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“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” – Albert Einstein Issue #269

May, 2014

Grade A, Number One, Fortified Political Humor! Formerly the Comic Press News

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May, 2014


Editor’s Letter Income inequality has become a big issue lately, and that’s a good thing. For too long we have simply accepted that some people at the top deserve to earn 300 or more times what average workers earn. As if one person’s work was really worth $7,000 an hour while another’s is worth just a little over 7 bucks an hour (at the bottom). I don’t care how smart your CEO is, or how little education a fast food worker has (although many are quite well educated), that’s just obscene. Some will say the top earners deserve their pay. While I don’t begrudge success born of true hard work and diligence, in most cases, these folks have simply been in the right place at the right time. Born to the right family, gone to the best schools, handed cushy entry-level jobs a typical service worker would die for. And here’s the main point: We all built this economy, this country, this world. CEOs could not have done it on their own. The smartest guy in the world needs a big company of hard workers to accomplish anything of value. He needs the infrastructure this great (once-great?) country provides. He needs the educational system that prepared his underlings, the stable society, the work of legions before him that built it. We all contribute to the economy, and the efficiency with which we work has never been greater. And yet, only a very, very few at the top reap the gains we as a society have wrought. This is wrong. However, the income gap is really just a small part of the problem. As a new book by the French economist Thomas Piketty shows, it’s the inherited wealth that is really transforming this country, and the world, into an oligarchy: rule by the rich. Basically, we’re allowing the rule of kings to come back into vogue. Democracy is dying. Bill Moyers on the book “Capital in the Twenty-First Century” by Piketty:

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Here’s one of its extraordinary insights: we are heading into a future dominated by inherited wealth as capital concentrates in fewer and fewer hands, giving the very rich ever greater power over politics, government, and society. “Patrimonial capitalism” is the name for it, and it has potentially terrifying consequences for democracy. For those who work for a living, the level of inequality in the US, writes Piketty, is “probably higher than in any other society, at any time in the past, anywhere in the world.” Over three decades, between 1977 and 2007, 60 percent of our national income went to the richest 1 percent of Americans. No wonder this is the one book the 1% doesn’t want the other 99 percent to read. One way to level the playing field again, and bring back a government of the people, by the people and for the people, is to reinstate the big inheritance and captial gains taxes of yesteryear. The term “death tax” has been widely used in recent times by those who want to eliminate the estate tax, and it has been an effective tool. But the reality is, without it, we are allowing a takeover of our society and government by the very rich.

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The Humor Times (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 23, Issue 269, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95603. Publisher: James LeDoux. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: P. Beckert, Steve Benson, Jeff Boldt, Ruben Bolling, Chris Britt, Jon Carter, Paul Combs, Will Durst, Argus Hamilton, Walt Handelsman, Jim Hightower, David Horsey, Ben Krull, Dick Locher, Chan Lowe, Mike Luckovich, Gary Markstein, Jack Ohman, Dan Piraro, Marshall Ramsey, Rob Rogers, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Drew Sheneman, Scott Stantis, Dana Summers, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Dan Wasserman and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2014. No part may be reproduced without permission.

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May, 2014

HUMOR TIMES

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‘Free’ Speech: Rolls Royce Edition The Supremes made it even easier for big money...

to throw its weight around.

Things go better with the Koch brothers...

at least, that’s their motto.

Justice Roberts says it’s a match made in heaven...

It’s called direct deposit democracy...

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and the 1% agrees.

and the proof is in the pudding.

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2014


Health Scare Obama let the HHS director go...

but Dems are still toeing the line.

even though problems have cropped up.

Repubs remain adamant, however...

that there’s another way...

but it’s a hard sell.

Meanwhile, signups continue...

May, 2014

and deadlines have been extended.

