Misprint editor insists it’s actually spelled “editer,” angrily quits “payper” in protest.
This is called a flag. It indicates articles of particular interest, but this is Misprint bitches, it’s all gold.
MISPRINT ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO MISPRINT
Friday, March 30, 2007. Friday, March 17, 2007. Nisan 11, 5767. Yawm al-jum`a, Rabi ‘al-Awwal 11, 1428. Jomeh, Farvardin 10, 1386. 12, 19, 14, 3, 7.
Thousands trapped in jobmine collapse Prof
Pete Watson delicious monkey
Home > JobMine > Stu de
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etak noswad hobo in training
On January 19, students and employers alike were trapped in a massive Jobmine collapse that killed four students’ job prospects and injured 19 others’. The head of the rescue operation described the situation: “This is a full-blown Jobmine collapse. Witnesses say that all four levels seemed to sway and then buckle one after the other. First the ‘Jobmine’ level, then the ‘Students’ level, then the ‘Use’ level and then finally the top level crumbled. Strangely we haven’t found any reports of people or activity on
any of the first three levels. I’m not quite sure how they were in use at all. Although this finding is very strange it should make our clean-up operation a bit easier.” One student made a similar comment: “It was always strange, having to go up three levels just to find what I need. I always figured those floors were there for a reason. Maybe after the collapse someone will rethink this design.” Rescuers dug frantically through resumés, cover letters, short-lists, and transcripts to search for people who were trapped in the debris. “Plain resumes and cover letters aren’t overly difficult to move,” one rescuer re-
marked. “But the application packages, they are a whole different story.” Trapped students used their cell phones to call friends and family. One student, obviously upset about his trapped friend, remarked: “She has 42 apps left, 42! This just doesn’t seem fair. Trapping her like this, it’s inhuman.” Another student commented on her boyfriend: “He was only inactive in there for 79 minutes. If only it had been 80 he would have been kicked out before the collapse.” Architecture co-op students responded to the collapse with a resounding cry of “we didn’t do it.” Volunteers from both Laurier and
UW satellite campus counts down to takeoff
Guelph offered to send experts to help in the search and rescue operation, but Waterloo refused to accept their offers. Following the collapse, an additional nine students were injured in a stampede to Needles Hall, the old site of co-op job postings. Students chanted “Bring Back the Bins” in unison while waving printed resumés above their heads. University officials tried to calm students: “Although Jobmine is currently cancelled, we assure you that applications will be available, and even approved, by early next week.” The exact cause of the collapse is still unknown.
With the successes of the Kitchener School of Medicine and the Stratford liberal arts college, Waterloo plans on opening a new school of accountancy satellite campus, which will be in geosynchronous orbit with the main campus. President Emma Johnson stated earlier this week that funds were being allocated via “perfectly legal and sexy” means for this astronomically expensive project. “I mean really, I’m surprised other universities haven’t tried this before,” president Emma remarked during a private interview. “Sure, we have other campuses based in insignificant municipalities, but who wants to live in Stratford? I feel myself becoming less sexually virile just thinking about the damn place, let alone trying to get some frosh action. I believe the best way to attract the top students in the country is to promise them some zero-G booty.” Johnson went on to say that “outside of the social context, it only made sense to build an orbiting School of Accountancy. I mean, we will someday trust these young individuals with our hard-earned assets, and most of them haven’t even broken the surly bonds of earth! “I doubt the graduates from this new school won’t have any trouble finding employment with statements such as ‘studied while being gravity’s plaything’ on their resumés.” When asked about the practicality of creating a sustainable environment for human life kilometers above sea level, president Emma remarked, “Why the fuck not?” See PSYCH, page 4
Friday, March 30, 2007
Crossword Like Scrabble, but without the choking hazard Across
What do you have planned for the summer term?
By None of your business
“Trying to figure out why my
followers hate queers so much.”
1A religious studies
“Plotting the destruction of all humanity.” A cute puppy 2B fine arts
An angry Yeti 4B biology
“Trying to find a woman who isn’t so fucking submissive.” Batman 3B criminology
1A computer science
1. Learn to love Degas 2. That inane painter 3. Pinto placement... again! 4. Can’t we get rid of him? 5. That ace in the hole 6. That slippery merman 7. He ain’t no asset here 8. But almost in-separable 9. With his damn Tai-Bo 10. And myth of agnosia
11. This whole thing needs a rethink 12. Trompes? Damn Frenchies 19. SOS baby, right here! 22. Amid the burning ship, the boy stood there 23. All made of rice-paper 27. Looking for a nice leer 28. Archons? What fool picks these words? 29. Shaitan? Is that a mushroom? 30. With lots of potence 33. Game, set, match
34. Appose. Oppose, simply misspelled 37. Pomps it up 38. PINTO!!! Get out of this crossword 39. How often must your name be here? 40. Always whining about the Tsars 45. Or raising everyone’s ire 47. Marring everything 48. Sturdy as an elm
“I’ve always wanted to learn how to macrame.” Satan 3B combinatorics and optimization
“Well you know, I be flippin’ bitches on the daily.” Spongebob Squarepants 2B marine biology
“Skull-fucking that fucking Boswer cocksucker.” Super Mario
1. Look into my shadow box 8. Start from the left 13. See what entices you 14. Eager to peek? 15. Take a few ganders? 16. Watch out for Pinto! 17. Ani-body in there? 18. Me-sa, I like you! 20. Ohmmmmmmmm 21. Bloody separator’s packed it in again! 24. Take a break, have a sip 25. It will be a min. of an hour 26. This saline solution hurts 28. But goes great with aspic 31. As long as you can get past the beaks 32. You damn snooty Rhodes scholar 34. Too good to drink ale 35. Or save a cat from a tree 36. Always spitting in the pepper pot! 41. Hie thee to the hills! 42. Atop yonders peaks ye must go 43. No ifs, ands or buts 44. Damn that Pinto in the mirror! 46. Una momenta! 49. Are you nacre-ed? 50. Shut up and read your Psalter 51. Or have sneer 52. But listen to the sermons
“I’m gunna try and spend most of my time in Brendan Pinto’s face.”
