The Voice of OppressedStudentRaven - okay... we made that up
Friday, April 1, 1989 . . when the grass was greener, the beer was sweeter and life was good l
Downey stages coup UW cowers as martial law imposed by Missy
events, Downey replaced the UW Police with an elite group of “shock troopers,” dressed in black coveralls and hoods. The troopers moved quickly and arrested known campus radical David Eby in connection with the fire. Downer has subsequently ordered that all “radicals and WPIRGers”
resident James Downey has seized sole power and declared martial law at UW following the disappearance of incoming President DavidJohnson amid the outbreak of a mysterious fire which gutted Needless Hell. Johnson, former Principal of McGill, was scheduled to take over from Downey in June. Johnson came to visit campus Thursday, March 11. Witnesses say he was met by individuals wearing black coveralls and hoods. They “invited” him to attend an Iron Ring Ceremony event. Johnson has not been seen since. Misprint sources suggest he is currently being held captive in secret tunnels underneath the campus, and is being force-fed Brubaker’s food. Two weeks later a fire broke out in Needless Hell. Firefighters D owney’s forces staging on the border of the campus, were unable to stop the blaze, as preparing for the push on Connestoga Mall. their trucks were blocked by hordes of cheering co-op students. Insisting that the disappearance and be rounded up for “security reasons.” fire were proof that “subversives and soAlso part of the emergency decree, c’ialists are undermining this campus,” Downey has disbatided the UW Senate Downey proclaimed a state of emergency. and Board of Governors, naming himself In order to “better investigate” the “suspisole authority for “the duration of the cricious circumstances” surrounding the Sk.” Caxe~e editor Chris Redmond has
been named Propaganda Minister. Asked for comment, Redmond muttered something about trolls coming to get him and ran off to hide under a bridge. Needless Hell having been rendered uninhabitable (moreso) by the fire, Downey has annexed Fed Hall to serve as his HQ. It is rumoured that a bunker is being built underneath the former night club. Federation President-eiect Christine Cheng says she is not worried by the devetopments. Waving a piece of paper in the air, she stated, “1 have spoken with Mr. Downey, and we have reached an agreement. There will be no further expansion. I believe there is peace in our time.” Meanwhile, there are reports that large numbers of Downey’s shock troops are gathering on the borders of the campus. Misprint has attained a copy of a secret document entitled Unbtnigof Waterloo Muster Plan which seems to lay out plans for the annexation of all North Waterloo. Observers speculate that an invasion may be imminent. When asked to explain the strange happenings, Downey replied, “Harris wants amalgamation? I’ll show him amalgamation! One city! One university! One President!! !”
Blades back, casualites soar Judy Bubnig is taking no prisoners by Avy Dtbed Mbpfn t staff
n the week immediately following the elimination of the ban on rollerblades at the University of Waterloo, over 20 students have died and authorities are still identifying [counting] bodies. “This was possibly the worst decision we have ever made,” said Eline Coolster, head of parking services at the university. “We knew we were right to maintain the ban, and now I guess we can only say ‘We told you so.“’ The first victim, Brian McArthur, was run over by 13 different skaters only 10 seconds after the Health and Safety committee struck the ban from the official traffic policy. He survived, but has since
become a radical anti-rollerblading activist. “They’re hell on wheels,” he maintains, “there is no possible way to operate these deadly vehicles safely. You might as well give a child a lit stick of dynamite as give a UW student a pair of what I like to call ‘death blades [on wheels].“’ Another anti-rollerblading activist took matters into her own hands as she climbed to the top of the Dana Porter Library with a high-powered rifle. Screaming, “All rollerbladers must pay, and then the bikers should pay too !” she took potshots at passing skaters. Fortunately, the only victim was the boar in front of Modern Languages, who is listed in critical condition at Grand River Hospital. Professor Judy Bubnig has been charged with attempted murder and pos-
News: Imprint lays the smackdown ................................ Features: iMac - your kind of cult ................................ Science & Technology: Dihydrogen oxide conspiracy uncovered Sports: Imprint staffer kidnapped by curling team Arts: Forgettably gdod ........................................... ....................
session of an unlicenced firearm. The Health and Safety board has called an emergency meeting for next month in which they will begin discussions on possibly opening up the. flow examining the possibility of inviting submissions of several subcomittees on the topic of re-evaluating the ban for possible re-implementation. “We’ve got a rush on it,” said head of the Health and Safety board Jim Weatherspoon, “We should have this thing on the table for Fall 2003.” Students throughout campus have begun demonstrations to insist that the ban be put back into place. WPIRG has been leading the charge, suggesting that students take a car to school, rather than rollerblade.
2 5 6 7 8
Imprint strikes back
Apathy... oh never mind It’s so quiet.
It’s kind of creepy.”
