Issuu on Google+

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Campus

I

Descentzr

-‘Today,

yw

turkey!

-

- Monday,

Come to the Sci Sot office to sign up for a ’ game of-Frisbee Checkers from. 10 to 2 p.m. Prjzes will be,awarded to anyone who can come up with rules to the game.

‘December

15 -

s -Wednesda;r,D&m~r17~i

WPORK (Waterloo People Organized to Research Knotiledge)presents a slide-tape show, “Placid Brain: The Sentient Crisis” in CC 135 at?:.:4rn&n.

Glorious Liberators of Waterloo n Br?wn BagsVoptional* - A Without .Obvious Rhetorical MaunThe Accent of Man by Jacob Exclaim‘derings (GLOWWORM) holds a comationpoint at Noon at the Kitchener .&nation dance and revolution at 7 p&m. in Public Library. -Bring your own oranthe Humanities Building,3rdfloorlounge. gutan. %, x _ Cash abar, ammunition supplied. Bring ’ / The‘ Federation of ‘Students will be your own propaganda. holding an Occasional Rare Special WPIG Brown Bag Seminar. Topic: how General MeetingAssembly in AL 116 brown bag,s can be used to contain to determine if students really are sheep. ‘nuclear waste. CC li3, noon to 3 p.m., If the speaker is late, it’s because he is prewastesupplied. ~ . _. occupied. ’ I En ineers ‘for Practical: Solutions (EPS) The Indian Students Association prep t sents a seminar on how nuclear waste sents (Something Unpronounceable) can. be dumped - oil brown bag starring (probably obscene) and’(Anaseminars and launched into the Sun. ,tomically Impossible) with (Probably Hardhats and Plummer shirts required. Illegal). AL 113’. Free admission to the ,I CC11;3. Wait outside and be ready. ’ ( turbaned. . The ’ Red Headed *League ’ will be meeting in CC 110 at 3:30 p.m. Members are asked to bring their gcopies bf ’ Encyclopedia Brittanica.

%The CC ,Bombshelter is open Bs usual. Featured: too loud music, long line-upsat “Rip Off” and Engineers busting glasses all over the place.

I4 .

The Federation of Students BEER comli mittee (Board. of Elementary Education& Redundancies) presents Samuel $V Skeptic, qualified ’ hunter of ghost. hunters,\with his over 3,000 slide muI@ media presentation on tmhehighlights of. over 500 cases of bagging people wli~< make a living sponging offother people%: superstitions. ‘I , ’4 The Maranatha Christian Group is . sponsoring a pub (unlicensed) starring two or-three has been singers of the sixties who have “gone- over” (i.e. seen the light): .:‘Lonely, bored,- about to die? $1 C’mon in! -. WPORK Brown Bag’ Seminar. Joe Jackson, * .,C.PORK;Windsor will talk about the growing problem of toxic waste disposal and one particularly well-organ: ized citizen’s band’s effort to safeguard their community while wearing’ brown bags over their heads. 12:30~p.m. EL2U5. CC Bombshelter is open as usual. Shellshocked? Come inandjet bombed.

, .

I.

.

M

:

,( sturd& .

&ember’13 ,,

i

The ’ campus XAOS- / (killing . as an orgamzed sport) group will be turning in theirdart guns and St!ar-Trek tracer guns at noon and will be ‘issued Lugers. Politeness is urged. Waterloo Christian Futility’s Drip-in Centre open from 5 p;m. to midnight, A place to meet down-and-outs like yourself who also weren’t invited to the party. In some corner of the Campus Centre.

- Tuesday

9

kcember

16 I

Library Research shortcuts for students in Accounting at 2:30 p.m.!ncludes a short lesson’in how not to get caught. Free pamphlet, “How to Rip Off Ledger ‘Books” included. InformationDeskin the Darts Library. Noon to 2 p.m. ’ ,Muzak Appreciation series features, Manilow. Kitchener Public Library, noon. Bring your own sleeping bag. \’

CCBombshelterisopenfrom8p.m. to 1 , a.m. as always. Build your ownsandwich ~ The Junior Farmhands are holding and throw it at someone youdon’twant tq their first regular meeting in CC 113 at 2 ~,meet; , . prm. Come out and see what life will be like after you get your degree.

- Thursday

December

18 \-’

I Fat Obnoxious old”D,onut-place biddies who hate young Punks annual meeting. Call Helgc,’ Greta, .or Olga behind a filthy counter near you. Special sneering 1 lessions will also be held. ]_The great snowman destroying contest will take place today. in the courtyard between the CC and the PAC. The teams must register before 900 a.m. to be eligible. The snowmen will .be destroyed without using mechanical aids. There are thousands of kopeks in prizes donated by the committee to support the destruction of all things faintly white with button noses.

Paul Pullit from OXCART will be . speaking on recent developments in Wawa in E. Manuel United Church, P.T. Worship, Worship and Worship at --Friday, December 19-. Bridgeport Road, Waterloo. 7:30 p.m. various times at the Church Colleges. We won’t bother listing ,every darned indivCanadian Unvironment week: synCults on Campus. Prof Son ,Dong idual service - you’re welcome to all of thetic food luncheon available from Money speeks on how to profit from them and it costs money to type this crud, 11:30-2:30. Join us for mouthwatering; religion, introducing his very own do it eh? yourself kit. Admission price $5OO,OoO. . unhealthy delicacies. CC Great Halt., Chaplain Kemkes Rooistra- presents a Uppers club-@ing yotir ’ ide.as (or non-credit seminar, Religion across Concord Gerbil College chapel ser\ chemicals) for trips. Laurel Creek. Location: ‘across ‘Laurel 1 vices, followed by Hamster dinner and _ ‘Creek. Angora Tea House-all sheep welcome: treadmill run.

-$.&ciay,

Qxembe;

i4 -.

I’


Odd bits of old photographs that haven’t been half-toned, were just kicking around the office, and which have little if anything to do with what’s actually in the paper. See p. 5.

Boring and yet somehow totally meaningless social commentary pictograhically portrayed on page 8. An exceptionally silly, purportedly intellectual IQ test for those who are. See pp. 10-12. Or not.

News

Friday,

Twisted editor eats small dog to boost sales

_

Misprint Editor Marbles Sandottir today announced to the public at large that she had been “brutally molested, beaten and forced to chew a live pekinese dog.” She further stated that she had been to several Engineering pubs. Twenty-five minutes later, the jig was up. “It was all to increase our sales,” she explained later, blushing furiously under her nun’s habit. “Our advertisers told me that our circulation had fallen to the low twenties, and all twenty-two of those people thought we were a bunch of ‘blahs’. Well, we decided to put a really gross headline on the front page and boost sales through the roof!“ When asked if the ploy had worked, the retiring editor replied, “I _ don’t know. Is anyone reading this?” In further explaining the reasons for her bizarre and substantially untrue statements to the press, Sandottir said, “When people talk about us, they say we’re apolitical and about as controversial as tapioca. I want to make a statement. Fuck it.” In closing, Sandottir said, “At least the sheep are happy.”

Observatory eschews truth 2 The University of Waterloo’s Observatory today announced that it. was NASA

Crew

Director

Richard

Sowa

moving and gave no forwarding address. When asked about the reason for the move, the observatory was reluctant to speak, and appointed a spokesbrick. The brick, named Larry,. was shy. and difficult to interview. After badgering by reporters, the brick revealed that the observatory had learned that the galaxy was ending. “The whole thing has gone nova. There’s a chain reaction started in there that will kill us all with ionizing radiation, heat and higher taxes. What are we to do?” The question was obviously rhetorical, and Larry answered it himself: “We’re leaving. We’ve arranged to hitch-hike to the Greater Magellanic Cloud, where. we will transfer to a spaceship to Andromeda. One of the on-lookers reminded Larry that he was a brick and could not be, harmed. Larry had no comment.

La B411e Province in turmoil Prior to next year’s elections in the province of Quebec, it is rumored that Premier Rene Levesque will officially chose a flag for the new state of ‘Quebec. Many emblems have been proposed. One such contender is a

reported

today

that

Stu Ramsey

and Betsy

From the *file on Misprint criminals, Marbles Sandot tir: Y++1969-involv<d in a plot to rub Hollandaise sauce on de Gaulle; I97O-arrested in connection with Dusseldorf strangler. Released when all major witnesses became Franciscan monks; I972-implicated in incident involving force-feeding of pork to rabbinical student; 1975 May-did not wait one hour after

9lathroom

green crimpoline ligure of a flying frog defecating on nine defenseless, putrid pink beavers. It has also been rumored that all men over five foot two will be forced by law to wear elevator shoes with “down” buttons on them. The latest fad, “I am passing middle’ age and going bald so I must let one side of my hair grow long so I can throw it over the top” haircuts have become a permanent, governmentsubsidised, style. As well, it hjas been suggested that the word NON be stricken from the French language, as it is almost certain to cause problems again in the future. Additionally, it may be made law that Quebecker must every buy (consumption is optional), three tins daily, of Quebec’s only national product “Pea Soup”; ant that Coca-Cola be banned in Quebec, in favor of its nearest competitor (Pepsi).

Academic experiments fizzle . Illegal recombinant-humour experiments have

McLeod;

Conzor

the Omnipotent

and Helen.

run amok, reports dean of Science Umlaut von Danizen. “The danger is minimal,” he said, breaking into a Milton Berle routine. “My town was so small that cne powerplant was a Sears die-hard. In fact, even the rooms were small - the mice were hunchbacked. Excuse me,” he added. “As I said, the effects really are negligible. All that occurs is a tendency towards concise humourous statements and a or ‘one-liners’ manic attitude. “Oh yes,” he added, “the victim also turns into a guppy after twelve hours.” This news is expected to have violent repercussions in the university community. University vice-president of Finance Bruce Golightly told the press today that he expected “some services to be severely impaired. Especially since she’s so skinny when she turns sideways and sticks out her tongue she looks like a zipper...oops, no offense...” When Dr. Golightly had recovered from the slap in the face with a wet fish, he continued, suggesting that the best thing people could do is go about their business and forget the fact that >when she drinks red wine Chiasson

will

December

12,

1942.

Misprint

2

eating before swimming; 1975 August--found - ice-skating in Himilayan Mountains wearing a rabbit suit; I977-refused to chant “Favourite Hymns of Mahatma Ghandi” during a g-mile marathon; 1978 Junesold Nehru jackets and love beads to freshmen on university campuses in Southern US; 2980 December-mailed reindeer droppings to four political parties. she must look like a damned thermometer! Ha, ha!” Meanwhile, from the Engineering faculty a delegation was performing Steve Martin routines and...

was found clutching a yellowed paper entitled “Mutant Wolverines in the Wastelands of Siberia” and was mumbling repeatedly what was later discovered to be the room of a former professor who had long ago resigned.

Student, lost .for six years, misses supper Last week, janitors on night shift at Hagey Hall discovered an arts student who had been reported as missing for six years. Bobbitt Troll, one of the cleaning crew, had been mopping the floor when he turned the corner to swab a dimlylit area. Suddenly he noticed a huddled form shivering in the shadows. Troll then notified police. The figure was found to be Jim Smith, an Arts student who had first been reported missing by his roommate Bess Cracker six years ago. “He left early one morning to hand in an anthropology essay but never returned”, she maintains. “I knew something fishy was up when he did not return home for his favorite meal of bicycle seat flambe and french fries.” This report was confirm-

be sent into deep space abord the space shuttle

Jay Parry,

where

they

will

Missing link found, chain even weaker -Not only nave we discovered the missing link,” claimed Dr. Otto von Nimrod, at a news conference early next Tuesday,“But we feel that we have developed a new evolutionary order that will explain why man is entenoligally speaking, what he is”. “Life began as village food”, states Dr. Margaret Parrot. “From there if developed in simple formsfaculty, advisors and staff.” Next came a simple biped we call Engineerus Homogenous? Although close to Homo Sapiens, the Engineerus genus had absolutly no intelligence. Surviving Engineerusfailed all the laboratory tests put before them and only responded when handed large cans of orange paint i<n October. perform

unatural

acts under weightless


1.

.

Friday,

December

12,4

867. ,

Misprint

3-,

“The planet earth was visited -by rock and roll’ musicians from another galaxy.” At least, that is the conteotioq of Professor Umlaut von Denizen, guest speaker at next week’s Haggard Hall lecture. Von . Denizen’s best-selling book, Chariots of the Doowahs forms the basis of his talk.