HUMOR TIMES

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Let’s Get Lethaler You’d think Americans have enough stuff to worry about. Severe drought desiccating a third of the country. A political system whose major talent is demonstrating stasis in action. The rich using the poor as fleshy paving stones for the road to mansions on the hill. Ben Affleck as Batman. But, guess what? Apparently we don’t have enough stuff to worry about, because now we’re running out of ways to kill people. Legally, that is. Accidentally and illegally we’re doing just fine. One might even say it’s become a robust and vigorous pursuit. I’m talking about carrying out the death penalty, although the word “penalty” always seems to criminally understate the case. Over the years, civilizations have evolved in how to rid themselves of their various nefarious. They cycled through stoning, strangulation, beheading, death by 1000 cuts, hanging, firing squad, guillotine, electric chair, before finally settling on poison, deemed the most humane. First the gas chamber and now, even humaner — lethal injection. So humane, we swab the injection point with alcohol, which is like repainting the shutters before burning down a house. Problem is, the producer of the go-to lethal injection drug, Thiopental, stopped making it. States have turned to a different drug called Pentobarbital, but the Danish manufacturer didn’t enjoy being associated with executions, and pulled the plug. Now,

the states’ Departments of Killing People on Purpose are resorting to unreliable and possibly illegal sources, and refusing to reveal those methods; meaning for all we know, they could be shooting inmates up with Drano flavored Jell-O. These death penalty punishments are being carried out on behalf of We the People: so We the People should have a say in the process. It’s the 21st Century, for crum’s sake. Why not kill the condemned creatively? Film it for pay-per-view. Strike a deal with Amazon Prime and make some coin on the back end. There’s tons of ways to end a miscreant’s life that would be a barrel of fun to watch and still insure justice gets done. For instance, imagine the merriment to be shared if a convicted man were forced to spend an entire evening in the company of Joan Rivers. Death would not only be instantaneous, it would be hilarious. Or what if one of the soon-to-be-deceased were dispatched to act as Chris Christie’s pedicab driver when visiting Atlantic City? Perhaps a position could be arranged as Vladimir Putin’s Ukrainian food taster. Becoming Barack Obama’s personal pollster would certainly drive any sane man mad. Sen tenc ing den i zens of death row to carry Mi chael Bloomberg’s ego might be an amusing spectacle. Or would that

WILL DURST

be considered cruel and unusual? Assign a death penalty subject as sole salesmen at the only New York City based Foot Locker to distribute the next release of Air Jordan classics. Forced to endure an entire season on “Dancing With the Stars” as Chelsea Handler’s partner. An excruciating proposition. Spend the Christmas season in Times Square dressed in the Disney character costume of Iago from “Aladdin.” I’ve got 3 words for you, people: CSI: Miami binge-a-thon. And finally, the state could force the reprobate to wear Google Glass into dive bars all over the Mission District of San Francisco. And the beauty of it is: they function as their own cameraman. Tina Turner, Mad Max, Al Gore and You According to a new UN report, there’s good news and bad news about global warming. The good news — it’s worse than we thought. Yeah. That’s the good news. The bad news — you don’t want to know. Because then there’s worse news and ultimately, “holy moley, is that an asteroid the size of a mini-mall crushing my house” news. The same kind of news a doctor offers up after inviting you into his office, closing the door and advising you to sit down. Or your lawyer recommending a friend who “specializes in this sort of thing, but I warn you, he’s not cheap.” A mechanic walking slowly from your car, wiping his hands on a rag, sadly shaking his head. Or when a spouse’s packed bags are stacked near the front door and a voice from the kitchen intones: “We need to talk.” After delivering their communique describing how not only has global warming already arrived, but it’s unpacked, made friends with the dog, is sleeping on the couch and drinking daddy’s bourbon that he thinks nobody knows is behind the Wheat Thins; the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change threw up its hands and ran screaming from the room. The unreported nature of these actions can be chalked up to being considered normal activity at the UN. Remember about 10 years ago, when the IPCC told the world that something had to be done soon or all hell was going to break loose? Well, guess what? Nothing was done and all hell has broken loose. You can actually see chunks of it littering the outskirts of Phoenix. With Lucifer himself haunting the halls of the Arizona State Capitol. The gist of the statement is instead of wasting time on political gridlock strangling all efforts to diminish global warming, we need to learn to live with it. Seriously. That’s what they said. Their recommended strategy has evolved from halting climate change to surviving it. From mitigation to adaption. No more trying to keep gas out of the basement, now we concentrate on not lighting any matches. Turns out, Al Gore was right. Next we’ll discover he really did invent the internet. Time to wave bye-bye to certain South Sea Islanders, unless they begin building a big bunch of boats real soon. Europe will need to increase flood insurance coverage exponentially. Sales of air conditioners in the US are destined to skyrocket like condom sales in a bus station brothel, and Australia might just want to pack up and move. Now. Its not just increased temperatures and rising sea levels and more severe weather and ocean acidification and species extinctions and multi-ecosystem collapse and slathering on sunblock 8000 and polar bears wandering Winnipeg; they’re also predicting violent conflicts over dwindling food supplies and fresh water. Like the beer cooler at a 7-11 on Bourbon St. the Saturday before Mardi Gras. So for all you survivalists who have always imagined living like a post-civilization Mad Max fighting feral dogs for scraps while fending off leather- clad, Mohawk- sporting punks, your dreams may have finally come true. Hey, this could be fun. Especially if you’re Tina Turner. And secretly, who here among us, isn’t? Will Durst is a nationally acclaimed, award-winning political stand-up comedian and writer. His column has been published in the Humor Times magazine for over 20 years. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his CDs, including “Elect to Laugh,” and check his calendar of personal appearances, including his hit one-man show, “Boomeraging: From LSD to OMG.”