::::.:Jp:J::.:. ,,:,:-‘.-.A.. .::__ _.... Ez::
eve onen- ” He refused
concern, “I don’t really said Schnieder, “1 . . .” , Profs have not been complaining about reduced attendance at lectures, but some have attributed this to classes who were not motivated to leave after their previous lecturcs had ended. “I’m not really worried,”
Couches at the SLC have been fully occupied by students for the past three days straight as they sit and sit. Turnkey
rebel at a 19% tuition hike. “As long as they keep paying tuition, UW is open for business,” said chair Mike Harrit, “Brubaker’s
they just sit there.
T WholesomeFun! UW studentsdon’t needthosenasty,drug-infestedravesto have fun! We the UW Administration want to offer studentsan eveningof good,clean,alternativeentertainment,featuring. . .
DJ Katherine Scot
he most vicious organization on campus just got that much more vicious. After years of faithfully and timidly returning the $4.10 Imprint fee to illiterate bastards on campus, the potters at the wheel of student consciousness in Room 1116 of the SLC have hired what is being known as the Imprint Revenge Squad. “It’s magnificent,” cackled outgoing Editor In Chief Kieran Green. “If you get your $4.10 back, I suggest you sleep with one
EL) dissolved the rior exec and burned any remainingcopies of the paper. The IRS’ new objective is to fmd and eliminate any subversive troglodytes attempting to obtain their Imprint refund. After breaking through many security codes, this reporter was able to gain access to the IRS’ hit list. Unfortunately, I thought I might have heard footsteps, so I blindly ran like a fool until I wound up in what seemed to be a very hot tunnel. I emerged from an oven in the Brubacher’s kitchen safe and sound, but alas, the paper had been burned during the trip. Indeed, I suggest you sleep with one eye opwerihuieurh....ghack, .. . .khuurg . . ..
Tories plan %nal solution” to OAC bulge
and his Polka Orchestra
me tell you, 7Ze
sumed scared) (“calculate this I [ blam blam blam]“), the IRS moved on to finish off the Iron Wan+. After finding a severed Tool head
UW Administration presents an evening of
fter months and months of consultation amongst themselves, the new-est government group-think initiative has been dictated: “Commonsense reveals that it is only common-sense
only common-sense.” “This is great for all co-op students,” said Bruce Lumbnut. “Most co-op students barely make more that $40,000 a year. The feared influx of students will not be an issue any longer <chuckle>.” New job postings have been inciuded in the next round of continuous phase, stating
“We’re just fucking lucky that university
students don’t give a shit or someone might notice and protest or something.” Chaperones
will be provided.
Proper attire expected.
skirts will length.
be measured at the door to ensure they are of suitable and modest No drugs, no weapons, no attitude. Also no smoking, no drinking, no slow dancing, no kissing, no cursing, no spitting, no yelling, no dirty jokes, no body yiercings no
no catcoos, no wierd haircuts, cvcr!.
to eliminate QAC.” Minister of Edumacation John-stoned added, “no, <sigh>, not the academic year. We’re killing the fucking students, okay? Get it? The students have to go, permanently. It’s
simply: “We’ve heard UW students are the least empathic students around. We will test your ability to care 1~:~s co the limits. continued
Thursday, April 1, 1989
No more Hwy. 7 byHotlipsHooMgan M/spn’nt
nvironmentalists across Ontario are calling it the most respectable, but overwhelmingly confusing, decision ever made by a government organization. The Ministry of Transportation (MTO) has decided to abandon all plans to build the new highway 7 between Kitchener and Guelph. CL S u c h thoughtless and unsustainable development is ridiculous,” said Mark Scottie, a spokesperson for the MT0 and employee of McSmack Build-Before-WeThink Engineers. “We’ve simply got to save our precious and irreplaceable wetlands - we’ve got to think of the birds, dammit!” With this statement, Scottie’s eyes filled with tears and he ran out of the room. The decision is rocking the environmental community. Quite
frankly, most environmental groups fear this is a sick and twisted joke - a cruel and sadistic hoax that plays on their emotions. “I think the MT0 is on crack,” said Billy Bob Green, from the Kitchener Oh-SoGreen Committee. “We were just kidding, we really want Highway 7, Now what do we protest against?” The MT0 has gone so far as to announce that the existing Highway 7 will be removed and a “beautiful walk-
“I think the MT0 is on crack.”
put in it’s place. costs, feasibility and convenience are non-issues according to the MTO. Careful statistical analysis by the MT0 has shown that it will take commuters approximately 7 hours, 4 minutes and 2.3 seconds to walk between the two city boundaries. Environmentalists are calling this inconvenient and unsustainable, We can expect this new plan to begin when hell freezes over.
