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“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” – Mahatma Gandhi Issue #238

October 2011

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2011


Editor’s Rant

Fall Rafting!

As I write, long-overdue “Occupy Wall Street” protests are happening in New York. It’s about time that those who see clearly (most of America, actually) got pissed enough to get out on the street. Why let misinformed tea partiers steal all the thunder? Their “grass roots” movement has actually been funded by the likes of the Koch brothers since the beginning. This one is the real “grass roots.” And it is protesting the real evil: the corporate takeover of our government. You see, tea partiers, government in and of itself is not the problem after all. It’s the intentionally inept use of it. Government in a democratic republic such as ours, after all, is OUR creation. It is the people’s tool, to be used for what we can agree on, through the representative process. But when that process gets co-opted by the moneyed elite, it is corrupted, and the result is a dysfunctional government that caters to the rich, instead of the people. It’s way past time to “take America back,” as tea partiers are so fond of saying. However, let’s take it back for us, not for the Koch brothers. For real justice, not corporate “justice.” For real prosperity, not just for the top 2%. For the hard-working people of this nation. The mainstream media has been mostly ignoring these protests, although they’re always ready for a Tea Party event. That’s not surprising. They’re owned by said moneyed elite, after all. So turn off your cable news, start reading some of the great investigative reporting still being done in certain portions of the media. Like Rolling Stone’s Matt Taibbi, or in magazines like Mother Jones, In These Times, The Nation and so on. Online sites such as ReaderSupportedNews.org, truth-out.org, Alternet, etc. Time is running out. Will we wake up? – James Israel, Publisher/editor

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The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 20, Issue 238, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 3127 Broadway, Sacramento, CA 95817. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2011. No part may be reproduced without permission.

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October, 2011

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Oh Yeah‌ Jobs! It had been a long time in coming...

and the jobs bill could be a turning point for the prez.

But first he had to schedule his speech to Congress...

which in itself was problematic.

Republicans had to decide what they’d say... and Americans also had a decision to make. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2011


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Serving Up Red Meat & Pledges Red Meat Slam Dance A full complement of Republican presidential candidates gathered for the battle royalle at the Ronald Reagan Library in Seamy (Simi) Valley, California. And though he was only there in spirit, the Great Communicator could easily have supplied the power for the entire proceedings had the networks harnessed him spinning in his grave like a rotisserie chicken in the middle of a power surge. The 8 challengers for his mantle didn’t just break the Gipper’s 11th Commandment, “Thou shall not speak ill of other Republicans,” they stomped on it with football cleats and shoved it down a sewer grate with a broken rake handle. It was a red meat, power-tie slam dance with operatic overtones. Anticipation ran higher than Charlie Sheen on New Year’s Eve that a hockey match would break out and the blood thirsty audience was not going to be satisfied until lecterns dripped with copious spillage. Before Rick Perry could answer Brian Williams’ question about the execution of 234 inmates on his watch, they erupted into applause like an emeritus alumni crowd at Assassins State University during homecoming. Creeping the moderator out more than pinworms in the bottom of his footie pajamas. Eyes on the prize, Newt Gingrich cautioned panel mates to keep the attacks focused on Obama, while castigating the media for trapping them in this internecine warfare. The rest of the contingent affectionately dismissed his admonition the way a group of Oakland Raider tailgaters would an elderly aunt wandering

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into a discussion on blitz protection. Newt Gingrich – the soul of reason. Something has gone horribly awry. We did learn that Michele Bachmann believes in $2 a gallon gasoline and “a strong bold leader who will lead,” and that she spent the last three weekends going to restaurants and thinks drilling for oil in the Everglades is a good idea. Apparently she’s planning an electoral strategy that dis-includes Florida’s mighty 27. Rick Perry hates cancer and called Social Security “a Ponzi scheme,” not once, but three times, so Florida is obviously not on his front burner either. Arch-enemy to all things science, Perry supported his “climate change, what climate change” philosophy, comparing himself to Galileo. You can’t make stuff up like this. Ron Paul has been mauled by the TSA and is not happy about it or much of anything else. Second time through, it is virtually impossible for Willard Mitt Romney to be out-smugged by anybody, even an unctuous Texan. Hermann Cain likes Chile. The country, not the food. And the major difference between Elvis Presley and Rick Santorum’s candidacy is… there is none, they’re both rock salt, shaved-dust, dead. Jon Huntsman may be running for the wrong party’s nomination. Trying to steer the group from the edge of various abysses, he and Newt shared the big boy babysitter role, while Bachmann lost more momentum than a dark matter anvil hitting a freeway sound wall. Big winner… Sarah Palin. For being prescient enough to not to have made up her mind yet. But there’s plenty of time. This was just the premier stop for

