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page Fire 611th

TUESDAY, APRIL 1,20

Feds to be sold to Tories Four-don-dollar deal a mutually strategicmove Leonardo-AvonWoodpile

What do you do now that you - have lost a F d s election?

"Mostly drinking. I hate my life without the Feds." Lee-AaronWudrick Fifth-year rhetoric

"Trying to get a job sewing ice cream at Scoops but they sav I'm over aualified. I hate m i life withok the Feds." Sch-Rob Midt

.

Sixth-year sensitivity

"Please help me look for my contact lens." WudrickAaron-Lee

"This place is a money pit. I would have closed it down." Schrob Midt

Fifth-year propaganda

Sixth-year conflict studies

CHIEF NAVEL-GAZER

University officials announcedmday that the Federation of Students wdl henceforthoperateunder the auspices of the Ontario PC Party, as part of a new supervisorystructure for the Feds, mwhat is describedby the twopaates as a mutually strategic move. The report is bemghaded by c m pus Tones as a "natural fit" for both orgamzations. 'Well obvi~usly this is agoodidea 1,200 students voted for the 'wrong' candidatem the Feds election. Clearly I was*the 'right' candidate," stated outgomg UWPC president Aaron he-Wudnck "Besides,I'mttredofall this 'right-wingconspiracy'crap. It's only aconspmcy ifds secretandeveryme knows anyway." In return for control of the Feds, theUniversityof Waterlooistorece~ve If4dlionfromthe Ontmo PC Party, aswellas20,000'WeBelievemEves" buttons. School colours are henceforth to be blue and white and a number of buildings have been renamed in honour of prominent Ontano Tones. UW president Dr. Dave brushed aside suggestions that the move was pol~ticmngthe schooL 'We already had the Davis Centre, whtch was namedafteraTol)rpremier.Sowhat's the big deal ifwe have the Tony Clement Institute for Health Studies,John SnobelenArts LibraryandJm'Right Stuff FlahertyCentre?" Whenasked forcomment,mcm-

SPECIAL TO MISPRINT

In the first episode of Trading Papers

"One step clojer and I'll shove this ice-cream up your nose. I mean it." rob

Fifth-year capitalism

Sixth-year looking for a date in math

Did not answer; passed out. Unknown

Could not answer; mouth frozen. Mrumph

Unknown

Unintelligible

mg PC-Feds executives Seedy Left, FadedJohn andCappedDavid stated their enthusiastic suppoa for the merger. "I used to think the Tories were too corporate and capitalistic for my tastes," satdpresident-elect SeedyLeft while stuffinga large wad of bills into hisbackpocket.'%ut after discussions with the party, I think it's gang to work out well " 'Normally, I'mnot nallymtopohtics" added VP internal-elect Faded John, toymgwith his new Rolex "but the PCsseem to know how to b m g people onside." John and David then sped off m Dawd's new BMW 2 4 roadster.

McHugh-Liam Russell, VP-ed cation elect,was unavailable for coj ment, having mysteriously disa peared He has not been seen stncel Monday. In spite of the merger, both P Feds and the UW PCs are to conttn operatingas separate entities. VP 1 temal/UWPC president-elect Mi Kerr-again explamed this as being goodwayto avad allegations of cc flicts ofmterest." "I'm very excited about the c a mgyear," conttnuedKerr-aw. "'I gether, PC-Feds and the UWPCs a ensure that the Waterloo studentc a m d t y maintains the nght directit for the future."

Trading papers srepaP gnidarT

"I just got back from a PC convention. Please leave me alone." Wudrick Lee-Aaron

Academics CommissionerIUW PC VP Raymond Gillis and VP EducationIUW PC Past President Ryan O'Connor show off th PC-Feds new logo.

f h e d at the Universityof Waterloo, midterms were nvapped between two statisticsclasseswith ~dcnucalcurnculum: Stat 230 and Envs 178 After the stats midterm m ESI 132,confused enmonmental studies studentsweresepwanderingthehalls afterwards.

industr).quest~ons." 1 ie then picked up his trmsmrssion and left. Trading Papers wdl be aired on the new specialty channel M T V (Math Television) weeknightsat 10.30p.m. after "prime timc" featuring tire or se\~enctrnsccuuve~isodesof .~Q.wTP~.

WORDS, from page 9

o

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Next week: a &view of the new Do-ltYourself Labotomv on the Brain ~ e t k r k


SNOOZE

Snwze truth c r u d e r Snoozy S n w z a Snwze asswtnot S n m ~ g Smm~er Jr

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I

Astro Bey rrd Batern fm I -paw 55

~ z z a a ~ ~ uwaterloo n n t ca

distance bylaws

Lack of tear gas deplored: senate report

New separations apply to universities, students

Robben Schmitten

City of Waterloo adds more minimum-

MISPRINTSTAFF

Truth Crusader number one

Ing to continue thelr longstanding tradition of bemg a glorified high school. Future expans~on plans for Lamer Citingthesuccessofits75-metre-mum distance separation W S ) re- d u d etakmgoverLittle MissLauner's quirement for student lodging Km-andBabfs First Daycare houses,the CityofWaterlcothisweek to help accommodate the younger passed two bylaws that apply MDS quadruplecohort. In addition to the new university reprements to bothuniversitiesand MDS, a new student MDS of 7.5 mdividual students 'What is important is diversity," metres betweenalluniversitvstudents whennot mcIass has also beenmtrostated Mayor Lynne Woolysoft,"and how divershedisit to have twoworld- duced '7 have tosay,this sucks," lamented class umversities -well, one world class andoneaverageone -only two f o d - y e a r political science student AndreaLagzon,eatmgherlunch while blocks apart? "I mean, really, people1 What we various fnends sat more than 7 5 meneedis for the universitiesto be more tres away doingthesame,"but I guess evenly dispersed throughoutthe city, the city feels its important to keep us so that they can help contribute to apart m order to make sure we don't more integrated and balanced com- burn down houses and stuff." Woolysoft explained that the 7.5 munities,creatmgamorepositivehvmg environment for all residents m metresbetween studentsallowsother W'aterloo," Woolysoft said citizensofWaterlooto fillm the gaps When asked about Conestoga a d e a c h the community. College the mayor responded 'We're 'We have to allow for the growth already stretching things including of each person. Domg this will help Launer as a university Don't press students and the rest of our comniu your luck " The mayor then began mty," she smd 'Whenwe allstartcommunicatq cha.nt~ng,"B~gMoney,NoWhammy." with each other more, we'll be more As a result of the new 7 5-kmum versity MDS bylaw, Wilfrid Launer acceptmg and we'll have stronger Umversxty has two weeks to move bonds m our community. Our comPotenttallocations mclude the old site mu& needs to learn to commune of the Lulu's nightclub m south andwecan do that by enforcmg diverKitchenerand an empty field near the sity." Despite opposition from those townof St.Tacob's. Many analysts believe that they may pst endupmovmg students who feel the necessity for mto the old KitchenerColleptebwld- human mteractim, some support the

ban. "Not only does it keep stinky guys away from me during late nights m the lab," explained third-year electrical engmeering malor Sparky, "but it also keeps away aggressive recruiters, bullies. . . and girls." Otherswere more concerned with the applicationofthelaw than expressing an opmon of it. When ap proached for comment, f o u r t h - v,e- a r A UW peace officer writes ticket to student who csrs major was within 7.5 metres of another S t e p h e n Szrydkzlzdo said "don't come any report you." closer,you're alreadyw i h nine metres.A fewmore stepsandl'llhaveto tcrusader@mispr~nt.uwaterloo.ca

New used store revealed Forgotten promise finally implemented Looney Di Looneyoh VERY SPECIAL TO MISPRINT, EH

Chns Di Looney, vice president 11don-dollar-lawsmt, has finallyde livered on what we assumed was a genericcampagnnon-statementThe Used Bookstore will diversify its revenue throughgeneralization, becomingThe Used Store As reported earlier this year in the not-so-satiricalpress,the cedmgtsleaking m the bookstore and Di Looney sees it as an opportwuty "Wewant to sell out everydung," said Chns Dl Looney, "and the leaky ceding has reallv been a boon to our busmess." he used store w d begm selltng the water startmg next week. "To think mere weeks earlier,we were throwing this valuable commodity out," DI Looney said. Steel buckets not m cluded.

New used products will include gum scrapeddady fromthebottom of desks and cham, food left over from Ground Zero, extraneous student representatives and, of course, the waterfromtheleakycehg.'Yes,the water is a btt salty but you develop a taste for lt over time," claimed bookstore manager who has changed his name t0U.U. (UsefullyUsed) toshow p s t how dedicated he is. At the end of every business day 'left over" food will be sold to students through the used store 'We prefer to calla abandoned,rather than used food" sa~dRuss T Hinge, GZ manager. 'We just don't understand why&&tsleave beforegettingtheir food It cddn'tpossibly be the serv

ice" fn an attempt to further expand thepotentdproductlmes,astrategic dealwas proposed to the Apple IIe+

THIS IS TT

Feds employee U. U. and VP Booze n' Money DiLooneyfill used water bottles from the leaking water tube in the ceiling. Hairstyling Salon to obtain cut hair. Mispnntwas led to believe that a deal is also m the works with the Kampus Kops to resell se~zedpersonal items from frosh kicked out of residen'ceto make room for semor administrators' illegitimate mistresses. Muprint inspected the Feds press release for evidence of English language but severalexpertswe just hap pen to have on staff could not decode WVerbosiqs allegedEnglish When we contacted him he said, "First you

get diversification, thenyougetpavatization, then you get the women," then he wandered off whde mumbling something about Scarface We also thought - about mterviewmg- the president of the Feds, but we weren't able to because we forgot her m e (we hi& it rhymes with Tonka) and didn't know how to get a hold of her. We were pretty sure she was busy gettmgmarned or somethmganyway. Nogeese were harmedmthe mak mgof thisarttcle,not for lackoftrying.

