Page 1


2

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2011


Editor’s Rant

An Incredible “WET” Year!

American politics seems to be an exercise in absurdity these days. The recent self-made crisis regarding the debt ceiling is a perfect example. With unemployment hovering officially around 9-10% (and unofficially closer to 20%), Washington could think of nothing better to do than create a “crisis” that took every scrap of their attention for a few months. All over something that has been done routinely for decades, under both Republican and Democratic presidents. The fact that getting the economy going again would in itself help to pay down the debt seemed too esoteric a concept for this bunch. The “tea party” – that un-party that managed to elect a bunch of temper-tantrum specialist Republican juvenile congressmen in the last election – shoulders most of the blame, of course. It was they who pressured Speaker of the House “Orange Man” Boehner to insist on draconian cuts to anything that might help those in need in this super-recession, while absolutely refusing to ask those who can actually afford it to give up something. Still, the Democrats, especially President “the Hope is Gone” Obama, deserve a lot of the blame for letting these fools push them – and by extension, the American people – around. A vast majority, in poll after poll, favor restoring the upper income tax rates to what they were during the boom years of the Clinton era. Even billionaire Warren Buffet has come out strongly (again) for raising taxes on the rich. But of course, the talking heads on Fox “News” and the toxic-stew-breathing Rush Limbaugh on radio resorted to the same old, worn out, over-misused cliche, calling Buffet a “socialist.” Sure, a billionaire is a socialist… right. That’s how he got so rich. Good one, Fox. How did you find that out? Bugging his cell phone? Well, now that the debt circus has closed, can we get back to creating jobs (if the new law hasn’t made it impossible)? There are some good plans out there. Like the one Illinois Democratic Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky proposed: The Emergency Jobs to Restore the American Dream Act. “Over two years, her plan would cost $227 billion and would be paid for by tax increases for those earning more than $1 million and $1 billion, closing corporate tax loopholes and ending subsidies for big oil,” according to an article by Michael Winship on Truthout.org, 20 August 2011. This bill is based on the conclusions of a report titled “Back to Work: A Public Jobs Proposal for Economic Recovery,” written by Rutgers law and economics professor Philip Harvey. It says “a million temporary jobs in a federally administered, direct jobs creation program – jobs in childcare, elder care, education, public health and housing, construction and maintenance, recreation and the arts” could be created, and as many as 414,000 jobs outside the program. “Annual cost in program spending: $46.4 billion. Actual net cost, taking into account revenues and savings: only $28.6 billion.” As it happens, the federal government would have collected about $295 billion in additional revenue during 2011, if the Bush-era tax cuts had been allowed to expire at the end of 2010. More than enough to cover Schakowsky’s program and put America back to work. As Jon Stewart pointed out on the Daily Show on Comedy Central, you could increase revenues by $700 billion over ten years simply by letting the Bush tax cuts expire for the rich – a few measly percentage points. Or, you could raise the same amount of money – and this seems to be the preferred Fox plan – by taking HALF of EVERYTHING the bottom 50% in this country own. I say the better plan is to let the ultra-rich top 2% pay something back to the country that helped them attain such obscene levels of wealth. But then, I guess that makes me a “socialist.” – James Israel, Publisher/editor The Humor Times® (ISSN 1937 299X), Vol. 20, Issue 237, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 4208 Norton Way, Sacramento, CA 95820. Periodicals Postage Paid at Sacramento, CA and additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Printed by: Herburger Publications, Inc., Galt, CA 95632. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: info@humortimes.com. Phone: 916-455-1217. Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lester, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Tom Toles, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2011. No part may be reproduced without permission.

The flows are good… and the prices are even better!

Surf raftwet.com

to our website

for special discounts!

1.888.RAFTWET Be our fan! facebook.com/wetrivertrips Follow us! twitter.com/raftwet

E R R I V

P S T R I

This ain’t just your dad’s old Factory Car Stereo Repair and Vintage/Classic Car Radio Restoration store! We also do: • Alarms • Back-up Cameras • DVD/navigation • iPod/Bluetooth Integration Drop on by to check out the shop & for a Free Estimate!

