For all who are healing, this is for you.
Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life.
-
Shahrukh Khan
TRIGGER WARNING
Author Note: Reading trigger warnings can contain spoilers. This book includes reference to sexual assault and may be upsetting to some readers.
Chapter One
“Thank you for coming over.” After closing my front door, I lead the way into the living room, motioning my friend to the couch. Fortunately, my brother Travis is out for the night, so it’s just me and Sean. Our youngest brother Trey moved out a few months ago to live with his fiancé David. It’s weird sometimes, not having him in the same house, but I’m happy he found love with David. I’m not sure where Travis is tonight, but when I asked if I could have the place for an hour, he said he’d keep himself busy until eight. I turn and watch the man who’s been my boyfriend—and
submissive—for
the
past
six
months. Oddly enough, I didn’t meet him at the BDSM club I frequent. We met at The Court, a gay-
friendly club in town my brothers and I love. Brushing his fringe off his face, Sean’s eyes hold wariness as he looks up at me. “Of course, Sir. Especially after receiving your text. ‘We need to talk’ always sounds ominous.” Nodding slowly, I slip my hands inside my pockets before plunging ahead. “Sean, as you know, our second contract as Dominant and submissive ends today. The last six months have been great. But… I won’t be renewing it after tonight.” He physically flinches, and it’s hard to watch. “Sir?” His hurt is plain as day, and I feel horrible. But the fact is, we both owe it to ourselves to seek, to desire, more than this. Sean’s been a great submissive, very obedient and respectful. Only calling me by my name, Henry, when we’re in
public. He’s cute and wants to please me, and, up until now, these aspects were all enough. But the thing is, after years of being a Dom, I not only want to find a sub, I want to find love. With my eyes, I beseech him. “I…. What we’ve had has been great. But we both deserve more than this. You’re a great friend and submissive, but I don’t think I’m alone when I say I want more.” I wait, patient and quiet, for him to digest everything. After being together for around six months, I know this is coming out of the blue. Until now, I haven’t acknowledged or expressed to him something was missing. At least, so I thought. His brows scrunch up. “I… sort of had a feeling this would happen. I mean, aside from the text, you’ve been… different. It wasn’t something I did?”
Surprised at his words, I shake my head seriously. “No. You haven’t done anything.” Sean fidgets on the couch, tucking his hands under his knees. “Is it because I haven’t done anything? Is there something else you want, Henry? From me? From this?” Since I’ve been standing up until now, I move forward and sit on the chair next to him. “No. I just…. Isn’t there something missing for you too? You don’t love me.” It isn’t a question; it’s a fact. And, another fact is, I want someone who loves me. Doesn’t everyone? Sean might want to renew our contract for another three months, but neither of us are in love. I don’t want to waste either of our time when I know we both want more. He frowns. “I… I care for you, Henry. Deeply.”
I’m glad he’s already comfortable with using my name instead of the honorific. It proves to me I’m doing the right thing. “And I care for you. But we don’t love each other, Sean. And I’m finally acknowledging that I want and deserve more. And so do you.” “There isn’t someone else?” he asks. “No. I swear to you there isn’t. I haven’t met anyone else. But because of our arrangement, we’re hindering ourselves from finding love. We won’t meet anyone else if we continue our D/s relationship.” “So… you want to cut ties now?” His eyes well up. I take his hands in mine. “Sean, you’re an amazing person, sub, and friend. I think the only reason this has gone on as long as it has is because
we’re such good friends, and neither of us wants to lose that. I’d like us to remain close, and I promise to pass on a great reference for you to future Dominants. Who knows? Maybe we’ll each go out and meet our special someone.” He scoffs, and I don’t blame him. I can hardly believe what I just said. Warmth enters my cheeks. “You actually believe in that crap all of a sudden?” he asks. “When we first got together, we laughed at the idea of finding the one. Our soulmate. You’re telling me you actually believe there’s only one person for us out there now?” His tone makes me cock my eyebrow. He wouldn’t be talking like this if we were renewing our contract. I actually like this side of him. He wasn’t the type to speak freely as my submissive, but maybe
now as my friend he will. Still, at my expression, he has the decency to smile sheepishly. I scratch my beard. “Maybe it’s because of Trey and David and their commitment ceremony coming up, but yes. I want to meet someone I feel 100 percent myself around. And even though you come pretty fucking close, there’s something missing between us. Each and every scene we did was amazing, but I want someone to live with, build a family with, and grow old with. Someone who hungers to be with me twenty-four-seven and vice versa.” Watching my younger brother find his soulmate has clearly brought me hope. I’m ecstatic for him and David, and it makes me yearn for a similar thing. I’d do anything for the chance of finding that one person who feels for me exactly what I feel for them. Fortunate enough to have a
loving family and friends, I know what unconditional love is; but to have that from someone I’m sexually intimate and comfortable with would be amazing. I never knew finding love was something I’d crave until I saw it with my own eyes with my brother. He bites his lip and sighs. “I freaked out at first when I got your text, but I can understand where you’re coming from now. I think it feels so natural and comfortable that I was scared to lose the connection. Our friendship. And I see what you mean. We don’t love each other. But, we can still be friends, right? Hang out and go clubbing together?” I nod with a wide grin. “Of course. And I’m sure we’ll see each other at Lost and Bound.” As I mention the BDSM club I’ve been a member of for a couple of years, I realise I haven’t been for a while. I make note to give the owner, and my friend, Kyle
Simmons a call. I add, “And if neither of us have a partner and Kyle wants us to do a public demo, we can still do that.” Sean smiles and blushes. It’d turned out he’d only joined the BDSM club a week before we met. Sean confided in me early on that he has a crush on Kyle. I’ve never actually known the Dom to have a sub for longer than three months. Sean nods. “Cool. I’m glad.” I sit up straight and clear my throat. “Now, I have a big favour to ask. Do you mind if, just for now, our separation stays between us? Tomorrow night, we’ll all be going out for dinner and drinks, and I’d like the focus to be where it belongs. Tomorrow night is about Trey and David and meeting David’s best friend. Is that okay?” Sean was invited as well, and I’d still like him to join.
