“We, the people are the rightful masters of both Congresses and the courts; not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow the men who pervert it.” – Abraham Lincoln, February 27, 1860, the year he was elected
Don’t Cry About the News, Laugh About It! Formerly the Comic Press News
(About hal f a subscripthat with tion!)
21+ Years of the Very Best in Political Satire w w w . H u m o r T i m e s . c o m
Editor’s Letter Senators Who Vote for the War, But Not for the Warriors
Thank you for the 2012 Rafting Season!
It seems like it’d be an easy thing for senators to pass in an election year: a bill to help Veterans find jobs. But no-o-o-o-o. Because… 40 senators filibustered the bill — a bill that had 58 votes in favor! Only in America! And those 40 senators who insisted that we just can’t afford to spend one billion measly dollars (over five years) to help Veterans find employment here at home? Yeah, you guessed it… The same ones who voted FOR two completely unfunded wars under Bush. (Wars which may end up costing 2 or 3 trillion – with a t – dollars.) Oh and, by the way, we’re talking about the very same wars these Veterans just came home from. Senators: That term you so blithely toss around, with your flag pinned firmly to your lapel — “Support the troops!” — Is that completely meaningless? And what crazy system let’s 40 senators rule over 58, anyway?!
Now it’s time to think about holiday gifts for the adventurer in your life! Holiday Gift Specials at our online store: raftwet-store.com
From the New York Times “The Caucus” blog: Eager to shoot down President Obama’s legislative agenda just weeks before the election, Senate Republicans on Wednesday [Sept. 19] blocked a measure that would have provided $1 billion over five years to help veterans find work in their communities. The measure, which would have potentially created jobs for up to 20,000 veterans, was blocked on a procedural point by Republicans, who argued that the bill was unpaid for… “It’s both shocking and shameful that Republicans today chose to kill a bill to put America’s veterans back to work,” Ms. Murray [Senator Patty Murray, a Washington Democrat and the bill’s main sponsor] said in a statement.”... She added that the vote was “stark reminder” that Mitch McConnell, Senate minority leader from Kentucky, and Senate Republicans “are willing to do absolutely anything to fulfill the pledge he made nearly two years ago to defeat President Obama. It doesn’t matter who gets in their way or which Americans they have to sacrifice in that pursuit, even if it’s our nation’s veterans.”
Surf raftwet.com to our website
for more information!
E R R I V
Be our fan! facebook.com/wetrivertrips Follow us! twitter.com/raftwet
P S T R I
– James Israel, Publisher/editor The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 21, Issue 250, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3126 2nd Ave, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: email@example.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, P. Beckert, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, Ben Krull, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Roz Warren, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address or email above. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2012. No part may be reproduced without permission.
Welcome to the
$1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1
3 Open Mic Thursdays 3 Music all year long 3 Check out our calendar at www.thecoffeegarden.com
ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!! Name: ___________________________________________________________________
or on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter!
Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________
3 2nd Sat Art Shows at both locations 3 Yoga Classes at CG Gallery
12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $19.95 12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $33.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $36.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $50.95 36 issues (3 years). . . . $53.95 12 issues/PDF download . . . . $9.95 Please Check if RENEWAL. Subscriber # (on label, starts w/‘S’): ___________ Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________
and Coffee Garden
Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816
Or use your: p Discover
p American Express
Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)
Hours: 6am-11pm Mon-Sat • Sunday 7am-10pm • 916 457 5507 2904 Franklin Blvd • Gallery: 2900 Franklin Blvd • Sacramento
Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)
Don’t Keep All the Laughs to Yourself – Give HUMOR TIMES Subscriptions! HUMOR TIMES
Unconventional The Republican strategy is to harp on the economy...
but their actual platform has voters jumping ship.
and to use catchy slogans...
The convention lacked a certain something...
but kept everyone guessing... and laughing. (continued)
Then things really started hopping...
as they surprised everyone on the last night.
Finally, out marched their hero...
who promised the party would deliver the goods.