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

the traveling abattoir. There are dozens of chances for continued bloodletting until either Perry or Romney drops from the death of 1000 cuts, or they take each other out in a murder-suicide pact. While Team Obama roots for Perry from the sidelines the same way Jimmy Carter cheered on Bonzo’s sidekick back in 80. Be careful what you wish for. GOP Pledge Drive I pledge. You pledge. We all pledge. Pledge allegiance to the flag. Pledge to stop smoking and drinking. As much. In front of the kids. NPR and PBS are ridiculous with their annoying pledge drives. Our leaders pledge and pledge and pledge to stop ignoring the past. Then they don’t. And in every second living room in America you can smell Lemon Pledge. These are the pledges of our lives. But this campaign season, the whole pledging thing has rocketed out of control with broken O-rings. To where anybody who plans on getting up close and personal with a Republican candidate in the near future might want to carry an oath-repelling umbrella because pledges are raining down like frog parts after a methane gas explosion in the amphibian wing of an aquarium. The pledges have become longitudinally rampant, running all over the map from gay marriage to abortion to Shariah law to the teaching of intelligent design. Which we can all agree is neither. Keep waiting for the American Association of Apple Growers to issue its demand that potential nominees publicly vow to avoid blueberry pies while running for president. “Communists eat cherry pie.” “Meringue is so French.” “Rhubarb is for Wussies.” Rick Perry recently signed the Anti-Gay Marriage Pledge, which counteracts his previous pledge to leave the question up to the states. So, according to him, pandering homophobia trumps states rights. Of course Rick Perry not so long ago pledged not to run for President, so he seems to have a rather fluid attitude as far as these pledges go. This good ol’ boy needs to be careful lest he get labeled a pledging contradicter. Righter than right conservatives first gained success with the Susan B Anthony Pledge in which anybody running for president promises to appoint anti-abortion cabinet members. Then out flew the Cut, Cap and Balance Pledge, which cuts, caps and balances the budget, focusing on giving rich people more money. And now, the Marriage Vow, which is similar to, yet different from the Anti-Gay Marriage Pledge. In this, candidates oppose same sex marriage, reject Shariah Law and pledge personal fidelity to their spouse. Which you’d think they’d have done during their wedding, but you never know with these kids and their crazy vows these days. Haven’t heard anything about the Paris Hilton pledge to wear underwear while getting out of cars. Or the Foot-Long Corn Dog Pledge: never to allow photography while eating at the State Fair. And let’s not forget the Charlie Sheen Career Management Pledge, in which people take an intractable oath not to embarrass everyone they’ve ever met. Then again, these are politicians. The Marriage Vow is the one that said black children born into slavery were more likely to be raised by a two-parent family than African-American children today, which some people pointed out kind of, almost, nearly, endorsed slavery. Little bit. Although Michele Bachmann admitted signing it, she later recanted, claiming not to have read it. Oh, there you go. Signed it but didn’t read it. You know what we need? I’ll tell you what we need. We need candidates willing to sign a pledge not to sign any pledges they haven’t read. And bearing in mind the state of illiteracy currently in evidence, that in itself should cut down on this widespread pledging, considerably.

October, 2011


Legend In His Own Mind The former V.P. came out with a book...

Some alternative titles were suggested...

and made the rounds for interviews.

that many thought were more to the point.

Cheney said his tome would blow people away...

October, 2011

and that it would set the record straight.

HUMOR TIMES

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Red Meat Fest The rockin’ GOP presidential debate tour continued...

attracting sellout crowds.

Bachmann is dead serious... but the newcomer is draining some of her support.

He’s another Texan... who understands how the system works. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2011


Califor nia Stage presents

Medal of Honor Rag

Gov. Perry’s campaign, like his state, is catching fire...

California Stage opens its 20th production year with a powerful drama about America’s readiness for returning soldiers. Hundreds of thousands of returning soldiers from the Middle East will have PTSD. This play is a solemn true narration of one Soldiers’ plight. It is dramatic and haunting. Directed by Janis Stevens • Written by Tom Cole Starring Patrick Murphy, Isaac Williams and Robert Bogue

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Meanwhile, the country waits on Palin with baited breath.