Scarlett Johansson’s Tits 4B pre health
Solutions are for people who aren’t quite grown ups
Friday, March 30, 2007
4+8 - 9
The Arts Snob Snaps Ever since the beginning of this column, “dear” readers, I’ve had but one mission. That seemingly simple objective was to enlighten you, the UW student body and open your minds to culture and beauty that would have otherwise been alien to you - to turn you into the ultimate arts snobs. Week after week I’ve filled the arts section with arcane language and obscure references for your benefit. I don’t like to throw the word “hero” around, but that’s what I am. Nothing short of herculean. When I started I really thought it was going to be easy. How hard should it really be to turn people into arts snobs? I mean, the average Waterloo student is halfway there already. All you really need is to direct your snobbery away from trivial pursuits like building bridges and solving infinite-dimensional non-linear partial differential equations to something worthwhile like theatre and obscure indie rock ensembles. But you won’t let go of your technical inclinations even for a second. You probably think that Gauguin is a device used to measure radiation! (Since you probably don’t get it, that last sentence was funny because a 19 th century painter who was a key figure in the postimpressionist and primitivist movements is so diametrically opposed from a Geiger counter. Oh good god, I’m so delightfully pompous.) You see, my fellow students, I’ve come to realize that you just aren’t worth it and that I’ve been wasting my time on you. You
don’t care and are completely unwilling to change. Just the other day I heard someone on campus utter the phrase, and I quote, “I wish Nickleback would tour with Panic! At The Disco sometime. That would be a wicked show.” Besides the obvious absurdity of the proposed touring pair, I have only this to say in response: My god. How am I supposed to work under these licentious conditions? I would love for someone to explain to me how the University of Waterloo became such a malodorous sink hole of trendy, mainstream media. I see students of this school parading around in their Kelly Clarkson shirts buying “Starry Night” posters from the SLC poster sale without knowing that it was a Van Gogh or even attempting to appreciate his more obscure, but equally worthy pieces. I hear my fellow students engaging in menial colloquy with regards to frivolous affairs in language that the common layperson would find plebian and clichéd. Christ, would it kill you to throw a French word into your vocabulary from time to time? Would it be so offensive and disagreeable to even contemplate the adoption of a more pedantic tongue? Could it even betrayle you to entertain an abserviant messany of terratrant vocal obsivities, you inconsequential, dubiant plessians? I do apologize for that derisive outburst, but I’m just so furious right now that I couldn’t help it. Well no more. I’m done with the whole lot of you ungrateful, inconscient lollygaggers. I’m going to end with a rhyme (which should be perfectly suited for you since you’re clearly incapable of appreciating the finer points of the non-rhyming, free-verse form): Fuck this shit, I quit.
Man discovers woman attached to breasts Shaved Potter
Earlier this month, UW student Dick Manly was shocked to find a human being attached to the boobs he was ogling at the time. Unaccustomed to seeing outside of his admittedly narrow focus, Manly was surprised to hear words coming out of a round, head – shaped object located just above the tits. Unprepared for such an event, Manly looked around and found that the knockers he was staring at for the last several minutes appeared to be firmly affixed to a whole human body. Although he had become deft at tuning women out at an early age, he was unable to do so in this instance. Manly expressed his confusion. “I think she was screaming at me. At first it just kinda sounded like this hysterical yammering, but when I tried to listen in real close like, well, it was still kinda crazy talk but I reckon it was English.” “I have to say, I was more surprised than that time I went to see Naked Lunch. I vaguely remember the existence of girls back when I was in elementary school, but it kinda gets
blurry when I turned 9. Since then I only remember them [girls] in passing, like they were part of some sorta dream,” stammered Manly. Although clearly a “boob guy” other men share a different, but very similar impairment commonly characterized as “ass men.” Like their mammary counterparts, they often forget that when staring at a women’s ass, they too are attached to real life human beings. When Misprint asked Manly if he had ever felt the urge to touch a breast, he was quick to respond. “Hell yes, all the time. Still do ‘n fact. I just learned early on in life than when I try to, I always end up getting hit somethin’ awful.” Having lived 22 years with this grossly myopic worldview, it seems unlikely that he will ever truly recover. When asked how he felt about this, Manly ignored the question, opting to instead stare out the window at an undressed mannequin torso in the store across the street for the remainder of the interview. firstname.lastname@example.org
News Briefs UW declares war on stupidity
Couple announces breakup via Facebook
Joining the trend of characterizing all initiatives as a war, notably the war on drugs and the war on terror, The university of Waterloo will now be launching its own war on stupidity. No longer an institution of higher learning, UW has joined the ranks in the army against ignorance. “We’ll smart bomb all lack of knowledge into oblivion!” said UW president David Johnston. The war will be fought on two fronts. The first of these will involve trying to eliminate stupidity at the source by imparting knowledge to the students of the university. The second will involve the outright killing people who watch America’s Next Top Model.