-.

.- .-.-

“How could they gain thereby p&senting undeniable proof that lpng ago Jimi:Hendrix, in this hologram, points out sixteen “The evidence is unmisknowledge of the chaintakeable. Ro%k tind roll was flying saucers, a whale, and a Fender guitar, earth, was visited by rock and roll musicians. driven saxophone unless it created by aliens from was brought to them? The rock and roll to the earth? ever. Well., naturally I was keep me rolling in dental came to make me money.” another planet.” Von Den<surprised, but decided td floss, so they created -- rock saxophone was onl,y made Wa? it, as some of van’ When pressed to explain, izen pointed to the preand roll? by the aborigines of South Deniien’s detractors have - .von Denizen says, “I am check it out by not dying3 valent musical form before. Von Denizen’s speech Amazonian rain forests. said, . “a cheap publicity Unfortunateb, actually the designer of the worked! rock and roll. “Big bands: The aliens toid them!” gimmick” a sort of inter-. when one is immortal, one will be ignored by the Egyptian pyramids. One _ that was all. Big bands like But, the crucial question must floss regularly, this Misprint on Thursday, Fristellar CUSO? Or, was it a day, I received a telex from Glenn Miller, Tommy Dorcosts money, and the aliens day, and every day after remains, why did aliens .mor,e basic reason, as von the pharoah, who ihformed sey and Guy Lombardo. JohqMcMuffin from another galaxy bring Denizen claims? “They had to w’ork out a scheme to t.hat. me that I would live forThe musical historians claim rock and roll evolved from a freak mutation, -a hybrid between Rhythm and Blues and Big Bands. Btit that is impossible!“Campus Security people to ye’sterday after their names asked the turnkey on duty The campus was a flurry used bookstore where they ,“Archeological evidence, for the keys to the TV room gibe themselves’ up as the addresses and telephone of excitement as tension tried to carry out their found in the petrified re- ran to a fever pitch this past staff at Legal Resources numbers were discovered and all the money behind larcenous plans, again, ---., mains of old night clubs, I had told them too. ‘on, the .ride board. They the desk. without _ success. The week after a bizarre rob’ shows that the beginning of bery attempt took place in They waited for two were requesting a ride to The quick-thinking games room was all out of Rhythm and .Blues- is prehours for some sort of Hawaii. turnkey on duty asked the campus centre bank chatige and the used book-dated by rock and roll by at branch. response, finally decided to Burt Mattel1 and D. store hadn’t been used that , When the thieves told the The story began -#east four years! Four walk directly to campus Glass Write, both of no turnkey.they had forgotten last Wednesday morning day. years!” stated Von Denizen. security headquarte>rs and fixed address, have been them ip their other pockets, not long after the bank had themselves iti percharged with six counts of The robbers prodeeded to h& informed them that he turn Von Denizen’s theory just opened. The usual sonally. their last ditch effort: robcouldn’t do,anything withattempted robberjr with was attacked by Professor Wednesday morning lineWhen they arrived no one intent to commit grdss acts bing the turnkey desk, but out their ID ,cards; but, as Rollingstpne of Gonad Gab up (left over from Tuesday knew they had called in Lof indecent silliness: They only after they had played a they had tried to commit:six ble College. ‘Van Denizen night’s line-up) had alholdups already they had about their earlier robwill have their day in court round of Space Wars and ,has done all of his ati- ready formed. picked up acopyof Modern better ‘see the Legal Reberies, and their names some time in the spring of : cheolical research in TorTwo men dressedinbluewere taken and were told, %7. They, have b&n,+ TeStatics in very good con-i source Office volunteers to onto’s Rosedale nightclubs, j+eans and University of A&J what t-heir legal~rights . they ‘would be.cant&cted at leased on’ their ovirn _ +edition. : an area not noted for it’s Waterloo jackets saying’79 a ltiter date. This piece of cognizance and/must wear were while in court. 1 acceptance of Rhythm and tind Eng on the right sleeve On marched the intrepid paper was then misfiled silly noses and furry eyeBlues. Further, the ‘Big entered the line shortly bad guys to their meeting After their visit tq Legal forever. brows until their trials so n Bands -weren’t really that after ten-fifteen a.m. As with fate. . . and .the Resourqes, the two felons The two wrong-doers they can be recognized. big, just alittle medium big, they reached the teller’s turnkey desk. The villains proceeded to telephone the were finally apprehended Roy Goblin . well actually a lot medium cage at 1:15 p.m. they big, but it didn’t really pulled out what they had matter too much because told a diffident teller were the early rock bands had two highly volatile stink eight or nine hundred membombs. bers e&h.” They told the tiller to I Von Denizen responded give them all the bills in her to these remarks with his till and not to make any contraindicated by supersimple. But my favorite is expense account, particul-The Federation of Stu’ usual studied casualness. noise and to stop laughing fluity of motivation on the still the, one the-.-Misprint arly the one about spending dents Election Action Com“Horseshit!” he said. and rolling around on the part of the students,. but.- got hold of by’accident last $5,000 on pay toilets. No mittee for Influencing the Von Denizen then poinfloor as this was a serious one would have believed negated by month. “While it is not Provincial Election With- 1 this is partially ted to several other reams crime they were cotimitting. that thing about sailboats narcoleptic reticence by the guaranteed that other (polout Taking Sides scored of paper which, he said, The secreta.ry then Administration.” He then itical) parties. will act difanyway.. .” andther political goal today bore further evidence of the told the two n&ties that Foy th_en made a gratlaunched into a quick ex- 0ferently, we kqod that the when it announced its interference of alien mustheir crime was not’the only uitious statment about the platia$.ion of some common opposition’ parties L the programme for the future. “We exposed Jiini iciaos. thing that _should be serdoubltalk t.erms. Liberals and the NDP - are time of the committee’s Hendrix albums (and -do iously committted and furIdeas of the committee - “If we disc& fiscal opposed to the present next meeting and then went you know why he’s still therinformed them that she included putting out a liability, that means, ‘who off for a “meeting to discuss government’s policy of fis-producing albums? He was had no cash whatsoever monthly cutbacks news.the employer-employee inpays for this ,roupd?‘-Intercal restraint. 1 Isn’t that cloned by the aliens!!) to the and she’d just finished letter using crooked letraface connotes ‘oral sex’, great? That wqs..a mesqage terface” with OFS and light of a polarized magcashing a-foreign student’s set and crummy typing. while student relations Bette Stephenson. to my secretary to cut back netically monopolar caraward cheque. “Not near as good as means ‘fees’. It’s all so on some of the items on my Jullen Mc Wallace bon dioxide laser beam and The haried crooks dewanFedspork,” -enthused came up with this:” (see the ded she do something as they Mark * D’Labrador, the , attached photograph). were serious and besides newsletter’s creator. “This is. a photograph of a ttiey had the ping pong hologram we produced by -room boo~ked. In addition to this move, that method. It indisputPeter Foy, spokesperson The teller said that withably shows Hendrix pointfor the Committee, said out the proper identifisixteen flying ing out cation she couldn’t help; that they would be, doing saucers, a whale, and a that they would have t6see “lots of stuff to attract _. Fender guitar against astar attention and prove we’re the assistant manager. map of the Pleiades cluster. ization’s hopes to- trip-up the provincial / With this, the two evil workjng, but stuff .that Only minutes prior to going to print We have determined that Misprint learned from a source, who government? villains left the scene of shows that we’ll never the star the Hendrixans wished to remain anonymous for fear of .It has also been sugges.ted that Freefortheir horrible-crime and ran -really accomplish any: came from is NGC 1701. ‘all secretly posesses latent ma$ochistic thing.” his life, that Neil Freeforall, Federation of to rob the Fed office. They The only other possible ’ tendencides and he could not pass up the Students President, “tripped on his way were told that Helga was interpretation,” admitted opportunity of sm’ashing-his face into the not in at the moment and Forexample, a cutbacks up the stairs”. \ von Denizen, “is that it’s a .could concrete ‘floor. they please come displdy is planned for the blurry, otit-of-focus picThis mistake on the part of Freeforall Whatever the answer is, Freefoyall’s Campus Centre and th,ere back later?! ture taken by a talentless, opponents are sure to make a could.cost him his political career. At the political will be meetings. Lots and Not ,,to -be’d&couraged, the out-of-w’ork, Austrian ’ very least it leaves a lot of questions scdndal of this yvent. Rumor hasit that his lots and lots of meetings. two awful evil vile no: writer at his six-year-old unanswered, The first and faremost of major opponents, the students, have _ \gooders proceeded to rob daughter’s birthday parTo further thegoals of the these is: why+did he trip? Corild it have- asked security to check up on Freeforall’s Scoops, but were told by a ,ty.” committee, it was decided been that he was at the time under the history as they have reasontobelievethat vigilant. - scooper that- they _ Rollingstone admitted influence of alchohol? Or was it a he is directly linked tb Richard Nixon and were fresh out of “give us that most of these meeting -‘that the photographwas Freudian slip forcasting Freeforall’s evenbreak-ins. your cash” flavour. .- will be conducted in _- - - the Watergate .strong evidence, but said like a shroud After ordering two small ,,doubletalk. “We’re really . tual fall from power? Could it , be possible . .The truth, 1 . .surrounding 1 .an. c .‘I that he thought that it yas a chocolate member 01 the ethereal mummy, is sure to be unraveled cones, the two , goocl -at doubltalk. Listen: . that he , is a secret picture df “two bats wrestOrganization Interested in the Fee Hike in the near future. Pick up next ‘week’s That the success of such a bad guys tried bbth the ling ov(er a Geisha girl.” Strike and was in fact enacting the Org,ancopy of the Misprint for fu_rther details. pinball games room and the move would be doubtful is ----

-

Attempts at robbery foiled by robbers

.,

Committee to meet, talk, and meet some more

Feds to pursue creative inactivity .

.

I

Fkeefotdl administration ‘. rocked by utiexplained.fall

/

/

\

conditions

to

see

if a new

market

can

be

opened

up

to

suppliment

dwindling

NASA

funds.

In

an

exclusive

.

interview

with

USSR

Premier

Alex

‘flood’

Henderson,

Chairman

JJ Long

of

China

and

._

-

.-4

Chief

Petty

Seargent

Andy

Morton

of

outer

Mongolia’s

inner

,


,

Iqnprint is the student newspapr at the Uqiversity ofW4terloo. Ih is an editoris;lly independep newspaper pubbh;ed by Imp-$ Publications Waterloo, a corporation without shaqe . capital, PnivePsity-of Waterloo, Waterloo, Ontario. F!hone 885106C or extension 2331 or 2332. Imprint is a member of the Canadian University &ess (CUP), a student press organization of 63 papers across Canada. Imprint is also a member of the Ontazick Weekly Newspaper Association (OWNA). Imprint _ publishes every Friday during~theterm. Mailshouldbeaddressed -\ to “‘Imprint, Campus Centre Room 140.” We are $ypeset on -&&Ju.s withy a Camp/@ 610, paste-up is likewise done on -pus. Imprint: ISSNO7OS738C.

,’

Sharing the experience this week in Misprint’s how long group grow session,wereMarg: whobegantheseriaussheMingofinhfbitionewlth “I have this fantarrg ofwarm leatherettte andbeing a...a..EEditor”,which

prcmptedthewholeroomtodelve.intothe deepestdeptbs oftheirdwp minds. P@nentiuglnta a d&p sleepl&e trance were; Catbytbe~Bride, Tammy Horn, while being Qypnot&edbyth~Great 2embclin.i and his @or@ous assistant In day-@0 blue panw hoes Bruce Glassford. Also living out fiis carnal obsessions was Animal abusing Dave in a tank of

PG7, gazing on in enrapturedawewereTimPerlich,Fezz andRu.nderful Roy. Xhile Liz ran arouund in a dither cursing “lover not mend‘. Meanv4hileAnthonyWatemnaLn,and~l~wereforce-feedingJ~~ meal for the christmafl slaughter with John Mcmoo on adrenelin and cortezonewatchingl?razer SimpsonandKazendoingatangoin50,OOO pounds of champaigne drenched Mazshmellows. Floating deeper and deeper into the unconsious. Ira Nosebleed, Neil Randall and the Duck wadedattfiebaseof~TrenriFountainwithBermini~~ f&es ~dthe_MonaLisawithpfl~.DanAyad,~oweeks~~rscreamed when he saw JW chortle and turn into a pinko, Integrated Studies major, anti-nuke, commie fiend Spot f%naJJyputting together hsi firat pageturmedtosee~~~dLa;urieWaltzautthedoorontheirw~to afar lands, to a round of applause and tears. As the year comes to a olow.... MF. Cover Garbage by Jake (the man with the sense of humor.

