“It ain’t easy. No use jokin’ – everything is broken.” – Bob Dylan, from his song Everything is Broken Issue #215
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Editor’s Letter I don’t envy President Obama. While I can take issue with some of his strategies – I believe we should get out of Afghanistan, for example, and he should stop compromising away real health care reform – I can appreciate just how monumental the task of turning this country around is. Reforming health care? It’s only been nearly a century since Theodore Roosevelt first campaigned in 1912 for it. As Obama told Congress on September 9th of this year, “I may not be the first president to tackle health care reform, but I intend to be the last.” A bold statement, to be sure, something Mr. Obama is very good at. But accomplishing that goal, even with majorities in both houses – as we are seeing – is something else altogether. Add to that the job of recovering from the greatest financial meltdown since the Great Depression, and you’ve already got a Herculean task. And we haven’t even mentioned all the other sticky issues, like averting a climate crisis, nuclear proliferation, environmental challenges, etc. One could say that dealing with health care reform just now might have been taking on too much, although it is urgently needed and with Democratic majorities, it seemed like a good time to take it on. But averting financial disaster was not a voluntary task, it was thrust upon the new president. Unfortunately, out of ignorance on the subject, or a blind faith in those in the top echelons of the financial industry, or for whatever reason, Obama chose to trust the wrong team to help him. Now he must recognize his error, and find a new team, and a new strategy. The country’s long term financial health, and even our democracy, depend on it. In a October 9th interview on PBS’s Bill Moyers Journal with Ohio Democratic Rep. Marcy Kaptur, she said, “What they’re doing is they’re taking their mistakes and they’re dumping them on the taxpayer... It’s all at risk because of their behavior. We aren’t reigning them in. The laws of Congress passed last year in terms of housing, were hollow... It’s socialism for the big banks.” Referring to the president, she said, “I think some of the people that he trusted haven’t delivered. I urge him to get new [financial] generals. It’s time.” I have to agree, and I’m very sorry Obama couldn’t see from the start that you can’t fix a broken system by hiring the people who broke it, and who are invested in bailing it out. But now that it’s completely obvious, it is time to get a new team in there. Don’t be afraid to admit your mistakes, Mr. President, otherwise you’ll be just like the failed president before you. Unfortunately, the opportunity inherent in the original crisis may have already slipped away. It may, in fact, be a nearly impossible task, but we’ve got to try. The financial sector needs fundamental reform, and it needs it now. – James Israel, Publisher/editor P.S. It’s that time again! This holiday season, give a unique, thoughtful gift – the Humor Times!
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Califor nia Stage presents CHECK OUT THE HUMOR TIMES BLOG! If you like James Israel’s editor’s letters, please check out his blog at humortimes.com/blog/blog.htm and subscribe to it free online! We also blog our original Humor Times “Faux News” stories at humortimes.com/fauxnews/fauxnews.htm. Humor Times (ISSN 1937-299X), Vol. 18, Issue 215, is published monthly by the Humor Times, 1617 26th St., Sacramento, CA 95816. Application to Mail at Periodicals Postage Pending at Sacramento, CA. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Humor Times, P.O. Box 162429, Sacramento, CA 95816-2429. Phone: 916-455-1217. Printed by: Gold Country Printing, Auburn, CA 95604. Publisher/Editor: James Israel. Email: email@example.com Contributors: Pat Bagley, Mike Baldwin, Nate Beeler, Ruben Bolling, Andy Borowitz, Daryl Cagle, Cam Cardow, Jon Carter, John Cole, Lloyd Dangle, John Darkow, Will Durst, Bob Englehart, David Fitzsimmons, Argus Hamilton, Jim Hightower, Mike Keefe, RJ Matson, Gary McCoy, Mike Lane, Jeff Parker, Dan Piraro, Rob Rogers, Steve Sack, Jay Schiller & Greg Cravens, Harley Schwadron, Jim Siergey, Tab, Monte Wolverton, Larry Wright, Adam Zyglis and others. Contributions: Send artwork/submissions to address above or by email. The Humor Times is available by subscription. It is printed on recycled paper, using 60% post-consumer fiber. All contents ©2009. No part may be reproduced without permission.
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All Obama, All The Time Some say presidents should work behind the scenes... but that’s just not Obama’s style.
Those who used to say ‘we must support the president’... now are singing a different tune.
The prez, hard at work, was surprised... and so was the party of ‘no.’ (continued)
It seems the Nobel committee was quite enamored...