California Stage opens its’ 20th season with powerful drama on veteran’s PTSD About one in three Vietnam veterans suffered from full or partial Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) after the war – it is estimated that over 300,000 of our returning soldiers from the Middle East will have PTSD. The play “Medal of Honor Rag,” opening at California Stage October 28th, is a solemn true nar ra tion of one Soldiers’ plight. It is a dramatic, haunting play. The play tells the true story of D.J. Jackson, who was awarded the Con gres sio nal Medal of Honor for his heroic efforts in Vietnam in the 70’s. As the story goes, he is disillusioned, despondent and depressed, and has seen countless of psychiatrists since his return to the United States from the war. Seeing a new psychiatrist, his initial reac-

October, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

tion is to be hostile and suspicious. But what follows are bitter and emotional exchanges, as these two individuals, both guilty survivors of Vietnam, verbally spar until the doctor draws out the horror and disgust that has traumatized D.J. from explosive outbursts to heart wrenching cries. The play is di rected by award-winning veteran theater artist Janis Stevens, with Patrick Murphy and the attending psychotherapist, Isaac Williams as Medal of Honor winner, Dale Jackson and Robert Bogue as a military police sergeant. Reservations can be made by phoning 916-451-5822, or you m ay or der on l i ne at www.CalStage.org. The play will show in Three Penny Theatre, 1725 25th Street Sacramento.

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What They’re Saying On President Obama’s American Jobs Act, the public is lukewarm – a plurality are “somewhat” confident the agenda will “create jobs and improve the economy,” but support is hardly one-sided. Notice, however, what happens when respondents are asked about individual provisions: Cut payroll taxes: Good idea 56%, bad idea 30% State aid to prevent public-sector layoffs: Good idea 52%, bad idea 40% Infrastructure investments: Good idea 80%, bad idea 16% Small business tax cuts: Good idea 81%, bad idea 14% Also note, a 71% majority believes any deficit reduction plan should include a combination of both tax increases and spending cuts – an approach rejected at a fundamental level by the GOP... This may seem counter-intuitive – if people like the parts, they should like the whole – but it makes a lot of sense. Indeed, we saw the exact same thing during the fight over health care reform when Americans said they didn’t like the Affordable Care Act, but strongly supported all of the ideas in the proposal. The problem is one of political perceptions – the president is struggling, so when folks are asked about his plan, the question becomes a referendum on him. But when asked about specific ideas, it turns out most Americans agree with Obama... – Steve Benen, Washington Monthly, 9/17/11 Watching the Republican presidential candidates and their agitated tea party supporters at the CNN/Tea Party debate, an ordinary citizen might feel confused. Those people sound angry, but exactly what do they believe our government should (and shouldn’t) do on behalf of its citizens? Ensuring affordable health care for everyone seemed to be on the forbidden list... It was a revealing moment that may foretell a new and meaner Republican platform: If you lose your job and your health care, don’t expect any help, except perhaps from the church. And if your innocent kids get sick, too bad for them. For get about Medicare, Medicaid and any American who can’t afford private insurance. This is a free country – so don’t get sick... Yet during the same debate, Rick Perry, the GOP’s leading contender, justified his pro gram to in oc u late young school girls against cervical cancer by explaining that he was putting life first, as always – and then boasted about the millions of state dollars he has spent seeking a cure for cancer. While all the other candidates attacked the Texas governor for his Gardasil vaccination program, what bothered them more than the state funding was the alleged lack of parental con sent. In prin ci ple, most of them seemed to think that state-funded protection for children against a deadly disease might even be acceptable... Lack of insurance – and lack of adequate insurance – present a daily concern for increasing numbers of Americans. According to the Census Bureau, the exact number has reached 49.9 million, the highest number since the advent of Medicare and Medicaid and the highest percentage of uninsured Americans since the recession of 1976... The Republicans up on that debate stage and the tea party claque don’t think this is their problem. They don’t care. They must be the only Christians in the world who would cheer wildly at the idea of someone dying from lack of health insurance. And they will nevertheless vote for the Texan who spent millions of state dollars vaccinating those little girls. Is it the fury and the bile that kills brain cells? – Joe Conason, Creators.com, 9/16/11