My brothers have no idea about my Dominant status. A huge part of the why of it is the fact it’s simply personal. But the other part? I’m worried about what they’d think. Would they judge me? If they found out, how would they react to me, their brother, being a Dom? Would they think it’s because of our father? Trey’s and my father verbally and eventually physically abused our mother. It wasn’t until she met Travis’s dad that we learnt what a dad should be like. Would they assume I’m a sadist because our father used to hit our mum? Would they accept me? I don’t know, and because of these reasons, I have kept it to myself. I consider my tastes to be on the lighter end of the spectrum. I revel in dominating and controlling the sexual nature of my relationships. This sometimes includes bondage,
blindfolds, and a toy or two. I don’t enjoy inflicting pain unless it’s used for discipline. My best friend Kristen and her girlfriend Lindsay know, as well as a huge part of the BDSM community in Perth. But my brothers and other friends are blissfully unaware of my life as a Dominant. Knowing my brothers, as soon as they find out Sean and I have separated, their focus will be on me all night. They’d want to make sure I’m okay. The last thing I want is to be the centre of attention. Tomorrow night is about my brother, his fiancé, and meeting David’s best friend Ryan. Apparently, he’s returned to Perth after working over in Melbourne for a few years. “Of course,” Sean says easily. “You can tell your brothers after tomorrow night.”
I give him a relieved smile and stand for a hug. “Great. Thank you, Sean.” *** The idea of lying to my brothers about me and Sean makes me feel off the next night. But in all honesty, I’ve been lying by omission for four years, ever since I was introduced to the BDSM lifestyle. During the ride to the restaurant, the urge to tell them Sean and I are no longer together almost spills out of me. I make the decision to tell them tomorrow and push any worries over lying to them away. When we rock up, I follow behind the happy couple, Trey and David. Sean gives me an encouraging smile and I return it. I know he genuinely wants to be here, because he’s fond of my brothers, but it takes a good man to join me tonight, given we’ve parted ways and are keeping it quiet.
Along with my quest to find love, I really do hope Sean finds his special someone too. As everyone appears to be at the table, David does the introductions, and that’s when the metaphorical wind is knocked out of me. The man on the other side of the table is simply breathtaking. He grasps David’s hand in a shake, and both men smile as they hug. Ryan Scott. David’s best friend. Ryan Scott is fucking gorgeous. He has chocolate-brown eyes, dark-brown hair, and plump lips. His slightly bent nose makes me wonder if it’s a sport injury or from a fight. Wide shoulders fan out with bulging biceps. My eyes work their way down his broad chest and slim waist. The man has a beautiful V shape going on. It’s obvious he has an impressive physique under those clothes. Overall, he
makes me think of Tom Welling, except with tanned skin and brown eyes. Fuck. Those eyes. I could drown in them. He’s so hot my dick is pressing against the zipper of my jeans. Sean nudges me. Everyone, including Ryan, is staring at me. I must’ve missed something. Clearing my throat, I say, “Sorry, I zoned out for a minute.” Something incredibly unusual for me. My younger brother, Trey, smiles. “Ryan, this is my brother, Henry. Henry, this is David’s best friend, Ryan.” Aware my cheeks are probably as red as a tomato, I push away my embarrassment and smile, holding my hand out. “Nice to meet you, Ryan.” He meets my eyes for a moment before dropping his gaze. Ryan nods and shakes my hand,
matching my firm grip. “You too.” He’s quick to pull back. When all the intros are done, we sit and order. During dinner and afterwards as we dance, my eyes never stray from Ryan. I don’t know what it is I find so intriguing. Sure, he’s really fucking hot, but he’s not my usual type at all. For starters, he’s my height, and he’s built bigger than I am. I usually go for cute, smaller guys like Sean, not hot men who’re clearly strong enough to pick me up. I know Ryan’s gay; Trey mentioned he’d broken up with his exboyfriend before moving back here. But I’ve yet to figure out what his preference is. Is he a top? A bottom? A switch? When it comes to his physical appearance, he’s not my type. Aside from the fact he’s absolutely gorgeous to look at, why the fuck am I so captivated?
Sometime later, we’re all dancing, and Sean says he’ll be back. I realise Ryan’s watching me. Unable to resist, I head over to chat with him, but my brother beats me to it. I hear how Trey says he’s going to stop drinking after the next shot, and Ryan agrees he’s had a little too much. He does seem… looser than earlier. David appears beside me with a tray of tequila shots, so I take three and sidle up to the man who continues to intrigue me, and my brother. “Hey. Here you go.” I hold them out between us. When Ryan grins in gratitude and takes a glass, I find his mouth fascinating. Especially as he throws his head back and his throat is on full display as he swallows. Fuck. How would it feel to kiss him there? To lick my way up his neck. What would it be like to see a
collar around his neck? A collar which tells the world Ryan is mine? I blink. What the fuck am I thinking? I never collared Sean, and we were together six months. But the desire to claim Ryan as mine is so intense I can’t stop staring. A drop of his drink slides down his throat, and the urge to lick it up is hard to resist. God, I wish I had the right to do that. Just lean forward and catch the runaway liquid with my tongue. To hear his sighfilled pleasure as I lick him. I have to hold back a sigh of disappointment when he wipes his throat with the back of his hand. “Trey!” The three of us turn to see David crook his finger, and my brother swoons. “Excuse me, boys. I believe my man wants a dance.”