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Top Ten Tips on How Not to Get the Swine Flu How Not to Get the Swine Flu Well, look at the time. Aren’t we expecting the Return of the Bride of the Son of the Swine Flu pretty soon? That’s right. It’s Baaaaack and this time, its personal. Scientists predict the virus will be worse this swing through Northern Hemisphere, but come on, no matter how bad it gets, it’s still not going to be 1919. After all, our public water supply systems have undergone a bit of an upgrade over the last 90 years. “Now, With Less Dysentery!” Of course, with the return of the H1N1 virus, (don’t want to disparage our proud American pork producers) we are mere nanoseconds away from being inundated with literally three tons of articles on how not to contract it. So, let me assist by being the first to throw out a quick purview. Top Ten Tips on How Not to Get the Swine Flu: A Public Service from DurstCo. #1. Wash your hands. If soap and water aren’t available, use an alcohol-based rub. Single Malt Scotch should do the trick. Keep that larynx clean as well. #2. Wear a mask. If you can’t find one of those scrub masks, use a Halloween mask. What’s a pandemic without a little fun? A Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner mask might prove effective enough to frighten the swine flu away. #3. Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it, or collect them and construct a sort of swine shrine. Or wipe the doorknob
and garage door handle of that annoying radical neighbor of yours. #4. Drink plenty of fluids. Preferably domestic beer. Or Single Malt Scotch. Didn’t we just talk about how alcohol inhibits bacteria growth? #5. Throw everything out. No, everything. Clutter causes confusion. And as any medical expert will tell you, confusion leads to the flu. #6. Sleep is good. Try to find a way to sleep at work. A rested employee is not a communicable employee. #7. The CDC recommends a seasonal flu vaccine. As a matter of fact, try to stockpile as many drugs as you can. Flush your body with drugs and environmentally friendly antimicrobials. And Single Malt Scotch. Safe and easy and practical to use. #8. Wear light colors. No, wait, that’s for heat advisories. But still applies to the flu, because that way we can see all the various effluviums accumulating on peoples’ clothing and know whom to avoid. #9. Stay away from sick people. In other words, don’t watch Glen Beck. #10. Avoid touching your eyes, nose and mouth. And arms and feet and hair. And shoes and surfaces and fabrics. Get nude. Repeat after me, “Naked is safe. Naked in the bathroom is safer. Naked in the tub curled into a fetal position covered with a hypoallergenic salve is safest.”
WILL DURST Oslo’s Calling Barack Obama was President a mere 12 days before the Nobel Peace Prize nominations closed and he still won. I know, I know. “He showed early promise.” Talk about handing in an A paper at the beginning of the semester. Less than two weeks in office and he earns himself a Peace Prize. This guy is good. Of course, you got to remember, the potential recipient list for a Peace Prize is not what you call your deep field. Never has been. Hence: Kissinger, de Klerk and Arafat. What worries me is, what kind of message are we sending kids? Bomb the Moon. Win a Peace Prize. You know what’s next. People are going to want to bomb Mars. Just to see what happens. Trigger an announcement from the Vatican? Causing a nuke to be tossed at Uranus. Detonative planetary creep. You could say, this is a “most likely to succeed” sort of deal. Not so much a pro-Obama message as much as it is “thanks for rescuing the planet by changing administrations” message. An award that could have pretty much gone to any American not named George W. Bush. Then again, the tactical use of beer to arrange a diplomatic summit may have been a crowning achievement in the minds of the five Norwegians. Or perhaps the intellectual community is so excited to be out of the doghouse and rejoining the conversation that they are banding together to encourage Obama. Expect the MacArthur Ge nius Grant peo ple to come call ing. Then he’ll win a Lefoulon-Delalande Foundation Grand Prize from France for reducing global stress and increasing cardiovascular efficacy. And finally, next spring, Neil Patrick Harris presents him with a Special Tony Award for the sen sational fashion in which he tap-danced his way into our hearts. As expected, the lunatic fringe finds all this further fodder to continue its harangue. Which I don’t understand. How can you criticize a Peace Prize? I don’t care if the Keebler Elves are excreting them like tear shaped lemon bars from a hollowed out tree stump. It’s a Peace Prize. Its not like he’s getting a bronzed bazooka from Warmongers Weekly. “You know Hitler was nominated.” Yeah, once. By one guy. And Pat Paulsen was almost President. The same crowd who cheered losing in Copenhagen is now grumbling about winning in Oslo. Totally unfamiliar with the grand Scandinavian tradition of make-up calls. The toughest part has to be keeping a straight face when expressing concern over the Nobel Committee’s credibility. Certain talk show hosts have worked themselves into such a tizzy I wouldn’t be surprised to see one of them pull a Kanye West, and crash the stage during the award presentation, yelling Dick Cheney was more deserving. Should the Prez actually attend the ceremonies, that is. On the off chance he doesn’t find himself too busy to personally accept the Peace Prize due to the time consuming nature of commandeering two wars. Now might be a good time to abandon the high road and shove it in people’s faces by wearing the medal around his neck everywhere he goes. Like Flavor Flav. “What? This old thing?” And when he does donate to charity the 1.4 million dollars that accompanies the prize, I’m thinking ACORN. Stop your belly-aching. So Obama got an award. Bush got a shoe. Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comic who writes sometimes. This is one of them. Catch Durst’s new one man show “The Lieutenant Governor from the State of Confusion,” appearing at a performing arts center near you.
