Page 1






3, 1998

. Feds to add four VP positions Bellabarba heads up new Communications portfolio by Kudra


Alobar staff


he Federation of Students has added four more vice presidential positions to its already swelled executive. The fifth such restructuring in as many years, the addition of these positions is again intended to fill gaps in the provision of Fed services and provide further on-campus employment opportunities for ex-Feds and their friends. The four new Feds executive positions are VP Security, VP Communications, VP Hospital, and VP Gaming. The most demanding new posi&on will undoubtedly be VP Hospital, but Complee Tamatcur, the first pcrson appointed to the position seems optimistic about his ability to oversee the full-service hospital. “I’ve been on the Orientation Committee and Students’ Council and I have taken management science courses, so I don’t think my complete lack of health care experience will hinder my ability to administrate the hospital,” said Tamateur. A first year student at UW,


neither Tamateur’s position nor any of the others have been ratified by council, and students have not been 6onsulted. “We figured that Complee really liked hospitals and student medical issues. We originally hired him to run the hospital part-time, but when we realized he would be spending full-time hours doing the job, we made it a full time VP position,” said current VP Administration and Finance Raju Pate]. Current Feds President Mario Bellabarba will be the first to hold the position of Vice President Communications. The purpose of this position is to handle all media interaction and public statements concerning Feds activities. Inside sources also say the Feds will take editorial control of the student lifestyle monthly, ACME, instead of just funding it, and eradicate any other competing publications on campus. When asked to comment on his philosophy for the new Communications position, Bellabarba snapped, “It’s none of your damn business!” In an effort to increase revenue to pay for Feds services and all of these additional VP salaries,

the position of VP Gaming will be added. The position is currently -empty, pending government approval for a permanent casino in Federation Hall, and video lottery terminals in all classrooms. ,Members of UW administration have already expressed a desire to share in the profits with one

Stewart a “real man” by David Misprint

Koresh Staff



ederation of Students VP Education elect Robin Stewart was arrested this past Wednesday for murder in the first degree. The charges stem from an incident ihis past Saturday night at local bar The Revolution, where it is alleged that Stewart beat several bouncers to death. “The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers,” observers report Stewart screamed. “They think they can fuck with us, well I showed them what a VP Education who’s a real man can do.” Stewart denies making this comment. A Waterloo Regional Police spokesperson claimed to have been nauseated by the carnage at The Revolution. “I have never, ever seen bodies twisted and mutilated like this. There were whole bites missing from their necks, for God’s sake!” Current VPE Jeff ‘Gardner was confident that Stewart would be,cleared of all charges, or so he said after Misprint woke him up. It is Gardner’s opinion that Stewart was incapable of being involved, as his only goal is to be “the best non-smoking VP Education ever!”

Others close to the Fed office, however, were more reserved. Feds’ Executive Researcher Avvey Peters noted that she “never trusted him.. . his jaw is too perfect.” President-elect Christian Provenzano stated only that Stewart was “innocent until proven guilty,” and that ehe Feds would retain lawyers Johnnie Cochrane and Robert Shapiro to defend him. Further, a trust fund would be set up to find the real killer. Stewart’s roommate, Presicandidate Andre dential Cousineau, was cryptic in his comments, “Call me Kate,” was all he would say. Police believe Stewart went to The Revolution “looking for trouble.” While he was there with friends, he cornered several bouncers on his own, daring them to “bounce my ass.” When the ever-friendly and always accommodating bouncers became intimidated by Stewart’s “buff bod,” he became irate. Other than eyewitnesses identifying him, the main piece of evidence against Stewart is a bloody glove found at the scene. Ic is unclear what effect these charges will have on Stewart’s tenure as Vice President Education. Former VP Education Kelly

Foley tell.

