Page 1

University of Waterloo crest enters a new era of validity ’ The university Senate has just accepted a new University of Waterloo crest. The crest displays an endearing likeness to the Wild Boar statue located in the Modern Languages building. The boar supplants the more traditional three lions raMpant, gules (red), that adorned the previ, ous crest. The chevron sable (black) yemains but is hidden behind the boar. “We were a little embarrassed by the chevron” said Senate Vice-chairman Tom Brzuwiskii. “The red colouring on the crest also proved to be an area of disagreement, so we settled on pink l”nstead.” a But why the boar ? “Well we were considering silhouette of the Red Worm sculpture”, Brzzunkthe senate chambers were awaski said, “until blown up by a few bright, but irate, young students. “Outside of a graphic of Laurel creek with a three inch layer of scum riding its s&face, we couldn’t come up with any other identifying. UW symbols. Somebody suggested a Groat Cluster,but that idea was shot down immediately. “Anyways, it is rumoured that the last word-that disenfranchised President Burnt MathNEWS said before he died (see story inside) was ‘ROSE-BOAR’. Nobody in senate really knew what it meant, but we figured that it must have been of some significance to him. Who knows? It might be the hey needed to the understanding of the man.”

THURSDAY,

MARCH

29, 1979

The Undeath: Fatalities due to lack of safety-control on pop-can lids skyrocketed last year, with over 300% more accidental deaths resulting from lacerations received while trying to open a new-fangled soda-pop container. Patents Canada reports that new pop-can lids are invented at a rate of about OX= a week. Most inflict wounds that are fatal if surgery is not immediately available. Fiat Lux: Iri a move to save even ,more energy, UW’s Physical Resources Group will remove all the 1igIit bulbs across campus. “Removing half of them was so successful that we decided to go al! the way,” explained UW Secretariat, Jack Brownshirt. Blatant Filler: Groat clusters contain 398% more protein than the avei-age banana skin. Largely Unavailable: Statistics Canada reports that enrolment at several major Ontario universities fluctuates erratically. The study, which included this campus, revealed that, in the summer, enrQlment is “significantly reduced in size and scope and matriculBtiona1 happenstance”. In September, students return to the “institutions of higher learning, esp. post-secondary in nature” like lemmings to the cliffs. The period of “increased attendance potential” levels off untiJ April, “the fourth month -of the year, as in ‘April shdwers’.“The cycle thus begins anew. This ground-breaking informational diatribe will be made widely-available in “a little while, perhaps.” The cost of the investigation work of the Royal Commission on Uptrending Bar Graphs on B.1.U.s is $453,098 - quite a bargain when you consider the implications of these findings! More protein: Elephants are ggood source of groat cluSter’s, reports Dr. Jumbo Elephantiasis of Biology. He’s behind the “Elephants are Fun!” campaign that’s been organized to celebrate “Elephant Week”. “GrQat clusters are just jam-packed with protein, and there’s no better place to get

Peanuts

Fine Arts professor, Virgil Burnout, declared Senate’s decision to be “All Right!” “The boar is a helicon to all those who gloat on it”, he said. “It is neither elephantine nor graceful; it therefore becomes a marriage of the hinds.” Burnout wasunavailable for further comment as he was in a hurry to attend a display of Toenail Sculpture in Oshawa. The old university motto, which accompanied the crest, consisted of the Latin inscription, Concordia Cum Veritate: In Harmony with Truth. The Senate felt that it was “high time” for the university to live up to the motto, and, therefore, propptly got rid of it. The meaning of the new inscription was not explained but Glossette editor Red Crimson believes it can be translated: University is a Bit Screwed, but he wasn’t sure. Senate was concerned that the engineers might run off with the crest, Brezwicki reported. But outgoing EngSoc president Blazer Cutthroat claimed there would be little chance of it happening: “After you’ve moved the Math and Computer building and placed it on top of the Central Ser-vices building, stealing a crest would be an anticlimax.” The new crest will be available next month on leather jackets, but Campus Centre Shop sales woman Rose Pawthorn isn’t ordering many. “Would you want to walk around campus with a pig on your jacket?“, Pawthorn was heard to say.

or raisins

them.from than an elephant,” he explained about 35% brass sulphate,,\and is- easily acenthusiastically in-a Glossette telephone incessible by closed-pit mining, provided worke wear scuba suits. terview . “Bright young students all over campus are discovering this fact daily, and Min asr also announced that bright young they are reaping the benefits by the score.” Chem Eng students have discovered a Elephantiasis also bemoaned the fact that lunar-energy powered extraction process for groat-cluster flavoured yoghurt is not availseparating brass sulphate into brass and sulable from Food Services. phate. The process should guarantee UW 00~s: Our erratum in last week’s Scribbler domination in the Canadian brass and sulcontained a ‘mistake that compounded phate market within a few years. -.: the faulty correction to the error of the week Help: I am being held prisoner inside a before. There are in fact nbt 69322 but 69328 CompuGraphics Junior typesettei: in _the holes in the ceiling of the Glosette editor’sGlossette newspaper office on the third floor office. _ of Needless Hall. If you find this message, Fun in Academia: Jack Fratt, an anplease send help. Who won the Great War? thropology professor noted for his work inAvoidance Therapy: r;! W Vice President volving atrocities to-small animals, has turned Pedantic Tom Brstrokeski has left the his prodigous attention to experimentation Twin-Cities Golden-Triangle area for what for the sheer heck of it. The research basically * his office has called “an extended profesinvolves doing original things to anim’als and sional development sabbatical”. seeirig what happens. Fratt’s assistant Red The Sunflight holiday cruise is apparently Pursor has found the results so intriguing that Brstrstrski’s response to a CKMS-FM poll he’s doing his thesis on it. aired last night which revealed that only Times Higher Education: Produces the 3.14% of the student community could spell most colossally boring compilation of usehis name the same way more than once. less facts ever documented. Like this one. Brstrilobiteski had apparent!y suffered The research hasn’t been without incisome strain since the trail of mysterious dent. “We’ve had some problems with the events circulating around the late, but eterorangutan,” laughed assistant Pursor. “She. nally prompt ex-UW President Burnt Mathkeeps’ fighting her way out of the lab.” NEWS. An orangutan has been filling in for the Whitewash: Mikita Levi-Strauss of VP. Psychology reports that he has discovered a Roots: Glossette editor Red Crimson had correlation between brain damage and wearhis wisdom teeth removed last Tuesday. He ing painter pants. He cites his teenaged commented that he felt “older,.lbut not much brother as an example. Brass: The department of Chemical Enwiser”. We all thought that was real funny gineering is pleased to announce its acquisiand had a good laugh over Red’s clever witticism. Red is a real great guy, and he sure is tion of Columbia Lake. Once thought to be worthless, Chemical a good source of mtiterial for these Scribbler items when we’re really bankrupt for good Engineering professor Rocky Minor rehard news that isn’t embarrassing to.the unicently discovered large quantities of brassatite 200 to 600 metres below the lake’s botversity . tom. Brassatite was also once thought to be ?: That there are more botDid You Know worthless. _ tles of soda-pop in the world than women? A According to Minor, the ore contains recently completed &year study by bright,

VOLUME

19 NUMBER

28

not-so-young Disintegrated Studies student, Angst von Bored publicizes t.hese findings. Von Bored, whose research landed him top marks inshis graduating class, has won a job related to his studies. He is-ow stacking crates of Diet Pepsi for a Kitchener bottling plant. . Dragon has Eaten Sun: Believe 4t or not! I just saw it happen. Honest! If you don’t believe it, go outside-and take a look for yourself. It was a really big one with dark green scales and a pink underbelly, just like the one -thatate all the snow that was lying around a few weeks ago. Homemade Liquor: The Engineering Society’s first Annual Home Moonshine Contest was a success, reports organizer Timothy Leary. The entire faculty was blasted out of their minds to the point that their Ridgid Tools became quite flaccid. Animal, Mineral or Plant: People Against Paying for Anything (PAPA) reminds students, staff and faculty to boycott everything currently available anywhere. Spokesman Ima N. Auld Raddikal, says this includes oxygen, water and groat clusters. Peace at Hand: Administration officials are happy to report that a peace treaty resolving conflicts of interest between ‘students living on the east side of Laurel Creek and students living on‘the west side has been signed. Students on the east side have to relinquish The Tuck Shoppe, The Pinball Games room, and parts of the cafeteria, however, the west side says they can keep the food. In.turn, the west side gave up two girls’ floors, a partridge in a pear tree, and the West Bank of Laurel Creek. Representatives from the warring factions are going to instittite the peace plans over a ten minute period during the summer months when the Village is closed. ;


Third and-a-bit UW Pedantic V-P Tom Brstrotsky released a major revision of his “Third Deat a Senate cade’ ’ report Atomic explosion set for March 29 meeting Monday, mere minutes before the original was From Food Services: The experimental test of trying to cook to have’received its final rub11,000 budgies using a plutonium powered microwave oven berstamp. . will be performed at 11 am. Professors say that all students The 798 page revision conshould wear at least sunglasses to prevent, blindness. tains 1,164 recommendations and is titled “The University Student animal collection on display of Waterloo: The ThirdI and-a--Bit Decade. ” From Information Services: CBS’s 60 Minutes film crew has It boldly proposes that the decided to film a day in the life of an average student living in should Village II.~Residents of all campus housing are asked to be on goal of the university be ‘the pursuit of bureaucratheir best behaviour and refrain from eating any of them. tic expediency ,” but cautioning that this goal must be folCar Rally to-be held today . lowed “Only between the _hours of 8:30 to 4:30, MonFrom Niki Lauda: Labatts has rented the entire campus day to Friday. ” today. They have planned to hold the first annual Waterloo Secondary, but still imporGrand Prix Race. Subsequently, all students are urged to look tant goals include “teaching both ways before they attempt to cross the ring road. Labatts courses,” “doing nice reestimates that cars will be going atlspeeds over 190 mph. They search,” ‘ ‘maximizing exalso anticipate Active Towing’vehicles,to be circling the campense account allocation,” pus at even faster ._ speeds. and “accumulating BIU’s,.” 563 Recommendation Mass riots beside CKMS warns that “in public statel

From Dept. of Vandalistic and Energetic Activities: Irate students who have left their cars for more than 17 seconds, and discovered their cars have been dragged to some unknown part of the planet are planning to steal their cars back regardless of the law. Please remember to hold the noise down. CKMS isn’t soundproof.

Forest

fire demonstration

From Physical Resources: ManEnv students will pretend the campus is a giant forest fire. They are then going to imaginarily burn to death in the conflagration. .F-

Education

for the poor

From Financial Services: Director Buck Hungrey says that UW is willing to allow poor students to pay their tuition in cereal box tops. He estimates 7 billion box tops will purchase a B.Sc., and about 6 billion bbx tops will buy any other degree. In addition all grads using this payment plan will receive their diploma printed on a plastic disc similar to a frisbee. u

Elephant

Week

lumbers

ahead

From the Administration Reichstag Group: As part of the festivities planned for Elephant Week, the ARG is holding a press conference next Tuesday in South Campus Hall. Members of the UW community are advised not to bring their cars to campus in order to make room for visitors and elephants. To mark the event, Food Services will serve simulated groat-clusters all week, and Central Stores will hold a White , Elephant sale.

