Donors For Boners I hold the pen with my cleavage when I'm writing, no hyperbole. I'm not just a cockblocking extortionist in print, I also play one on tv... welcome to Donors For Boners. It's all about sex. The blog, too. Humour for your funny bone. Literotica that's literate. Opinions that offend and affirm. If you love words and smut, grab a coffee and come in... puns are always free.
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Sunday, 17 June 2012
Life As A Chick On The Internet
It was hot inside the club, the DJ wasn't inspiring the urge to dance and there wasn't enough booze in the place to make me wanna fuck any of the patrons, so after bidding my bitches adieu, I went home early on Friday night. I was a lil drunked up and figured I would throw down some hours typing out some content for this here blog. But the booze was inspiring Starter's Block and I couldn't figure out what to write about. I came to the brilliant conclusion that I could post online and ask for ideas. Object 1
In retrospect, my posting was a hair more ambiguous than it should have been for the forum but for anyone with their dick out of their hand long enough to read it, it's fairly clear that I am requesting ideas. Some people even got it right. I realized, as the responses poured in, that I was being very unDude in my thinking about the case. I posted believing I would, from any number of sources, get a scenario, characters or specific raunchy acts to include as part of some smut tale or other. Much like when the Improv Actors ask the audience for those line items.
Screenshot of a different online forum for hookin' up. "Chats" = Inbox. I shit you not, this is life on the Internet, for women.
I had assumed I would have to translate a few "I'd love to xyz with you, baby" into "I suggest xyz, in the Parlour, with Professor Plum." I assumed I'd get the standard and/or boring, mff, fuck the secretary, bj in the car, meet in a dark alley and etc. Fuck "assuming", we all know it's the wrong approach. By a great stretch of the imagination, presumably one of the 20 dicktures, penis descriptions or videos would be the star cock in the show, and the 40+ offers, to get up to a little sport fucking
and/or other random fantasies strangers have, would be the scenario explored in the story. Which would also make me the star of this literotica by default.. Instead of what I thought I was looking for, I got something else. An idea, bitches! I thought to myself, 'Self, maybe you should give them a little peek into the world as a woman sees it on the Internet'. It doesn't matter which forum(s) (though for those of you who know this one, my post lasted about 1 hour 16 minutes, which we know know is an incredibly long life for a woman's ad in this arena), they're all relatively viable if you have 19 hours a day to filter through the garbage. Akin to feeding yourself out of a dumpster. It's possible but it really will take 19 hours of filtering through garbage to get enough to eat. The handful of guys who put in a lil effort get all the online booty, simple as that.
My ad appears at the top. Below it are the responses I received in one hour. Approximately one a minute while it lasted online, if you're interested in the technical details. Researchers and investigative journalists inquiring, reviews from critics, pretending to have ideas in exchange for real chat, and a myriad of other lame and/or undefined fantasy opportunities for bitches crazy enough to meet a total stranger in the middle of the night. When all I was asking for was a little content to weave into a boneriffic story... And aside from the relatively few people asking if I am real (what does that even mean!?), this is a very good sampling of typical for the bitches. Whatever other bullshit "facts" I may weave into my stories, these are legitimate, completely unaltered responses. And this is what it's like to be a woman on the Internet.
It's not that weird... - w4m (LOCATION OMITTED)
Date: 2012-06-15, 11:47PM EDT Reply to: your anonymous #### address will appear here
I have some free time this weekend soooooo... I'm looking for perverted ideas to incorporate into perverted stories. If you can help a girl out, super! Many thanks. p.s. I'm really for real, definitely not a spambot and I won't redirect you to a website where you have to lend them your car to access content. Or any website, lol. Bon soir!