A senate committee report released thisweekroundly cdticizedUWPolice for their "msufficlent use of force during student protests." The report, cornpledby the Canadian SenateComrmttee, investigated the use of force by Canadian police agencies durmgprotests,stating that "during protestsover campusbarclosmgs, not a single studentwas beaten, shot, tear gassed or subected to pepper spray. This unwllLngness to use unnecessary force should be of great concern to all UW staff, students and faculty." M~rintapproarhedsevedsources for their reactions to the report, mcludingmembers of the RCMP Says staff sergeant Donald Brighton, "the Kampus Kops have got to learn that brutahty is a 'use it or lose it'kmd of deal Pepper sprayhas a shelf Itfe-if you don't use a up when you get the opportunityitgoesbadandthat's just an irresponsible waste of tax payers' money." "It's all about balance," adds constable f'atricia Jones. 'You can't let protestors have toomuchleverage,no matterwhatthey'reprotesting, or the littlebastardsgetcocky.Evendthey're not doing anything, sometimes you have to spray them, pst to keep everythlngmcheck The protestsoverthe bar closings were a perfect opportu nity for some good pepperings -I think the Kampus Kops really droppedthegascanister onthis one." Misprintalsospokewith one of the organizers o f the Fed Hall/ Bombshelter protests, Dimm Schmollison,who alsowelcomed the senate report. "I was really disappomtedwiththe way UW handled the protests," sad Schmollison."How canweprotestors expect to have any legtmacy if nobody g t s hurt, We tried everydungat that protest, we really &d; msults, general ruckus -I even poked one officer with a stick. She just took the stick and told me to move alohg. I mean, what are we paying them for?" UWpresidentDr. Davealsospoke withMisprintabout the report, saying "I blame the problem of the Kampus Kops squarely on mismanagement by the Feds exec. As aprecaution,the administrationhasdecided to teargas the Feds ourselves." When asked how he could decisivebconnecttheFeds executiveto an orgamzationoverwhichthey have no e controlwhatsoever, ~ a vpretended to answer the phone and ignored the intervieweruntil she left The senaterepcondudes by recommending a "no questions asked" policyto beatings by officers.


page Big Brother

TUFSDAY, APRIL 1,20C

Monkevs imtxove service at library

Shut up and listen

Providmg value by providing knowledge and information University promises this won't affect the -orHow to make the world a better place by criticising student politic service at Needless Hell Mostly Neal UNIQUETO MISPRINT

After ignoring complaints from faculty, studentsandstaff,universityofficials suddenlydecided to replace the librarybagcheckee~~~thsimians "Students kept sayingthat evena monkey could do that job, and, well, we just thought, why not?" said retiringhead librarian Murray "the Monkey" Sheppard While monkeys could probably work in the cashier's office as well, adnun has promised not to disrupt that rare habitat for the disenfmchised Monkeys were alsoconsidered for positions in the Student Awards office,butreducmgwaittuneswould e l m a t e that disincentive to being poor. National Geographic star gorilla Koko now greets studentsleavingthe DanaPorter library."Kokowant look bag. Kokonolikebook," signedKoko in an exclusive interview.Whenasked what she thought of the godla, arts studentDianGoodall said, "It'sgreat. The gorillas can check bags with all four hands It's like twice as fast, or something "MisprintstafferRachelle Notsotightass was quoted as saying, "He pinched all four of my cheeks1 Hooray for Kokol" Koko's mate, Michael,is incharge of the DC bag-checkers The mountamgo& were hired followingalack in competent staff wding to sit for

extended ~eriodsof time with nothing to do. The mountain apes spend portions of their day signing,painting and composing music Koko's latest CD, lam notachimp,is availableat the Turnkey desk, when it's open, for $2.99. UWadmtilistrationisecstatic over their performance. 'They work for peanuts, they don't sleep on the job, they don'tpick up the students,'' sad UW HR representative Mak Emcn. To date, fewpeople have leftwiththeir bags unchecked;only three have been hospitalized for resisting. When not checkmg bags, Koko and Co. also do library security.DecencyofficerBuck Harding has reported a 100 per cent drop in between-the-stacks copulations. Nothing is a better contraceptivethana silverbackinheat The success of Koko has lead the library to replace all of its staff posi tions with great apes. Dr Zaius is a front-runner for the position of head librarian. Koko, buoyed by praise of her recent work, has also thrown her feces into the ring. Not all the responses to this bold new move have been positive. 'UW should be an equal opportunity employer," said Roberton Smythe, spokcspcrsonfor People for the Equal employment of Homonids. "Just becauseasimianmighthave agreater IQ than a UW student, doesn't m k n that the student should be denied the lob "

Hi-tech students feel slump Rajan Chicken-Wing TECHY REPORTER

Students in formerly high demand high techprogramsare dejected at the prospect of not getting drained to Sihcon Valley. Since the economy is slug-likeand stockpricesfor high tech companies are festering in the toil13 there isn't a demand forthe services of a Java programmer or an ISIC chip designer or even a Web guy. "Illhave to staym Canada," waded ome umdentified CS stud after returning from a career fair. Students like Rob Schmantmoare facing the harsh reality that they w d have to stay in Canada and receive salaries s d a r to regular math and science gads but slightly more than arts gads Schmantmo a student in computer engineeringhad high hopes for a glaringly bnght future when he entered the program during the high flyingtimes of 1998when the bubble of technologywas i n f l a t . Now that the bubble has popped and left a wet spot on the pavement, dungs aren't

the same Gill Raits who used to come to campus to interviewthe hottest nerd geeks and fly them back to his tech palace to interviewthem for jobs where they got their own offices and dtdn't have to sitincubicles,doesn'tanymore "When I started schoolI was looking for ward to making six figures whichis$100,000ormoreoralterntively greaterthan$99,999,but now I am looking at making five figure or even fourandahalf," s;udSchmantmo Another student,MichelleWhitey, who is specializing m scientific com putmg in CS had similar concerns about the darker future Whitey said, "Since I am going to have to stay in C-da things aren't as bright because of the tilt of the earth and Canada is located at more north ern latitudes " "Iwas hopingtogothe U.S. toget away from my boyfriend, but now we'll probably keep going out," she said Studentsare still applying to these programs because, like, I don't know what else to do.

UWWHINER.COM You, my fellow students, should have figured out by now that I have been on this campus for at least two quinquennia and that I have a detaded record, often even an audio recording, of everythingthat has ever transpired at UW.Everyone also knows that I'm dedicated to providing value and serving students, even if the thmgs I am writing about mght bore you to slumber. It is vitally important that people understand why I do what I do and why I am correct in whatever I say or write.

Why listen to me? The most obvious reason is that I'm much, much smarter than you are. I mtpick every little thing to death, obsess on obscure and often scarcelyrelevant factorsandpore over the most monotonous and

mind-numbing details of issues that most of you don't care about at all. Would I be capable of this if I were stupid?That is htghly unl~kely This suggests that I am in fact more informed about the issues than you are, which in turn makes it reasonable for you to assume that I am knowledgeable about what I write about and that therefore my conclusionsaretherefore correct So there

to understand why I am right. However, this is only half of the equation Just as important is knowing why you are stupid and don't understand the issues as we1 as I do. Many students already have a good grasp of the fact that they are ignorant, but blind acceptanceof what's right (id est what I say) is not enough It is necessary to put i in writing, preferably in the form o a letter to thc cdttor supporting mc and admitting your own idiocy

Critics, take heed Taking action 1 often criticize many of the actions taken by student leaders and encourage others to do so as wcll Inany society,critical analysis is unportant and every person is a fair target for constructivecriticism Ilowever, this only applies to human beings and, as some of you may have heard, I am not a human being. I am an android. If you don't believe me, just check uwstudent.org/story/8113. It's all there.

Face it, you are ignorami Having established that I am an android,with intellectualsuperiority and immunity to criticism, it is easy

As a student body, we must keep our leaders, people in posi tions of public trust, accountable fc their actions and inactions I have vigilantly been doing that for maq years and wdl continue to do so. Many of you may wish to do so as well, but it is not necessary, becausc I stand as the sentinel of the student good Also, if someone other than me attempted to keep our leaders accountable,they woulc only end up makmg themselves look foolish So rest easy, Waterloc I wdl keep you abreast of all developments

Chicken bone love Bestiality's best for Herambone, local guy Harem Ramachandrogen SPECIALTY BEEF

Hot off the presses1 Herambonc, a well-respected member of the UW community,was spotted engaging in a marathon of bestiality m the St Jacob's region. The UW Police later apprehended hun after a 13 5econd chase through some shrubbcq TTe was caught stil1"attached"toachickn Thepohcewereinshock They had enjoyed a three-course meal at I G C just minutes earlier This image would be embedded in their minds forevcr a man and his chicken Questionsbegan to surface How could an individualwith such pi om isc rape a chicken>IIerambone \\ as a renowned poet and political activist He lobbied rigorously for the nudity act at UW, which would prohibits clothing after 9 p m His poetrt7has been compared t o Keats m d WordsworthJust without all the s) m bolism and shit Psychiatrists questioned Herambone about his mental status duringthe act "Herambone,wereyou on drugs?" said a psychiatrist with a s h y hat "It was consensual. Good God man! Them feathers are sexy," s;ud Herambone.