2B engineer Lynne Jackson and 2A science student Ron Walker broke up on Thursday March 22nd, citing irreconcilable differences. “Ron is totally into his friend Shannon,” Jackson remarked. “I couldn’t take it anymore.” Walker claims that Shannon is simply a lab partner and that Jackson is “jealous to the point of insanity.” After carefully considering how to notify their friends about the breakup, Jackson and Walker agreed that changing their status on Facebook would be the most efficient way to handle the situation. “Once this hits the Newsfeed everyone will know within an hour,” Walker said. “I hope Shannon sees it.”
Sustainability office to RIM employees to get get on top of erections Hum Vs Darcy Higgins, known for preaching the virtues of environmental sustainability is now looking to include another important environment — the penis. The new sustainability project UWSP, is the overarching group coordinating a number of environmental initiatives on campus. The subcommitee for sustainable erections is projected to number in the thousands. Initiatives include discouraging the consumption of alcohol leading to “whisky dick” and encouraging the use of cock rings throughout the campus. According to group members, “We are looking to the future, and we envision a world where erections don’t just happen now, but last well into the future. It’s a long, hard, throbbing road, but we are here to walk it.”
Students study at Dana Porter Library Observers were shocked Tuesday to see students sitting quietly and studying in the library. “They were just sitting there,” one observer said. “They had their books open, some had calculators. I even think I saw a protractor in use on the fourth floor.” “I always thought students used the library for the computer terminals, or maybe for a little fun behind the book stacks,” the observer claimed. “But studying in there? Isn’t that kind of 1994?”
Co-op jobs at Research in Metric (RIM) just got a whole lot sexier. For the coming spring term, all UW co-op students placed at RIM will get use of a brand new H3 Hum-V au gratis. “Its always better to give than receive,” said RIM Chairman of the broad Mickey Lazerdisk with a chortle, “and I would know, I’ve received shitloads,” likely referring to his millions. One student commented, “I was happy to just get the RIM job, then they threw in a hummer!”
Professors exchange MSN messages during class Two AHS professors exchanged MSN messages on their laptops as they co-taught a class last week. “It was so rude,” one student in the class remarked. “We could tell what they were doing even though they kept their screens hidden. It was during class discussion, but still, weren’t we interesting enough? Didn’t we capture their attention?” The professors were seen grinning and typing repeated messages through the second half of class. The TAs sitting behind them were understandably distracted. Students in the class are considering how to make lectures more interesting to keep their professors’ attention.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Satire - the bane of human existance From the days of Ancient Rome to recent student news, satire has been the bane of our society, the monkey on our proverbial back and the black fly in our chardonnay. In fact, some scholars believe that when transcribing the holy words of god, the writers of the bible failed to detect god’s sarcasm, which lead to the vast majority of religious atrocities throughout history. Take the case of The Recorder, which recently published an opinion piece entitled “Rape Hurts Only If You Fight It.” Never mind that the writing was sloppy. Never mind that his argument didn’t further any redeeming social commentary. Never mind that the whole piece just wasn’t funny. Think instead of the unsung victim, John Petroski, who was clearly too spellbound by the glamour of satirical writing. How could you hold him responsible for his own words? Kid never had a chance. If he hadn’t been saturated in a culture of farce, from South Park to Borat to The Colbert Report, Petroski would never have waded in rhetorical waters too deep for him. If Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal had been destroyed at the outset, Petroski would never have suffered the supreme humiliation of being demoted from opinion editor to general reporter for his flimsy attempt to emulate the satirical greats. It’s sick, I know, but history always picks on the little guy. The University of Cambridge has the
right idea: recently one of their college student papers, Clareification, ran a mock issue entitled Crucification, and the religious satire was defamed by readers, forcing one of the editors to go into hiding for fear of violent retaliation. University officials responded the only way they could: by pulling funding for the whole paper and deliberating on further punishments for those involved in the specific issue. Heil, free press! Even local law-enforcement tossed around the idea of prosecuting the guest editor under the Public Order Act, which says that causing “harassment, alarm, or distress” is a criminal act. Their hearts are in the right place, God bless them, but punishing the writers doesn’t go far enough; what’s needed is a universitywide ban on satire altogether. No sarcasm in the lunch lines. No witty retorts during campus
debates. Students will think literally or they won’t think at all. Ah, the good life. The university’s Islamic society vice-president summed it up best: “Freedom of speech does not constitute the freedom to offend.” This doesn’t include, of course, those who would be offended by a society that wants everything to be inoffensive to everyone. If you ask me (and I know you would), these people are also victims of our diseased culture of farce; they need Puritanical rules imposed upon them more than anyone else. After all, nothing is more likely to offend than satire — both the good and the bad. And since there are absolutely no guidelines that could possibly be used by young writers to distinguish between good and bad satire, the exercise as a whole should be taken out and shot. The last thing we need is another upstart columnist taking an extreme stance
in order to show the absurdity of commonly held theoretical positions. Hell, if he walked into my office this minute, I’d shoot the social degenerate myself. I’m Brendan Pinto and I’m single (because too many women think a sense of humour is important, don’t ask me why), so tell your friends. email@example.com
PSYCH continued from cover
You just got owned.