And with the campaign on cruise control... Mitt was free to expound on foreign policy. (continued pg. 7)
Campaigns and Ideology Worst Campaign Ever? It’s time to start worrying about Mitt Romney. Seriously. The guy may just be running the worst campaign ever. And yes, that includes the McDLT, print ads for organic hemp underwear and France in ’39. Not to mention McCain/Palin in ’08. Which currently holds the gold standard for lousy campaigns. Sure to be a Hall of Fame inductee in a couple years. Willard has taken bad to a whole new level. Bad like a dumpster behind a fish market during a garbage strike bad. Bad like a three-dollar Dark Knight Rises DVD bought off a Times Square cardboard table with Albanian subtitles bad. Bad like Todd Akin at a NARAL benefit bad. Bad doubled down. Beyond breaking bad to the point of broken bad. And every time the former Governor of Massachusetts opens his mouth, the worst campaign ever gets worse. He’s tone deaf, tongue tied, logically challenged and as approachable as a near-sighted porcupine in heat. The Anti Ray Romano — Nobody Loves Mitt. So uncomfortable around real people, you can practically hear him whisper “icky, icky, icky,” under his breath while shaking hands at rallies. You know there’s an aide with a bottle of hand sanitizer waiting for him on the bus. Maybe even a 55-gallon drum connected to a shower head. Got caught on a secret video calling 47 percent of those real people moochers and malingerers. Shirking, entitled victims de-
pendent on the government for food. Food. Mmmm. That’s us. Just can’t get enough of that government cheese. You know what this country needs? A good five-cent government cracker. The impression is that, 1: he was pandering to his rich donor buddies or, 2: the poster child for the 1 percent really believes what he said. Either way — awkward! And that massive pounding sound you hear is a herd of stampeding elephants running away from what they fear might be contagious. Said he wouldn’t concern himself with that 47 percent, which depresses his most ardent supporters, because “Hell, that’s more than half!” One major problem with insulting 47 percent of the American public is that at least 58 percent of them worry that you think they’re part of that 47 percent, and you know 112 percent of America believes that. They do. Bet you $10,000. The video’s re lease ob scured the Romn ey cam paign’s much-ballyhooed new design to sharpen its message. Would have been interesting to see how many truckloads of flint they were going to use to try and put an edge on that much smoke. Honing fog. His own staffer warned us. The Etch-a-Sketch has been turned upside down. Prepare to be shaken. Problem is, you keep rebooting something as stiff as Mitt and it starts short-circuiting all over the place. Romney 8.0. Better than Romney 7.0. Now with Desperation. Maybe it’s the extra-large silver spoon in his mouth that keeps him from seeing the view from the middle class. Can’t understand
why they don’t pull themselves up by the bootstraps like he did when his daddy loaned him his first million. With the debates still to come, there’s time to turn the worst campaign ever around. But this far in, it’s like turning the Titanic. After hitting the iceberg. And the helm is underwater. Face it, if Bain Capital were running Mitt’s campaign right now, they’d close it down, fire him and hire some Chinese guy to do it better and cheaper. Oh, My Akin Ideology! Mining humor out of Missouri Senate hopeful Todd Akin’s barrage of claptrap is tougher than eating frozen jerky in a rowboat on the eye wall of Hurricane Isaac. Normally, rape and funny live in two different solar systems, whose orbits rarely if ever intersect with significantly different trajectories and fields of gravity, if you catch our drift. But this guy’s historic and colossally moronic remark is the very exception that proves the rule winning him in one fell brimming swoop, the Joe Biden “Foot So Deep In His Mouth He’s Probably Tickling His Spleen with His Shoelaces” Lifetime Achievement Award. During an interview with St. Louis television station KTVI, the Republican Congressman told a reporter, that from what he understands from doctors, women who are legitimately raped don’t get pregnant. And the plopping noise across the country from mouths dropping open was loud enough to wake every student at Gallaudet University. Now, we expect our anthropoidal troglodytes to believe stupid stuff; we’re just not used to hearing their inane anthropoidal troglodytic beliefs articulated out loud. Refreshing and depressing at the same time. Wow. Where do you start? Legitimately raped? Suffice it to say that no qualifying adverb is ever necessary in front of that particular noun. Especially from a man. And what does he mean by “legitimate”? It seems to infer something exists that could be known as “illegitimate” rape but, oh no, we’re not going there. As redundant as Halloween in San Francisco. Boring in Burlington. Hot in hell. Next to the abstracted nonsense of his feeble-minded opinion, it’s the casual attribution that rankles. Here’s a man running for the U.S. Senate using medieval wives’ tales as philosophical justification. And he’s a member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology? Let’s hope his concentration is on space and technology. Notwithstanding the space between his ears. Also makes one worry about the state of the medical profession in Missouri. Is the “Show Me State” overrun with puritanical shamans? Thirteenth century barbers? Filipino psychic surgeons? Physician bags stuffed with snake oil and leeches? Do their white jackets have long, long sleeves that wrap around the back where they’re buckled real tight? The inundation was so overwhelming it came close to rendering Chris Matthews speechless. Almost. While an oblivious Akin tried to walk back his clueless comments, the GOP brought out the industrial-strength cattle prods to walk him back over a cliff. Steep drop. Sharp rocks. Big waves. Republicans needed to reignite a War on Women right before their national convention the same way a fireworks factory needs a grease fire on July 3rd and the entire party rented jet skis to rooster-tail away from the eye of stupidity as far and fast as possible. The storm surge of Hurricane Akin washed a bit of the shine off Golden Boy, Paul Ryan, as well. He and Akin have a history of introducing bills to redefine rape, and both oppose a woman’s right to choose following one. Not a problem for Romney though. Who thinks completely different. Or doesn’t. No one’s quite sure. Thus far, the Tea Party favorite is determined to stay in and go full-term. And Democrats across the nation are shouting themselves hoarse fanning the waves of this deluge, while whispering words of encouragement hoping this testament of dark bewilderment exercises his god-given right to remain consummately cretinous in public. To Election Day! And beyond!
Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400
2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com
Mitt’s secretly taped fundraiser comments backfired...
Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care. Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment. Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.
Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.
We’ve got your Pumpkin right here!
but he was quick to clarify.
PUMPKIN ICE CREAM! Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.
3199 Riverside Blvd.
Enjoy one of dozens of fabulous flavors! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches!
Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN
4920 Folsom Blvd. 5050 Arden Way Sacramento Fair Oaks
Still, party leaders are not amused.
Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without … October, 2012
Give the HUMOR TIMES today! 7
Hopey-Changey The DNC opened with a bang...
and got more electric from there.
Obama had to deal with certain distractions...
His message was not going down smoothly...
making it tough to focus.
and his prescriptions sounded all too familiar. (continued)
Things started turning around with Michelleâ€™s speech.
Then Bubba wowed the crowd just like the old days...
and was feeling a bit nostalgic himself.
It was a tough act to follow...
but Obama was pleased with the result...
as he tries to convince America to stick with him.
What They Said “We’re going to close the unproductive tax loopholes that allow some of the truly wealthy to avoid paying their fair share...In practice, they sometimes made it possible for millionaires to pay nothing, while a bus driver was paying ten percent of his salary, and that’s crazy...Do you think the millionaire ought to pay more in taxes than the bus driver or less?” – Ronald Reagan, speech at Northside High School (Atlanta, GA), June 6th 1985 Teaching the middle class to hate their government was an essential part of the plan to implement Corporate Feudalism. A middle class cannot exist without a strong government. This is because only a government has the power to stand up to the giant corporations of today’s world, or the powerful individuals and private armies of earlier times. It is the government that enforces the laws to protect the middle class from those who would like to become their economic rulers. That is why prior to the Industrial Revolution and the creation of the middle class all economies were run according to some version of the feudal system. If you want to put an end to the middle class and replace it with a feudal republic, you would need to change people’s perception of their government. Obviously a government does not have to be on the side of its people, as can be seen by the existence of countless dictatorships and oligarchies throughout the world. Even the corporatocracy that currently exists in the United States falls far short of being on the side of its middle class. But US history shows that a government committed to serving its citizens can, in fact, help create and maintain a healthy middle class even in the face of powerful corporations whose only interest is maximizing their own power and profits. It is like the story in old westerns of a big bad landowner who takes what he wants when he wants it, ruthlessly terrorizing a town without a strong sheriff. Any individual who tries to stop the landowner is beaten into submission or killed. The situation continues until the town finds a strong enough sheriff to regain control over the landowner and his gang… In the United States of thirty years ago, the government was the strong sheriff keeping the late-twentieth-century feudal lords from taking what they wanted. As long as the government was supported by its cit i zens—par tic u larly its mid dle class—no one could ride into town and steal what belonged to the people. But if the government were weakened or destroyed, a different situation would arise. The intent of the plan for Corporate Feudalism was to convince the middle class to fire their sheriff. And that’s just what happened. – Excerpt from Dennis Marker’s book, 15 Steps to Corporate Feudalism