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The Hightower Lowdown Let’s Get Real on Jobs You know what’s wrong with the American economy, Bucko? You, that’s what. Yeah, yeah, it’s true that the reckless global gambling schemes of Wall Street bankers are what wrecked our economy – and, yes, Congress and the Federal Reserve have used trillions of our public dollars to bail out miscreant bankers, while ignoring the plight of people like you whose jobs, businesses, homes and middle-class incomes have been devastated by banker greed. And, sure, it’s also true that corporations are hoarding $2 trillion in cash and getting billions of dollars a year in subsidies from taxpayers like you, yet refusing to hire Americans or to make job-creating investments in our country. But blah-blah-blah, Bucko, this does not excuse your refusal to do your duty as an American consumer. CEOs say that they won’t start hiring until you consumer slugs get out there and spend, spend, spend. And don’t use the whiney excuse that you’re out of work or mired in debt – Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says that he has looked at macro economic statistics and concluded that you’re just being irrationally negative about the health of our econ omy. “Households seem exceptionally cautious,” declared the perplexed Fed chairman recently, suggesting that your lack of confidence in the economy is a psychosis that’s fueling a larger depression. Yes, chimed in another Federal Reserve banker, “it’s hard to have a robust recovery when Americans are so dispirited.” So, hey – perk up, America! Stop waiting on

Wall Street, Washington and corporate chieftains to do something. Forget economic reality – just pull out your credit cards, put on a smile, and march to the mall. Wow, I can’t tell you how much more confidence I have in our economic future knowing that America’s corporate and political leaders are so insightful and in-touch. How about you? By the way, President Obama has also joined the perky posse of national leaders who’re urging Americans to be more upbeat about the economic doldrums we’re in. “Shake off all the naysaying and the anxiety and the hand-wringing,” he recently told us, sounding a lot like a football coach telling a player to shake off a concussion and get back in the game. The president’s pep talk came the day after he made his “bold” jobs proposal to Congress. But Obama’s plan is more Walter Mittyish than Rooseveltian. While it does include some useful provisions to help stem the loss of still more jobs (especially those teachers, firefighters and other public employees being offed by Republican governors), it essentially consists of more corporate tax breaks – a form of bribery to induce enormously rich corporations to hire American workers. This is the same old same old that Washington keeps throwing at the problem and – hello, Washington – it’s not working. Sure enough, corporate chieftains say they’ll gladly take the latest handout, but we should not expect them to go on a big hiring spree. Mostly, they’ll use the money to cover the few people they were going to hire anyway – and pocket the rest. Nontheless, Obama is now barnstorming the

JIM HIGHTOWER country, rallying crowds to demand that Congress “stop the political circus and actually do something to help the economy” by passing his plan. Fine ... but what about the corporate circus? And the Wall Street circus? It’s time to stop coddling these gluttonous narcissists. America is in crisis, sinking toward depression. The president should really get bold by calling out and shaming corporate executives who suck up America’s wealth, then turn their backs on us, as though the only loyalty they owe is to their own avarice – none to their country. Likewise, he should kick the bailed-out bankers right in their ample butts and insist publicly that they start making loans to America’s smaller business that do want to create good jobs in our country. Let’s stop begging and start demanding. It’s not just income disparity that’s a problem. Consider how this all started. A bunch of smart people set up a kind of scam using complex financial instruments that no one can understand. They got rich beyond all imagination, while the rest of us lost our jobs, lost our retirement money, lost, in some cases, our homes. And then we were told that there was no money for our cops, no money for our firefighters, our nurses, our teachers. And next we’ll be told that our Social Security check will be smaller and we’ll have to wait another year or two to get our Medicare. Meanwhile, the rich, represented ably by the Republicans, refuse to pay one dime in extra taxes. – Booman, BoomanTribune.com, August 11, 2011

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October, 2011


Always Remember to Never Forget The country observed the 10th anniversary of 9/11...

a day they say “changed everything.�

And America has changed... but not, unfortunately, for the better.

Heroes were praised... and citizens coast to coast pondered that day.

October, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

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Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


“We Report, You Decry!” Letter from Rick Perry Introducing PerryCare™ Dear American, For the last few weeks I’ve been under constant attack. My opponents would have you believe that if I’m elected, you’ll be stripped of your Social Security benefits and will be scrounging for food in dumpsters with all the desperation of a feral cat. Of course, that’s true. But what they don’t tell you is what I’d replace Social Security with: an amazing new program I like to call PerryCare ™. Under PerryCare ™, you’ll receive all the food, clothing and shelPerry: Prayer is care. ter yo u need, and it won’t cost a dime in taxes. How is that possible? Simple: you’ll be praying for all those things. As a PerryCare™ recipient, each week you’ll re ceive i n your email box a PerryCare™ PrayerMail™, giving you an easy-to-recite prayer for the bread, milk, cat food or whatever else you need to survive. It’s like a Groupon from God. PerryCare™ is more than a replacement for that infernal Ponzi scheme that has bamboozled Americans with regular monthly checks for 75 years. It is part of my larger plan to return prayer to its rightful place in American life. I get down on my knees every night and I promise you, if I am elected your President, I will bring this entire country to its knees. I expect that some of my opponents will laugh at my plan, especially that lawn gnome Ron Paul and Michele “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann. Fine, let them laugh! Laughter is the best medicine. And if I am elected, there will be no other medicine. That brings me to my PerryCare™ medical plan, which will replace Medicare once I consign that Ponzi scheme to the electric chair of history. I don’t have enough time to go into the whole plan right now, but here it is in two words: single prayer. Your next President, Gov. Rick Perry – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

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Nation Braces for End of Junk Mail Counseling service set up for millions as Post Office announces pending shut down A Humor Times Exclusive fun and easily accessible specials for your home!” While it has always been fashionable to complain “Besides, let’s face it,” he added, “without us, the about junk mail, many millions enjoy it, say psychol- post office would have been out of business years ogists. And as a result of recent news of U.S. Post Of- ago.” fice financial troubles, Others will miss junk mail for entirely differthose un so lic ited ad ent reasons: those who use it for birdcage liners, lov ers are re port edly fish wrap, packaging materials and fire starter. already suffering withIn fact, the Forest Service is worried that drawal symptoms. without all the free fire starter, rural areas will “Where will I get suffer from increased harvesting of kindling my junk mail every day from the forest floor. “In ways we’ve never conif the post office goes sidered, junk mail is actually good for Ameraway?” asks Ce cilia ica,” said Eldorado National Forest Supervisor Deaner, 73, of Topeka, Clint Wilson. “Indeed, in the final analysis, all Kan sas, her voice that trash may essential for the nation’s environchoked with tears. “I mental health.” Junk mail: We hardly knew ye. can’t imagine why they Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT), known for would leave us in the lurch like this. That nice mail- his compassion, has introduced Senate Bill 4076, man has always been there, filling my mail box, mak- “The Junk Mail Scarcity Counseling Act of 2011,” to ing it feel like Christmas every morning!” help those who need it during the Stories like this are cropping up all over the natransition to a time of empty mail tion, mostly affecting seniors. “A lot of older folks boxes. are not interested in joining the internet revolu“These are the most vulnerable tion, and many are trying to get by on very tight in our society,” said Sanders in a budgets,” says Johnathan Sanders, a psychologist press conference announcing the who specializes in helping seniors. “They don’t bill. “We must not judge them for like the new shows on TV, ever since Andy Griftheir appalling lack of taste, nor fith went off the air. And they get a lot of their entheir susceptibility to crass advertistertainment going through junk mail ads.” ing techniques. They need our help, But it’s not only seniors, says Wilbur Stevens and we should be there for them.” of Print & Mail, one of the many companies busi- Uniformed helpers “My bill provides for people, nesses use to print and send their advertising mailers. dressed in blue uniforms, to walk the streets, deliver“A lot of people enjoy our absolutely amazing, color- ing packets of leaflets and colorful brochures, along ful and informative genuine product information with pages in envelopes, that help them through their mailers!” he said. “For generations, millions have re- grieving,” he said. “We’re recruiting right now. Must lied on our practical, reliable packets, crammed with be able to handle the occasional unfriendly dog.”

‘Credible Threats’ Made to US Government Homeland Security studying two-hour ‘jihad’ video from TV broadcast WASHINGTON – The Department of Homeland Security said today that it was studying several

Shadowy group is under investigation.