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HUMOR TIMES

May, 2014


Unhinged As the gun debate rolls on...

certain things are becoming clear to everyone.

Even the GOP House leader agrees...

that the mentally ill and guns don’t mix.

Of course, the NRA continues to pack the heat...

in fomenting violence.

May, 2014

and cultural factors are huge...

Meanwhile, some states are passing very questionable laws.

HUMOR TIMES

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Safety Last

Survival Mode Some believe that their beliefs can change facts...

It’s a maddening cycle...

and there may only be one solution.

and that time is on thier side...

Management remains unfazed... but it’s not that easy.

but there’s a solution for that, too.

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Meanwhile, beachfront property may lose its value.

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2014


The Hightower Lowdown Let’s Re-fund America The powerhouses of Wall Street have tunneled directly into the cloistered backrooms of Washington deal-making, extracting trillions of dollars worth of government bailouts, special tax breaks and regulatory favors every year. Yet, in a stupefying act of hypocrisy, they have also been the major force pushing policymakers to embrace extreme laissez-faire bunkum and to inflict the most austere budgetary minginess on the American people. Through their lobbyists, front groups, economic shills, media hacks and the politicians they’ve purchased, these pampered princes of high finance have gained a stranglehold on policy, choking off the public investment that our country desperately needs. In a nonstop drone, their operatives chant: “America is broke. Fiscal doom looms. Government spending is the cause. Austerity policies are our only hope.” And Washington is buying this snake oil. As we’ve seen, food stamp funding was stripped from the farm bill; benefits for the long-term unemployed were allowed to expire; job training programs are being cut and Republicans are fran ti cally try ing to de rail and defund Obamacare to keep millions of uninsured Americans from getting health coverage.

Seeing all of this, George Will, the GOP’s high priest of the plutocratic order, is exultant. In an October Fox News appearance, he declared victory for the laissez-fairyites, noting that they have taken control of Washington’s conversation on public spending: “We are now talking entirely on Republican terms, in Republican vocabulary. No taxes, how much is the spending going to be cut? The federal workforce is being cut.” No doubt the debate in Will’s tiny circle is focused entirely on shrinking America into its dark vision of parsimonious plutocracy. But I find that most peo ple, liv ing way out side George’s bubble of elites, have a far bigger vision of what America can be, and they’re engaged in a less constipated conversation about ways to meet our country’s budgetary needs. If you review opinion polls, hear the results of door-to-door outreach campaigns, or just have a few real con ver sa tions at var i ous chat-and-chew cafes, you’ll tap into ordinary peo ple’s sim mer ing an ger at the Wall Street/Washington axis that’s dictating a harsh normal of economic inequality, declining opportunity and diminished democratic control. The elites are constantly monkey-wrenching the public’s ability to act together, thus limiting our