,

r

i-

Imprint and-reti

.I!/&

;

res rves the right to screen, edit, z&n3 rtising. ._

-

.

/ ’ /

1

-

:

\

>

.

Friday,

Decembr

12,3BC.

Mispririt

4 _,

1f-y~~ r,ead nothing else...

Pleaie- Read. This!

Because we feel y6u students are getting tired of answering the satie old dum’b questic ms week after week, we’ve decided to get you to question our answer this week. And the answer is: Ldon’t kno%! ~ by Anamul’e

1 To the reader, I Misprint, is the annual humour issue published by Imprint Publications, Wateiloo. The purpose of this paper is satire; it is not intended to offend or deceive any reader. Satirical ads hqve been intentionally separated from our regular advertising to avoid confusion. Though this is a hum.our issue, the majority of staff felt tha; the recent death of John Lennon was zq occurrence that deserv$@ comment. Thkrefore ,on page 14 of t&e Misprint you will find -6 serious tribtite-to John Lennon. ’ ‘: Upon this rather humbling note the’:staff of Imprint would like to ’ wish you a merry Christmas and a h’appy new year. / , <-.i

J. Hoffa (nd relation) Civil Disobedience IV What’s_ wrong with my ,union’s ‘rnand for a ttioSqda$Wwo,rk week?

.

/

-: /

Tempoiary a.~. _’

bnchpin 07.

Mike Ferrabee for corporate sanity . , \

I

of a. body. mebw?

,de-

.

E&qwing, IIB Bee a body, ‘need a b’bdg .,l

,’

1 ‘Cheap ihots

department

We don’t heed no$ederation We don’t need n-g Space control No ill conceived plans in the back room ~-, leave our space alone leave our space alone! Hey 9All in all you’re just another brick in the wall. ’ All in all you’ve been one big pr*ck with the wall. ’ apologies to Pihk Floyd

Ray L. Strange ’ Advanced Mattress testing If I shaved off my beard and wore normal clothing, would f pass for Robert ,Redford? How about Ronald ._. Reagan?

Asirophy@cs I!JA j ‘. What do%s the micrdelectronics’revalution- ‘have to- &CJ fwith findink ‘my mummy? ;‘, + I ,, r:2^.. troops.

it

was

foun~Ih‘ntpolitir:nlprisoners:

I)

Rain.

Ken

Dodge.

Can a human in t.he big amounts of .nestures at

.

Pnr~~

Anni!A.Log”’ _ Arts. 1 ’ ic ~ comput& fip%happin,ess citcy by dri‘;lEr&g co$%us alcohol and makink &de pas&n2 h&c t&ks?

Burfurd Pusg d Arithmetic II Does itjake two to tango? , ‘

Karrow

and

Mark

Kilhournc:

wil

hi

trarfc:d

for

a pack

of

American

cigarettes

and

a pretzel.

to

the

New

York .

Red

Wings.

, .

, \

’ ’


Nev JS

Changing

*Anti-n&IL-very

The night that ends the watch news item: UW is to offer an official university watch to “alumni and a select group of friends”...“Through the Master engraver’s art, a stunningly detailed and richly dimensionalre-c&tion of the LJW sheiJd has been hand-engraved...highlighted to obtain the brilliant goldplated dial which graces the face of each time-piece.” Ladies’ pendavts and men’s wrist watches: $275.;men’s pocket watch: $295.

This offer is being made “at this time only,” and wiJJ never be made again. The watch “will not be sold even in the finest jewellery shops.” The official UW watch “may be worn with pride as an appropriate remembrance of the university-there is no other timepiece like it.” Misprint staffer Lady L Buvola was so amazed by these descriptions, that when the watch invited her out for dinner, she found the idea irresistable...

Just imagine, the exclusivity of it all! Just being seen in the right places at the right times with “The (as he is known Dial” could around campus) ‘mean so much to my career and future in the corporate whirl. ’ call (at After his precisely 8 pm) last week, ,Roomie and I sat up for long hours (to precisely z am) discussing the POSSIBILITIES, what I should wear, whether or not I should be fashionably late. Dial’s Knowing The pendant for accuracy, we decided I should be ready on time (so to speak). I confess I thrilled to the idea of dining in T O...the whole journey to learn The Dial’s Secret (sorry)...to study his finely crafted features and memorize his incomparable sense of timing! Would we be seen (for I had not ’ been informed of our dining destination) at Winstons? Or Glossops? At Three Small Rooms or Fenton’s? At -Les Copains or...or where? The Dial arrived at exactlj six pm to collect me. I was Roomie, shocked when looking out the window, told me the he drove not a Lincoln, or other quietly unostentatious symbol of Those Who Arrive On Time, but at 1978 LED. “ih well, at least it wasn’t a Volvo. Once in the car, The Dial put on a tape,of Mozarts “Ein Klein N.achtmusik”the one with the rhythm box and the groovy bass. I gazed lovingly at his long tapered hands as he expertly manipulated the leather-wrapped steering wheel. The Dial examined his face carefully in the rear view mirror and exclaimed we would have to that hurry-dinner at Winstons awaited. Winstons! The bastion of all those that Mattered... where seconds stretched into hours. The Dial continued with a timely remark, “I have long admired your hourglass figure,” - he whispered, “but in situation...the shifting-sands of the administration...I’ve been hesitant to say so.” I knew not whether the shifting sands of the presidency had produced The Dial’snew Wrights of speech or no. I was silent. Once seated at Winstons, we seemed to take stock of one another. The Art Deco decor appeared to suit The Dial’s nostalgic mood; he seemed to want to turn back

the hands of time. “The pate is too spicy,” he remarked. Too spicy? I became suspicious.I had heard rumors of a radical Crestectomy. Could he be ailing? As if in answer to my unspoken thoughts, The Dial ordered two quartz of ale for us. As a starter, I chose oysters on the half-shell, which seemed to offend The Dial. L Beef Wellington he agreed to-well done. Service ‘was deteriorating. Not only did the waiter have difficulty disguising. his distain for The Dial, but a large group of corporate and

KP-2500 In-Dash Player, with AM-FM fast forward and auto-replay/auto-eject. fM*fUtfc~.S tU‘0 n1ount Spdi(‘r.s.

government mandarins had just been seated. “I like to -come to this restaurant to unwind,” said one to the others “Those people all went to Queen’s and U of T,” The Dial lamented !P,., me. “BUT can you tell-!.. 1 queried. “There’s no - ah - face of time to them.” The Dial began ticking points off on one hand all he knew, , explaining what made them tick. They smiled at him, but did not come over, The Dial, sighed, shrugged his self-winding shoulders and said, “I guess you can’t buy time.” Lady L Buvola

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The organizations Waterloo Public Organization Researching Knowledge (WPORK), Ontario-PORK, Total Hiatus in Nuclear Knowledge (THINK) and Radio Active Uranium is Not Clearly Healthy (RAUNCH), all former antinuclear groups, have changed their tune in a startling over-night multiorganization conference. This re-organization takes place due to Ontario H ydro’s startling announcement of earlier this week, that they’d “dropped all plans to complete Darlington, (we will) shut down all Northern Ontario plants at once, (and) the Southern

Ontario plants within. the next two months.” “We’re sick and tired of every Tom, Dick and hippy who missed the ’60s boat crawling down our backs and jumping our fences”, said Hydro spokesman Byron Rhompsome. He characterized his opposition as “either damned kids who don’t know an electron from an election, or over-educated radicals who either just , missed their physics degrees or couldn’t get a cushy job with us.”

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ever saw when someone realized that our whole cause had vanished from under us and we had nowhere else to go! ‘Anti-nuke has been good to us -donations, T-shirts, buttons -and there’s nothing else around! I mean, Greenpeace has the whales sealed up, and we’d only get our friends mad at us if we tried to get into Acid Rain!” “We knew that something awful had happened when a ton of rotten tomatoes, rotten granola, and rotten politicians came flying through our windows - we found that Ontario Hydro had publicly laid the blame for cancelling the nuclear program squarely on us, and we can’t dodge it. J. W. Blast

Paulus MacClay, OPORKWindsor former researcher and now unemployed, told Misprint that his organization was “shocked”. “We were starting in on the biggest booze-up party you

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Friday,

Housing

I

*

Housing available in Northern Ontario. Four bedroom, semi-circular home, sleigh and dog team at your disposal. Phone Pivungnatuck general post office,

Pets 20' year-old fectionate,

pet, owner

very has

aftoo

many. Both parents known Ple’ase call 888-8888 and ask for Hugh. Need extra your unused Call GLOW.

several years. See Professor Tardy. HH 1279 Prime farmland, only one mile from Grand River, near mouth. Good location for young families, close to roads, schools, hospitals, vacant cities, Apply ‘F. White, Queen’s Park.

money? Rent closet space.

For Sale Essays. Wide variety of topics and grades. Choose from my collection of over 15,000. In business for

Personal Tired of spending nights befriending evergreen

trees? Sick of having nothing to do but scrape wax from your goldfish’s ears? You, too, can have an exciting night life. Just call Dial-a-Date for an instant friendship with another desperate person just as boring as yourself. Call: URA-0000 or KIS-SOFF

Free Free Breast

Examination

December

12,

1984.

Misprint

6-

,Clinic, after dark behind the Bauer Warehouse. Flimsy front opening blouse is best. However, nothing is nn problem. Sponsored by Engineering Society. For more information call Butch.

do anything; willing to sell, used cars, dig ditches in Wyoming and milk Elephants in Nigeria, ’ but only work for $36,000 or up. Call Burty at 885-1211

Wanted

Late model constitution for large underpopulated country with severe personality disorders. Must have Bill of Rights and Resources clause. Call PET

Unemployed University President requires job, can

600 feet of used spagetti, no sauce. will pay cash.

b Found Small discontinuity in the very fabric of spacetime: Owner may claim by identifying same. Drugs in my pocket. I don’t know what to do with them. Contact two former Strawbs doing New Wave. Red charmed quack, strange but housebroken. Answers to name of Ludwig.

Lost Five hours of consciou;ness at mad orgy on ’ Friday. Reward.

Southern Comfort. Enjoy it straight up, on the rocks, or blended with your favourite mixer. ’ The unique taste of Southern Comfort enjoyed for over 125 years. .

,

One large gold ring, studded with many diamonds, the largest being 157 car-’ ats, several smaller but equally flawless diamonds, four rubies, and three saffires. Great sentimental value. \

TYPiW Slow but cheap, will white-out errors, have dictionary. No m.ath papers or hard words. Call 986-1211, ask for a large with Anchovies.

Moving Will do light moving with a small truck. rates. You Reasonable provide truck. Call Fred.

The Manitoba Telephone System, a Crown Corporation since 1908, provides a wide range of telecommunications services to the people of Mantioba. M.T.S. is committed to keeping up-to-date with the extensive technological changes which are occurring in the computer, communications and electronics fields. Current

openings

include:

PROGRAMMER PROGRAMMER/ANALYST Opportunities competitive

ANALYST SYSTEMS ENGINEER

for advancement

are excellent. projects

salaries

and creative, challenging

M.T.S. will be on campus from January FOR FURTHER lNFORMATlON,

I9 to January-2 1, 198 1

OR 1NTERVlEW

CONTACT YOUR ON-CAMPUS

are

abound.

ARRANGEMENTS,

PLACEMENT

OFFICE..

Satire

Use of ridicule, irony, sarcasm, etc. in speech or writing for the ostensible purpose of exposing and discouraging vice or folly. Throughout this week’s paper you will find many examples of the high art of Satire. Many of these examples are ostensibly advertisements and are meant to make moral or ethical comments, rather than downgrade or detract from a product or service. Many of the advertisements in this paper are realand should be taken seriously. If you can’t tell the difference, see a doctor.