“credible threats” made to the United States government in a two-hour broadcast in September from a location believed to be the Reagan Library in Simi Valley, California. Homeland Security spokesman Harland Dorinson said that they did not want to alarm the American people, “but whenever you have a group of individuals threatening to dismantle the US government piece

by piece, it has to be taken seriously.” In reviewing the two-hour tape, Homeland Security officials said they found threats to some of the most essential functions of the US government, from Social Security to the Federal Reserve. While stopping short of saying that the speakers were engaged in some sort of jihad, Mr. Dorinson did note that a tone of religious extremism dominated the video. “One speaker in particular, seemed bent on rolling back the advances of science and plunging America back into the Dark Ages,” he said. But the most terrifying moment in the tape came when that same speaker received thunderous applause from the audience after threatening to execute people. “We’re posting pictures of this individual on our website,” Mr. Dorinson said. “Hopefully he will be captured before he can carry out any of his plans.” Reported by Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

“Let Corporations Do What They Damn Well Please Act” Introduced “Believe in Magic & Fairy Dust to Make It All Better Act” close behind A Humor Times Special Report President Obama said he hasn’t made up his mind on whether to sign a new bill that Congress delivered to him today, but that he’s leaning towards it. “As we know, big corporations are the job creators, even though they’ve been sitting on huge piles of money and not hiring for years now,” said the president in a recent press conference. “But if we take away all the rules – not just most of them – then maybe they’ll do the right thing.” “It only makes sense,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, “after all, corporations are people too, and they have feelings. You know how you felt when your mother laid down a bunch of mean rules for you to follow as a kid? Well, that’s how they feel now. They may act like bullies, but it’s just a reaction to an over-controlling mother –

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or in this case, government.” or some other A related bill is expected to reach the presitechnological feat. dent’s desk soon, the “Believe in Magic & But of course, unbeFairy Dust to Make It All Better Act.” If that lievers in the Debill passes and is signed by Obama, Congress part ment of the would simply take the entire remainder of its Interior wouldn’t alcurrent session off, which ends December 29, low that.” 2012. All regulatory agencies would also “As the Grand New bill to “make it all better.” cease functioning until that time. Magic Wizard Ron“Once we get the government out of the way, ald Reagan once said, ‘government is the probmagic can finally happen,” said Rep. Eric Cantor, lem,’” said Rep. Michele Bachmann, on a majority leader in the House. “Think of it. Without campaign stop recently. burdensome regulation, the Gulf oil spill would not “That’s why we who don’t believe in governhave spiraled out of control, as market solutions ment want so badly to be part of the government. would have been allowed to happen. From within, we can show just how bad it really is, “BP could have sent water fairies down there to and that it doesn’t ever accomplish anything. As plug the hole with magic water-soluble fairy dust you’ve seen, we make darn sure of that.”

HUMOR TIMES

In Compromise, GOP Allows One Part-Time Job Step in right direction, president says WASHINGTON – In what the White House hailed as “an example of what can be accomplished when we put aside partisan differences,” congressional Republicans today responded to President Obama’s $447 billion American Jobs Act by allowing the President to create one part-time job. While details of what the job would entail remain to be determined, it was expected to be in the lawn work or handing-out-flyers industry. At the W h i t e House, the President a c k n o w l“Right direction,” says prez. edged that creating one part-time job fell somewhat short of the millions of full-time jobs envisioned in his proposed legislation, but added, “This is clearly a step in the right direction.” In order to secure funding for the part-time job, Mr. Obama had to cave to a series of Republican demands, including tax breaks for second homes and third wives. But even as the President and congressional Repub licans an nounced their agree ment on the part-time job plan, the proposal came under attack from GOP presidential front-runner Rick Perry, who blasted the plan for creating yet another worker who would someday be eligible for Social Security. “If we don’t cut Social Security now, we won’t have enough money to execute our children’s children,” Gov. Perry said. – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

Boehner Creating Jobs Humor Times Capitol Bureau Speaker John Boehner said today that his office is planning to form an advisory panel to investigate the possibility of creating an initiative to think about making plans to perhaps hold hearings on the p r e s i d e n t ’s jobs bill. “It’s all part of our move to speed up the process,” he said. “We will look at the p r e s i d e n t ’s pro posal, but Boehner: “Job panel is the jobs.” at the end of the day, we’ve got to stay the course, and exercise sound judgement, regarding any recommendations, looking to move the process forward, so that we might address the problem, and meet these challenges head on, down the road, keeping all options on the table, of course,” Boehner added. The Speaker noted that as a former small business man, he has different ideas on helping the economy than “our friends across the isle.” “It’s been so long, I can’t remember what small business I used to run, but I’m sure I was all for huge tax breaks for big business, so that they might trickle down on mine.” Boehner said Congress should create an environment where employers will feel comfortable. “So we should give them tax breaks for leather chairs, plush carpets, stocked bars, and if necessary, dancing girls, to help them relax,” he said. “After all, they are the job creators.” “As for getting Americans working again,” he said, “we’re planning meetings, committees, committee meetings, all that. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got another meeting with my bosses – er, that is, constituents – the Koch brothers.”