Ryan and I smile as we watch Trey throw his shot back and saunter over to his lover. After finally knocking my own shot back, I face Ryan. His eyes keep flicking from mine to the floor and back. There’s uncertainty in his expression, and I open my mouth to say something, when he suddenly blurts out, “I really like your tat.” The touch of his hand on my wrist awakens something inside me. His fingers stroking my forearm send tingles all through my body. It’s been a while since I let someone touch me without permission. I watch, entranced, and a little tipsy, as his pointer finger caresses the ink. It’s a long, thin wand that starts about an inch from my elbow and ends just before my wrist. Ryan moves even closer as he reads the quote out in his deep rumble. “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of
times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” He smiles at me and, again, I marvel at how our eyes line up perfectly. As do our lips. Why do you interest me so? His eyes are chocolate pools I could lose myself in, all day long. They fall back to my arm and he grins. “I’m a Harry Potter fan too.” I have to clear my throat. “Are you now?” My voice is husky. What is this man doing to me? He nods and his whole body seems to join in the movement. “Yep.” The act makes me smile. During the night, I’ve noticed something curious about Ryan and his body language. It’s as though, compared to another person, it takes immense effort for him to keep control of himself or, more accurately, his body. With a few drinks in his system, there seems to be a loosening of his otherwise held-
in-check behaviour. Still, although he’s letting go, he’s not relaxed. The idea of seeing this man in total relaxation mode intrigues me. He releases my arm, seemingly surprised at his own move to touch me. I run my thumb over my bottom lip before taking a deep breath. “I think I need some fresh air. Come with me.” It’s not a question, but a demand. Ryan’s eyes are on my mouth as he nods. “Okay.” Making our way over to the balcony, we discard our shot glasses on a nearby table. With one hand in my pocket, I use the other to open the door and let him stride out first. Aside from a couple over to the left, there’s no one else outside. Ryan steps to the right and leans over the railing. Thousands of lights, and the many buildings, make up an amazing
city view. As I stand behind Ryan, he sighs quietly. “God, I’ve missed Perth.” “Really?” “Yeah,” he says, leaning back against the railing, his eyes on me. He folds those impressive arms over his chest and licks his lips. “You don’t like it here?” “I love it here.” I raise my hands to run them through my hair. When his eyes linger on my biceps and it makes my heart flutter, I know it’s his approval I’m seeking. By the hungry look in his eyes, I’ve found it. He’s attracted to me. “Your eyes are like blue topaz.” His words make me smile. “Are they now?” I chuckle. “This is a good thing?” Ryan simply nods. “So,” he says quietly. “You have any other tattoos?”
Aware that, although he seems interested, I’m taking a risk at being rejected, I step forward and place a hand on either side of him on the railing. Cornering him. “Yes,” I reply. He swallows thickly at our close contact, and once again my focus is glued to his beautiful neck. “Do you have any?” At my proximity, his arms drop and he shudders. He’s nervous. No. As I lean closer, our bodies align and I feel him. He’s hard. If he likes this, why is he freezing up? It’s as if controlling his body is a struggle. “No.” The defensive vibe I’m getting from him is interesting. Ryan’s eyes won’t meet mine. “Henry?” “Yes?” “W-what are you doing?” I sigh and move in closer, unable to stay away from this man. The need for him to know I’m
interested is overwhelming. “Pressing up against you. I don’t know about you, Ryan, but you… intrigue me. You’re incredibly hot.” “I am?” He blinks. Vulnerability fills his eyes as his body struggles for control. Of his actions? Of his emotions? It’s hard to tell. “You know you are.” Ryan shakes his head. “No I… I don’t know that.” He’s being genuine. I can see his honest surprise. How can he be shocked by hearing this? He must be told how good-looking he is on a daily basis. “Okay,” I allow. He frowns and licks his lips. “Um, Henry? You should know… I’m not…. I mean, you really seem like the kind of guy who likes control.” A grin forms on my face. Perceptive. You have no idea, boy. “I am.”
“Well… so am I.” “Oh really?” For some reason, a part of me wants him to prove it. To test him. I don’t know why, but I follow through. “Are you sure about that, Ryan? Because when I look at you, I see someone who wants to give up control. But you don’t let yourself. Why?” I place a hand behind his head and lean forward to whisper into his ear, “You love the cock, don’t you?” Sliding my right hand down his hard, wide chest, I grin. “And all you can think about is when you can ride my dick.” At the last word, I reach his groin and palm him through his jeans. Ryan gasps and I know I’m right. He’s a bottom. He loves being taken. For a moment, I wonder how he’d react if I ever told him I’m a Dom. Because of my surety, it throws me for a loop when he grasps my hand and yanks me over to the
corner. Before I know what’s happening, the man has me up against the brick wall. As he holds my arms above my head, Ryan growls, “I take control. No one else.” He moves between my legs and presses our groins together. He’s full of nervous energy, but being manhandled has never felt so good. My body doesn’t complain at the idea of Ryan taking control, but my mind does. I’m the Dom. I demand control. He thrusts his hips forward. Pushed against the wall with our hard-ons pressing together, it makes me shudder. “Fuck,” I pant. I want this man. His neck is right there. Powerless to stop myself, I latch onto it with my mouth. Sucking his skin for all I’m worth, I run my mouth up to his ear. “I want you,” I breathe. I don’t care about anything else. In this moment, I want this man, and that’s all there is to it.