The Hightower Lowdown Our Disgraceful Minimum Wage In natural terms, our economy is a giant sequoia. Unfortunately, our present corporate and governmental leadership can’t seem to grasp one of the basic laws of nature: You can’t keep a mighty tree alive (much less have it thrive) by only spritzing the fine leaves at the tippy-top. The fate of the whole tree depends on nurturing the roots. Sadly, we’re led by a my o pic crew of leaf-spritzers. Elites in Washington, on Wall Street and in the corporate suites have taken exquisite care of themselves. Blithely oblivious to the dangerous shriveling of the roots, they’ve increased their take by offshoring our middle-class jobs, slashing American wages and benefits, busting the ability of unions to fight back, deregulating their nefarious corporate and financial operations, dodging their tax obligations, privatizing and gutting public services (from schools to food stamps), and turning our elections into auctions run by and for billionaires, thus robbing America it self of its unify ing ethos: economic fairness and social justice. One of the least excusable of today’s injustices is that in this country of unsurpassed wealth, it’s an abomination that the power elites are casually tolerating poverty pay as our wage floor. How deplorable that they can actually juxtapose the words “working” and “poor” without blinking, much less blushing. Nearly 4 million Americans are being paid at or below the desiccated federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour. For a single mother with two kids, that’s $4,000 a year beneath the poverty level. Where are the ethics in a “work ethic” that rewards so many with paychecks that deliberately hold them in poverty? Consider the kind of life $7.25 buys. At that
rate, a full-time worker is taking in only $1,250 a month, before payroll taxes. Try stretching that over the basics of rent, utilities, groceries and gas. Need car repair? Lose your job? What if you get sick? Good luck. Corporate politicos and front groups have draped a thick tapestry of myths and excuses over the miserly wage. “The only people paid the minimum,” goes one of their oldest dodges, “are teenagers working part-time summer jobs for extra cash.” In fact, only 6.4 percent of these low-wage employees are teen part-timers. Contrary to the stereotype, the typical minimum-wage worker is an adult, white woman (including many single moms) whose fam ily re lies on her paycheck. The right-wingosphere argues that lifting the wage floor would keep employers from hiring. Not true. The reason corporations aren’t hiring is that consumers aren’t purchasing their products, thanks to the economic realities of lost jobs, wage cuts and inflation that have shrunk the buying power of working families. The one simple step that would immediately add juice to the consumer economy (which accounts for two-thirds of America’s economic activity) is to do the one thing that boneheaded lawmakers adamantly refuse even to consider: Raise the spend ing power of mil lions of low-wage workers by hiking the legal minimum wage. Raising it to $10 an hour would elevate 30 million hardworking Americans now paid a poverty or near-poverty level income. While it would still be tough to raise a family on a $10-an-hour wage ($20,800 a year), it does move our country a lot closer to the principle that work ought to be fairly rewarded, restoring a measure of ethics to the work ethic. Such a percolate-up solution would provide
JIM HIGHTOWER a huge and direct lift out of our present doldrums — a study last year by Chicago’s Federal Reserve Bank found that every dollar increase in the minimum wage produces an immediate bump in the next year of $2,800 per recipient in consumer purchases of everything from kids’ shoes to vehicles. The Economic Policy Institute (EPI) reported in a 2009 study that even a boost to $9.50 an hour would result in $30 billion a year in new consumer spending. Numerous in-depth studies show that hiking the wage does not cause either small businesses or giants like McDonald’s to rush out and slash their workforce in order to offset the relatively small cost of paying employees a bit better. To the contrary, most studies show that overall job numbers go up. The public is overwhelmingly behind the increase. This June, a Zogby Analytics survey of likely voters found seven out of 10 supporting a raise above $10 an hour (including 54 percent of Republicans). Notably, 71 percent of young people (18 to 23 years old) favored it. Likewise, last November’s “American Values Survey” by the Public Religion Research Institute showed two-thirds of Amer i cans in favor of a $10-per-hour minimum. The super-rich are fast separating their good fortunes from the well-being of the many. It’s not just America’s economy they’re skewing, but our values. They’re destroying the place where egalitarianism, upward mobility and the middle class once had a welcoming home. That’s the fight we’re in — a historic fight to decide who we Americans really are.
I do not believe that just because you’re opposed to abortion, that that makes you pro-life. In fact, I think in many cases, your morality is deeply lacking if all you want is a child born but not a child fed, not a child educated, not a child housed. And why would I think that you don’t? Because you don’t want any tax money to go there. That’s not pro-life. That’s pro-birth. We need a much broader conversation on what the morality of pro-life is. – Sister Joan Chittister, Catholic Nun
Stagnant The stimulus provided a big boost...
The Key to
Universal Wisdom but not for everyone.