byaTrainedMonkey VPtnfemd spt?cid ti Msprint ok ook ook eek ook arh arh aaaaahhheeek ook eeeeee oook aahaahaah oo oo ook ack thpth! All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts, His acts being seven ages. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms. And then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel And shining morning face, creeping like a snai1
Unwillingly to school. And the lover, Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier, Full of strange oaths and bearded like the bard, Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel, Seeking the bubble reputation Even in the cannon’s mouth, And then the justice, In fair round belly with good capon lined, With eyes severe and beard of formal cut, Full of wise saws and modern instances; And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts Into the lean and slipper’d then
pan taloon, With spectacles on nose and pouch on side, His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice, Turning again toward childish treble, pipes And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all, That ends this strange eventful history, Is secdnd childishness and mere oblivion, Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything. Oooook! Eek eek eek aahh arrrrr oo oo eeeeeeeeaaaaakkk hoo hoo hoot eeep screech oohooh ook ook awrack thpth haahaaah sckreee! Ook ook I am Canadian.
Admin out on
their asses by
ast Thursday administration officials announced that Needles Hall was officially out of space. The solution: portables. Beginning next term, portables will appear on the front lawn of the building. The first department to move onto the lawn will be Co-op. “Let’s face it. We’re lowest on the pole compared to administration and the
Registrar, so they’re turfing us out first.” Despite the negative impact portables are sure to have on employers, it’s the only alternative until enough money is found in the ever-shrinking tuition pot to pay for a new building. Students Advising Co-op Commissioner Paul ‘Short CurlyHaired Funny-Looking Guy” Schreiber is loudly advocating for a SAC portable, to be placed directly in front of the front doors of Needles Hall.
You are invited.to join in UW’s first ATOP barnraising!
Ryan Chen-Wing gets misquoted again continued
We may want you for a special duty.” The postings have included a hazard pay clause and a firearm training workshop. They have also stated they are an equal opportunity employer. The Minister of Love stated he had “heard that those little fuckers are pretty slimy, most carry guns and knives to school and some of our cleaners, urn, employees will die. But with weak computer skills what else could they expect? Them’s the breaks.” Mike Harrass was quoted saying that, “We decided to eliminate OACers to save money. We’re just fucking lucky that university students don’t give a shit or someone might notice and prorest or something.” Students have seen but a trickle of smoke emit from the smokestack at PlantOps but the
Greenmen assure Misprint that it will be ready to perform its duty. I was quoted saying, “I don’t give a shit about those fucking kids, or my fucking tuition, in fact I don’t give a shit about anything, kill me now, dammit. I’m tired of writing these fucking stories that no one fucking reads.” Ryan Chen-Wing said in an interview with Lois Amono, K-W CD undCussel~ “Yes, I can do an interview with you now.” He added “I don’t like them [but, the deaths are great and by the way I like it when you change the connotation of my quotes by writing extensively in parentheses].” Robin Stewart, VP Edumacation commented, “I have something to say on this issue, it’s related to my portfolio, quote me? Stay tuned for round two: Project Soylent Green.
Unfortunately, UW does not have the financial resources to build the extra buildings and facilities necessary to cope with the expansion planned under ATOP. So, to save costs, all faculty, sta.E and students are invited to join in a good old fashioned barnraising! If we can’t get someone else to build our buildings, by gum we’ll put ‘em up ourselves!
Anyone not participating will be shunned.