fele chat it was too early


“It’s not like Robin’s the first VPE to get into a fight in a bar,” she noted. “I mean I’ve kicked major ass myself, but the pigs never caught up with me,” she added before asking that the last part of her comment not be printed. “At least he didn’t get beaten like a dusty rug, like some people,” she said as the door closed. University of Waterloo President Downey played up a positive side to the whole thing. “I certainly think Robin has demonstrated an aptitude for speaking a language Mike Harris will understand. If Robin keeps this up, he may single-handedly turn our funding and tuition situation around.” When reached for comment by Misprint, Stewart didn’t exactly deny involvement, although he stopped short of an admission. “If I was there, and they started talkin’ trash, and if those pussies pissed me off, was I elected to take shie from candy-asses like them?” When asked what affect these deaths would have, he smiled and put down. his tequila bottle before answering. “Well, the world is once again safe for Cheezer, anyway.”

Feds to open hospital

We’re having a seat sale!

by Kudra Misprint

Alobm staff

n order to provide medical care to students who can’t find it anywhere else in Waterloo, the Federation of Students have announced ehe 2000 opening of the Federation Hospital. Billed as the “biggest on-campus hospital on a primarily undergraduate campus without a medical school in North Atierica,” Fed Hospital will be financed completely through the existing Fed fee. Complee Tamateur, a second year

of. services already offered by Health Services, saying pnly, “It’s none of your damn business!” Local architect,* Preten Schuss has been awarded the contract to design the new hospital. “Where Fed Hall was modeled after a Mennonite barn to reflect regional heritage, the hospital will be ‘styled on a bratwurst, to reflect the K-W German population, ” said Schuss. “It came to me in a dream. The night before my design proposal was due I had a dream that I was at Octoberfest and I was wearing

tile when asked if a tubular layout was the best design for this hospitaf, saying, “I t’s conceptual, so I have no doubt that many people will have a hard time understanding it.” In order to include all of the facilities of a normal hospital in a structure which is tubular in design, the hospital will need to be over three kilometers in length. The current plan is to have the hospital follow ring road three or four times around, resembling a big sausage ring. “It’s whimsical, like the Davis





* PC, Reform, BQ, and NDP metiers need not apply.

Gardner has been appointed to the position of VP Security for the upcoming year. Gardner will be responsible for overseeing all bouncers and door staff at on campus events, and is currently designing a training program for all bouncers using his “special flair for conflict resolution.”

VP Education a killah

Government of Canada

Iii! I’m Jean Chretien, Prime Minister of Canada, and I have a load of Senate seats that must go, go, go! Each plush seat comes with a lifetime guarantee and a full pension! It’s the deal of a lifetime, and it can be yours with a one-time contribution of $25,W to the Liberal Party!

a,nonymous official stating, “We’ve squeezed every penny we can out of parking, and we can’t raise tuition any more than the province lets us, so I think we may start an off-track betting outlet in South Campus Hall if the Feds thing flies.” Current VP Education Jeff




the hospi-

tal. The Federation Hospital will be designed around student health needs with extra facilities for Student Issues-related illPresident Mario nesses. Bellabarba would not comment on the possibility that this hospital will be a wasteful duplication




down, so drunk people kept slapping my ass. “Then I was eating these big sausages with lots of sauerkraut and mustard. I woke up and I knew that I had to design a tubular hospital.” The architect became hos-






difficult to get around in and will be quite unsightly, so it should fit in nicely with the other buildings on campus.” To cut costs, the Feds will hire physicians from universities without accredited medical I schools.



Friday, April 3, 1998


Chqrney appointed President Ten days that shook the University by S, Elle Aut Misprint staff


n an unprecedented move, the Presidential Nominating Committee appointed Student Unity. 1 Power! Action! (SUPA) leader Davin Charney as UW’s fifth president. Eschewing the degree requirements and base competency levels prescribed by policy, the Nominating Committee announced their decision in a press conference early this morning. The announcement followed SUPA’s intense ten day campaign to nominatecharney for thePresidency. Catherine Coleman, member of the Board of Governorsand the

nounced that the Board of Governors would be’dissolved and replaced by the SUPk junta. The university’s upper administrators have all been dismissed in favour of a communal equality-consensus-collective based system which will not be burdened by elected officials. The student reaction to Charney’s new system can only be described as perplexed. “But there were more students on the Board of Governors than there are on SUPA,” said Joe B. Low, 3B Systems Design Engineering. Other reactions from around the tiorld have been decidedly more laudatory. In the General Services Complex, a member of