“What is government itself, but the greatest of all reflections on human nature? If men were angels, no government would be necessary. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary.” – James Madison (from Federalist No. 51) “As long as our government is administered for the good of the people, and is regulated by their will; as long as it secures to us the rights of persons and of property, liberty of conscience and of the press, it will be worth defending.” – Andrew Jackson
Environment Global warming is being felt by ordinary folks...
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Unhealthy Situation Millions of Americans have been shut out... but many are afraid of reform.
They’ve heard some scary stuff... and don’t want to lose out.
Congressional Republicans have their own plan... and say we need to have faith. (continued)
Some folks are quite riled up...
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claiming their motives are pure.
Meanwhile, Dems had hoped this would be their time.
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Very Gross Profit What’s killing you, Barack, is what’s killing us all: an evil germ called “Medical Loss Ratio.” “Medical Loss Ratio” [MLR] is the fancy term used by health insurance companies for their slice, their take-out, their pound of flesh, their gross – very gross – profit. The “MLR” is the difference between what you pay an insurance company and what that insurer pays out to doctors, hospitals and pharmacists for your medical care. I’ve totaled it up from the raw stats: The “MLR,” insurance companies’ margins, is about to top – holy mama! – a quarter trillion dollars a year. That’s $2.7 trillion over the next decade. Until the 1990’s, insurers skimmed only about a nickel on the dollar for their “service,” Wendell Potter told me. Potter is the CIGNA insurance company PR man who came in from the cold to tell us about what goes down inside the health insurance gold mine. Today, Potter notes, porky operators like AIG have kicked up their Loss Ratio by nearly 500 percent. The industry’s slice is growing to nearly a quarter of your insurance bill. All of it just paperwork and profiteering. President Obama is never going to pull the insurance company piggies from a trough this big, especially when the industry has made room for Congressional snouts... The only solution to Loss Ratio piggery is to kill the pigs: eliminate health insurers from the health industry entirely. We can’t cure our ills, as our president has attempted, by attacking the problem ass-backwards. No, Mr. Obama, we don’t need HEALTH INSURANCE for everyone, we need HEALTH CARE for everyone... But, you might say, that’s, that’s SOCIALISM! Well, yes, it is. And I’m not afraid to use the S-word: Socialized Medicine. Just like America’s Socialized Fire Departments. (Fun fact: socialized, i.e. publicly funded, fire departments were ‘invented’ by the revolutionary Ben Franklin.) – G r e g P a l a s t , E x c e r p t e d f ro m truthout.org, Thursday 15 October 2009.