Still keeping my hands hostage, Ryan groans and nudges my head with his. Smashing his lips to mine, Ryan meets no resistance as he slides his tongue into my mouth. He tastes like tequila, lemon, and salt. Plus, something else altogether Ryan. All I can focus on is warmth. Against my cock, around my wrists, all over my body, and especially in my mouth. The man is everywhere. Pressing me against the wall, he’s everywhere. I like the way our bodies feel together, but I want to be where he is. I want control. As I open my eyes, something captures my attention. I see Trey heading back inside and realise he must’ve seen us. Pushing Ryan back gently with my hips, I curse. “Shit. I think Trey just saw us.” I don’t want to stop making out with him, but things need to be explained before we can continue. Everyone needs to know Sean and I aren’t together anymore. Especially
Ryan. Maybe he’s forgotten, but I’m certain when he remembers I came with someone, guilt will eat at him. I also need to tell Ryan if we do continue this, I’ll be calling the shots. “Oh.” He wipes his mouth and suddenly glares at me. “Wait. That Sean guy. Aren’t you with him?” Apart from the anger, there’s regret in his eyes. Shit. I’m about to tell him yes, but it’ll just confuse him. Although we came together and made everyone think we were still an item, we’re not. “Let’s go inside,” I tell him. Ryan needs to know I am not the cheating type. Back inside, I’m adjusting my hard on when I catch Sean’s eye. The minute he realises what must’ve happened between me and Ryan, his face
crumbles and my heart races. Why does he look so upset? We’d spoken about this. As he starts to rush off, remorse slams into me and I chase after him. “Sean!”
Chapter Two
“Sean!” I yell again. When I’ve run out of other options, I call out, “Pet!” Just before he reaches the door, he stops and turns around. He wipes his eyes roughly. “Hey,” I say softly, rubbing his arm. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made a move on anyone. It was my whole idea to keep this quiet tonight, and I’m so grateful you did this for me. If you’re embarrassed or hurt, I’m really sorry.” Sean scowls. “You’re the one who didn’t want to tell them tonight.” I nod, irritated at myself but still finding it hard to regret the hasty make-out session with Ryan. “I know. I’m really sorry, Sean. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
He huffs before letting a whine escape. “There was a really hot guy earlier, and I didn’t chat him up, because you wanted to wait to tell them.” “Fuck,” I reply. “Is he still here?” Sean scoffs. “I don’t know.” “Sean, I’m sorry.” I fold my arms over my chest and duck down to try to meet his eye level. “You looked upset. You’re not… jealous, are you?” He shakes his head. “Not really. It was weird seeing you with someone else at first, and I think a part of me realised we were really over, but I’m not jealous. No offence, but I’m most upset you got to hook up with someone and I’ve probably missed out.” I bring him in for a hug. “I am sorry.”
After a moment, he pushes me back with a laugh. “Okay, stop apologising. Why don’t we go back and tell them we’re good?” “Okay. Thank you.” I shake my head as we turn around. “Now I feel like an idiot. I should’ve just told them before tonight.” “Yeah.” He shrugs. “You are an idiot.” “Hey!” The man’s lucky he’s not under my care anymore or it would’ve earnt him a spanking. I ruffle his hair and he mock punches me as we return to the group. My eyes search for Ryan, and I watch him as he sees Sean and I have made up. He turns to David. “Hey, man, I’m gonna go.” “No!” I blurt. He can’t leave before I get the chance to speak to him. “Wait, um….” Everyone stares at me. Trey, David, Travis, Sean, and Ryan. I
meet Trey’s eyes. “Sean and I are just friends now.” At the sound of Ryan’s gasp, I glance over to see his horrified expression before focusing back on Trey and David. “We wanted to wait to tell you guys, because tonight’s about you and meeting Ryan. But last night, we decided we’re going to be friends.” Sean shrugs. “I was just annoyed. There was a hot guy earlier I wanted to hit up, but Henry wanted to keep quiet tonight.” Trey and Ryan seem to sigh in relief, and I clear my throat. “Yeah, I didn’t want you guys to worry, so I didn’t want to say anything until after tonight. But…” My eyes find Ryan. “I figured you should all be up to date given the circumstances.” David frowns. “What circumstances?”
“Um….” The circumstance where I want to dominate, fuck, and possess your best friend and I hope the feeling is mutual? Trey saves me. “Well, we are in a gay bar,” he tells his fiancé. “There’s a good probability either Henry or Sean or both of them will find someone to hook up with tonight. I suppose, because of this, they wanted to clear the air?” I give my brother a grateful smile. “Yeah, something like that.” David winks. “Ah.” Everyone ambles off in different directions, and Ryan heads to the bar. I follow after him. He orders a water and I do the same. When I’m facing him, I lean my elbow on the bar. “Ryan—” He interrupts me with his hand in mid-air. “Henry, it’s okay. You don’t need to say anything.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I needed to say I’m sorry if you thought for a moment you helped me cheat. And I just wanted to say, if we were to get together, I am single.” At his silence, I plunge ahead. “And interested.” Ryan licks his lips. “Very interested.” I realise I should probably be thinking more clearly when it comes to pursuing Ryan. He’s my soon-to-be brother-in-law’s best friend. If anything happened, it could make things awkward for everyone involved. But I can’t help it. He intrigues me more than anyone I’ve ever met. I’m completely powerless against this desire I have for him. He has a long gulp of his drink before facing me. “Look, Henry, I think you’re really hot and cool. You seem like a good guy, and Trey and David only have nice things to say about you.”
