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: you are turning the pages 0f.a satirical publication. It is possible that the simple act of\readingwill cause you t o be

,OeFFEN-DED while you're'sitting there, deciding if you're going t o continue onward and read some of our funniest articles to date, take a look at this advertisement. It was published in the Chevron (UWfs precursor t o imprint) on FriGrck K dub is establishing a campus

N o jake.

manpower center to arrange part

Think anyone could get away with printing an advertisement like that these days?

time work for students this fa#.pkrn to rwisier at our desk at t-e.egis)rat.ion,

USED BOOK STORE

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For the uninitiated, Misprint is a chance for us todaugh at ~urselves. No individual or group is safe, especially our own staff, end everything is intended t o be taken in the spirit of humdur. -

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Misprint

UW's Official ~ t u d d ~ ~ a t i r e

This Week Vol. 24

April 1,2002

misprint,uwaterloo.ca

No.7

The Mail Overtired 7 The Year That Wasn't Osama bin Laden found at UW; Laurier students found to be shrinking; RIM buys city for $200 milhon.

Housing Approved Sex 1 3 Covers you'll Never See

12 Misprint Universities Ranking Issue

'12, COVER

MISPRINT UNIVERSITIES RANKING ISSUE Don't hate us because k e know way more about ranking ufiiversities than you do. The honest truth is that you& just jealous that we thought of it first. Maybe if you'd beaten us to it, your schodl woulddt be in 12th place for library holdtngs. No whining, just honest (and compieteJy Eablie~ted)reporting.

Our annual ranking of the best and the worst that Canadlan universities have to offer. Generally that means why we're better than everyone else.

FE&T$IRES

14 Feature: Trading Spaces

l "ICovers You'll Never See In what we hope will become a time-honoured tradition, Misprint is proud to present five of our best alternate covers; those headlines that would be unfit to print in any other medtum. Enjoy.

9 Entertainment ~~t~~

14 Trading Spaces In what is rapidly becoming a cult-classic,TLC's Trading Spaces made a pit-stop in lowly Waterloo to inflict cheapo design on Imprint and W I R G .

Election Notebook ~QLUM~~S

Mark A. Schaan 20 Election NotebookWe peer into the mind of a lowly campaign manager as he tries to win the election whde fending off rabid squirrels and candidates.

Misprint 1s product of:

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The contents of thls publication are a satirfcal commentary, meted out on behalf of the students of the University of Waterloo, by thp volunteers at Imprint, the official student newpaper. to ~ndlvldualsor situatfons existing in the past, present ~ n similarity y or future are purely a result of some sick cos@c comcidence, or at

Ryan Matthew Merkley

leest should be cons~deredas proof positwe that Me IS replete with Irony, and most people are dumber than you glve them credit for. If you're one of those people that can't take a joke-and there are a lot of you outthere put thls magazine down right away, before someone gets hurt.

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I'm a Rhodes schola;and;oufre not

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used to have to prove to people how smart I am. Ever since I got a Rhodes scholarship, though, I don't even have to try. I've always known that I was pretty smart; now, everyone else thinks that I am too. Like this one girl in my class who, after making some nonsensical argument, looked over at me and said, "Right, Mark?' What a dumb broad! Let me tell you, being a Rhodes scholar isn't easy. I get dl these ridmlous e-mails from strange students (sort of like when I was Feds VPEd) asking for fny opinion on all sorts of matters. Such is the price of being a Rhodes scholar. Don't worry though, since you are not a Rhodes scholar, you won't ever have these problems. When I'm at the opera, the movers and shakers of K-%' smile and wave at me. The mayor walks across crowded rooms just ,to speak to me. Of course, these people are small time. Do you know other Rhodes scholars?Try former most-powerful-man-in-the-world Bill Clinton. Or former most-reviled-man-in-OntarioBob Rae. That's the kind of company I'm in. Did you know that I've had meetings with the Honourable Pad Martin, minister of finance, and Izzy Asper, kingpin of GanWest?You get to have these meetings yhen you're a Rhodes scholar. Which I am, by the way. A R-H-O+-E-S scholar. So I'm a Rhodes scholar and you're not. Don't debpair. There's ro~p in this world for all sorts of people, Rhodes scholars and non-Rhodes s&lars. Maybe yov'll get a scholarship to Trent for yourmaster's. Really, Trent is a great school, Don't belkve anyone who tells you otherwise. Trust me when I say that there are a jot of hot studs there. Hey, if anyone asks you