^ad and attached photo inquiring for smut content
For Fuckin' Real Replies:
*Get any good ideas for your story??? *Did you write your novel? *Hello, When are you available? *Bon soir ma belle :D I think your post is pretty old but hopefully you are still checking your mail! I would absolutely loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to spend hours just massaging and sucking on your incredible boobs !! I would give anything to see you in that white tank top with it all wet and then have you let me suck on your nipples over top of your tank top! Anyway Im 30 I have dirty blond hair blue eyes im 5'9 175 lbs and i have a beautiful circumcised cock that is a little less than 7" with a nice big head on it :P hope you write me back !! xox J### *if your really for real reply with C M B in the subject line i have some perverted ideas that we could do tn if they catch your fancy ;) *hey,
lets get crazy with your wildest ideas this weekend, 26/m/ LOCATION OMITTED, 185lbs, 6'4",,can text u my face pic, ###-###-####... im game for anything. k#### *37 mwm, sub would like to serve u this weekend so that u may be fulfilled. p### +2 dicktures and a fantastic torso shot *Hi there, I am 29 clean professional. Would love to get in touch with a nice woman during the weekend. I am very discrete and real. hope you dont get offended by the pics let me know if interested as well +5 dicktures, none of them worth noting. *hey, 18 m 8" uncut, shaved, DD free, looking for some good experience during this summer (and now :P) Hope you enjoy the pics and we can talk further. :) *would you like to chat with a couple?...be willing to talk on the phone to verify that you are real? *So, if I understand well, you want to talk about sex? Sorry english is not my first language. How old are you? I'm 21. *Hello! I see you're looking for perverted ideas to incorporate into stories... what type of stories are you looking? Are you looking for ideas that are completely raunchy and dirty? Something a little tamer? Trying to draw from experience? I'd love to help you out, I have a creative mind! :) S#### *Hey i was just wondering what of story you where writing? A### *very creative pic....I like it. *Hey there, are you looking to meet? im very open minded, up for some naughty things. let me know
*Heyyy there, just saw your ########## post, thought I'd respond since I am definitely a fan of the creative writing process. The perverted part makes it even better. There's something about two sexually charged strangers meeting in the night, under a lamp on the street corner, loving each other for the first and last time... makes me shiver. I'd love to meet you, you sound fantastic :) Let me know if you're interested Thanks! (a lil later...) *Tell me about your fantasies *so what exactly are you looking to do? + face and weak dickture *HI Yeeah! Itâ€™s the weekend so why donâ€™t we have fun!.I work hard all the time and I need to spice up my life...and yours...lol..So let me know if u want to know more about me Ciao xxx *Are you looking to act out some of these stories or are you just writing a book? Thanks J## BTW I may have 1 or two perverted thoughts and stories. *hey there, I'm all into co-writing a dirty twisted story, I've published a couple a years back but they were more vanilla taste but I' be curious to dabble in, I love writing, working on a play right now but I think some completely different style might help with the block, so , you looking for brand new, or just meat to add t the bones of a story? S### *Nice jugs!! I also have some free time this weekend and you seem to have an awesome body!! Get back @ me if you're interested :) *hey there, 25, good looking, can host .. dd free as well.. interested? +dickture/naked (hot) torso *Hey, let's hook up. 27yo, very muscular and mobile +naked torso, cropped face pic Subject (no message): *hey lets meet i can host *hey. what are you doing tonight? i'm a young fella 31yo looking for something esspecially fun this weekend. trade pics first?
T#### *Interested for sure. ###-###-#### text me and I'll send you a pic. I'm out in LOCATION OMITTED, but would love to know what you're thinking! message sent 12:18, ad deleted by 12:35 *Take a look at our ad and tell us what u think :). LINK OMITTED *(I attach pictures on response - too many bots) So, what exactly are you looking for? If you're looking for a cute guy to act out stories you have in your mind, I'm probably your man. If you're looking for someone to help you write stories, I can be creative, but I also know a friend that writes erotica for a living, he's pretty good at it. *Hi iam looking for NSA but first I very open minded 100 percent Straight . 29 in shape attractive will pic face Photos . Looking for NSA but chat and email get to know each other . Incase of any other things were to happen I do not have any relations without protection thanks tony and I can offer Many stories for u i know *OK, I'm game. I have lots of interesting and perverted ideas. If you want to chat about some of them, get back to me. Cheers ss P.S. nice pic! *are yo availbe tonight -Should you require any further details, please do not hesitate to respond to this email or contact me at *very interested in ur ad (Winner!) *Incorporate dynamite... like the kind used in awesome building demolition or something. If we're going paranormal here, you'll also want to include some superman-esque figure here. Seriously though, I'm a little more plain jane and uncreative... you could do some typical hot neighbour stuff though, where it turns out the neighbour is a total freak (in a good way ;) ). Do you have any work you've done that I could check out -- I've never actually read erotica, but it seems pretty interesting! *hello so any luck yet and what you up too *Do you want to meet or just e-mail?
I have met people before and we just talked and enjoyed each other company, but not into email and virtual chat. Do you want to meet over weekend for coffee, share stories? i have tons to tell you. *How much free time exactly? *Hey, How are you? I'm hoping you really are Real. *are you looking for any body type ? *Hey how are u Iive in LOCATION OMITTED and I have many dirty kinky fantasy's if u are interested *Hey Maybe i can help you with your stories? Am i just giving you ideas or can i be a part of your stories? *hey im young and fit im clean and mobile i can be as dirty as you want *I want to fuck you NOW Just get back to me... We'll go all night. +picture *I am 24 years old, have my own transportation and looking for some uncomplicated fun. I am 6,2 fit body handsome with a great smile and personality If this sounds good to you, send me an email and we can meet up In the pic, I am on the right ;) *Hope to hear from you soon
*Hi there, What kind of perversion are you looking for? I have a rather vivid imagination... *Hey, I'm a real person too lol. I haven't pleased a girl in a while and would love to help you out. I work this weekend during the day but free in the evening. I don't really have a picture of myself but I could take some. I am 20, single and down to earth.
