At the Trial of God, You Will Meet Your Body

hoiyan

Today, I found out that God exists. Not as a being or a whisper or a state of mind; God is the torment I feel as this limp body–my body–is splayed naked on a steel tray before me.

That foreign, bare chest displayed for approaching angels to leer at, dilapidated stretch marks clutching onto uninvited curves, a physicality sectioned off based merely on chromosomal affairs.

I beg for mercy, I beg for mother dearest mother please help me. Instead, she stands amongst the angels, grips burning incense, and pierces through the flesh, hushed prayers slip through God’s upturned lips.

Today, I face my own body as a trial of terror. I scream and shriek at the angels to cover it all, I scream and wail at the disconnections from a blurry idealization to the sight I’m facing, I scream and lacerate the wrong body I am to be put into.

I draw two incisions for a beautifully scarred, scarlet chest; refined dimensions curated to perfection–the body that is finally all I could be, an ethereally bloody figure stripped of femininity. A sigh of liberation for my flawless product, but my handiwork reversed at once for the glory of God’s design.

With wet hands and glossy eyes, I beg for mother again but she stays with the angels to stare. She looks to God, then tells me that is your predestined body, and I scream in mourning as the torment that is God dispatches my flesh into our today.

Today, I found out I had died in front of myself before I was born.

Poetry

Peace on the Horizon

by Lara Paul Photograph shot on iPhone 11 Pro

This image is a testament to the resilience of modern humanity—who work tirelessly to survive well, and who retreat to nature for healing. The moment captured begs us to wonder; Why are we so drawn to the healing spaces of nature? And, when we are ready, What is waiting for us over the next horizon?

In the Partial Shade

May

As the wind flicks Grass bends to give a kiss. It holds me light

As I have no need to fight.

Here alone under this tree It’s just you and me.

The sun meets at a line And I have a feeling things will be fine.