why you wentphere, just tell them that I wdes toId you ta$&nember4 hph-$ scholar, &d 6 d r e not (md ;leiheris +e person t a m g toyou)! 7si Rhodes rhymes with a buqth of:&&&, like abodes, rodds, toa&ic$<*a,**&$$less other examples; l , t $ ~ p 9 2 $ ~ ~ e & ~ t makes being a Rhadrs, sqhk& & e l . And I s h o d h o w , sin&?I' iun a ~ $ & s scholar. + - *, Now, you might ictually know d m e thing about the Rhodes scholarship and be wondering how an obviously gay dude like myself is a &odes schblar when criterion for the award used to bemanliness. Well that rule was abolished quinque quinquennia ago (that's 25 years ago, for the nok-modes scholars), when women were allawed to apply for the scholarship. So now you know how I was able to become a Rhodes scholar when I am quite obviously not a big macho heterosexual. Let me summarize for the ,computer geeks: me == Rhodes scholar; you != Rhodes scholar; My intention with &us article is to convey what it's like to be a Rhodes scholar, which I am, so I know these things.'you, as a non-Rhodes scholar, couldn't possibly copprehend what it's like without this article. Beally, it's all for your benefit. And that's what Rhodes scholars, k e me, do d t h ~time: make selfless sacriCc& for the benefit of the herd (oops! I mean demos). While I'm off at Oxford, I'U think fondly of .CJ& I hope that, wherever you are that's mo,s';Qxford, you'll $-ink fondly of me. Adieu, -. .&-'1_+

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imsmarterthanyou@misprint.cato comment on From the Assistaht Editor 2

Misprint I April 1,2002

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Yours to carry. m o ex and muscles

K

and en ance cardiovascular function ...

Southern Darkness GARGANTUA Association of Canada www.aonad.org


Intellectual ho

ns. Hired Goons.

I just wanted to write a quick letter to congratulate you on some of the excellent journalism I have found within your paper. In particular, Aaron Lee-Wudrick's column has been right on the mark. His opinions on the deregulation of tuition, on the uselessness of religion and especially on Greg Macdougall were so true. If elected, I promise to take a page from my f5iend Jim Flaherty and have Macdougall and all those silly communists arrested and jailed for intellectual homelessness. So, once again, congratulations to LeeWudrick for all his brave and salient opinions. (And congratulations also to the newly-elected Feds executives. I'm looking very forward to continbing our relationship.) ElizabethWitmer, K-W MPP

Thanksfo'thaprops

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M~ and my peeps just wanted to say that Greg Macdougall is the phattest shit to hit this paper since ink. He speaks it like it is and always represents. Even tho' he be of the lighta' persuasion we know tha he be opressed 2nd repressed by tha' man just like da rest of us brothers. My agent sez thanks for da free plugs. Peace out. Oubkast, Macdougall's rap idol

MOW 20 R ~ ~ C US IP by e-mail (no e-mail, please) For letters to the editor, press releases, story proposals: please fuck right off. With letters, please supply yourself with the sufficient wherewtthal to realize that we are not a real fucking publication.You're an ass. Your stupid opinions will never appear in this COMPLETELY FICTIONAL publication. For subscriptions or delivery problems: see "what to do with letters and press releases" section above, Same goes for complaints. Address: Misprint Publications, Why are you reading this7 We have no address you stupid moron. This is all make-believe, likc when you kiss your pillow a little too passionately at night. You think nobody knows7 Fuck, we know. Get a life.

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Do you have a prof you'd like to "extract" better marks from? Does your landlord or landlady need a "reminder" of his or her duties? Would you like that annoying, know-~t-allstudent in your class "silenced"? If so, then contact your nearest member of the Warriors football team. We'd like to "give back" t g the students who have provided-us with so much support through the years. You h a w , spendmg all our money on booze and going on drunken rampages has its charm. But the problem is, when we vake up - we have no money! So we're offering our services to you, the cowering masses. For the price of getting us hammered, we're open to performing any act of common thuggery you require. Consider us, the Warriors football team, fo~yo~nextevent. "The Smart One", UW Warriors football team

Fashion Action Group

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Ugly Squirrels Now I've read a lot of angry letters lately on these pages. People bantering back and forth, "There are no good looking girls on campus." Boohoo. "On our first date he wanted me to solve his Rubix's Cube." Cry me a river! Try being a young, vigorous, outgoing squirrel looking for action on this campus. Now I know what you're going to say. "Hey Chuckles, there's a milliori fucking squirrels on campus, one stole my damn cookie last night." But take a closer look my, friend. They're all practically undateable. Everywhere YOU look, there's squirrels dgging in dumpsters (would you want to hss that mouth?), delinquent squirrels runrung vans off the road and some with the most horrible tail-do's you'll ever see. A squirrel's gotta have a little acorn now and again. You know what I'm saying? Now all I'm asking for is a hot mama with a big bushy tail\and long luscious whiskers. Is that too much?

in Ttanys was really the last straw. I t is time for action! For too long the poorly dressed and scruffy looking have been looked down upon by self-described fashion elite. It's " potten to the point where one can't wear a pair of grey track pants or a Tazmanian Devil tshtrt withoit get ridiculed by some preppy know-it-all in a Gap sweater and Diesel Jeans. We will no longer be oppressed by these prideged few Unfortunately, our WPIRG action group has met with limited success. It's time for direct a c h n , the more radical the better. The Fashion Action Group will resist these colonialist clothiers until they release us from their Calvin Klein tyranny. No one wearing Prada, Danier or even It: Chateau will be safe from our terrible wrath. Be warned. The Fashon Action Group will have its first terror meeting next Wednesday in MC 4052. Orange drink will be served.