bjection: You’ve failed miserably at proving that the Christian God exists. Reply: You’re right (Part 1 of several thousand). Unfortunately, my personally lauded 100 percent Absolute Proof Positive of the Existence of God did not make it to print last week. The editor said he forgot. However, I still managed to get enough hate mail to completely rebut the article, so I’ve given it up as a lost cause. I’ll agree, then, that I can’t prove with 100 per cent certainty that the Christian God exists. However, there are many ways’ to demonstrate that this belief is a very reasonable one. 1 now intend to present an unusual, but very convincing, argument for the validity of the Christian faith. I call it the Destructive Case Argument. There is only one axiom: that someone somewhere on Earth at some time has gotten it right. In other words, there is a religion out there which is completely true. Ifyou are silly enough to disagree with this, then by your own admission you’re wrong about other things (notably your world view) anyway, so you can’t be trusted. Hence this axiom is, literally, indisputably true. But with this simple initial axiom, then if one shows that every other religion is fundamentally flawed, and cannot possibly be correct, then the Christian religion is the only reasonable alternative. This is the short and inestimably sweet argument I will be outlining over the next thousand or so of my articles. In this week’s column I demolish the Egyptian pantheon: in particular, the Sun God Ra, alleged creator of the Universe. Let us try to give a reasonable, logical argument for the existence of Ra. Suppose Ra existts and is the creator of the Universe (the Ra Hypothesis, RH). If RH is true, then we should expect evidence of Ra being the Universe’s all-powerful creator and intelligent designer. Also, we should expect to find that people generally have an awarenqs of the existence of Ra (“pounded into their brains”). Also, we should expect that there would exist those who worship Ra; and we expect that Ra would exact retribution on those who do not do so. Finally, we should expect evidence that there is in fact a deity, Ra, driving the sun across the sky. Now consider the following seemingly indicative data: (D1) Obviously the Big Bang would bear a strong resemblance to the sun if you stared at either for long enough. Since the Big Bang is the force which created the Universe, one sees strong evidence for the Universe being Ra’s handiwork. (DZ) Most people have heard of Ra, at least thanks to the movie “Stargate” (which,
since Ra created the Universe, is his doing as well). So general awareness of Ra is quite high. Making this even more logically valid, note that many people shout Ra’s name at sporting events (this falls under D3, as well). (D3) There is impressive historical evidence that the people of ancient Egypt did, in fact, worship Ra. I read a number of books on archeology, where experts painstakingly examined the Egyptian temples, scriptures and lifestyle. I found nothing convincing, but then I asked Frank, who I roomed with in 2A and who is apparently a 2698-year-old Pharaoh, according to him. (Come celebrate his icosaheptacentennial next Fall!) So there were, indeed, many people who worshipped Ra. (D4) Note that there were millions of crop failures all over the world last year alone. Not one of the farmers whose crops failed worshipped Ra! Therefore, failure to worship Ra leads to crop failure. This clearly demonstrates Ra’s retribution on those who spite him. (DS) There is evidence that the theory of gravitation (e.g. force acting at a distance, the Earth not falling into the sun) baffles many elementary school students and politicians. A better theory is needed. While no one has actually seen Ra driving the sun, it is entirely possible he is pushing it from behind, so is not visible. While there is no direct evidence for Ra driving the. sun, there is also no direct evidence against it, which is good enough (this isn’t rocket science). Sure, RH could be false; but it seems very reasonable to believe. Before you go about worshipping false gods and such, though, I must point out that there is a subtle logical flaw in the above argument. The observant of you may have already spotted it. That’s right: I misspelled “exists” in the statement of RH. So RH is nonsense, and not even a valid logical statement. All of our evidence for RH is worthless, and the argument fails. Since we have failed to logically prove Ra’s existence, Ra cannot possibly exist. The Egyptians either lacked brilliant philosophers, or had papyrus fumes on the brain, or else I expect they would have realized the truth long before Moses had to beat it into them. ’ I must caution you to read the above argument very carefully, and to make sure you understand it, before replying to me through mail. Frivolous letters (asking silly questions, disagreeing with me, etc.) will be discarded. Mail bombs will be returned to sender. Next week: existtence of the Aztec Gods (AGH) is discredited,
Enslaved children do great work
n keeping with the principles and ethics of the CIRG, we have continued our efforts of enslaving the children of the world for the betterment of corporate interests and its research. While many have attempted to argue that we do little or nothing, they would be pleased to know that this year alone we have enslaved twenty-four new children who otherwise would have lived selfsufficient lives and been of no benefit to JOin us the global corporate world. As well. the CIRG has successfully implemented its new project with used bicycles. The CIRG has been stealing perfectly good bicycles from across the city to ensure a broader consumer base for the market and to maintain the practicality and conveniencc of pollution-causing single automabiles. This project hopes to stimulate our current dependence on fossil fuels as well as contributing to the greater demands on un-unionised Mexican auto-part labour. Once again the CIRG has achieved a wonderful success for corporate interests. Those of you not heading home for
the Easter weekend (a wonderful consumerist fair) will want to join us for our “buyin.” We at the CIRG have worked especially hard at luring Nike, Gap, Banana Republic and many others to the SLC for this weekend only. We’ll be locking ourselves into the multi-purpose room of the SLC for twentyfour straight hours of consuming heaven. This “Buy Every. . for
iii~iv?~~~~iiiI~i with special sections dedicated to products produced with ununionised or sweatcome early as seating L
shop labour. Please will be limited. The WCIRG is dedicated to preserving and promoting the corporate interests on the UW campus. This year has been one of our hrkhtest and best. Upcoming projects for next year include renaming the University after Nortel and removing students from the Board of Governors. For all those interested, this article was researched and written by an enslaved child, Please continue to support and contribute to the effects of your CIRG.