UW’s policy is, in a nutshell, nepotis6Employees who feel qualified are encouraged to apply, if plssing in the wind is their idea of a good time. Though positions are theoretically available as of last Friday, you and I know that by the time you read this that slimy, little sycophant down the hall will have snapped it up.

,

[Grade Balls of Fire) Cutbacks Analyst - AdministrationDuties include- determination of unnecessary and/or superfluous jobs on campus. Like this one. Must be proficient with all methods of analysis, including darts, ouija boards and the staircase algorithm for Gaussian distribution. Missionary - Get it? Oh, ha, ha! _ Services. (Grade 6 or equiNewspaper Editor - Information valent} Surprise termination of the present editor’s contract‘ this week will necessitate - what? excuse me. . . .

University Waterloo,

telephone

of Waterloo Ontario, Canada

(519) 885-1660 N2L 3Gl

Published Thursdays by Propaganda Services (J.D. Goebbels, director, phone ext. 2589) Editor Red Crimson Production fuhrer Indira Kowplowkapotchnik Reporter Alexander Graham Morns Office Irate G. Needless Hall room 666 Telephone ext. 2331 (editor ext. 2332) ISSN 0706-7380

.

..

The Glossette endemours to provtde unoffensive and deliberately Inadequate coverage of matters of potential embarrassment to the universtty adminrstration. Views expressed or Implied do not necessarily reflect official umversity policy (snicker). Advertising, except for Declassified personal ads, is not accepted, but if you liberally grease our palms, we WIII do a nice, fat feature on your pet project. Letters will be edited according to our general amusement and discretion. People who dropped by the office last week for a game of darts with the editor Include the following: Oscar Nierstrasz, Randy Barkman, John Heimbecker, Leonard Darwen, Art Owen,.Steve Hull, Mark McGuire, Peter Gates, Bernre Roehl, Nick Redding, Steve Coates, John W. Bast, Vince Catalfo, George Sotiroff, Neil Campbell and lan!Allen. Editorial material may be reprinted;cash or credit IS accepted.

II

/

I

Bright

young

student

Decade report is revealed

merits and press releases, the university must disavow the magnification of the important, the emphasis of the significant; if this occurs at the expense of the confusion and mystification of the student body.‘,’ “Oodles of fine “verbose, print” and lengthy, repetitive, wordy, -

Administrative UW’s VP Pedantic Tom Brstreichski’s ex-secretary Eva Brown is excited that the Glossette decided to cover her contribution to the Third-and-a-Bit Decade Report. I’ve never been interviewed by a newspaper before,” she explained on the phone. “I thought they covered important stuff.” Brown wasn’t when she heard

cites

overjoyed the vicious

foodlessness

Why hasn’t anybody done anything? By the time this letter is printed it will be too late. I will have succeeded in uncovering and bringing to its knees the most nefarious state-organized attack on the minds of our youth this country has ever witnessed. Have you ever wondered why there are no decent, inexpensive restaurants in the UW area? Why there are no wellstocked, convenient food-stores within walking distance of campus? Why Food Services insists -on maintaining its monopoly, yet steadfastly refuses to carry health-foods, like groat-clusters? . That’s right, buddy, you guessed it! Food Services is actually an R.C.M.P. plot to poison the already malnourished mind and body of the student whose true function is revolution: the overthrow of junk-culture! By carrying food no more nutritious than lardburgers and stale Yorkshire pudding, Food Services is attempting, and succeeding to undermine student alertness. But it is not too late to be saved. I first noticed the symptams when partaking in the Carnal act of hickeying. I correctly analysed the sudden rush of excitement I experienced as a result of the first taste of real nourishment I had been exposed to since I had arrived at university. t

Average

reader

drawn-out and repetitive just as little, and it was alphrases” can help in this, a most as long.” note to the recommendation Glossette editor Red adds. Crimson “categorically deSome senators attacked nied” the vicious rumours the release of the revision at that the revisions had been the meeting, without notice. forced by a cutting evalua“Why the changes?” said tion of the report at a previone unidentified faculty ous ,Denate meeting, by member. “The original said ‘chancellor Josef A. Krates.

compliments

our *work

aide criticizes

rumours that “Tommy” was going to revise the report, following an alleged (but totally fabricated -ed.) scathing attack by chancellor Josef. A. Krates. “My fingers w&-e so sore from typing the original,” she said. And the revision is almost 30 pages longer. Brown said that “typing ’ Tommy’s drafts can be tiring” because he “never dots his i’s, and besides his l’s and r’s look exactly alike.”

VP

She said that a lot of his work consists of catchphrases, and once she recognizes the context, she hardly ever has to look at the draft. “Maybe that’s why they call him Vice-President Pedantic,” she joked. Brstgroat-cluster wasn’t nearly as amused by that remark as this reporter. After we read this article to him over the phone, for final approval, he fired Brown on the spot.

The only way to protect yourself from this deadly chemical war is to stop eating. Drink only rainwater or pure grain alcohol, and on no account eat anything that comes from a junk-food machine ! By the publication date of today’s Glossette, I will have succeeded both in exposing this horrible plot and in destructing the,mechanism which permits its continuation! In short, I will have detonated a small-scale nuclear warhead which will destroy the sensitive’ core-machinery and pollute the surrounding area with radioactive wastes, thus rendering the high-security Food Services plant utterly useless and impotent. Eat the Rich! -\ L- , No-Name

Pathetically

cynical

comments

This is the last issue of Glossette last day on campus.

galore

for the term, and this is my

9

As I arose from my cubicle in the village,,and fell down concrete stairs into the dining Hall, I wondered whether my Bachelor of Shoe Science would get me a job. More importantly, as I bit into my peanut butter and candy floss pancakes for breakfast, I ponderedthe past7 yearsin school. Just about the same time the food hit my gullet the answer popped into my head. Not a fuck of a lot happened since my

arriva1 h?e in T**

NOW I m facing the prospect of going out and finding a job and supporting myself. I Just a short letter to keep you boys in line. Hey! Hey! But I don’t have any skills. Seriously, you guys are doing a mighty fine job. Y\ou are Check that remark. The village taught me how to consume serving a great function. I want to stress that the paper should what would be considered to be lethal doses of alcohol, and remain editorially independant. Liked your feature on my wife’s favourite recipes and the how to put anything that even smells like food into my mouth. article on how much it’s going to cost to change the locks in In apt. buildings you can’t cruise the hallways upstairs for chicks. I have never had use charm before to get lucky. Now Needless Hall after that carpenter lost his keys. at the ripe old age of 27 I’m going to have to develop these Am looking forward to your article graphing charitable skills. Some degree. contributions by the-members of the Board of Governors. All you undergrads, buy that book :alled’How To Pickup By the way, did any of you-see an orangutan lurking about Girls. I find the University Student line holds about as much the water fountain by the Graduate Office? Jack

UW

Eloquent

literacy

spokesman

BrownShirt

Water

24

a Sieve.

Burnt MathNEWS Jr. Graduated because of Relatives in High Places I

Se&etariat

writes

in

As a progressive and dynamic thinker, I feel I must add my voice to the swelling ranks of those who have jumped on the bandwagon to condemn, vehemently, the rampant illiteracy of the undergraduate population, partic.ularly the proclivity to string along a series of rambling, unconnected thoughts into sentences so unbelievably long and fraught with abstruse verbiage that it’s a pain to read them, especially as by the time you arrive at the end the meaning has been entirely lost in the length and obscurity of the verbosity 7 not to mention the pitiful grammatical construction, and call it a sentence. This is hardly surprising. The quintessence of errant pedagogic pedantry, for example the English Illiteracy Exam, seems to be to reduce the simplest proposition to pure sesquipedalean drivel, which, as I would have it, is the mark of an educated man inculcated indelibly on his brain. As, for the undergrads, the lot of them have to learn there is nothing mystifying about writing a decent term paper. Given a proper thesis, the matter is simplicity itself: the meaning of the thesis arises from the formulation of sentences depending partly on the factual basis of the thesis and partly on the contribution, both to the construction and explanatory purpose of the essay, that is made by the propositions which it expresses. And another thing-they put too damn much sugar in everything these days. Ken Bedwetter \ P.S. I just saw an orangutan.

Academic excellence discussed in letter My esteemed colleague, Professor J.R. Worthwood,, I feel, is inaccurate when he says that academic excellence is on the decline in Western society. To quote Goldfarb: “Academic excellence is not on the decline in Western society.” Therefore, I can only conclude, Mr. know-it-all Worthwood, that you either have not read Goldfarb or are inequipped with supporting evidence, such as I have given, and are providing merely yourself as proof that academic excellence is waning. Goldfarb did not mention anything similar to: “Academic excellence might be on the decline” or “. . . is on the decline” so just where do you get off anyways? Just because you have tenure and are paid more than me yes much more, Worthwood as you know - and your wife and car are in less need of repair than mine, does not mean h, t t d you are SMARTER than ME! WHAT ABOUT GOLDFARB!!!?!!! Professor T. Tedlum English

Irate

broom-man

voices

concern

at quote

1 hear that some jerk professor at UW has been quoting me in your letters’ section. Stop it jerk! Charlie Goldfarb / WC1 Custodian

/

.


\

Some co-op students . get really weird jobs, expos6 exposes Co-op students get some mighty unusual jobs for their work-terms, the Glosset,te discovered in a lame attempt to scrounge up enough copy for today’s paper. Some of the most exciting and unexpected assignments are in the new co-op Arts programs that are springing up. The Dean of Arts, Eff Minus, explained, “We like to find challenging jobs foi Our co-opers.“ This term a team of foul co-op bright, young Political Science students were sent to a banana republic to incite “I’m v$ry ima revolution. pressed with their work,” said Minus. “In four months they engineered a communist revolution, followed it with a facist military takeover and finally pulled off a con\pirator-ial coup, leaving the country with government by non-participatory democr;1c y . “They had four purges, two mock trials for wai crimes and no less than ele\‘en shuftles. They \et up*and destroyeci two sets of concentration camps and they completely devastated the agricuLturaI economic balance. The U.N. is delighted - they’ve already sent three aid groups to the now demoralized country.” On a iehh inspired scale, Religious Studies students are be.ing sent to San Franiisco. Beverly hills and Peterborough to generate

new cults. “We had one unfortunate mishap with student who went a little overboai-d in Jonestown, but we’ve managed to cover up any connection between the _occurence and UW’s co-op programme. ” English students have found work inventing new trend words and writing inane television c’ommercials; Kin students have been constructing family tree?, and Film students will find themselves mass-producing black-market home-movies and porno-tlicks.

