Donors For Boners I hold the pen with my cleavage when I'm writing, no hyperbole. I'm not just a cockblocking extortionist in print, I also play one on tv... welcome to Donors For Boners. It's all about sex. The blog, too. Humour for your funny bone. Literotica that's literate. Opinions that offend and affirm. If you love words and smut, grab a coffee and come in... puns are always free.
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Saturday, 7 July 2012
"Can I borrow a feeling?"
It's kinda funny that when I actually ask for dicktures, you guys get all shy and quiet. Is it that you enjoy the risk of being exposed, were a stranger to share your dicktures but turning that fantasy into the reality of becoming a potentially semi-famous dick is too scary? What gives? Usually I'm beating them off with a stick... that didn't come out right...
Honesty is the best policy. This guy is consistent with it, which is favourable to any lady keeping score, and it culminates in you scoring, sometimes.
I have hundreds of unsolicited dicktures... hundreds, maybe thousands. But they're kinda no good to me without permission to post 'em. And fucked if I'm going to start a conversation with someone(s) best avoided, just to get material for this fucking blog. I talk to enough assholes in the course of a week- I mean, who responds to a dating profile, of a woman you'd presumably really like to spend time with, with a picture of their cock? No greeting, or discourse, civil or otherwise. Just the cock. The answer is: lots of people. So, if it's not the fantasy of being exposed motivating those attachments, it's a matter of wanting to expose oneself to an unwilling audience, otherwise known as flashing, otherwise known as sexual assault. Creepy. Regardless, the ironic nature of this predickament isn't lost on me. I did warn you Dear Readers that chicks asking for dicktures generally aren't chicks. But, there are the exceptions to every rule. In this instance, I am asking for a purpose, greater than my own petty masturbation needs... which brings me to another point in this unfocused rant: Why is it so easy to find people who want to kill time at fairly meaningless pursuits but when it comes to productive ends, even the ones that require very little effort on your part, y'all scatter? Here's a little tip for ya: If you want the girl's attention, and the booty prize sometimes attached to that familiarity, you'll have a much greater chance if you can be of some use to her beyond having a cock... almost every man has a penis. It's simply not enough to stand out from the crowd, even if it is among the most amazing cocks of all time.
No... I have over 1700. And that's because I've knocked it down, looking for dicktures...
Speaking of amazing and cock, I was privy to one of the top five, possibly top three, of all time dicktures last night, in my quest to gather material for y'all to be entertained by. The irony wasn't lost on that one either. I find a sample worthy of sharing and he won't let me use it. It's so good I'm tempted to just have him assassinated so I can write this fucking article without any copyright infringement troubles but alas, I lost all my contacts when my phone died and it's even harder to find a gunman for hire than it is to find dicktures willing to be seen on my blog. And aside from being hot, he seems like a nice and interesting fellow so I can't even shittalk him for denying you readers content worth being exposed to. I will report on a phenomenon that is equally dismal and selfish. The "show me your tits and I'll give you some weak material you can work really hard to make usable". It's like trying to pay for Microsoft stock with Canadian Tire Money and then demanding to see Bill and Melissa go at it.
This is the fairest demand for a boner I have yet to encounter. This guy gets that I am a writer, not a model. We'll see if he delivers on his promise.
This guy doesn't get it about words being worth a thousand pictures, and this is far more typical of the communications I receive.
Can I take a moment to point out that Blogger is a free, all access forum, so you're not even paying in Canadian Tire Money, which is actually useful some of the time. So, to all you twats, who wanna be acting like I'm trying to scam you into some pay site or other, can fuck y'selves, even more than usual. It's hilariously funny when people accuse others of trying to earn a living honestly, like it was murder and
rape, and not necessarily in that order.
This guy gets who donates what. He was smart, or lucky, enough to develop reading comprehension. It's amazing and rare, gold star for you, Mister!!
If I was a stripper I'd receive no less bullshit from the Nut Gallery. But as I have pointed out numerous times, I am a writer, not a model. I work to pay for life, like most people, and entertain you for free with this blog while I build a cult following large enough to yield book sales someday down the road. How many hours do you spend volunteering for literacy every week? Ya, exactly, "It's STFU o'clock" with your illinformed, and/or crazy biases about adult entertainers. Unless you really do volunteer for literacy efforts and then what could I really say to you? Frankly, I wouldn't have to because you're one of seventeen others on the planet, with the capacity to make your own pictures in your head...