~-JXass.ifiedPersonal Just Ten!

Try

& Flunk

Grade

Past Masters Club only 4 the Genius. Box 6427, Sta. ‘A’, Toronto, Ont. M5A 1E3.

Friday,

Typing

December

Remember Now

Essays, reports, theses,’ resumes, term papers etc. Ten years experience. IBM Electric Typewriter. 5765619. Leave Message.

12,

when comedy he’s President.

1812.

Misprint

was King..

7 -

.

Will do typing in my home. 5 vears experience. Rea-

Experienced typist, essays, resumes,,theses, etc; No math papers; R_easonable rates; Westmount Area; Call 743-3342.

Ride Wanted

Across 1. first phabet.

letter

1

of

the

al-

of

the

al-

l

Down 1. Last phabet.

letter -

Canoe glades. (2-3) after share Betty

trip in the EverAm looking for ride people to Florida December 16. Will gas and driving. Call 885-5505.

Moving Will do light moving with a small truck. Reasonable rates. Call Jeff 884-2831.

Housing Available

.

Housing available for Burlington-Milton area winter work term students. 4 Bdrm. home on 1 acre with double garage, stables, landscaped. In-eludes fridge, stove, partially funished. Located in North Burlington. Will consider either 1 or group of 3-4, male or female. Rent negotiabie. Phone 403-2313998 or 403-337-3854 collect. Ask for Bill. Comple te double room for males. Individual desks and beds. Separate bath, toaster and tea fridge, kettle available. But no cooking. Five minute walk from either university. $18/wk. Singles available for spring term. Apply at 204 Lester St., Waterloo, a Mrs. Dorscht.

R,iorclan’s Warehouse

m-1 RzdT. Joimaliefsotsrott

b-v FRED WILLARD ?Eizz?

COMPANY

-‘FIRST FAMILY’

PP.ODlKTlON

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vice

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JOHN PiikOUSA

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UNIVERSITY

lbePteadentiolT~ From A Warner

Communications 01980

Worrier

Sros.

Warner Company

All Rights

Bros.

Reserved

STUDENTS

Waterloo University GRAY COACH SERVES DESIGNATED STOPS ON CAMPUS Fall Time Table

Part time help needed immediately Full time help needed January 1,198l of both downhill and cross country equipment is a big asset.

A N INDIEPROD

At the Administrative Office inside the North Entrance and at the Shelter inside the South Entrance

Requires both full and part time help

A knowledge

GILDA RADNER-BOB~~S’H,ART~MAD~~EL~~AHN ThetintDoughret

Leaves

Friday or day before Friday Holiday 12.04 pm, 3.08 pm & 5.08 pm Monday to Friday - 3.48 pm Et 5;08 pm (Waterloo /VoiTh Campus times are 3 min. earlier) Leaves Toronto: - 6.45 am - Monday to Friday arrives South Campus - 8.38 am Leaves Toronto: - 6.45 am - Monday Express arrives South Campus - 8.08 am Leaves Toronto: - 7.30 pm, 8.30 pm & 11 .OOpm - Sunday or Monday Holiday 4rrives South Campus Y 9.08 pm, 10.08 pm Et 12.43 midnite

ski

Please apply in person to our warehouse at 368 Phillip St. (at Columbia)

In Centre Stage Now Appearing

South

Campus

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HOURLY BUS SERVICE EVERYDAY TORONTO AND KITCHENER TERMINAL

Thurs. - Downchild Blues Band Frl -Toronto Sat L Ian Thomas Try The Pit bn Tues. & Weds. nights You’ll love it m

TIME TABLES AND POCKET SCHEDULES - MAIN FLOOR CAMPUS CENTRE

Coronet Motor Hotel .[I 871 Victor@ St. North, Kitchener 7444511 1

FOR TICKETS & INFORMATION: EATON’S TRAVEL, SOUTH CAMPUS HALL ZOO UNIVERSITY AVE. WEST TEL. - 8554211 - EXT. - 3362 or 3760

Gray Coach


Free Delivery of Mediurh or Large Size Pizzas to all University,-Co-op, and Married Student Residences ’ 1 Aardvark

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I- had been transported be(Not valid on any current specials) itself is’ a study- in dichc _ C. yond the rexllms of bliss ,tomous paradox: at Ilrst the M-inistry of which few mortals have ment, to. . beal tasted.” it seems 1N I:- AC! anal Natural Reg1ance merely, . -as t he, promotion . ‘ ‘z:‘,Tk Lliavmade public s”uLv--~ ” Nevertheless, Nomenclamaterial wou- Id- suggest, “a its choice for “best new tale concerture, currently a fashion light-hearted several ’ novel of the year” award. person,Fio Cr\rmnp --Mi&Drint writer n@gblazing (day__” .-.$9 glo:ious _- -, aY co-ordinator $5.&j) Rck-up or eat-in only well-known nights and a Iire. 0: gi that hei and raconteur Irate Nom-abana on tne a’. .KlVlerd... n:-e---n denies ,alities, 347 Weber St. I% - 355 Erb St: W. enciatu.re’s (alleged) nouan almost documentary 1 -1e‘X- .has had any connection1 Sun, Mon, Wed. & Thurs. 4 pm-l am Sun.-Thurs. 4 pn+idnight author1 Ala Naked Came the @gn-rif e :he with the book’s pose of 1*Tues. 11 am-t am Sardvark has been latided 1 ‘by ship, despite the novel’s Fri. & Sat. 4 pmSam \ existence experier_ lcea _-A.. Fri. & Sat. 4 pm-3 am t )y high officials within’the great acclaim. the pampered pels -1, of Uinistry as “polished, proI let-set ’ -L ydy884-l 550 Pool Table & Pinball 6854760 Plnball machines ;rnrntjVe and profound,” _ millionaire ,a “It’s a smutty book,” he , DOYS- ’ 6 : averred, ,i-dly caressing the In spite of aimost univerOn a more symbc Aic c clinging sensuality of his S sal commendation, howlt epitOI 4 passages of level, how? :ver, - ” -*’ --’ kewet-look polyester bodyever, certain one feels, Kler 1 such as the ’ shirt. “I.w~uld never write the work, Tiz%ian eco-philosoph icall a smutty book.” Uise of ridicule, irony, sarcasm, following excerpts, -have &h eitc. in speech or writing for the theosophy of a depth wl lture been deemed questionable ” o!stensible purpose of exposing few other than Nomencle He stated, “I would write by censor’s 1Doara:the -l. Ontario have the power to plumb. rede_eming r Id discouraging+ vide or folly, ally ?roughout this week’s paper a soci “Oh la paloma bla,nc such as: ,,,ages J“Nn. . I...mustn’t.” she _ . . , . )u will find ‘many examples 01 I’m just a bird In SkCY.” e high art of Satire. Many 01 groaned Dick Moody shifts of mean ling ese examples are ostensibly But Rod, his glistening, ;ed- with’ .a so mepjeasure. Ivertisements and are meant l intepspers already-naked chest heamake moral, or ethical com5 of “Unnngh,” he moaned. I . atche! what esoteric. snl with anticipation, ents, rat her than downgrade ving to really good F; detract from a product or seem 1be fdt - “y,good, was idly caressing the allegory feally good. Real1 h, ,allmarK: i se rvice. rnrino n;Jse of her velvet_Nomenclature’s _-, The ‘vark eyed any of the advertisements . the c$-this paper are real and should ola$e covered (ants - She sighed. taken seridusly. If you can’t At last, with a%grace born smiled. His II the’ difference, see a doctor. of constant practice, Rod and kpowl divested himself of his ofsingNlcole, sen: the clinging rkmaining garments. ity of his wet-look 1 she gasped in “Oh,” ester ~,,,rl body-shirt, the voluptuous’ ren Lwi&-eved wonder,. “your - __ k 1,

a

111

cl

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announce-

iJuryhLY-

--~

Tuesday Special

Medium

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--

Kit&n& to Waterloo Waterloo.to Kitelmer andbeidc Waterloo

-~~

CbngratuIations to the j$ks at University Pharmacy. They were the only advertiser to submit a humour ad for this issue, and thus have won otir prestigous award for humour in advertising. Thanks for getting into the spirit of- things, and happy holidays!

‘9&ka~ter House . CUT AtiD‘ STYLE

STUDENT CARD

i PEMANEti?

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THE ABOVE HOLDER OF THIS CARD IS ENTITLED TO A -20% DISCOUNT

Come in an.d pick-‘up your card at Conestoga Mall, South Entrance, 550 King St. North, Wat&lob Phone 884-6610

every Thurs., Fri., Sat. 9 p.m. - 1 a.m.

FOLKWNGER

574 Lancaster St. W., Kltchener

Pho& 743-43

- __ -P

‘1

r

I

1.

,

WELLESLEY Due to the success 6f our new ownership special, we at% now offering this special EVERY THURSD’AY

1 LB. PORK Ribs and pigtails rhis is ,a delicious combination‘ plate of ribs and pigtails, vegetable, . potatoes and bread. ’ Buy the first plate for 5.95’ =A and receive the’second plate fora

NICKEL

Bring a friend 5’p.m. to.11 p.m. Fdly licensed under the L.C.&O.

S ound ridiculous? Maybe, -but it’s ccDnsiStent with ~most of the a ssumptions evolutionists m lake...in spit& of, the facts. Th lis cartoon was borrowedfrom a Creation Life PU Iblishers’ advertisement foi- Evdution: Its Collapse 3m__ View, by Henry Hiebert. I

. 258 KING ST. N. 885-2530

WATERLOO, ON-II


Letters Desperation . fuels absurdity To the editor If you’re running short of copy--feel free to print this--if not--use it to wipe up the coffee before it stains your desk. A I will write whatever I chose. B Thy literal expressions will be uncensored, 1. Statement A was written by T.S. Elliot. Statement B was written by Jerry Flynt. 2. Statement B was written by Eddie Shack. Statement. C was written by Scooter Kennedy. 3 Statements A&B were written by Lord Anthol Layton. 4. The statements are gramatically incorect. 5. The answers are gramatically ~-__- incorrect. 6. All of the above. Aren’t you glad you 7. entered your faculty prior to the date when this examination became mandatory. Don’t you wish everyone did. ESSAY TOPIC ‘ZEet’s take five minutes to discuss everything we’ll never understand.” BT-ES-HEEDE-42go

December

12,196O.

Mispaul

9 -

Dated Ploy

time, and living gelatinous cube, I would also like to about the complain previous letter above mine. How dare you give it top ,billing, and leave me to play second fiddle! Sincerely Sir Geoffry S 0 B Maynard (Mrs)

The editor: I am sick and tired of all those letters that you print. It seems as if all that students do is. complain. Well, I’m fed up with the whole thing. Can’t students stop their bitching and say something good about some one or something? Isn’t there anything worthy of praise around here? It sure doesn’t seem like it! Week after week, the same thing - J. Nitpicky doesn’t like the Campq Centre colour scheme, somebody else wishes a certain professor would stop burning the marks on the front page of essays with his cigarette. Really! Aren’t you tired of printing belly ache after belly ache from students with verbal diarrhea excreting his or her own narrow-minded, predigested self-infatuated view? Personally, I think the whole thing stinks. A. Nagg

Subordinate Clause- bitches I wish to protest the usage of Jingle Bells with the current wording. I wrote’that song in 1790 with the following lyrics: Jingle Bells Santa Smells a thousand miles away wouldn’t wash his socks of course never mind the sleigh I have recently devised the following lyrics: Modern Girls of course Won’t go out that way Can’t abide a horse never mind the sleigh Honk Honk Honk beep beep beep that’s the modern way sixty miles an hour or more far to slow they say Necking with their swans on a motor bike never learned to ride the thing its just outta sight

Thinly-veiled nausea

H6nk...Honk...Honk...

Dear Editor, Dear Sir; I would like to complain about anything that appears in this paper. After all if it were not for readers such as myself ietters such as this would not help in the ex-poste facto occ/upation of space,

Toking blanking don’t you that’s

in the car in the back

_‘.

get uptight now

girls a modern fact H H H.... Mrs S Claus

Step into a different summer Job

8 Sainte-Marie among the Hurons (1639-1649) Midland, Ontario

Friday;

0

/Can

“Another you spot

boring, meaningless the important political

social comment.” leader in this picture?)