CUPE local 236 was channeling the spirit of Jack Reed, America’s favourite communist. Reed’s interpreter declared, “If only Charney had been head of the Commintern, the people’s rule would not have been vanquished!” Closer to home, Dawn Trodden, chair of the coalition of Women Who Single Handedly Raise Three Children on $18,000 a Year (WWSHRTCXY) lent her support, “Even though our children don’t have winter coats or fruits and vegetables, I thankgod for Davin Charney. Now they’ll get free tuition!” While free tuition has remained a goal, Charney acknowledged this morning that other

short term objectives would take priority in the early hours of the SUPA administration. After plastering the campus with posters, Charney consulted the manual of left-leaning take-avers: According to the manual, he explained SUPA would next launch a bloody suppression of subversive thou,ght. “After that we’ll march on Toronto and fight the multinational-controlled legislature!” Charney exclaimed. After reporters quizzed him on the tactics he will use against the notoriously tough Harris government, Charney declared that if he doesn’t get what he wants,“chen I’ll just take my twister game and go home!”

you can’t tell anyo....Ahhh!!!!!!!!!

personification of my internal despair. How ‘bout you?” a) “I’m running away to a poetry reading with my date, the spoon. The subject is ‘How the cow jumped over the moon’.”

Why would I crack my head open? c) From the Inside, always from the Inside.

how, on which day of the w& wuuld you pidish yoiw does? z) La, la, la, Zip-a-dee-doo-da Day! Ya! x) Idiot, .of course the only rational answer would be Monday! Because, that’s when the milk turns sour. y) Trick question! The owls are not what they seem.

2. If train A is speeding


Nominating Committee, cxplained that the committee was inexplicably wooed by the haunting sound of Charney’s bongo drums. Coliman explained, “Despite having served students as Federation ofstudents’ President and everything I learned about activism in my Environmental Resources Studies degree, it was Davin that opened my eyes and made me realize that I had become acorporate slave.” Coleman further elaborated chat corporate slavism meant that she had “gotten a full-time job and was a productive member of Canadian society.” Charney, also present at this morning’s press conference, an-

Misprint Quiz: Smell the Flowers by Chaos, the Robot and the doped-up, psychotic dolphin Misprint staff 1. How do you truck yuurqg? a) pancakes, give me pancakes, only work with pancakes.



B at 500 mih perhour, wus ascending cliffB

It’s Goffee time! cried prufessor Fiptib. A murder, a bo Zt of lighten ing. Solve! a) Colonel Mustard with Mrs. White, in the bedroom, with the handcuffs. b) Was there a grassy knoll involved in this? Hmmm,.. c) Shh, it was the killer bees! No, not the insect. The CULT! But

towma cl@ andtain G

al 5



Fedssuedafter 700eo deaf Llass action suit claims Bomber sdund by Raoul-/Duke Misprint staff


ore than 700 students at the University of Waterloo are part of a class action suit aimed at the Federation of Students for what the complainants call “a reckless and negligent disregard for human hearing.” Victims say that hundreds of hours spent in the Bombshelter Pub listening to its shitty sound system is to blame for their hearing loss. AAt issue is whether the Federation of Students should have used some of the profits from the* profitable Student Life Center bar to upgrade the sound system. Lawyers for the plaintiffs claim that this failure to reinvest in the Bomber constitutes willing negligence, motivated by continuing budget problems. ‘*The Feds knew it was a time bomb just waiting to explode,” said Eva Sive, lead council for the deaf students. “They knew that prolonged exposure to popular music played through scratchy,