RaysAutoStereo.com • ldtheradiogeezer@gmail.com 1925 “F” Street, Sacramento, CA 95811 • 916-447-9753 • Fax 916-447-2725

$1 • SAVE A BUCK by entering your subscription online! Go to humortimes.com! • $1 ALWAYS A WELCOME GIFT IDEA!!! Name: ___________________________________________________________________ Address: _________________________________________________________________ City: ______________________________________ State: ______ Zip: _____________ If a gift, your name: ________________________________________________________ Email (helps us keep renewal notice costs down):_________________________________ 12 issues (1 year) . . . . . $19.95 24 issues (2 years) . . . . $36.95 36 issues (3 years). . . . $53.95 Please Check if RENEWAL

12 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $33.95 24 issues/Canada . . . . . . . . . $65.95 12 issues/Foreign Sub. . . . . . $50.95 12 issues/PDF download. . . . . $9.95 Donation: I’d like to help the cause of political humor! $_________

Send check or money order payable to the Humor Times to: Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816 a

Or use your: p Discover

p Visa

p Mastercard

p American Express

Card no.: ____________________________________________ Security code: ____________ (3-digit # on back, or if AX, 4-digit # on front)

Signature: __________________________________________ Exp. date: _________________ Name (as it appears on the card): _______________________________ Phone: _________________ (Please allow 4-6 weeks for first issue. Phone orders: 916-455-1217.)

September, 2011

Don’t Keep It All to Yourself – Give the HUMOR TIMES! The gift that keeps ‘em laughing all year long!

HUMOR TIMES

3


Downgraded It was a tough job, but someone had to do it, they said...

as each side tried to outsmart the other.

The “tea party� was riding roughshod...

The prez knows how to handle tough situations...

4

and seemed to enjoy it.

but he seems clueless when it comes to negotiation. (cont.)

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2011


Both sides got beat up...

and tried to find the bright side.

The suspense was unbearable...

but you knew how it would end, didn’t you?

Finally, the deal was made...

September, 2011

and it was time to move on. (continued, page 7)

HUMOR TIMES

5


Super-Duper Congress Oh sure, they made a big show of signing the debt ceiling agreement, with official photo-ops and fancy commemorative pens all accompanied by great racking sighs of relief. But now both Congress and the President are having second thoughts; treating the deal like a dead horsefly floating in their cut-glass tumbler of 25 year-old Scotch. You’d find more enthusiasm from the contestants of a beach volleyball tournament surveying a sand court littered with scorpions scurrying under a sea of broken beer bottles. Speaking of scorpions, included in the agreement was a provision forming a committee responsible for future deficit reduction. 12 members appointed by party leaders from both the House and Senate. Whose mission, should they accept it, is to find 1.5 trillion dollars over a ten year period digging past the bare bones, down into the marrow. Charged to construct a plan by Thanksgiving Eve or risk triggering automatic cuts. Doomsday cuts. Cuts designed to frighten politicians from the most stable of districts. That’s right: cuts to the military. A majority of the committee, equally split between Republicans and Democrats, must agree on the proposal to send it to the whole of Congress who will vote either up or down with no amendments or filibusters allowed: meaning one member has to cross party lines, which is about as likely as pimento-flavored Velveeta taking first place in the 2012 World Championship Artisan Cheese Contest.

6

Even though the American public and pretty much every economist on the face of the planet agrees we need a balance between entitlement cuts and revenue enhancement, the Democrats already snapped that entitlement cuts are off the table and the Republicans are shouting no new revenue will be accepted, so really, what they did was not so much kick the can down the road, but throw it onto the back of a passing flatbed truck where it disappeared over the asphalt horizon. Now, this group has been called many things. Useless. Business as Usual. The Twerpy Twelve. A Dozen Punters. The Craven Caucus. Esteemed Assembly of the Ill-Advisable. League of the Unexceptionally Pontificating Pool of Party Hacks. But most commonly, it is referred to as: “Super Congress.” “Slower than a slug on Thorazine; less powerful than a soggy Kleenex; unable to compromise in a million years. Look! Up in that swiveling leather club seat of that private jet. It’s a ruse, it’s a sham, it’s… Super Congress. Yes, Super Congress. Strange hybrid from another reality, come to Capitol Hill with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal members. Super Congress. Who can change the course of appropriations, bend ethics regulations in the wink of an eye and who, disguised as… the United States Congress Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction, mild mannered functionary of the Hall of Invertebrates, fights the never ending battle against Truth, Justice and the American Way.”