Discover how extraordinary you really are Who am I? What is my purpose? What can I accomplish? Is there more to the universe than I see around me? Only you can truly answer these questions for yourself. Only you can mold yourself to who you would like to be. Profound wisdom, carefully preserved for centuries, is transmitted today by the Rosicrucian Order to every sincere person with an open mind and a positive motive. When you join and read the monthly home study booklets, practical applications can be added to the everyday affairs of your life with startling results. Rosicrucians call this Mastery of Life.
http://www.rosicrucian.org The Rosicrucian Order is a worldwide fraternal organization of men and women dedicated to studying the teachings of some of the greatest mystical minds through the ages. It is not a religion or dogma or even a single philosophy. The booklets are provided for home study, so you decide what you believe and what abilities you wish to increase.
And solutions are having a hard time getting through.
The Original Home Brew Outlet Finest Fermentation Equipment & Supplies in Sacramento Beer, Wine, Mead, Sake, Cider, Soda & Vinegars
Open 7 Days Classes & Gift Certificates Available (916)
5528 Auburn Blvd (Auburn No. of Garfield) Mon-Sat 10-6 • Sun 10-3 www.ehomebrew.com
ADVERTISE IN THE HUMOR TIMES! • 916-455-1217 • firstname.lastname@example.org October, 2012
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
by Jon Carter
We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift” Idea Right Here!
Give the HUMOR TIMES! Use the form on page 3, or get a buck off all subscriptions by signing up at www.humortimes.com!
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com
by Jon Carter
We’ve Got Your “Unique Gift” Idea Right Here!
Give the HUMOR TIMES! Use the form on page 3, or get a buck off all subscriptions by signing up at www.humortimes.com!
“We Report, You Decry!” Sarah Palin Elaborates on Comment that ‘Obama Needs to Grow a Big Stick’ Sarah Palin managed to make headlines again while lounging around at home in her underwear, after commenting in a Facebook post that Pres i dent Obama “likes to speak softly to our enemies. If he doesn’t have a b i g s t i c k to carry, maybe it’s time for him to grow one.” The comment has been o p e n l y laughed at ever since, prompting Sarah Palin: Obama Needs Palin to reach to Grow a Big Stick. out in an effort to elaborate her point further. “Obama is a pushover when it comes to Muslims and terrorists, don’t-cha-know,” said Sarah Palin. “He has a wimpy little stick. That’s probably why he talks so softly. Guys with small sticks don’t usually have big, booming voices. I think that’s what Abraham Lincoln was saying when he told Obama to talk softly and carry a big stick.” When it was pointed out that the quote Palin was referencing, “speak softly and carry a big stick,” didn’t come from Abraham Lincoln, but was in fact made by Teddy Roosevelt, she said, “Look, I know American history better than you do, okay? I’m IN the news. You guys just REPORT the news. If I say Abraham Lincoln was telling Barack Obama to talk louder and grow a bigger penis, then that’s what happened!” After this reporter stopped giggling and Sarah Palin stopped grunting disapprovingly, she continued. “You know, when Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence at the invasion of Normandy in 1489, that’s when America grew its stick. And Obama? He doesn’t know how to handle America’s stick. He needs to grow a bigger stick of his own if he hopes to pleasure America with it. Maybe he’s a grower and not a shower, but from what I can tell, his stick is nothing to shake a dick at. Wait, what did I just say? Anyway, yeah, I stand behind what I said, because I certainly don’t want to be in front of it. Obama is a total stick-head! You betcha!” Re ported by Matt Rock, Pardonthe Pundit.com
Headline News Section Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News
40% of ‘Loser 47%’ Were Going to Vote Romney; Change Minds ‘I used to like how he made fun of everyone else, but then he called me a loser,’ says ex-fan, part of 47 percent. ‘That cinches it.’ Mitt Romney was caught in a secret videotap“Hey, that’s not fair!” exclaimed Exxon CEO ing at a millionaire fundraiser recently Rex Tillerson. “Sure, we saying, “There are 47 percent of the never pay any taxes to the people who … are dependent upon U.S. But we do pay other government … who believe that they countries lots of taxes. are entitled to health care, to food, to Because they’re socialhousing, to you-name-it …” Basically, ists. But that’s why we he called them no-good freeloaders. love the USA!” Turns out, 40% of those low-income Tillerson added, “That people were going to vote for him. $156 million rebate from Now? Not so much. the IRS did come in “That son of a bitch,” said George handy, however. We were Colson of Creola, Alabama, a 47 pergoing to forward it over cent-er. “He called my whole family to a Romney Super-PAC, lazy bastards! I work hard, but don’t