THE
When The Table was first written, I was in the middle of studying Psalm 23 and I had been meditating and talking to God about verse 5. I was curious why He would choose to set a table for me in the presence of my enemies (so many great commentaries dive into this topic if you want more information), and even more curious who my enemies were.
The Table unfolded like a scene in my mind one morning while I was getting ready for the day. As I finished up my morning routine I went straight to my computer and began to write the thoughts that flowed through my head. As I finished writing, tears streamed down my face and it felt like heavy chains had been broken off.
Previous to that morning I had gone through a season of depression that was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I didn’t feel abandoned to the darkness and pain, but experienced God’s love and His unhurried timing as I wrestled out big questions and my identity. At the tail end of that season He poured out some of the most extravagant and unimaginable gifts of my life, ones that still cause me to pinch myself just to see if they were all real.
The Table is a creative picture of that year-long journey I experienced with God. This journey expanded my view of who God is, broke lifelong chains that were holding me back from freedom and instilled a joy that I continue to stand firm on today.
You have this devotional in your hand right now because you heard The Table read aloud and it stirred something within you. Or, someone else heard The Table and you came to mind as someone they want to share it with. My hope in creating this piece is that you will carve out some space to spend time in conversation with God to hear what He has prepared for you.
Welcome to The Table. Enjoy each bite!
Kelli Coltman kelli@kellicoltman.com
He sets the table and invites me to take a seat next to Him.
While settling in I quickly notice we are not alone. Across the table from me sits Anger, Doubt, Confusion, Shame, and the twins, Significance and Success. For as often as I listen to their counsel you would think we are friends. But we are not.
Taking in the grandeur of the table setting, I am aware that the meal to come will not be simple, but rather a feast with many courses.
I will never forget how difficult it was to swallow the first bite of that first course placed before me. It got stuck in my throat several times before I got it down. God had offered me this plate multiple times in the past, delicious bites of true Unconditional Love, but because it looked so foreign, I didn’t think I would like it. As I ate, it became easier to swallow and the flavors were more delicious with each bite. I lingered on the flavor of tangible love from friends and family when I have nothing to offer them in return. I savored the taste of relief that came from this unimaginable type of love. Too often I opt for my performance version of this course and thought it tasted pretty good. But it was nothing in comparison to the complex flavor that God had prepared and presented. Each bite continues to reveal more and more indulgent combinations of flavors as I enjoy it.
As the first plate was being cleared, Anger speaks up through gritted teeth.
“Sure, that tasted good. But what will you have to sacrifice in order to enjoy the next course?”
Anger continues, only his voice grows louder with each word.
“You know He did not just prepare this for your enjoyment. He has ALWAYS required something of you and it ALWAYS ends with you losing more of yourself! That you believe He loves you without condition just proves to me that you are naive and weak! It will be easy for me to take you out!”
Doubt chimes in with softly spoken questions.
“Does God even love you? Are you sure He even knows what you like? Isn’t this all just to trick you into doing something for Him? Maybe He is the enemy. The true cause of all your pain? I bet He would be so disappointed to know you have these questions, too. I am going to work with Confusion to keep you asking questions instead of seeking answers. Truth can’t be found, so why bother looking? Shame will help keep you quiet and alone. If anyone knew who you really were and the questions you had, would they even want to be around you?”
Shame laughs as she reaches across the table and grabs my fork. While her laugh still rings loudly in my ears, God sets course number two in front of me complete with a new set of utensils. A paired drink accompanies the plate to enhance the flavor. I sip on confession first and let it roll around on my tongue to let the taste become really familiar. As I do, I look up and see joy and delight radiating from God’s face. I will never forget that look and how near to me He is during this course. Then I took a huge delightful bite of grace. I hadn’t realized it at first, but God is feeding me this course Himself.
Shame keeps trying to snatch the fork away but is again unsuccessful in her efforts. Bite after bite, my starving soul is filling with the most incredible life-giving food I had ever known. I have often heard about this course, and even eaten some of it before on my own. But it tastes so different being fed to me by my savior. He alone knows how to make the perfect bite complete with all the flavors on the plate. There is forgiveness mixed with love and delight finishing with sweet peace that was far superior to the fear I had been feasting on. Fear that has kept me starving and undernourished.
Course three follows quickly after the second. God somehow seems to be bigger in the room as he places before me a plate full of Celebration. All of my favorite things are on the plate and in abundance! I can hardly believe my eyes. SO MUCH GOODNESS! This is the biggest plate I have ever seen, and I swear it has the writing on the rim that reminds me of the birthday plate from my childhood. “You are Special,” it read, and I can’t wait to dig in. As I pick up my fork, it is ridiculously heavy. My forearms strain in pain trying to lift it. I manage to turn it over to see Doubt’s name engraved on the back. Doubt had quietly managed to give me her fork to use for this round.
Along with it came more of those softly spoken questions.
“How much do you think this course costs? Can you afford to eat it? Will it hurt to eat?
It is so decadent, maybe it would be better for you not to partake? Maybe it would make you feel closer to God if you didn’t eat it. You know, share in Jesus’ suffering.”
God watches my struggle to take even one bite. With a gentle kiss on my forehead He places a new set of utensils to use in front of me. This simple gesture changes the entire atmosphere of the room. A victory has been declared over me and everyone at the table is acutely aware of it. He lifts the heavy fork of Doubt without strain and encourages me to enjoy the of the next course.