Worshipping at the Church of iMac by Pave1 Schreibercw M&m-n t stiff
he second coming of the offspring of the Great Jobs is at hand! Repent and be saved, ye scum-sucking sinners, for I have tasted the Apple and witnessed iMac’s delivexante of it from the crimson shores of the Eleventh Level of Hell, and ye shall know its name when it lays its vengeance upon thee! Through Its righteous teachings, you will learn to be satisfied in a Mac is monogamous relatlonship with your only mouse button; your every triple-click, a staccato hymn to the infinite vision of Jobs! Bereft of floppy, it will force you to see the error of your ways and leave portable media behind
Mother! Mac is Father! All hail mighty Mac! for the Network is the only true path into kingdom.com! And when the Icon of Bomb finally defeats Micros topheles and its Blue Sky of Death; and when Geethree traps Intelzebub in the Floating Point, humankind will
know eight perity
27,000 years (and fortydays) of unhindered prosand correct calculations. The time is at hand and the only true path to Nirvana is to bask in iM& glorious presence - preferably one of each flavour.
The right-handed conspiracy by Ellen
here is an evil conspiracy on campus+ No, I’m not talkingaboutco-oporthe way your professors make everything due on the same day. I’m talking about the conspiracy that leads to both emotional and physical trauma for many people - the right-handed conspiracy. Almost anywhere you go on campus you will see evidence of this diabolical conspiracy and it’s spreading. It’s bad enough that us poor lefthanded people are Crue-lly forced to use right-handed scissors and can openers, but the actions of “The Campus Conglomerate” must be stopped! On average, if you encounter a set of double doors on campus in places such as the PAC, Hagey Hall or the SLC, there will only be one door unlocked-the righthand one. By doing this, the Cam-
pus Conglomerate hopes to convert “lefties” by creating a pattern of positive and negative reinforcement. If a left-handed person gives into instinct and naively reaches out with their left hand to open a left door, they run the risk of permanently damaging their fingers, and ripping out their fingernails when the door does not open. They are forced to deliberately override their natural instincts and open the right hand door. As time
mind! This conspiracy must be stopped! I encourage all lefties and sympathetic right-handed people to join together to fight this evil. Conventional methods will not work against the Campus Conglomerate - only open revolt and violent action will show them that we are aware of their actions and will not tolerate them. Steal the keys to the doors and open the left ones, and lock the right ones. Or simply refuse to the use the doors and find
As time continues, the poor leftie starts to associate negative feelings with using their left hand. . continues, the poor leftie starts to associate negative feelings with using their left hand, and in a desperate attempt to fit in, refuses to try and open any more of the left doors. Soon, it may get to the point that there are no left-handed people on campus still in their
itting on a lovely, knotty wooden bench in a park somewhere in Northern Ireland, I take a sip of the smooth Kilkenny beer I cradle like a small innocent child in my hands I am completely and utterly intoxicated; my mind is a whirlpool of lager and inspirational thoughts. The bench I rest on is made from an old tree, a hard wood that is soft and sensitive on the inside. I can tell this by the way it’s contours envelope my buttocks - I feel that the bench and 1 qe kindred spirits meeting once lgain in Ireland. Through the haze of alcohol I can make out the delicious splendor Ireland is offering to me. And by God, it is a bountiful, beautiful, boisterous green offering. The deep green hills before me roll on for an eternity. The verdant horizon eventually meshes with the bluebell sky to become one. A man and woman skip by me in that oh-so-very-Irish skipping style. My drunk head flops to the side and I am lucky enough to make eye contact with the woman. Immediately I notice the soothing, translucent colour of her inviting green Irish eyes. They
. ~a~r~a~~~~ zndE-;$ izer:Sewer
We at Misprinthave created a “Fight the Conspiracy” fund. Please drop off any donations or suggestions for effective revolutionary actions (we really don’t have any use for ineffective ones) at the Misprint offtce. Join the revotution and take the future- into your hand -your left hand, that is.
pierce through me Iike Darth Vader’s light sabre; like a hot green light sabre driving into the very core of my being. Tearing my eyes away from hers, I look up and see that I am sheltered by the rich and lush green canopy of an old standing timber. The leather-like leaves are a shade of green that one can only fmd in Ireland; a green so spectacular that it transcends the traditional colourwheel. They are not hunter green, they are not the colour of celery, they are not emerald green. The leaves are not even a colour; they are a feeling. A feeling that causes introspection of the profoundest kind. Or maybe it’s the 12 pints I had that are causing that. In any regard, speckles of the sun filter down to kiss my drunk Canadian skin. Staring up at the sky and my protective canopy makes me immensely dizzy. Suddenly my beautiful Irish world is spinning around me. It is an Irish merrygo-round that I do not want to be on. In a violent beer-induced adrenaline rush, my body purges itself of it’s drivel. I Iook at the mess I have made and smile. It is green.