Historic Naval and Military Establishments (1817-1856) Penetanguishene, Ontario

/

Step into a different century this summer as a HISTORICAL INTERPRETER. . We need friendly, interested people who

want

to learn more about their and to share it with others.

heritage

If you enjoy working with university students, working outdoors on Georgian Bay and meeting many interesting people contact your Student Placement Office for further information about jobs at these historic sites. Historic

Sainte-Marie among the Hurons Naval and Military Establishments

DEADLINE

FOR

APPLICATION

- Midland, Ontario - Penetanguishene,

IS JANUARY

Ministry of Culture and Recreation

Ontario

14,1981

“Blatant

filler

-

the real photographer

quit.”

FighGng

Panzies. El Spoto de Newt


.

PART 1: SPACIAL FRANUBULOX ’ INSTRUCTIONS: WRITE THE LETTER OF THE WORD wHlCH BEARS- THE SAME RELATION TO THE CIRCLED WORD IN* THE SECOND SENTENCE -AS THE UNDERLINED WORD DOES TO. THE. CIRCLED WORD IN.I THE FIRST SENTENCE. 1;..;* \ - 1 1. JOHN TUR$@D&A@INTO A BASKETCASE. 2. NUCLEAR(&$ysI@IS A DANGEROUS-----------. A. DOG “. B; NEUTRON C. ‘FLYPAPER . D. STREET E. SEX --1 2' THE DEGREE OF -.@?%fi=?? OF THE PRODUCT Is INVERSELY‘ PROPORTIONAL TO -THE HEAT EMMITED. . 2. BURNING@~&~E OFF DARK CLOUDS OF ------r------WHIC,H..CAUSE SORE EYES. A. SMELLY UNDERARMS ’ B. BIRDS C. DISMAL D. FRED E. tiHG .3 1. IT HAS-ESTABLISHED THAT THE DOG DID u THE MOUSE TRAP. 2. SO @r’17IF I .TOOK THE SHITHEADS CAR? HE’S JUST A F*CK*NG +------. SAWDUST C. ’ GO D. PAT A.PEANUT ,B. E. SELLOUT 4 1. ALL ALONG THE DOPPLEGANGER’S WALTZED A TUNE. 2. SPAGHETTI-MAKES ME-BUT THE WORLD, DOESN’T MIND AN OCCASIONAL .BONEHEAD ------m----TO STARE AT. A. STREPTOMYCIN B. BOLT C. BATMAN D. GREEN E. SPACE 5 1. ONLY THE GOODm%OUNG, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT THE OLD DIE TOO. 2. HOLD THE m HOLD THE -LETTUCE, SPECIAL ORDERS DON’T UPSET’US, BUT WOOD DOES-_______-. A. TWINKI’ES B. DANCEC. FREE D: NOTHING E. UP, 6 1. -THE WORLD HAS COMEmAN END, BUT RICE. FOP. CRISPIES ST!LL SNAP, CRACKLE, 2. FLYING FISH@@?@SINK MORE THAN THEIR SHARE OF -----------‘A. VOLTAGE B. ‘!NTEGRALS C. CACTI D. GONADS E. LEFT EARS. 7 1. MATHEMATICS MAKES ME H-AVE .AN BIUT I STILL CAN’T COME TO THE l!s@m POINT. TO @m$IN AIR TECHNOLOGY 2. THE NAME . CANNOT BE GIVEN TO YOUR-----------. A. DOG B. SHOWER CURTAIN C. YEILD SIGN D. RETREADS E. MOTHER. eh 1. A @E~-AND FORGQTTEN.

HIS *

A. RADIATOR C. GUIDED MISSILE E. JAR OF CONCRETE:

I(;AMBURGER

B.

ARE

BOOK OF D. ‘POUND

.sOON

SYNONYMS OF BUTTER

1. WE ~REALIZE THAT YESTERDAY Is LEFT, BUT DO -WE REALIZE THAT TOMORROW IS _ IRIGHT? ’ 2, ONE ANDmARE TWO, BUT ARE YOU TWO --4-----------

‘?

A. , THREE B. E. OF A . KIND.

PART II (B): RHOMBOHEDRAL DIAXIAL INTERACTION INSTRUCTIONS: EACH ITEM IN THIS SECTION CONSISTS OF A SEQUENCE OF FIGURES ON ONE LINE, FOLLOWED BY THE FIVE LETTERED FIGURES. CHOOSE THE LETTER OF THE FIGURE ON THE SECOND LINE THAT CONTINUES THE FROGRESSION OF THE FIRST LINE. 1 ._ /

6:

MARRIED

10

D.

SHORT

w

,

WAS

IT HOT

PART II (A): INERTIAL GUIDANCE PERCEPTION INSTRUCTIONS: EXAMINE EACH OF THE FOLLOWING DIAGRAMS. IN EACH CASE PICK THE ONE THAT DOES NOT BELONG IN THE GROUP.

,A ’ .B

C

.

.~D ‘-.

E

0

c

D

e

0

E

I

. #

co

B

2 ’ /

CB

ALSO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS: 1. HOW MUCH WAS EACH HASH PIPE WORTH? 2; WHY IS THE THIRD WORD iN THE FOURTH LINE NOT PLUG?

0

2 cv

w

A

3. WHAT IS JOE CLARK’S POLiTICAL PLATFORM? 4. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A STREET WITH A CHICKEN? 5. SOLVE FERMAT’S LAST THEOREM IN G MINOR SEVENTH.

.B

3, .’ 30

a

7). THESIS:

)A( A

PART

III:

PROBLEM

@)

SOLVE

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DISCUSS WITH F.OOTiVOTES, THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS THESIS TO SOCIAL-POLITICAL PODEX OSCULATING .IN 15TH ‘CENTURY EUROPE, ESPECIALL,Y WITH RESPECT TO THE RISE AND FALL OF THE THIRD MAN ON .THE LEFT.

CAUSING

INSTRUCTIONS: 1)

2,

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E SEQUENCE.

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K 2,120,000,145,123,456 1066 0 lO,OOO,Ol ABC. -DE _

3) A CERTAIN’ RULER HAS 4079 SUBJECTS, EACH OF WHICH IS NAMED EITHER PETER, AHAB, BAHA, RETEP, FONZIE, YAGAZOO, ZORRO, FRED, DERF, HELEN, NELEH, SUE, LISA, ASIL, CHERYL, LYREHC, EEPY, SESPOOL, OR FALDON. ASSUMING THAT THE ORIGINAL POPULATION OF THE COUNTRY WAS FOUR PEOPLE, TWO MALE AND TWO FEMALE, AND ONE OF THEM WAS CALLED ZORRO, OUTLINE A FAMILY TREE OF EACH PERSON IN THE COUNTRY <AND DISCUSS GENETIC’ IMPLICATIONS. (NO IMMIGRATION OCCURED) I

TRANSLATE INTO ENGLISH,DESCRIBING METHOD AND JUSTIFYING IT.

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GIVE COMPLETE STEP BY STEP IN‘9) STRUCTIONS ON THE CONSTRUCTION .OF FENO-PROTOPLASMIC FIELD GENERATORS FROM OLD RUSTY BEDSPRINGS AND DEFUNCT I CRAYONS. 10) FIND THE HIDDEN PICTURE BY COLOURING . IN THE SQUARES (SEE NE*XT.PAGE) -

4) THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IS WRITTEN IN THE DIALECT OF ZELON, A BRANCH OF INNER MONGOLIAN. READ IT CAREFULLY AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS AFTER IT.

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VATER FROM GLASS A DROPS ON RESISTOR R2 i RATE OF 16MLiSEC. EACH OF WHICH IS 6GRAMS IND WATER HAS A SPECIFIC CONDUCTANCE OF :x10 -3 A -1 CM-- 1. THE BOAT IS TRAVELLING WITH i VELOCITY OF 200 KNOTS/DAY TOWARDS THE JORTH STAR AND WEIGHS 88 OUNCES. THE /OLTMETER HAS A SENSITIVITY OF lOKV/ AICRO-YARD AND FULL SCALE DEFLECTION OF :7.35DB PLUS/MINUS 28.35 DB. THE GENERATOR {AS A FREQUENCY OF 8 x lo’* HERTZ (UV ELEC?RICITY) WITH A STABILITY OF 46~10-8~%. THE :RANSISTOR IS A PPP 67 PNGC2738. I EQUALS 16 -Icd EQUALS 112 ST IOLTS, Ibc EQUALS ; TAN 0 d (f(x (0))). THE LEVER HAS A MASS OF 3 rROY OUNCES WITH A FORWARD BIAS VOLTAGE )F 16 KILOPASCALS AND A MAXIMUM ENERGY THE PIVOT POINT IS >F 12 JOULES/INCH. dOCATED 2 INCHES FROM THE END AND THE .EVER IS 14 INCHES LONG AT REST. HOWEVER, THE LEVER IS TRAVELLING 0.9986 THE SPRING -IAS A SPRING CONSTANT OF 14.44 TESLAS PER lHM DEGREE KELVIN. THE MAN OPERATING THE rOLL GATE BUYS ICECREAM FOR HIS KIDS ON SUNDAY AND LIKES TO WATCH CARTOONS ON rHE BLENDER. THE FISH HOOK IS MADE FROM vlETALIC HYDROGEN TEMPERED AT 15x103 IEGREES K AND IS 3x10-4’ AU LONG. THE FISH .IKES TO SMOKE CUBAN CIGARS AND DRINK PERKIER ON YOUR

WITH ANDY WORHOL FM DIAL (93.6 CABLE).

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QUESTIONS: 1 DE-SCRIBE THE MOTION AT POINT A IF A VOLTAGE OF 6 OHMS IS APPLIED TO THE LEVER FOR THREE SECONDS IN THE DIRECTION OF THE . BOAT. 2 DRAW A FORCE DIAGRAM. 3 EXPLAIN WHY PRESTRESSED CONCRETE WAS OF THE USED IN THE CONSTRUCTION VOLTMENTER. 4 WHAT WOULD THE CONSEQUENCES OF REPLACING Rl WITH A HALF-GALLON BRICK OF CHOCOLATE ICE-CREAM WITH SPRINKLES BE’? 5 IF THE AMBIENT TEMP. WERE 19 DEGREES KELVIN AND THE SYSTEM WAS IRRADIATED BY tf -MESONS AT 48 TERA-ELECTRON-OHMS FOR 10x2-300 LIGHT YEARS/(FURLONG/FORTNIGHT), WHAT COLOUR OF RADIO WAVES WOULD BE EMITTED BY THE FOUR MICRO AMU MASS ON TUESDAY NIGHT AT 7:35:26 EST?

graduation ceremony, his diploma is handed Note the serious air in which

the proceedings are taking place. Is the Test destined to one day become the sole of admission at the University of Waterloo?

You are probably wondering why we have abandoned the fun and frivolity of the Misprint for something as pretentious as the Society of Silly Intellectual Persons’ IQ Test. Is there a place for such an exercise amid the gaiety, the joy, the unbridled passion of the Misprint? Quite frankly, yes. You see, at Misprint, we take intelligence very seriously. Given the declining standards which are, even now, running rampant at most Canadian universities, we felt it was necessary for some objective standards to be applied to students.

And who better to apply them? In order to better facilitate our you to send US your answers reasonable facsimile thereof). enough responses, we can get a intellectual calibre of the students the very least, we can get a few Send your answers to: Loxy Rimecog c/o Misprint

The SSIP IQ Test was developed by Guzonas (alias Da Gouch, Rimecog, -Loxy

Snot Here) and Oppocy Criple).

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aTHE OUR CANADA DAY IE - Featuring the Our Canada line PETCO

What if there were no jobs in 1984 when you graduated? You can plan for this unpleasant contingency now by joining.. .

proudly

presents:

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The Dirigible Institute of Canada We are a self-help organization that manufactures its own bliss machine! We pay ourselves through strangely recurring grants and rich flat-earth types while we build obsolete and unsafe dirigibles in which we can escape from the realities that plague us. Don’t delay! We will pay you and make you healthy again. Bliss machines can work! The

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In order to better serve the community, PETCO, which just recently started selling consumers what they should already have owned, has decided ‘to celebrate this holiday season by holding a sale of its own special brand of products. So the next time you go into Iour local grocery store, look for the special RED AND WHITE tags on all Our Canada brand goods.