HUMOR TIMES

WILL DURST

And when their capes are discarded and utility belts back in storage, we can move onto the next level of logical suspension and form the Super Duper Congress. Then… Son of Super Duper Congress. And call in Batman or maybe the Justice League or reconvene the Watchmen or that little guy who talks backwards and doesn’t make any sense. Mr. Mxyztplk. You may know him as: Ron Paul. More scorpions, please. The Great Concessionaire Sorry if you settled into your recliner ready to enjoy the blessed silence destined to descend on the political playing field in the aftermath of the Debt Ceiling Death Match. Lasted as long as the life cycle of an adult mayfly. That momentary blissful peace was rudely broken by a cacophony of squeaks and grunts and shouts as each camp tried to out blame the other for the thudding crash Wall Street made falling down a well. Quick, go find Lassie. It appears the Market is not impressed with the two-step deal Congress agreed to kicking and screaming. Look close and you can see the bones of the middle class sticking out of the confetti left over from the banking and oil industry celebrations. Spending cuts during a recession. There you go. Starve a fever and feed a cold, or the other way around? What the hell, starve them both. We’ll eat when we’re dead. Hard to understand why Progressives are so mad at Obama. After all, he didn’t do anything. Besides cave faster than an overused supply tunnel in a Chilean coal mine. The difference is, nobody’s rushing out to organize any rescue parties. Happy Birthday Mister President. Sorry we couldn’t get Marilyn to sing. Doubt if Pelosi hummed it either. The Tea Baggers won, confusing both Democrats and Republicans, by refusing to act like politicians, eschewing all the usual motivations such as their own self-interest or party affinity or even the general welfare of the country. You can’t negotiate with cement. Giving proof to the old adage: “Never get in a fight with an ugly person, they got nothing to lose.” One fascinating thing to come out of the debt debacle was watching the only adult in the room turn from Great Facilitator into Great Enabler before our very eyes. Obama is so determined to govern from the middle, there should be a double-yellow line down the center of his forehead. Democrats may desert him, but he remains king of the Road Kill Party. Would hate to get stuck behind Barack in a grocery line after he was asked “Paper or plastic?” Your ice cream would liquefy waiting for him to convince the clerk he wanted “plaper” or “pastic.” The Tea Party held the government hostage, and the President fell victim to a wicked case of Stockholm Syndrome, bonding with his captors, until at last, he was able to successfully convince the kidnappers to accept more than they originally asked for. The administration called the deal a compromise. The same kind of compromise the Titanic arranged with that iceberg. Like how Nagasaki and Hiroshima compromised with Fat Man and Little Boy. Brokered as many concessions as New Orleans got from Katrina. The financial equivalent of handing over Czechoslovakia after extracting a vague promise to possibly leave Poland alone. Trust he got a rolled up umbrella for his birthday. At this point, you can’t even accuse the Democrats of being afraid of their own shadow, because they don’t cast one. Besides, it’s hard to see your shadow when your head is so far up your butt you can tickle your spleen with your elbow. And if they expect any chance at all in 2012, they’d be wise to invest heavily in stem cell research in hopes of regenerating their spine.

September, 2011


Downgraded (continued) S&P said we’d been irresponsible...

which didn’t help our economy...

and now things are really looking bleak.

and what could go wrong?

September, 2011

So it’s up to the “super committee” to save the day...

Meanwhile, there’s still that one hurdle they’ve been avoiding.

HUMOR TIMES

7


He’s Seen Better Days The prez has been through a lot lately...

and it’s really worn on him.

He has a lot of explaining to do... yet he thought it would be different somehow.

He just turned the big 5-0... but visions of Camelot II are fading fast.

8

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2011


The Top Tier Tango Candidates were well-prepared for their Iowa debate...

but with the votes in, T-Paw didn’t make the grade.

Backmann won the straw poll... while it was revealed she suffers from migraines.

Yet it’s looking like another Texan... will be the anointed one.

September, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

9


What They’re Saying Last year, without due public debate and input, the FCC and Justice Department approved a merger between Comcast and NBC Universal that gave the internet cable giant control over the programming of NBC news. At the same time, pursuant to the 2008 Foreign Intelligence Sur veil l ance Amend ments Act, Comcast as well as all other telecommunication companies are required to cooperate with the Federal government in providing the facility for government to search through all electronic communications sent down their pipes. So presently, the government, with the help of [telecommunication companies], can hack everyone’s phone and email conversations. Here also lies a new 21st century media model: a telecom company that owns and operates the infrastructure for the digital transmission of news and information; simultaneously owns the newsroom; and uses it infrastructure to assist the government in mass, warrantless surveillance of all American citizens. The News of the World spied on a relatively few number of individuals for the purpose of getting a story. Comcast routinely spies on millions of people on behalf of government. The official purpose of such spying is to uncover terrorist plots; however, racial profiling can be used to conduct searches; mass sweeps are warrantless; and adequate judicial oversight of screening criteria and procedures is lacking. Worse still, in this brave new world, the media entrusted to keep an eye on government abuses of power is now part of this overreaching power structure. – Eliot Cohen, Alternet.org, 8/18/11 They weren't murderers or anything; they had merely stolen more money than most people can rationally conceive of, from their own customers, in a few blinks of an eye. But then they went one step further. They… took an oath before Congress, and lied about it. Thanks to an extraordinary investigative effort by a Senate subcommittee that unilaterally decided to take up the burden the criminal justice system has repeatedly refused to shoulder, we now know exactly what Goldman Sachs executives like Lloyd Blankfein and Daniel Sparks lied about. We know exactly how they… defrauded their clients. America has been waiting for a case to bring against Wall Street. Here it is, and the evidence has been gift-wrapped and left at the doorstep of federal prosecutors, evidence that doesn't leave much doubt: Goldman Sachs should stand trial… The mountain of evidence collected against Goldman by Levin's small, 15-desk office of investigators — details of gross, baldfaced fraud delivered up in such quantities as to almost serve as a kind of sarcastic challenge to the curi ously im pas sive Jus tice De part ment — stands as the most important symbol of Wall Street's aristocratic impunity and prosecutorial immunity produced since the crash of 2008... The bank seemed to count on the unwillingness or inability of federal regulators to stop them — and [then lied], apparently confident that their perjury would carry no serious consequences. Thus… a powerful, well-connected firm, with the ear of the president and the Treasury… appears to have conquered the entire regulatory structure and stands now on the precipice of officially getting away with one of the biggest financial crimes in history… If the evidence in the Levin report is ignored, then Goldman will have achieved a kind of corrupt-enterprise nirvana. Caught, but still free: above the law. [All this] came on the heels of a decades-long lobbying campaign by Goldman and [others], who pleaded… for the right to regulate themselves. Before that campaign, banks were closely monitored by federal regulators... Goldman was like a car dealership that realized it had a whole lot full of cars with faulty brakes. Instead of announcing a recall, it surged ahead with a two-fold plan to make a fortune: first, by dumping the dangerous products on other people, and second, by taking out life insurance against the fools who bought the deadly cars. – Matt Taibbi, RollingStone.com, 5/11/11