Old English vs. Schlitz Misprint office drunk drinks two 40’s and relates the experiance Jason Porter office drunk
Olde English Shortly after leaving the LCBO I found myself on Euclid Street, named after a famous old English mathematician. Old English, Olde English… coincidence? I think not. I cracked the Olde English on the spot and took my first sip. Olde English is not technically a beer, but a malt liquor. The difference between beer and malt liquor is subtle, but important. Malt liquor is the same as beer in every way, except that the alcohol is Maltese in origin. Upon returning home I longed to sit back and truly begin the enjoyment of my refreshing Olde English malt liquor but, to my dismay, discovered that for some reason the beverage tasted banal and pedestrian compared to only a few minutes earlier when I was drinking it in public. It then occurred to me that to truly appreciate Olde English, one must consume it the way in which it is intended to be consumed - from a bag while in public. The only way to prevent the Malt Liquor from tasting pedestrian is to BEOCME a pedestrian! But my moment of brilliant epiphany was short lived for, suddenly, I noticed a strange
uncontroallable rage brewing inside me. A strange anger which would manifest itself in the most unforseen ways. The slighets provocation began sending me into a fury. Even my word processor is taunting me now, with it’s arrogant red squiggles under my words. How dare it. Does it know who I am?? I’m Jason Porter. I write for MISPRINT. Come on! In conclusion, Olde English is perfectly enginneered to be a drinkin-public malt liquor. Complete with a rescrewable cap, it is ready to be placed in a brown paper bag and brought onto the streests. Just beware of the large bottle to keep yourself out of trouble.
Schlitz My first sip a schiltz tasted a lot like beer. How fucking surpriseing. It’s fucking beet. It all tastes the same anyway. What the hell is the point of camparing beers anyway??? Who can even tellthe differenece. You have got to be kidding me. Unfortunately, I have to put in ab out 300 words to descride this beer. This is fucking bullshit. How am I supooesed to do that??? Stupidd misprint. Instead of writing about schlitz, I’m going to write about how stupid the editor whom gave me this assignment it.nThat jerk. Wat a douchebahg. Maybe I should have written this schicltz review not after the doing the odle english reiview. I
haven’t even cleared my palette. How can I really make a reasoneble comparison?? I’m such a doorknob. Alright, back to work. Sooooo. Schlitz, unlike Olde English is an actual beer, which is a definite plys in its favour. However, the cashier gave me an extremely derisive look when I presented my schiltx for payment. H aha… that sounds dirty. Schlitz for payment… he he. But seriously, doewsn’t ‘schlirtz’ sound like ‘shits’??? just take out the ‘l’. Oh man… I’m drinking SHITS! HA HA. Oh god… I guess you had to be there. Anyway… Despite the nearly 2 litres of strong beer I have consume, I have yet to experience any strong desire to make anti- semetic comments which, in pshyciatric circles, is referred to as the “Mel Gibson Effect” after the person first diagnosed with the disordr last year. I’m, in fact, starting to disbelieve in this condition. I’m thinking that Mr. Gibson might have been using this as an EXCUSE for his comments. What a frigging jerk. In summery, Schlitz does it’s job… And by it’s job, I mean get you drunk the fuck up. If you’re looking for taste, this might not be the beer for you… neither may be olde english, but either way you’ll enfd the night as you intended. Wasted off your damn face.