Blatant filler II blatant -filler Blatant filler. Blatant filler blatant . Filler blatant filler blatant. Filler blatant filler blatant filler blatant filler blatant filler blatant filler. Blatant filler blatant filler. Blatant tiiping erorr filler. Blatant filler - blatant - filler. Blatant filler blatant: filler, blatant. Filler blatant, filler blatant filler. Blatant filler, “Blatant filler, blatnat !” Filler blatant filler: blatant tiller. 51

President casually dismisses self for : ‘carelessly losing NH keys in washroom Key control is of great concern to the University, and Monday it was of even greater concern to UW president Burnt MathNEWS. The president. said he was fired last Monday for @sing his set of master keys. MathNEWS says he lost his keys in a Needless Hall washroom Friday, March 23. He left them on a Kotex dispenser, and forgot to pick them up when he left. He noticed they were missing about a half hour later,

and went back to look. The keys were gone. He then reported the loss to key control and security. l

The next Monday, MathNEWS says, he was fired by building’s inspector Ross Reckless after receiving a ta#k on the importance of key security. Asked whether any other UW president had been fired for losing his keys in the past several years Reckless- said “I think there has been,” but

said he couldn’t remember the specific case. Reckless said MathNEWS was fired to “teach him a lesson not to lose his keys again*” UW president -Burnt MathNEWS ratified his “termination” despite re-

“no reason” to comment on “individual cases”. He said he was a “casual” president, and could have had his employment terminated at any time. The Glossette spoke to MathNEWS Monday before he died from listening

;o t.apes

quests for I-einstatement of hisold speeches. Hisonly from

Glossette

office

staff.

MathNEWS refused ;o confirm that the IOSS of his keys was the reason for his dismissal, saying that he had

Customized computer software entire university administration

further comment was that he had seen an Orangutan swing past his tiny inaccessible office window the Friday he lost his keys.

will replace next year I

A few weeks ago we revealed the UW announced UW Chancellor J.F. Krates. The function of UW President will be Computer Centre’s plans to replace the The various departments would be fined by a computerized IBM Selectric aging IBM 360/370. Apparently this is replaced by new Waterloo Administratypewriter. The Selectric, scheduled to tive Response Terminals (WARTS), just the tip of the iceberg, accordiilg to a be installed in the President’s office which would be operable only between I sometime next week. has been progpress release from Propaganda Services, which discloses a scheme to 9 a.m. and 4 p.m. (minus lunch and coframmed to replace the late, recently phase out UW Administration and refee breaks), Monday to Friday, after dismissed UW President, Burnt Mathplaceit with a single desk-sized IBM which they would power-off. NEWS. 4341. Brschenectady praised the new sysBrslalomski excitedly described the In an exclusive Glossette telephone tern, using a series of examples neither new typewriter. “It has a built-in meminterview, UW Vice President Pendanhe nor this reporter understood. One he ory, automatic erasure-tape, keys with proud of was a softtic Tom Brsmithski explained that the was particularly French accents, changeable typeballs, ’ ware system feature which would dismove was a part of UW’s Cutbacks and all sorts of neat>stuff.” program. “If the plan succeGds, we’ll be able processes on a most Frequently . The Selectric will also be responsible able to reduce administratic;n’ costs to a Used (FU) basis when the system was for rubber-stamping Administrative busy. This is also known as Virtual fraction of irs current budgetary documents and appearing at AdminisManagement, or VM. needs.” trative Council Meetings. UN will also be purchasing specially designed IBM software to simulate admin;strative functions. The system, to be installed on the 434 1 is called BURT

9000.

Although no one is willing to assume responsibility for the original idea, a secret feasibility study has been underway for about a year. At first, senior computer scientists were dubious about the proposal be-‘ cause of the welI-known fact that artificial intelligence is impossible in any form of computer simulation. When it was realized that-there was no intelligence to synthesize, however, interest in the project skyrocketed. “Most of the administrative functions are presently_computerized, so it’s simply a matter of developing a supervisory program to tie it all together,” gloated Brstarchski. The study, called the ‘Computerized Replacement of Administration Program (CRAP), will be completed this summer. “Installation and bugging will be supervised by J.F. KFates Consulting,”

New electric Selectric prez outlines next vear’s wiorities \

I

Bud O’Sap of UW Propaganda Services conducted an exclusive telephone interview with the new UW President an IBM Selectric typewriter that will take office next week. What follows is a transcript of the interview. O’SAP: It think it would be appropriate to begin this interview by offer’ing you the best wishes from the UW campus, and to congratulate your recent appointment to UW Presidency. IBM SELECTRIC: Clkclkcklicketyclick. O’SAP: Begging your grace’s permission, but what do you perceive as the legacy of MathNEWS’s reign? ,’ IBM: Clikclkdingwhizzclikclk. O’SAP: I beseech, 0 Lord, do budgetary matters great and small concern

n

thee in thy greatness‘? IBM: Clickclkclkclkclickkkkkkding. O’SAP: Lief and leige, s’blood, merciful and most wrathful one, call we unto you! Will concert with the Federation Council improve Dr will it not‘? IBM: Dingdingdingwhizzclickclk. O’SAP: Emperor of all the lands within the Road of the Ring; will the new temples of learning be built, or shall the butterfly of truth escape us yet? For lo! The breath of a thought is swift, but still is o’ertaken by,the sloth of men. IBM: Ding. O’SAP: Thank you oh >so very- very much, God of Light & Light & Wisdom, for deigning to respond to my unworthy self in this hour of oh ! so great need. IBM: Click.

Glossette celebrates tenth anniversary with pension plan and 11 Kllionth comma Zany Engineers pull clever practical joke The Engineering students surprised the UW campus yesterday morning when it was discovered that the Math and Computer building was not resting on its usual site. After several hours of intensive searching, Campus Security officers located the building perched on top pf the Central Stores smokestack. **It’s all in-the spirit of good, clean university fun, so no charges will be laid against any of the bright, young, Engineering students responsible,” reported Les Cunning of Campus Security in a Glossette telephone interview. “This picking-up-and-hiding-large-objects habit of theirs is going a little too far, though,” he continued, “so we’re giving them-a stern reprimand and an empty warning.” Bill Fjords, Dean of Mathematics complained about the disruption and about the risk to the valuable I’BM 360/75 worth at least $63.12 on a resale basis.

The Glossette celebrated our tenth aniversary 3 days ago. We started publishing as a.newspaper March 26, 1969. Since then, we have published 400 issues: 3.000 pages; 43,903,328 words: 45,662,078 letters and I I ,003,260 commas, or counting this sentence, I 1,003, 268 commas. Hopefully, our secretary didn’t miscount. (Make that 11,003,27l). We were called Admininews in 1969 and a few days before we published, pranksters at the student newspaper, the Chevrite, came out with a brilliant _fraud called the Gazette which most readers thought was the genuine article. History repeats itself! Yesterday, ten years later, rascals from the student newspaper, Misprint, came out with another brilliant- parody of the Glossette. still called the Gazette, (a little unoriginal), and most readers thought it was the original article too. We’ve changed a lot over the years.

Our first editor, Bob Written, -though still writing for the Glossette, is working from a different office. Our current editor, Red Crimson, has edited the paper for 6 years but the terms of his pension plan have changed. We’ve covered all the news. Our investigative reporting, aided with key use of the telephone, has uncovered an exploded ventilation fan, and changeovers for the position of Arts dean. We’ve had photos on everything from ducks at Laurel creek to couples walking hand-in-hand over Laurel creek bridges. The Glossette used to show a lot more pictures of pretty girls. but we still try to cater to the superior male sex by sneaking in some gorgeous gals and by weeding out pits of dogs (Yeech): We started publishing as a newspape! in 1969 to present the administration’s point of view at a time when the Chevrite was controlled by radicals uncon-

cerned with the best interests of the administration. Now that the campus student newspape I-, Misprint, is -firmly in the administration’s hands, the Glossette is comtemplating dis.banding. Outside of the weekly visit from UW secretariat, Jack Brownshirt, with his butane lighter, the Glocsette is editorially independent from the administration. One time we did have to recall an entire issue when we ran a story on soggy subs sold at Food Service outlets, but we learned our lesson and there have been no problems since. ( But, boy! our wrists were sure sore for a week!) The policy statement for the Glossette states: “Its main concern i\ the p’romotion oft he welfare of the U niver-’ sity.” Have we done that’? Well. the administration i\n’t complaining. Alfred Lungs got cut: we didn’t.

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PWz acts decisively* In a shocking move, Burnt MathNEWS, former UW President, passed away early Tuesday morning. The tragic act of death should not have been a surprise since MathNEWS gave notice of his intent to die at last week’s Administration Council Meeting & Polka Party held at Irate Needless Hall. Council deity Ayatullah Diefenbaker laughed off the -procedural faux pas by explaining that there were several other pressing items on the agenda. “There were several other pressing items on the agenda, but since I am merely a fictional character invented solely to make light of the UW Administration, I can think of none. This-illustrates my ineptitude in a most scandalous fashion, think I. Ha ha, did I ever pull a boner. Ha ha ha,” commented Diefenbaker in a telephone interview with the Glossette. The Submission of Preregistered Expiration has allegedly been misfiled at the Department of Coordination and Replacement, having been mistaken for one of thousands of job resumes in the building. Thus MathNEWS is, and shall, forevermore remain unavailable for comment. Fiscal and Financial Fuhrer Bruce Golightly said in a Glossette telephone interview that MathNEWS’ body was found in his office Tuesday morning. “He had been fired the day before for ,losing his keys,; and he had been ordered to clean out his office. We found his Dictaphone still running in the morning, repeating MathNEWS last word: ‘ROSEBOAR’.” The tape on the Dictaphone proved to be a recording of all of MathNEWS recent speeches,. transcripts of which were found near the brand-new shredder. “It would appear that ‘Burnt literally bored himself to death,” postulated Golightly. “it was probably all for the best. As part of the.cutbacks scheme to phase out Ad*ministration, MathNEWS was slated to be replaced by an computerized IBM Selectric typewriter. “He hasn’t been himself since PRG cancelled that order for magnetic paperclips he was so keen on getting.” Golightly then cast his eyes to the floor. While crying, Golightly burst into tears and wept, sobbing, “We probably won’t see his like for a dog’s age. I’ll always hold dear to my heart the day he made it to work during the Blizzard of ‘78. I knew that he felt vindictive, having ig. nored all of them and kept the campus open during the storm. “I don’t think I’ll ever _ forget the triumphant look on his weatherbeaten face as he gathered himself to his full ’ height, arched his hoar-frost encrusted brow, and looking me straight in the eye; said, “Hi, Bruce. Cold enough for ya’?“