10

The Hightower Lowdown ‘Governor Supercuts’ for President? GOP-land is all a twitter, now that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has announced that he’s ready to ascend to the White House. His candidacy was actually launched at a Prayer-A-Palooza in Houston the week before he formally announced. While only about 30,000 evangelicals and Republican faithful showed up at the 72,000-seat football stadium rented for his public prayer spectacle, he was given saturation coverage by the corporate media, which has gone gaga over yet another small-minded, right-wing, Texas governor. If the fawning reporters had any real journalistic curiosity about what kind of national “leader” this guy would be, they could have slipped away on that same day to the city’s convention center. There, 100,000 Houstonians gathered in bleak testimony to his gubernatorial leadership. They were some of Houston’s many low-income children and parents who’re struggling to make ends meet in Perry’s hard-scrabble Texas economy. These needy families had come to a citywide, back-to-school event where backpacks, school supplies, uniforms, haircut vouchers, immunizations and bags of food were being provided by the school district. Officials expected 25,000 to show up, but four times that number came. Some families camped out for hours before the doors opened, and many were turned away as supplies were exhausted by 10 a.m. “It shows the need,” observed a solemn school spokesman. Perry is known in Texas as “Governor Supercuts,” not only for his spiffy hairdo, but

also for cutting the budgets of schools, poverty programs and holding down wages. In his 10-year tenure, Perry has created more minimum wage jobs than all other states combined. His superrich state now has more families in poverty and more families without health coverage than any other. He proposes to bring his “Texas Miracle” to the nation as President Supercuts. With Perry, you get the two basic political strains of today’s Republican Party in one suit. On the one hand, he has carefully posed himself in the past couple of years as the farthest out of Tea Party Republican’s far-out right-wingers. Think Michele Bachman with better hair: Perry called the BP oil disaster an “act of God.” His response to the drought that’s devastating Texas was to pray for rain (God did not oblige). He’s a “tenther” who angrily asserted state’s rights to nullify Obama’s “socialist” schemes (until he needed federal cash to fix his state’s bankrupt unemployment fund). He hates government-financed health care – except for himself and his family. He loudly decries big government intrusion into people’s lives, but enacted a law this year to require any woman considering an abortion to have a grossly-invasive probe inserted up her uterus to make her see a sonogram of the embryo. If elected, he would also try to scuttle Social Security, Medicaid and the federal income tax. All this, he warns, or else Texas might secede from the Union – an idea lustily applauded by the other 49 states. On the other hand, Perry is an exuberant corporate Republican, unabashedly hugging any big business lobbyist bearing a campaign check

JIM HIGHTOWER and a wish list. Although he dresses alluringly for the right-wing extremists, the corporate powers are his true love – and vice versa. Even though he’s entering the GOP primary late, with little time to put together a national campaign, The New York Times notes that Perry has, “a vast network of wealthy supporters eager to bankroll his presidential ambitions.” Why? Because he’s already proven to be a trusted peer of the corporate-political establishment. For example, Dallas billionaire Harold Simmons invested $500,000 in Perry’s politics last year, and this year the grateful governor rammed a special favor into law that lets a Simmons corporation reap a fortune by dumping nuclear waste from 38 states in West Texas. Among the 204 donors who’ve invested $100,000-and-up in Perry’s give-and-get gover norship are AT&T, Wal-Mart, the Koch brothers, Dell Inc., Clear Channel, T. Boone Pickens, Time-Warner Cable, James Leininger, TXU Energy, TRT Holdings (Omni Hotels, Gold’s Gym etc.), Bob Perry, Friends of Phil Gramm (who knew he had any!), Bank of America, Valero Energy, Burlington Northern, Harlan Crow, H.B. Zachry, FreeportMcMoRan, Union Pacific Railroad and Exxon Mobil. When Perry promises to do for America what he’s done for Texas, pay attention – it’s no idle threat.