nation’s possibilities and causing America’s present drift from world leader to mediocrity. This undermining of the workaday Americans goes against the very essence of America, from our egalitarian ideals to our can-do spirit. We must create a politics that directly confronts the narcissistic nabobs who’re knocking down our people and our country — and rally an increasingly restive workaday majority to come together in an expansive, aggressive effort to Re-fund America. For example: As the richest country in the history of the world, the USA ought to have the TOP public education system, not one of the worst among wealthy nations. Forget dismantling Obamacare. Improve it to Medicare-for-all. Let’s re-establish our technological supremacy, from building the green economy of the future to reaching boldly again into outer space. Our priceless system of public parks should be flourishing and expanding, not firing park rangers and locking entry gates. Rather than succumbing to a bleak future of low-wage, part-time, temporary, no-security jobs, let’s publicly invest in full employment, world-class skills and technology that works for workers. Restore democratic power with public financing of all election campaigns, enact labor

JIM HIGHTOWER law reforms so workers themselves can democratize the workplace and encourage the development of co-ops as an alternative to corporate control of the economy. That’s an America that is worthy of ALL of us — a society of historic democratic vision, genuine opportunity for all and a shared prosperity. Most people would feel good about bringing children into that world. That’s the America we should strive to be. “On the one side, we have a mountain of scientific evidence, on the other, ideology and arm-waving. On that basis, we are endangering our grandchildren’s future and pushing humanity toward the destruction of civilization.” – Geochemist James Lawrence Powell “Our house is on fire. Rather than argue about how fast it’s burning, we need to start throwing buckets of water.” – Michael Brune, Director, Sierra Club

Unhinged Search crews continued to hold out hope...

as did cable news, that a new story would break...

one they could sink their teeth into.

May, 2014

Meanwhile, air travel carries on.

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


“We Report, You Decry!” Michael Phelps Hopes to Make Big Splash with “Bong-ercise” Exercise Book, DVD 22-time Olympic medal winner Michael Phelps made a big splash today announcing his comeback to competitive swimming.

One of the reasons, Phelps claimed, was a desire to share his secrets to athletic success with a new exercise book and DVD — “Bong-ercise.” “When I have a need for speed I turn to weed,” said Phelps, then giggled as he explained, “In fact I’m high right now and rhymes make giggle.” The workouts will include a chapter entitled, “If You Take a Hit, You Won’t Quit.” Phelps said it’s one of his favorite training regimes. Phelps: “You have a friend or coach place donuts or potato chips at each end of the pool. You then take a giant bong hit. Trust me, the munchies will do the rest.” Added Phelps: “And, guys, let me tell you, I can’t guarantee ‘Bong-ercise’ will make you more virile, but I can’t tell you how times I’ve been asked ‘is that a bong in your Speedos or are you just glad to see me?’” Phelps said he believed using marijuana was one of the reasons for his athletic longevity, pointing out, “The only joint pain I have is when I don’t have a joint.” Mr. Phelps chose not to take any questions, instead choosing to ask reporters, “So, dudes, what do you think about me swimming in dreadlocks?” By Paul Lander, HT Senior Stoned Olympian Correspondent.

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Russia: Obama Nixing ‘Red Line’ in Favor of ‘Squiggly Doodle’