Golightly

proposes

a, brilliant,

new budget

missal of employees before the end of Increased efficiency is the key to the fiscal year. naintaining UW’s standards in the Golightly explained that due to new Face of declining government funding regulations concerning key security, Bf universities, according-to Financial and Fiscal fuhrer’ Bruce &lightly at L. this amount will soon become very significant. , the Bored of Governing meeting last week. Glossette editor Red Crimson noted Golightly was explaining the propthat since being married is more costly Ised UW budget for 1979-80, which than being single, married students shows a decrease in government fundng of 7 per cent. “It is obvious that the efficiency of Jperations at UW must be increased,” re opined. Defining efficiency as “the ratio of -evenue generated to work perGolightly concluded “the formed,” price of services provided by UW must increase to offset the decline in government grants .” This rationale led the budget committee to propose price increases of 25 per cent at food services outlets, rent increases of 55 per cent at the Students Married/Living-in-Sin . Apartments and tuition fee increases ., of 25 per cent. President Burnt Mat hNE W S added “faculty and staff morale will benefit greatly from the scheme, since the price increases mean they will become more productive from the university’s point of view, and their own salary Cutbacks will assume an inincreases will show their own efficiency to have increased.” creasingly important role at UW in the year to come. One bright young student ques-’ tioned whether students are willing or In order to accomodate cutable to, pay the increased costs of atbacks more easily, the UW Adtending UW. ministration Reichstag Group will be producing “Cutback Here” Golightly explained that students posters, illustqated in the accomshould not object to an increase in the panying diagram.qhe posters will cost of their education, “since their be made available to the UW education becomes proportionally community at large. Unnecessary more valuable. ” Bored member Idi Eichman, a corand low-priority positions and porate Ubermensch and financier, \ functions can be indicated by gluadded “ze students can borrow more iW the Posters to doors leading to /cutback candidates. vrom ze banks, like mine which I Other schemes to cut corners moved vrom ze mother-land rehave been proposed by Financial zently.“‘ and Fiscal Fuhrer, Bruce Al Bania, a representative of the Married/Living-i@in Students TenGolightly. Starting next month the univerants Association, said recent studies sity will begin renting out cemetby PCWC (People’s Canada Weekly ary plots on its North Campus, Chevron) show that student rent of the next to the area where garden money is “lining the pockets plots will be leased. rich corporate Ubermenschen of Offices of cutback victims will Canada.” He claimed that tenants could not be rented out to students who can’t find adequate housing. .afford the increases because they have Finally, in a masterful move families to support. reminiscent of the experimental President MathNEWS responded sixties, small fourth year courses that all of the married students living from various faculties will be on his street seem quite well-off. taught together in large classA revenue item which appears for rooms in order to eliminate the the firsttime in the budget is “‘Termineed for large numbers of instrucnation of Employees,” which is the tors. estimated amount ofthe salary budget F which will not be needed due to dis-

must have the higher incomes, thus more able to pay increased There was no debate on creased prices at food services after Bill Ducks, director of ministration Reichstag Group, zttudLhfts ::Everyone .

and are rents. the inoutlets, the Adpointed

has to eat9 even

4 Another insipid headline

IHatchets official

0

The issue of cutbacks became- a’ federa1 one at an on-campus luncheon sponsored by the Pervasive Derivatives last Tuesday, March 27. PC 1leader and prime ministerial hopeful Joe Clerk unveiled plans for the “s.ubsidization, emancipation and general making-better-ness of our institutions of higher learning.” The well-known and oft-confused politician was speaking at a public meeting and luncheon in the elegant “Chateau au Sud de Campus” restaurant and patisserie at UW. Clerk’s speech was preceded by some commotion when, before Clerk’s arrival, an orangutan jumped onto the lectum and began shrieking and hurling chunks of excrement at the attentive diners. Confusion was compounded when Clerk finally showed up, and the audience realized that the tardy MP was not yet speaking. After the ape had been lured away by bright young students who offered it handfuls of groat-clusters, Clerk outlined his four-point plan: 1. The immediate institution of Conservative Arts programs at all Canadian universities 2. The abolishment of all tuition fees and guaranteed minimum $10,000 sub. sidies for all graduate students 3. Unconditional tenure for all faculty, administration and staff, excepl in instances of utmost gravity (loss ol keys etc.) 4. A “beer’allowance” of $25 per week for all full-time students. When asked how the alleged government would intend to subsidize these programs, Clerk attempted to shrug, knocking over his water pitcher in the process. Press’aids present at Clerk’s talk revealed that Clerk is preparing for the ensuing election by taking charisma lessons from well-known American politician, debaucher and potential assassination victim Ted Venery, while Clerk’s ‘wife, Moron McLeer has al ready started to wear tight jeans, carry around Nikons with unnecessary extra lens attachments, and write foi Harlequin Books.

Thar’s gold in them thar Bell&, Is there a revolution of the antiquated marking system in the offing? The bane of students and teachers alike may be coming in for a major overhaul if Professor Giuseppe Calco-Pirite of the English department \ has his way. ln a telephone interview with the G!ossette, Calco-Pyrite complained that the meaning of university grades has deteriorated uncontrollably* ovei the past ten years. “A mark of B or B minus just isn’t worth anything anymore. Too many high marks are being shovelled out. “My scheme boasts sheer elegant simplicity only a little short of earthshaking genius. Markers would simply reverse the present scheme of marking by changing A to F, F to A and so on. “The benelits would be intuitively obvious to anyone with a peanut for a brain;” he continued. “The new sys0tern will effectively eliminate grade inflation and produce the sort of grade , _

distribution that statisticians have been hypothesizing for years.” Calco-Pyrite became concerned about the present marking system last year when he realized that students were receiving a preponderance of As that threw off the bell curve. “Not only does this cheapen the value of an A for the students, but it tends to undermine the validity of the entire system, and it also screws up a considerable amount of statistical theory. Reversing all the marks would remedy the situation nicely.” Eff Minus, Dean of the Arts Faculty, scoffed at Calco-Pyrite’s suggestion. “It would require an incredible amount of work. To reverse the marking scheme, professors would have to throw bundles of papers up the stairs. The physical strain could prove fatal in some cases.” Calco-Pyrite defended his scheme, explaining, “An average student who puts a fair amount of work into an

essay and gets a grade that would disgrace his family name will panic and really crack down on his next assign ment. Of course he will fail miserably. “In a state of emotional despair, he will be desperate enough to seek extra help,. attend every lecture, and read, read, read, hoping to pull up his mark. Needless to say, if he survives this ordeal, he will know his subject inside out and still have pathetic grades. The professor, on the other hand, will have a beautiful old-fashioned distribution of grades. ‘&Few students are brilliant enough *to flunk right out, but most are good enough that the prospect of it will scare them into working like dogs.” The idea came to Caico-Pyrite while he was relaxing in a snowbank by the - Faculty Club, enjoying a bottle of Aqua-Velva. “If the concept catches on, Waterloo could get a reputation as a really tough school. Anyone with an 1Q over 160 wouldn’t be able to cut it.” 7

Surprise search of Burnt’s office sheds no light It has been disclosed by Vice President Tom Brstoccolli that the. office of late UW President Burnt Math7 NEWS was raided by the R.C.M.P. yesterday. Inquisitor-Detective Arnold DeMeaner of the Kitchener Detachment of the force told the Glossette in a telephone interview that there was no specific reason for the raid, which took .place the day after MathNEWS died, listening to tapes of his old speeches. “We were just curious, that’s all. We certainly didn’t have any reason to suspect that MathNEWS might have any ties to organised crime, or that he might be their link to ‘certain subversive leftist elements-on campus bent on destroying everything that we hold sacred. Honest. “And even if we did, we certainly couldn’t tell anyone - not that there’s anything to hide, or course .” DeMeaner was surprised to learn that MathNEWS had passed on early the previous morning. “Oh,” he said. “I guess that sure makes us look silly, doesn’t it?” _ When asked what R.C.M.P. agents found in the office, DeMeaner replied, “Nothing was found. Literally nothing. “The entire office was completely empty. No desk, no filing cabinets, no stuffed animals, no jacuzzi, no glass jars filled with groat-clusters, no coffeemaker, no maps of New Zealand, no Group of Seven art reproductions, no beanbag chairs, no spider plants in cute missha,pen ceramic pots made by public school-age children, no copies of the ‘National Enquirer’ - in short, none of the things that one would expect to find in the office of a busy executive. “And there were no traces of cocaine found in MathNEWS’ coat-pocket. Especially since his coat-pocket wasn’t there.” Bright young student reporter, Brian GrapefruitTang oft he Misprint, who arrived minutes after the raid took place, pointed out that the office was actually empty. “This is illogical and highly suspicious,” he suggested to De Meaner and accused De Meaner of attempt. ing to cover up R.C.M.P. involvement in MathNEWS’ mysterious death.” DeMeanei told Grapefruit-Tang to “Blow it out your shorts. crumburn,.” Grapefruit-Tang’s car was later found to be parked too close to an unmarked oiivegreen van outside the Administration building, and it was impounded by Campus Security until further notice..


.‘ ‘Girls ’ ma’ke . grade .

New girlwatchers’ club forms

,

UW wins award High interest rates in th’e international investment world mean UW will balance its budget this year aftei: . all. The university’s Fiscal and Financial Fuhrer, Bruce Golightly, told the senate last week, “interest from investments in third-world dictatorships will earn UW about $3 million this year.” Dividend income is up because of the tense international situation, explained Golightly. With wars in Indochina and racial strife in Africa, “the market is. ideal for short-term military investment,” he said. In a telephone interview with the Glossette he confided the university is now taking in 30 to 40 per cent in overnight investments (mainly to fly-by-night arms runners) and up to 50 per cent on interest in military coups in the third world. “As a rough guesstimate,” Golightly postulated that UW r;ffectively owned an army of about fourteenthousand strong across the world. “We’re thinking of issuing special jackets bearitig the new UW crest for our soldiers abroad. ’ ’ Golightly added that UW’s new international fundraisiig campaign flushed well with the Poltical Science co-op program that sends bright, young students to incite revolutions in underdeveloped countries. (See story page 3. ) The money invested is not surplus,’ explained Golightly; UW has no big*endowment. Tuition fees from regular studi=nts are collected only once each fall but are spent gradually over the entire ybar. “In the mean time,” explained Golightly, -“the money is put to profitable use funding miscellaneous ‘self-interest groups’.” Some people have expressed concern over UW’s involvement with the future of politically volatile countries. “All the money goes into prime money-market countered Golightly. “UW does not involve paper,” itself with ttie politics of the matter.” Neve_rtheless, one small South American state ex- ’ pressed its appreciation to UW for its in-tervention in a recent rebellion by awarding its coveted “Hitler Cross”. The iron cross is adorned with oak leaves a?d groat-clusters.