My eyebrow cocks up. “I sense a ‘but’ coming.” Ryan meets my eyes. “You seem great, but I’m… not interested. In anyone.” “I see.” Sure seemed interested out on the balcony. He sighs and lowers his gaze. “I got caught up in the moment before. I’m not looking for a relationship, or even something casual at the moment, you know? I’m sorry if what happened out there misled you. I got carried away. I just need to focus on myself right now. Especially after moving here, but more importantly....” Ryan thinks for a moment, and I let him. “I just got out of a… something. A bad one. And I can’t even consider entering into any kind of relationship so soon.” His jaw drops as he realises what he’s said, and he
beseeches me, “Please don’t tell David. I don’t want him worrying over me.” Well I hardly know you and I’m worried. When he mentioned a previous connection, why did he hesitate and not use the word “relationship?” Was it so bad he couldn’t call it that? His words and behaviour suddenly give me an unexpected and unlikely impression. Could I have been correct in the beginning? Does Ryan love to give up control? Would he excel at being dominated? Is Ryan possibly projecting this hard, strong façade, when in fact he’s a submissive? Determined to find out, I smile and hold my hands up. “I won’t say anything. And I get it, fair enough. If you ever need to talk, I’ll listen. We hardly know each other, but we might have more in common than you think.”
Ryan chuckles darkly and bites his lip. There’s hurt in his eyes. “I doubt it.” I shrug. “Maybe you’d be surprised. Anyway, since we’ll probably see each other a lot, I’m here if you need me.” Tossing back my water, and without looking at him, I say, “Finish your drink.” He doesn’t hesitate. Ryan lifts his glass and drinks the rest of his water without a thought. Once he’s placed it back down, I praise him, only loud enough for Ryan to hear. “Good boy.” Luxuriating in the way he sighs in pleasure, I stare at his lips. Ryan hasn’t said a thing, but I have my answer. He turns to me with wide eyes, realising what I said and his reaction. Moving my left hand slowly to his cheek, I give him the option to stop me if he wants to. When he doesn’t, my palm holds the
side of his face and I move my lips to his other ear to whisper. “You’re a submissive.” Ryan shivers. With my left hand now on his nape, I slide my right one over his chest. His heart rapidly beats against it. It’s his only normal reaction. After his status becomes clear, he’s no longer hard. And by the pale face, shallow breathing, and wide eyes? He’s clearly frightened. No, Ryan is terrified. Now I’m worried. “You’re scared.” I lower my voice. “Ryan?” “Let me go.” His words are soft. But they’re there. It leads me to unsavoury assumptions. This man has been hurt. Abused. He’s scared of me now. Ever since he found out what I am. Aware of our surroundings, I
don’t want Ryan to say something loud enough for my brothers to hear. Moving my hands to rest softly on his shoulders, I stare into his eyes. “Let’s go somewhere to talk.” “No!” he blurts, trembling. I know he’s frightened. Even… traumatised. But he has to understand the situation we’re in, and the only way for him to feel safe might be to give up control. “Ryan. Listen to me carefully. I’m not going to hurt you. There’s a couch in the corner to your right. Be a good boy, go there, and sit down for me.” When his eyes flick up to mine, there’re unshed tears. His instinct is to obey me, but his very instinct frightens him. The poor man is so conflicted. “Go.” My voice is gentle as I nod over to the quiet area.
He concedes, striding over, and I sit closely beside him. Luckily, there’s no one close by, but I keep my voice down. “Let’s get a couple of things out in the open.” Spreading my arm along the back of the furniture, I focus entirely on Ryan. He gazes at the floor. “You’re a submissive, and I’m a Dominant.” He scoffs and meets my eyes. “No shit.” My cocked brow makes him swallow. He breathes deeply to calm himself down. “Sorry.” “My brothers don’t know,” I tell him. “Can I assume David is unaware as well?” Ryan nods. “Yeah.” “Okay.” Now we’re on the same page. This part of our lives is a secret. Breathing deeply, I take a moment. The urge to ask him about his reaction, to find out why he’s so terrified, is almost too much. I
don’t know this man, and he doesn’t know me. But in the end, I accept that I’d like it even more if Ryan came to me. When he’s ready. While I’m quiet, Ryan checks me out. Perhaps assessing me under this new light. Not Henry, David’s fiancé’s brother. Henry the Dom. As we sit there silently, slowly, the tension emanating from him decreases and he takes a deep breath. “We couldn’t have worked out anyway,” he insists weakly. I’m not sure who he’s trying to convince. “I’m… not a sub anymore. And… I don’t bottom.” Gazing at him, I get the feeling it’s not that he doesn’t, but more so he can’t bottom. Someone hurt him and now it’s a hard limit. Letting him watch as I unashamedly run my eyes up and down his body, I finally focus on his mouth. This man has me
desiring all sorts of new things. I choose not to focus on his initial reaction, but to reiterate my attraction to him. “I’m not so sure. It could’ve been good fun, tying you up and swallowing your cock. Or ordering you to take me inside your mouth. Demanding you swallow my release, only to kiss you and taste myself on your tongue.” Ignoring his shiver, I shrug. “Everyone has their hard limits, Ryan. Aside from taking you, there are so many other ways I can pleasure you.” With that parting comment, I stand and give his wide-eyed and slack-jawed expression a wink before heading for the men’s. I’ve made my point. Although he says he doesn’t want to be with anyone, especially a Dom, I want Ryan. I want him in my bed. And the idea I might not ever fuck him doesn’t bother
me. I want to dominate and possess him in every way I can. No matter what it takes, or how long, I’m going to own Ryan Scott. *** Three weeks after meeting Ryan, I start to feel disheartened. After the first week, I slowly embraced being single again, but it’s taken a bit of getting used to. It was nice having someone for company, submission, or sex. What Sean and I had was nice. It was comfortable. If I’m interested in someone, I usually do the chasing. But with Ryan, I know I need to be careful. I’d hoped the way things ended between us would result in him making a move. Even if it was the smallest hint of a sign he was interested, I
would’ve
taken
it
and
gone
after
him.
