Self Analysis Harry Burner
Self Analysis I started this project with a view to trying to better understand my own behaviour, why I do the things I do. For a few years now I have struggled with depression, insecurity, low self esteem and alcohol and substance abuse. I thought I could handle the issues alone, and for a while I self medicated. I fought depression by working every hour I could and to physically keep my self going I used cocaine on a daily basis. I spent hardly any time at home. I couldnâ€™t stand being alone, the idea of my own company disgusted me, and the time I did spend at home, my family began to notice. Mood swings and poor appetite led to constant questioning from my parents. I insisted that everything was fine. My problem has always been a massive guilt complex, a sense of shame surrounding my life in general which was largely unfounded however it created this cyclical self fulfilling prophecy. Feel shit, take drugs, hate everything about myself, process repeat. All the while surrounding myself with people who could tell me I am not what I think I am. More recently I have taken control of my life. I am still prone to the odd relapse but to nowhere near the same level. The following collection of images I hope goes some way to explaining what goes on in my own head.
I started smoking the first time I tried to give up cocaine. I saw it as the lesser of two evils. Now it is essential, you canâ€™t have one without the other.
When it all comes down to it I shouldnâ€™t be allowed to drink. Not that the drinking is the problem it just means I can ignore the part of my personality that says no, I can discount the advice from my friends in the blink of an eye.
It’s pretty twisted the way things look when I’m drunk, people seem different. A lot of the time I feel like I’m not paying attention to anything going on around me, like a state of flux, this is me pretty much on my knees. It’s a shame it has to go that far before I feel like I can really relax, but then we all have our hang ups.
As the nights all run together it all gets worse, I wake later and later and the stress Iâ€™m putting my own body under becomes apparent.
After around eighteen months of constantly using cocaine I found that my tolerance had pretty much doubled. I was spending more and more every time I picked up, and even when I finished a gram I would root through the bin to check I hadnâ€™t left any in the wrap.
Time goes on and I look worse and worse, I never noticed until one of my friends said to me “whats wrong with your face” This got to me. I used to think no one could tell what I was doing. Apparently it’s pretty obvious.
The way home is long and I am exhausted yet sleep is a long way off, a valium would be great right now but I used the last one yesterday. Needs must.
The day after...a hang over and a vicious come down all rolled into one, blurry eyes and nausea maybe this will be the last time.
At the end of a bad binge I would usually say something like “enough is enough now” but it’s been three years. While I am learning, I still feel like im never going to be in complete control, and my friends have heard every single excuse.