Tactical nuclear device threatens elephants Security officials yesterday averted an apparent plot to sabotage UW’s Food Services Plant. Les Cunning of Campus Security r’eported, “A thin, spider-like creature was found skulking about the building. When we approached him he vanished inside the plant. .&About once a month some nut tries to get inside to play a practical joke by putting meat in thk hamburgers, or something stupid like that. so we followed him inside. It’s lucky we did. because he had one of those ‘do-ityourself’ mini plutonium bombs from Heathkit, and he was about to blow us ail sky-high.” Security officers defused

the bomb just in time. The saboteur has not been identified. “When we asked him who he was, he just kept repeat‘No name, no ing, name. . .‘,” explained Cunnmg. “We’re lucky we stopped h)m from destroying the /plant. It would have put a big dent in Elephant Week, because Food Services was preparing a great big batch of simulated groat-clusfers at the time. . “The poor guy was in pretty bad shape -just skin and bones, so we’ve been fattening him up qn Food Services Yorkshire Pudding. He seems mqch better already: unresponsive, dazed - just like a normal student!”

Here’s a picture passed on to us from the stu.dent newspaper Misprint which said it couldn’t print it because they had “a policy against sexism”. Well we have no such policy, so here we go: The UW Girl Watcher Club was active on campus last week rating the femmes as they flounced by. This bright young thing received a 6.5. Come on guys, she deserves better than that!

Student interrogated as headline is padded to fill every last,bit of available space, like Losing your Student Identification Card can be no cup of tea. First-year General Arts student, Karl Friedrich Kowplowkapotchnik found that out last week when he misplaced his. “I never realized it before,” explained Karl, ‘bbut it’s just like a ‘Who Card’ you don’t really need it unless you don’t have one.” Karl first noticed that that his card was missing over a week ago, on Tuesday, March 20, when he tried to check a book out of the Arts Library. “It was the nineteenth-century cl&sic, ‘You Can Do It’ by Immanuel Kant. I needed it for my Phil 101 course. I couldn’t buy a copy because my father won’t allow ‘Commie Pinko Homosexual Yid’ literature in the house. Anyway, when I got to-the check-out desk the girl there asked me for my ID card, and I found it missing. “Th‘e‘next thing is she calls this Campus Cop, and he ‘takes me to a little office and

bawls me out for losing t’he card. He makes me fill out a whole bunch of forms arid takes my picture, and he tells me to go home and fin9 the card. “Well, I wasglad toget out of there, so I rushed to’my Psych 112 class where Professor Sphincter was giving an illustrated talk on ‘emotional constipation and verbal diarrhoea in the analretentive personality’.” A Classmate of Karl’s pointed out that he had a large letter “M” written in chalk on the back of his UW jacket.

Food Services Tang and Yorkshire pudding. I was kept awake constantly by an IBM clock that buzzed for five seconds at two minutes to the hour, every hour.” The hapless but ,bright young student was badgered by the officials with questions like, “Is it safe?“, “Why did you resign‘?“, “*Sign ze papers, old ‘man”, “Whatever happened to Baby Jane’?” and “Who put the bop in the bop-she-bopshe-barn?”

Whenever the interrogations ceased, taped South Campus Hall muzak was When he left the classroom piped into the cubicle. “I he was ambushed by two thought I was a goner,” explainclothes Campus Secclaimed Karl. “I was about urity officials who bound and gagged him aid took him to a to be reduced to a mindless, small room with one tiny, in- insensate vegetabje capable of no action more complex accessible window in the than that of responding to Propaganda Services Com- one’s natural bodily needs, plex located on- the northwhen I was saved by ati exeast col;ner of campus. traordinary stroke ofchance. ’ “It was horrible!” recalled “I was dozing, poised in Karl, who was held in his septic prison for over three stupified, intense anticipation of the inevitable, imdays. “They gave me nopending IBM buzz, when an thing to eat or drink except

Bright young students in tasteful newspaper Those of you who were on campus yesterday may have noticed bundles of newspapers that bore a,striking resemblance to the Glossette, lying in strategic locations around the university. Don’t be fooled. If you take closer look at the frond cover, you’ll realize that what’you actually read was a clever ptrody of the Glossette called the “Gazette”. The faked eight-page Gazette was conceived atid produced by the bright young staff of Misprint, the year-qld student newspaper that won financial support in a referendum last week. Three weeks ago Misprint came out with a centerspread parody of the K-W S-tracgor Cassette, which the$ called the “K-W Record” ! . The tasteful, witty front cover boasted a picture of two female students sitting in last week’s sunshine. The cutline aTtached to the photograph referred to “person-watching:’ and “boy-watching”. We at the Glossette office all had a hearty chuckle over that one! More good fun was found inside, where notices from the secretariat announced a whole bunch of hilarious meetings, and desks, chairs, bicycles and so on were advertised as being for sale from Central Stores. We really split our sides, though, w.hen we reai about students facing charges of “being drunk while driving at the start or end of their studies”. “The drunken driver is a danger to society, but it’s not seen that way by the system,” says a judge in the page three story. The bright, young Misprinters delved into black humour on the next page, with their devastating parable about the

orangutan swung by the tiny, inaccessible window in my Chateau d‘If and flung in a set of UW master-keys with the initials B.M. inscribed in the key-holder. ~“1 found a way into the basement of Propaganda Services and followed a secret tunnel that opened into a hidden panel on the fourth floor of the Arts L,ibrary.” When Karl attempted to leave the library he was spotted by the same clerk who first noted the missing ID card. Karl was again pursued by Security officials, and an exciting car chase ensued, which resulted in the destruction of a disabled K-W Transit vehicle, a migrating Red Tundra Worm and one green Campus Cop Car. “When I got home, I found my ,Student Identification Card lying on top of my old Sunday School reader, ‘next to my picture of mom, just where I left it last Monday night when I had my glass of milk before I went to bed promptly at nine-o’clock. Boy, did I ever-feel silly.”

satirize admjnistration parody of Glossette

Canada goose. Readers are warned not to read it if they are easily offended. Strangely enough, the Misprint’s “Gazette” made no aiiusions to the impending Elephant Week or to the tragic death of the recently dismissed UW presidentBui.1lt M;ithNEWS. They didn’t even once mention “groat-citlstet-~” ! The Giossette staff got wind of the Misprint parody several weeks ago, according to editor Red Crimson. In 21telephone interview he revealed that, .. I got a little suspicious when I got a phone-call from Qmni Ersatz bf the Misprint, asking m”e what typestyle we use for our logos.”


*

.

WarthogIstrives to reach the loivtmt common denominator .

Accessibility is the ideal expressed in the work of Andy ’ fbl for the future. “I have many relatives,” he explains. Warthog, a UW artist whose avant-garde paintings are being The UW Arts Centre Gallery is in the Modern Language! Building. It is never open, no matter how much you want tc displayed in the Arts Centre Gallery this week. Warthog says he is reacting against the myth that true art see what’s inside, except evenings when there3 a show in tht “I’m fed up with this esoteric theatre, and then you have to pay admission, unless you’re must be incomprehensible. really nice to the ticket-tearer, who doesn’t really care any claptrap that no one.can understand. “Anyone should be able to appreciate art. No message way. should be so complex that the masses cannot understand it. Logically then, art should have no mess8jge.” Warthog’s revelation came to him one day when he was walking through the art section in his local Woolworth’s. “‘I think.that the world is an absolute mystery. Things like that frighten me, so I strive,for art-that belies this .fact. “Obscurist art should be banned by the state. Who wants to see paintings of elephants and groat-clusters?” Warthog’s work displays incredible versatility. Paintings in UW Administration Services is bailing out the near, the show range from scenes of small children and animals with bankrupt Federation of Students. oversized heads and large, brown eyes, to panoramic cityPoor planning by the Federation’s Entertainment Prog -scapes painted in green and orange on black velvet. rammer, Denise Doddering, has hopelessly plunged the Fed “I still have a soft spot for doing reproductions of the Mona eration into debt, according to Federation President Marl Lisa and Rembrandt’s ‘Man with Golden Helmet’, but I like Muck’nMire. “We would have’ to liquidate all our assets, am ’ to think I’ve matured beyond that stage.” then we would still be in ‘debt. Warthog, who is a faculty member in UW“s Disintegrated “Even if we sold Denise’s new Jaguar and her private Lea Studies department, is a full-blooded Esquimo, and says he’ll jet we couldn’t get our heads above water.” The Federation kill anyone who passes it on. being a non-profit organization, is not allowed to carry 2 Warthog has not received many commissions, but is hopedeficit over from one fiscal year to another. Bill Ducks of Administration Reichstag Group (ARG) con fii-med the move to save the Federation. “We’re not doin this-out of the good of our tiny, hardened hearts. They%< getting our help only because Muck’nMire agreed to relin quish complete financial control of the Board of Entertain ment to ARG-. Flushed with the success of his recent choral production at ’ The takeover follows speculation regarding the future o the T.A., composer-conductor Leonard Enns is envisioning BENT and the Federation of Students, speculation which hat bigger and better things. Assisting him on his new project will now been replaced by idle gossip and rumours of changes tc be closet musicologist Lyle Friessen (who is better known as take place in the board. lead mandolin for the Deep Dish Cavaliers). They’ll listen to_Muzak and like it,” said newly-appointee The soothing effect-of Byrd’s Masses was brought home to ARG/BENT Comptroller Willy Dewitt Wright, referring tc Enns when he noticed the audience equipped with pillows and the Campus Centre Pub. “No more of this ‘taped music . sleeping bags. crap.” Friessen suggested that perhaps by narrowing the field Dewitt has also planned Polka Parties and “Beer Hal from Byrd’s music in general to Eagle’s_music in particular, Pushes”. “There’ll be some changes ma-ade.“ he intoned. Enns could achieve.genuine contrast by moving life into the . Doddering, who has suddenly found herself jobless be, fast lane. moaned her plight to the Glossette. “I was just getting tht \ . knack of it, too. I was sure we were going to get into the black It should be a really BOSS sound! with my next big-project, MayFest.” Her last four bashes Decemberfest, JanuaryFest, SpringFest and LentFest have I all shown significant losses. Doddering’s summer line-up, which included MayFest JuneFest, SummerFest, AugustFest and FestFest, has beer _cancelled by Wright. Lionel Needleman, Economics, “On the Approximation of Fed Flicks will also find themselves on Wright’s scrap the. Gini Coefficient of Concentration”, The Manchester heap. “I’m going to push books,” he said.’ “You’d be sur School of Economic and Social Studies, Vol. 46, No. 2, June prised how many of our students enjoy a good read. And after 1978, pp. 105-22. all, books are cheaper than movie-s. Want a cigar?‘! adder Burnt MathNEWS, Administration, “I was a Teen-age Wright. . Crown-prince”, Diary of the Stars, Vol. 344521, pp. 407-97.

