growing up, and I was unsurprised to hear Roald Dahl, Isaac Asimov, Ray Bradbury, and George Orwell listed among them. Because James Kennedy isn’t really a Young Adult author. Sure, his protagonist is a child, but the universe that surrounds her is as dark and as serious and as desperate as it can be. The story follows Jo and company to the fantastic and otherworldly Eldritch City. I hesitate now to make comparisons to Harry Potter’s Diagon Alley, but if any present-day work of fiction is worthy of that comparisson, let it be this one. The city is home to a number of Orders, including the Order of Odd-Fish, which is a society more or less dedicated to the collection of dubious information, questionable formulas, baseless hypotheses, etc. The Order itself is preposterous, and the characters who populate it are nothing short of flamboyant. It was truly thrilling to read as Jo adventured with her friends in the Odd-Fish Lodge and discovered the truth behind her “dangerous” past. As the story progresses, Jo and company also discover that their designated antagonist, Ken Kiang, isn’t as terrible as he would like to be. They
find that something much more terrifying than they could ever have imagined is responsible for all the bad that has happened. The bizarre and captivating villain, the “Belgian Prankster” is perhaps Kennedy’s biggest accomplishment; he is as gleefully chaotic and disruptive as The Joker, but the lengths to which he will go for a good prank are unfathomable. Kennedy claims to have modeled his Prankster on the real life “whimsical celebrity terroist” Noel Godin, who rose to fame in 1997 after smashing a cream pie in Bill Gates’s face. Of course, the Belgian Prankster is capable of much worse than a celebrity cream-pie. One time he turned the Eiffel Tower upside down. Just because. I guess some men just want to watch the world burn... It’s exciting, heart-wrenching, terrifying, and literally ‘laugh-outloud’ hilarious. So do yourself a favor, put down this magazine and go buy it on Amazon. And keep your eye on James Kennedy’s career. Last I heard, he was working on another book for Random House about an interplanetary olympics, and it sounded AWESOME ;)
I was on my lunch break, and thank God for it. At least the ugly snorting sound that escaped without my permission wasn’t accompanied by milk shooting out of my nose. I was just sitting there in the cafeteria at work, laughing uncontrollably and out loud. I’m talking about your new favorite book, James Kennedy’s masterpiece of the absurd, The Order of Odd-Fish. It follows Jo Larouche, an eleven-year-old girl labled “dangerous” as a baby and wise-beyond-her-years in her tweenagerie. Jo, along with her Aunt Lily (Betty White on acid), Colonel Korsakov (a Russian who talks to his digestion) and Sefino (a talking cockroach) embark on a colorful and bizarre journey to escape the wrath of Ken Kiang—a Chinese millionaire on a mission to be Evil. While its humor is the same brand of absurd as many of his wacky influences, don’t write off Kennedy as a Douglass Adams wannabe or a Neil Gaiman copycat; Kennedy is the real deal, and though the influences of a Monty Python-rich childhood are apparent, there is something so distinct about Kennedy’s style, it’s hard to adequately describe. I got to hang out with the author in a Chicago cafe last January, and the only adjective I can conceive of to describe him now is “writery:”
the book issue
The Rory gilmore book club
We all know Rory Gilmore’s booklist by heart to make up for the fact that we could never possibly read as much as she did. (Who among us, has picked up The Portable Dorothy Parker, only to gaze in awe at the mere size of it before sadly returning it to its shelf with defeat? If you’re shaking your head, you’re either a liar, or someone I don’t want to be friends with.) So instead, here’s the scenario: Rory Gilmore, in a bold and commendable attempt to unite the Fictional Universes of Hollywood, has decided to start a bookclub. She’s the president, obviously, because she’s perfect and she pretty much ends up president of everything. (I have a theory that when she went on the campaign trail to cover Obama’s first election, they asked her to run in his place and she won because this is my fantasy and we’re all just living in it.) But what about all of our other fictional best friends, imagined role models, and fantasy men? What books will they suggest when it’s their turn? What books have they highlighted and dog-eared and curled beneath their unreal fingers?
the book issue
Jason Dean (Heathers) A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
Leslie Knope (Parks & Recreation) Bossypants by Tina Fey
Ron Swanson (Parks & Recreations) The Bacon Cookbook by James Villas*
Detective Elliot Stabler (Law & Order: SVU) To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Detective Olivia Benson (Law & Order: SVU) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson 41
Mother Gothel (Tangled) The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
Dwight Schrute (The Office) Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith
Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl) Emma by Jane Austen
Angela Chase (My So-Called Life) The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
Steve Rogers, aka Captain America (The Avengers) The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
*Turned down by Rory on the grounds that it is not a work of fiction.