October, 2011


All Shook Up First an earthquake...

then a hurricane...

and East-coasters had had enough. But there are reasons for everything.

The lesson? You shouldn’t expect help... but always be self-reliant.

October, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

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Back to Work Labor Day was celebrated again...

reminding folks of the old days.

Everyone is hurting in this economy... except for a few, but even they’re worried.

Solutions have been tried... but with mixed results. (continued)

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2011


Dead Letter Office Republicans have some fresh ideas, they say...

Postal employees are used to being abused...

and they’re certain Americans see it their way.

but they’re dealing with completely new threats...

But most folks are weary of the game.

October, 2011

to their very existence.

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Reboot

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Spring in Their Step

Obama is under siege from without...

Obama got a needed lift...

and within his own party.

but Gadhafi remained elusive.

Maybe he should take a cue.

Meanwhile, other dictators are feeling like sitting ducks.

HUMOR TIMES

October, 2011


Argus Sez Scarlett Johansson was victimized recently by hackers who stole nude pictures the movie star took of herself with her cellphone. The photos are all over the Internet. In New York that could cost you a U.S. congressional seat but in Los Angeles it can get you elected to one. Michael Jackson’s executor said the singer has made three hundred million dollars since his overdose death. Elvis has made twice that since he died. It proves that while drugs may kill you, they give you the energy to work another fifty years after you die. Virgin Atlantic announced it will allow customers to download video and audio files via Wi-Fi to their laptops and tablets during flights. Technology is amazing. You can now join the Mile High Club all by yourself under a blanket without ever leaving your seat. The White House set up an Internet site called Attack Watch asking people to report all criticisms of President Obama. They want to know every nasty remark. The next day the servers crashed from all the traffic, and that was just from the Democrats in New York. Democrats lost Anthony Weiner’s vacated U.S. Congress seat in Brooklyn in a heavily Demo cratic dis trict. They brought in Bill Clinton to do robo-calls but it didn’t help. It just reminded voters that Anthony Weiner had exposed himself to women he’d just met. Bill Clinton will be honored at a Hollywood Bowl concert in October that will feature Bono and Lady Gaga. The show will salute the president for his charity work. He fed the comedians so well that we have enough body fat reserved to survive the Obama years. President Obama’s presidential re-election campaign sent out an e-mail in the teeth of his low approval numbers. It asks supporters to donate five dollars to enter a raffle that offers din-

October, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

ARGUS HAMILTON ner with him as first prize. Second prize is dinner and a speech. President Obama’s job stimulus bill was jettisoned by House Democrats because it taxes charitable donations. Everybody can read the tea leaves. Caroline Kennedy just released a recording of her mother saying Barack Obama can’t be re-elected. Congress probed a stimulus loan to Solyndra solar power recently. They took five hundred million in taxpayer loans and the money just vanished. Solar power generates electricity by mixing the energy of the sun along with the persuasiveness of Bernie Madoff. The TSA announced new rules for passing kids through airport security checkpoints. The changes were necessary. It was taking so long to get children through security that parents were buying plane tickets just for a few hours of baby-sitting service. The Cherokees defied a U.S. government order and dropped three thousand black people from the tribal rolls who aren’t Indians but descendants of Cherokee slaves. There’s an obvious compromise here. The slave descendants could take all the revenue from the bets on black and the Cherokees could take all the revenues from the bets on red. The Uni ver sity of Oklahoma pon dered switching to the Pac Twelve, allowing the Sooners to spend half their season in L.A. and San Francisco. It’s very risky. The Amish have had great success in testing their young men’s moral fiber by sending them out into the sinful world for six months, and now the Southern Baptists want to try it for six games.

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Miscellaneous Mischief

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October, 2011


October, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

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And Finally: In Sports… College athletes have lots of motivation...