but now… I don’t know.” make enough to pay income tax. He Mean while, Gen eral hardly works at all, but does everything Electric CEO Jeff Immelt Former Romney supporter. he can to avoid paying taxes, including chimed in, saying, “What shipping bags of loot off to the Caymans!” Mitt doesn’t understand is, we worked very hard Calista Vernon of Cochran, Georgia, was not for the $26 billion in profits we made in the U.S. happy either. “I got five kids and we barely make last year. Not only did we pay no taxes, the IRS ends meet, but we do,” she says. “I ain’t lazy, and gave us a $4.1 billion refund. Does he think he’s I certainly ain’t no goddamn freeloader! I always smarter than those math geeks? Didn’t think so.” vote Republican — don’t ask me why — cuz my Many other major corporations paid no taxes pappy did, I guess. But no more!” on huge profits, as well as 35,000 or so wealthy
Romneys Tour Presidential Bunker, Appalled at Condition Attacked on Foreign Policy, With Mitt & Ann Romney in the White House, a Presidential Bunker extreme makeover would be in order As the elections draw near, word has it that that, while he doesn’t particularly like “roughing Ann and Mitt Romney are very concerned about it,” he’ll go there occasionally if he has to, but the con di tion only if it is also renovated to “bring it up to Romnof the various ey Code,” joked Ann. living quarters When it comes to the Presidential Bunker, they will be re- however, both Romneys said that after touring the quired to in- facility, they wouldn’t be caught dead in there, lithabit once Mitt erally. “I was very disappointed in the place,” said takes of fice, Ann. “I ac tu ally saw cans of beans on the i.e. The White shelves!” she exclaimed in horror. Presidential bunker. House, Camp Once the Romneys returned home to their $12 David and, God forbid – but it’s pretty much a sure million mansion in La Jolla, Ann was quick to get bet if he’s elected – the Presidential Emergency on the phone with her interior decorator, Fifi Operations Center, or “Presidential Bunker” as it LaFontaine. is more commonly known. She was heard begging, “I know Mitt and I They have already commented on the condi- were saying we wouldn’t be caught dead in that tion of the White House, and plan an extensive presidential bunker, but c’mon Fifi, you owe me overhaul, complete with elevator shafts for the one. It won’t be that bad. A little paint, some new Presidential Cadillacs, a money vault in the base- chintz curtains, and a couple of high-end Serta ment for the millions they’ll be required to bring Perfect Sleepers and it will be…oh who am I kidback from their offshore accounts, and construc- ding,” said the exasperated First Lady hopeful. tion of a 12-foot high concrete barrier surrounding “The place is a dump, but if you do this for us, the perimeter of the White House separating them we promise to appoint you as Ambassador to from the commoners (known as “you people”). France.” As far as Camp David goes, Mitt has agreed Reported by P. Beckert, Humor Times
Obama Tries to Cool Heated Debate: ‘Death Valley and Aziza Tie for Hottest’ Determined to make peace among nations, President Obama has declared a “tie” between California’s Death Valley and Aziza, Libya, as the hottest place in the world. The Associated Press recently reported that an “international team of weather experts has named California’s Death Valley the world’s hottest place” after it was found that an “inexperienced weather observer” incorrectly recorded a high of 136.4 degrees in Aziza, Libya, in 1922, but the “new official highest recorded temperature” is actually 136, in Death Valley in 1913. “The friendships we have between Death Valley and Aziza, earned through mutual sweat and tears … well, actually just a lot of sweat, will not waver over a small difference in degrees,” Obama said. “Let’s just say both places are hotter than Michelle’s approval ratings.” A presidential cultural exchange program
individuals, and they were not happy with the candidate’s remarks either. Most were so angry, in fact, that they threatened to take every penny and stash it offshore, right next to Romney’s money. “His pile will look so puny next to ours, it’s sure to really piss him off,” said one industry representative. According to a new CNN poll, of those 40% low-income voters who were planning to vote for Romney, 99% now plan to stay at home or vote for Obama. The other 1% answered, “Uh. Wha? Election? Presi-what? Who? Where am I?” Romney’s campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, tried to spin the statements. “He didn’t mean to say the 47 percent were all that way, only the Obama voters. Sure, some in that demographic will vote Republican. The difference is, our nice folks want to pay taxes, but haven’t realized their dreams of making it rich quite yet” Rhoades also revealed some bad news: Mitt Romney has laryngitis, he said. “So he won’t be speaking anymore — at all. Until it gets better, which should be by around November 6th, doctors assure us.”