I start with the cake! I love cake! God knows it’s my favorite and that I have the sweet tooth of a five-year-old. This cake looks delicious, and it does not disappoint. It is absolutely the best cake I have ever tasted. The frosting to cake ratio, perfect. The buttercream frosting was creamy and sweet. The cake itself was airy and light with enough body to it that it presses beautifully between the fork prongs. Some of the other foods on my plate I have always wanted to try but thought it would be too rich for my body to handle. Glancing sideways at God, ready to dive in, I ask, “Can I really eat this?” God nods and then laughs with me as I squeal in delight at its goodness. I feel so alive! Each bite causes more life, more joy, and more delight until I can hardly believe that there was this kind of enjoyment to experience. God and I continue to laugh as I unashamedly lick the plate clean to get every last bit of goodness.
Throughout this part of the meal we talk excitedly about how to offer this plate to others so that they too can experience it. My cup is overflowing by the end of this course, but no mess is made.
It is being gathered so that I can share a taste of what I have enjoyed so much with anyone willing to try it.
God tells me the next course will take some time to prepare. He doesn’t share with me how long it will take, if it is a lot of time or a little, but while it is being prepared, He is by my side to continue our conversation and enjoy each other’s company.
Still relishing the glow and satisfaction of the last course I sit back in my chair and sip some water. A plate of food is being pushed my way by the twins, Significance and Success. At first, I pay no attention to it or them, but am aware of the plate’s presence on the table. I am so satisfied, more food, especially that food, has no appeal.
Before long though, I begin to take sideways glances at the plate. I notice that most of the food on that plate are comfort foods that are familiar to me. I am still not hungry, but I have a habit of reaching for food when I am not hungry. I have tasted this plate before. It looks beautiful and tastes pretty good too, but it has never satisfied the hunger I have. It fades quickly in my stomach leaving me hungrier than before.
God softly says I have the choice to eat the food from that plate, but it is not the course He is preparing for me to enjoy next. He warns that the food on that plate clouds my vision and impairs my hearing because it doesn’t contain all the nutrients in it that enlivens my senses making me most available to fully experience Him. God gently reminds me that when I eat from self-made Success and Significance it makes Him appear far and silent, when in fact He has not moved or gone quiet.
Success and Significance speak in sync with the other.
“All Christians that God is proud of eat from this plate. They don’t have to depend on God like you do. They make God look good. They are strong and courageous. They write books, lead large ministries, do big acts of service.
Sure, you are a child of the King, but aren’t all believers? That doesn’t mean anything. Use the fork God gave you to eat from this plate. God will love you more if you show Him how much you are like him in creating your own course. It may take time away from God to make it, but He will understand. He wants you to be independent, self-sufficient, and definitely need Him less. That is what successful Christianity looks like.”
Their smooth deep voices have a deceptive authority about them that can often convince me they are right and lead me to believe that this plate is godly and not an attempt to self-serve or self-save.
But this time around, I choose not to eat from the plate The Twins have offered. I am surprised at my contentment with what God has fed me. This lasting satisfaction is definitely a new sensation for me.
Anger, Doubt, Confusion, Shame, and The Twins, Significance and Success, are harder to hear now. They are still present, and I am aware they have plenty to say, but my focus is no longer drawn to their side of the table.
A rack of the most beautiful gowns has just been brought out from the corner of the room for me to try on. I saw them before the meal began and feared that none of them would fit me well, but now I can’t wait to put them on. They have been designed and sewn with the most beautiful materials I have ever seen. Colors of compassion and kindness. Trims of humility and gentleness with overlays of patience. Each one designed to fit me perfectly Dressed in these things I am more convinced than ever that I am God’s chosen daughter.
“You are holy and dearly loved,”
He whispers.
Standing before Him in radiant light, nourished by His love, and strengthened with power that is not my own, I believe Him.
Questions for Reflection
Read Psalm 23 from beginning to end (out loud if possible) and take notice of anything that stands out to you as you read. Spend a few minutes in prayer asking God about what stood out and if He has anything more to say to you about those things. Write down what comes to mind. I encourage you to be curious about your answers and thoughts that come to mind. Wonder about your thoughts, instead of telling yourself what you should think Now, let your imagination envision The Table that God has prepared for you. Spend some time reflecting on the following questions.
1 2 3 4 5 6
If God prepared a Table in the presence of your enemies, who or what would be sitting across the table from you?
What are some of the things said by these enemies that keep you from believing what is true?
If sat at The Table, where do you experience God in the room? For example, is He close by? Is He far away? What is He doing? Why do you think He is where He is?
If served a plate of celebration, what would be on it? (It doesn’t have to be food. It could be a place you love, an activity you enjoy, how do you like to celebrate?)
What do you have the habit of reaching for in between the courses provided by God? Where do you think that habit came from? Would you want that habit to be broken? Why or Why not?
How have you experienced the love of God in your life?
Kelli Coltman lives in Southern California with her husband, Chad, and their three children Lainey, Katie, and Liam. A graduate of Biola University, earning a BA in Psychology and a minor in Biblical Studies, Kelli is a perpetual student of people and what brings them most to life. She is particularly passionate about women genuinely understanding their exceptional value, experiencing true freedom and confidently using their skills and talents. Over the years Kelli has worked with various women’s organizations and ministries that work to fulfill these passions as well, like those advocating for physical freedom from the sex slave industry or those promoting mental wellbeing and life-giving relationships with others. Kelli attends Rockharbor Church in Costa Mesa, CA where she is a volunteer leader and lay counselor. If given an afternoon to herself, you would find her enjoying the beach, exploring an art museum, or laughing too loudly with friends over a delicious meal.
KELLI COLTMAN 2020