Some local activists pmped on Herambone's bandwagon "Clearly Herambone is protesting the impending war where the animals represent the austerityoftheU S. Usmgcomplicated metaphors, I Ierambone is fucktn' with the states He's sort of ltks France!" said local activist number one. "Buthe speaksEnglish," said local activist number Crrirr LW".

u~t's a goddamn meta. phor,youdipshit,"retorted localactivist number one. Herambone was asked xvhetherthis"meta~hOrfor war"wasindeedhis reason. Well no mofol I was ptgemngfreakywithsome cursedHerambone. L

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Poet and activist Herambone wa caught with a chicken by UW Polic ~ o n d aHe ~ .sent us this photo fro1 prison. Actually, it is the his colum photo and the only photo we have ( him. We thought we would mayb put a chicken in it, but it is gettin late and this will have to do.Appa1 ently sometime when I was out chicken was added.

Oh, so Herambone was protestingpoliceviolence inNorway What a clever individual. Those "pigs" hadit coming.And all this time,we thought he was your average, run of the mdl sodomite "I am't no protestor, biatch! I just like sexudmtercoursewithsomelocal ammals. Why don't yuse guys mind

yer' own busmess Get your ou farml" yelledHerambone Clearly Herambone was in a sta of den~al.His anunalurgeswere slr ply a cry for help on account of E inability to remember some Beat songlyrics


TUESDAY,APRIL 1,2003

Forty per cent of UW profs are robots: study Lola S. Breastless

MISPRINTSTAFF Students remam m a state of shock following the results of a study that claims 4Oper cent of UW's active faculty are robots The Society for the Prevention of Robotic Teachers (SPORg,a Waterloo b a s e d c o m t tee of behavioural scientists,revealed lastweekthat many ofourteachersare nothing more than computer chips, pogs, and steel SPORT submitted random members of the UW faculty to a senes of pavate interviews,however,in many cases,thcydiscoveredthe robotspwely byaccident When asked whether she would participate in the study, hnglish lit professor Peggy Armstrong replied, "I admire your mterest, but I don't have tune "Ths seemedareasonable response, until the examiner asked where the bathroom was and Armstrong replied, "1 admire your mterest, hut I don't have time " Severalficultymemberswere scep tical of the study's results and dls missed them outnght "Thm is the most preposterous rubbish I've ever heard in my life," said Dr Michael Paulsen, tenured professor of economics When asked how hc would go about challengmg the results,

Paulsen replied, "Malfunctionl Ma1 function! Must destroy everything." For many students, the findmgs m the SPORT report confirmwhatthey already suspected Take History 575, for example, whcfse students won deredwhy their prof s course syllabus included statements like "I'm defi nitely not a robot" and "My innards are lust ltke yours-please don't askto see them " Other studentsreacted with amix of astonishment and surpnse "The monotone voice didn't stnke me as odd," says first year Johann Goat, "itwaswhenhis head exploded that I knew stmething was up " "Thisis all startmgtomakesense," commented first-year student Jesse hcky about his CS prof "I always wondered about h s bionic arm " Second yearstudentMattSpattfeels simdarly "It was weird to hear hun [theprofj boast about takingover the world Oh yeah,and thatwhole bionic arm h g " For non-computenzed mcmhers of the faculty, SPOKl"s revelations were met with disbelief "Quae hon estlp, this is surprising," admitted Shamtt A h a , associate provost "Okay,I canunderstandif10percent were robots but 40," Feds president Shrnenda Flomka

Feds to open centre tor arbitrary number theory Cost up in the air untd results arrive Our only mathie reporter SPECIALEST TO MISPRINT

The Feds have declared their intention to put the $11 million dollars they expect to be awarded m their lawsuit against the unimeversity togooduse The Centre for Arbitrary Number Theory wdl help the Feds and other students in the future justify numbers such as the current $11 m~llionlawsuit "Clearly I l wpme,"sadresearcher Fred JohnPaul "Of course there arc other prime numbers but it is the smallest one greater than 10 " 'The worldis fullof arbitrarynum bers. Lookat tuitionlevels, forexample, to say nothtng of the pace of gas or yourgrades," he said "Research on the topic of arbitrary numbers is long overdue." 'We were trying to determme the costofthe centre, butwe reahzedthat to find the pnce we need the very expertise that we are trying to develop," continued Paul. Paulsadthat d e t e m g t h e pace of;he centre would be one of the first projects. Arbitrary number theory, once perfected, could be the longawaited superioralternative to throwing really big dice. . StudentsatUW have long awaited

Pricing the centre using conventional methods would require a die with 100 million, or a billion, or whatever, faces.

the centre's arnval "At least (student rolls die hidden from interviewer) 12 times last week," said one student m the Comfy Lounge, "(die roll) these men m suits (another die roll) who looked like they could rip atree out of theground came mand confiscatedall my dice. I'm sick of it!" To solve the problem of the pnce ofthe centreusmgconventionalmethods would require a die with approxlmately I00 million, or a bdhon, or whatever, faces,with adollar sign beside eachnumber. Setting up the institute will cost roughly 3,747,298.79d20 rollsandthe researchers hope to be done sometime next ycar.

Happenings around here

Anaela Bosom

CAMPUS CLIPS Catharine Schott promoted to VP sMothering

Professors in their 'optimus prime' of life. hadamore optun~sticresponse "I'm std shocked,but hey, nowwe can do what we've always wanted to disas semble our teachersand auction their bra~nsoff for cost " Whdcmostrobohcprofessorsare

rounded up and sent to an impound lot, the rest remam at large Come spring, the mversity w d be replacing them all with computers Ibreastless@m~spr~nt uwaterloo.ca

Thirty students die so far in thirty-day famine

Former library staff don't like being treated like shit John Geoff Ed Hairless MISPRINT BARBER

"Fat balding jerk," admonishesJane ~olboolq former libkianin the Davis Ccntre,of her firstunpressionofJohn Feddywhenhe arrived as library chef a few months ago. "He asked me what function I served," recalls David Sorfifth,aUW librarian for 15 years untd last week, "and I told hun that I handle the books and check to see that students aren't running off with our books Well, he lust laughed at me. "Well that's not a lot ofwork for the money we're paymgyou," he sad Then I told h m where to go And then he started crying, just to get me to feel sorry for hun I suppose He sad that all he wants todois help Well he helpedme lust fine "'cause now I can treat my kids to a new city where I can go look foragoodlob," Sorfifthsaidandthen started to cry It appears that the business of the university is hittifig some people's lives a little too hard judging from the commentsmademthe protestgroups that crowd the university's Lbranes, classrooms, bddings and WTIRG These people aren't necessarilylooking for money What I find they most often ask for is the pnde that they once had "I cann't feelz ma toez," Sue Brachet saidwhen she was fired from the Davis Centre library on March 9

.

UWis gettmganewvicepresident as of the first of May, the position is new but the holder is not Catharine Schottwd be vice president surrogate mothering, Vl' sMothering "Since so many of our studentsare away from home and away from their mothers, the university needs to start fulfilhg that role of a replacement parent," said Damk Chatma, some officialuniversity guy Now m addition to her regular duties of human resources, student services she will also be in charge of student life and makmg you eat your broccoli A group of engineemg students in Columbia Lake Internment Townhouses has developed a technique to enteradeath-ltketrance state to avoid the purview of Schott's authority ''We would prefer to be student [shot?]dead rather than un der her responsibility," said R2E1, systems d e s p student,mMorse code through a beeping orange light

Thirty students have died and 23 are in cnticalcondit1on25days into the ?&-day f a m e Famine organuer Niel O'Nancywas shockedabout "My prezdent haaatzme," she added She said that she would like to know the news "The famine was to last 30 hours! I don't understand what hap what sparked the mean and violent attitude towards university employ- pened," she said, visibly shaken The annverwasfoundmthenearby ees She asked what happened to the pade the~filvers~tyhadmitsworkforce GradHouse,where the PCCA heldan emergencymeeting early this week to and the big "huildmg a talent trust" celebrate line that was used so often when the 'We were disappointed that the university asked for charity money Homberwasn't open for celebration," from its \taff said PCCA president Lee-Aaron Other librarians don't have as many K7udnck '?Ve had to go to the Grad concerns 'Yeah, I got fired but House instead! This is deplorable there'sawargomgon:'sadHalS~e, "We thought the f a m e couldgo formerd~rectorofpart tune (student) a bit better with our mterventio staff training "So what?You think a ahem - help," Wudrick said 'We few fitvlgsare as importantas f i n d q thought 30 hours lustwasn't enough out what's going to happen to this We're kind of disappointed about the country? You'd be a fool to publish small number of deaths, but it's not about this " bad We expect better results next Most students have been unsym year" pathetic to the libranans'case "Does this mean I w d pay less tuition next year or more again,you think?" asked WPIRG board filled with Laura Harthe, 2B computer science conservatives 'Those crappylibrarians-I don't see them helping me pass any tests They RecordlowattendanceatWPIRGs don't keep an exam archive for me," annualgeneralmeetmgyesterdaysaw explainedJustin baurino, 2B chems a right-wing sweep of the W I R G board of directors try "Now that the 'right' people con"Screw youall," yells Kelly Forna formerlya seniorlibrarian,ata dozens trol WPIRGwewon't be needingthat referendum on fees," PCCA presi studentswalking to their next class m dent Lee-Aaron Wudnck told MzsfrontofMC 'You'llnever forget the day you turned your backs onus We pnnt. Wudnck's first planas president of librarianswill have our revengel" A book inis scheduledfortheSLC WPIRG is to change the name to Waterloo Pnvate Interest Research multi purpose roomonTuesday,May Group 6at3pm -