I don't have much time so I'll be brief. It's me, Dave Ellis, Feds presidential candidate. 17vebeen imprisoned for the last two months, preverited from participating in the election. The day before the first election forum, I was just addmg one last quote from Plato to my speech, when suddenly, hired goons burst Into my room. One man, identifying himself only as "the Reverend of Pain," clubbed me over the head with a cross and then they stuffed me into a sack. I don't have much time, I think somebody's coming. For God's sake, help me!

The Fashion Action Group

Dave Ellis, Feds catpdidate/political prisoner

ms

Chuckles, the Squirrel.

For shit's sake, help !

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Overtired dited by Melon Stupidhead with Flobee Meow

log to decide next Feds election he screw-ups in this year's 'Lawless admits that having a ederation of Students elec- psychic dog choose candion have prompted outgoing dates lends about as much eds president Yaacov lland validity to the election proc>takeradical steps to reform ess as having 12 per cent l e process "in the hopes of voter turnout. "I've got a paring the fresh meat from magic eight ball you can boriis seventh level of hell." row forthe next Misprint elecDue to budget constraints tions too," he added. nd a lack of applicants for the To lend an air of impartiality make a simple list of current to.this decision, Illand hired tudents" job the Feds posted former Feds president Chris ~ i t co-op h last term, all future Farley as a short-term consultlections will be decided by a ant to the Feds. While often sychic dog. The change was accused of poor judgement, 3jected by student's council Farley has never been acnd will become effective cused of indecisiveness. lay 1,2002. "First I decided ktudents "You think you can do &bet- should get a1fee increase to ?rjob?" quipped Illand. "We ' pay for the dog, then Idecided eally didn't have much to take the increaseto a referhoice. Either we changed endum, then I decided the i e process or UW admin was admin should take care of it; oing to do it for us." then I decided that that bottle Statistics professor Jerry of scotch looked better in me

and rel,iable as the current system, aria less expensive.

than on the shelf." lland declined t o reveal Farley'sfee, but a Feds insider suggested we contact Feds accountant Arthur Andersen. While many students had expressed frustration with the electi,on and referendum processes - including the subjectivity of election committee and appeals comrnit-

tee decisions - some were unperturbed. Amazingly, they told Misprint, if you don't vote, you won'tfind the process frustrating at all. Newly elected Feds president Brenda Slomka told Misprint she objected to being called fresh meat. Robert Mugabe, Misprint Election Advisor

mathNEWS accidentally publishes news article

'

UW's marhNEWS, a studentrun publication that mysteriously appears every other week, made waves last Friday when it published an article that contained facts and had a point. The article, written by Peter S. Love,.described problems with UW's computer science program. Math students stood stunned in the halls bf the MC after the issue's release. In the comfy lounge, a 20-sided die rotled silently across a table like a tumbleweed. One student, who requested anonymity, said, "I don't know what the hell's gotten into those bastards in the closet." An-

other student was equally puzzled. "I just can't understand it. It's like my last CS 342 assignment. If I wanted news, I'd read Imprint, or some other boring-ass rag." When asked why the article was published, mathNEWS editors were of different opinions. "We thought that students would be concerned about the developments," said Love. "Hey, if I had seen that, I would have deleted it immediately. mathNEWS isn't a damn newspaper," said adother editor. Messy Helmet's brother

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Leafs retain Great One It's been a long time coming, but Toronto Maple Leafs coach Pat Quinn is optimistic that this season his team will not only make it to the Staniey Cup playoffs, but actually look like they belong tHefe. So pumped is Quinn thgt he's taken to The road to sell his vision of a winning team and its winning strategy. Last weekend he was in Brantford to announce that the Leafs, a team that hasn't swilled from Lord Stanley's Cup since Lester I? kept Paul Martin Sr. f r o m becoming PM, has signed Wayne Gretzky for $20 million. "We've analyzed the plays . . . we've learned so much,' and we've concluded that the only way to win the Cup is to bury Wayne here at centre ice. If a .loonie can help us whobp redneck Yankee ass - and 52 is an ass-whooping -just think what 20,000 large will do!" Gretzky was on hand for the announcement. "It's a momentous occasioh for the Leafs," he said, fighting back tears. "The Olympics were great," said Quinn. "A wider rink, no red line. What a catalyst. What passion!"

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Misprint I April 1, 2002

anchor Ron Maclean would later claim to have seen him mouth "thirty-seven" while makilig a slurping motion). When National Post vamp Christie Blatchford told Quinn NHL president Gary Bettman didn't believe burying the Great One at centre ice was allowed -but that he'd allow

it anyway since it probably wouldn't make any difference - Quinn shook his head. "You're fucking w i t h m y karma," he told her. "We were almost there last year," Quinn insisted, handing the Great One a hanky. "We're so close. Even that monkeyspanker [Hasekl can't get in

our way this time." ' The unevehtfld conclusion of the conference was Gretzky acoepting "2 cheque while stepping into a carbon-freezing chamber to demonstrate that he'd be safe. "Don't worry, Janet. I'll be bringing this home in July." Milk Harbinger


Year That Wasn't 3sama bin .aden posing is UW math rofessor

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he UW community was rocked to its foundation i i s week when it was reealed that Saudi, expatriate lsama bin Laden, the alleged lastermind behind the Sep?mber 11 World Trade Center Racks, is working as a pro?ssorin UW's math faculty. "There's a prominent antimerican living in our midst, nd we didn't know about it?" xclaimed social activist ulian l c h i m at a recent EPlRG meeting, "Who spilled le milk heye:people?"