Friday, March 30, 2007
A lesson in junk smashing know, tell your air-headed girlfriend (who slept with your now-ex) that this disgusting loser posing as a decent human being just loooves orphaned kittens, and wants to hear about her new adoption program. As she’s in the height of her story-telling glory, SHAZAAM!, You –1, groin - 0. Player hater? Yes. I also bring up another technique that The other day, while walking with some terribly is very useful, and needs covering: the junk unfunny guy friends, I was given some most deli- punch. The classic punch to the groin requires cious fodder for this column. Mostly, my friends lots of practice, since you want to get your and family are careful not to provide any future target spot-on without any navigation, pracfodder for my column, as they are not fond of tice, or looking at the target to aim. If you being written about. In fact, I almost canned miss by an inch, your mission is failed, and the idea before I wrote it, but after finding the you cannot correct yourself, as your cover will bottom of a bottle of whiskey I said, you know be blown. So use this carefully. Effectively what, fuck it. So here it is, folks: your basic performed, it is excruciating. Badly done, guide to kicking men in the balls. Armed with good luck to you, because there is nothing to enough information, today’s woman might be stop the sleazebag from turning around and able to bring this age-old tradition back. What, kicking your ass. you want to argue that it’s still in full force? I ask But I digress. We are still in need of disyou then, when was the last time YOU kicked a traction. In fact, if you distract well enough, scumbag in the junk? Can’t remember? I didn’t you have enough time to punch perfectly. think so, you lying whore. If you’re faced with the terrible prospect of Now first of all, we need to review some being without a willing or even unsuspecting basic techniques. accomplice, you have There are a few to improvise. What’s variations that can that sign over there? “The words in that pull make all the comeHey, that glorious essay quote don’t appear dic difference when your male compatriot performing this unrecently wrote, what loving gesture. I’m anywhere in the text. What was that all about? Oh going to assume that look, an oncoming car! the fuck?” — Author you know the basic Move! There are so kick. It works well, many options. If none but it’s pretty boring. Next, we have the self- of these work, you might be faced with the defense grab and twist. Remember grade nine less honorable (although only slightly less self-defense class in gym? No? We had a so) prospect of engaging this “sweet, with screaming jock come in to tell us girls about a side of asshole” guy in deep conversahow to walk assertively, cover our asses, kick tion, pulling him in closer and closer until… some male asses and generally act like bitches. BLAMO! You get what I mean. The more In short, he was my personal mentor. Now, tantalizing or heart-wrenching the conversato perform his patented attack, you imagine tion, the better. that your target is not equipped with the usual A key factor, historically, in preventing the junk, but instead, a bunch of grapes—and it ball kick/punch has been fear of sterilization. is your job to pick them. The key here, is that Now, tell me again, why do we care? It’s now you will never succeed in picking the “grapes,” been twenty years, give or take, since the start but you will inflict a lot of pain. This is the of new fertilization technologies. We’ve been goal. I’d recommend keeping this in the storing fertile sperm for years and years. drawer for genuine attackers, but then I just Think of the stockpile we have. Even if every can’t be bothered to feel guilty. Go forth and male on the planet was to become sterilized, pick some grapes for womankind. except the very young, of course, that’s just So far, the attacks we’ve talked about are cruel — we’d be set for decades. Of course, only possible if you catch the vermin off- if it ever came to a critical situation, a few guard. Unfortunately, those jerks are always key jerks could be appointed to sit out and watching us. Every time I turn around, there’s preserve their “precious” scrotums. They another asshole whistling and jeering and tell- could be responsible for future generations, ing me to take it all off. Jeez! So, we’re going as we continue to assert ourselves and perfect to need planning, and it’s going to take talent. asexual reproduction. Read carefully, as we go through some differAre we starting to feel guilty yet? Think ent tactics at catching men off-guard. of Jackass, my lady friends. Think of Jackass. One method is to use an accomplice. Now, these men willingly inflict infinite pain This person would have to understand upon their genitals. On their own. And these your purposes, or at least understand that men obviously represent the general populafor some reason, it’s necessary to distract tion. Our part? Well isn’t it more fun to play the unfortunate male victim. Failing that, with two than on your own? I can see you you could lead them to believe that they smiling. We must be getting somewhere. are utterly fascinating, and need to tell your victim about their latest bar escapade. You firstname.lastname@example.org
Correction It turns out that the vast majority of last year’s Misprint was in error. Essentially everything in that issue was a blatant falsehood and needs correction. We at Misprint promise to try harder to maintain the highest standards of accuracy. Also, the world is going to end Tuesday April 10, 2007 at around 6ish .
Bartender baffled as hot girl pays for her drink The dark haired girl local vagrant
“I just didn’t know what to say,” admitted Tom Ranic, clearly distraught at the memory of his shift bartending at Fubar last Friday. “There was this girl — she was hot. Like ten out of ten hot. She just came up to the bar, and asked for a martini.” A series of questions ensued between Ranic and UW student Melody Ackhart, the woman in question. Yes, the drink was for her, not some tragically less attractive female friend, who was unable to sufficiently attract the male attention we all so crave. Yes, she was paying with her own money. Fourth year engineering student Josh Moser, who witnessed the incident, said it left him feeling chilled. “Fuck, man, I mean, if I can’t impress a sexy girl by buying her overpriced shots, then ... what do I have to offer?” he confided to this reporter during an impromptu drunken 3 a.m. phone call. Indeed, back when I was frosh, it was Moser who first impressed upon me the
place of alcohol in mating rituals, at the engineering BOT. “Here, I’ve bought it for you this time, but you’re going to have find some other guy to get booze for you later,” he said, as I wondered if he was expecting sexual favours in exchange for a $10 plastic cup. “Women should never buy alcohol,” he repeated. Sound advice. Advice Ackhart chose to ignore. Why? I can only speculate, as she has refused to return any of my (or Moser’s) phone calls. Perhaps she didn’t want a guy to feel entitled to at least $4.50 of her time. Perhaps she just doesn’t realize the privileges that come with being a “ten out of ten.” Perhaps, horror of horrors, no one offered. Perhaps she was thirsty. All in all, it was a startling incident, to be sure. But so long as students are consuming alcohol — a behaviour pattern known to lead to the admirable pursuits of amateur poledancing, public urination and sloppy makeout sessions — do we really have grounds to complain? email@example.com
Friday, March 30, 2007
String of good weather, or crimes against humanity? Stormy Gonzales friend of the geese
After months of snow, freezing rain and general craptasticness, the recent string of spring weather including anomalies like warmth, sunshine, and short pants has been deemed by UWIHDA to be ‘cruel and unusual punishment.” The elements — currently being prosecuted under Canada’s terrorism laws to avoid the burdens of a fair trial — are
particularly culpable as this string of nice days coincides so closely with the impending exam period. Following the lead of recent Darfur-related activism, students are walking in droves for the “footsteps of spring” in lieu of studying for exams. Said one student, “How could the weather do this to me? I can’t sit in this library when it looks like that outside. Kill me. Kill me now.”