staff picks Taylor Contributing Editor + Webmaster Celebrity Counterpart: Kat Dennings
1. Hamlet by William Shakespeare 2. Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger 3. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera 4. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen 5. The Order of Odd Fish by James Kennedy 6. Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling 7. As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner 8. Warlock by Oakley Hall 9. Angel: After the Fall by Brian Lynch and Joss Whedon 10. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath 11. Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman 12. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway 13. Please Kill Me by Legs McNeil 14. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote 15. Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen
Kellie Creative Director Celebrity Counterpart: Elle Fanning 1. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov 2. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues by Tom Robbins 3. Play ItAs It Lays by Joan Didion 4. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath 5. Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll 6. Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut 7. Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger 8. Beaches by Iris Rainer Hart 9. Mao II by Don DeLillo 10. The Awakening by Kate Chopin 11. Hamlet by William Shakespeare 12. Seize the Day by Saul Bellow 13. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Marukami 14. Matilda by Roald Dahl 15. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard
Jo an na
Joanna Editor-in-Chief Celebrity Counterpart: Taylor Swift
1. The Awakening by Kate Chopin 2. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway 3. Medium Raw by Anthony Bourdain 4. Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain 5. Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerney 6. Devil in the Kitchen by Marco Pierre White 7. Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger 8. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald 9. Memories of My Melancholy Whores by Gabriel García Márquez 10. Huis Clos by Jean-Paul Sartre 11. Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger 12. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne 13. The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare 14. The Letters of Abelard and Heloise by Peter Abelard 15. Tastes of Paradise: A Social History of Spices, Stimulants, and Intoxicants by Wolfgang Schivelbusch
the book issue
Illustration: Grace Miceli
the book issue
Castaway here’s hoping the movie version of your favorite book gets well cast Alejandra Buitrago
the loyal readers. The author is important to consider in moments like this. See, they have battled with word choice, narrative style, and even hair color for years and whilst their book is “optioned” for filming, odds are that they see most of their creative work swirl down the drain. Author John Green, on the subject of his own novels being optioned, aptly stated, “Trying to render the people and events of a novel on screen is impossible, I think, because you’ll only end up with some poor approximation of the magic of the book.” The author is sometimes lucky, however; J.K. Rowling aided in the adaptation of her much beloved Harry Potter series, which in the wrong hands could have had the same ghastly result as The Twilight Saga. Loyal fans of classic literature are most often disappointed, usually due to the time constraints of major motion pictures. However, in the adaptation of novels such as Atonement and Jane Eyre, critics and audiences alike were pleasantly surprised by the film’s loyalty to the original work. Even projects of major movie studios can sometimes be triumphant with popular best-selling novels, for example, the first installment of The Hunger Games Trilogy. But alas, for every victory the reading community has, there are most likely hundreds of losses. Some might argue that the adaptation of novels into films is just Hollywood becoming lazy. Is it lack of creativity or conversely, could it be a
tribute to the art of literature, which seems to fading in glory as of late? Book sales, both online and in stores, skyrocket at the announcement of a film being made in its honor. It becomes impossible to find a novel two months before the anticipated release of its film version, which could be considered a resounding victory for the reading community, because at least audiences will have read the work before shelling out twelve dollars to see it in 3D. Propose that you have read, and loved, the book and then watched the film; your first instinct is to point out the discrepancies. Should that even be allowed? Is it fair to compare divergent forms of storytelling? The answer is that while it is our instinct to pounce, critique, and compare, we should appreciate the difficulties of adapting a book into a coherent film. There is exceeding pressure from the producers, the cast, the writers, and the director to recreate the essence of what people loved to read within a reasonable budget and timeframe. Some cases are better than others, but the same complexities plague every set of an adapted film. In the end, movies are meant to immerse you in distant worlds and situations just as books are; sometimes the screenwriter’s image fails to replicate yours, but that does not make it any less valid or less inspired in the grand scheme of it all.
For most, reading is a requirement and reading for pleasure is often left by the wayside as distractions arise. But for a great deal of people, reading consumes us body and soul and to read is to immerse ourselves in others’ lives and adventures. A big part of this immersion is our own secret and ultrapersonal collaboration with the author. While the author depicts with words, the reader incorporates the written word and creates a visual playing field for the goings-on of the plot. This is primarily why audiences tend to be outraged when they discover their favorite book or series is to be adapted for the screen. It may seem like a win-winwin situation, but adaptation is a fickle business, especially when a work of classic literature is involved. The authors in these cases are unable to defend or protest against the casting of Kristen Stewart as Hamlet or some other such horrifying concoction someone in Hollywood decided would be “a fun twist.” Big Hollywood studios tend to spice up projects, even for the most current novels, to satisfy producers or even the cast themselves. One thing we all fear is the overexposure of our favorite books. Oh, the bittersweet horror of knowing your favorite book will be made into a film starring someone so utterly incapable of acting! But there is a mantra I repeat, “If this fails me, I can at least retreat to my room and revisit what I didn’t find satisfying.” The last people that are taken into account, much to our dismay, are
“Everything intelligent is so boring.”
Anna Karenina Chanel Resort 2013, Tiffany earrings, Bombay Sapphire Gin, Perrier with lime, Chanel bocce ball set, and The O.C Season 2, because everyone knows it’s the best season, and that Anna would totally watch it.
the book issue
10 Things with
Paul Baribeau We asked Michagan folk-punk act Paul Baribeau to give us the 10 books he wants to read before he dies, as he declares in his song “Ten Things”. This is what he gave us. 1. Middlemarch - George Eliot Started reading this book over a year ago. The book is 896 pages long and I am 724 pages in. The cover fell off months ago. Really feels like I might be on my deathbed trying to finish it.
ryh. There are 27 books that take place in this universe. I’ve read one other called Pride of Chanur (great book). So I’m picking Downbelow Station as one of the my ten but what I mean is I would like to read all 27. They are kind of hard to find. Hard to find the right covers anyway. Got to have the paperbacks with the cool covers. Also, C.J. Cherryh has an asteroid named after her.
3. Gravity’s Rainbow Thomas Pynchon There is no possible way that I will ever read this Paul playing a house show in Washington, D.C. book. Just not going to 5. ever happen. However, if I’m making a Bleak House - Charles Dickens list of books I would like to read, this This book is sitting next to my bed. makes the cut. I would like to have One week ago I read the first 14 pages. somehow magically been able to have It is enormous. Maybe I should just at some point in my life read this book worry about finishing Middlemarch. without actually having to read it. I did get about 70 pages in. 6. Carrion Comfort - Dan Simmons Dan Simmons is one of my favorite 4. Downbelow Station - C.J. Cherryh writers. The books are really good, This book is a part of the Alliancebut what he does best is gross me out. Union Universe created by C.J. CherNever has an author made me want to
7. The Hainish Cycle - Ursula K. LeGuin This is not just one book but a series of books that all connect together. I’ve read three of these books and loved them. Ursula K. LeGuin was the first real science fiction I ever read. Here is the list of Hainish Cycle books: The Dispossessed, The Word for World is Forest, Rocannon’s World, Planet of Exile, City of Illusions, The Left Hand of Darkness, and The Telling. 8. Red Mars, Green Mars, Blue Mars (Mars Trilogy) - Kim Stanley Robinson Three science fiction books about people living on and terraforming the planet Mars. I’m attracted to trilogies. 9. The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency - Alexander McCall Smith There are 13 books in this series(far as I can tell) and I don’t know anything about any of them. They look like real nice books. 10. Ghost Story - Peter Straub Reading this book right now. I don’t like it very much but I started reading it and plan to finish. So, it makes the list.