Reach down deep and GIVE to those in need …

OF A GOOD DOSE OF POLITICAL SATIRE! Use the form on page 3, or SAVE A BUCK online at www.humortimes.com! HUMOR TIMES

September, 2011


Jeanette Midori Okazaki, DDS, Inc. • (916) 329-3400 2525 K Street, Suite 305, Sacramento • Most insurance plans accepted www.dentalandholistichealth.com

Family Dentistry with Tender Loving Care.

iPod / iPhone Integration We specialize in direct wire connections for the best possible sound quality in factory and aftermarket systems.

2735 Arden Way (At Fulton)

485-3800

Traditional dentistry with holistic options offered in a warm, caring environment.

5825 Madison Ave.

Acupuncture • Mercury Free • Cerec Crowns Mercury Separators • GREEN Dentistry

(At Manzanita)

338-2500

Acupuncture is offered for relaxation, anesthesia, pain control and healing.

Holistic Resource Referral In keeping with holistic philosophy, we begin each day with our Healing Circle. We do conscious breath-work, meditation and affirmations for our patients and ourselves to create healing, transformation and peace on our planet.

Auto Radio Stereo High End Mobile Electronics Since 1970

The Original Home Brew Outlet Finest Fermentation Equipment & Supplies in Sacramento Beer, Wine, Mead, Sake, Cider, Soda & Vinegars

Open 7 Days Classes & Gift Certificates Available (916)

348-6322

5528 Auburn Blvd (Auburn No. of Garfield) Mon-Sat 10-6 • Sun 10-3 www.ehomebrew.com

SOAPBOX!

AMFlood.com 888-333-1280

with

Jeanie Keltner

• Lowest Flood Insurance Rates • Free Flood Zone Determination • Flood Insurance Nationwide • Talk with a Flood Specialist • Residential, Commercial & Condo • Call Today for a Free Quote

Check out our brand-spanking-new Humor Times website! Yes, we’ve finally joined the 21st Century with a new, interactive website, a big upgrade from our former static html site! Now you can leave comments, participate in our forum, even submit videos and your own cartoon creations! Check out our vastly improved funny videos gallery, where we filter through all the crap out there to bring you the very best! Of course, we still bring you the finest cartoons, humor columns, fake news, etc. But now you can give us feedback through voting, comments and so on. Keep checking back for upcoming new features! Link to us and twitter the site to share with friends!

“Intelligent Talk” Mondays at 8pm on Channel 17 Access Sacramento

Enjoy

Vic’s Ice Cream Vic’s ice Cream is a delicious homemade treat anytime! Enjoy any of dozens of fabulous flavors! And check out our homemade soups & sandwiches! Manufacturing & serving quality products for over 50 years. Family owned & operated.

3199 Riverside Blvd. Sacramento

448-0892 Also Available at: BURR'S FOUNTAIN

WILLIE’S

4920 Folsom Blvd. Sacramento

5050 Arden Way Fair Oaks

Don’t Let Your Friends Go Without … Give the HUMOR TIMES today! September, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

11


Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com

by Jon Carter


“We Report, You Decry!” Manufacturers of Downward Arrows Post Record Profits Rare bright spot on Wall Street NEW YORK – In what stock market analysts are pointing to as a rare bright spot in an otherwise gloomy period for Wall Street, man u facturers of downward arrows posted record profi ts this week. While makers of Down arrows looking up. cars, computers, farm equipment and practically everything else saw their fortunes plunge this week, produc ers of downward arrows notched double-digit gains, inspiring investors to snap up their shares like never before. Companies like National Plunging Arrow Corp and Consolidated Downward Pointy Lines saw their shares rocket as investors rushed to participate in the suddenly red-hot red-arrow sector. “We are seeing investors move out of Treasuries and gold and into downward-arrow stocks,” said analyst Harland Dorinson, who covers plunging trend-line manufacturers for Morgan Stanley. “At a time when the world is facing extreme uncertainty, the one thing we know for sure is that going forward there will be strong demand for downward pointy things.” But the euphoria surrounding the plunging arrow sector may be short-lived, as some analysts caution that investors’ mania for downward arrow stocks may be a bubble, with others warning that downward arrows are increasingly being manufactured in China, where the arrows are mass-produced using far cheaper labor. For his part, though, Morgan Stanley’s Dorinson sees a silver lining in such gloomy forecasts: “Even if people wind up losing billions of dollars investing in downward arrows, you know what? There’s only one way to show that.” – R e p o r t e d b y A n d y B o r o w i t z, borowitzreport.com