The Hightower Lowdown Obama Must Get Going on Jobs Five days before taking the oath of office, Barack Obama called on the millions of people who had actively campaigned for him to be the engine for real change in America: “I don’t want them to just sit around and wait for me to do something. I want them to be pushing their agendas.” He asked for it, so let’s shove this agenda into his line of vision: jobs. Middle-class jobs. Jobs with a future. Jobs doing useful work that contributes to American progress and the common good. Lots and lots of those jobs. Obama has talked often about the need for more jobs. But he’s put little presidential heft into creating them, instead focusing most on extending unemploy ment benefits to assuage some of the pain of being jobless. Incredibly, he tried for a while to rationalize his “banker-first” Wall Street bailout as a jobs stimulus! The argument went like this: rescuing failed bankers might induce them to make loans to corporations, which then might increase corporate production, which then might cause corpo rate ex ec u tives to hire some Amer i cans (unless, of course, they used the capital to expand operations in China). That’s a lot of “mights,” and, as we’ve seen, the money mostly remains in the tight clutches of the bailed-out bankers, producing little “trickle-down” benefit. Meanwhile, the nation’s official unemployment rate is soaring to 10 percent and beyond. That’s not a statistic – it’s 15 million struggling people. Plus their families. Their numbers nearly double when we add in part-time workers who need and want full-time jobs, as well as
other underemployed and discouraged workers. Meet Debbie Kransky, a striver from America’s great middle class who’s now struggling. Liv ing in Mil wau kee, this in tel li gent and hard-working 51-year-old was offed by a medical firm in February and has been jobless ever since, despite being constantly on the hunt. Her unemployment benefits have run out, and her small life savings have been depleted. “I’ve got October rent,” she told a New York Times reporter. “After that, I don’t know. I’ve never lived month to month my entire life. I’m just so scared, I can’t even put it in words.” Not only are there millions of Debbies out here, but there are also many more millions who feel they’re next. They know that there are already six “officially unemployed” people (not counting those part-timers) for every job opening that becomes available in our country today. Yet, they now hear economists, pundits and politicians from both parties cheerfully chirping that the recession is “over.” Obama himself, when asked about the oxymoron of a “jobless recovery,” responded with this breezy insight: “As you know, jobs tend to be a lagging indicator; they come last.” Excuse me? Jobs are not an “indicator.” They are the substance of a healthy economy, the sustainer of families, the lifeblood of our middle-class society. FDR, when he faced deep and spreading national insecurity, made jobs first – not last. And so should Obama. America has plenty of work that needs doing, work that would strengthen our country for the long haul. It’s time for him to launch a long-term, nationwide revitalization
JIM HIGHTOWER effort to rebuild and expand our essential infrastructure (from bridges to water systems) and also to create the framework for a green economy – everything from rapid expansion of renewable energy systems to building high-speed networks that link our population corridors. As he began his campaign, Obama declared: “I am running because of what Dr. King called ‘the fierce urgency of now.’ I am running because I believe there’s such a thing as being too late.” Yes, there is. So get moving! Grab the urgency of this moment, and turn people’s rising anxiety into a new can-do sense of confidence by putting Americans to work. Instead of investing in Wall Street elites, invest in “percolate-up” economics based on ordinary people working to renew and reinvigorate our country at the grassroots level. Now would not be too soon to start. [Max Baucus is] the lightweight Montana Democrat to whom President Obama entrusted the heavy job of shepherding health care reform through the upper chamber. It was like asking Tweety Bird to lift a bowling ball. Baucus is chairman of the finance committee. The what? Excuse me, but why wouldn’t the health committee be the appropriate venue for taking the lead on, you know, health reform? I mean, we don’t submit banking legislation to the health panel, so… – Jim Hightower
Socialism for the Banks When bad things happen, they shove all the downside onto the taxpayer… It’s socialism for the big banks. Because they’ve basically taken their mistakes and they’ve put it on the taxpayer. That’s the government. That’s socialism. That isn’t capitalism... That’s been their history. Their bed is feathered. When they messed up during the 1980s, they put their bill through the savings-and-loans crisis on the American people. $140 billion... That, you know, it opened the flood gates. They go, “Oh, we can get away with $140 billion?” This time how many trillions have they gotten away with? Plus, all the de-regulatory actions that were taken during the 1990s... We have to take the money out. We have to get rid of the constant fundraising that happens inside the Congress. Before, political parties used to raise money; now, individual members are raising money through the DCCC and the RCCC. It is absolutely corrupt... But meanwhile, we need to get hired over at the justice department 1,000 agents in mortgage fraud and in securities fraud... I don’t think President Obama has the right people around him. The poor man inherited a total mess, globally and domestically. I think some of the people that he trusted haven’t delivered. I urge him to get new [financial] generals. It’s time. – Excerpts from an interview with Ohio Democratic Rep. Marcy Kaptur on PBS’s Bill Moyers Journal, October 12, 2009.
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Recovering from the Recovery Everything is all better now...
say the financial wizards on Wall Street.
And as they revive the economy...
the love will follow, they assure us.
The watchdogs in Congress are doing their part...
and Dems are just hoping to keep their jobs.