2. Andy Warhol Diaries - Andy Warhol Andy Warhol is one of my biggest inspirations. This book is really big, the size of it I mean, so I can’t carry it around and read it. Too big to just have it with you. That is the main problem I have with reading this book.
puke so much. In a good way.
Girl, Interrupted Chicago-based feminist/writer and all-around ‘Awesome Internet Girl 2012’
I sneezed, bought an orange on her nightstand, Dear Jenny, We juice and almond croissant, and felt in- Are All Find, a collection of poems stantly better. I was on my way to meet about sexuality and Asian-American with Jamie Keiles in her Hyde Park identity that Jamie raved about, despite apartment, and was killing time since not normally reading a lot of poetry. I didn’t want to be that asshole that’s This book is an exception because of early for a 9am interview. Lucky for me, the University of Chicago campus on a warm May morning is a lovely place to mosey around. Inside the small apartment that Jamie shares with a friend, I find the 20-year old student frantically dressing and assembling herself for the day. On her dresser there is some perfume, a copy of the New Keiles lounging in her bedroom. Yorker, and nice the themes and of course the shoes that she refers to as the “thoucoolness of the book’s author, friend sands of dollars worth of capitalist and fellow Rookie writer, Jenny Zhang, bullshit designer footwear upon which whom she saw perform stand-up in I locate my emotions.” There is a book Chicago.
Jamie has been active in sociology and gender-issues since high school, blogging at teenagerie.com and working on The Seventeen Magazine Project. In 2011, she spoke at SlutWalk Chicago, a global movement aimed at ending sexual assault by educating against intolerance, and the myth of “victim blaming”. She remembers when she first started identifying as a feminist, down to the very day. She was being shamed for acting ‘slutty’ by her high school classmates, causing her to dramatically rush off to a bookstore and buy all the feminist literature she could get her hands on. Ms. Keiles was scooped up by Rookie Editor-in-Chief, Tavi Gevinson, as one of many smart, young, feminists who would become the
“thousands of dollars worth of capitalist bullshit designer footwear”, New Yorker, Dear Jenny, We Are All Find, perfume, and knickknacks.
“I don’t want to write a book that ends up for sale at Urban Outfitters.”
getting up and writing. She emphasizes the importance of rules, constraints and discipline, as the source of her creativity. “Freespiritedness is shit,” Keiles quips, “you have to be serious and regimented to get it to actually start to flow.” “I have a lot of vague aspirations of books I’d like to write, from a personal narrative of the desert [she’s infatuated
A collection of old family photos, vintage postcards, and a zine given to her by Tavi.
with Death Valley] – to the draft dodgers.” Since we last spoke, Ms. Keiles has stopped working for Rookie, and has taken off for Europe (with only one gigantic backpack) to do some traveling before studying in Paris starting in January. She’s excited to be starting a new chapter in her life, and to get working on some new projects. Maybe she’ll climb a mountain, maybe she’ll start a non-profit, maybe she’ll finally write a book about living in the desert, like she’s always wanted. There’s no question that whatever she does next, I’ll be watching.
Jamie recommends: Soup and Bread Cookbook Martha Bayne Each section begins with an essay: soup as a political statement, as performance art, or as a way to build community. Living Raw Food Sarma Melngailis Recipes that I like from the lady who brought you OneLuckyDuck.com and Pure Food and Wine restaurant in New York. The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao Junot Diaz Weetzie Bat Francesca Lia Block Middlesex, and The Virgin Suicides Jeffrey Eugenides Malcolm Gladwell This is pretty much all I read in high school. Lucy Jamaica Kincaid This book should be made into a movie.
contributors to the amazing website for teen girls (or whomever, really). On the subject of Rookie, Jamie had only a few words, “part of me thinks that Tavi would be just as successful if she was doing this when she was 40,” she said. But I disagree. I think part of Miss Gevinson’s success lies in the fact that she is able to bridge the gap between teen and adult. She writes comically, eloquently and in full sentences, about glitter, 90s TV shows, and losing your virginity. I don’t think a 40-year-old would be quite as successful doing all that as the mastermind of a teen webmagazine.
“I definitely resent the part of the writing career that is selling yourself, and being marketable,” Jamie said, as she collected her thoughts. “I recently applied for a grant to write a collection of short stories loosely based on the phonebook.” When Jamie was in her senior year of high school she had a lit-agent and was in the process of selling a book. “I was trying to write a guide to media for kids/young adults,” she told me, “but I wasn’t smart enough. “I sort of resent having theorized publicly about things,” she continued. A precocious young Keiles was concerned that she would come off as another snarky young writer, or worse, a gimmick. “I don’t want to write a book that ends up for sale at Urban Outfitters.” Only now, she says, is she finally figuring out the routine of
“turn the music up in the headphones”
With the loud-fast mentality of the Ramones, the IDGAF swagger of a male-female Be Your Own Pet, and a dash of the chill low-fi vibey-ness of Wavves - SURFING walks the fine line between sound-alike and just original enough that I’ve been listening to them non-stop for the past three days. These kids are from Harrisonburg, Virginia, so I don’t actually know how much surfing they do, but I’ll buy it. If Lana Del Rey is instagram, SURFING is a disposable camera you dropped drunkenly in your grandma’s pool on the 4th of July. Harsh guitar riffs over hazy synth and sloppy but calculated vocals, make for for a wholly palatable roughness. Their EP Ingramz is a good showcase of their range, as well. Where “Dead Wave” has kind of a Dead Weather through a paper shredder thing going on (the guitar is SICK), “Hapathy” reminds me of Pavment’s “Price Yeah!” in that it’s impossibly loud and clumsy but I can still listen to it all the time? Either way, the EP is solid, and it definitely gets better every time I listen to it.