Aspiring to the High Standards Set by Cable News

Rich to Receive Care Package After Debt Scare Stress Iowans Thought They Tea Party Republicans hope to restore flagging confidence of the very rich

Were Voting for ‘Batman’

A Humor Times Special Report Titled the “Save Our Fave Philanthropists Republicans passed a stress-relief package for Bill,” the main goal is to get back to normalcy as the rich out of Congress today, and President quickly as possible for the finicky rich, who are Obama pledged to sign it, saying, “The poor rich known to get depressed over even a small setback have suffered enough.” in profit gains. Graph shows slight dip in To accomplish this, the bill profits of the very rich. measures any losses that may The Tea Party-authored have been caused by the rebill, rushed through in just two cent downgrading of the U.S. days, aims to help those makdebt by Standard & Poor’s, ing over $1 million a day, as and gives the affected parties they had “the most to lose, and 110% of that amount, to be are, after all, the job creators,” paid for by cuts in “waste,” said the president. “We’ve got such as funds used to pay Slight dip in profits of the very rich. to keep them happy, and as greedy teachers, who “everyyou know, I’ve been doing my best to exactly that one knows by now make way too much,” said since I got into office.” Garrett. “The recent debt ceiling debate, with all the “We not only avert a potential disaster for thouhysteria over what might happen, was just too sands of threatened portfolios, but we cut out much to bear for sheltered billionaires, who are waste in the system. It’s a win-win,” said Rep. not used to so much stress,” explained Rep. Scott Michele Bachmann (R-MN). “And anyone who Garrett (R-NJ). “This bill will help remedy the ter- knows me, knows I’m not afraid to cut close to the rible wrongs foisted upon these fine Americans, bone. Like I said before, I look to emulate my who feared losing as much as 10% of their profits home town hero, John Wayne Gacy – he knew for the week.” how to cut out waste!”

Surprising results of exit polls

Ron Paul Plugging Marijuana Stance With Ironic Tees WASHINGTON – Ron Pa ul re cen tly co-authored a bill that would legalize marijuana in the United States. He announced this bill as part of an overall effort to change his image into some body w ho c a n have fun, be hip, and still take dow n the Federal Reserve. “ R o n Ron Paul displaying hip persona. P a u l wa s the presidential candidate who had good ideas, but was a little too old and never ran short on hard candy in his pocket,” said Paul’s top aid. “Now he is the presidential candidate with good ideas and a

Bachmann: Concerned About Soviet Menace, Barbarians Wide-ranging radio interview also covers dinosaur threat

t-shirt that says ‘Libertarians do it in the private sector.’” Conservatives have always liked Ron Paul’s ideas, but weren’t sure he had enough charisma, showmanship, or Twitter followers. Paul is trying to change that attitude with this new campaign focused around legalizing Marijuana. Paul declared, “The tax revenue from legalizing pot will help stimulate the economy, aid in job creation, and make voters forget I’m 75 years old.” While legalizing marijuana is the thrust of his new campaign, he will also support his new image by wearing ironic t-shirts, new black-rimmed glasses, and being into bands that nobody else really knows about. “I want Americans to feel comfortable sitting down with me in a dive bar over a PBR tall boy and talking about either ending our involvement in Libya, cutting ethanol subsidies, or the newest Animal Collective album,” said Paul. – Chris Todd, WashingtonFancy.com

China Puts US on eBay ‘Gov’t Sold Separately,’ Listing Says

A Humor Times exclusive an all-Republican congress and White House,” In an interview on a right-wing Christian ra- Backmann warned on the show. “Therefore, dio show on KGMS 940 Arizona today, Repub- it’s obvious that dinosaurs could be at the top of li can con gress woman and that threat list.” presidential hopeful Michele “We need a president who Bachmann revealed herself to will stand up to these imbe quite a world history buff. pending doom scenarios, and Besides pointing out the obmore!” she told host Jay vious Soviet menace, “What Sekulow. “Obama won’t with that pesky Khrushchev alhelp. As far as I can tell, he’s ways sending missiles to Cuba not even aware of things like and all,” Ms. Bachmann went the Indian raids in the hearton to reassure Americans they land – and why would he would be safe from other dancare? Those are Red states!” gers to the homeland, including Towards the end of the the barbarian hoards out of Eushow, she lightened up a bit, rope and dinosaurs. say ing she “would like to “Sure, God made dinosaurs wish Elvis Presley a happy go extinct when he told Noah to Bachmann promises to stand up to birthday,” although she said potential dinosaur menace. exclude them from his Ark – it on the day he died, and she everyone knows that. But there are all kinds of congratulated Britney Spears and Jason Alexplagues awaiting a godless people, should we ander on their marriage. “Such a cute couple – not wake up and hear God’s message and elect they deserve all the happiness in the world!”