done.” “It’s

just such a great place to

yelled one of the complainants, Bob Smith, his hearing so impaired he has no idea of the volume of his own voice. When asked to comment on the lawsuit, Feds President Mario Bellabarba snapped, “It’s none of your damn business!” However, sources inside the Feds say that executive members knew the damage that the Bomber sound system could do because of all the time they spend in there, but did nothing about it. “All they wanted was to lisHill” and ten to “Salisbury “Brown Eyed Girl” over and over again without going-deaf, and they thought they would be safe to do it at the Bomber,” said Sive. The whole affair has been dubbed “The Tainted Music Scandal” and shows no signs of quieting down.


co:* ;;.+. .<. F;;; .-.. .!

4. Just who do you huve to s/tefl with to get on Jeopardy? d) Colonel Mustard with Mrs. White, in the bedroom, only this time with the candlestick. e) Bill Clinton. f) “Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner, then everyone would be in love with me.” 5. “So whut are you duingfoni&lu?9~ “I don ‘t know, whzf do you w&if do

Mostly Silly




reds: are for kids!


Always sleep with one eye open when dating a cyclops. It makes them feel better.


k) “Seeing as the moon is orange tonight, my leprechaun and I are sacrificing a baby cow to the moon goddess, Qwert. Wanna come?” r) “Ahh, maybe I’ll see you there. I’m going cow tipping with the

Hits of the 70% 8os, 90s Do you like apples7 If Jay Leno and Rhea Perlman had a baby, it’d be a two foot chin with curls. Think about it. Now, how do you like &em apples? l




Friday, April 3, 1998

Welcome, alien overlords Affirming our allegiance to the new regime by Gather Halder special to Imprint T

magine, you’ve just arrived at a new planet. You come spreading a message of peace and joy throughout the galaxy, and you wish only to share with the inhabitants of this ncwly-discovered orb. But do the people of this backwater little planet .welcome you and your superior wisdom with open arms? Do they treat you with the respect and reverence that is your due? vo. The ugly bags of mostly water respond to your friendly overtures with fear and violence. They are criminally unenlightened; they think that you are a hoax, and those who know the truth wish. only to hide it for fear that they will not be believed. It is a sad fact that four out of every five non-humans (“alien”


is an ignorant, politically incofrect, prejudicial term) will be subjected to violence and fear as a result of their innocent attempts to become acquainted with the species komo sapiens. So what if a few of your exploratory procedures ended with the somewhatregrettable termination of an earthling life or two? After all, nobody’s perfect. In this enlightened age, we should all be especially careful of ourassumptions; just becausevisitors aren’t human, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t people with thoughts and emotions just like ours. Except for the Vogons, of course. They’re just ornery bastards.

The Vogon mother ship crashes our atmosphere. It’s true we make a lot of these up, but this is actually

Eat oranges often Exploring the big bad world of gross sores on your body by Eric Rraiden special to Misprint ith the growing popularity of dedicating weeks or even an entire month to disease and destitution, the Scurvy SocietyofCanada jumps on the bandwagon, declaring the week of April 6 to the 13, excluding the 8, as Scurvy Awareness Week. Scurvy is a tragic disease that can affect dozens of people worldwide each decade. Although a simple cure and prevention have been found, scurvy still remains as mysterious and misunderstood as the sun. Scurvy first reared its vile head during the age of discovery, when seamen on ships sailed the seven seas searching for the New World. This dread monger was an equal opportunity for disease, striking down pirate and naval officer alike. Symptoms of scuny can include the loss of hair and teeth, gingivitis, internal hemorrhaging,