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter
Cartertoons • www.cartertoons.com • by Jon Carter
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Statue of David to Be Returned to Italy
Obama Signs Bipartisan Health & Economy Omnibus Bill
After a two year loan to the United States, Michelangelo’s David is being returned to Italy. The proud sponsors of his stay in the U.S. were: McDonald’s, KFC and Dunkin’ Donuts.
A Humor Times exclusive WASHINGTON DC – Pres ident Obama signed historic legislation today that he said will “help us pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.” This was one big spending bill that even Republicans could get behind, because the spending will not be done by the government. “Once we had decided to force Americans to pay for bloated health insurance premiums, we said, why stop there?” explained Senate Republican Mitch McConnell. “So we’re stimulating the economy without hurting the vulnerable among us, including bankers. It’s a win-win.” Indeed, the bill forces all Americans to buy not only health insurance, but one each of the following American-built items, whether or not they already own them: a new car, a hi-definition TV, 42" or larger, and a HD package to go with it, a new cell phone and wireless plan, a home (condominiums ok), a major appliance (stove, refrigerator, etc), at least one piece of
Before: The statue when it arrived in the U.S.
After: The statue today.
National Association of Undertakers Backs GOP Health Plan
Huge bill aims to solve problems by requiring Americans to spend like never before
Obama: Proud of bipartisan effort.
furniture and a plane flight or flights adding up to a minimum of 1,000 miles – all within two years. All citizens will also be required to spend at least $1,000 on holiday gifts this season, whether or not they celebrate Christmas. “We will also encourage folks to open new credit card accounts, to help pay for it all,” said Senator Max Baucus (D-MT), “and the bill
mandates that credit card companies allow anyone to open one. We realized, of course, that we couldn’t rightfully set any limit on interest rates them – after all, banks have already been through so much trauma, what with the credit crash and the stress of waiting to see whether we’d bail them out or not.” While consumer groups have cried foul, saying it’s not fair to force people to buy poorly made American goods and go into deeper debt, Baucus says it’s all been dealt with in the bill. “As the great President John F. Kennedy once said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,’” he explained, “so these folks need to stop whining and step up to the plate. Besides, we’ve thought of the problem of some lazy unemployeds not paying their bills – we’ll be building debtor’s prisons, which will also stimulate our prison industrial complex, one of America’s greatest assets!”
God Sues Researchers for DNA Piracy Patent Office discovers 17-billion-year-old filing in archives WASHINGTON – God filed suit in federal court today against several dozen scientists engaged in what the He named “piracy of legally protected DNA life ware.” At issue are the cloning efforts of sevProtected by divine patent. eral re search laboratories around the country who are alleged to have engaged in the illegal copying and distribution of previously licensed DNA. “We don’t sell DNA; we license it,” declared the Holy Spirit, God’s official spokespirit. “Every life form has a non-exclusive, non-transferable right to his, her, or its own DNA product. The license agreement issued and signed at germination or fertilization is very clear in this matter.” Today’s filing represents the first time that an omnipotent deity has sought legal enforcement of patent rights. “But it won’t be the last time,” declared Mr. Spirit. “My client will aggressively
pursue anyone who clones heavenly materials without a proper licensing agreement.” Most pundits were not surprised at the legal action, since it was only a week ago that a lawyer for Dr. Hyung Wojihowski, one of the defendants, raised doubts about the Lord’s patent claims. “We categorically reject God’s claims of DNA ownership, and ask him to provide evidence that he developed the technology first,” said attorney James Hartgrove. In a related story, Mr. Hartgrove was found dead in his home several days later, the result of widespread mutations throughout all his body’s cells. Police say no leads have been found in the mysterious case. It could be years before the results of the suit are fully adjudicated. Until then, the Creator of All Things is leaving the door open for negotiation. In a released statement, the I AM said, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock, with a contract in hand. I was willing to give my son so that people, including these scientists, might gain eternal life. Is it asking too much of them to offer me ten percent of their royalties in return?” Reported by Tim Patrick, Humorality.com
Funeral directors: ‘Works for us’
Conan, Jay, Oprah Seek Sex Scandals to Boost Ratings
WASHINGTON – Congressional Republicans received key backing today for their health care plan, pic k ing up sup port from the Na tional As so ci ation of Undertakers. The fu neral dir ec to r s’ g ro u p , which represents undertakers, embalmers and hearse drivers across the country, gave the GOP plan a big thumbs up, saying in a press release, “Finally, a health care plan that works for us.” The endorsement from the undertakers’ association was the second major endorsement in two days for the GOP plan, which yesterday picked up support from the National Association of Viruses and Bacteria. Elsewhere, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin’s memoir will be published Nov. 17, with an English version to follow. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