will be put in place for the hot sister cities, in cactus, “You wouldn’t even want to live anywhich guns will be set aside and poorly acted where else besides California, would you? I was videos making fun of Calborn in California, you know." ifornians or religious figThen he asked the cac tus, ures will be immediately “Could someone turn up the air destroyed. conditioning? It’s hot on this set.” “This is the only way When nothing happened, he in which we are going to took out a gun and shot the cactus. settle our differences in “Both cities have great weather this heated cli mate,” recorders, and they’re both really, Obama said. really hot," Secretary of State HilGov. Mitt Romney imlary Clinton said at a press conferDeath Valley. mediately responded to ence in Death Valley. “A free and Obama’s remarks by saying, “We need to stop stable climate is in America’s best interests.” apologizing for our city being hotter than their Wiping some sweat from her brow, she said, city. If you’re hot, you’re hot. End of story.” “And I may not be the hottest woman in the Clint Eastwood immediately flew to Death world, but I am the most powerful woman. Just Valley to be filmed talking to a cactus. check out these sunglasses.” “You’re an ecological plant,” he said to the Reported by Nancy Freiberg, Humor Times
Romney Cites His Money’s Experience Abroad
NEW YORK – One day after he was roundly criticized by both parties for his comments about Libya, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney attempted to burnish his foreign-policy credentials today, telling reporters that “no one has spent more time overseas than my money has.”
Romney’s money: Experienced.
“My money has served in banks from Switzerland to Bermuda, and from Bermuda to the Cayman Islands,” Mr. Romney said. “I challenge my opponent’s money to equal that record of service.” Doubling down on his latest theme, Mr. Romney promised that “on Day One of my Presidency, I will ensure that American money is safe and secure in secret vaults and underground caves around the world.” Mr. Romney’s recent foray into foreign policy may have hurt him in a new poll, in which a majority of likely voters agreed with the statement, “Mitt Romney is starting to make his trip to the London Olympics look like the pinnacle of modern diplomacy.” An official statement from the Romney campaign did not refer to his latest comments, but indicated that between now and the election Mr. Romney’s schedule would deëmphasize events where he might be called upon to open his mouth. Reported by Andy Borowitz
Bipartisan Dysfunction Both major parties have their challenges... and voters must choose...
using their best judgement. The process has been corrupted...
leaving Americans undecided... and unimpressed.
Two Thumbs and Bombs Down A video denigrating Mohammed was posted on YouTube...
and it was not, shall we say, well received.
In fact, it was bad news all around. Both sides blame the other, of course...
and the cycle continues... as folks pine for a simpler time.
His Akin Head Rep. Todd Akin fancies himself an expert...
and heâ€™s not afraid of controversy.
at exposing little-known truths...
As a result, the GOP started rethinking some things...
as they hoped to contain the damage...
because outrageous comments make them look bad.
Environment Climate change denial is rampant in Tea Partiers...
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a big problem...
and in Congress... one that sticks with veterans.
where attempts at solutions are ridiculed.
Trusting Afghan forces is also problematic.
Mitt Romney gained two points in a Gallup Poll to tie Obama. The poll was taken after Mitt was caught on an old tape ripping welfare recipients for being in the tank for Obama. Next week Romney plans to leak a tape of himself organizing a Klan rally. Since Romney and Barack Obama tied in the Gallup Poll, people have only one question on their minds. If you had to run through a North Korean mine field or let Lindsay Lohan drive you to the store, which kind of running shoes would you wear? Lindsay Lohan was charged in New York City with fleeing the scene of a car accident after she accidentally clipped a pedestrian at slow speed. She happened to be in town where she’s shooting a movie with Charlie Sheen. It’s called Two and a Half Grams. The Royal Fam ily got a rul ing against French tabloids to squash the topless photos of Kate. The French had to print cartoons of the prophet Mohammed just to change the subject. History shows it’s far better to have the Muslims mad at you than the Anglo Saxons. The White House admitted the Libyan embassy attack was by al-Qaeda, not by a mob of spontaneous protesters angry over a movie. It’s obvious. It could only have been a spontaneous protest if it happened to be Take Our Rocket Launchers to Work Day in Libya. The State Department aired TV ads in Pakistan that show Hillary Clinton apologizing for the anti-Muslim video on YouTube. She’s well-respected in the Muslim world. They believe she’s the only woman in America whose husband is allowed to have multiple wives. Mitt Romney revealed that his Mormon great-grandfather moved to Mexico a century ago to avoid being prosecuted in the United
States for polygamy. This shows how tough he’d be on illegal immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country. Mitt Romney ran new ads pledging to break America’s growing dependency on government handouts. His own story bears this out. Mitt’s proved that with hard work and a little luck, even a multi-millionaire white guy out of Harvard can succeed in America. Jessica Alba urged voters in a TV ad to pledge allegiance to Obama. The campaign is also selling U.S. flags with Obama’s O logo where the fifty stars belong. It’s such a cult of personality that the on-hold music at the White House features German marching songs. President Obama raised four million dollars in New York at a fundraiser at Jay-Z’s sports bar. It was opulent. Between the rap stars, the alcohol and the cash, the president’s armored limo is the only one that got out of there without bullet holes in the door. An Austin man was investigated by the Secret Service after he lynched a chair from a tree in his front yard in Texas. The man wasn’t taken into custody. The Secret Service bought his story that the chair had it coming because it whistled at a white woman. Virgin Airways’ Sir Richard Branson revealed plans to someday ferry a Noah’s Ark of settlers to Mars. He said he wants to bring comedians and beautiful women, but also scientists and doctors. If you send a lot of settlers to populate a planet it’s essential that someone there can manufacture penicillin and someone can write a prescription for it.