famous math professor sama bin Laden. ' "Warning, warning. Danger, ~ n g e r l "admonished eco)mics prdfessor Larry Smith lring his weekly briefing. "My God," deelared ex-UW ofessor Vladimir Platonov, 's the one-armed man who tacked my wife!" Despite the brewing contro!rsy, the dean of mathemats stands by'+is decision. Iis C.V. really is outstanda," Alan George told Misint. "He's a proven motivar, very organized and a illed orator. we decided

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to overlook his extracurricular activities." Officials in human resources confirmed that bin Laden had been on the payroll since last October. closer inspection of a video bin Laden appeared i n last November also revealed that,the dusty green backdrop is not a desett-camouflage tent as was reported by CNN, but is in fact the CS club couch. "Yep, that's our couch," admitted CS Club treasurer Melissa Basinger. "What could we do? You should see his Perl code! And he had his

two dollars." Canada's most powerful men, in town to press flesh and sign another SuperBuild cheque, also brushed off. the news. ' " W e don' let n o terroristes i n t o Canada, hein?" insisted Prime Minister Jean Chrritien. "Dat photo looks like my cousin Raymond - 'e works 'ere now." Ontario premier Mike Harris was uninterested: "If it's not Osama bin Golfin', I don't fuckin' care." Hours after the discovery, the FBI released a statement:

"Since learning that bin Laden is holed up west of Toronto, our agents have taken up positions in Vancsuver and at the Vermont-Ontario border, ready to assist the RCMP in putting the squeeze on the world's most wanted man." Math student Jennifer Lee was both shocked and surprised b y the revalation. "Come to think of it, he does ask a lot of 'If Jane is in a plane heading east and Ahkmed Abu al-Jaffar is in a plane heading west' questions," said Lee. Ghost of Pierre Trudeau

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Cone Green exhales degrees

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ituated on the cusp of a rolling hill overlooking a picturesque creek, Cone Green College is well-placed. The college is Canada's first post-secondary institution to have rolled the study of cannabis into its curriculum. Cone Green offers courses in packing, rolling, smoking and hempfarming. In addition, the Peace and Marijuana Studies program is widely respected, Rowell Erbup, director of theprogram,explained:"Alot of places have peace and conflict programs, but It's like, why would we want to study conflict? It's such a downer." Visitors to campus are hardpressed to ignore the sweet smells when students rise from bed at 4:2O pim. With so many young people smoking spliffs, and with Cone Green being the only college in the country offering ganja studies, demand is high. This year, the college's

project Puff 'n' Share will celebrate its 25th anniversary a quarter century of taking two puffs and then passing. The program has been an inspiration for many, and similar projects have sprung up across the county. ' This year also marked the departure of the project's head, Comrade Blunts, who left to share his vision of harmony with the world. He's missed by staff and students alike. A graduate student painted a portrait of a person with personality: "Blunts could carry a class without even showing up. Sometimes Blunts would leave us a fivegram cone with a note reading, 'Inhale the sess, exhale the stress.' We all learned something on those days." In addition to faculty like Blunts, the ,college's cafeteria is known campus-widefor its special brownies. ope Smoke

City of Cambridge unveils plans for student ghetto

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he city of Cambridge has taken another step towards becoming a university town, unveiling plans for-its own student ghetto. The city will soon be home to the UW school of architecture and city planners have noticed a critical shortage of substandard, ugly and generally shitty housing in the neighbourhoods surrounding the new school, a necessity for proper student accommodations. After a lengthy consultation period with Waterloo slum lords, frat boys and residents of Columbia street, the city has produced detailed plans to create an authentic student living environment. "Our ghetto will be twice as ghetto 8

Misprint

I April 1, 2002

as Waterloo's ghetto ever was," boasted Cambridge Mayor Doug Craig. The plan has a number of components. The new student district will have its garbage service reduced to one collection per month, and sanitation personnel have been directed to kick every second garbage can into the middle of the road to create a realistic student environment. All furniture currently inside student housing will be moved to the lawn, and a strict ban on grass cutting will be introduced. Under the new plan, curtains will be replaced with old stahed Star Wars bed sheets. Any students caught painting or otherwise beautifyingtheir

residences will subsequently fined and evicted. Local residents have also been encouraged to throw unwanted chesterfields, microwaves and other useless garbage into the student district instead of the dump. "One generous donor has already left his Dodge Aries upside-down,on one of the lawns," said an excited Craig. All of the homes selectedfor degradation have had their heavy appliances modified to meet student's low standards. The ovens have all been pushed up against the refrigerators to ensure that neither of them will ever operate at the correct temperature. The washing machines have now been equipped with a special

overflow feature to keep basements suitably dank and smelly. Local merchants have been asked to pitch in by moving novelty items, like newspaper boxes and reaf estate signage, to locations facilitating easy theft. It is expected that it will take six to eight months of dedicated theivery until the ghetto is suitably full of ridiculously stupid stolen items. Waterloo Mayor Lynn Wolstencroft laughed off suggestions that Cambridge's ghetto coutd ever rival that of Waterloo: ' I personally threw my old mattress on Columbia Street last night. Let's see if mayor Craig can beat that kind of dedication." Crass E.T., Ghetto Fool