perifollicular petcchiae over the thighs and buttocks, and death. John Woodall (15%1643), bestselling author of A Treutie of Gungrenn: Ch+efl~~for the Amplstutiun or Dismembering of any Member of themor~+dpart,was the first to discover the cause and cure of sclirvy at the same time “Lemmons, Limes, Tamarinds, Oranges and other choyce of good helps.” In English, it simply states that a lack of Vitamin C causes scurvy, and ingesting Vitamin C cures scurvy. Common misconseptions about scurvy: you can’t get scurvy from sitting on a toilet seat, not all grandparents suffer from scurvy, getting the salty seadog sickness isn’t cool, nor is it a good way ofgetting time off of school, and scurvy and cooties are not the same affliction. The Scurvy Society of Canada’s Scurvy Awareness Week is sure to be fun and educational at the same time. On Monday, April 6, everyone is asked to observe a

moment of ,silence and ponder the thousands of fearless buccaneers who gave their lives for the betterment of themselves. On Tuesday, an orange eating contest is featured in our nation’s capital (Ottawa). Thursday features a Q &A period with Robert Urich, star of the science fiction epic,lceP+Qres. On Friday, everyone other the age of majority is welcomed to celebrate the hopeful demise of scurvy, buccaneer style, with a pint in hand and bellowing popular sea chantees such as “What do you do with a drunken sailor ?” Saturday and Sunday activities are-to be announce&Long John Silver’s Restaurant has graciously supported Scurvy Awareness Week, With the purchase of any “Enchantment Under the Sea” meal, you will+get a complimentary glass of orange juice, all week long (except April 8).

Misprint Never letting facts get in the way of a good story. I_

a real photo

bjl Ali Smith

Pro wrestling the most popular sport in Boston by Dewey Misprint


Oxburger St&

he largest box office take in the history of the city of Boston can’t be attributed to basketball, basebatl, or hockey. Wrestlemania XIV generated well over one million dollars in seat sales, setting a new record for Boston. You’d think that if the World Wrestling Federation made that kind of money, fans in attendance would receive decent service, and they probably did. Unfortunately, thesamecan’t always be said of K-W establishments offering WM XIV. The prime example of incompetent customer service must have been the Howl at the Moon Saloon. The card began with a fifteen team “Over-The-Top Battle Royal.” As they started introducing the teams vying for a title shot, our table ordered a couple pitchers and some wings. Apparently our order was complicated, however, ordering extra hot sauce for the wings. The beer arrived quickly (only halfway through the match). As the referee raised the Legion of Doom’s arms in victory, our wings arrived. . . no hot sauce. As-we watched Lightweight Champion Taka Michinoku defend his belt against: Aguila, we waited for the waitress to return so we could ask about our hot sauce. Also, more pebple wanted to order more food. While watching a high-flying fifteen-minute

match where Taka emerged victorious, we suffered without service. The next match saw European Champion Hunter Hearst Helmsley successfully defend his belt against Owen Hart. Still we languished. Midway through the Intercontinental title match between KenShamrock and Rocky Maivia, the waitress reappeaied. As our wings were long-since gone, we told hernot toworryabout the hot sauce. Our friends got to order more food. All was well, or so it seemed. Ken Shamrock made the The Rock submit with the ankle lock, but after he refused to release it and asuplexed several WWF officials, the referee reversed his decision and let the Rock keep his belt. After watching Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie defeat the New Age Outlaws for the Tag Team title, and the Undertaker defeat his long-lost brother Kane, we were ready for our food, ordered more than an hour previously, to arrive. Arrive it did, *midway through the final match, As Stone Cold Steve Austin defeated Champion Shawn Michaels to win the World Heavyweight title, our waitress came by the table five times in ten minutes, looking to clear up the matter of the bill. We reflected on the fact that we’d seen more in ten minutes than we had in the past three hours. Needless to say, we didn’t tip well.



Friday, April 3, 1998



Incontinent irrelevance T

The new downsized

Dana Porter

Library. Mispdnt

file photo

Budget cuts affecting all

he most revealing indicator of the general stupidity of people is their refusal to accept that someone is smarter than them. I have written column after column, and by now I think it should be evident to everyone, even the primates at this so. called “institution of higher learning,” that I am a few hundred IQ points above all of you. It is pure logic. IQ scores are derived from a test which probes free thinking and the abiiity to problem-solve. Since I am clearly the only truly free thinker around here, all my solutions and ideas must therefore be superior. Anyone who disagrees with me must therefore have a lower IQ, and must be wrong. Anyone who agrees with me is still inferior. Al though they have had the good sense to recognize real genius when they see it, they are still just followers who were incapable of thinking it up themselves first.