Jon Stewart Leaving Daily Show to Start JON Channel

“Red lines are so harsh and final,” says prez

The Daily Show is one man poorer this morning with the announcement that Jon Stewart is now rich enough to own himself and is quitting Comedy Central and the Daily Show. Following in the footsteps of Oprah Winfrey with her de velopment of her OWN (Oprah Winfrey Net wor k) cable television netw o r k , Stewart has decided to start the JON (Jon’s JON Channel: All Jon, all the time. Own Network) network, which should be up and operational by the end of May. A spokesperson for HBO, owners of Comedy Central, where Jon Stewart has honed his craft as the top parody news show host on cable for the past 15 years, claims this move wasn’t really a shock for anyone. “Jon has been talking about going solo for about a y ear or so now,” said Shel don Finkelstein, programming director at Comedy Central and shareholder in the new JON venture. Al though Stew art’s net worth, hov er ing around the $80 million mark, is nowhere near Oprah Winfrey’s estimated $2.9 billion net worth, Stewart decided to start small. Because Comedy Central owns the rights to Stewart’s name outright, and he can’t buy his name back with the paltry amount he has in the bank, Stewart plans on changing his name to simply JON. “It’s a gamble,” said the multi-talented comedian, writer, actor, and now owner of himself, “but in the long run, it’s something I felt compelled to try.” “In the end,” said Stewart, “it’s not about making people laugh so much as it is a matter of pride. “At what point do we ask ourselves, ‘really? A black woman is one of the richest Americans on the planet?’” Reported by P. Beckert, HT Senior Correspondent Correspondent.

As Ukraine sits on the brink of a full-scale international conflict and P u t i n d e ba tes o ve r whether or not to make Kiev Russia’s new capital, Pres i dent Obama has decided to defuse ten sions by chang ing those old and prickly ulti ma tums with softer, less judgmental suggestions. In a symbolic gesture hearkening back to the famous “red line” drawn before the darkest hours of the Syrian conflict, the President sent the Russian powers a picture of a multicolored, squiggly thing, representing his new, fun approach to these tense situations. “I see now where I went wrong with the Syrian debacle,” Obama offered at a press conference. “Red lines are so harsh and final — there’s no room to maneuver and no going back (usually). This meandering doodle, however, even though it technically still has lines, gives

all parties a lot more leeway, and certainly mitigates any potential political backlash on our end.” “It’s also a sub tle psychological message that says, ‘Hey, Russia, if you want to color outside the lines, go ahead. We a re n’t go in g t o s que lc h y our geopolitical creativity.” This progressive diplomatic policy is inspiring map mak ers and educational publishers to reinvent the way we view world geography — rejecting tired, old traditional boundaries for fresher, more artistic expressions (think Jackson Pollock). Though there has been no response from Putin as of yet, the Obama administration is confident that this new tactic, though it probably won’t affect any change in the region, will at least add a little fun. By Jeff Boldt, Senior Lines Correspondent.

Beyonce Loses Nail in China, Provides for Local Family for a Year Megastar Beyonce Knowles stopped over in China recently, after the completion of her Mrs. Carter tour in the hopes of getting some rest and relaxation. After traveling to over 130 countries and being on the road for nearly a year, the singer wanted a moment of quiet reflection before getting back to the glitz and glamor, so she chose a tiny rural village away from any major city. As she was tweeting this very private moment of “selfie-reflection” to over 13 million people, her diamond studded nail broke off and fell between the shuffling feet of her entourage’s entourage. “Hold up!” Mrs. Knowles-Carter shouted. “Bey’s nail just broke. This does not happen to Bey-bey!” At this, the entourage, the entourage’s entourage, bodyguards, cameramen, cameramen’s bodyguards, and Jay-Z all went into frantic overdrive to find the missing nail.