Unfortunately, he hasn’t, and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. Dating has been a bust. My quest to find something more, to find love, has been unsuccessful. No matter who I go on a date with, every guy has been the same; they either claim to want a relationship only to bail after the first date, or they say straight up they’re only looking for a one-night stand or a friends-with-benefits deal. It has me asking where all the good men are. Where are the men who actually want a relationship? The guys at the BDSM club Lost and Bound either want a Dom and nothing more, or the few who do want more hold no interest for me. Yes, I’d like a submissive in the bedroom. But the idea of having someone to come home to after a long day’s work? Someone to simply lie
naked in bed with and just rest in each other’s arms? It causes a heavy yearning in my chest. Sure, sex before or after we snuggle together would be a bonus, especially if he’s a submissive, but it’s not what I’m starving for. Now? I want affection and love. I don’t even want to consider how long it’s been since I was simply held. The desire brings Ryan to mind. The dark hair and chocolate eyes. His beautiful, tanned body I hope to one day see in its entirety. Arriving at work, I open the door to Anderson’s Athletics, or Andy’s, and consider giving up dating for a little while. It’ll mean letting various friends know I’m over the set-ups, but I think it’s for the best. Shoving my bag in a pigeonhole behind the front desk, I grab my towel and water bottle before clipping my name badge on. Working as a fitness trainer at a gym south of the Swan River
with my brother is awesome. When they first meet us, people assume Travis and I go crazy working and living together. But we make it work and we’re really close. There’s only been a few incidents throughout the years, and only one big fight. Of course, it was years ago and it revolved around a guy we were both interested in. Scanning my eyes over the day’s roster, I make note of which clients to expect at what times. Afterwards, my thoughts stray back to Ryan. Ever since that night three weeks ago, when we hooked up on the balcony, we’ve seen each other a few times. Once at Trey and David’s, and a couple of times at the gym. Soon after meeting us all, Ryan became a member at Andy’s, and although I’ve been with a client during the times he’s come in, I’ve kept an eye on him. Admittedly for both professional and unprofessional reasons. Every time we’ve been in the
same vicinity, Ryan’s ignored me as much as possible. My interest in him hasn’t faded away at all, but in the last week, a sense of hopelessness hit me. We’ve added each other on Facebook and follow one another on Instagram, but the guy doesn’t pick up anything I throw out. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much. Maybe it’s because it reflects our interest levels. Clearly it’s unbalanced. I should stop torturing myself and move on. I’m not usually one to waste energy and time on someone who isn’t interested. The worst part is, he doesn’t seem to care I’m out dating. Trey was retelling one of my blind date fiascos, and Ryan didn’t react at all. Even when my brother named a few other men who might be interested in me, he’d seemed bored. It irked me, because if I found out Ryan was going on a date, or had been on a date, I’d
be jealous. Which frustrates me more than anything. How can I be jealous? As much as I’d like him to be, Ryan isn’t anything more than my brother-in-law’s best friend. It’s later in the day when I spin around and see the man, who’s been monopolising my thoughts, heading towards me. Taking my eyes off Ryan to check the time, it tells me I have fifteen minutes before my next client arrives for a PT session. Once again, Ryan’s in his black gym shorts and grey Everlast T-shirt. The outfit emphasises his wide shoulders and muscular legs. He’s so hot it should be illegal. Ryan’s welcoming, wide smile is a surprise and it makes my heart beat faster. Why is he smiling at me? Who’s made him this happy? For an unfortunate moment, I wonder if he got lucky recently.
“Hey, Henry,” he says, stopping a couple of feet in front of me. I like the way he says my name with his deep, sexy voice. I smile and nod. “Hey.” “Do you have a client at the moment?” Shaking my head, I finish cleaning the treadmill in front of me. “Nah. Not for fifteen. You just get here?” “Yeah. I have an hour lunch break so I figured I’d sneak in a workout.” I frown at the idea of him skipping a meal. “What about lunch?” Ryan pats his bag. “I’ll eat it after. You know I only work down the road.” “True.” I smile and tell him to have a good session. Hopefully this time I’ll focus more on my
client and less on him. The man is way too distracting. “Uh, Henry?” I pause and turn. “Yeah?” He rubs his arm and looks down. He’s unsure of himself. “Do you um…. I mean, how’re your dates going?” I chuckle. “Terrible.” Ryan’s head snaps back up and he beams at me. “That’s great!” My eyes widen and he looks horrified. “I mean. Shit. Not great. Just. Okay. Um…” He fiddles with his bottle. “I just… I was just wondering if you’d like to…. Maybe we could… hang out sometime?” Inside my chest, a spark of hope ignites. “Hang out?”
He nods enthusiastically. “Yeah. Like, grab some pizza? Watch the footy?” I swear my heart skips a beat. He’s making a move. “Sounds great,” I say, giving him an encouraging smile. “There’s a game on Friday night, and the Eagles are playing. I usually watch it with my brothers, but we can watch it together. Did you want to come to mine, or we could go out?” I’m unsure if he just wants us to hang out as friends, or if he wants more. “You could come to my place if you’d like?” Although he seems confident, he’s throwing off some nervous vibes. It’s like his body and mind are torn between wanting me to say yes and wanting me to say no. I think he honestly wants me to come over, for possibly more than a friendly get-together, but
he’s shy about it. He’s nervous to have me over, but he wants the privacy his place offers. “All right,” I say. “Well you’ve got me on Facebook. Message me your address and I can swing by at like five? I’ll bring the pizza, you get the booze.” He grins. “Okay, awesome.” Ryan pulls his phone out and hands it over. “How about you put your number in, and I’ll text my address to you.” I do as he says and offer him a smile. We have each other on Facebook, but he wants my number anyway. The more time I spend with Ryan, it’s clear the man’s conflicted. He wants me, but he doesn’t like it. Maybe he’s even scared to like me. But he’s reaching out now. The part that wants me is winning out. “I’ll see you Friday then.”