Dihydrogen oxide conspiracy uncovered by Robertus Van Korpustum Resident Mad Scientist
esterday, documents were delivered to the Misprint that reveal a heinous conspiracy involving both UW Administration and Food Services. The conspiracy, adding dihydrogen oxide to all on-campus sources ofwater, was confirmed by an impartial testing laboratory. Administration is protecting Food Services monopoly over on-campus food concessions in return for Food Services adding dihydrogen oxide to everything that contains water. The concentration, at 100 per cent, is high enough to cause concern. Levels as low as 15 per cent have been known to cause apathy in rats and higher primates. University students, at best not much more advanced than simple primates, are thought to be extremely susceptible to apathy and coercion brought on by exposure to levels of only 75 per cent. Christian Provenzano, Feds Presider? t, is outraged at the new findings. “The stu-
Crack-bits by the,hletaMced and Woody Mispdnt s&R
dents don’t need the administration forcing apathy on them. Most of them don’t really care, but they might if given a chance.” He is heading a student task group, composed of heavy beer drinkers, to study the problem. “For some reason,” he states, “beer neutralizes the effects of di hydrogen oxide.” Dr, Bols, a UW biology professor explains how dihydrogen oxide works. “It attaches to receptors in the body where H,O would bind. Once attached, it leads to a lack of interest in things like basic student government, human rights and oncampus raves.” l3ols argues that long-term exposure could lead to lack of commitment to repaying student loans. Now that the contamination has been discovered, students couldn’t really care less. One student was quoted as saying, “Who really cares? I mean what effect does it have on me?” Misprint is leaking the story because we have to fill space. I mean, really, who cares?
Monkey gets Microshaft Certification, joins Feds
‘*This is a triumph in the field of monkey training,” quipped animal trainer Dr. Ballard. “Now that our monkeys have passed the MCSE, we plan to lead them to The Penis99 upgrade is reportedly a greater tasks like shoveling dirt, drinking big success in the Gates household, and beer or becoming Misprint’s System Adhas finally sated Gates’ envy of “Big Willy” ministrator. After hearing the news, the Clinton. Penis 98, although running satisFederation of Students announced that factory on most platforms was having diffrthey would be adding a new executive culties making the jump from software to position of VP-Primate to take advantage hardware, of the low cost of bananas. Feds president Gates has refused to comment at this “Crusty” Christian Provezanavenozov extime on rumours that Penis99 is not YZK plained that “This new position will allow compliant. Boy, that would be a bigembarthe rest of our executive to spend their rassment for the big G. + remaining out-of-Bomber time in the Bombergettingdnmk where they belong.”
Microshaft’s “Little Willy” gets penile implants
BigMac Engineers It’s finally evident that MacDonald’s is not using real beef for their burgers. In an attempt to steal the glory from Apple’s iMac, MacDonald’s has introduced flourescent patties as their newest fast food offering. They come in the tasty flavours of hot pink, puke green, radioactive orange, urine yellow and the original shit brown. A MacDonald’s executive said that, “Cars come in different colours so why shouldn’t Big Mats.” Customers are lining up in droves for the opportunity to coordinate their burger with their wardrobe. “Best of all,” remarked one such customer, ‘4Now when I throw up afterwards, it just blends into my shirt.”
for a screw
Ask any UW Engineer and they can always remember having the tool. “But the problem is,” said EngSoc President Ryan C hen-Wing, “We can’t find a good screw.” An engineering student angrily responded “That this damn tool smells and it scares everyone away. Whenever we bring our tool out to fit it for a screw, people just vomit their lungs out.” Arts students are, by one report, hiding the screw that they believe the engineers are madly searching for. Misprint Science suspects that the boar outside of Modern Languages ate the screw years ago.
Giant intergalactic crack-induced
The secret of the stickiness Misprint news has discovered a secret hidden for years in the Math building: the cause of the stickiness of the couches in the Computer Science Club office. Unfortunately immediately after calling the Misprint offke, the unnamed reporter caught a serious case of nerdity and refused to leave. In order to avoid spreading the contagion any further, Misprint has decided not to reveal the CSC Secret, and is in the process of thoroughly fumigating their own office.
Bingo ’til you drop every Friday,
Saturdav and Sunday at Fed Hall. fiecause, hey, wnat else are you gonna do at Fed Hall on the weekend? Have a rave?
Following the announcement in the journal SEience of the impending collision with earth by a giant, bondi blue space worm, the scientific community was in an uproar. Today, the European Space Observatory has finally announced that after searching the sky for a week, they can find no evidence of the so-called “Worm of Doom.” They have accused the American researchers of “smoking too-much of that bad CoIumbian crack, and damn it, they wouldn’t give us any, or we’d be seeing the worm too.”