And Snack Pack Hi said “let there be my resignation,” and it was good.
Snack Pack Hi resigns for the sins of students everywhere And He is the second coming of Christ. Anyone who disagrees is a hippy Barren Witz “special” to misprint
He may lack the beard and halo, but Snack Pack Hi, recently resigned VPI, is without a doubt the second coming of Christ. And we barely welcomed His arrival. But let me take you back to the beginning. First God made Jesus, then Jesus sacrificed himself for our sins (thanks pal!), but we all knew that wouldn’t be last we saw of Him. Roughly two thousand years later, Snack Pack Hi became VPI and opposed a controversial decision about the Vagina Monologues. For those of you suffering from memory disorders, the Vagina Monologues, which I’m told is a pile of uppity tales from dirty-mouthed genitalia about their deviant, immoral orgasms, was slated to be held in SLC great hall. Snack Pack Hi knew that such a display would anger children, veterans and most importantly, Christians all over campus and the K/W area. He knew so absolutely that he didn’t need to ask any mortal, cuz his info came right from the source, his father, God. Student council opposed Hi’s
decision, just like the ancient Jews/ Romans opposed J-dawg the first time around. Hi, knowing that God would smite him if he accepted oppression by these mortal scoundrels, resigned from his position on moral grounds. Council, festering with lust and Satan, then booted him out of their chambers for a 48 hour orgy which resulted in a motion to censure Hi’s beliefs and comments. Hi, hearing that the sex part of the council meeting was over, poked his head in the chamber and noted, “I stand before you a forsaken man. I am of our one Father. If you pass this motion, you make me a Martyr.” Just like Jesus did. Granted, the motion didn’t pass, but I imagine that’s just because by the time Hi finished his moving speech, the councilors were too drunk and stoned, not to mention tired from the orgy to raise their hands in favour, but Hi is still a martyr. He sacrificed a paid position to make God forgive us for wanting to see vaginas, both publically and privately. And on top of all that, when the Vagina Monologues were scheduled to run in the SLC, precisely what Hi warned against, God created massive amounts of rain and during His frozen inferno, campus closed down, effectively canceling the show. Hi was right, Hi sacrificed and Hi is the second coming, although He was unavailable for comment at
press time, no doubt ironing out the details of the upcoming rapture and apocalypse with The Big Guy. Oh yeah, that reminds me, the second coming of Christ means that the world is coming to an end. I approached Christians For Christ(CFC) for comment, but they just kept showing me random bible passages and blathering about the benefits of worship so I went to Jews For Judiasm (JFJ) and asked what they thought of the whole thing. “What’s so special about the second coming of a lazy carpenter?,” was their official comment. I inquired about how this would affect the international bagel market and they just stared at me, no doubt astonished by my insight. But fear not, friends, when the rapture comes, all the cool people will ascend to heaven, and everyone else will die or something, all thanks to Snack Pack Hi. Man, heaven is going to be sweet! I get aroused just imagining it. Just make sure you start apologizing now for everything — Hi sacrificed two months of slightlyabove-minimum-wage pay for the sins we have already committed, but nobody said nothing about the ones we commit between now and the rapture. So for you fornicators, just replace “oh yes” with “sorry, God” and you should be fine. firstname.lastname@example.org
Jazz it up with Ketchup Who doesn’t love Kraft Dinner? Nothing lets the cashier know that you’re a student like a shopping cart filled to the brim with those oh so good blue and orange boxes (if you have to suffer through the no name brand we’re sorry). Although the classic KD is quite tasty on its own, I still needed to satisfy my craving for that classic combination: KD smothered in ketchup. This rendition takes the
form of a dense, moist, chemicallyinduced coloured mass. Mmm-mm, good! However, be warned that the substitution of yellow-box no-name macaroni and cheese will not render the same results. The phrase Kraft Dinner with Ketchup says that you have arrived! You are willing to branch out and be adventurous. It takes a special cook to know just the right combination of KD and ketchup to avoid indigestion. While many love it, it has frequently been decried for its unnatural yellow-orange colour, its lack of nutritional value, and the artificiality of its ingredients. And who decries it? Uncultured snobs, that’s who!