14

Headline News Section

BEIJING – Showing its impatience with Washington, China today took the extraordinary step of putting the United States of America on eBay. Officials at the online auction site said it was the first time a major Western nation had been listed for sale there “if you don’t count Greece.” In Beijing, the Chinese Finance Ministry said that it ultimately decided to cut its losses. “We think we’ll attract a buyer on eBay,” the Ministry said. “Say what you will about the US, it’s still one of the top fifty countries in the world.” The listing includes the stipulation “government sold separately,” which the Finance Ministry took great pains to explain. “We thought that including the government in the sale might turn off potential buyers,” the Ministry said. “Plus, the US government isn’t ours to sell anyway – it’s owned by the Koch brothers.” With no bidders in the first 24 hours, China admitted it would be challenging to unload the US, but still held out hope a buyer would step forward: “We’ve got our fingers crossed for Zuckerberg.” – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

HUMOR TIMES

AMES, IOWA – Exit polls taken after the Iowa straw poll may hold the key to explaining the contest’s surprising results, as a majority of Iowans said they thought they were voting for “Batman.” “By a wide margin, Iowans were under the impression that they were casting votes for the c a p e d c r usader,” said poll ster Davis Logsdon of the OpinBachmann savors victory. ion Research Institute. “But at the end of the day, they wound up voting for a different comic-book character altogether.” The Iowa straw poll has reshaped the race for the Republican presidential nomination, with former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty withdrawing after a new poll showed he had only three percent name recognition among members of his immediate family. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin made a campaign swing through the state today, urging voters not to defect to her new rival, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn): “Don’t forget, my fellow Americans, I was a moron before it was cool.” For her part, Rep. Bachmann gave a major address on science and the humanities today in which she declared the Renaissance unconstitutional. “I have good reason not to believe in evolution,” she said. “It’s really let me down.” – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

Murdoch Calls Rioters Criminals: ‘If You Don’t Believe Me, Listen to Their Voicemails’ News Corp chief blasts law-breakers LONDON – News Corporation chief Rupert Murdoch blasted the British rioters today, telling reporters, “These people are criminals. If y ou don’t be l i eve m e, l i s t en t o t he i r voicemails.” Mr. Murdoch said that although he had been listening to the rioters’ phone calls for days, “I had no idea that they were actually go ing to go through with something this beastly.” The News Murdoch: Saddened by lawlessness. Cor p chi ef said he was saddened by what he sees as “the decline of the rule of law in this great nation.” “These thugs seem to think they can just go out there and break the law, willy-nilly, however they please,” he said. “I don’t know where they get crazy ideas like that.” He said that he had confidence that the British police could defeat the rioters, “but if not, I’m going to send in my wife Wendi.” In other legal news, polygamist leader Warren Jeffs was sentenced to life plus twenty years, effectively ending his bid for the Republican presidential nomination. – Andy Borowitz, borowitzreport.com

September, 2011


Steeped Tea partiers wish they’d been there from the start...

then things would be different...

“[These men] combine to bring about as much financial stress as possible, in order to discredit the policy of the government and thereby secure a reversal of that policy, so that they may enjoy unmolested the fruits of their own evil-doing. I regard this contest as one to determine who shall rule this free country – the people through their governmental agents, or a few ruthless and domineering men whose wealth makes them peculiarly formidable because they hide behind the breastworks of corporate organization.” – Republican President Theodore Roosevelt in a speech accusing the “Trusts” of causing the financial “panic” of 1907 So why can't a Democratic President talk about the "Malefactors of Great Wealth" who are responsible for the economic catastrophe we face today? Could it have something to do with the fact that wealthy individuals and corporations fund the expensive electoral campaigns of both political parties, and so ensure that the solutions supported by the majority of people – raising taxes on the wealthy and the corporations, putting people to work, ending the wars, protecting Social Security and Medicare – are simply off the agenda? – Jeff Klein, CounterPunch, August 21, 2011

OMNETWORKS

and freedom would reign.

A Complete Internet Solution WWW • DSL WiFi • T1/T3

Technical Support

WWW.OMSOFT.COM 530-758-0119 September, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

15


The Bottom 95% Things are getting bad all over...

and it seems everyone is searching.