CNN Off the Radar; Search for Ratings Pulse Continues Experts pinging for CNN heartbeat, admit it may never be found A Humor Times Special Report guesswork has been taken out of it. They’re A worldwide search for some sign of life toast. At least, that’s my hypothesis.” from cable news network CNN continued today, The only thing that could possibly save the but ex perts say beleaguered netsigns are not enwork, absent an couraging. ongoing disaster, Ever since is the upcoming Flight 370’s trail elec tions, say went cold, signs ex perts. Howof life at CNN ever, even the be gan weak enm i d t e r ms a r e ing. Search ers still a long way say there may be off. only 30 days for “Midterm the station to find elec tions – the new disaster beones between the fore it runs out of presidential CNN spokesman: “We know what we know... I think.” juice completely. elec tions – are “Once the pinger from Malaysian Flight not really meaty enough to nourish us,” con370’s black box went dead, CNN’s pulse did fided Blitzer. “They’re like a Renee Zellweger too,” said Media Watch’s Ann Simonton. “It movie, when what you really crave is a Scarlett would seem their very reason for existence sank Johansson flick.” along with it.” “And you can only do so many stories about Without a new disaster to latch onto, the net- Hillary Clinton, when she’ll announce, and how work may not recover. Some hope was resur- she’ll trounce the competition – especially rected when a ferry off South Korea’s coast two-plus years in advance,” he added. “After began sinking recently, but that sort of disaster all, look how successful we were the last time is much too short-lived for CNN. we went with that narrative.” “We’re a 24-hour news network, specializing Ever since the Flight 370 story started fading in informed supposition,” said Wolf Blitzer from lack of any shred of real breaking news, from the Speculation Room, in a phone inter- CNN ratings began to sink like the airliner itview today. “As such, we need stories that aren’t self. The network’s plucky crew may specialize so black and white. We need mystery – mystery in guesstimating, but even they need something that we can flesh out with made-up scenarios, to work with. opinions, graphs, hours of talking head experts “Hey, maybe we can go with this,” a visibly blathering on about fictions in their own minds excited Wolf Blitzer suddenly shouted to his di– real, solid conjecture – you know, hard news!” rector. “Picture it: News Network Suffering Speculation about the network’s ability to Long, Slow Decline – What Could Be the speculate has been running rampant on other ca- Cause, and What Can Be Done About It?” ble news networks. “We surmise that CNN is on For more on this developing story, check out its last legs,” said Fox News’ Sean Hannity. “I CNN right now, and for 24 hours a day, every mean, I may be taking a shot in the dark here, day. but I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that all the

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Headline News Section

“Oh, never mind!” Beyonce called out reassuringly. “Bey forgot she has Bey-backups.” Af terwards, she and her 100 peeps got in the Bey-jet and took the long and arduous flight of luxury home. Not two minutes after they had left, a large number of locals gathered round to discuss and debate whether what had just happened, had actually happened. “Did you see those foreigners?!” inquired one farmer to his friend. “Of course!” the friend replied. “Who do you think the lady was? And why do you think she took so many pictures of herself? Did she not see the lake and mountains?” “I have no idea, but–hey! What’s this?!” By Jeff Boldt, Senior Bey-Bey Correspondent.

Congress to ‘Dispense with Pretense,’ Transition to Wholly-Owned Corporate Subsidiary Corporate logos to be worn by all Congress members, NASCAR-style WASHINGTON, DC – Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today that Congress would be transitioning into its “now obviously apparent role” as a wholly-owned corporate sub sid iary. He encouraged con gres sio nal mem bers and staff to be gin “proudly displaying” corporate lo gos of their elec tion s po n s or s on their suits, in a NASCAR-like fashion. “It’s an exNew look “instills a sense of pride and purpose” in congress traordinary new members, said Speaker Boehner. a g r e e m e n t we’ve managed to work out with corporate America,” said Boehner at a press conference, backed by Sheldon Adelson and Charles and David Koch. “The people demand transparency, and this will make it obvious who owns what

congress member.” “It’s a big win for the American people,” he continued, tears welling up in his eyes. “Our business friends know that when it comes to real action – and not just symbolic gestures – we will pass the bills just as they submit them to us. After all, it’s the American way. For the last few decades, at least,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). Since the Supreme Court doubled-down on the 2010 Citizens United ruling with the recent McCutcheon v. FEC decision, corporations and even just plain super-rich people can spend as much as they want on elections. “We’ve always known who’s boss, and now we don’t have to hide it anymore, thanks to the Supreme Five™ – owned and operated by Koch Industries,” said Feinstein. Sheldon Adelson welcomed the new development, saying, “Candidates should always show their loy alty to those of us generous enough to spend billions of our own ‘free speech’ dollars to elect them. I remind them of this, as they kneel before me and kiss my ring.” By HT’s Legalized Bribery Press Bureau.