Throughout this week’s paper you will find many examples of the high art of Satire. Many of these examples are ostensibly advertisements and are meant to make moral or ethical comments, rather than downgrade /or detract from a product or /service. J

THIS IS A TEST OF THE MISPRINT EMERGENCY PUBLISHING SYSTEM. FOR THE NEXT SIXTY SECONDS, PLEASE STARE AT THE DOTS BELOW. DO NOT PANIC; THIS IS ONLY A TEST.

THIS WAS A TEST OF THE MISPRINT EMERGENCY PUBLISHING SYSTEM. THE DOTS ABOVE CONTAINED THOUSANDS OF TINY SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES SUCH AS “THERE WILL BE NO WAR”, “NUCLEAR IS GOOD FOR YOU” AND RADIATION “WELL, TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE”. IN THE CASE OF A REAL NUCLEAR WAR, STARING AT, THE DOTS WOULD HAVE ENSURED THAT YOUR LAST MOMENTS ON THIS PLANET WERE HAPPY ONES. THANK YOU.

>. .- ,’ Irr the nineteen-forties, a gmaf Xiterarg tm&ion ~01s born. Writers be ane&ng srm&~+m&~ wkMmwdotPr(, 4.) instead of one. I- his at the saw tjrme encaura~d &t reader to read further and participate in the WC& by supplying his own interpretation of the rather nebulous punctuation. By the sixties, . . . was very widely us;ed, nat alwjar: Q correctly. Scholarly journals and CC&C bmka alf I Q used . . .;t;ven ne&spapers wme knawn&mnd~etrtenc~& witkit, This was the height of 2s popularity, Then,

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However, some minor prominent inter-. national historians have commonly referred to Smythe’s book as “Dolly Parton Sings the Blues.” This is in reference to the fact that Smythe constantly quotes Bluegrass and Neil When dealing with international history one wonders how many differentiating.factors are Younge lyrics in the most glib manner. Even if involved in such magnanimous issues enlife were but a circle, then even Carlo Ponti could not possibly forgive D.W. Griffith for graved throughout the encompassing years. As WiIliam Shunt once said: “Life is not worth plaigiarism. living unless a bowl of Campbell’s Chicken For Smythe, Aristotle is the ideal, and life is a cyclical process of repeated manouvers for the Noodle soup is placed in front of them.” What sake of boredom. If this is all he can say then, he really meant to say was: “Why doesn’t Mao Tse Tung eat filet mignon?” “I’ll drink to that.” (Charles C. BetterlatethanTo many in international history, Shorter A. ’ never, 24 April, 1969). Pieceofcake, Richard du Tracey, for example, If, however, Smythe’s interpretation turns Smythe is, to say the least, slightly short of a full out to be true such as as‘maybe diplomacy is a deck upstairs. Tracey claims that:. “While procession of spaghetti-mongers, then how ,deeply involved in his (i.e. Smythe) work, he about a date honey?” (p. 271), then life as a tends to illustrate a perception of one who sees diplomat is a saucy reception. history as something flushed down the toilet.” The answer may be in TV sitcoms, whereas (see Tracy, Diplomacy’s Watercloset, the non-reality /placates itself for insurance 1975.) To Smythe the regions of power policies. However, the basic ideas expressed ’ in Smythe’s book are blatantly elliptical, and, if range from small to large, quite the contrary so, maybe a true answer to problems does - view held by most international historians today. Smythe believes that such nations as circumnavigate itself. But for the layman Albania, Klopstokia and Muldoone are the Contentious Issues is by far the most unbelievable book written since W. R. Barrel’s registered and centrist controls of multinational corporations and international book (Bars to Drink at in Embassies of the diplomatic powers, and that such monolithic World, 1976). , granite quarries as the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. In asking questions on the inter- war period Smythe misses the point. On the Munich .are merely fronts for such oligarchic organizations. Conference in 1938, he states: “Mussolini ate ’ Contentious Issues in International History . Co&ad G. Smythe Alleghbny Press, 1979. Pp. 570

I

Civil~s&vant ‘saws U.S. Pres. The Day They Sneezed at the President Robert Poulet DelGhandballcourte Press

“It was a cold, damp, dreary Monday morning, that morning on Monday when I walked-up the steps of the Zapata building, named after famed Mexican astronomer and gourmet chef Chaim Zapata, unaware of the crisisin which I, my girl friend, my girl friend’s h grandmother and her dentist, my neighbour’s dog and the.entire free world were soon to be * plunged; if I had known, I might well have said: ‘Oh my god!’ From the opening run-on sentence of TheDay’ They Sneezed at the President’to the apocryphal closing words (‘The End’), the 1 astute reader will be puzzled and, perhaps, amused. In the final tally, the book is entertaining enough to be worth $3.50. Well, _ close to it in any case. The story is common enough among suspense novels, It revolves.. around Rolph Fotheringriosegay, a minor civil servant in the fictitious land known as the V.T.B. (get the symbolism?l. Fotheringnosegay, through an incredible set of circumstances, uncovers a plot to kill the President by infecting him witha deadly virus. The book is roughly divided into two halves (probably because of. the poor quality of the pulp *paper on which it was printed). The first half deals with Fotheringnosegay’s discovery ’ of 57 foreign agents who have been treated _ with the virus and whose mission it is to get close enough to the President to transmit it to him by sneeze. \, The second half deals with the effects of a crack team of gynecologists and plastic surgeons to revive the stricken head of state. Robert Poulet, the putative author, makes a clever comparison between ,a country with a leader physically incapable of leading and a country under normal conditions (although stating his premise in the opening sentence of the second half of the book is a trifle obvious and does tend to spoil the effect). The end of the novel will have you sitting on the edge of your seat (or perhaps falling off of it) with . quickly paced chapters taking place in a small cabin in Biloxi, Florida and on President Lincoln’s nose. Poulet, whose first novel, The Time isRight, the,Shupe isscrewy, took the literary world by storm (well, more of a drizzle than a I downpour) has taken a trite, hackneyed story -and made it seem merely silly. Many critics have lauded this as a step in the right direction. Stylistically, Poulet is a turkey. Although he does use verbs more, frequently in this, his second novel (in almost every sentence, in fact) he has affected a love of long sentences which does not serve him well. Chapter seven, for instance, does not work because 23 pages ; generally deserve more than two sentences. - Rumour is that Tire Day They Sneezed at the President is soon to become a “Major

Motion Picture” (working title: TheFotheringnosegay Papers) with Charlton Heston in the title role. If the film is anything like the book, it . will probably be as entertaining. . Or not. Irate

pizza and drank Chiantiwhile Hitler droned on and on for hours, in the -most incomprehensibleform, on the subject of lebensraum in the mid-Pacific Ocean.” (p. 384). Could it be that Smythe, has misunderstood the English policy of appeasement, or was he hungry d-the time? O-nly the American Leauge of Women Votes could answer this. But when Smythe remarks that ‘-the First World War was a watershed between the nineteenth and twentieth centuries and the effects ‘of such were insurmountably unpredictable:” (p. 292), may have been closer to the

truth. Who knows and who really cares, Smythe is a has been. As B. K. Irwintoy once remarked: “historyis the refuse of material given to historians since they have nothing else to do,” is probably a closer approximation of Smythe’s thesis. If, on the other hand, Smythe knows something of history, it is not evident inthisversion of a Glad garbage bag commercial. On the whole, Smythe expresses a concern for global news, and how long PeterTrueman could speak before saying, “That’s not news, . but that too is reality.” --A. ._J. Waaterhose

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tovs a booming ,i,dea 1 . I Jingle bells, jingle bells and deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-boom-boom - yes, it’s time for holidays and happiness. In keeping with this seasonal fun, the Engineering Department,, taking its cue from the Peace and Conflict Studies Department, will hold their own symposium. Whereas the Peace and Conflict Studies department focused on nuclear problems and armament, the Engineering Department has decided to hold a symposium on behalf of armament’s more popular side, that of arms for society (or The Big Bang for The Little People.) Yes indeed, Santa’sgot a few surprises in his shock-proof sack this X-mas. Christmas comesin I brown packages and wires for the little ones. How about Boom-Boom Benjy, the GI Joe doll with a difference - his own munitions. Watch little Bill moving his very own piece of extruded plastic around the yard with Boom-Boom’s real tiny explosives. And what about those civil engineers and the mighty Shlonka Demolition and Excavation Kit - everything for the liberated little girl with a need for the real thing. The engineers will be setting up kits with a scale model empty deserted half-finished apartment and a half astick of dyna-mite and a trigger device. What could be more exciting and constructive? And for older children, there will be all sorts of exhibits, such as funny trick bridges that collapse with use and electrical games that malfunction. i And just think, only 13 more days ‘till Christmas . . . h

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page appears as’ 91 tr%bmte to John Lemon, xxmsician/so~iter, pac%f’Ut, husband and father.‘the+ staff at Imprirrt felt compelledto say sinimthing a-t one of such distinctiokallathis is what appears. We arresorry if this being inthe Misprimt offends anyone.,It trulyA . was I 1 This

not meant to, bdbur next paper would mot be gablished until jammarg l&1981, aiU that wouI.d be fi too Iate. There is nothing her6 that did&t receive a lot of thought and attention, What is written is written from the heart andsoitstands.

John Zennon the human being is dead; dead \ John Lennon, was he genius? Or was he “the an+ gone. He is no longer able to defend himself ,’ . \ ’ fool on the hill”? against attaok8 on his character andbelim. I I Well, he V& a bit of botlq all great men are. tid myself standing here outraged at the . _’ desecration going on. In his arboreal death we should all come to F-8 the fact that he was merely human Andif Radio stations that for ten years dqgmatically .W W believe that he is dead, then it ‘could refbsed to play “Working Class Hero” because the > no+w8 mattered that he w&8 ever di.8. word “fuck” appears in it twip &I?8now plw Imagine there’s no heaven ’ It is h his uIltime8ly pa8sin.g that he should the song regularrly. Newspapiere that once mould seeitifyoutqy offer us his greatest gift - the strength and print ar@hing defa;matorg about John LeMon No hpll below us iIWP~aticm to build the world of w--which he . a~~p&3ab4ng about h8adline&tha& glow him Above UB only sky nevep lived to see. Lavers are already tryi~# to divvy up the Imagine all the people - LeMon estate. It sells. And it’s repulsive. They Hewalkedtheroadofturmofland. Livingforto~ reek so uribearably that I wax& to puke. contmveqy, never yielding to his critics, never ?eople who used to sit at home; wwe.John copping-out under the burden of disapproval.. Imagine ther8’s no countr&s ‘was in t@e stm8ts with thousands of Others~ . The fact that he w&8 rich and was once much Itisn’thazdtodo s protestingforanendtokilUng(in~form),, more farmous placed all the more res~&biufy NothUg to kill or die for me now out marching for tighter gun control upon him to g&e a good aample. And no religion too legislation I see students on this campus, that His work with aspiring musicians in New 1-e E&the people never become involved in society, wearing black York and around the world proved him to be Living lU8 in peace ‘arrnmds and listening to Beatle-Leqon music reachable and understanding, on por&ble radios. Our glorious (sic!) House of You may say I’m a dmamer An idealist, in all senses Cammons ~8-88 to send condolences ‘to Mrs. But I’m not the only one U.- of the word, he waged a sincere battle against Levon on the grounds that the death i$ not I hope some day you’ll join us oppression-defending not only himself (against tiporta$it. y6t it can just& the spending of And the world will be one I the US government), but countless others , Ig millions Of’dollws and months of its &lua~e -- against the threat 6f pestil&ce an~‘pqjudice. Imagine no possessionS 7 1 ’ ’ ~ time on pi& n& flag: ‘The size and degree But, BS alwaiys, it is in his death Weforget his ;I ‘wonder if you can of the hypoqi@7 is pure insan&y. All his life shortcomings - his incorrigSbility, his No tieed for greed or h@er . ’ John ‘LeMon tried to- des,w ioons and now *o&a&on.al tibnoxiousness, his ~bitterness. Or brotherhood of man \ W8?8 maki@3 him on8 in thb,most putrid way. Per+ps the l3etttles &id give John the short Imagine aU the people . If Leqnon .ad> mm8 back’now -he’d probabv end And John,carried Paul and go6 18~~ credit Sh.aHng dl the wopld scream ah our faces.hm shit$y we wepe. W’$ere We is rarely aa f& BS it is often portrayed ti PO WBS the timotion, the sadness, the thought, when You may say I’m a dreamer he.qvas aUv6 and strq@Un& for +ivyra w? John% death proved th&GL ,Btit I”fn..not the only qne J&n ,Lennon lived foti peg a;nd no-w he is dead We should ~8spqct John LeMon for what he was and a&ept Nm for what he *a&t ~$y.&&~ ‘- :&nd I beg$hatyoudo notjudgeQim@&@..&$nsarnd I_..- _ ; &.~~~-.~..~~~~~~I~~ lo&&; ; 0*,-t he tp& & ~~a-&:‘~$&&~& .:., things ‘he loved m&t int&s worl&, &@ wife ’ . Don’t let happen to John LeMo$s meiqoryr thak which happened to El@!, Yoko, his son .serm, and hii tlh3am q3if t&Yl$eP,. 1 d tiore beatiti$i& and compassionat m I do At this awkward time mymind is flooded with I pray that John tiMon now at last has not beligve that he would even want.us&o the many songs and lyrics which ~emplif!ied found pea&. Because he could nev& have known memoriali him : ’ John’s life and his death - he really v&8 a. it on this planet If he &d what he lived fo; has any meaning to prophet when he said, “The way things a~8 &spew and sadly sUbmi&d, yoti then let us help to achieve the Drew Care _ , going, they’re going to cruci& me.” about pgople just a -little more. It’s not & late. Peter Smacirio Dan Ayad

.