Despite the obvious clarity of this logic, people still choose to challenge it. They havg: the gall to write letters which crit,icize me. The arguments they present against me are so lame, they

of higher learning. Although I 1 could not possibly impart the full extent of my intellect to any other human being, it is my hope thatmyinfluencewillruboffon a select few, thereby generally .

It is only natural ~~~~~~~~~~~;~ for lesser individuals to be *’ jealous of their betters. scarcely rate the time it takes for me to respond. And professors here dare to give me poor grades. I suppose I should expect it. It is only natural for lesser individuals to be jealous of their betters. Einstein suffered the same academic oppression. Since the narrow minds of today’s universities only serve to stifle creativity and original thought, I have decided to take my leave and open my own place

jective. Therefore music is logic. So by teaching the-highest form of the art, one is teaching the highest form of logic. I have rationally deduced progressive metal to be the pinnacle of music, so by teaching the theories of progressive metal, I will bring enlightenment to you, the great unwashed masses. It is just a matter of time before human civilization collapses under the weight of its own stupidity. At that time I and my progressive metal prodigy will start to rebuild a new and better human race. If you don’t believe it, well, you’re just stupid too. I

e mest soundtrack ever recoi+ded!. tFqfrank



UW Administration employs hideous monster to save on wrecking costs by WalJy Misprint


Babcock stafT

n an unprecedent, and shock ing move, outgoing University of Waterloo president James Downey announced that the Dana Porter Library would have the top six floors removed in the ongoing struggle to restructure and streamline the education system. Immediately after Downey’s announcement, the President motioned to eight hundred foot tall monster, Jonzilla, whoquickly disintegrated the top levels of the building with his eye rays. “We found that most of the students were just too damn lazy to go all the way up to the upper floors,” said Plant Ops official Vert Mann in a candid Misprint interview. “And besides, we are facing almost insurmountable heat and electricity bills; The axe has got to fall somewhere.” Many of the longtime library staff were stunned by the announcement. According to un-

founded reports, several barricaded themselves in the tenth floor to prevent the wrecking ball from swinging. Said Jonzilla after disintegrating three men and one woman as well as six floors of library, “Unghhhhhh, Jonzilla smash. Jonzilla kiiiiillll!” Also part of the controversial restructuring is a planned elimination of the fifth floor of the Math and Computers building{ for sanitary reasons). “It’s going to be painful,” consoles Downey, “but together we feel we can make this work. Sacrifices will have to be made on all sides, but we’ll get through it. All it takes is a positive, happy attitude.” Estimated cost for the demolition is $1.2 million, which the Federation of Students have offered to donate as a “good will” gesture. “It’s none of your damn business” said outgoing Feds president Mario Bellabarba, despite not being asked for comment.

&wth (@T&S Wde

Scott witand


sono & Wick Smith Bcwfka Streisand

‘Lbasketballs’ a feast for the senses

by Alistair Misprint


St. Fitzpatrick ballet critic

his the in by

past weekend, I had opportunity .to take an avant guard production a fledgling group of performers called appropriately enough, “The Warriors of Waterloo, “ in their wonderful production entitled, “basketball.” From what I could gather, this production was the combined presentation of two very skilled ensembles: the Warriors and the Marauders. It appears that the Warriors of Waterloo were attempting a “Shoot-out” which 1 suppose meant that the produc-

tion was a battle of talent, trying to see who were the better interpreters of this masculine art that the rowdy gents beside me were calling “shooting hoops”. The overall depiction was impeccable, enacted with confidence by the entire troupe and furiously enjoyed by the audience. The stage was a theatre in the round type, and the sets were vibrant and almost dadaist in nature. The costumes and lighting were realistic and enchanting; yet I found that the Mauraders’ use of maroon undermined the brute strength and power of the piece. The choreographer Tom Kieswetter, also playing the role