Photography: Paul D. Murphy
“turn the music up in the headphones”
“turn the music up in the headphones”
Top tracks: “moth,” “lungs,” “severed head,” and “marlboro man”
text: taylor brogan
Everything feels bad all at once — or that’s what Robert Mathis would have us believe. It’s the title of his debut solo album, and it makes me question whether happiness is really all it’s cracked up to be. I mean, life is pain, and Mathis (as “the human fly”) has maNaged to capitalize on that universal truth by turning a lifetime of apparent loneliness and making it sound like a low-fi wet dream. The 16-track album, which Mathis recorded on his laptop over 9 months, oscillates between angsty highs and melancholy lows, but the whole thing somehow manages to bypass the cliches and head straight for the gut. “Well I’d love to be a butterfly, but I was just a moth,” he sings on the album’s third track, and you really get the sense that this guy wanted to be a freaking butterfly, you know? This is not just the sort of album you can drive to; this is the sort of album you can write to. And Lord knows those are few anDfar between. The human fly marks something of a musical departure for Mathis. whose previous projects included inconnu’s designated favorite band ever, Chestpiece. Where the Harrisonburg, VA-based band was charismatic, human fly is understated. Deep vocals and minor chords are an unmistakable wave to Nirvana from the Bandcamp generation. But if nothing else remains constant throughout his work, it is that same sense of longing that prevails.
thehumanfly.bandcamp.com photo: tom wolff
Heaven and Hell by Gabby G’abby
Chelle was sitting in Simon’s apartment: low lighting, Indian food on the stove, three cats, Simon’s roommate, his friend from freshman year, and another couple. She wasn’t entirely sure if she and Simon were a couple. Chelle had accidently told Simon that she loved him via text message one night when she was feeling lonely and particularly depressed. The guy half of the other couple started talking to Chelle about some house party that his friend was throwing that night. The guy half of the other couple seemed more attractive than the girl half of the couple. This irritated Chelle. The guy half of the other couple was talking to Chelle about this party, heaven and hell themed, and when she absentmindedly agreed to attend this heaven and hell themed party, the guy half of the other couple shouted into the kitchen, to the guy half of her couple, “Hey, Simon! We convinced your girlfriend to come to the party! Looks like you’re going too!”
one else could hear over the music. Simon and his roommate were almost finished cooking and the guy half of the other couple started pull out a mason jar from his backpack. The clear mason jar was home to about an ounce of marijuana and some hash. The other couple, Simon, and Chelle walked outside through the glass sliding doors. They stood on a third-floor walk up balcony with a sagging lawn chair and a glass ashtray stuffed completely full with cigarette butts. Chelle took a hit through a front-loading pipe and looked toward Simon to blow the smoke past his face. “How was that?” Simon says intensely, with nervous inflection. “Perfect,” Chelle said. She looked away and thought, “It tastes like the way you should taste but you don’t and I hate you for it.” Chelle didn’t know what that meant but she thought it with a strange intensity that seemed to convince herself that it was a meaningful thing to think. Chelle felt hunger and what felt like vague and detached anger forming in her stomach.
They finished the bowl and as they walked back “Girlfriend. I guess I’m his girlfriend now,” Chelle through the sliding glass doors, back in from the said to small cat named Jane at a tone that no cold, back into the mood lighting and music, back
into the whatever, Simon kissed Chelle on the lips in a way that she perceived as fatherly. The kiss felt full of pride against her lips. Chelle felt like a party favor in Simon’s life and she resented him for it. Chelle kept feeling hate preemptively. She anticipated Simon’s actions and mentally categorized them as negative or unwanted before they occurred. “You love me so much and I hate you for it,” she thought against his lips. Simon had low and worried brows. Underneath his low and worried brows, cardigan, pretenses, constant need for self-affirmation, his eyes looked so sure of the fact that he wanted to swallow Chelle whole. If they ever could not see her his soul would be vacant, motel-room-empty. He would be scared. He would be more scared than when he looked at her. The three cats, Simon’s roommate, his friend from freshman year, and the other couple sat down around the low-lying coffee table, eating Indian food. They were getting fat off the music and the sound of their own voices as they talked the positives and negatives of being hyper self-aware. Chelle was cold, wrapped in a red blanket, and shoveling food into her mouth with every effort not to feel like the rice behind her lips was sand. She couldn’t swallow it. Chelle felt hungry and focused on eating. She found it very difficult to eat and think about anything else other than eating. While bringing grains of rice into her mouth she started to form words while
unaware that she was forming words. She rambled on about what it means to be post-everything and free in a free market. She felt herself stating with conviction and a mouth full of rice that humans are inherently good. She was looking at Simon when she said it, and as she became aware of this, her mouth felt dry. Chelle started talking to Simon’s friend from freshman year and couldn’t help but think he was cute. She couldn’t swallow it. Simon turned the conversation around to himself. This was the pattern for the rest of the evening. Through the lens of cigarette and marijuana smoke Chelle felt like I was watching a bad cable access show. Simon exclaimed, almost apologetically and proud simultaneously, about how he is arrogant. He waited in heavy silence for someone to refute him. Jane, the cat, walked across the low-lying table and everyone tracked her with their eyes but said nothing. Around 3 am, Simon drove Chelle back to her apartment. Everyone had forgotten about the heaven and hell themed party and Chelle did not want to spend the night at Simon’s apartment. She could still feel the hate for him sitting like a patient rock in her stomach. On the drive to Chelle’s apartment, Simon incessantly asked why Chelle didn’t want to spend the night. Chelle felt focused on staring at the pas-
senger side-view mirror and stayed silent. When they pulled up to Chelle’s apartment on Landrum Drive, Simon refused to unlock the doors until she answered his questions. They sat in silence for four minutes until Chelle yelled out into the January air that she just wasn’t sexually attracted to him. “Whenever I have your cock in my mouth it feels like I am doing Sunday chores,” Chelle said. Her voice was loud yet emotionless. Chelle looked at the words, the words that now hung in front of her face, and as she watched them move outwards, increasing the space between her and Simon, she felt relief from the pains in her stomach. Simon kept telling Chelle that he loved her and she just sat there like a blobfish at 300ft below sea level, waiting. Blobfish, due to the inaccessibility of their habitat, are rarely seen by humans. Chelle stared at Simon like he was just as foreign. Simon rammed his head against the steering wheel repeatedly, sobbing into himself. He took the words that Chelle let fall out into reality and held them in his hands, examined them. The words took the form of a blobfish and he felt the jellylike flesh in his hands. Simon couldn’t comprehend how someone wouldn’t want to fuck him and Chelle kept apologizing for not wanting to fuck him. The strange form of the blobfish sat and grew larger and larger between them until they were covered by it, suffocating. In between sobs Simon exclaimed, “This is not a manipulation tactic! I promise this is not a manipulation tactic!”