Finances force Feds, folding -Fests ‘Flicks-

0 Mennonites submit obscure humour

Blazer Cutthroat, Engineering, “On the proper way to Wear Vests’ ’ , It’s a Man’s Life”, Vol.#l, No, i, January 1974. p. 1. Jean Olga-Font-T’Russel, Dance, “My Navel is OK, Your Navel has Some Lint in it and Isn’t as Well Fdrmed as Mine”. You’re in the Navel Now, Vol. something,-Some No. pp. Beginning to end. M. Moo-Young and C.W. Robinson with N. Pamment, J. cultivation of CellHilton, Chemical Engineering, “Solid-state Biotechnol. Bioeng., 20, 1735 (1978). ulolyticum on sawdust”, Same authors, “Growth of C. cellulolyticum on alkalipretreated sawdust and pretreatment liquor;;, Apyjld. Envirn. Microbial., 36. p. 284 (1978). James G. Cagneyfleisch, Biostatistics, “On the effects of laboratory environments on the incidence”of cancer in dirty white rats.” Johnny Cobalt. Electroplanning. “The Application of Unemployed Planning Gradu&es as High Tension Wires During Emergency Hydro Situations. A standardized chart of the average grad’s impedence to. certain amperages of power.” 1979. UW’s School of Planning and Electricity Studies. Prof. Cxzdrty Jones of Engineering has recently written a book called “Food Engineering”. It focuses on how food can be substituted fbr machinery in times of crisis, and bits and pieces of machines, especially the lubricants, can be eaten. He figures this will bring the farmers and engineers closer together. Political Mathematics for Fun and Profit. Prof. Rousseau Chisquare has edited and reviewed the late Rt. Hon Elvis Darwin’s book on Applying mathematical quantative analysis to solve the worlds problems. The odds are pretty good this will be the last thing either Chisquare or Darwin does. The Kin Club, recently finished another How To book. This time around, they’ve given us a helpful guide for ‘*Cross Country Driving”. The book graphically illustrates the art of drinking and driving, disposing of empties tit high speeds, rolling down the car top, changing channels on an 8 track, 01 trying to find CFTR on the dial while parallel parking.‘Kin officials say that this book should help anybody gain crucial fat as winter insulation.

CKMS to burn. AM ears as well

CKMS, the UW student-r_un FM radio station, will be ex panding to an AM frequency this coming fall. . Bill Worried, resident technician for CKMS told the Glo$ sette,, “We wanted to snatch this opportunity to develop ou lack of professionalism. Also, it’ll give us more of a chance t muck up the air-waves in the UW area.” .Dave Bottomperson, manager for the station, explains thz CKMS has not been doing well financially since it became a FM station eighteen months ago. “We thought we’d go fo broke, but have a good time doing it.” The new AM station will be devoted to scatology, se&m racism, fascism and other offensive material. “It shoulc proffered the hopeful Bottomper really boost our ratings,” son. “We’ll have a great time inventing phony weather re ports, and spreading rumours and lies on fake scandals abou U W personalities. “I’ve been hanging around here too long pretending tha radio broadcasting is neat, I mean groovy. Whoops, I mea ‘with it’. Oh, what’s the expression they use these days? “Anyway, we’ll have some real fun,%eing zany and irre: ponsible for a change.” Worried said that he planned to_ “experiment”l with thei new AM band. “I want to see how strong a signal we ca produce - none of this fifty watts nonsense. With a bit of Itic. I’ll be able t? produce a really sloppy signal that will interferi with every other AM station received in the Waterloo reg ion.” Worried also proposes to install an automatic, randomizec volume control, and hints at a scheme to emit unusual sequ ences of frequencies that wilk destroy all but the sturdies speaker systems. -Bottomperson predicts that the CRTC will revoke their AR licence as soon as complaints start to pour in, “but with all thl bureaucracy, we should be able to broadcast for at least a yea before they force us to stop.” y -

Our hands are dripping. All over the floor. The jellied flesh hesitates momentarily, as if reluctant to accept the inevitable, then relaxes. Elongation, distortion, indulgence in gravity. The flaccid fingers, the dripping digits-plop, one by one onto the paisleyed stingrays throbbing on the floor about me. Now I know how the wicked witch of the west must have felt. I am+suddenly overtaken by a burst of lucidity (lucidity in the sky with diamonds?). My dealer over at Laurier had me sample one of Berlioz’s greatest hits at noon today, and wow, was it a great hit! I’ve been flashing from straight to totally . gone, back to straight to gone in a different direction to straight again - sort of an ektended rondo form of stone. Hey, I think I feel a bridge coming on. . . SQRAAAGXLD@@@@@sfo478 god this typewriter is getting aroused i think it is after me i think it likes me i think it wants tb eat me ITSGOTMYFINGERSITSGOTMYFINGERSITSGOTMY----freeeeeeak out: why doesn’t CFTR play Zappa? Now that’s what I call a B theme. God, what are we saying. We’ve been forgetting to use the royal pronoun (as if it would confuse you as to how many of us there are, or what our sex (sexes?) is: who but a man would drool over female performers the way we do. I just hope the Philosophy department doesn’t find out. Perhaps you’re wondering how I got the job of sampling the latest imports for the Administration’s rag‘? Well, Mr. Crimsqn isn’t called “Red” for nothing. And it’d be too obvious having one of the them profs handling it or the boys in Biology for that matter. Have you ever looked closely at the tomato plants in the greenhouse? Columbian tomatoes. Chungaaaaaaa !!!!! You have no idea how hard it is to type in a stream of consciousness fashion when the typewriter has no exclamation marks. You see, there’s periods (. . . . . . . ) and apostrophes ( rltrlll) but no exlamation marks (!!!!!!!). Aha!! So how, you cleverly ask, did they just appear’? Well;a little trick I learned when I did my Doctorate at Harvard (oops, I shouldn’t say that, or you might be able to deduce who I am) was that if you put down a period, like this. and then backspace, like thisyou’ll (iguess you couldn’t see the backspace, but you’ll note that the-next word wasn’t separated from the first, due in fact to the backspace) be in such a position (missionary?) (Ed. Note: I should apologize for the appearance of that joke twice in this issue (see Positions Avoidable). I was at a loss to see how to replace it (“doggy” seems so lame), but let me asssure you ‘that it will be temporarily retired from our active joke file until it regains its delightful freshness - say about four days) that, by simply typing an apostrophe, like this’ you’ll have synthesized an exclamation mark, like this.’ damn, i forgot the backspace. Of course you never see my typescript, since the typesetter completely digests it and spits out pretty copy, which is why I have to. keep finding it each week with opulent verbiage, as it would digest me if i didn’t. But still, the bit about exclamation marks.! (dammit again!. shit??) is totally irrelevant, which is how i feel, like. Do you realize that we are halfway through this article, and we haven’t yet used the word “redoubtable”‘? I hope you’re impressed at my self-control. Anyvi/ay, back to the subject of drugs. Oar regretat missing the shipment of March 16 was considerably intensified when we lost our stash (inside that big, floppy hat that we are always seen inhaling from) and had to bum roaches for the rest of the week. Rumour has it that Alfie was giving complimentary shotguns to partyers. His last name isn’t Lungs for nothing. ‘Speaking of Alfie, we’re very sorry to see him go. He was certainly a man to deal with, if you catch my drift. -His only fault was that he was forever losing large quantities of dope. He regularly misplaced dime bags and even ounces. They say ’ that the axe fell when Burnt fbund out he had lost a few keys. It’s strange that he’d be concerned about a thing like that. All pe ever smokes is rolled-up copies of one of the’-societies’ newspapers. oh wow man i swear i just saw an orangptan swing past my office up here in HH - oops. I must be coming dow.n. Somebody else saw it too. I suppose it’s time to snort some more groat-clusters. You know, from a Utilitai-ianistic point of view, groat-clusters are definitely where it’s at. None of this cheap Arts Lecture cocaine that would be better used to whiten your coffee. None of that free-and-legal grass in the Psych building, either. The researchers just give you thk stems and seeds and save the rest for themselves. I bet every bright, young student I can almost see through the tiny, inacc-essible windows in my office would give a group of silver fourpenny coins in order to samply just one groat-cluster. (Ed. Note: C . Hahtihahahahaha)


CLASS NED

$1 for 2 words hard cold cash deadline Tuesday

,

noon

Nubile blondes --Industrial toilet paper holders. UW no longer needs these things since they abandoned filling them years ago. Perfect for your house. $8.99 per dozen. Call 8851211. Ugly orange roomf Campus Centre Pub. This one has to go to make room for a hotel complex. Starting price $3.99/lb. Manure One extremely mouthy Civil Engineering professor who is a self proclaimed expert on human evolution. We will pay you! Windows Have lots of tiny, inaccessible windows. Any price. PRG. i Doors We have a large selection of attractive, left-hand doors that say “Please Use Other Door”. Great for practical jokes. PRG. Wanted John Bast. He hasn’t been home since the day after his birth and we miss him. Love the Entire Western World. Description. Tall, cute, likes to be cuddled, especially by nude 21 yr old females. We love you Johny the UN, write jwbast, Box 69987, Brooklyn, NY, 12345. ! Gelded Horses Woodbine has some old beat up horses for sale after Food Services cancelled contract last week. Write MEAT, Woodbine, Woodbine Ontario. Need a Vacation Cheap Travels is offering a OnceIn-A-Lifetime trip to Buffalo, New York for the first annual SodomFest. Call Allen Spraggett c/o The Toronto Sun, or CBC Radio. Ricketts Amazing new substance discovered on CC pub washroom floor will cure unwanted cases of Ricketts. Call Rita for more information 885-l 211. Zamboni Slightly used outdoor summer skating arena ice resurfacer is currently available on a rental basis. Harold Ballard Maple Leaf Gardens. For Rent Our bodies. The entire Engineering faculty including students, and staff. Good performance. Call 885-l 211. Typing available Professionally trained Don Rickles lookalike needs job stereotyping females, and minorities. Call Heinz c/o YMCA Kit. For Sale Seventeen “For Sale” s$ns. Will take best offer. After 7, 885-l 211. Sex Group of lonely Conestoga College Nurses looking to get lucky. Go-to any rqom in the Coronet tonight R after 5. Drugs Former Glossette writer, nam& Cecilia, is looking for good shit, preferably Whitby Gold or Columbian. c/o the Police at King-Pen. Contemporary Modern House Neat.little houses on construction sites are now available through Physical Resources 885-1211. Learn How to Read Whole English dept is offering a ten week learn to read how good en‘glish properlee in the Humungus Bileding Ate-Pee-em 76 cents a wird Iirned. Ate ate 5 dash wontoowoflone. For Sale Interested in owning a whole city? Call Cleveland immediately. We will accept any down payments as low as $1.95 c/o Cleveland Lives On; Tomorrow or CLOT downtown, Cleveland USA. Lost Do you want to lose it? After all, you are 21 in third yr university living with a nymphette roomate. JJ Short at Grad Club. 885-1211 anytime. Found ’ Colony of extraterrestial aliens liv’ ing in V2 disguising themselves as “the hired help”. Interested call Steve the don .885-1211 immediately.