Iwine

,

This mornmg I Cearne’d of the death of John Lennon. This review was written, Saturday December 6, two days before that death.1 : thought for a while that I shourd re-write the review, bu-t I then figured that, it would be unfair to everything, to’ do So.- Like many people I am saddened by the death, ,saddened’ beyond belief. is hard to.believe that this will be the last album. Somehow, in -view of what has happened since the album% release, the picture on the cover seems highly, highly beautiful. ..

long time; + fact, th6y are probably the best, a8 a whole, since his tist solo album ten years MO. “Cletiup Time,” althoah a little weak, shags that the man caq still rock, yhile “BeautifU Boy” shows that he can still be wonderfUlly SOD?zY* “Dear Yoko” ‘demons&&s that he G still a 2nast8rof~atrulymund+n8idsa,an~by ’ ,,applying exactly the right number of hooks, - turning it into a minor gem And there are three truJy superb Lennon songs on the albums the. It sin;$re, f’(Just Like) S~‘Oveti’,~the brilliantly construe

the qels”,

“Woman”,

and

above

all, Tllutching

surely his best tieloc& of the last ten yeam. What characterizeq LeMon’s sqgs&e his 3 / I unflinc~ optimism and his subtle *melodies What I’d like to say about this album is that it subtle in the sense &at no chow, no hook, no“ is a@r&th of fresh air, a posit$v&joyous bridge seek out of place. This is the mk of a st@ement of love in a world of rock.and roll great song-craftsman, and it w not be out of fUled wit+ qmicism and downright-hatred pla& to suggkst that LeMon is the Irvir-$ Berlin Unfortunaely,.I can% Quite sw,thaQ instea it is‘, \ of the tick and poll genepation a B-plus effo& mm a man who, 86812011:his But a f!irstrclass song can rarely surviv6 without own, has proven th+t he is m A-plus musical a tis&class p6tiormance; LeMon .does not talent. John Lennonxp~~es cloq37 hyre.tq 1)8disappoint. H6 voice is, sta one of the <three or ms&ing m pl&$ i@f$~f~~~~Q~t of, ‘\ foui? best t$at the ro& world has &er heard, and @ntempor~ mqsiqi@;. A.btit close isn’t &it8 aqone wQo doesn’t shiver with glee’when the I. enough first, “It’ll be”, is sung in “Starting Over”, has been This is L8MOtiS first out-‘@ five years; wd ‘away fiorn true rock and roll for toolong. The a lot has happened to music in thosb five ye&es. voice, thank God, is mll there. .Thanl&l& LeMon has igno?ed the changes and QIJ the other h&d, I wish Yoko Ono could sing. I concentratid on *hat he, does besti constructing really do. Because she proves on this album that idealistic s&&3 of positive hwnarnity with just she can write songs, if riot perfec@, then at emugh of a hard edge to make them pdatable. least not without oonside~ab~e talent. But she is Thew’are he best songs he’s done for a long, a far better writer than a singer.

Yoko’s problem is that she has ftna;lly.fomd the range in writ&@ but is @ill sho0tQ.g at the clouds iir singin& “BeautifU Boys”, for example, is a fine song, but it is sung disastrously. “I’m YOUr Angel”, is firni-Umost mm but ag&in it suffers &Om a weak vo& attempt. And speaking of weakness, if a song wa23 8Ver in need of being - rescued w a real singer, that song is “H&d - Times are Over”, the number which closes the album. Here is a good, solid song, with a qhorus that is so excellent that it just cries out for a potierful, cutting voice such BS LeMon’s; what it is g2ven instead is a halting, bleating, wimpish I. treatment that renders it practically meaningless. But the song, I must empha8$e, is Bxtremely good, 88 are several ofyoko’s here. Why then is this a B-plus album? Simply because it could have been so much more. ‘If the I LeMons were listening, I would suggest to them not to let John do it aU, &8 has been so often suggested in Fh6 past, but rather to let John sing YOJCO’Ssongs. LeMon’s greatest problem in his solo career isthat he could never write an entire album h of excellent songs; Yoke is now a good enough writer -- and a growing writer - that some of I this problem can now-be solved. LeMon can’ Tmrite - God, he can write! - and Yoko can now help. There is a chance that the LeMons can deliver a tinily spectacular album in the very near . future. Double lparrtasy Isn’t’ it, but it is an enormously promising comeback for a great, great artist. ’ Neil ‘Randall

2 ,


The Arts

Records

-Friday,

December

12,

c.600AD.

Misprint

lb -

*

Bruce

Springdong The Liver PDQ Records

Considering the considerable amount of consideration involved in the production of this album, it’s terribly flat. It tends to be black and similar to Springding’s other albums. As a point of fact it seems to be the same as many other LP’s. The cuts on it are, in general, shallow and without depth. I found it difficult to listen to, as it ha$ nothing to say, and I had nothing to say. Then I deftly removed the record from it’s sleeve and placed it on my modest gramaphone, turned the aforementioned contraption on and listened. The tempo was 7% to slow and-ttTeyrics were slurred and thick.

In the future I highly recomend playing this album at 33.33rpms, as it definitely improves the clarity and tempo of this product. After listening to thesongs, I listened to the music- this meant replaying the album. Oh well, they sure don’t make albums the way they used to. Mr Springdong impressed me with his versatilityhe can play guitar, drums, keyboards and sax, all by himself, personally I think he’s an octopus to play all these instruments at once. The cover of the album mentioned various “credits”(whatever those ‘are), and was otherwise attractive, sporting a photo of an unshaven gent, whom I later learned was none other than the legendary Spruce Springsproing. You can pick up the disc at any local record store, but I recommend you buy it. It is much more legal (and moral, in this yuletide season). By the way you must have the necessary equipment to play it. A record player will do just fine. Don’t forget to bring money (to buy it, that is). Dan Airhead

Toyah The Blue Meaning Safari Ieya 666 leya. I am calling. My metals are shining The serpent screams Fear the beast. Fear me. I’m the beast. ’ Can you hear me? I’m calling you. Zion Zooberon, Zion Zooberon, Necronomicon. leya. I am solar. I am calling you. She is calling you. Move over Lene, Nina, Chrissy H. Gina. Beware the eyes of May. Toyah and the Blue Meaning are here. Yes, it’s yet another U.K. female, complete with vibrant pink moptop, cosmic garment, foot-long earring, hypnotic stare, and eyeball trinkets caressing her death-while neck; a spaceage Linda Blair. The Blue\ Meaning, her first album is

crawling with insects, visions, ghosts, mum-. mies and beasts, all accompanied by Toyah’s stark, crisp, vocals and unusual sounds. This blue and pink musical effort includes her single Helium Song or Spaced Walking, a little ditty about the joys of magic mushrooms which transforms Toyah to cosmic chipmunk as her voice flotas through helium to the tune of balloons and. laughing lyrics. “Natures seed, nature’s joy, nature’s seed, nature’s toy.” Nature’s Toyah. All other anthems on this album are anything but laughable. Each lyric looms eerie and ominous reeking with black hollow eyes, begging lunacy, satanic saints and malignant violence. , The Pink macabre. Toyah’s exudes a droning hypnotic quality you can or cannot ignore depending on your ear’s musical habits. She belts and screams her way through. Ir&ec ts, Visions, and Tiger, Tiger, all songs of horror and fear in a stunning delivery by her satanic pink majesty. ~ Fellow cult members Joel Bogen, Pete Bush, Charlie Francis, and Steve Bray make unusual guitar rifts and arp sounds for their leader. With her raucuous yet stark vocals and satanic chants, Toyah, ashe-devilincarnate, is not every body’s cup of herbal tea, but if you’re adventurous, try it. Jan “Kitch” Smuts


1

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Canada (BS.) - Canada, home of Hydroand-a burgeoning nuclear energy ;ndustry, must find still more energy sources says Dr. Harry , Budston-‘Windpip?, Chairman of the Canadian Or&&ization for Frequent’ Energy :a Exp&rimerits. Dr. Budston-Windpipe and his group propose Pert Power, and to 6rove their idea can aid in Canada’s energy needs, ar? asking for a Federal Grant/for furthek research.. ’ Tk %method ‘used in PekC Power is a giani ‘2 j -step from gour household coffee p&colator. &dston:Windpipe ,feels that instead of +.~leati proliferation andits i&rent pr<blems / his COFFEE. shopb have been able to ,con@ruct a f.ull-size percolator power reactor. Budston-Wiridpipi believe’s Pert Power can answer. all of Canada’s energy problems up to forms of r i 1fhe year 2150, or until more alternate / energy are discovered. ‘,

Filtration -looks like it may be another problem, sunless the Mellita Company can produce a cheaper, more efficient system. Right now, Mellitta has hag to spend all its time‘ gluing regular 8 cup filters together to form a

Ontario Hydro”is one of many Canadian %tilities who are interested in what’s ‘taming I .out of COFF.E.E’s proje@ed brganization training seminars being h&Id in To@tqat theNettles company’s Canadian offices this . week. -’ &d just “-what is coming out of BudstonWindpipe’s’ COFFEE POTS? Well, Ontario Hydra believes the coffee research teams have come up with a viable alternative source that

,

*rury.

interested in tailoring tke Pert P!qwer reactor - focus is on making the public aware that using -to-their needs because of their 1arQe supply of Pert-Power will cause us to rely on a single raw materials. power sour& and that overuse of Pert Power may keep us awake at night andcause nervous The Italian g&rnment is very intereste,d in’ - twitches and ‘irratibility around loud doctors a small&e highldeffitient Pert Power reactor telling us that Percolator Power can be debecause of tlitiir country’s small area. The --u-1,,L,1 II ,, LallelIlclLeu. coffee group is cdoking towards a clitix Th’e U.S. has come up with a system aljpointed percolatipn unitized , cent&ally incorporating frozerrand dried fuel, lessening centralized internzllly qon-organic’system. . the chance of caffeine spmls. By adding a ’ This Cappucino system would be more chemical called Anhydrousoarbonated cl&effidient and- more powerful, but would have ory, it can take out the bitter taste. This-system many comparable problems to that of the is called Initiated Neutron Static Totalized .American fast-breeder reactors.M@ .the Anydrous Nodulized Traction. extreme Pert-pressure of the cappu&no tgpe ’ In an unrelated incident a truck, carrying a reactor ti&ld be more likely.to caus&dreaded load qf chemical buffers necessary to control a and highly toxic c’affeine spills. The Ontariopercolator reactor in time of boil over, ran off * based anti-pert group 7 Team Environment the 4ql East of the COFFEE shops and spilled Aware .is cancassing ‘Ior a mdratorium on its contents on the right of way. Department of Percolator-power facilities- until ‘the full ~Highways crews are out cleaning up the nonenvironmental impact of the new system can toxic spill, z;dd ndcharges are periding against be asshssed. . . the Creamette Company of Canada driver. The Tea Group wants the-public to realize the OPP are requesting that .motori+$s drive that &c-Power i&‘t the ‘only answer to past with caution unless they;have their own Canada’s energy problem&. The tea group’s_ sugar. Roy Gulpit