Such grace! Such poise! Bravo! Imprint

file photo

of the “coach,” deftly combined the rawness of men fighting a battle of skill, and the grace of those men using every dance step they knew to show themselves the victor. Truly his choreography was superb. However, none of this could have been pulled off without the interpretive movements of the hero of the dance for the Warriors, Mano Watsa. Watsa strode confidently down the stage, exuding a machismo never seen by this concert-goer. He could easily challenge Michael Flattely for the title of “Lord of the Dance.” At one crucial moment, as the action of the first act came to a tremendovs climax, he approached a burly man who was intent on his not making the goal. They danced with slow, yet crisp, movements, until Watsa, a smile on his face and a song in his heart, with hitherto unseen precision, swirled around the player, and spiritedly moved toward the net. Jette, Pliet, DUNK!!! Th e speed and grace of this step sent shivers do;n my spine. What struck me as odd in this performance was that the female r&es were entirely of a supportin&nature. This troubled my mind since many large-scale dance performances are based upon a very basic love story, with the rest of performance wrapped around. In this piece, there was no traditional love story, but instead, a story of fierce competition and the love for victory. As a final note, I must: give kudos to Mike Zavershnik, mincing and prancing in his sublime, yet understated, role of the “centre,” His forceful mincing and prancing of the oft-misunderstood member of the ensemble was moving, and his buttocks were sublime indeed. Unfortunately, I have just found Out that the run of this colossal ballet has ended, withthe tro;pe touring their show and performing their final step in packed theatres in Halifax. Yet they have promised to return their fabulous interpretive ballet next season. Anyone who is anyone will be there,

A s Imprint’s foremost expert Aon salary caps, it has fallen upon me to comment on the newly instituted cap on professor salaries. Created as a joint effort between the Federal government and the nine provinces, alI Canadian universities will now have a salarycapof$37million intowhich they must fit the salaries of their educators. While some hail this as a success, anyone familiar with the current confusion surrounding salary caps in professional sports must reaiize that this is merely window dressing, and that dirtier business will soon follow. See, salary caps are a good idea in theory, but in execution are never effective. For evidence of this, let’s examine some case histories, shaI1 we?

year, plus a bonus of $150,000 for every student he amuses. Obviously, these “incentives” are far too easily reached, yet they do not fall under the terms of acceptable salary, thus meaning that he could earn well have earned in excess of $1 million a year, yet would only have counted for $10,000 against the cap. The simple fact is, salary caps don’t, can’t and won’t work because as soon as they are in place, everyone looks to find, a way around the situation. Only a hard cap will work, one thae takes the total income, divides by the term of the contract and produces the average annual salary that counts against the cap. In fact, the most dangerous side effect is that Waterloo could tie up most of i ts cap room signing

Downey emphasizes that this cap on professor salaries will help increase fan interest. -Larry Smith, an exceedingly popular economics professor, recently signed with UW for a reported $547,000 over six years, but the contract structure caIls for a signing bonus of $20,000, a deferred bonus of $137,000 and an incentive package that guarantees him another $200,000 if he teaches in at least fifty per cent of his classes over those six years. All told, that will account for only $50 per year against the so-called salary cap, -Stan Fogel, recently signed with University of Havana, turned down a shady deal that could have made him the highest-paid professor in Canadian university history. The package called for a base salary of only $10,000 per

star professors like Smith and Fogel, and filling out the rest of the teaching roster with low-rent has-beens and unproven youth. Such a move could eventually go so far as to cost the school its precious Maclean’s ranking, and remove any possibility we have of winning the Vanier Cup. While university president Downey continues to emphasize that this cap was designed to place limits onthe grossly inflating staff countsand salaries at most schools, it will also help to increase fan interest. Will this salary cap curb rampant spending? Only time will tell, but I tell you this, if this school had a bell tower, you’d want to avoid it. Trust me. Or die.