Varsity curlers kidnap Imprint writer bY bY Misprint
n Friday night, while preparing for a night out, Iniprint sports writer Kate Schwass was kidnapped by the Varsity Curling team. Amid a flurry of brooms and screams of “Hard, hard, hard,” Kate was taken to a location that was described as cold and icy. The letter arrived yesterday. It read “We’ve got Kate. We want an apology or you’ll never see her again.” This was in reference to her article on the CurlingTeam and their alleged partying. Imprint went to a meeting with the team at Loose Change Louie’s. “First of
all, we want it known that we don’t party. We are all very serious stude....hey, you spilled beer on me!” Imprinthas learned a valuable lesson. We apologized to the curling team for its earlier story and we now know that they don’t party. They are just enthusiastically festive. Also, since they paid for the 14 pitchers and six pounds of wings, we decided to invite them to our end-of-term party. They drank two cases of Canadian and ate four plates of nachos...but they did notparty. Good for them. Boy, do we have egg on our faces! Kate is back and has since joined the curling team. She will attend her first bonspiel next fall. Good luck, Kate!
UW opens Mano Museum by Hack
ith Warrior basketball fans mourning the loss of star point guard Mano Watsa due to graduation, Department of Athletics head Judy McCrea has announced some unusual renovations to the Physical Activities Complex. “As it is, the I’AC simply can’t continue to operate without the continued presence of Mano,” said McCrea. “So instead of pouring money into useless and
many framedImprint covers of Mano from the past. The Warriors band will be locked in their office and forced to play “Waterloo, Waterloo” 24 hours a day, seven days a week as a team of Mano Girls dance every hour on the hour. When asked about how this will affect his basketball team, Coach Tom K&wetter sobbed and dropped his head to his desk, the words “broken man” fairly written all over him. “It’s over,” he whimpered, “over. 1 have no hope. I mean, do you expect me to work with the rest of these troglodytes
“I was down with that rave. I had three hits of E ready to drop. Then Kalbfleisch opened his big mouih and Scott cancelled it on me!” - President James Downey outdated enterprises like squash and aerobics, we’ll keep the spirit of Mano here forever. For fun and profit!” The brand new Mano Museum will have many features designed to keep Warrior fans coming back. The squash courts will be outfitted with top holographic technology and a basketball hoop so that customers can go one-on-one with a holoh;iano. The weight rooms and activity rooms will be converted to memorabilia and the
while my one-and-only hope for the future goes off and gets a job?!?” After confiscating this reporter’s notepad (actually, I had a tape recorder; it was a notepad of his that I swiped before he got there) Kieswetter ushered me out of his office. The sound of bottle hitting shotglass resonated throughout the PAC for hours afterward. Goodbye, Mano. The artificial intelligence of the holographic computer can never reproduce your heart (but it got your jumper down pat. Sweet).
Fixated on the Hip
Like our reviewersactuallyknow what they’re talking about by Garth brooks Mispnitt std
rasping the mic in his right hand, the lead singer bantered with the crowd asking, “Do you want t.0 rock? I said, do you want to rock?” Yes, the crowd wanted to rock, and they let him know so. If you missed the show last night, YOU missed out big time. The crowd was overwhelmed by the pounding bass and drums while the guitars and vocals screamed at top volume in a Fed Hall packed to the rafters with eager fans, &mantling to hear from their favourite b;lnd. The band took the stage in a subtle manner. Without any pretcntion they picked up their instruments and began to play some of the most amazing music ever heard on this campus. Even though I am a huge fan, I can certainly without any doubt objectively say that they were awesome, Period. Quite possibly, last night’s show was the best show ever on earth. The band played 15 encores, which I think is a Fed Hall record. Their actual set was only two songs long, which left a great deal of time for them to complete all of the one song encores and wrap up the show in under one hour. Only a band that has the kind of respect for their fans that this band
has could possibly put on a show this good. Feedback problems were few and far between, occurring only during the sixth, ninth and 12th encores. Credit goes to the sound guy who was probably so stoned he doesn’t remember that he still has the CD I loaned to him to play before the show. They played a wide variety of music from their CD catalogue, and didn’t forget to play their current video and radio hit to the delight of most of the fans during the thirteenth encore. I managed to meet the band after the show, and they were definitely cooi people. The guitarist, whose name I can’t remember, said that YJW rocks hard,” and that we were possibly the best show they had done on the tour. I think so too. The mosh pit was rocking out ascrowd surfers careened off of the lights which seemed to be hung at quite a low level for the show+ Only two or three people were injured, although five were electrocuted. The band actually stopped the show for a minute as the lead singer showed some concern about the crowd surfers when he “Hey you fuckers, stop hitting shouted, the lights, you might get hurt.” Be sure not to miss rhis band as they come through town on their next tour, I guarantee it will be a show you won’t rcmember,