He nods determinedly. “Friday.”
Chapter Three
All day Friday, I’m excited. After I’ve come home from work and showered, the pizzas are ordered. One with plenty of meat and the other covered in vegetables. Along with two loaves of garlic bread, I figure I can’t go wrong. Tonight’s going to be different for me. Having no idea what the night will entail, and with no expectations, I feel protective of whatever might happen with Ryan. Because of that, I don’t mention it to my brothers when they make plans to watch the game together, only admitting to watching it with a friend. They probably assume I mean Kristen and Lindsay and I let them. At this stage, my brothers don’t need to know Ryan and I are getting together.
I’m not planning to instigate anything physical. Ryan calls the shots tonight. He’s the one who didn’t want to enter into anything—casual or otherwise—so he has to be the one to make the decision. Especially given his reaction the other night. Something about my being a Dom scares him. And if I’m right, it’s because he was hurt by one. For all I know, Ryan just wants to be friends. Perhaps he wants a friend who’s connected to the BDSM scene? Given his aversion to Doms, I find myself feeling proud of him for reaching out. Tonight, I’ll let him make the first move. But if he does show interest? I might just have to show him all the benefits of having me as his Dom. Ryan’s apartment isn’t far at all. Once he buzzes me through, I make my way to his floor. He stands in his doorway waiting for me. In a shirt,
jeans, and wearing a cap backwards, he resembles a hot, sexy, American jock. “Hey,” he greets me, moving to the side to let me in. “Hey.” He closes the door, and I lead the way down the short hall. “So, not knowing what you like, I bought a vegetarian and a meat lover’s pizza.” “Perfect,” he says. “I like both of those.” I grin widely. “Same.” Ryan stares at me for a moment before shaking his head. “Um… I’ve got beer, cider, and red or white wine. What’s your poison?” “What type of cider?” “Um… hang on.” He opens the fridge, and I unashamedly check out his ass as he bends over. What I’d give to lick it… fuck it… spank it…. “I’ve got apple and pear.”
I clear my throat. “Actually, I’ll have a Coroner.” “Cool, me too.” Ryan collects two beers and unscrews the caps. “We can just put all the food on my coffee table and eat on the couch.” He leads the way into the spacious living area. The furniture looks comfortable. Between the couch and the large flat screen is the coffee table. “Wow,” I praise. “This is an awesome setup. Must be great for watching sports and movies.” “Thanks. Yeah, it’s cool.” A shy smile teases his lips. He’s cute when he’s nervous. We sit next to each other, and I moan at how comfy the couch is. “Nice.” Figuring I’d start off with the easy questions, I ask, “So what movies are you into?”
Ryan rests one ankle on the opposite knee and moves his hand in a see-saw motion. “Pretty much anything. I like comedy, horror, thriller, drama, scifi, you name it.” I pick up a slice of pizza. “Same. Do you like Marvel movies?” “Of course! X-men, Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy. I like DC too.” “Well, we like the same movies then.” I give him a wink. “Favourite music?” “Again, anything really.” My eyes find his and I give him a flirty smile. “It sounds like you’re easy to please.” Ryan smirks self-deprecatingly and it almost undoes me. “I think so.” The man puts on such a confident, intimidating front. He’s truly trying to
hide his submissiveness in order to save himself from being hurt again. When it becomes too much, I stop watching him eat. It’s too torturous. The way his mouth widens and how his teeth bite down, the tease of his tongue as it slides over his lips. All he has to do is eat pizza, actually probably anything, and it has me hot under the collar. His throat as he swallows is too enticing. The desire to lick his Adam’s apple is there again. We eat and drink as we watch the game, and the whole time, I’m fully aware of the man beside me. Ryan’s trying to seem calm and relaxed, but as time goes by and as close as we are, he’s giving off a lot of tension. Every time I move, he tenses and holds his breath. The physical awareness is distracting him. So much so, he jumps when I holler at the screen, “What the hell? That was a mark!”
He focuses on the game as they show a replay. Ryan moans in agreement. “Aw, shit! Now the other team’s gonna get a goal!” We watch as his assumption proves correct. With the game taking his attention, his passion is endearing and entertaining. When he groans with a curse, I place my hand on his knee. “It’s all good. There’s only another ten minutes, and they’re thirty points behind. We’re going to win.” Other than dropping his gaze to his knee, Ryan doesn’t react. Finally, he shakes his head seriously. “They could catch up. It’s unlikely, but they could.” I frown. “They’d have to get at least five goals. It’s not going to happen.” He grunts, and I can’t help but smile at him. “What?” he asks.
“Nothing.” I shrug and face the TV, pulling my hand back. Ryan sighs and places his bottle down on the table. We’re on our third round of drinks. “You got something to say, Bromley, say it.” The words make me grin. “It’s endearing how passionate you are, and you’re cute when you’re frustrated.” His jaw drops before he mutters “cute” in a huff. It doesn’t seem like he’s going to say anything else, but he does. “Maybe I am frustrated.” We both know what he means, and it has nothing to do with the game. The way he said it and his body language. Sexual frustration. Since he brought it up, maybe I can acknowledge my interest again. “I could help you with that, you know. All you’d have to do is ask.” Not wanting to make things
uncomfortable, I finish my drink and place it on the table before leaning back into the couch. A few minutes go by with my eyes on the game, when I holler, “That’s it, Kennedy, yes!” I clap as our team gets another goal. I turn to Ryan with a grin, and he’s already looking at me. “See? Now they’d have to get six—” Ryan’s mouth covers mine. Surprised, I blink when he pulls back after the hasty, warm kiss. My eyes search his for an explanation, for permission, for all the above. When he just smiles, I close the space between us and press my lips to his. He moans, and the game is completely forgotten. With my left palm on his cheek, I hold him steady as I slide my tongue into his mouth. He groans loudly, and when he starts to suck on it, I make a swift move to straddle him. But Ryan has other ideas and overpowers me.