NEW YORK – After seeing the ratings in- of retired ministers in their late 70’s. Leno plans crease that occurred after David Letterman admit- to continue his search by placing a Craigslist ad ted to having an affair with a staff under the category of ‘Chin Femember, several national talk tishists’. show hosts have sought out sex Late night hosts Craig Ferguscandals of their own. son and Conan O’Brien have had Staff mem bers for Oprah the most success emulating DaWinfrey confirm that she has apvid Letterman’s scandal so far, as proached longtime companion they made the news in Los AnSteadman Graham about the posgeles after getting into a fight sibility of consummating their reover the last anatomically correct lationship, preferably in a public sex doll in a local Hustler store. park while being watched by tabCarson Daly took out an ad in loid photographers. Oprah’s staff Daily Variety seeking someone to also claims that Ellen DeGeneres engage in a sex scandal. The ad contacted the Oprah show in an received only one response, from effort to enlist Oprah, along with A me r i c a n Id ol host Ry an her friend Gayle King into a Seacrest. Although the pair rethreesome. peatedly engaged in various sex Leno seeks to boost ratings. Jay Leno attempted to find a acts, the publicity value was minpartner to participate in a sex scandal as well, but imal, as most people already assumed they were a has not had success. His initial plea for a partner couple. happened on his nightly NBC show, and did not Reported by DerfMagazine.com result in any takers as his target audience consists
Nobel Insiders: Beer Summit Sealed it for Obama Rose Garden bash gets high marks in Oslo OSLO, NORWAY – As the world responded with a mixture of surprise and amazement to the announcement of President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize, Nobel insiders revealed that the President’s “beer summit” at the White House put him over the top. “The committee was definitely split down the middle right up until the end,” said Agot Valle, a Norwegian politician and member of the five-person Nobel committee. “Some of them were still quite upset about that nasty business with the Somali pirates.” But, according to Ms. Valle, “someone brought up the beer summit, and we all agreed that that was awesome.” Ms. Valle said she hoped that Mr. Obama’s victory would be seen not only as a victory for him, but “as a tribute to the healing power of beer.” Ms. Valle acknowledged that the President’s win was widely considered an upset, with pundits having expected the prize to go to Mad Men or 30 Rock. Elsewhere, NASA bombed the moon, saying it was the one spot President Bush missed. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
Obama Named Country Music Entertainer of the Year Surprise Selection Shocks Nashville NASHVILLE – Pres i dent Barack Obama stunned the country music world today by picking up its highest honor, Country Music Entertainer of the Year. Mr. Obama was chosen unanimously, according to the Country Music Association, beating out such favorite as Carrie Underwood and Toby Keith. In Nashville, country music insiders were shocked by Mr. Obama’s selection, given that he has only been in office for eight months and during that time has yet to record a single country song. But Mr. Obama was gracious in receiving the honor, saying that he was “honored and humbled” by the award before excusing himself to accept this year’s Heisman Trophy. Andy Borowitz, Creators Syndicate
GNDU# ~ Sports Desk ~ Z!O)" Tony Romo Trades Self for Carson Palmer in Fantasy Football
Wisconsin Boy Mugged While Trick or Treating as Viking Brett Favre
DALLAS – After escaping with an overtime win over the Kansas City Chiefs, Dallas quarterback Tony Romo was so disappointed in his performance that he im me di ately sought out to trade himself from his fan tasy foot ball team. After brief ne go ti a tions, he struck a deal to trade himself heads up for Carson Palmer. Romo has been upset with his perTony Romo. for mance on his fantasy team all season. He briefly considered putting himself on waivers after picking up Michael Vick in a supplemental draft. He’s also had some heated fantasy confrontations, grabbing himself by his fantasy face mask and giving himself a good fantasy shaking. “I just feel like my fantasy self has been struggling,” explained Romo. “I also feel that fantasy Carson would be a better leader in the huddle than fantasy me. There are some problems in the chemistry on my fantasy team, and I I may be the problem. So good riddance to me.” Carson Palmer was excited to hear news of the trade saying, “I’m excited to be part of Tony Romo’s fantasy organization. This will sure be better than playing for Pacman Jones’ fantasy team last year. He might be an even worse owner than Mike Brown.” Reported by DerfMagazine.com
Gregory Tearny of Oconomowoc, Wisconsin encountered towering difficulties going trick or treating Halloween night when his mother made the lame-brained decision of buying him a Brett Favre Viking costume. Unfortunately, the proud, Packer backing neighbors he visited did not find it to be cute or funny that he dressed as the traitorous former Packer quarterback. He often got pummeled with t h e goodies he w a s meant to receive. Some slam med Gregory says he’ll go with some other doors costume next year. in his face. One angry house owner kicked him over the neighbors fence for a field goal. Other costumed kids pushed him down. One irate, loyal house wife toilet papered him. The next few houses then gave him candy when they thought he was dressed as a mummy. When the toilet paper fell off people returned to being nasty. Greg finally gave up and returned home where his own dog bit him. His father was furious when he learned of the costume, stripping it off his son and burning it in the backyard. Next year Gregory intends to dress as a bunny rabbit. Reported by Roger Freed
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Quicksand The Generals have spoken...