Tell me what you think.. *Hey am 42 good looking and well hung i am 5'10 175lbs and 9in thich cut i am professionnel and very respectfull i can not attach my pics but i will do after your answer i look forward to hear you soon thank *i will be in LOCATION OMITTED Saturday if your still down for some fun. i am a black man, tall from LOCATION OMITTED, let me know *saw your ad on ## and would love to chat if your still looking ... *You wanna be a peeve baby, how about you pretend to be my mother catching me jerking my cock and the. You teach me a lesson ! ;) I'm 20 year old white male , with a slim body and a 7.5+ uncut cock :) I have pocture *Nothing is that weird.... what kind of perverted ideas are you looking? I might just be able to help with you're stories. biting down on those nice little nips would be a hell of a start. *Hi tell me your dirty stories, let me make them come true. + video of him coming from the perspective of balls in the eye, he shot on the camera, I genuinely wonder if he had a rain jacket on it... *How can I help? name is M### and i just cannot sleep right now *I'm interested When and where +4 dicktures *Hi I am 29 5'6 150 GL.I am DD free non smoker and discrete. I have attached my pics. Let me know. I didn't receive his pictures *I am for reall too lol, je suis vraiment intresse a toi, STP J'attends ton message, i am waiting for you....I am still awake a lil later...*did u get my pic lol, let me know please
+ VERY weak dickture, over the toilet like he's about to take a piss *Hey cutie im near LOCATION OMITTED free now or tomoro night i host
*Hi, Read your post on ##, so what kind stuff you looking for? I'm totally a perv and looking to help out. Hope to hear from you. *I'm interested! *What kinds of things are you in to? or fantasize about? (Trying to cater to your needs for these stories lol) *This is my first time responding to a ########## ad! I have never fucked a white girl so this would be a great experience for me if this is real! Respond and let's make this a worldly experience. *what kind of perverted ideas you have in mind sexy? + picture of him holding a fish. A fish, for fuckin' real. *Heyymy names K### Im 28 and was wondering how you are doing tonight
+picture *Hey Just saw your post on craigslist. Im looking for something casual but very passionate and sexy. Im very down to earth and probably one of the nicer guys you would meet. here is a kind of a weak photo but I dont have many. *Hey how are you sweetheart
Posted by Imma Writa at 18:45
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Labels: booty, erotica, fantasies, Friday, how to score, online dating, perspective, pov, reading comprehension, reality,
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Imma Writa Who is the strange and beautiful mind behind Donors For Boners? Are my tales real or imagined? Mine, my cousin's, yours?!? Are the pictures mine or a model I hired in exchange for prints, and then we did it!? Am I really even a chick? Will these and other secrets ever be revealed??? It's like PBS for smut, darlings. You Investors are the reason I can write more smut, plain and simple. Without you, these tales would never come to see the light of day. C'mon, admit it, you're at work reading this right now, aren't you? And it's like a novel you have to read to the end cuz you just hafta know who dunnit... I digress. It's all about you, baby. You are, collectively, Donors For Boners. Wait, I think that came out wrong. I donate the boners, save for the few of you who have consented to sharing your dicktures. I wasn't saying that your existence here gives other people their boners and it's some sort of circle jerk thing, not that there is anything wrong with that. Well, in a literary sense, yes I was saying as much, but you're taking my words and spinning everything around.
You like to read this shit as much as I like to write it. Overhead is killer and you can help. That's really all there is to it. Passive investment opportunity, c'est tout! Every once in a while I will post a tale in it's entirety just cuz I'm reallll nice like that. But if you want the goods, you gotta become an investor. Y'see, until a bitch writes a best seller, it's hard to get the cash advances from the publishers. Your investments are keeping me in toilet paper and juice so I can write a smash hit. Then between royalties and book deals, I'm gonna bankroll my own toilet paper and juice habits and you'll get a return on your investment. That's the cue for "Jenny From The Block" on the soundtrack. Other than access to the rest of the tale(s) that fully entertains the shit out of you to the point that you can't sleep at night for thinking "How does that story end? AAAhhhhgawdaaayyamn, it's all consuming! That bitch is so good at makin' stories outta words, I gotta high five her with a handful of cash! God, maybe her P.O. Box is on her blog (it's not) and I can send it tonight, right now. I'm sure I have stamps somewhere!" and then you look over and notice it's 3:03 in the morning and you have to be up in 3.3 hours, and from the delirium brought on by the smut insomnia you get to thinking that maybe there's some sort of consiracy with all the threes and why the fuck are you thinking about math at 3 in the morning, and etc. When, really, all of that could have been avoided by becoming a Donor For Boners... again, I digress. If you'd rather not invest cuz you haven't actually read a word on this site, but you really want to chat with the cleavage, google chat is an option available to you for $6/minute. Steep? Ya, maybe but if you have all my attention, what of the dear readers? Words take time to string together good, and edit even gooder. And, let's be real for a second, I'm entertaining as all get out. Do you think Sarah Silverman would come and perform in your living room for the same price that you'd pay for a ticket in an auditorium full of entertainment seekers? On that note, I loves you, and I appreciate all the support you Donors For Boners give, even if it is ultimately some sort of a coerced literary cock block ransom payment, which technically makes me an extortionist who specializes in typing with three fingers on two hands rather than the traditional specialization in guns, kidnapping victims, blackmail photos, recorded conversations that implicate the shit out of a person, and etc. Happy Reading! ... That's it, reading. Time is money, and your investment of time, only serves to prove that the words are time worthy. Thank you for that. xo
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