rottokid really is just a kid. He lives in Israel and makes Youtube videos that are a lot like his art: dark, disturbing and hilarious. Itâ€™s vlogging in 140 characters or less.
Pride, Prejudice & Adaption Ashley Clements (Lizzie Bennet), Mary Kate Wiles (Lydia Bennet), and Rachel Kiley (Writer) on The Lizzie Bennet Diaries
The Lizzie Bennet Diaries is the fictional video-blog of grad student Lizzie Bennet. Creators Hank Green and Bernie Su wanted to take Jane Austen’s quintessential heroine and show us all why she still matters. The show features a rich transmedia universe (all of the characters have twitter accounts) and some of the most talented actors this side of your computer screen. Spoiler alert: it’s really f$%&ing great.
Taylor Brogan: LBD is unlike any ver-
course I really love to see fans interacting directly with Lizzie. Transmedia is really hot right now, and you see a lot of big television shows and movies trying to jump onboard. I think The LBD is unique in that the entire experience is built around the web, and the transmedia aspects are meant to enhance the story experience, as opposed to create buzz about an upcoming project. I hope it’s something that inspires others to tell stories in interesting ways and utilize the web to create projects that might not otherwise get made.
Ashley Clements: I think it’s fantastic and so much fun. I didn’t make the decision to present the story this way, credit for that goes to Hank and Bernie, but I enjoy it as much as the fans. I love seeing conversations between Caroline and Darcy pop up in my twitter feed, to see Jane’s fashion blogs, and of
Mary Kate Wiles: I am so excited to be a part of something so innovative, unique, and well-executed. Before I got cast Bernie explained to me the whole concept of the twitter accounts and the transmedia universe they would build, and I was like, “yeah, cool, okay”, but I had no idea how that would play out and how well it would add to the story. I don’t think any of us did, to be honest. But it was very smart of them and it definitely does add such a fun layer to the story for the hardcore fans to get into. I’m very lucky to be a part of it. And now my cat has more twitter
sion of Pride & Prejudice ever produced--and unlike any other literary adaptation, to be sure. How do you feel about the multi-media format the project has taken-on? And how, if at all, do you think or hope this will impact the future of storytelling?
followers than me. I think it will definitely inspire storytelling in years to come; I mean, I don’t want to sound too arrogant about it (not that I can take credit for it because it’s all the creative team), but clearly people are noticing that this is a great and fun new way to tell a classic story that has never been done before. It also works particularly well in this instance because of Lizzie’s character and the fact that it makes sense that she would do this--have her own video blog--and the events of the book work well in this medium. That wouldn’t be the case for every classic novel you might want to adapt. Rachel Kiley: I think that’s absolutely what gives the show the heart and fan base it has. You don’t have to know about any of the transmedia (Twitter, Facebook, tumblr, Lookbook, etc.) or the spin-offs and you’ll still get the story just fine, but having the option to watch interaction between the characters play out on Twitter, or get Charlotte’s recommendations for films, or see what Lydia’s up to while her sisters
are away is a great way to engage fans. that tradition, and how do you think it as blurred as we can make them, and They know by now that we set up the moves beyond it? that’s definitely a far cry from a tradiaccounts long before we reveal them, tional novel reading experience. We’re so they’re constantly looking for a new RK: I actually think the fact that there also obviously trying to do different character’s Twitter account, or Youare SO MANY adaptations of Pride & things with our characters than is sort Tube channel, or whatever. Keeping Prejudice is a huge help to us. When of traditionally done. The great thing fans engaged and active like that helps there’s ONE BIG ANTICIPATED about being able to tell a story in little them stay excited about the show in movie/serial adaptation of a book, it’s pieces spread out over a year is that between episodes. easy for fans to feel let down if certain you can devote more time and care to It’s also really cool that they can actuthings aren’t exactly the way they enall the characters and relationships that ally interact with the characters on visioned them. P&P has been adapted you simply can’t do in a single novel various social media sites (in addition faithfully, adapted for Hollywood, or a two hour movie. That’s definitely to the actors themselves). It makes the for Bollywood, time-traveled, been something I feel sets us apart, and is illusion of the “Lizzie Bennet Diaries zombified, had made-up sequels from really a big reason why we all wanted world” far more real, and when you other authors, and surely other forms to work on this project. love a fictional thing, you love anyof re-imaginings I’m not remembering. thing that helps you believe it’s real. The “Pride & Prejudice adaptation” is TB: LBD is (obviously) told primarily Obviously Lonelygirl15 did a lot of this almost a genre in and of itself at this from Lizzie’s own perspective, but what kind of interacgoes into maktive stuff first, but ing sure the entire we just have more world of the Benplatforms available nets and company to build our world is fleshed out? And than they had at do you feel like the the time. And a lot show accomplishes of web series are that more so or starting to take on less so than other the idea of transadaptations? media and building the world across AC: The LBD has multiple platforms, a great team of and I know Lost writers creating the did a whole bunch transmedia asof stuff with that pects of the show, back when it was keeping characters on the air too. I alive even when think it’s fantastic, Mary Kate Wiles (left) as Lydia Bennet and Ashley Clements as Lizzie Bennet playing dress-up. you don’t see them and I really hope more shows, both point, so fans are used to different on the vlogs. Through their twitter web and TV, as well as movies, follow interpretations, and I think that makes accounts (primarily), facebook and in the trend. People love stories that it easier for them to enjoy our show tumblr, the characters remain acengage them, and in a world where you based on its own merits, rather than