but itâ€™s the same old story...
with likely the same results.
They say history repeats itself...
yet we continue to roll the dice...
and it always turns up snake eyes.
Nuclear Ambitions Ahmadinejad, back in the saddle...
This Year, Spread Joy & Holiday Cheer
(not to mention political humor and awareness!)
has a flair for the dramatic...
but the U.S. says it wants a nuclear-free middle east.
With Gift Subscriptions to the Humor Times! $2 off any Gift Sub thru Dec. 31, 2009! (Discount good on regular U.S. subscription prices shown on page 3.) Fill out the form on page 3, note “Holidays,” and whether you would like the subscription to start with the December or January issue. A Gift Certificate will be sent to the recipient in your name. Or, you may order online at humortimes.com – use “GiftHT” in the discount code box.
Sacked Rushâ€™s NFL fantasy team was not to be...
Cable TV news these days is full of hot air...
and each channel seems like an echo chamber for their fans... and he just couldnâ€™t understand why...
but newspapers are sailing off the deep end.
but it probably would have been frustrating for him anyway.
Argus Sez Rush Limbaugh’s bid to buy the St. Louis Rams quickly ran into opposition. It’s a prized team. The Rams have lost fifteen straight games but because expectations are so high for them this year they’ve just been awarded the Nobel Prize for Football. Wall Street partied when the Dow Jones average made it back up through the ten thousand mark. History repeats itself. It’s the second time in ten years that an intern scandal involving a comedian has sent the Dow up to ten thousand. Brett Favre’s TV ratings prompted the NFL to switch a New York Giants game next weekend so a Vikings game can air on NBC in prime time. He’s a ratings sensation. CBS just offered the Minnesota Vikings their ten o’clock time slot five nights a week. Southern California faced the threat of massive mudslides recently when heavy rains followed the brushfires by two weeks. Luckily nothing happened. If it hadn’t been for the Mexican marijuana farmers re-planting so quickly the hills might never have held. The Senate took the health care reform bill behind closed doors where Democrats are trying to merge the two bills into one. One bill says there must be a public option and the other says there can’t be a public option. The plan is to strip out everything except the congressional pay raise and pass it at midnight. President Obama was introduced by the Transportation Secretary to a crowd of cheering road workers in October. Presidents love to be introduced by people they appointed to high office. You just don’t find that kind of objectivity anywhere else.
The White House hinted that immigration reform for guest workers and political refugees is next on its legislative list. Asylum seekers say they are determined to remain in America and live free. Now all they have to do is qualify for disability. Arizona GOP Congressman Jeff Flake came back from a week-long vacation totally alone on a tiny Pacific desert island. He was really roughing it. He slept for seven nights with nothing between him and the hard ground but a thin native girl. Al-Qae da mas ter mind Khalid Shei k Muhammed faced transfer to New York for trial and likely life in prison. How perfect. If he wants to spend eternity with seventy-two virgins he can start in the place where he is considered one of them. George W. Bush gave a speech in South Korea recently where he warned that North Korea is going to remain a problem for a long time. The former president raises the tension level wherever he gives a speech. His agent bills him as Johnny Applewar. The White House agreed to a weapons inspection program which would let Russia inspect nuclear sites in America and count our warheads. This can’t be good. Many of our missile silos are located near Colorado Springs, and when the Russians get to stay in the Broadmoor Hotel, they will realize they’ll never catch up with us.