Those with jobs are holding on for dear life... and growth industries are few & far between.

They tell us the recovery is coming... but it feels like we’re all getting left behind. (continued)

16

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2011


The “job creators” seem to all be on permanent vacation... and Washington only knows one tune.

But those who crashed the economy... are not the ones who have to pay...

still, they insist they’ve suffered enough. Meanwhile, anyone who speaks up is ostracized.

September, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

17


It Was News to Him It seemed the whole world was pissed...

but Murdoch had a tried & not-so-true defense.

After all, they learned from the best, he said.

But the end game is not going well...

and as facts come to light, the scandal is getting very messy.

18

HUMOR TIMES

Still, for his media outlets, the show must go on.

September, 2011


Argus Sez Rick Perry got into a war of words with the White House over the tone of his criticism of President Obama’s policies. The governor and the president need to take a deep breath and remember what they have in common. They both used to be Democrats.

condos. Construction problems became apparent when building inspectors found that no one was going to buy one of these condos.

GOP candidate Rick Perry said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is committing treason if he prints more money. Perry warned him that he’ll be treated ugly if he comes to Texas. The next day Laura Bush called and said if he doesn’t tone it down she is going to leave him.

Broadcasters Weekly reported that many Americans have begun getting rid of their cable networks and cable news to cut expenses. That’s an act of self-robbery if you enjoy the best in entertainment. This week’s episode of Bachmann was just hilarious.

Cathay Pacific pilots and flight attendants were shown in online photos having sex in the cockpit, embarrassing China. The photos look a little tricked up. Sully Sullenberger would never even think about making an emergency landing on Connie Chung.

Michelle Bachman paused during her speech in Iowa to inform her audience that it was Elvis Presley’s birthday when it was the anniversary of Elvis’s death. It must be frustrating for the candidate. She can’t keep Elvis’s birthday or the gay community straight.

A Miami Hurricanes booster said he gave college players cash, jewelry, hookers and a yacht with a wet bar. It really works for recruiting. The new NFL contract is so terrible a lot of the NFL players have decided to go back to school so they can maintain their lifestyle.

President Obama toured the midwest in August in the new presidential bus made in Canada but customized by Hemphill Coach of Nashville. They customize buses for country music stars. The president has no use for the wig rack or the pot compartment but they come standard.

Kobe Bryant was accused by a man of assaulting him during church in San Diego. The NBA star thought he saw the man taking cell phone pictures of his wife in the sanctuary. Every time he sees a camera that’s not pointed at him, he is overcome with rage.

President Obama gave a speech in Iowa where he said economic progress is being hampered by partisan warfare in Congress. He blamed the lack of progress on Republican rigidity. It’s lasted more than four hours and it’s time to seek medical attention.

The Minnesota Twins received six hundred condoms from a condom company in honor of Jim Thome hitting his six hundredth home run. That’s just sick. Most teams celebrate by shaking up a bottle of champagne and spraying that all over the locker room.

New Zealand supermodels wore bikinis and rode scooters as they drove sheep herds through Auckland to urge New Zealanders to abstain from sex. They want everyone to save their passion for cheering for the national rugby team this week. Michelle Bachmann’s husband read this and offered New Zealanders counseling on how to pray away the sheep.

MGM Grand asked permission to implode its unfinished high-rise tower in Las Vegas recently. It was going to be full of million-dollar

September, 2011

ARGUS HAMILTON

HUMOR TIMES

19


Miscellaneous Mischief

20

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2011


September, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

21


More Mischief

22

HUMOR TIMES

September, 2011


September, 2011

HUMOR TIMES

23


Don’t Miss Out on All the Fun!

SUBSCRIBE! Hard copy delivered to your mailbox • Online digital version also available

Is Serious Business!

Help Save America’s Soul by Giving Subscriptions to the ®

Face it, there’s a lot to fret about these days. Now that you’ve found some comic relief... do the right thing: turn your friends and relatives on to the Humor Times!

Give the Gift of Laughter Today! Just use the handy coupon on page 3, or write the recipients’ names and addresses clearly on a piece of paper, include a check or money order for $19.95 per subscription* (or just $9.95 for the downloadable PDF edition) payable to the Humor Times and mail to:

Humor Times P. O. Box 162429 Sacramento, Ca 95816 I don’t worry, I’ve always got the Humor Times to help me through!

*$1.00 EXTRA OFF all subscriptions when you order online at www.humortimes.com!

Advertise in the

20% OFF when you mention this ad!

Call 916-455-1217 or email info@humortimes.com for more information.

Humor Times, Sept 2011  

Enjoy this FREE SAMPLE (BACK ISSUE) of the World's Funniest Newspaper, the HUMOR TIMES! - Featuring the finest in editorial cartoons, humor...