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page Mr. Government

TUESDAY,APRIL 1,200

Feds demand frosh week Mind Blender STAFF PET

Inspired by their recent battleswith the administration in seeking a joint liquor licence, the Federationof Stu dents is trying toget their frosh week licence back They relinquished their licence m 1997 when newly-mplemcnted PACO (Provost's Advisory Committee on Onrientation) ndes required the licence to be in the name of someone over 30 years of age Feds VP Verbosity Ryan OTalker stumbled across the an old memo from 1997lastweek,mthcmidst ofa franticsearch foramckeyofJD,which alertedhimtothe fact that PACOwas not, m fact, agovernment regulatory agency but anarbitrarycreationofadmintstrationhenchwomanCathame Snott Therefore, PACO has only the weight of the universitybehind it and no legal authonty Upon t h ~ discovs ery andpolishingofftheJD, OTalker immediatelystormedto Snott'soffice mNeedless Hell to diplomatically request the Feds'become the soleholder of the licence. He was turned away by her secretary,who said Snott had left

for the day. However, video surveillance cameras show Snott cltmbmg out of her office window at that tune. When finaly approached for comment, Snott defended her position, citing a unanimous "vote" by admm to assign the licence to her 'We really felt it wasn't appropriate, given the liability and the amount of fun that was beinghad, thatwe could let h g s contmue as they were," she said. "PACO was really the best for all involvedandtherewasstrong representation from students In fact, students had a malority on the co-t tee-that's nght,itwas really student mtiated!" Snott's death stare then began to take hold and the media scrum fled the room in fear. OTalker disagreedwith Snott,and reacted stronglyto proposed changes to frosh week that would have frosh wear non-descript grey shirts and sit on bencheswatchingDr. Davelecture them oninnovationon agiantprojection screen. 'We're looking at a few possibilities" saidOTalker."Formstance,there are severalpeople oncampuswhoare over 30 The only catch is to find

-

-

Admin karaoke as seen at this year's frosh week celebration is sure to be a hit next yea1 Unfortunately not all singers are crowd favourites. someone naivc enough to accept the liability for the entire university" OTalker thenassignedFedsexecutive researcherBrandon Sour to scour the campus for aperson meeting the outhedcnteaa The Fedsare also nunored to be considering a lawsuit m the $50 million dollar range, with the proceeds gomg towards fundmg an w -

JustinTime, campus cop, spills the beans

limited mversal booze pass, to be usedat on-campusand local bars, for all students of legal age In the meantune, preparations for frosh week 2003, tentatively dubbed 'Welcome to Waterloo -now let's get to work," have begun in earnest Soon-to-be frosh leaders are studiously poringoverthe 18,000 page 12

volume PACO Manifestomorder I learn the rules down pat and ensure safe, secure, moffensive, cultural senstitive, environmentally sustaii

able,progressive,positive~-reinforce

non heterocentric, nutritionally d verse, financially accessible week ( orientation, free of all the evils assoc ated with actually having fun

Music sells more tickets: study

However,Mqbnnthas discoverc that the funding for his research m have mfluencedthe results The Con Psychology grad student Stu Ding mittee Agarnst Soundless Adverti released the results of anmvestigation mg donated $400 to thc rcscarc project, most of which Stu spent c he was conducting earlier this week sem~formale ~ e ntic t He found a direct rela tionship between the ets When asked aboi Peo~le were volume ofmusic being his benefactors, Du played and the number said, "MY results a of tickets sold for an far more likely event to stop and entirely independel Watching from his from the recon table m the SLC, Ding a if mended results 1 w observedvarioustables Eminem was given with fun1 mg How darc you a in the SLC advcrtismg socialevents. He found playing loudly- cusemeof~sifymgt . results of two houi that people were far labourl" more likely to stop and Stu Ding has announced that h buy a ticket to a semi-formalevent if EminemorJaRule(featuringAshanti, next study shall determine if there ic of course) was playing loudly, than if relationship between ticket sales ar therewerejustacoupleattractivepeo- whether the table backs onto tl Multipurpose Room or faces it ple sitting quietly. Bread Spread NUMBER JUNKIE

Justin Time SPECIAL TO MISPRINT

Monday I got into work lust on time I won dered about the kind of bad things that could happen to studentsif I was late f6rmy shift I got mentally prepared for the work, flexed my camera controlling finger and relaxed my mmcnse buttoch. This job can be really tough, but it makes me feel good knowing that by cycling through the security cameras I'm making this campus safe I observed a couple of students who clearly were in distress, looked hke one had a broken leg or somethmg Since I couldn't reach the radio, I figured it would work itself out If it were really important, they'd call Tuesday Mlssed some calls while m the washroom, some kid apparentlybroke his 1% Deleted phone messages If they were reallyunportaat,they7dcallback. I dallied over to a computer lab in the science building for analleged keyboard theft M Campbell, a science student, said he was roughed up and his keyboard stolen right from his hands while posting on news site nn~rtudeizt. org Ile Jauned the offender was extremely opmonated and an obvious

lefty since they disagreedwithwhathe was posting on that Web site Also claimed they taunted him saying, 'You can use the mouse to read but we think it is better if you don't post " I hate students so much

Wednesday Normallytodaywe would be secunng the penmeter of the SLC, ensurmgno dmnkenrevellersgotanyfree ice cream or moved bike racks, but thankfully the bar is closed and my hfe is even easier. Today was an eventful day at the library Caught one male observmga blanketed couplethatwcre clearlyutilizing library resources while waggling on the floor We felt the male observer was a threat and took him back to the station. Left him in the drunktank for a few days to put some fear in him and let hm go after he was sufficiently neglected. Thursday Receivedacallaboutrehgious recnuters on campus. I spent half an hour t a k q down the personal information of the caller and then told them I'dbe fightthere The best part is, they believed me. Ha ha. I love my job Deleted phone messages.

Friday There were four callsabout break-ms, two concerning assaults and one

about vandalism. Deleted phone messages.Was happily engagedplayingwith the secretvideocameraswhen a top priority call came in Yes,it's the day we all tram for, the act so devious that we have an emergency kit just to respond to this mcident arollerbladeron campus I took one of the two cars thatwere m e & atcly dispatched for such a situation. We saw that the rollerblader had fallen and hurt his left leg, drove m closer to get a better look, but "acci dentally" ran over his right leg Didn't thtnkBobwouldacceptthedare Owe him $5 Leisurelycalled for anambulance Rollerbladerwasn'tgoinganywhere I think he's fme now Well, at least we haven't heard that he's not. Deleted phone messages. Went home.

I Math lifestyle '<notCOOP' -

I Math student devastated Art Betterthanthou BLONDE BLUE-EYED

Adam Matgee was dismayed at the news that the life he had been living was not cool. Whenagirlwho hadgotten lost m the Math and Compbter building informed him of this, his arms drooped to his sides and he almost dropped his wand. "It's actually a magic sceptre," he

explamed and started to wad. The revelation came to hun with some help from AHS sophomore Hilary Stass who was about to ask Matgee for directions to thepsychology building but then realized that it was not Hallowe'en and started to backaway At this point Matgee mistook her klingon movements forthe trad~tional mattngdance and started trying to ask her out

"Itwas arcallyuncomfortable sit atton and I blurted out Wearing wi ardcostumesandplaymgmagiccan is not cool,"' said Stass When Matgee left his hometou of Brampton to go to the Universi ofWaterloofor Pure Math he want6 to make a new start "People didn't really understar me m high school," claimed Matge


TTIFSDAX ~ P R Z Z1. 2003

nape R h o AllleUersmustincludeaphotoandbloodsampleforverification.andallwordsshou1dnotexceed threesyllablesunless theauthorcan provideevidencethathe/sheiswo1thywithanadequate1Q

exam evaluation. Lettersshouldincludethe authofsyearof deflowering and positionwhere applicable. All material is subjectto editingfor brevityandclarity by me. Theopinions expressed arestrictlythoseoftheidiots whowrotethem,nottheopinionsofMisprint becausewearesmarter than you. Haha. Dumbass.