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Late Night Shenanigans
When someone tried to blackmail him...
Drivers are easily distracted...
which can be a big problem... Letterman decided to let it all hang out...
but some fear the show has since lost its edge.
for the unfortunate.
Car thief turns out to be a bear TELLER COUNTY, Co. – The car alarm was blaring, and there was a light moving around inside. A couple in the Colorado Mountain Estates subdivision near Florissant thought someone was trying to steal their car. When deputies from the Teller County Sheriff’s Office responded at about 2:30 a.m., they discovered a young bear in the car. The bear was as surprised to see the deputies as the deputies were to see the bear, said Mikel Baker, spokesperson for the Sheriff’s Office. One of the two deputies took some pictures of the bear, opened the car door, and the bear was gone in a flash, said Baker. According to Baker and Teller County Sheriff Kevin Dougherty, this bear — like so many others — was very smart and had learned how to open car doors. But as the bear rummaged around the car causing extensive damage, the door closed and it couldn’t figure how to get out. The light the couple saw moving in the car was the dome light of the vehicle, which momentarily wrapped around the bear’s head, said Dougherty.
Man busted with weed stuck to forehead LEBANON, Pa. – Police in central Pennsylvania say they’ve nabbed a real pothead. They said an officer spotted 29-year-old Cesar Lopez inside a convenience store with a bag of marijuana stuck to his forehead. Investigators said Lopez was seen peering inside his baseball cap early Saturday morning in Lebanon, about 75 miles northwest of Philadelphia. When Lopez looked up, the officer noticed a small plastic bag appearing to contain marijuana stuck to his forehead. Police said the officer peeled the bag off Lopez’s forehead and placed him under arrest. He has been charged with drug possession. Police do not know whether Lopez has an attorney. Authorities say the sweatband of a baseball cap is a frequent hiding place for drugs.
GPS Causing Truckers to Crash Into Bridges NEW YORK – Gov. David Paterson on Wednesday proposed penalties including jail time and confiscation of trucks to come down on drivers who use GPS — global positioning systems — to take more hazardous routes and end up striking bridges. “Gerald Donaldson, senior research director of Advocates for Highway and Auto Safety, said GPS adds to the list of electronics that also distract truckers, including radios, cell phones and a computer keyboard to communicate with companies and other drivers. GPS can direct truckers, many of them carrying hazardous material, to restricted roads with overpass clearances too low for the rigs. Hauling on restricted or residential routes also pounds the life out of roads because the trucks are over weight limits and clog traffic. New York state alone has seen more than 1,400 bridge strikes in the past 15 years, including 46 so far this year in suburban Westchester County, testing many old bridges already in need of repair, said County Executive Andrew J. Spano. One bridge in his county was hit nine times this year. “This sort of culture of just following the GPS and almost ignoring the road signs has created this public hazard,” Paterson told reporters. “Every week we hear of another truck striking a bridge on our parkways,” said Spano, standing with Paterson at the bill’s announcement.
Lottery hoax causes riot at coat store COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) – A woman being driven around in a rented limousine pulled up at a coat store and announced she’d won the lottery and would pay for everyone’s purchases, police said, but she ended up causing a riot when customers realized it was a hoax. Angry customers threw merchandise around and looted, leaving the store looking as though a hurricane had passed through it, police said. Linda Brown was arrested Tuesday after an hours-long shopping spree that began when she hired a stretch Hummer limousine to drop her off at a Burlington Coat Factory store, police Sgt. Lt. Michael Deakins said. Brown walked to a cash register and loudly announced she had won the lottery and would pay for each person’s merchandise up to $500, he said. “Well, of course, people like to hear that,” Deakins said. “Apparently they were in line calling relatives who were not at the store and told them to come.” People flooded the registers as cashiers began ringing up purchase after purchase, but Brown had not yet paid the bill, Deakins said. At least 500 people filled the aisles and another 1,000 were outside trying to get in, he said. By the time employees realized Brown didn’t have any cash to pay, police said, she already had taken off in the limo. That’s when angry customers, realizing they weren’t getting free coats, began throwing merchandise on the floor and grabbing clothes without paying for them, Nace said. “Everybody was like, ‘I still want my free stuff,’ and that started the riot,” he said. “It looks like (Hurricane) Katrina went through the store.” Police said they have no way of tracking down the customers who stole items and fled, but they’re reviewing surveillance video.
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