Kraft Dinner ingredients 1boxKraftDinner 2 cups water
Ketchup ingredients 1 bottle ketchup, aged to perfection
Kraft Dinner instructions 1. In a pot, bring the water to a boil. 2. Add the Kraft Dinner to the pot. 3. Drain, add cheese flavouring. 4. Dish pasta onto plate and serve.
Adding ketchup 1. Open the cap and apply ketchup liberally to serving.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Classifieds (but you are still allowed to read them)
ANNOUNCEMENTS Learn bullfighting in 394 easy steps. Kitchener, March 31st — April 2nd. To register please call Bull Kabobs Inc. 2244 Steer Killing road N, Bullkillsville On. K2I LAL. Call toll free 1.888.COW.KILL. Safety, knowledge not guaranteed. Are your animal sacrifices not summoning the right demon? Learn to worship the dark lord while you drive. Available on tape and compact disk. Novice and advanced lessons in summoning unholy forces available as a night class for adult students. Toll free 1.877.666.2233 Horses boarded and stabled. Please enquire at Chatterbox Farm, Heidelberg. Ask for Dave. 3 month old shitzu puppy. Lightly used. Don’t ask. If interested, follow the screams of animalistic torment. Volunteers wanted for Young Capitalists of Canada.
HOUSING Looking for a fourth roommate. north, south, and east covered, need west. Can look like Neve Campbell. Backstabbing tendencies a plus. inquiries: email@example.com. Premium 30 bedroom castle professionally managed student complex. 4 and 8 month lease for coop students. $30,000 per month per room. Tennis court use included. Underground bat cave use extra. Call B Wayne if interested. One or two housemates wanted. Must like the cold, and prefer baths to showers. (Only bath tub.) Love of cockroaches an asset. Rent: $250/mth. Call 519.333.1111. Ask for Shady.
PERSONALS Man who plays game seeks woman who hides. I like standing in the corner, and counting backwards from 30. Any ladies who are interested, ready or not, here I come. Level 24 male night elf hunter seeking female night elf hunter for fun encounter on Antonidas. Must love animals and have aspect of the monkey. Tame my beast. Man seeks mute lesbian twins. Must be able to cook, do household chores and be clinically diagnosed nyphomaniacs. A love of dogs is a plus. Romance is dead, and so’s my mother. Help me spend my inheritence. firstname.lastname@example.org
Looking for arty boy. must like: Arcade Fire, Nouvelle Vague, Tupac Amaru Shakur, Carole King, Elvis Costello, Cat Power, Neko Case, Great Aunt Ida, Feist, My Bloody Valentine, Velvet Underground, The Cure, Plus Minus, Kings of Convenience, M83, My Chemical Romance, At the Drive-In, SleaterKinney, Spoon, The Dears, The Kills, Sufjan Stevens, The Faint, The Thrills, Metric, The Postal Service, Sarah McLachlan, The Beatles, Pixies, Bright Eyes, Dresden Dolls, New Pornographers, Final Fantasy, Ben Lee, Ben Folds, Death Cab for Cutie, The Decemberists, Panic! at the Disco, Matthew Good, Jack Johnson, Simon & Garfunkel, Sarah Harmer, Hot Hot Heat, Lisa Loeb, Weezer, Broadcast, Radiohead, Pinback, Fiona Apple, Prefuse 73, Tom Waits, The Junction, Badly Drawn Boy, Belle Orchestre, Elliot Smith, Four Tet, Jan Jelinek, Piebald, The Shins, Ladytron, Minus the Bear, m.i.a., Bjork, The Hives, Death from Above, Botch, Queens of the Stone Age, Supersystem, LCD Soundsystem, Beck, Foo Fighters, Trembling Blue Stars, The Used, Moneen, Tegan and Sara, Silverstein, Taking Back Sunday, AFI, Dashboard Confessional, David Usher, Billy Talent, Ten Second Epic, (old) Tea Party, Delerium, Danny Elfman, Autumn to Ashes, Senses Fail, The Academy Is, Kid Koala, Portishead, Bernard Butler, Pony Up!, Sean Lennon, Pink Floyd, alexisonfire, Wannadies. Call only if you like all these bands: 519.888.4567.
News from the future: Misprint editors accidentally stumbled upon a new wire service sent back in time from the year 2032. What follows is a short list of story headlines detailing the future of Waterloo.
— U-pass debate enters day 3287 — Plaque to commemorate last remaining green space on campus uses up last remaining green space on campus — Waterloo celebrates 75th anniversary in the spirit of “what are you, a pussy?” — Tuition hikes raised to first and second born child — Feds election turnout reaches decade long peak of 1 per cent — New Fedspulse implant chip promises 25 per cent more campus event awareness — Tim Hortons campus franchises now outnumber students — Fed Hall deficit cut to $3 billion
WANTED Facebook friend. If interested, just follow the lonely sobs. In need of good adspace. only require a few words. Contact immediately. I hanker for an individual talented in the arts of rhetoric, syntax, grammar and of course, spelling, to further my tutelage in the language of English. I require that he or she be apt in the discourse of semiotics, criticism, all poetic forms and have at least a passing understanding of linguistics, world history and Welsh. I seek, with a desperate passion, to expand my palaver to well beyond the common vernacular. I despise limiting my conscious thought to the primitive, colloquial diction and preliterate verbiage. Please rescue me from my linguistic prison! I implore you exigently! Green space for a game of frisbee. South campus would be ideal. Looking for boy to tend to pool. cabin-house and cocktails provided. send inquiries to email@example.com. You, to shut the fuck up.