Boys with toys

About something It's hard to believe but true

SPEtULUM Things have happened this year and tt seems that now that the year is over that this is the last column I am g a n g to wrttc Throughout the year I havc used the spectaclesof my words to help you understand dtfferent tssucs and how things work around the campus and the city and other student junk You may not havc understood how these columns can be written Normally you need to explam what the column 15 about right at the beginnmg, but if you want to explain the context more J ou mght leave it to the second paragraph I am going to tell you about how the wntrng of a column works After the opening you need a body of words to explain what you are talking about or arguments to back up your opening. Since it only takes one sentcncc to esplatn it and I need to fd1 about 300 more words to make my opinion editor happy, I will talk about some other columns. For example, you could talk about wanting to stab yourself rcpeatedlyin the eye instead of writing your fifth column that you wanted so badly to begin with. Next time don't waste my precious tune reading your crap. Also, if I hear one more word about Fedsrtaking it +Ass T'm p i n g to scream. To be honest I don't gire a shit about this job or any of you, nor did I ever You mean you couldn't tell right from the starti A hopeful columnist who is cnterpnsing may decide to want to

U.S. d t a r y no longer a bastion of jams

try to past the crapshoot of the column selection process. Columnists usually write okay for a fex+ weeks but hit mldterms or a big assipmcnt and then start mritmg about writmg a column or, worse, wntmg about how she doesn't know what to write about '1'0 try and generate content she stts there at her desk t a k n g about all the topics that come to her head, topics like what I would have done wtth my column had I known then what I know now and how quail tum explains how you can't really know where anything is. Then I think about how little anyone WIU care about either of these topics and that I need to write something so I just start writing. TLYe' l, about 50 words to go. Not bad at all, if I do say so myself. Here is where you usually closc down your article drawing together your arguments and use somc of the same words you typed at the beginning to tie a all up m a neat little package. And then at the close of the column you stop writing

YOU! OUT OF M Y CLOSET! Most of the t&e,when boys with toys get their guns out prematurely, the ensuingmess ts tzotprctty. But there's an exceptionto e&ryde,and whenit comes to war on Iraq there's more that's flaming on the front lmes than just the oil wells! It might be shocktng to hear that any reamer has a hard-on for the Kambo stuff being pursued by thc Americans, but rememberwhatwe're m this for, people. A11 those years of sexual oppression nccd some sort of outlet. And who better to take it out on than an anti-fag bigot like Saddam?. True, it's not lLke the gay community has been singled out by the bad manwith the moustache. Andit's not like George is a big advocate of sexual liberationeither.But at least he's scnd-

ing our boys into battle m style, mstcad of those ghastly Vietiiam-era fatigues. I don't know- about you, but seeing some of our finest in uniform di$tzite4 makes me want to raisc my "flagof support," ~fyou know what 1 mean Part ofmypfidc comes fromknow ing that the US. military is no longer a bastion of jams. Tn fact, many a former sausage jockey with whom I're been (well) acquainted has told me upwards of 20 per cent of U.S. forces now-prefer the Hershep highway. L.S.A.!U.S.A.! Finally, some of you might be wondering what I'm doing supporting a Bush, since that would not be something I normally do, but don't forget there's also a Dicktnvolved Oh boy1 I'm looking forward to seeingthoseguys fight I he weather's getting hot tn the desert, so I hope the camerasare rolling! Yep, thiv 15 going to be the most sexually open war smcc the fall of Rome Not that it was a gangbang, or anything

Better than a kick in the nuts Helen O'Troy

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COMMUNITY EDITORIAL

I disagreewith the Fcds efforts to sue the admin. I suggest that an altemativc, yct bmding, means of conflict resolution be used rather than dealing w t h the courts and their so-called "laws." 1propose a dr~nkmgcompetition between Ieds and the adinin. 'She event could be held m the Bomber or Fed Hall and admission could be chargcd. To entertain the crowdwe could have the participants perform tasks that require limtted thought, like racing againsta bear ridinga tricycle,roshamboor conversing with Ms. Slompkrowsh. This technique would provide a low cost solutionin a matter of hours and as a bonus the ticket sales would allow the Feds to recoup some lost revenue.Ifthis techniqueis successful then it could be applied to resolve other issues lLke the legalization of marijuana. All you'd need is a great slogan something like:"Less thought more ..." editor's note:yty rodambayou mmn ha&g hope@le kick each uther in thegroin ~ntiloneofthem b h c k out then /he last h ~ eel~entr o are s o m ~ ~ ~red~tndatzt. hut

Mort 'n' Stalin

Tuesday, April I

- Vol.

SNdmt Life Centre, Rm 1116 UniwmityofWatedoo Waterlm,ON,N2LK;l

Editorial Staff Xssocmte-m-chlef, Snit Smiter rditor@mtsprmt uwaterloo.ca Assistant assocrate, Lola S. Breastless Cover assnciate, Harmony Hoy Hoy Photo assocmte. Pller Pdmass Ass~stantphoto associate, hkrgadne Oleo Graphlc assoclate, Spicy Pius hss~staiitgraph~csassociate, Jeffsute Tranvest Wcb assocmte, I<arukaya Scoopta hssistmt wcb assoclate, Cder CC Clet Systems assoclate, Rusty J d a n .isslstant systems assoclate , In Pornrow Lcad assocmtr reader, Grumpy Daniel .imlc~ate proofreader, Lymc Chime .issocme proofreader, ,idititv Scr IGtty .issoc~.atc proofreadcr, .\.;tro Boy

High, No. A F:519.888.44U01 P:519.888.44002 rnisprint~~aterloo.ca

Assaclate proofreader, Happy Saunders Producuon assocute, Tim hIolhson (for 62 hours)

Office Staff Business associate, Cathenne Zeta-Tones cathy.bolger@m~spnnt.uwaterloo.ca Idverhsmg & producaon associate, i.ulu T~gress ads@mlspr~nt.uu~aterloo.ca .id\-emsmg associate, Lingman Hung Dlstribut~on associate, hluhuru Ncclakantespace Dlstnbuhnn assoclatc, Gq~rniPadthuy Board of Misdirectors mlsd~rectors@]m~ipnnt.uwatcrloo.ca SLonkcy 1, r\bseut Bnan Xronkcy 2, Hardly Cul-speU

Monkey 3, Astro Boy Monkcy 4, Stompin' Tom hlonkey 5, Ion ataffliairon@m~spr~nt uwaterloo ca Production staff I m n s ;ind hgers and Bares h1.J.D. Cockafeller, Seymore Fudd, Bubba, hled Nook-n-Cranny, .iyn Rand parrot.

M f q n n t is the unoffic~alparody the Un~versityof yaterloo. It pendent ncwspaper published hons, Waterloo, a corpor;itlon Mispnnr 1s a mcmbcr of the Kapplng 4ssocmhon (0CN.i).

student newspaper of 1s an c&toridy mdeby Imprtnt Publicawthout share caprtd. Ontanc Community Got rt?

Edronal submiss~onsmay he considered fur pul~hcation 111 any edlt~ono f Mzpn~it.Alilprini may also reproduce. Oh, reproduce thc matem1 commercially m any format denved from hoogcy-mcn. Yeah, baby. Those submtung rd~tonnlamtcnt, includtng aracles, lcttcrs, photos and graph~cs,wdl grnnt M ~ m p n n fall

moral nghts We own you and your soul forever And cvcr You can never have ~t back It's my precious

iMi,pnnt docs not guarantee to publlsh arhcles, photographs, letters or advemsmg. It's our paper damm~t,not yours. hlatend m q not be published, at the discreuon of Mi~plinl.There's somc code of ethics and )oumahshc standards, o r sornethmg. O r if we just don't like you. M ~ p i n IS t not pubhshed nevery Fnday d u m g fall and wlnter terms, and not nevery second bnday d u m g the spnng tcrm crcept sometunes on your unbirthday Akpnnt reserves the right to screen content, hut we never would, edtt and refuse tobacco advemsmg, but we ncvcr do 0 7 copies per customer. h h s p ~ ISSN t 3.141592. iZ1i~pnnrCDN Pub h l l l Product Sales D m greement no. 6535897. Next staff meetmg:

Soon

Next produchon nlghu

W%en m) uncle marncs my brother


page Kitten

TUESDAY,APRIL 1,2002

How to lose a column in 10 weeks

Writing an insightful column requires time and effort Time and effort were two luxuries I didn't have This charactensticcoupled with my incredibly large pents led to avery tntcrcsting fm~hedproduct Heck, I had to write the goddamn ELPE m 2000 so that establishes my mastery of Fnglish prose I passed with a 60 Needless to say 1was amused when they selected my column to be run weekly m Imprint I guess it . was mevitable that I would be booted out once my shitty writing became shtmer So here's my two cents on what it takes to lose a column m 10 weeks Firstly, swear profusely If you can't think of a certamword or adjective,lust throw m a "fuck " "Fuck" is a umversal word that

Thanks for a great year From the desk oJyour Fedspresidenf, well it's almost been 12 months since I started as your Feds presi dent and whde I do care about you, my students, I have made some really Good, fnends with admin and other Important oldcr people that I want to talk about I am writmg this to thank them for the time they spent with me they reallymade the experience worthwhile cathartne,youwere alwaysthere for me to talk to whtle those VP boys were trying to rock the boat or stir up thc excrement Bud, I'm really Sorry about the -

.