tive constantly, and twitter accounts have so many shows, and so many TV necessarily how closely it sticks to the can exist before actors are even cast channels, and so many movies comnovel. In the same way, I think the tra- in those roles. (The case with Bing, ing out, I think this kind of approach dition itself has evolved over the years. Caroline, Darcy and Gigi.) It’s a way to really sets content apart, so rather than Each adaptation almost seems farther show the audience what’s happening just making a shallow dive into lots of and farther away from the original with characters who aren’t on Lizzie’s stories, you can delve more deeply and in some way or another, and I think vlogs, and to offer their perspectives. completely into a select few and hopethat’s really cool. I hope (and believe) One of the things that makes the show fully have a richer experience. that we are contributing to that -- we unique is that it’s told primarily from may not have any sci-fi elements or one character’s biased point of view, TB: On the writing side, do you feel anything crazy out there, but we are but I think that’s a really fun way to tell pressured or held back at all by the vast clearly bringing it into a very modern- a well known story. In our version, the tradition of P&P adaptations? In what ized, transmedia-based world where other characters get to offer their always do you think the show is a part of the lines between fiction and reality are ternative views of events on twitter, by
challenging Lizzie on camera (like Jane and Charlotte do) and occasionally by hijacking an episode, like EP 15. MKW: I feel like we are definitely getting the opportunity to flesh out Jane and Lydia more, and I love that. And I think the way we present the adults-Mr. and Ms. Bennet, by Lizzie and the other characters playing them, has turned into such a fun way of showing them that actually really works. So yeah, I think we are fleshing out the world a bit more, but obviously skewed from Lizzie’s perspective, rather than Darcy’s or whatever. So it’s a fuller fleshed out version of a specific viewpoint. And just the time we’re taking to tell the story really allows us to explore it fully in a way that a modern adaptation needs and deserves. And I think the fans enjoy that.
that of Lizzie herself, so it’s easy for the audience to start out taking everything she says at face value and slowly put together the pieces of actuality, and realize she’s not such a reliable narrator after all. And we almost get to figure that out along with Lizzie herself, which is pretty cool. Then of course we also have things like the spin off where Lydia goes to visit cousin Mary and everything is from HER point of view, and while that’s not specifically about Lizzie or her “diaries,” I think it really goes a ways towards shedding some light on how Lizzie’s opinions and feelings aren’t facts. It also gives more
enjoying that so much, actually being able to say, “you know, I think this Lydia really does care about her family and wouldn’t act in certain ways that you might be expecting her to.” It’s definitely not something that as an actor you get to do all the time--take a pretty well known character from a classic novel and make a modern version of her. I feel like normally in modern adaptations of classic stories, like Clueless or She’s the Man, the characters are different even though the story is similar. In this case I am playing Lydia Bennet, just a modern Lydia Bennet. That is so rare and exciting. And of course Lydia’s character translates into modern times in a really fun and fitting way. It’s the first time for me getting to play a character like this at all, so I’m enjoying every moment.
RK: One thing I RK: That can be really don’t particularly tough. We’ve run into care for in the origia few difficult spots nal novel is Lizzie’s with that, and we absolute devotion definitely have some to her older sister more coming up. But and near-complete just having the other dismissal of her Co-Creator of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, Vlogbrother Hank Green, with the cast. characters on screen “silly” younger sisters, really helps accentuate for the viewers insight into Lydia herself, as we’re also actually the thing that drew me the possibility that Lizzie’s version of lowed to see her as just herself, without towards working on the show was getevents and people isn’t necessarily the Lizzie pulling and pushing her in and ting a chance to explore more of both true one. Some of my favorite episodes out of videos, and coloring our opinwhy that might be, and also how that to write are actually the ones without ion. So that’s been really great. may have actually fed into and shaped Lizzie, because the other characters their behaviors. Following the train of allow themselves to be a little more TB: Building on that, Lydia is a charthought that Lydia’s incessant boy-cracritical of her views when she’s not acter who has been portrayed in a zy, attention-seeking ways are actually there to snark her way out of it. This number of ways. How have you drawn attempts to make up for the lack of feels like a very different approach on the tradition? What new light do affection and attention shown to her by than previous adaptations (or the novel you want to shed on the character? her family, particularly in light of how itself) have been able to take. Elizabeth close Lizzie and Jane are, has been an Bennet is always the protagonist the MKW: I’m so lucky I get to play what interesting thing to try to subtly layer world revolves around, but her story is I feel is a much fuller version of Lydia. in over the course of the show so far. always told in third person, and often We’re definitely taking her in a slightly Mostly, we just didn’t want to make her with an omniscient narrator. Here, we different direction than the book, but a one-dimensional bratty character, rely on first person accounts, largely she’s still grounded in Austen. I’m which is how she comes across in other
adaptations more often than not. She’s still just a kid, she’s learning, and her intentions aren’t evil or always completely selfish, her actions are just... mis-guided. And honestly, taking on the challenge of trying to turn the character everyone generally hates into a fan favorite has been very appealing. TB: Caroline has been made aware of the Diaries, Mary is the Bennet’s “EMOtastic” teenage cousin, and Kitty is a literal kitten. How far do you think the show is willing to veer from the text? Do you think anything is lost in translation?