Groat-clusters Will move groat-clusters. Have ten-ton truck. No orangutans. Call 885-l 660. ’ Found Bright young student has found one set of UW master-keys with initials B.M. on holder. Call 885-1211. Smut Piles of unprintable racist and sexist material. Ten cents a pound. Call 886-7700 and ask for “Cuddles”. Dead Horse Turnkey Stables has for sale a dead horse that is capable of balancing on one foot. You might of seen the horse in CC 140 until recent times. Asking anything decent actually! Red junk Lotsof small, red fibreglasschunks are available from Central Stores. When assembled, these pieces will constitute an object which invariably causes people to throw rocks at it. B,ald Deceased professor’s scalp is up for sale to the highest bidder. Must have beard and like to read skin books. Auction place; Honeywell terminal in the Math bldg. Auctioneer; Harry Toupe. Horny Beechwood area woman owner of a recently bought 4 bedroom house is after a student with strong sex drive. Four on the floor will suffice. 881-SEXY. Pimples ’ Amazing new device will burst -pimples and suck pus off your face instantly. Hoover vacuum cleaner company of Canada Scarborough ,FalIs, Ont. Wanted Hi I’m Larry Flynt and I’m looking for new camera equipment. Unfortunately I vomited on my own during a session. Only Brownie owners need bother phone. Call Hus-tler Boswash USA. Wanted A job. Call now, call collect. NASA Somewhere down here in Florida. Do you fart? Biology prof has invented a ‘pill which will neutralize cc pub beer .andfoodservices gruel in seconds. By the dozen 60 cents each but hurry, they are selling like hotcakes. Career New Waterloo company is looking for bright, young, intelligent, handsome, cultured, debonair, suave, bon vivant, strong, well hung; skilled, gifted, tall, educated, assimilated, and circumcized students for ‘selling “Boost Your Ego” cosmetic products. Call 885-l 211 and ask for Larry. Ignorant Racist Vermin In the Cellar Use bio-engineering new product Chev-Off (pronoun&d Shuv-off) is available in bookstore. If *sold out, buy a gallon of Food Services gravy 885-1211. Ratsclawin’your Face Stay away from us. Call 885-1211 and ask for Willard. Offered Local high school is offering a course in Closemology, a course for the nations future gay hairdressers. Call F.A.G. Waterloo Bored of Education. I Atomic wastepile It’s guaianteed to keep your kids ljlaying for hours on rainy days. When they get their very own glowing plutonium tailingsmudpile. Ontario Hydro at Pickering. Before the stuff nielts its way to China. Jane Fonda Enterprises. Nuisances We will beat the living fuc’k out of troublemakers. Call Regional Municipality of Waterloo Police. Waterloo, Ont. Blind It must be only temporary if you can read this ad. Just in case drop into the new Optometry Acupuncture Eye Surgery Dept. Bring OHIP on Friday to Opt Building. UW. Hotel for sale Waterloo’s glorious Kent Hbtel is up for sale to any student willing to invest Canada’s entire GNP to pay for renovations. Call Holidy Inn Enterprises in Toronto at (416) 187-0989. Lost One barberchair. Call Rick at 885-l 211, anytime. Progressive stuff Thirtyish male newspaper editor to join left-wingish wishes Marxist-Leninist . group. Call 885-l 211, ext 3605 anytime.

.Pretzels and 4. a hydrophobia inspired new way to sweat -Anyone can do it. Everyone should. So says Dr. Bertrand Nerk, a kindly. UW kinesiology -- -professor, wh9 is noone in particular. He’s been no-one in particular for fifteen years. His pitiful claim to fame is that he is the originator and perpetrator of a new craze on campus - combination running and yoga: This is nothing actually newsworthy, but we’re long on space- this week.Besides, you may have seen a contorted assemblageof arms and legs traversing the ring road at spekd, and wondered what it was. It was Dr. Nerk. . If you’re curious, he can be fo’und any morning at nine o’clock hopping up and down the Dana Porter Arts Library stairs. As we found him, one leg was gracefully thrown over his shoulder, the shin twisted laterally such that he could grip his baby toe delicately between his teeth. At the same time, his arms rotated rapidly at the elbows in a shoveling motion. He wore no clothes. The entire effect was a pleasing euphony of movement. ’ “This thing is really catching on,” ‘reports Dr. Nerk. “About nineteen progressive people have, with my help, f0rmed.a club, and laymen frequently ask what I am trying to pull.” Dr. Nerk has been imitating a pretzel for years, but running at the same time is a recent innovation. “I was at home in the backyard practising the difficult ramrod blam (both ankles crossed behind the neck) when a rabid dog sprang at me from a tree. Without thinking to untie myself, I ran like a rabid dog was after me. It didn’t take.long before I realized I was ontQ a great exercise. The rabid dog is a nice touch, but not necessary.” The beginner is well advised to take it easy at first, lest one land heavily on the road. Nerk’s advise: don’t trip in front of a bus. And train only under expert supervision. / “The beginner must realize he is totally incompetent, and must pay me an exorbitant sum’ of money to, tell him , what to do. This is the only way.”

,But, Dr. Nerk says, running and yoga will benefit anyone who cares to try it. “Running and yoga is a real all-round exercise, building strength, stamina, flexibility, and tolerance for pain. “It,develops a healthy fanatical jock mentality, %a real appreciation of the rich, clean smell of sweat.” He elaborated t hat running and Yoga must be included in any lifestyle with any pretense of ade quacy, and that those who ignore this warning will Pay dearly. “Once again I must emphasize that to do it at all properly, you must pay me to get my invaluable instruction.”

Armpits up to scratch Last Saturday the Mech Eng Armpits battled with the St. Paul’s Pacifists in the Intramural hockey championship game, and .butchered them. The final Score -was 55-O. The game started with prayer-service by St. Paul’s while the Armpits-&mped pails of corn syrup over the _Pacifists. The Pacifists had some difficultymoving the puck after this. Mech Eng then scored heavily after throwing computer card confetti into the Pacifists’ eyes. St. Paul’s brought the puck to centre ice and courteously passed the puck to a Mech Eng player who seemed to want it. In gratitude, the Mech Eng player knocked him down with his stick and skated over his face. The Armpit then went on to score and kill the goalie. Meanwhile, in a great defensive move, the Armpits were checking their opponents in the far corner. The Pacifists thanked them and turned in order to have their other sides chkcked. As the Pacifists bled in the corner, the Armpits gang attacked the Pacifists’ new goalie and made him swallow his leg pads. Needless-to-say, the Armpits scored frequently after this. After the game they were served refreshments by those Pacifists with all four limbs still attached c to their bodies.

.FASS replaces parties vv.ith par&line: . cheezies are {out FASS has seen the light, according to Nella !Nai, newly-appointed head scriptwriter for next year’s FASS ‘80 The annual satirical revue about campus life is going to change its colours, “and drop its sycophantic role of catering to the wishes of the administration,” !Nai told the Glossette in a telephone interview. “No more of this ‘anti-student’ stuff. We’re going all out to expose the rich, and how they shift the burden of cutbacks onto the backs of the oppressed student. “It was Dave Garter-belt’s review that did it,” he continued. Garterbelt was the editor of the recently disenfranchised C hevrite, which now publishes from downtown Waterloo. “We, all felt jusi awful after reading his review. We hadn’t realized how mean we were being to the engineers and all. I guess we were just mystifying the,issueS.” Jim Hedgetrmmer, director for FASS ‘80, said that next year’s show will consist of dramatizations of the Free Chevrite struggle interspersed with readings from “My Struggle”, by Albania’s Enver Hoxha. “There won? be any of the traditional decadence and counter-re’volutionary pacifist material. It only serves to divide thk students.”

o,,

We asked Hedgetrmmer if the new line that the FASS company was adopting didn’t conflitit with tht: spirit of the group’s name, which stands for Faculty, Administration, Staffand Students. “Yeah,” he said, “but we’re going to change all that. It’s the Staff and Students who are always the underdogs, so we’re going to shorten the name to SS.” !Nai also guaranteed that; “We’ll make sure this time that a certain Board of Pubs chairperson and Misprint contributor who will go unnamed won’t be onk of the main scriptwriters. It’s really great to have Dave around-to point out the really rabid reactionaries who will go to any length to subvert our purpose. “It sure took us a long time to figure out that audiences weren’t laughing with us but at us. Once we weed out all the misfits we’ll be back on our feet again.” Hedgetrmmer pointed out, “There’s just one thing we’ll be sure not .t’o change. We took note of the fact that Dave really liked Pseudomoto’s hunchbacked jig and Henry Morgan Light’s pegleg jive, so we’re planning to have lots of dancing cripples.” !Nai agreed; “I understand Dye really gets off on that sort of thing.”

Red Crimson edits out the controversy’ Editing the administration’s Glossette can be a difficult job for a selfrespecting newspaper man. On the one hand he has to maintain a true sense of objectivity, while on the other, he knows he’ll lose his job if he does. This, however, does not seem to present a problem for ,Glossette editor Red Crimson. “Just because I am hired and paid by the administration, does not mean

I Will compromise on journalistic standirds’ ’ , Crimson said during a recent press conference. “I will do my utmost to promote the University when it excels, and to conveniently ignore any of its failings” he added later at a meeting with Vice President Pedantic Tom Britscoldski. Friends say that Crimson does not see any paradox in this mainly “because his brain hasn’t worked for the last 6 years. ” What does Crimson like doing the most as editor of the Glossette? “I think that I get the most satisfaction from typing out the Faculty Changes every week. ‘My favourite one went something like this: ‘S.C. Johnson, Professor in the Dept. of Computer Science, commencing July 1, 1978 and terminating June 30, 1979.’ With such information, I feel that I am honestly contributing to society.” Friends also say that Crimson is “a little bit on the dull side.” Looking back over the past 6 years Crimson has been editing the Glossette, Crimson fondly remembers what he Cbnsiders to be his finest news story: “You see, UW used to have this sculpture on campus that looked Iike a big red worm, you see, and, but, th’en it was taken away, and then later on, sometime later, you see, UW got a new sculpture on campus: this big breeze boar, and, uh, we wrote a story on it, uh, yeah.” Friends agree that Crimson’s favourite story was “The big boar.” Crimsbn is a dedicated worker, working for you in his rather plush Glossette offices. If you’re up early --enough you might see him bicycling to work. He says he likes to bike to work since ‘*the exercise helps the circulation by pumping oxygen to the * brain. ’ ’ Friends say that Crimson needs all the oxygen in the brain that he can get.


Thursday Algebraic

-

March 29

Meditation.

Modules will centralize aleph-naught .