3ured with-the title- "King of ?IMville:!3Me is to receive a ;ceptrqccmwnjewels and an with ;Iwiter~ffice,cd)~nglHe Bll, live palm tfeesandta peting zoo, td be constructed in ,lace of city hall laterthis year. The city has since budgeted 6500 million to cover the

casts of renaming at! city sewices and private companies bearing the name "Waterloo." This money will be taised primarily through the sponsored renaming of the city's staff members. "It's a great way to raise funds," commented RIM staffer Hermione Fitzpatrick,

who, for $%PO, sponsored the recteff to apply for city jobs at renaming ofcity clerk Jim www.fimjbb.~om, but the doSmith. Jim RIM was n& availmani? .~r)&&& I @ysteriously able fos:oqmrnent, but Lynne takerrl. k & ~ & . ~ l d n s to conWoolstencroft-RIM said ishe t i n u e ' ~ & . = ~ ~ p ~naming r& thought the new names were scheme, and w@%e meeting long overdue. with Tim Mbrt~n'ssenior exweek. Prospective RIMvilke em- '~%otiuhcdlab~ihis ployees w u l d have been diSlagda KdczngrpdnpdgMk ' 1

VVh-a& that - s wI? TW entrepreneurial spirit is alive and Uckinb at UW. A group of studentskin the enterprise co-op program have come up with a brilliant idea. he idea is simple: an innovative cologhe, bottling the scent from the Math comfy lounge. "It's so easy, how else can \jou recreate memories and bring back the nostalgia, than by using the scent?" asked,one student. The new scents will appear under the brand name CS-1. The students intend to target nostalgic math alumni and potential CS students. Fozzie Beat

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All the covers you never saw

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I April 1,2002

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CAMPUS CONFIDENTIAL ...

Misprint% study puts the University of Waterloo on top fter years of scorn for in adequate mechanisms of ranking universities in Canada, we here at Mi.$wifit have listened and are proud to unveil a compIetely new methodology for testing greatness. Not surprisingly, however, little has changed in terms of the winners and losers (it's pretty hard to find a rankmg that codd make a school our full of morons look psetty good apologies to the University of Manitoba). Part of the new methodology involve changes to better reflect the real nature of our university divisions. Whde previously grouped as Primarily Undergraduate, Comprehensive and Medical Doctoral, universities will now be featured in the "budget,'! "not quite a real university" and "almost a real university" categories. Not surprisingly, the University of Water-

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loo has retained its number one spot in the "not quite a real university" category. Pact of their strength once again lies in their continuing growth in the "courses not taught in Enghsh" category.This year, the entire growth was achieved almost single-handedlyby the faculty of Mathematics. Miqrint was imprqssed not only with the sheer't-olurne of these courses, but also with the variety of languages offered, including broken English. UW PresidentJohnston had a different explanation for the success. 'We continue to do great things because our kids continue to do nothing but study. I'm so happy no one here is getting laid. I think we would be suffering if students here actually got 8 piece every now and again." With a greater focus on pure academics, our new ranking criteria gave extra weight to campuses that do nothing but

.

forever

research and teaching. Waterloo retained its position largely due to the newly-created ra&hgcriteria, which included "lowest student voter turnout," "least interesting buildings" and "most courses taught by a machine." Iii a s h o c h g revelation, the University of Guelph slipped five spots due to fraudulent submissions over the past number of years. It appears that the university's student awards office had been counting the blue ribbons won by each cow and pig as students with scholarships attending the university. While sttmg by the revelation, the university has begun a new campaign to have the achievements of its animals recognized in rankings. "They're just like our students, really,': said Cletus,,a spokesperson for the university. -Due to a change in methodology, the University of Western Ontario has won


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BY SHMEESA SHMONSON

and political and en6ronmental activists would be happiest if they could just go rading Spaces is the decorating show back to the safety of the womb," sugthat has become the latest entertain- gested proofreader Rachel E. Beattie. ment craze. Armed with $1,000, a designer "And maybe we could do something and a carpenter, two sets of neighbours about this odour," added sports editorJon swap homes and redecorate one room in Willing. <'I am so glad you said that!" reeach other's place. plied Hiida. 'We're going to cover all of those issuq in one foul po,op." "You ' OII March U,Tradmg Spaces rolled its mean 'swo@g?"'Tw'll set: , trucks onto the UW campus. Team No.1: Era& greeted U s team wirh akeidi:bb " Imprint, with the help of pretentious de- and a quaint hdm&pm Tetras maxim: signer Hilda an to- om as. Team No.2: "Okay, t?vhat do& this room ~ ~ e Irk d ? WPIRG, aided by the ostentatious Frank asked, ~ c t ~ l jssid o u ~research ~ ~ coBielec. Both teams were questioned as to ordinatoi Shaton'~~fftenier.'This pale what they would like and not like to see in blue has &t tdgo, & &e pink baffdlding th& offices. "I w6dd hate to see anydung, is pretp gmss." * done to our very important computer sysh v i n g the room for o moment, Hilda tem," saidLImpn'nteditsr-in-chief Ryan returwd wi& a wheelkrow of steamMatthew Merkley. "Many of the impor- ing manure. "This," she beamed with tant things Imptint does are contingent pride, "is our wall colour." 'You've got upon our computers. We're really irnpor- to be kidding me," said Lisa, with obvitant, you know." Iqrint staff agreed on ous exasperation at Hilda's retardation. their importa'nce. Proofreader Lisa Jon piped up9'Well, it is organic." Johnson said, "It's vital that Imprinters Downstairs, Frank revealed his colour have lots of places on whch to sleep and ,pallette: "This is the dark green for the have sex. Our main couch is currently first layer of our faux fhish, whch we'll