Finally, after weeks of anticipation, Aural Fixations finally made their way to Waterloo. I was the first in line to get tickets, then I got these free ones from Imprint so I sold the ones I bought to these two kids from KU1 and made enough to buy a beer at Fed HalI. The night finally arrived and 3s I cook a shower and put on my best flannel sijirt and blue jeans I thought about rhe last rime
After the wildly’successful album Akxa-trap for hop/e with s/lie Tu.Ve, and I Low Coakit4MW Ac’temutk~, Much follows up with Small Cnrsry Tunes3, which promises to be an even bigger hit their predecessors. tiilled with all the top-forty, itwill-make-youcool music that you could every possibly imagine, it is an inspiration to anyone who has never had a mind of their own and listens to the radio too much. It even looks nice next to your halfFast eaten Eddie’s burgers, swear: socks festering under your bed and porn magazines peeking discreetly out from under the socks. There is no better way to waste your time and be inspired to greater depths of alcoholism. With such popular artists as The Smashing Gourds, The Partially-clothed Ladies, Snob Zombie, Middle-sized Wreck
and Radiopenishead, you will never run out of totally cool music to dance to at your next house party or school event. Garbage Disposal sounds better than they have in years, since their should-be-pepro-bismaltoo-pink album, and the Goo Goo Drones have a charming honestly generally lacking on shitty compilations for people who will spend their ’ money . on anything. Matthew’s Good Headband has improved a great deal smce their earlier days when they had a more original style. Luckily have they jumped in the cookie-cutter since then. This album guarantees you a good time. Probably alone+..if you hang out with people who appreciate more eclectic music. If you are prone to cookie-cutter friends, simply bring Small crzrsly Ttines with you and you will always please those around you and turn them into mad, raving alcoholics as well.
It was really, really fun.
cert and had a lot of fun. I was really fun. So I went and picked up Jesse, my friend who was going to go with me; and we went to the concert. While waiting in line I heard these two girls talking about how the lyrics to “I Hope This Song Changes Your Life” changed their life. They liked the lyrics which say, “You should shower every day, so you will smell okay.” I have to agree with the girls, the lyrics made a difference
took pictures hut the) didn’r tuk ouL bcc~rlusc
he forgot to turn the focus ring because he was so excited. But they would have been really good. Aural Fixations played 211of their best songs, even the one the girls were talking about. And as a special treat they played a Tragically Hip medley. It was so much fun that I would recommend that everyone goes to see them when they come by here agam. It was really, really fun.
Tunes for the tasteless by a Metal-lackI Mlsptint staff
to a con-
in my life too. Once I got inside the excirement was almost too much to bear. The music they were playing while Aural Fixations got ready was really, really good. They played The Tragically Hip, The Road Apples and The Wheat Kings - three of my other f’avorite bands. While waiting for the show to begin, these guys who had been drinking got: kicked out for fighting about who was a better cover band, The Wheat Kings or The Koad Apples. I’d have to agree with the guy whose nose got broken, The Wheat Kings are way better. Well the band finally came out at 10130 and they played rcatly good. ‘l’hey were “tight.” It sounded like 1 was Iistening tr) the Cl> cxccpt that the music didn’t sound ;~.r produced and it had a live feel to it. JCSW
by David Sheeby Mis,cxin t st..F If you like rock, rap, dance or K&R, you’re going to love this band. Eiailing from North America, Our Tragic ‘Tea Party featuring Puff Daddy and Ma$e have put out the CD of the year, titled Just you a?ld
At times the CD sounds fresh, but a bit tired. The guitar work is intricately simple and demands “Hey, listen to me,” but it doesn’toverwhelm the subtle vocals which at times are very powerful. This album is way better than their __.last album.._ but doesn’t . have thu same punch. Espeu~ally track two. Tracks eight and nine, “Hey Baby,” and “You’re all alone,” are the standout tracks, but that doesn’t mean the other, tracks don’t stand out too. In fact, the whoIe Cl3 is pretty strong, if you don’t: count tracks one through nine, with the obvious exception of tracks three, four and five. If you’re in the make-out or parry mood, this CD is your ticket to happiness. I pIa>
The whole CD is pretty strong, if you don’t count tracks one through nine, with the obvious exception of tracks three, four and five. hie Baby. This is probably the most anticipated sophmore debut album from a more novice experienced band. The content is varied. Track one: is kind of slow, and track two is faster. Track three starts slow, then goes fast. But then track four changes everything and goes really fast all the way through. If you like slow songs, track five is for you. Trqick six is dedicated to all those people out there (you know who you are) who love a good
it freqently while I am bathing, dancing or just chilling. ‘The driving bass really accents the keyboards. I can’t wait to set this band
This band should have stayed home instead of embarassing itself by putting out this fantastic CD. It’s probably worth your time, bur then again, maybe not. As I aiways say, “lt7s maybe worth paying for.” Word, and props to Our Tragic Tea Party featuring Puff Daddy and Masc.