I’m Brendan Pinto and I’m single, so tell your friends.
Looking for a large burlap sack, several rolls of strong tape, chloroform and Scarlett Johansson’s address. Serious inquiries only; no names, no faces.
Man on fire seeks woman with bucket of water.
In desperate need to go home after a long production night.
SWM seeks SMM or UWF. Must be into DDs, WOBs, STXs and GIIs with no protection. Not into any nasty shit.
To the editor, I find it appalling that Misprint shuts out its readership. You print such controversial articles with oodles of swearing, sexually explicit references and allusions to inverted rusty trombones. Any respectable publication would let the readership respond to these blasphemous bits, but you don’t. Shame on Misprint, its editors, and that guy who cut me off this morning. Fuck him and fuck the Ford Taurus. Randy Foxley
To the editor, All the alliterations adorning Misprint are absolutely absurd. Everyone everywhere eyes alliteration with enmity. Seymour Seamus Silas Shamrock Someone
To the editor, Your coverag e of campus events and news is fair, balanced and thorough. Despite being a superlative of journalistic integrity, you are still able to make the
news presented rich and engaging. Despite all the time you must spend writing the testament to human ingenuity we call Misprint, you remain among the sexiest people on campus – nay. sexiest people in the world. I can’t think of a more noble raison d’etre than to read your paper over and over again. Totally not just the Misprint editor 4B being smarter than you studies
To the editor, My God, I just realized that my letter to you was a disgrace, and in no way did Misprint justice. Upon realizing how insufficient my letter was in bringing to light the truly sacred nature of your existence, I turned to self-flagellation to purge myself of the inadequacies of my prose. Forgive me oh holiest of news outlets. May the blood spilled through my repentant whipping purge my soul of the black mark incurred by hitting the “send” button on my browser before ensuring the letter that praises you was truly worthy of your gaze. I strive only to be a shadow of your literary perfection yet in this task I still find myself wrapped in the shame of failing to capture your resplendence. Still not the editor 3A not being worthy studies
To the editor, Alas, I have seen the folly of my ways. In merely putting my fingers to the keyboard, the purity of my devotion to the glorification of you name is diminished. It is only through self-sacrifice, writing this letter in my own blood, on parchment derived from my own dried skin, that I can properly convey to you the love I have for your work. I have sold all I own leaving all money earned for your use. *Appended by author’s mother So great was your influence that my only son took his own life and had his body frozen so that his organs could be harvested and used by any Misprint staff member as they see fit. He felt simply writing a letter, even one in his own blood, was no way to show proper deference to the genius of your publication. I couldn’t understand why my son would have such devotion to a newspaper, but after reading Misprint, I have decided to have dozens more children expressly so that they might grow up one day to know the joy that is reading your paper. You have given so many others and me a reason to live. Had I the courage of my late son, I too would sacrafice myself at the altar of your most holy capus news outlet. So totally not the editor posing as that guy’s mom 2B never lie and communications.
Friday, March 30, 2007
just f ’n 8
Year in Review
“Terrorism case moves forward for CTRL-A alumni”
January 5, 2007 - The allegations towards CTRLA terrorist activities date as far back as 2005, when the club first started funnelling member fees towards building giant robots. Said robots were recently seen leveling Tokyo. The United States justice department has called for the extradition of the CTRL-A executive. However, CTRL-A president Otaku McHenti defended the robots stating, “Of course they were destroying Tokyo. That’s just what giant robots do.”
“Upside-down shaftless arrow confounds UW administration”
November 5, 2006 - The Central Services build-
ing is marked with a odd symbol. UW officials were unable to discern the seemingly random image. “What is it pointing to? The ground?!” commented one faculty member. “And why would they start drawing an arrow, but then leave before they finished?”
“Suzuki’s big surprise!”
February 13, 2007 - David
Suzuki comes to UW as a guest speaker but spends the entire time boasting of his enormous package. Said one disappointed UW student, “I thought he was going to talk about the environment, but he just kept bragging and bragging”
“Kevin Royal wins popular vote”
February 15, 2007 - After a long, grueling campaign, Kevin Royalwins popularity contest by a landslide. A visibly elated Royal commented “I’m so flattered and proud to have won a place in your hearts, and in your facebooks.”
“Needless Hell to start including sexual history with application packages”
January 12, 2007 - Hotly contested
by students, the coop program now requires students to include their sexual history. ES students filed countless petitions about how much paper would be wasted. Mathsoc responded, “that’s not really a problem for Math students, but don’t tell anybody.”
“UP-ass traumatizes the geeks”
March 23, 2007 - Student vote for
mandatory wedgies for all losers at UW brings up concerns by the Geek Relief Patrol. The GRP forms support groups with the psych department for a non-refundable fee each term.
Published on Apr 7, 2009
Published on Apr 7, 2009
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