1L

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produces 50,000 kq of cbntinuous p,qwer. .- ‘As. with. @iclear powerfs problem with . when functionitig t0 fGl1 ’I ) 4 ;-s nu&ar waste,‘F%rti. Pqwer has iis & residue . efficiency . . 9a&4500 . . . _ cups of gT@blem, one* th_at*zaused Canadian Environ.i,/ ._ ,.- coffee; I ..+L . ’ 6 ~entdli+s to be h.e@@t in their acceptance of .i The Brazilliai? . government is’.&6 tqk&g :’ - I?& Powei; tihtit, to d6 With the grounds. . ..an v. estima’tedX)‘reactors could go on line by 1985: pa&in the COFFEE POT seFinars&d&&uit%

- certtin ‘l‘.A. that can redly ,make .lfli ; I An4, what. new microbe did Dr. Mike P. - s-_ the . meter fly... .R&&co@ discov& an-d fhtiti r&t tell any one: 1 Andwho’stheprofesgorweallknowand-~.-’:~~~.~’,:;:“” \ about? Apptirent@&it c& cure the .commori love(?) who does funny, risky thi$gs @h, or bold and- cure various &cial problems and to; an erlenmeyer. ..or is it-florence...~%&sk? I such...all;“ke, has $b wait for npw are the ’ me&n...well, it’sbeen lonely iii the lab since %e&lt$Y from the ~wllage cafeteria food liis frog died...and that wgs tiqsimple-lineete&...&nd just who was .that cute blond jerheac’tionon toady’s part. .+n&h#s this mixing. &ar plates. just. to tje near John . ‘, about illicit drugs and.,ra+???&apwretitly F’fill&+&l+ tall; sexy-lab assistan$..could.it the furry friends, seem $o~,lil@,&‘e took the .” 1 be Dr. Ro&c’o~~Smicrobe? UC~L...IL 3~u3~.3u ilark. Lu,mm qplabv w nt5q.J And wha?? this about a certain single those ro&d up $100 bills ‘in a r&t S;uit....but ‘. zoologist’s plant- spent ogling a specimen of seri&sly, what does Sue acer. rubber? .And what plant biology class - rl, A-l.& ,,A -i&l. ppisqn ivy ana hqa to start rrom :_- _‘2scratch? ;.c; -- . ,. ,’ . . ‘I- Irve heard”a iot from a ieliable kource that .there’s a lot of &eairi heat cptiing frorrrmore

And -Etidnal hidden science

‘L?$y;*&, i.2,

,;. . :C;‘i~~-l-:,~~~~~~~~~. ,)?,“>.. I,li _._. .1.. .I./ , T.7 _ ,-.’ _.- _.. *;.,’ -ix I’,-_ .’’‘_ , =+‘,.’ 1 ’ .-. ,“1 -~ ;<, ’ “,Y,: +_; 1 ” Z* -. I ‘I - ‘. _,. ‘; 34 / -“* _ - . ’ ~ i”” , _ “-,.s;. I s ., .... ., : . ,a .T . * ri-‘, - a_ ., : 7 :

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~. T “1. .I -’i ‘/’ - y. whdt about T.Pi’. RickpicnickqndProf and g c&ain skeleton nar$e‘d Einie; %;’‘%!I r.:‘,:‘,,:a,1’.’ ~’ ‘_:,, bahind a display case. in the batch - ‘,f ,I, 1,,j!$ -1 ii- ‘.:Y_1 : museum? Tsk, tsk, tsk...

,


/“ectrify&g”

says coach

__

7 Bolters Thunder to Victory

Current category,

champion Mike (left) (Above)

Roffarrd has a better idea to clinch the final in the 50,000 volt Ohm Rnn leaves the stadium to the shock of the gathering crowd.

was ideal for the event in which the bolters wore special conducting suits and insulating bdots to maximize their shock intake. The winner is determined by the brightness of . the light bulb on the headpiece. When asked to explain his victory, Mike was very positive, “I alternated bet_ ween a static and a ground play and wore downmy opponent’s resistance. Overall Bolting champ-

Current Champion Mike Roffarrad (left) pulls in winnine u bolt in the final ~~ bout of the 50,000 DC volts and under competition. Mike was later taken to -hospital for a battery of tests before being discharged. Fans were galvanized by the weekend spectacle held in Segram Stadium in which metal”swords” are used to attract lightning bolts from the skies. The miserable weather

ion Ohm Runn exits in triumph from the stat iium before a capacity cr( 3wd. Though only in his second year of competition, veterans feel he is now burned out. Coach A.C. Ample was quite happy with his team’s performance as he talked of a late charge for the title, “We showed a lot of strength on the field today, and I think we have the potential‘to go all the way”. Paul and Dave Cliche

Tragedy scars team, tax, daver lost iri draft A

A

u

The UW Whoriers Beer Drinking team lost their number one player Tuesday night in a freak accident during the regular after game celebration at the Labitts brewery. After a smashing victory over the Queens Univer,sity Sippers at the Dean Martin Invitational Tournament, Jacques Strapp fell into a huge brewing vat of draft lager and drowned.

When asked for a comment, Coach Boozy said only “Ztron Argle bargle bleeble loony bonny”,which we took to mean “No comment”. “Jacques, a French exchange student, had made the switch from light table wines to the heavier Canadian ales quite successfully”, said Coach Boozy, when he had sobered, a few days later.

Fellow team member Oaf Bjovsuonbjobj-Svenson (a defective Russian), when interviewed at the pub, laughed that “Lager was just not Jacques’ sport, to which all his team mates heartily agreed. The Funeral will be held at Segrams Stadium, after which Jacques body will be interred in an oak cask for 5 years to age. Dave Snot-here

$3.00. CHEAP Keep in touch from the Concrete Jungles of Toronto or the Dismal Plains of Sudbury! You can have next ter7m’sweekly issues of Imprint mailed to your new Gsidence next term for a measly $3.00. Keep in touch! Drop by the Imprint off ice (CC140) or mail us the cash once you’ve moved.

,


r

,

ror ~ - money.- .

_ :

Toto Room Drama

Trouble With IjTowels .

We know you’re going to screw if you want. We know Universities are hip-deep in clinics, birth-control centres and women’s groups who justify their existence by publishing reams of info and $60 help the turkeys who-screw up anyway. But who wants to be medically prodded, moralized, or politicized just to prevent tonight’s * happy fun from turning serious when, after all, -it really might not happen anyway? Take the easy route. Use electronically tested, quality condoms-manufactured by Julius Smut. You’re safe - and we make a fantastic profit. It’s so easy to sell ‘ to a captive market . ,-.

Julius Smut.

d

Products you can depend on 98-%of the time - people who make tionei

At ll:OO, the midday towel rush began. Within fifteen minutes, runners; squash players, swimmers, etc...were gathered in’ the toteroom corridor, angrily lambasting the attendants for the unforgivable lack of clean towels.

students from obtaining clean towels, and so get rid of the normal congestion in the corridors, and locker rooms so that the petty spectacle they call the Naismith would look like it was organized and efficient .”

I asked a few of the demonstrators how they felt about this catastrophe.

I tried to ask the toteroom attendants what the problem was, but everyone on this campus speaks bureaucratese. I won’t have to put up with it after next term. I’m going to study sheep in Albania n ror a year. Tam Horn

A student, Stu Ramsey, majoring in Earth Sciences? (Booze, women and rock music), gave his words of the hour: “This is another example of the inefficiency of the toteroom system. , Just last week, I was given the wrong ID card. I didn’t notice until I gave this card to the librarian and she told me I owed $50 in-fines on books I had never heard of. I can’t even read!*

-, -a. . ,

7

BETTE STEPHENSON

Produced

and Directed

by ONTARIO

TAXPAYERS

byBILL DAVIS, BETTE STEPHENSON,.HARRY PARROT Executive Produhy BILL DAVIS Director of ln,sanityJOHNSEWELL, A.S.S.

Written

w

, For more madness, read “Post-secondary ’ Parliamentary tapes available

Spendmg” from OECA

@$=a

by B.S $35,000

and over

NOW P~LAYING FOR 70M .DOLLARS AT A SJ.NIVERSITY NEAR YOU

<

r

-1

_

-

I

,-.

The next complainant I interviewed was a Political Science major. She de& cribed the disaster as a plot mastermindedby the elitist bourgeois staff of the athletic department. “They shut off the power to- the washers to keep the proq7 - !- letariat masseS0f common

Satire

Use of ridicule, irony, sarcasm, etc. in speech or writing for the ostensible purpose of exposing and discouraging vice or folly. Throughout this week’s paper you will find many examples of the high art of Satire. Many of these examoles are o-stensiblv advertiseme.nts and are mea& to make rtioral or ethical comments, rather than downgrade or’ detract from a product or service. Many of the advertisement& in this paper are real and shocild be taken seriously. If you can’t tell the difference, see a doctqr.


Friday,

has flown the CO~OD...

December

12,1980.,.Gat

Va!

19

l

Athlete ‘of the Week

\

Kutcha, - in his. third year on the iJW welder-, weight Sumo Mud Wrestling team, has led the team in scoring with 45 consecutive defaults. His-first match, a TKO, resulted in a charge of willfull intent to damage a. neighbour’s tree. Kutcha’s childhood experiences wrestling bears for food in the steppes of Russia have led to a small problem with Kutcha eating his opponents, but the coach feels this can be overcome. At a diminutive 4’2”, 112 lbs, 14 ounces and a bit, Kutcha is a small but powerful1 fighter.

’ -

.’

Kutcha attributes his great strength to. the 1500 lbs of dried cuttlefish he joyfully ingests daily. Japanese sporksman Honda Toyota stated that this represents 25% of the total fish export, and have named two trawlers after him. Currently working as a part time ice breaker while working ‘on his doctorate in hormone biochemestry, Kutcha rep,resents the first colaboration between HKLS and Biol,ogy. , Kutcha competes this weekend in Windsor, against the Windsor team. Putrid. Paul/Dingy Dave

GRADUATES

We have acquired a newJM$ght

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At Honeywell the future offers great possibil&s,.After fifty years in Canada as a world . leader in hightechnology, we are established in energy management, information systems, industrial process control systems, security systems, building environmental , management, and defense systems. These are the growth businesses of the future. Continued expansion across Canada is creating a need for Professional Engineers 1I in a,‘.number of areas: \ ’ I. ,,

Chemical Electrical ’ System Design

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W@will be on campus on

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January 12& _22,1987. ’ .

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*&gn. up for an interviewI at your Placement Office, University Relatiok \ - . Honeywell Limited -: 740 Ellesmere Road: Scarborough, Qntari6 \ % Ml’p’ 2V9- :., ,

‘or contact, us directly. . : >, I / . : -I

‘Graduating This Year?

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There,is still time to phone our studio fori an apmintment. .. _’ - Graduattiattire supplied’\

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259 King St. West Kitciyener (Beside

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The *folks.at Apple II wish.you all a Hap&I .HOlidaySeason

Eaton’s. Travel. _ , -wants to wkh all of you

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We will close on December 24 and reopen on January 5. I

Hours:. Mon.-Fri. - 9:30&30. .The

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The Canadian chalkiute:

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~“Th~Fun Way - . to Fithess” a9 \ * e * f , of %. the 80’s ’ *G!-

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If you’re a student, we have sped ,P$embership Rates available for you! AA+. ~

ENERGY TEAM Geologists. Geophysicists. Engineers. Computer Scientists. PanCanadian Petroleum Limited, one of the largest Canadian controlled exploration and production companies, is playing a major part in developing. oil, gas, coal and uranium. PanCanadian is a growing, dynamic company that needs young, dynamic and ambitious individuals seeking an opportunity to expand. Share your expertise in a stimulating environment where both personal and corporate goals can be achieved under a concerned management. ‘Come . . . join ’ the PanCanadian Energy Team . . . a career with PanCanadian is a career in energy; a career with a rewarding future.

CONTACT THE PLACEMENT OFF ’ FOd INTERVlliW INFORMATION


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