Athletesof the Week

“Sassy” Athena

Cindy Schlecl-it Dwarf-Tossing

This 22 year-old blond beauty hails from Newmarket, so she has seen her amount of action. This aspiring Wal-Mart model, while tossing a dwarf for a record 10 meters, says she enjoys long walks on the beach and sensual dancing to Pantera.

“Disco” Darryl Frampton Warrior Falconing This week, this elusive award goes to “Disco” Darryl. In his own words, he set a personal best of “scoring” a total of 18 times this weekend. His passions include hairstyling products and shopping for hair styling products.


Friday, April 3, 1998



What happenswhen you senda four year old to cover the CIAUbasketballfinals? Somethingreally,reallystrange.




am riting to complane about not bein offred a positon with Imprint pubu pubk. newspaper. I don’t see nothin’ wrong with my englich words and I think that it was mene to not let me work with you‘ guys. I think this were supposed to be a “stuedent ran paper”, well, me, I’m a student and you ain’t lettin me be part of your special group. All I want is to be a prufreeder and you won’t even let me do that. Ithinkit’sacomsperacyand I want all Waterloo studants to join me in protesting this not letting me in. I am a UW Math/ Computer studet and even though I didn’t pay the money for Imprint on my tution, I don’t like the way you guys run this stuendt . paper. I wantd to be the editor, but you won’t let me do that either. Well, to bad for you: I’m not goin

to beg you to let me be a part of your stuff and I just wanted the campus to know about your hiring rules. You guys suck! See you never! - f3e4gr 43+sg~~ Mad Not-Proofreader

Needin’ Something

I am writing to complain about sheer abundance of student apathy on this campus. I know this school is made up mostly of engineers and computer science students, but really, Editior’s note: We have not made any changes to this letter to show this is ridiculous. why this person did not receive a As is my custom, I wore my position as proofreader. skankiest tanktop to the Bomber on Wednesday night. I showed a Needin’ Steden good two inches of cleavage, wore blue metallic eye shadow and was drunk from nine o’clock on. And yet, Istill went home alone. Worse Week after week I madly flip yet - I didn’t even get a perfuncthrough the pages off mprint, my tory glance, a longing gaze. What’s heart aflutter, searching for one going on here? What does it take name. It is a name synonomous to get laid on this campus? Can’t with delightful, thoughtful and you CS geeks handle anything witty prose. Where for art thou, but a mouse? Klaus Steden? What a delightful I’m in AHS, and I wear my young man. The world needs e hospital greens all over campus more men like Mr. Steden. just to fit in and be different, like everyone else, I even joined -- Debtie Sandsmith AHSUM, for godsakk. Come -on, 1B Applied Studies guys, you don’t known how easy

those hospital scrubs come off just pull the string, then I’d teach you some real anatomy. I’m in third year, and if I don’t find a man soon, I’ll have wasted a full three years of my life. If I haven’t found someone by the end of this year, I won’t even bother coming back next year. Why waste my time going to those hard ret classes if it’s not going to help me get laid? I’ll go to Guelph instead-at least there, I know I’ll get picked up by someone, even if it is a woman. I really need a man to help support me after university. I spent all my OSAP money on my boob job. But even though I’ve lost all feeling in my breasts, I’ll play with them for you anytime

you want. It’s been two weeks since my last boyfriend. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stand being alone. I am nothing without a man, He doesn’t even have to like me, as long as he takes me home and has sex with me after he gets drunk with his buddies and watches porno movies all night long. I’m getting desparate here guys. I even wrote my number on the men’s bathroom wall at Phil’s, but no one’s called yet. If things don’t change soon, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Just please, please, please don’t leave me alone.

Misprint Forum

Like we givea fuck!,n33_Misprint,n33_Misprint.pdf