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styrofoam newspaper, which will take up that entire wall, and then deal with the silverfish infq~tion." P

The Imprinitss, used ;o late nights laying out the paper, worked until 5:30 a.m while the W I R G team held a drum circle all night. When Hildsl decided to wanteaq informed der in at noon, ~e I.ui'~~t hex thatthey werd fkiphed. Surprised, she re*ked, "Ohy %U, $me I have a hair appoinyehuat Ipm, s k 7 Bc d i t a day!" ~ "Whese'are'th& co&pter$?" asked Frank. "!I didb'r want $ern tp get wet, so I left them in th? recy~hng-binsoutside the SLC. They're not ke?",asked Peter earnestly "Fra&, disple~sed:'T'eter, you are e$&s"ed, C+ sit in ,the c9rPe2 Okay, we'rg &iBft, &me cdm@itkr ec@pm~m, but ,it's not a ca~astrophe.~Whde I was walking through the city dump with my Grife' the other night, I found some relat i d y ufiused cardboard boxes. I'll just run and get those." After some fancy crayon action and the clever use of twine as comt puter cables, the cardboard boxes were placed on the desks, and the Iqnirters

ADINGSPACES

TLC comes to UW campus for the first of its Canadian shows being -propped up by a'dictionary, so it .. would be nice if Amy Wynn could do something about that." "Fuck off," responded carpenter Amy Wynn Pastor, "I'm not touching that stanky thing!" WPIRG projects co-ordinator Daryl Nov+ offered his only condition for their office: "Organic. We want as much of our decor as possible to come from the environrnent." Storage isn't a key requirement for WPIRG since it doesn't really do anything important. "Eht," said Narina Nagra, volunteer coordinator, "sometimes the person staffing the office during the six hours a week that we're open gets bored, so w wo.uld be gratefd for a computer to pl solitaire on." Hilda greeted the lmprint team, "What do you see for this room?" "Something organic," offered assistant editor Mark Schaan. "They are hippies after all." "Dark colours, too. Dark colours are representative of the womb,

$;

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roll on. And then 'put on this pea green with toilet paper. Finally, we dab on ths lime green using our thumbs and big toes." After painting, the WPIRGers moved on to slip-covering the couches. Since Amy Wynn refused to touch them, Frank decided to stick with the oripals. "There's an old saying in Texas: 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it,"' he said, oblivious to the fact &at &e couch is in fact broke.

Day one came to a close with Hilda nowhere to be found, but she left her team's homework assignment stuck into the manure wall paint: "I really hate to do this. I love it because (Ha-ha, no I doh't I'm a bitch, Did I just write that down? Oh, shit.) First, touch up the wall where I left this note, then trim the grass we planted as carpet and paint the windows black (two coats)." The WIRGers had a lighter load: "First finish the big

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would be none the wiser. Now for the revealing.

Togqther in a big bear hug with Paige Davis, the WPIRG team scudded into their new office. "Mmmm, it smells great!" "Is that manure on the walls? How clever!" "It's so organic! I'm never going to wanna leave here to go out and protest!" Joy to the WPIRG team. Now let's see how Inprint fared . .. "I'm not telling you again, woman, let the fuck go of my hand!" yelled Ryan. Paige dragged the Ipn'nt team into their new office,The Lv@rintersgazed in stupendous awe at their office. "Balls!" yelled Melanie. "Fuck me!" contributed Lisa. 'Where are our computers?"How the hell are we going to afford to fm this?" "Easy," answered Inpint Board of Directors president Jesse Helrner, "we'll just increase the Inpint student fee."