MKW: Well, this isn’t really a question for me so much as the writers, but I will say that this has always been an experiment and that’s part of the fun of it. If we did everything exactly like the book, well, A. that’s impossible because lots of things have changed since the time the book is set in and B. what fun is that? Exploring new possibilities for the characters is part of the fun and part of the point of having a project like this in the first place.
I know we’ve had some fans complain about making Lydia too likable or Mary too pretty or even Lizzie too snarky, but I think they’re just used to seeing things a certain way, and hopefully once everything plays out and the big picture comes to light, they’ll be able to understand and appreciate why we’ve made the choices we have. We’re always trying to service our story with the choices we make, and while we always talk in the writers room about how we’re sure we’ll inevitably realize we accidentally wrote ourselves into a dilemma with one of our choices in modernization, it hasn’t happened yet, so fingers crossed! TB: As an actress, Ashley, how much are you able to bring to Lizzie’s character, and how much is given to you? What sources have you drawn on to
AC: Great question. Lizzie is very well written, so on one hand, Lizzie is all on the page. But I saw the other actresses in the final casting considerations for Lizzie, and they had interpretations totally unlike mine. Once I was cast, dialogue that had been written was tweaked to fit me, and new episodes have all been written for me and my voice. I’m also in the really wonderful position of being listened to and trusted by Bernie, so sometimes we’ll talk about how Lizzie would react to things, or we’ll change a line I don’t like - which is not to take credit for anything the writers do. I am frequently overruled. The words are mostly the writers, and a lot of Lizzie is her words, but they could be said in many different ways, and the way I say them is the Lizzie you know. She could have been someone very different, but at this point, all of the writers and I have a real melding of the minds about Lizzie. TB: What is your favorite version of P&P (besides this, obvi)? MKW: Oh, I can’t choose. I love the book first of all because, it’s wonderful; the more recent film adaptation with Kiera Knightley is one of the most beautiful movies as a whole that I know of; and the BBC version has Colin Firth’s defining Darcy. Come on now. AC: I think there are a lot of wonderful adaptations, but my favorite is the 2005 film. Overall I think it does a really good job of condensing the source material into a highly entertaining and beautiful two hours. It also has my favorite interpretations of Collins, Jane, Lady Catherine and Mrs. Bennet. (Other than The LBD, of course!)
AC: The show doesn’t retain everything from the book; it can’t. That’s the beauty of an adaptation. If you want the original, Jane Austen has written a really lovely, witty and hilarious book, and there are numerous films and miniseries to watch. The only way to make The Lizzie Bennet Diaries worthwhile is to offer something new. One of my favorite things about The LBD is how we adapt the story to work in the modern world, which is sometimes a little tongue-in-cheek, like @TheKittyBennet, and sometimes offers a fresh take, like Charlotte’s arc. From my earliest knowledge of the project I was eager to find out how some important plot elements would be updated, and so far I think the writers are doing a really wonderful job. I’m as excited as the viewers to see how certain iconic scenes will play out.
RK: The most important thing to us in adapting P&P has always been to keep true to the heart of the story and the characters, not follow them verbatim. That’s given us a lot of leeway in what we’ve done, and I think it’s made our show a lot more interesting than it would have been otherwise. We’ve been able to make changes that the fans don’t see coming, but they also don’t feel like a betrayal of the original text. Telling a story that’s already been told, exactly the same way it’s been told, isn’t something that’s particularly appealing to a writer, and I can’t imagine it’s appealing to an actor either. So trying to really dig into the text and figure out how best to twist and distort characters and plot points and shift them into something new while still keeping their core in tact has been soooo much fun. I love seeing how far we can push it, and how many bad “obvious” choices for modernization we have to go through before we hit something good and unexpected. I don’t think anything’s been lost in translation.
inform your acting decisions?
Styling: Kellie Hogan, Hair & Makeup: Claudia Petrullo, Modeling: Constance Tsang and Claudia Chmarzewski
Photography: Jackson Krule
Creative Direction: Kellie Hogan
Thomas Aquinas for VP
“So a Mormon and a Catholic walk into the RNC. The Catholic is holding a copy of Atlas Shrugged”
So a Mormon and a Catholic walk into the RNC. The Catholic is holding a copy of Atlas Shrugged. That joke isn’t over yet, but it might end with the Mormon and the Catholic becoming two of the most powerful people in the world. Paul Ryan’s affinity for Ayn Rand’s work has been well documented. People keep talking about it. Jane Mayer of The New Yorker recently published a piece detailing Ryan’s gift of Ayn Rand books to his staffers in 2003. It also covered his speech to the Atlas society in 2005, in which he credited Rand for influencing him to go into public service. Tim Mak of Politico cited Ryan’s comment in 2009: “She does the best job of anybody to build a moral case of capitalism.” So he’s a right winger who likes Ayn Rand. Fair enough. And we get to see the influence of literature on contemporary public discourse. That’s nice, right?