‘Sex strike’ successful Women in the southern Philippines brought peace to their strife-torn village by threatening to withhold sex if their men kept fighting, the UN refugee agency reported Friday. The “sex strike” in rural Dado village on the often lawless southern island of Mindanao in July helped end tensions and bring some prosperity to the 102 families living there, said UNHCR national officer Rico Salcedo. “The area is in a town which is subject to conflict, family feuds, land disputes. The idea came personally from the women,” Salcedo told AFP. The idea was conceived by a group of women who had set up a sewing business but found that they could not deliver their products because the village road was closed by the threat of violence, Salcedo said.

Attempted murder charge for Xanax coffee DELAND, FL – Police in Florida said a woman was charged with attempted murder after she allegedly began spiking her husband’s coffee with Xanax. The Volusia County Sheriff’s Office said Donald Goetz, 47, told deputies Wednesday he did not know why he had been feeling ill for the past week until his wife, Melissa Goetz, left him an accidental voicemail message featuring her telling another woman about putting Xanax in his coffee, the Orlando Sentinel reported Friday. Melissa Goetz told deputies her husband was abusive and she put the Xanax in his coffee to calm him down and curb the physical abuse. Deputies said Melissa Goetz, who had no signs of injuries, was arrested and charged with attempted felony murder and poisoning of food or water.

Mystery Boy Emerges From Woods Police in Berlin are baffled over the identity of a boy who emerged from the forest, saying he’d lived there for five years with his father. The boy, believed to be about 17, showed up at Berlin’s City Hall on Sept. 5. He said he had lived in earthen huts and tents with his father until the elder man died. At that point, the boy, who speaks fluent English and little German, used a compass to walk north for two weeks, finally winding up in Berlin carrying a sleeping bag and backpack, according to The Associated Press. “He said that he had lived for the last five years wandering around with his father,” Police spokesman Michael Maass said. “We don’t know where.” Maass said the boy claims he and his father went into the forest after his mother died. The boy says he doesn’t remember where his family came from, but said his father called him “Ray” and that his dad’s name was Ryan and his mother’s name was Doreen. He is in good health and police have issued a Europe-wide appeal to try and determine his identity, though they would not release photos of him. The German paper The Local said the boy buried his father in a shallow grave, which he covered with stones. His father died after falling, he told authorities, according to Heinrich Walling, an NBC News staffer based in Germany. The boy said his father had told him to travel north until he found help if something were to happen.

to move on...

78-year-old first grader starts school in Bulgaria

to the pros, where fans may be more at risk than the players.

A 78-year-old Bulgarian man started off the new school year on Thursday like hundreds of children a fraction of his age ... in first grade. Apostol Stoyanov from the central village of Popovtsi never got a chance to attend school when he was a kid and decided to enroll in first grade this year, at the age of 78, the state BTA news agency reported citing school officials. The elderly man, who attended the start of classes Thursday in Gabrovo alongside another 430 first graders, told the agency that he was illiterate but had already started practicing to write letters. Maths scared him but he expected teachers to help him. Stoyanov, who lives alone and barely makes ends meet, will not attend regular classes but will be a private student at the school, BTA said.

Unwanted Camera Lens Airmailed Through Roof of Petaluma Home PETALUMA, CA – Petaluma police were working to track down the owner of a camera lens that apparently fell from the sky earlier this month, damaging a local family’s home. Debbie Payne, 55, said she found the approximately two-pound, 9-inch Canon camera lens outside of her home on Friday, Sept. 2, after hearing a loud crash that shook the two-story house, left a hole in her roof and sliced through two window screens. She said the noise was loud enough to startle her next-door neighbor, who quickly spotted a piece of the camera lens next to a truck parked in his driveway. After reviewing Payne’s mailed-in police report on Wednesday, officers are now tracking the lens’ serial number and working with the Petaluma Airport and the Federal Aviation Administration to determine whether the part may have fallen from a plane. The longtime Petaluma resident said she hopes to recoup the $1,000 insurance deductible she paid to fix the damage to her roof and screens, which contractors estimated would cost about $4,500 to repair. But mostly, Payne said, she’s grateful the lens didn’t cause further harm—especially since she lives about 200 feet from an elementary school. “It would have killed someone, had there been someone underneath the lens,” she said.

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HUMOR TIMES

October, 2011


October, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

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