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Campus Clips March 29,2012 lones run amok on campus attempt by several math students to liven up the annual th Semi-Formal went horribly wrong y~sterdayas their oning experiment ended in Isaster. Math officials had, ed to clone 1,000 women to back up UY? president ey's promise that "every math student w h o comes to terloo will get laid in first year." Late yesterday evening, an unidentified m3th student spilled s Kool-Aidinto the cloningmixture, causing approximately dozen clones to grow to a height of 10 feet. The math tudents, initially excited at h s new development, were horified when their prospective dates broke up their Dungeons nd Dragons game and administered wedgies all around. 'Now I'D have to brmg my mom to the prom, again," said me disappointed student. The clones were last seen duct taping several engineering students to trees before c\caphg off campus. UW Police have ad\ ised students to throw rocks at any suspcious looking tall women. Degree in burgerology introduced UW academics broadened again today with the announcement that a bachelors in burgerology will now be available. This new program will fit nicely into UW's faculty of diminshed expectations and.real life slulls, formerly know as Arts. Needes Hall is getting into the act as well, as co-op placements have been arranged at McDonald's, Burger King and Fast Eddie's. Nazareth to run again Albert Nazareth will make h s 12th bid for the Feds presidency this year and has promised a campaign of fear, intimidation and thuggery Asked about his new approach to campaigmng, Nazareth said, "Hey, if I'm going to get fined, I might as well make it worth it." He added that the elections procedure mandates heavy fmes for placing your posters too close to that of a another candidate, but "you can have your goons hit your rivals over the head with a chair for practically no thing!" It's ACCESS until 2022 Co-op students will have to make do with Access for another decade as the trained monkey that CECS hired to design new co-op software choked on a banana and died. The problem is compounded by the fact that nobody either working for the university or going to school here was actually alive when ACCESS was programmed. It turns out that nobody actually knows how or why ACCESS works. "It's one of those questions you just don't ask," said a CECS employee.

Asked why ACCESS bas proved impossible to replace, a CECS representative said, "We think the problem is some sort of demonic possession. So we're hired the Pope to come in and preform an exorcism." For the 15th stright year, computer engineering students offered to construct a new online system for absolutely nothing, CECS has yet to respond to the offer. When asked if the offer might finally be actepted, a CECS representative said, Well, we'd like to try our luck with the Pope first, maybe next pear." Triple cohort to arrive next fall Waterloo wtll receive thliee times as many first-year students this fall due to Ontario Premier Ryan O'Connor's decision to compact all of high school into one year. UW has a well-planned approach to deal with this impending space crisis. Tent cities will be established around all major academic bduldings, new slums will be built on the playing fields, and homeless students W111 be encouraged to squat in the RIM buildings. UW president Farley sounded upbeat, saymg, "Similar measures have effectively dealt with space crises in Afghanistan, Bosnia and Rwanda." There was less support for Farley's "UW Future Housing Plan," when it was revealed that his entire presentation consisted of nothing but old reruns of the Jetsons. Killer bees now on cambus After years of patient waiting, UW students can now meet and greet the latest addition to our campus' bi~diversity,&r bees. Global warming has allowed the yellow and black critters to take up residence along Laurel creek. Swarms of thousands of bees are known to be drawn to strong body odour and their stings are quite fatal. President Farley dismissed the threat to student safety, saying, "Oh well, stinky mathies get . lulled by killer bees all the time." N e w rules for frosh hour Catherine Scott has introduced sweeping new regulations for UWS frosh hour after last fall's messy incident in which a first-year student drank his milkshake too fast and got an ice cream headache. Frosh hour 2012 will feature a complete ban on sugar and running with scissors. Bedtime has been moved up to 8 p.m. Luckily, Sharon, Lois and Brahrn have been signed to reprise last year's wonderful concert. Scott's elite PAC0 SS w d be on hand to ensure that absolutely nobod; has any fun whatsoever. m Misprint

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Art found on campus

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he UW fine arts department has always had a stunning reputation for thought-provokmg art, but they have truly &done themselves this time. One stands in mardment at the sheer audacity of this new exhibit. UW fine arts is truly reaching out to the people, and instead of holding a show at the traditional hbme of East Campus Hall, they have sprinkled installations hither and thither around campus for those who are too ignorant or lazy to stumble to the art gallery. One has to appreciate this attempt to include the plebnns In great art. It is rare that one can connect with art on such a visceral and intellectual level. But connect tndeed one does! The centrepiece of the exhibit is a stunning installation with the emgrnauc title, "Vomit in Back Stairs of SLC." This piece improves on work by abstract artists of the 1970s, Pollock in particular. The arrangement of the chunks of matter is orchestrated with excellent precision. It almost brmgs tears to one's eyes and the scent of envy to one's nose. "Brubaker Special" is another piece of pure art genius. It craftily mixes mediums such as pasta and ground beef. This work is almost impressionisticin its harsh lines. Da Vinci would have been proud. Ele-

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ments blur together in a thrilling souffli., quite literally. "Crushed Coke Can" is a powerful take on the sterility of post-modern existence. There is a definite Warhol influence in this piece, whch also reminds one of the tentative nature of life. Though powerful, the installa~onhas a vulnerability - its 16 *utes of fame could quickly draw to a close. I think we can all identify with the emptiness invoked by tlus powerful piece. Because really, aren't we all just unwanted pop cans left out to be stepped on by the harsh realities of the world? Several other works, including "Melting Slush," "Nike Fooqnint," "Torn Poster" and "Abandoned Cigarette," challenge

conceptions of beauty and meaning in almost Lichenstienian ways. These pieces deconstruct modern tropes of meaning, while presenting them in a completely realisuc context. One is drawn to their innocence, wanting to protect them like a small bird. This exh~bitwill leave one pensive but not sad, anxious but not afraid and alone but not unloved. Once agam LW fine arts has mounted a thrilling showcase of excitmg works by UW student artists. The use of campus space is a feat of artistic genius that Albert Einstan hunself would be proud of. These artists are defmtely ones to watch in the future. Retchel I. Beatnik