Well…maybe. In April of 2012, Ryan denounced his philosophical patron, saying, “I reject her philosophy. It’s an atheist philosophy.” He
even told the National Review that his affinity for her writings is “an urban legend.” Okay, so he decided to drop the Randian Objectivism (which, by the way, states that maximizing one’s personal profits is the first and highest moral prerogative we have as humans.) Still fine. People change. Politicians learn stuff. Maybe Rand’s messages no longer resonated with him. Great. In fact, this change of heart originally struck me as grossly over-reported. Who hasn’t read a novel, loved it, then maybe not loved it as much a few years down the road? But then he dropped this on us: “If somebody is going to try to paste a person’s view on epistemology to me, then give me Thomas Aquinas…Don’t give me Ayn Rand.” Now he’s batting in the big leagues. The second a Catholic claims he’s similar to Aquinas, we have to
Public Health Services Act into law in 1944 and made federally funded health clinics a reality on which many Americans depend. And if we check Aquinas on this point, he tells us in the Summa that, “The care of the common weal is committed to those who are in authority.” Sounds like Aquinas is coming down on the left side of the aisle. We probably all heard about that letter Ryan sent to the Department of Health and Human Services. You know, the one in which he requests funding for the Kenosha Community Health Center in Racine, Wisconsin?
ing from the Affordable Care Act! If disagreements are only sinful when they are about what is necessary for salvation, then we have to admit that our boy Tommy Aquinas bails out Paul Ryan here. So he’s not being sinful; he’s just being obstinate. Oh wait, I forgot the next part of that sentence. The part about undue obstinacy. Can we think of anybody who’s been acting unduly obstinate about healthcare reform? Do I even need to name names? Does “47 members of the Senate” sound about right? So is Paul Ryan wrong to bring Aquinas into his wheelhouse? Perhaps. Check this out: “… concord results from charity, in as much as charity directs many hearts together to one thing, which is chiefly the Divine good, secondarily, the good of our neighbor.” So how The one in which the funding he wants do we get to a concord directed at the is part of the New Access Points funding good of our neighbor and many hearts opportunity of August 2010, an initiacoming together for one thing? Do we tive under the masthead of the Afford- slash $716 billion from Medicare, then able Care Act? Right, that one. try to paint our opponents as slashers But let’s not act like the rest of of Medicare, when in fact everyone the media and nail him for hypocrisy. is slashing Medicare but only some This is actually a good sign for him. It people have new ideas about where means that the discord regarding things the money should go? I think Aquinas necessary to salvation is not sinful for might hate everybody right about now. Ryan, or at least not by Aquinas’ stan dard. It can’t be sinful because Ryan and Don’t vote in the upcoming election. Obama don’t actually disagree about They’re all discordant sinners. what’s necessary; they both want fund-
launch an investigation. So without further adieu, let’s do it. In his anchor of a book Summa Theologica, Thomas Aquinas wrote, “Hence when several intend a good pertaining to God’s honor, or our neighbor’s profit, while one deems a certain thing good, and another thinks contrariwise, the discord is in this case neither sinful nor against charity, unless it be accompanied by an error about things necessary to salvation, or by undue obstinacy, since it has also been stated above that the concord which is an effect of charity, is union of wills not of opinions.” Let’s unpack this. Can we think of any recent discord regarding errors about things necessary to salvation? How about healthcare? Ryan has been doing a lot of feet stamping about this issue. His problem is with the Affordable Care Act, which does a lot of things, like allocate $11 billion to community health centers and ramp up funding for preventive care. It also makes sure everyone is covered by instituting a federal income tax on people who do not purchase their own coverage. (Oddly, that’s not his problem with it.) He doesn’t like the spending. “Obamacare is part of Washington’s reckless spending spree,” he says. “Our rights come from nature and God, not the government,” he says. Actually, they come from Franklin D. Roosevelt, who signed the
Fuck Me Gently with a Chainsaw:
ANNA DELLO RUSSO
photos via jakandjil.com and thesartorialist.com
January Dinosaur Egg
February Coffee Filter This October, as The Dark Mark appears in your peripherals, try to keep focused on the path directly ahead of you. Do not wander! You WILL get lost! Be weary of strangers bearing gifts.
You are quickly growing tired of the daily grind. Stop measuring out your life with coffee spoons and seize the freaking day! YOLO! If you don’t travel now, you might never get around to it. Drop everything and get out of town.
April The Dark Mark
May Walter Jr. (Flynn)
You’ve been growing impatient with your mother and neglecting her feelings. Never forget who brought you into this world. Time to consider who is cooking you breakfast and give ythe old hag a hug.
This month, your health is a major concern. Don’t be hasty about your dietary decisions. Listen to your body, get enough rest, and buy fish oil pills off Ebay. Most importantly, give yourself a nice, close shave every morning. Your evenings will thank you.
You are logical, analytical, mathematical, and deliberate, but as your astrological sign circumnavigates the fifth quadragle, try to release your inhabitions and take your creative right brain out for a stretch.
The chilly October air might bring back memories of your chilly parents and cold, misfortunate upbringing. So try to embrace the festive; throw a Halloween party! Invite an old flame! You never know what kind of spark might still be lingering.
June Whopper Jr.
July Sandy Cohen’s Eyebrows A glance in the mirror is plenty. Everyone knows you’re goodlooking, you don’t need to think it too. Try a little modesty and you will thank me later.
August Dart Board This October, your horoscope is sending out VERY strong signals that you are destined to win Project Runway. Better apply straight away then.
October Haggis Money’s tight this month. Hold on to spare change in an effort to build a little wiggle-room into your savings account. You never know what unexpected costs might pop up, so it’s best to have a little safety net.
When you walk down the street, passersby hear “Scotland the Brave” playing loudly by bagpipes. This is probably a sign. A sign that some big change will be coming soon.
November Conor Oberst’s Deep Sadness Don’t let the bastard get you down. Act happy and you might start to believe that you truly are. It’s called faking it till you make it. And if that doesn’t work you can try writing depressing literature and burning people’s toast.
December Apple Martin There is a kind and generous sould in your life who has yet to be recognized for her actions. It is you! THANK YOU SWEETIE!
any last words?
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