The Holidays Are Coming! Share the Laughs with Subscriptions!
The Gift That Keeps on Giving All Year!
any Gift Sub Through Dec. 31st! Simply fill out the form on page 3, note “Holiday Discount $2 off.” A Gift Certificate will be sent to the recipient in your name. Alternatively, you may order online at humortimes.com – use “GiftHT” in the discount code box. (Discount good on U.S. domestic subscriptions only.)
Halloween Everyone’s excited about Halloween...
but some things are just too scary...
Help! My Son is in College and My Computer is Broken! When my son left for college three years ago, I replaced him with a Yorkiepoo. It was a great idea. I’ve still got someone to take care of, feed, pick up after and talk to. Captain, unlike my son, even loves going on long walks with me. The one thing Captain can’t do is fix my computer. As the mother of a tech-savvy son, I was spoiled rotten. From the time Tom was in middle school, he easily solved any computer problem that developed. I’m not the only mom in this predicament. Most of my friends haven’t got a clue what goes on inside their desktops because they‘ve always counted on their kids to keep the gizmos in good working order. My pal Jody, who lives across the country, just got a new puppy. “I want to see photos!” I emailed her. “You can!” she responded. “I just posted them on my Facebook page.” I searched her page. No photos. Turns out that she’d carefully followed her adult son’s step-by-step photo-posting instructions. But since she’d relied on him to handle anything computer-related from the time he was a toddler, now that he’s up and gone, she, like me, is computer-stupid. She thought she was posting puppy photos on Facebook. Who knows where those photos ended up? We moms with college-aged kids don’t want to follow screen after screen of inscrutable in-
“Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento
structions. We want our computers to continue to function as well as they did when our kids were under our roofs to take care of them. I’m proud of my son. He’s taking challenging courses at a fiercely competitive elite university. He made Phi Beta Kappa in his junior year. He’s started a profitable business, and runs a computer-related charity. He has a great girlfriend. He even has his own dog to walk. His life is very full and he is insanely, impossibly busy. It just isn’t fair to ask him to drop everything to spend time fixing basic computer glitches for me, merely because I gave birth to him and managed to raise him to maturity without once dropping him on his head. But I persist. Last night I phoned once again to ask for help. “The computer won’t let me download anything on Youtube!“ I whined. “What can I do?” He was studying for an exam, but he took a minute to email me a link to step-by-step instructions for fixing the problem. They were written in the usual mom-repellent gibberish. I knew it would take hours to make any sense of them, and that in attempting to make the fix myself I’d undoubtedly hit the wrong key and delete all my files. Or wreck my mainframe. (Whatever that is.) Tom could make the fix in two minutes. He could do it in his sleep. But even in his sleep, he’s probably too busy. Instead of downloading videos on Youtube, I can always walk the dog. A Yorkiepoo is what’s known as a “designer dog,” meaning that he isn’t a pure bred dog but a mix of two different breeds. Captain is part Yorkshire Terrier and part Toy Poodle. The goal is to achieve a mix of the best qualities of each breed. If only someone could design a dog that’s a mixture of Yorkshire Terrier, Toy Poodle and Tech Support. Every mom I know with a kid in college and an ailing computer would buy one in a heartbeat.
and the outlook for kids is not good this year.
A Complete Internet Solution WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3
WWW.OMSOFT.COM 530-758-0119 22
Don’t Miss Out on All the Fun!
SUBSCRIBE! Hard copy delivered to your mailbox • Online digital version also available