Smaller Laurier students change the rules

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sons, the Hawks have only won five games, and then only by forfeit. The OUA decision evens the field, according to Laurier centre Predrag Veira, who towers above his tern-mates, measuring an even 4'. "For years Laurier athletes have been jeered on and off the court. We have beeh playing at a significant disadvantage and the other teams have simpjy stepped over us on thek path to vicroiy." Waterloo men's head coach Tom Nickel was disappointed by the decision: 'All this means is that our players are going t ~ h a v e to watch where they step to avoid crushing members of the opposing team. Why Laurier has to whine to the OUA, I don't know. Does this mean that we can now complain because all of their urinals are too low in the change rooms?" 'Whether they have more players or not, the fact remains that the Laurier Hawks can't play basketball," said Warrior centre Joshua Munkley. "Why? Because Wilf men can't jump. Instead of being able to watch five players stumble and scramble all over the court, we will now be treated to twice the fun." Knee! Moogalagook

ce

How things work: Really small Laurier students

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eneticists and anthropologists have is the saine, but the change has been much descended upon Wilfrid Laurier more rapid. Normally, height diminishes University to study a remarkable evolu- in subsequent 'generations before stabitionary anomidly. Preliminary statistics lizing to beneficial height. With the show that Laurier students are head and Laurier students, the height loss occurs shoulders below the rest: students lose within one individual. We can only conbetween one and two feet in height over clude that the Laurier environment has a their first two terms at Laurier, before sta- detrimental effect on the physiological state of the human body." bilizing at an average height of 3'5". These evolutionary changes ave been Miqtinthad a chance to discuss the situatiofi with anthropologist Mervin St. accelerated by "the Laurier diet. ' On its John-Smythe of the Harvard Medical own, Laurier cafeteria food has a demSchool. "There are historical examples mental effect on the human body. Comwhere a species adapts to its surround- bined with the Turret house beer, the ef, ings over thousands of years. The Unga fects can be quite damaging. When test subjects were faced with this Pu people of the African equatorial forest are a prime example. They have noxious combination, the digestive sysevolved into' a sub-species of h m a n that tem refused to break down the food and has an average height of 4'. This height flushed it out as quickly as possible. As allows them to qavel through t h ~ ~ d e n s e an alternative, the digestive system turned jungle withd;ut having to duck under fallen to the test subject's own body mass for favourable digestible material resulting in / tree trunks. "The situation with the Laurier students a loss of bone, muscle and tissue.

+,

This process is fascinating, according to St.John Smythe: "Rather th& simply consume the body from the inside out, a Laurier student's body has developed the ability to selectivelydigest the body. Each body part is thus sduced by approximately 25 to 50 per cent of its size. It appears to be a survival tactic to try and outlive the Laurier experience." Long-accustomed to swooping in on attention-starved UW women, male Laurier students have now found up self-respecting women more d~fficult with their eyes sitting permanently at breast level. After graduation, Laurier students eventually regain their size and are able to interact with normal society, The psychological effects of being subjected to the Laurier atmosphere, which are the subject of a follow-up study, appear to be longer lasting. Kneel Moogalagook

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upcoming book: "Sir, you'll have put your pants back on if jrdu want lunc by Crass E.T.

dential canhdate. Luckilly enough, my last

them to come

political arts.

All that aside, here5 how I took my man

Day 6:Bitten by s

se tetanus shots.

towards the top in 2002. Day 1: Campaign launch at the Network! I made sure to hire their top tgent, the

Day 15: Election results mght. T h s is takmg too long and I'm really dying for a drink. What do you mean the voting was o d n e ? Nobody told me that. Things

Day 7: I h k the Tibor complained

Rob Robson's.

Network promotion, so I mported cheap Mexican migrant farm workers to help with the campaign. I've got them putting up posters, cra&ng out buttons, pushing people around, the usual. Plus they're farming my backyard for me. I'm paying them with monopoly money. They'll never know the difference. Day I; Immigrauon Canada called, who knew there were laws about this sort of ,thing?I didn't see anythmg about it in the Feds election bylaws. I get to keep the Mexicans for now, but my trial starts next week. 20

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quired a tetanus shot. Day 9: Slomka Man B. It's crunch ume here, We're lunng her to a bridal show, then we're gonna stuff her in a burlap sack for a few weeks. Tlbor is gomg to put on a wig and impersonateher for the remamder of the carnpagn. Day 10: Brenda Slomka bit me. Reqm-ed two tetanus shots. I

Day 11: My b ~ gday m court, hopefully they ceunt my work on the election as commu~lltyservice. T~borand Carlos have

a toilet and my pants had gone mssmg. Rob Robson threatened to bite me, but he smiled when he said it. So what if we ddn't win this time around, Nazareth has already slgned up my man to be on his team next time around. Strangely enough he didn't aak if I was available. Day 17: Someone left a s ~ r einl my bed. Required a t e t a n u o

2STd

2

The author zs curt-e tb re nng in hospial Heplans to begtn a book tour soon, lookfor hts earlier works "Bztch, z t ain 'tgonnastlck itseg " and %Glass ceihng, asass ceiling."


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: you are turning the pages 0f.a satirical