This is just for you, Mister!
It's not fucking rocket science, it's a business plan. Wildly transparent in all of it's simplicity, and obviously far too complex a concept for some. In a world of liars, no one believes ya when you're tellin' the truth... didn't the same shit happen when tried this before? Only I got more dicktures that time.
I think he thinks I have some technology they're not talking about in the mainstream.
In conclusion, I'm not trying to convert prudes to a life of debaucherous exhibitionism. I am being upfront about finally having a use for all these dicktures and asking permission to use yours if you are so inclined to want to share it.
I have this file saved as "riveting" but in all fairness, this single photo sums up my point entirely. Thank you boner donor! Twice, I guess ;)
Of course, I'll always find ways to use the shit I do come across, as can be seen blatantly by those of you who are reading these musings. And either way, we have fun, and that's all that really matters.
Add caption... I'm making it into a contest, so we can all have fun with it!
p.s. I didn't coin the term 'dickture', but I don't think you can copyright language development anyway.
Posted by Imma Writa at 13:50
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Labels: advice, booty, cock, dating, dickture, exhibitionist, fantasy, flasher, free, irony, model, pay, pictures, rape, reading comprehension, sex, stripper, tits, writer Reactions: Object 2
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Imma Writa Who is the strange and beautiful mind behind Donors For Boners? Are my tales real or imagined? Mine, my cousin's, yours?!? Are the pictures mine or a model I hired in exchange for prints, and then we did it!? Am I really even a chick? Will these and other secrets ever be revealed??? It's like PBS for smut, darlings. You Investors are the reason I can write more smut, plain and simple. Without you, these tales would never come to see the light of day. C'mon, admit it, you're at work reading this right now, aren't you? And it's like a novel you have to read to the end cuz you just hafta know who dunnit... I digress. It's all about you, baby. You are, collectively, Donors For Boners. Wait, I think that came out wrong. I donate the boners, save for the few of you who have consented to sharing your dicktures. I wasn't saying that your existence here gives other people their boners and it's some sort of circle jerk thing, not that there is anything wrong with that. Well, in a literary sense, yes I was saying as much, but you're taking my words and spinning everything around. You like to read this shit as much as I like to write it. Overhead is killer and you can help. That's really all there is to it. Passive investment opportunity, c'est tout! Every once in a while I will post a tale in it's entirety just cuz I'm reallll nice like that. But if you want the goods, you gotta become an investor. Y'see, until a bitch writes a best seller, it's hard to get the cash advances from the publishers. Your investments are keeping me in toilet paper and juice so I can write a smash hit. Then between royalties and book deals, I'm gonna bankroll my own toilet paper and juice habits and you'll get a return on your investment. That's the cue for "Jenny From The Block" on the soundtrack. Other than access to the rest of the tale(s) that fully entertains the shit out of you to the point that you can't sleep at night for thinking "How does that story end? AAAhhhhgawdaaayyamn, it's all consuming! That bitch is so good at makin' stories outta words, I gotta high five her with a handful of cash! God, maybe her P.O. Box is on her blog (it's not) and I can send it tonight, right now. I'm sure I have stamps somewhere!" and then you look over and notice it's 3:03 in the morning and you have to be up in 3.3 hours, and from the delirium brought on by the smut insomnia you get to thinking that maybe there's some sort of consiracy with all the threes and why the fuck are you thinking about math at 3 in the morning, and etc. When, really, all of that could have been avoided by becoming a Donor For Boners... again, I digress. If you'd rather not invest cuz you haven't actually read a word on this site, but you really want to chat with the cleavage, google chat is an option available to you for $6/minute. Steep? Ya, maybe but if you have all my attention, what of the dear readers? Words take time to string together good, and edit even gooder. And, let's be real for a second, I'm entertaining as all get out. Do you think Sarah Silverman would come and perform in your living room for the same price that you'd pay for a ticket in an auditorium full of entertainment seekers? On that note, I loves you, and I appreciate all the support you Donors For Boners give, even if it is ultimately some sort of a coerced literary cock block ransom payment, which technically makes me an extortionist who specializes in typing with three fingers on two hands rather than the traditional specialization in guns, kidnapping victims, blackmail photos, recorded conversations that implicate the shit out of a person, and etc. Happy Reading! ... That's it, reading. Time is money, and your investment of time, only serves to prove that the words are time worthy. Thank you for that. xo
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