Pinch hitting for the other team

makes any sentence seem more fun It adds a certain edge to any and all wilting Iakc if you want to write a polltical commentary on the Iraqi situation, it could be, "Man, that fuckln' Bush, f u c W it up agam " Don't soil your wntmgwith flowery language ITowever, you gotta mlx up the cusses so people think you're creative For example make up . words like ass monkey, or donkey 1177 These are powerful words than can truly get your pomt across \%%enm doubt, throw m an "ass sucking cock monkey " This is one of those multi-powered disses that pack quite a powerful punch It's called thc verbal stun Anyway if you follow these hmts, that's defmtely gonna raise the a e of certam mdtviduals A column festooned with profanities wtll probably seal yqur fate In other words, your survival is day to day Thus, with your remaining time, it is vital that you attack as many groups as possible just for shts and gqgles Mtnort ties, women, men, the mentally challenged, are all fair game for mockery As long as it's in abomt nably bad taste, go for it1

Just don't make fun of someone with a fat ass I always remember this nursery rhyme my grandma tauglit me "Sticks and stones may break my bones but a person with a fat ass could sa on me which would fucking hurt." Another crucial element to getting the hoot is to write articles without anv research.All that crap about lournalisticmtegrity can be thrown out thc wmdow. Making fun of sacred institutions without knowing what they represent is a pretty good sign that you're gonna lose a column quick Like the blke racks at the MC are actuallyshrines to Buddha But most of all, tf you really wanna lose a column m 10 weeks, wnte something that generates hate mad ad nauseum It's iromc reallv A pohtically incorrect column, although heavdy read, tends to be rigorously debated as to the merits of its mclusion I'll never figure it out but then again, what do I know? I'm lust a hack comedy writer who lost a column in 10 weeks. Damn, and my 11th column would have been a photo essay simply titled, "Boobies." Oh well.

Lawsuit and stuff, I thought if we talked about the Bars we could get some perspectives on what soluttons could cxist. lynne, (she's the mayor of the City you know) Joan, (she's big at GRT, which is the bus company), i'm sorry thngs didn't work out with the U pass Or Up-ass,whatever they've been calltng it. There was some problem people had with a consultation or something,whatever, sorry PresidentJohnston, Dave, it was good to see you at those ceremonies and dinners and stuff,-rememberto wirteme that reefrence letter. Second lastly, I'd like to thanks my dear hubby. Fmally thank you to

God, thanks for looking after us.

Thanks for a great year

I have always regarded this newspa per as an important semce and worth my money every semester But if one thmg has ever kept me from getting more mvolved, it is the annual Mzspnnt issuc Prexurnablythe reason thts travesty is published at the end of the wtntcr semcstcr is to clude the comments of those leavmg for the summer Thus, I wish to make my feeltngs known now Every year, Iqnnf puts out one of the most tasteless and generally disgustmg publications I have ever had the mtsformne to see, full of the kmd of repulsive humor about genetalia and bodily functions that no doubt puts 12-year-oldboys in stitches "But you don't have to read al" I hear you cry (despite the fact that Impnntwill as always end up printing far too many copies that will be strewn around campus for weeks on end) Well, people don't have to pay their I q n n t fee either I know I'm not the only onc who feels this way If the Letters page is any mdication, Heramb has been offendmg people with hts column all semester long and yet you are still planning

That's it 1 won't write about homosexuality anymore Here's the story why I was sitting on the bus when I heard a few people t a h g about homosexual lifestyles I perked my ears up hoping to hear a lot of juicy details about the bizarre lives that homosexuals lead However, they said that homosexuals are very diverse and much like other members of society 1hey said that homosexuals aren't "weird" or "queer" at all I

I realize now that there might not be any gay issues in the world Perhaps gays have finally found thelr mche m the world That's why I've decided that from now on, I'm gomg to try writmg about heterosexual issues They've stdl got tons of problems Although pya may have evolved mto a higher spectes, I see now that heterosexuals arc in need of development and in need of columnist who understands the troubles they face I am the new face of heterosexual difficulties P mail me your concernsl ~

Doing God

I havc spent so many words in thqse pages talking about sex and relationshipsyet neither have been working out for me Many of the guys I have been with turn out to be self-righteousbaby politicians and I haven't been getting adequate friction I don't know what it is Maybe tt's the too-heavy gropmg or the not enough head or the tooslow wrist tendons of these guys, but I am really desperate for some true power right now1 I put some thought into it and clearly I have hccn gomg about it the wrong way. I could find a lot more juice tn the Holy Spirit Everyone knows God is perfect so he must be the ideal boyfriend If he touches the hves of people on TV almost every day, why couldn't

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to go right ahead with an entire issue of "humour" many times worse. If you must publish something ltke Msprint, fme. Be witty. Be satiricial. But please, for the sake of the university's reputation if nothrng else, be tasteful! Pubhsh somethtng your mother wouldn't be ashamed to affuc to the refrigerator door.

he touch me? I mean my hfe? Once I realized this, it was clear what I must do m my hfe I am gotng to become one with all powerful one, I'm going to become a nun Hut then I thought, "the Lord is my Father in hcavcn " That would make things pretty kinky \Todd I havc to call his holiness "Daddy"? Would I ever get to offer a blow jok to some hot stud? How much fidelity does God require of his women? "Let your light shine before mcn, that they may see your goods, and glorify your Fathcr who is m Heaven " -Matthew 5 16 ''The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on I Iim smcerely " -Psalm 145 18 "But the fruit of the Spirit-is love, joy,pcace,patience,kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and lack of self-control." -Galatians 5:22-23 God's a pretty sexy guy

Thanks for a great year To the editor, People really seem to like writing letters to the editor Guess what We don't give a flym' cow's fat-ass If you want people to care what vou think the easiest solution is to agree with them. We all like to be nght. Especially me. And I am. Rlght. Always Ha. -Smart Chick


page Gal*

TUE~MY, -\PRIL 1, 2003

This is a flag! 6et it, a flag? Hehehe, silly Misprint.. -There's no story here I

Features e&mr McheUe T%ht-Ass. Features asrlstant Assoaate Andrear S d q . features@mspnnt "waterloo ca

Campus days are mature students' favourite days J. D. Cockafeller SPECIAL TO MISPRINT

Benny Campbell, a 48-year-old mature student, describes the UW campus days as his "favounte days of the

w"

Campbell, who spent 21 years m the msurancebusmess, beganadegree last September as a history/psychologymqor "After the break up of my marriage last April, I wanted to do somethingmore meaningfulwith my hfe. I wanted to be where the young andnubilemmdsare anderecta foundation of knowledge, p~tcha tent of excellence,if you ~111.'' March's UW campus days took Jerry by surprise. "I was gomg to my Psych 101 lecture on the morning of the llth, and much to my surprise, and dehght, there were hundreds of young women. um .. and men tourmg the campus." Campbell, a self-described "admtrer of truth. vouth. and b a u d ' went to his lecture that first day of campus tours "Isatmthebackcomerofthefni~n arts lecture hall, like usual, and prepared for mentalmtercourse with not only the material presented by the

doors of thc lccture hall and paraded down the steps nght tn front of me. What a display of firm,well roundcd... ah... personalities, thrcatcntng to burst from the ught, restrtctw hbrk of thar virginal u p b q k g . 1placed my textbook over my lap and admired thcirass...ertn.cand crmfident composure," Campbcll hastily remarked, trying tocatch h ~ breath. s An idea struck Campbcll thar morning whcn hc dectdcd to of J.D.COCKAFELLER fer his services as apersonaltutor Benny can't help but smile at all tothese"freshanduns&cdstudents" next fall He decided he the fresh young faces. wants to partake mthe "swehg, heaving, milky-white nature of their prof, but also the s q u i m g and gig gling,teasmgandpokmgofthe young mtellects and their vivacious, fertile femalesmtheclassastheytakedabout m d s . There is somedung so aroustheir vouthful. sometunes libidinous mg - about entermg - students. . I mean exploits of 'the previous weekend " students entering mto university " Looking back at his previous two Here Campbellgaveme a heartywd yFars as an undergraduate m his early "The young inspire me to yearn no,&, I meanlearn There'saparticu e 1arp;tirmthatclas~whotrul~makem want topart the curtamsof enlighterI ment, if you know what I mean." He was surprised when halfwa through the lecture, a tour ofprospec Across tive UW students, "penetrated th 1.Easiest thing to do to a crossword 8. Who? 12. Run, don't hide 14. Who the hell knows?