The ideal group for people in all fields. on alternating functions. 8 p.m. CC

Centre Pub. Features Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix. Feds $1.00 aftey 7 p.m.; others $1.75. Electronic. Music Demonstration. Electrical Engineers are hosting a seminar on how to operate a radio in E2 at 2 PM. Engineering Term-end Party. Fireside discussion on Virtue and Purity. Tea and munchies will be served.‘CC 110,6 p.m. Turnkey Elections All friends and supporters may apply at the Turnkey desk by 4 p.m. today. Creation. Dr. Stonewall proves that if the mind has a free will so does the rectum. Arts Lecture Hall 6.PiM. Laurel Creek Follies. Prof. Slice N. Dice of Biology will usher in the beginning of the mud carps annual swim upstream to spawn. Outside Campus Centre at 7 PM. In case of rain go to Mtirineland and Game farm in Niagara Falls for simulated demonstration courtesy of Channel 7’s Rocketship 7 crew. Vegetarian Dinner. Math Building room 5 136 at 6:30 PM. All carnivores must bring their own vegetarian to gnaw on. . Campus

Friday March 30 Campus

others

Centre Pub with “Genesis”.

Feds $1.00 after 7 p.m.;

$1.75.

EngSoc proves that the mopn can be seen during daylight hours. 12:00 noon outside of Arts Bring your own sunglasses. Hare-Krishna Initiation. See Delilah at Apple II hairstyling 5 downstairs in the CC. Blood-letting Clinic. Haemophilia+=. only. 10 a.m. to 10: 15 p.m. M&C 3rd floor lounge. Angora Cathouse. Howling by Felix. Old shoes provided. Milk and Kibbles will be available. 8 p.m. CC 110. WLU Distinguished International Film Series. Snuff films from Latin America. Skin flicks from upper Manhattan. Bring a friend and stay over. Kitchener Public Library. 7 p.m. Free. Anti-Sealing Group. Meet to discuss how to stop the cruel seal hunt over a flipper pie dinner. Turnkey desk at 7:00 AM. Pro-Sealing Group. Unemployed students currently involved with the hunt discuss the possibility of skinning‘anti-hunt supporters instead of seals. Bring a dull knife to the turnkey desk at 7:00 AM. Star Trek Club. All physics students exposed to dangerous levels of radiation who have pointy ears, are invited to fling sub atomic food particles at each other during lunch at SCH. It starts just after I leave. Astral

Spectacular.

clearly Library.

Saturday “Guts

Frisbee”

book-table

American

Monday

behind-M&C,

4 p.m. Bring your

own discus. Game. The football team, dressed in armour, and the basketball and hockey teams, dressed in diapers, will fight to the death. Food Services Prep R&om. Physical Resources 7 PM. Arts Student Union Annual General Meeting. 8 p .F. in AL 116, Party afterwards in Arts Lounge, 8:03 p.m. Granal37Association Dinner. Several vekbose turnkeys will discuss the rights to life of pneumonia and streptococcus germs. Dinner includes Laurel Lake m-ud souffle and creamed otter shit pie. Organic dandelion beer will be served free of charge. Turnkey desk 7:00 AM. Bar Services. Encourages all students to drink like fish and leave large tips. Granola Association Dinner CC 7:oO AM. Rockey Horror Picture Show. Sylvester Stallone challenges Dr. Frank-N. Furter to a drag race around the Ring Road. Start Time: 11 cm by South Campus Hall. Boxing Display. Former world champ Moohamhead Alley takes on<The Dance Dept. in a show of kick boxing. As a handicap, Alley has to wear foot-powder. PAC ‘9:23 pm. Is There Hope After Life. I guess so, we had Macleans after Time. Committee for an Independent Math Building. Meet today to discuss future plans to take the Math Building out of Confederation. Guest Speaker Rene Shellac starts his lecture at 6 PM (7:30 in NFLD, and 11:43 in the Math building) Warriors

April 2

CC Pub. A live demonstration

of how to get a bad case of the Feds $1 .OO after 7 pin: all ofhers $1.75. Ba’hai Behest. Join this healthy, popular cult. It’s better in the Ba’hai! Indoctrinationand brainwashing 7 pm:PAS 1984. Biology Delirium. “Our friend the Groat-cluster,” talk by Dr. Jumbo Elephantiasis. 3:30 p.m. Biology 370. Earth Sciences Seminar. Dr. Peter Pigpen will speak on “Creepy Crawly Grubs That Move When You Turn A Rock Over”. Mudpies and fresh-ground coffee will be served. 4 p.m. Bl, room 295. Go Association. Bring your own Go Transit vehicle. 7 - 11 p.m. cc 110. CCCP/BYOB/MXQRSBP meeting. Dr. M. Nemonic will speak about acronyms. 8 p.m. PAC 6066.2 RMS., RIV VU. I beer farts.

LK YR BDY. Search and Rescue Party.

Psych Depts annual search through the PAS -buiiding for students missing over eight months. Begins at noon. Bring mountain climbing gear, and enough supplies to last eight months. PAS 6587 ’ Food Services. Proof that students can survive long periods of time without nutrition. Lecture in Village I at 2:30. What’s it like to have three testicles? Walter Cronkite explains the feeling during the CKMS EVENING NEWS 5:50 PM.

Nuclear Physics. Food Services demonstrates how deadly radioactive wastes can be instantly neutralized by placing them in their gravy. South Compost Hall 6:09 PM. In case of holocaust bring ID.

Wednesday

April 4

CC Pub. Ex-Argonaut

Zenon Andrushyshun gives a talk dn the art of booting your textbooks to kingdom come. Free, 7 p.m. AIA Forum. “All Denounce Mao-Tse Tung Thought”, talk by Doug Stonewall. Open closed meeting in CC 135, 8 p.m. Math Sot meeting M.C. 3080, 8:00 sharp. Bring your own deck. Eng Sot Council Meeting. Debate will centre around what campus objects can be moved where. All in the spirit of Engineering fun. Boat races afterwards. Contest prizes for those who puke the most guts out. * Needless Hall 30006. 8 p.m. Discursion-Fellowship

Rimski-Korsakov, p.m. HH 280.

on Scheherezade for the next 1000 nights.

by Chaplain Von Supg at 6

NORML Meeting. BYOTHC. 7 p.m. CC 9. Dungeons and Dragons Tournament. BYOD&D.

M&C lounge I PhysPhilm. The Physics Club presents “The Bridge over the Tacoma Narrows”. Phys 111, 8 p.m. Is Campus Radio a Joke? CKMS Stereo 94.5 demonstrates the . validity of this hypothesis any given time of the day. Gay Lib Meeting: What exactly did the Bible mean by “Love Thy Fellow Man.” Closet of Health Services. Engineering First Annual Wire-Pulling Contest. Come one, Come all. The washroom in E4. 2300 hours. anytime.

Thursday

April

5

,’

Frgnk Sex Di&ussion. Prof. Frank I. Needitbadly will pose the question; Is university the greatest means of birth control/ ever devised? Main Floor Washroom in the CC. 8:00 PM. Progressive Politics and You. Illustrated talk Qn campus radicals and beer, by Rick Smit. 7 p.m. CC Pub. Max Webster. Famed pigeon geneologist turned rock star will discuss the relationship between pigeon droppings and million-selling albums. Village II at 2:47 AM EST. CKMS FM. Straight News and Views. A contemporary look at the heterosexual lifestyle which is slowly emeiging on campus. Hosted by Johnny Wad. 8:00 PM right after Gay Netis and Views.

Pub with “Supertramp”. Feds $1 .OO after 7 $1.75. AIA Forum. “All Hail Mao-Tse Tung Thbught”, talk by Doug Stonewall. Closed open meeting in CC 135, 8 p.m. Does Excessive Sex Lead to Blindness. Rolling Stone (r) Keith Richards disproves this theory in the Clinic in Optometry. 4:59:59 am. Geophysics Seminar. Prof. frna KnutKase ponders the possibility of the planet earth being conical in shape. Psychiatric Ward K-W Hospital at 8i19 pm. Is Leonard Darwen a Cult figure? Imprint production manager Randy Birchbarkman says yes. “He is Difficult.” CC 140 2:00 pm. Canadian Students Association meets in downtown Kitchener around 1 pm. The show gets underway just as soon as somebody can recite the national anthem, or name the six original hockey teams before expansion. Boob Tube Club. Meets at sign on time in the morning and goes until the last station is off the air. Bring your own beer to CC, and don’t let the Turnkeys find out. Elora Gorge Ski Club cordially invites students and faculty to its dinner this year to raise money for new ski equipment with better traction. The Laurel Room at 9:30 sharp. Pot Luck Dinner. The Orangutanophiles of Erbsville Inc. Invite all bright young students to attend its groat-cluster pot luck dinner at the Erbsville Go-cart Track.

Bright young students competed for a good spot to watch last Thursday’s dramatization of the Elephant Rite of Spring performed in the Arts Quadrangle by the Orangutan Players.

Others watched the demonstration from the tiny, inaccessible windows in the Arts Library. “It was a really great show,” said our photographer, who got lots of excellent shots of it.

Campus

Tuesday

April

friends place.

“Thou shalt drink Kool-Aid” Cult suicide for all and supporters. Phone Doug Stonewall for time and

History

Department

Colloquia.

by Harold Robbins, Published Hardcover, $3.50 Paperback.” HHHH 205. English Department

Colloquia.

Talk by someone

Centre

p.m.; others

3

AIA Forum.

Colloquia” noon.

March 31 Tournament

in AL all day. Various literature from the Institute for Architecture. Masses at Notre Dame Chapel. Standing room only. 9:3O a.m., 11 a.m. and 12:30 p.m. -I. Equestrian Club meeting. BYOH. CC 110, 6 p.m. Philosophy Obsequia Speaker Prof. HFrold Maudlin. Topic: * “E Pluribus Tyranosaurus Fiat Non Sequitur Aeternae: How to be Right.” 3:30 p.m. HH 334. Museum Film: “Truck-stop Trilobites and the Naughty Paleontologist’ ’ . Paper bags provided. 12:30 p.m. Biology 370. AIA

“That the Bible was a Novel by Penguin Books; $14.95 Talk by some nut. 7 p.m.

“The proper pronunciatidn of who knows. PAC main gym. 12

Sunday April 1 “Why scientific journalism cannot be equated to Party politics”. talk by Doug Stonewall. Open meeting to all friends and supporters. 7 p.m. Progressive Books and Periodicals. Kitchener. Who is JW Bast. John Wallfleure Ballast discusses the secret identity of this cult hero at a special meeting in the Grad Club. Opening time. Cost: all the money you can spare. Gay Lib Carpentry House. Build your own closet. 8:30 p.m. cc 110. NDP Campus Association will be discussing how the NDP should go about becoming the government of Ontario. 8:OO p.m. World Room, Campus Centre. Next meeting is planned at 8 p.m. in the world room Tuesday February 1, 2098. AL4 Forum.


University of Waterloo crest enters a new era of  

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