Predicted Yellowstone Cataclysm Comes to Pass The Weather Channel’s “Forecasting the End” show had predicted a disaster, and it has come to pass. Now scientists have found the cause of the recent cataclysmic volcanic eruption in Yellowstone National Park. Wear ing spe cial hazmat suits, scientists were able to inspect the former Old Faithful location in Yellowstone, discovering the cause of the blockage that caused the pressure to build. Apparently, the culprit was Yogi Bear, who

HUMOR TIMES

had filled Old Faithful to the brim with stolen pic-a-nic baskets. The FBI is investigating a possible conspiracy between Yogi Bear and the Weather Channel, especially since the Weather Chan nel’s rat ings have sky rocketed and Fox has offered Hanna-Barbera a six figure contract to bring back Yogi. The FBI was tipped off by an inside source, which many believe was Yogi’s pal, Boo Boo. By Diane de Anda, Pic-a-Nic Correspondent.

May, 2014


Electoral Strategy

The Art of Retirement

Republicans hopes are riding high...

Ex-presidents work hard...

to create a lasting legacy.

as support grows for another Bush run.

A hobby can relieve stress... Meanwhile, the Tea Party is fighting hard...

and allow you to indulge in fantasies. and the GOP is honing its strategy vs Obama.

May, 2014

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13


The Prez It’s been a dizzying year for Obama...

and a bit of a nightmare.

and how history will see him.

He’s thinking about his legacy...

His signature accomplishment is still iffy...

and he could use a little help.

and there’s no need to ask Kerry why the long face.

Meanwhile, Hillary is dodging questions...

14

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2014


Cold War Redux The Crimea crisis has been a headache for the prez...

as he tries to find ways to deal with Putin.

But Vladimir has tricks up his nonexistant sleeve...

as he tries to lure Ukraine in.

“The best time you can have with your clothes on…But it’s just as funny nude.” – comedian Will Durst

Don’t Be Selfish!

Share the Fun with Friends &Relatives!

See subscri ption for m on page 3! • www.humortimes.com

May, 2014

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15


Fundamentals House Repubs hope to pitch a shutout...

but gender equality is a weighty issue...

that may come back to bite them.

16

Good paying jobs are hard to come by...

and the wealth gap is growing.

It’s all about the fundamentals, say experts...

and getting an education.

Meanwhile, the economy needs a good jump start.

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2014


Miscellaneous Mischief

May, 2014

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17


Miscellaneous (continued)

Parting Shots: Sports Things got wild this year...

and the NCAA thinks players unions are crazy.

The NFL is tweaking rules...

and a great baseball player was proven right.

18

HUMOR TIMES

May, 2014


California Stage presents

Treat Your Mother Like a Goddess! Take Her Out For Some Heavenly Flavors of

Vic’s Ice Cream and Ice Cream Cakes & Pies! Vic’s ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!

Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.

Journey’s End To commemorate the 100th anniversary of “The War to End All Wars,” California Stage presents Journey’s End by RC Sherriff. This study in war abandons the notions of “war” that echo in hometown newsprint or the mouths of politicians, in favor of the War lived by those who fight -- a surreal Waiting for Godot with only cold lead and poison gas to look forward to. Directed by Mark Heckman.

Tickets! CalStage.org or 916-451-5822

California Stage in the R25 Arts Complex aa 25th & R St, Midtown • Easy free parking available • 916-451-5822

$20.00 General, $15.00 for seniors, military, students & SARTA members. $12.00 for groups of 6 or more.

Welcome to the

Coffee Garden 3199 Riverside Blvd.

448-0892

Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd. Sacramento

5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks

3 Open Mic Thursdays – Music all year long 3 Check out our calendar at thecoffeegarden.com or on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter! 3 2nd Sat Art Shows at both locations 3 Yoga Classes at CG Gallery

and Coffee Garden Gallery Hours: 6am-11pm Mon-Sat • Sunday 7am-10pm • 916 457 5507 2904 Franklin Blvd • Gallery: 2900 Franklin Blvd • Sacramento

We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift Idea” Right Here! Humor Times Subscriptions Will Keep ’em Laughing ALL YEAR!

Use the form on page 3. A Gift Certificate will be sent in your name if you wish. Or order online at HumorTimes.com and get a buck off!

Humor Times, May 2014  

We provide these free samples for your viewing pleasure. Please enjoy this recent back issue of the World's Funniest News Magazine, the HUMO...

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