20s, Campbell says he "experienced the cmfusionand hardship ofleavmg home for the first tune," addfig that, "It's hardtothifikandconcentrate;it's as if someone has popped a cherry-

"There is something so arousing about entering students... I mean, students entering their first year." -Benny

Campbell

bomb irght m your ear and for days there is a dull, throbbing ache m your head, and all you can see is a hard, pulsatmgpurple." He adds that there

was somethmg mssmg dunng his first exposureto university education and he would like to help those mthe same, ''vulnerable and doe-likesitua tion I want to try and fill their void .. m their hfe I mean Campbellfeels he canbesthelp out the younggirlsma spmtualrole "My positionm this is strictlyanussionary one," he claimed "I want to act selfIcssly, andwiththe chanty," he added with a small cough When asked if there is absolutely no* he would like to gain from lus positionas a tutor, Campbelllaughed and quicklysaid, "Yeah,thereis somethtng I want to get from &IS V a g d sex, or at lcast fodder for shit I mean aww screw you for judging me, man Can't a guy try and get laid without you up my ass' I mean that m a 5tnctly platonic sense . unless you're mto that stuff"

CROSSWOR0

17. A hole 18. A drink 21.Frenchcity 22. Russian king 26.They'rewatchmgyou 27. See clue 24 29. Benefits no one 31. Also shces, makes chih and fries 33. Down wit' the go&! 34. See clue 24 37. Rase hell 38.Together 39. H a p p e q 40. Pasta 42. Jokes 46. Not tit 47. Jingle 49. Uncommon 50. Iraqi neighbour 52. Taxicompany 54. Relaxed 55. See clue 34 57. More pasta 59. Might use pasta 60. Clue 55 61. Definitely amade-up word 62. Luddite

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Down

tovercaPautY

2. Biggest reason this was late 3. Mac or IBM? 4. Article from Shakespeareplay 5.Swear

6. MYr alcohol and acid 7. See Acrossclue 60 8. Wear to look to see the star-spangled banner 9. Probably designed St Paul's 10. You couldn't get it anyways: hcera 11. One tuneat band camp we were sittingaroundthe fire and thenitwent out and thenwe were tired to we went to sleep... is the story short enough' W. Hissy fits 14.aka Coach class 15. Hide the kntfe 20. World's safest poison 23. That's nght, I a m 25. Eating 28.Hauy 30. Not antimatter 32. Come to the end d a m t 34.H;uner

35. Undeserved 36. Punypay-cheque 37. Here come's the airplane! 39. Are you still readmg these clues7 41. Give up; go homc 42.5. Imean,thereisn'tevena42 jon the crossword 43. You'll never get them at the hairdressers 44. Honest, dude 45. Unless you're smart or well-en' dowed 48. Or have 1,000black monkeys 51. And 1000 of my typewriters 53. D'ohl 56. After all these are written by a c-P 58. Unless you know your Greekletters mnookncranny@rnisprint.uwaterloo.ca


page Taggart

TUESDAY,APRIL 1,2003

Peter Scantron bid fond farewell Bob Schmitten

~ W ~ F a M i v eofl the s Math and Computer Building, deep below where the Red Room once lay, inside the shell of what many &&is an old discarded mainframe, shrouded by secrecyis the worldof Scantcon.Most students are familiar with multiplechoice tests and the corresponding "bubble sheets," butwhat they don't know is how they are marked. Some persons assume that the strict guideh e s are to allow for automated machiney to mark the tests. Those persons are wrong. UWs own Peter Scantronand his magnifying glass will be retitifig this year after 30yearsof dedicated service marlung tests. When asked about whether machinery could be built to automate what some might call tedious he laughs, 'We wish! But seriously, how can we leave such an important task to potential error. Each mark could mean the difference between a bright future taking more multiple-choice tests or a lifetime of flipping burgers. UW would rather see the former hamen. Don't f o r s t

yourHB2pencil!" It is a good question. A question we asked several people who agreed only to speak under strict guarantees ofsecrecy.For exampleFredJoneQB Math from Omemee, Ontario who ~rentlylivesat314PieStreetinWaterloo said, "I fear for my academic

"Don't forget your HB2 pencil!" -Peter

Scantron

career, but1 think theydo it to punish us They find errors a computer othe m s e wouldn't anduse it to system aucallylower our marks " Indeed Imagine a world of students without this highly important skill As President Johnston was unable to speak on this issue h~personal spokes-puppet Ma- SayNot com plamed, 'We understand that stu dentsareconcernedby this, but itisn't

that importanttous whether a couple of w h m g studentsget together and startan organization forcomplatntng on behalfof other students.Shouldn't yoube in class!" Or at least that is what. this writer wrote down. CatharineSchott,UW's Vl' MotheqechoedSayNot's sentiments saying,"We have an importantresponsibility toparents who pay fortheir kids education to ensurewe treat their bahesthe samewaythey do. Come here, you have a smudge on your cheek." This writer proceeded to attempt escapewhile Ms. Schott spit into a napkin she keeps in her purse and attempted to wipe off the aforementioned smudge. Next week we have a fascmating espose onco-op.A student a termwill be selected at random from the remaining unemployed students to be frozen "Star Wars style" as a livingart display. The display will be entitled 'TIanSolo-On OwnSelf Imposed."

Wing-Chen

This photo has not been altered in any way.

o The Staff Association will host a retirement party for Peter Scantron: April 1,8:00 p.m. at the Grad House. All UW students, staff and faculty are welcome to attend; those interested in attending are encouraged to bring Number 2 HB pencils in tribute to the retiring campus legend.

Mexican jumping death spiders Bean Whilton SPECIAL TO MISPRINT

Seedy Left SPECIAL TO MISPRINT

New clues recently emerged that could help solve the mystery o f W s eternal man Ryan Wing-Chen.Preliminarysigns are pointing to him being an android. Environmental studies students who were doing water and soil tests at Columbia Lake uncovered the concreteencased remains of the human Ryan Wmg-Chen. 'We were kiclung the water to see how many fresh water invertebrateswere in the water as a measure of how much goose crap is in the lake when my boot hit somethinghard," said studentMitch Bacterson. Normally the oozing sedimentsof the lake are acombinahon of rottmgvegetation, Ryan Wing-Chen was found dead, encased in concrete, at Columbia birdexcremefltafide*racopies Lake by environmental studies students doing water tests. of Miprinl. The documents seem to outline print's investigativereporters,reads of "I was surprised to hit somethmg hard. It turns out that it was a cement the plan of a right-wing conspiracy a plan to kidnap a young student and devised by Lee Aaron-Wudrick, the put an android in place "to askgmelcoffin." Forensic scientists have yet to get right-wing whte-man dedtcated to lingpointed questions of all people in positive confirmation of the identity, smashmg refundable fees and giving positions of authority." Foul play is but campuspunditsareespectingitto Russel Mchugh-Liam, Feds VP suspected,thestudent currentlyregistered as Ryan \ing-Chen is being match followhgthe recent discovery Educatrix, a hard time. of documents marked classified. The document,unearthedbyMis sought for questioning

The mexican jumping death spider W D S ) w averypecuk kind of spider indeed. The name is msleadmg, as this spider is native to the Watcrloo repon. 'l'he rest of its name comes from the fact that as a direct result of the spider jumpmg, it dies. The MJDS will only die if it intends to jump, and makes it to the apex of that jump. If youwcrc to attach some metal to t h s spider and place an electromagnetnearbysuch thatthe spider moves as if it were jumping, it would not die. Also, if you were to somehow force its legs to go through the motions of jumping, it would not die. Again, if there were a wall directly in front of the maximum height the spider would reach in its jump, it would not die. TheMJDS willonly die fromjumpingifit consciouslymakes the decision to jump and succeedsin doing so. The spider will jump, and whenit reaches the peak of the jump, it dies. MJDSs always land on their back. MJDSs do know that they will die when they jump, it is when they are startled that they jump to hide and then they die It is not possible to kill a MJDS in any way other than makmgitwant to jump.

It would seem that there would not bc v ~ r ymany of t h ~ s cspiders m the region, but the jumping actually increases thetr numbers In the same way that the MJDS dies as a result of jumping, a male spider of this species must lump to mate After some tune, the female will have a huge urge to jump She will jump, die and hundreds of baby MJDSs wdl emerge Only a few of these spiders actually survive,because most of them try to jump away If the female dtd not give birth in thib fash ion, shc would not be able to have as many children Please note that since the onlyway to lull a MJDS is to make a jump successfully, thcy can effccti~clybe granted temporary immortality by amputatingtheir legs However since it is a spider, the legs will grow back over time MJDSs are incrediblygood jump ers They can cover large distancesina single bound, they will sunplynot live to see their great feat As a point of interest, a MJDS thrown into a fire w d usually jump IntekgenceinaMJDSconsistspurely of a commitment to notjuqbmng The MJDS is a rare sight to see m Waterloo, and chances are if you see one, itwd die trying to hide from you Please, for the sake of the spccics, do not look for them, they are an endangered species


Tuesday, April 1, 2003

page Roark

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Spuar assonate Never you rmnd. Spurts ass~stantassonate D m spurtr@rmrpnnt uwaterloo ca

Warriors lose despite unknown sport Spurts reporter writes about a sport he knows nothing about

The Waterloo \Varriors lost the grip on the game when the Wmnipeg Shmucks, just 21 seconds into it, scoredand ~~arkedavictory for themselves on Sunday night The game was action packed and fast-oaced. and fillcd with bobbing andweavmg Thifigsjustnever slowed down I took a photo but it's really blurry I got to the game a bit late late, so I mlssed seemg the drop of the luck off,andnever reallycaught on There were nets at bothends ofthe field and the players ran back and forth giving the bal-hke puck to one another but then switching direcaon and going back It ended an hour and 43 rmn utes after I arnved I cheeredal~twheneverybod~ else L

,

-

did. It seemed like the thmg to do, and everyone was really into the game The most excitmgpartofthegame was when this one guy had the balllike puck and was chased by a couple other guys for a good while before a couple guys caught and suplexedhim The crowd really went wdd. Some of the players seemed to have whistles and were able to stop play whenever thcy wanted I didn't really figure out their strategy I expectedthat before they go tothe other end they would blow the whistles I thinkourteam was the teamwith the black shtrts because that's the colourofthoselackets I seearoundcampus They were looktng, fairly lazy on this day Durmg the game I noticed there was an extra player whose shirt was half black, I thmnk he was helping our team, I can't believe the other team didn't notice I'll look into t h ~ sfor next game All of the players showed up in cleanmatchinguniforms which were soiled by the end of thegame, but that didn't soil their spirit? After the game, the team captam

couldonly say, 'We didn'twm butwe played a good game. I'd like to take this chance to thank God for my Godgiven talent, Buddha for my Auddhagiven talent and the Devil for giving me a shoulder to cry on " I was mtnguedwhy,with so much talent,they didn'twin. 'Well,we went out there, andwe played thegame, but m n the end, even with all our points, they just ended up getting more We gave it our all, but their all was more than our all Our alls were seemingly uneven " I was mpressedwithhis eloquence. Head coach Benny Campbell confirmed his players hadn'tgivenit everythingtheihad "I'msurethey topped out at about 93 per cent today I was hoping for at least 108per cent." With the disappmtmg performance of the team, head coach Benny Campbell says that, "Things have got to improve I'm takmg the team to a clmc " 'The cheerleadersare causqgmore problems than thcy arc worth " IIe confirmed that the healthof the play ers is holding them back Chns McCallum,the captainof the

Their team scrambles after the ball-likepuckas our team chases them. As usual, only the best action shots of the spurt being covered from the fantastic camera work of the spurts editors. team said, "I've got to solve this itching problem in my crotch How am I supposed to score when my [exple tive] crotchis itchgall the [expletive] time?' "I heard Steve and Greg have the same problem This is determenial [sic] to our team. Coach says he's takingus to a c h c l h e cheerleaders

are c o w as well!" In conclusion, I am not sure if in this sport you are supposed to get a low number ltke in golf or a high number like in soccer I am sure that, in this sport, stay the hell away from the cheerleaders.

Damage, injuries in chess hooligan riots Hundreds not dead despite girly punches and eye g 0 u p . g Artikel Bohren SPECIAL TO MISPRINT

Dozens of rowdy chess hoohgans causeddamageto the bleachers in the Phy&al Activities Complex (PAC) gymnasium at the University of Waterlooandsentseveralspectatorshome with injuries as riots broke out at an OUSA chess tournament at UW last weekend. The tournament took place on Saturdayafternoon between the UW Warriors and the McCX University Redmen Upuntil the riot,which took place d m g a match between the two schools' star players, UWs Xap6kob and McChll's Motnneb. the Redmen had been dominating the competition. Officials say that the UW fans' frustration,alongwiththelong-standing rivalry between the two schools, mav have contributed to the melee. According to witnesses, the not was prompted by a disputed call over the Redmen'suse of acontroversialm passant strategy. E n passant is French for'tvhothe fuckcares,it'sonly chess" and is controversial because -well, who the fuckcares, it's only chess Thecatalyst forthe outbreakcame when, m d s t catcalls and accusations ofpoor officiatmg, one Warnors fan was heard to shout, "I question your right to sovereigntyl" mthe direction of a large contmgent of McGill sup-

blamed on a substantial difference in size between the McCA phyers who pamcipated m the not and most of the other spectators, McGill having recently recruited several former midget wrestlersto the chess XapGkob (idiot left) faces off with Motnneb team Sourcessaythat the formerwrestlers (fatty right).Tensionsarehighbetweenthese joined the team aftwo despite the fact that all they can say is ter,inresponsetothe "gibbery, gibbery." Unitedstates "Freedom Fries" fiasco, thegovernment of Quebec cancelled porters. A McGill fan allegedly re- . for "Amensponded by h u r h g aplate ofpoutine all &ding to at the heckler and within seconds, can" midget wrestling 'Ihe presence of the former wres dozens of geeks, dweebs and nerds tlers players had a significant impact had pourgd out of the stands on the dynamic of the riot As one The situation was further exacer witness put a,"It was funny to see the bated by the involvement of mem bers of the McGd teamwho had been little chess players trying to start shit. watchmgthematch from the sidelines I mean they would run at the b i w r and joined in the riot after several players and just kind of bounce off. players allegedly had their hair pulled Then they'd start to cry. Of course, I thmk my granny could have made by rival spectators Injunes were mostly minor cuts themcry,andshewakswithacmeand bruises, with some bloody noses, fuckin'pansies." In apress conference afterwards, though one spectator was rushed to hospital to have a chesspiece removed UW President Dave Johnston comfrom one of his more nefarious body mented on the incident saying, cavities. . what to for Most iqunes were at least partly debacle is mismanagement by the

'"

Fcds exec. As aprecautiontoprevent any simtlar problems in the future,the Fedsofficewdlbeturnedintoaprivate admstration-only lounge " In response to a question as to how the President could defmtively lifiktheFedstoaneventinwhichthey had no involvementwhatsoever, the reporter who asked the question was sedatedandcartedoffby UW Campus Police A spokesperson for the UW Police also spoke at the press confer ence andwas questionedasto why the riot was allowed to contmue for a full 45 minutes before officers steppedin. 'We felt we were dotng them a favour," she responded,"Kidslike that

[chess nerds] need a good beating every once ma while " Though the estimated damage to the PAC topped out at just over $57, andis the highest ever recorded for a not involvmgchesshooligans,the real damagehere is tothe reputattonof the sport itself A spokesperson for the \X7arriors chess team said, "It was a disgracefuldisplayby our players and fans They call that a not) Not one single personwas set on fire All they did was screech and try to gouge out eachother'seyeswiththei~dsThat's not -hoohgamsm Fuckm' pansies " abohren@misprint.uwaterloo.ca

LIBRARY OFMISPRINT

An artist's rendition of a t h e chess riot, the Philadelphia Chess Riot of 1844. Five thousand were killed. They were not pansies.


T L I E S APRIL D ~ 1,2003

page Swan

Smnas asroonk A Emstem. Smarts assistant asmaate A Emstemsen. rmsrla@rmspnnt uwnterlno cz

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Beechwood residents declare me supreme ruler in new SimWaterloo game Expert Nerd

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. .

EXPERTLY SPECIALTO MISPRINT

SimWaterloo released March 25 $59.99 (freeoffthelnternet)

sponsoredby UPass

S d ' a t c r l o o was released m a gala event attended by mayor Lynnie \Voollyandsoft at Waterloo's new sports Megaplex Tuesday I got the game earlybypttngitoffthe Internet Thegame startswithyouasamayor of asmall city that is losmgmoney fast after building a sports Megaplex that no one can reach on public transit Furthermore, students are swarming your city startmg fires and generally upsetting old men and women with their constant cussing and boozing

There is generally a huge amount of flexibility m the game to try different rules. Not so, however, when it comes to the 75-metre restriction. which prevents congregation of cer tam undesirables in the city When I found 20,000 people m the Kmgand Universityarcawcrc notingabout thc 75-metreby law restriction,I tried to turn it off A friendly box came up with the picture of Lynnie Woollyandsoft mformmg me that, "Error 75m: Removing this restriction will make 80-year-old women pensh due to studentarsonists "When I persistedthe boxcame up againand said, 'You have performed an illegal operation and I'm shutting you down " I foundmvselfat aloss forwhat to do. There was a clear element of

SimR'aterloo opposed to the restric tion, and yet mv hands wcrc ticd When I put m place a government f i e d with opponents qf the restnc tion, I found that rather than sohing h s problem,thepdelegatedthe prob lem to a sub co-ttee which never met, thcn spcnt a11 their timc tryingto kickoffmembers whonever showed UP I've discovered a couple of strategies to playmg the game If you don't do somethingquicklyabout the sports Megaplex, youwon't have any money tc spend and you will be railed out of town A couple ofways to dealwithit are bulldozing the company that is holding the debt in your city @nt it is a tall b d d m g on the south side) Doing this immcdiatcly cancels thc habihty Another strategy is to set a

natural disa5ter on it my personal accompanied by an adult o5cr 30 ' favourite is the student arson/van Strangel), this strateg),resulted mtht dalism option The pawns that carry highest score andtheBeechwoodresi out this option, however, will only dents crownedme their supreme rule1 ride the bus so you need to expand for life until I bulldozed their goll transit to reach that part of town courses Slumlords are also a valuable ally m There is a secret"easter-egg" called keepmgthe hordes of undesirables m SimFeds where you get an opportu check h ~ t h e m h ~ ~ e m r a t - m f e s t e dmty , to try your shot at 5tudentgovern leakybasementsis amazinglyeffective ment here on campus You can go tc in reducing their abihty to orgamze bat as next year's exec and Fight the Ialso triedout some drffcrcntstrat- Admin in court You can't wm but 11 eges on the 75-mctrc restriction I is funto try Also try to keep the water mcreaseditto150 metre,whlch forced out of the used bookstore Also a undesirables out as far as thc sports fun tounlockthe secretWVerbosiq Megaplev and thenmcreased it to the positionby callingthe Toronto media maximum on a UW'local story Walls formed around the camOverall I give this game a D 11 puses forcing all undesirable5 onto sucks, but sucks m a good way the campuses and restricted their movement off campus to "onlj when -

i q


page Fire 611th