Pushing my back down into the couch, he holds himself over me. Hooking my leg over his hip, he presses his pelvis into mine. God, how long has it been since I let a man cover my body with his? To have most of Ryan’s weight pressing down on me is enlightening, because it makes me realise how much I missed this. The last time I let a man dominate me was years ago with Kyle, when he was training me. Yes, I’m a Dominant. But fuck, Ryan feels good on top of me, and I don’t want to say or do anything to scare him off. What this man does to me…. “Shit,” I grunt, using the heel of my foot on his thigh to press him down closer. I remove his cap and my fingers twine through his hair as I bring his lips to mine. Taking my hands, he raises them above my head and holds them still. It’s so weird letting him have control, but surprisingly, it’s no hardship. I
pant into his mouth and buck up into him. I’m so hot for him. I want Ryan, and I don’t care how I have him. For this to happen, he clearly needs to be the one calling the shots and, for now, that’s more than fine. When he starts sucking on my neck, I growl, “I want you, Ryan.” My words seem to shock him. He freezes. The lost look in his eyes tells me he can’t believe his actions. As if he too had no control over them. But I know the only way we’ll hook up tonight is if he feels in control. This man is creating more passion in me than I’ve ever experienced. I simply have to be with him. Before he can stop what’s happening, I push his back into the couch and shift to kneel on the floor. With a hand on each knee, I separate his legs and move between them. My head hovers above his
groin. “Do you want me to make you feel good, baby?” Ryan’s eyes widen and he licks his lips. I don’t move an inch until he gives me the slightest nod. Just as I’m about to strip him, I pause. He knows what I am and he still invited me over. Maybe, as scared as he is to admit it to himself, he does want to submit. He just needs to admit it and free himself. I sit back on my heels. “Remove your jeans.” His nimble fingers move quickly. Ryan pushes his jeans down, along with his briefs. When he lifts his ass and yanks them down past his knees, to his ankles, I shift closer. Caressing his thick, hairy thighs, I moan at the sight of him. His dick is hard and there’s precum at the tip. Like mine, Ryan’s pubic hair is neat and trimmed.
“You’re beautiful, Ryan.” His breath hitches as I grasp him around the base. “I’m not fully hard yet.” “Oh, I know, baby. But I’m going to change that.” A slight hesitation, and then, “Please,” he whispers. His fingers clench above his stomach. Bending my head down, I lick his tip. “Fuck yeah,” he moans. “Please.” Widening my mouth, I take him in as far as I can. “Oh, God.” Seeing this man in the throes of passion just increases my own pleasure. I hold his base with one hand and cover his hands with my other. Taking his cock with my mouth, I bob my head up and down. Holding him deep inside, I swallow around him. His moans, and the grip one of his hands has on mine, spur me on. Ryan’s breath hitches as his stomach
tenses up. With his legs wide apart, he hooks his feet around my legs. Ryan’s back arches and he hisses. He’s close, and I can’t wait to taste him. “Coming!” he gasps. After his juices spill down my throat and he grunts, I swallow everything he offers before letting him slide out. Wanting to give him a few moments to recover, I start to stand, but Ryan’s lightning fast. He’s only just come, but the man is quick. He pulls down my sweats and throws me down on the couch. Before I know it, Ryan has me down his throat, sucking me off like there’s no tomorrow. He’s like a starving man, and his mouth is divine. “Ah. Yes, boy.” I knot my fingers in his hair. He massages my balls and lifts off my cock. “Huh. You’re eight inches when you’re fully hard too.”
“Yeah,” I pant. “I like your cock, Henry. I like how it bends up like this.” His fingers grip gently onto what little hair I have. “And I love these ginger pubes.” Ryan’s other hand starts jerking me off harder and faster, and it makes me groan. “What?” Lifting my lids, I meet his eyes. “Suck me, Ryan. Now. I want your mouth.” He moans. “Mm. I’m hard again.” Lowering my gaze, I see he’s right. Ryan tilts his head, and whispers, “I wonder if I should jerk us off together, or if you’ll let me fuck you.” I gaze up into his eyes. This man wants me. He wants to fuck me. I haven’t had a man inside me in years, but I know he won’t let me top. At least not tonight. And Ryan’s different. I want him so badly, and if the only way to be close to him is to let him
inside me, I can do that. In that moment, I want it. I want to be connected to Ryan as physically as I can. “Do it,” I demand, my Dom status undeniable through the tone of my voice. “Fuck me.” His jaw drops for a moment before he recovers. “Y-yes, Sir.” Surprising the shit out of me, Ryan pulls me off the couch, grips my thighs, and lifts me. Having a man pick me up is surreal and exhilarating. The voice inside my head screams I should be the one doing this, and a big part of me wants to be, but I ignore it. Because my need for him is stronger. Automatically, wrapping my legs around him, I hold on as he strides over to where I’m assuming is his bedroom. Ryan’s ridiculous strength, and the fact he’s carrying me, is new and exciting. At six foot two with decent muscle, I’m not light. Yet, he carries me
like I weigh nothing. Lifting me away from his body, he throws me onto the bed. If I didn’t know how vulnerable and nervous Ryan was leading up to this, his controlling mannerisms would be a turn off. As I stare up at him from the bed, he hesitates. The confidence and strength he showed bringing me into his bedroom flees, and I’m left with a man who seems lost. He swallows before scrunching his eyebrows. “This is wrong,” he says. I tilt my head. “What do you mean?” Ryan folds his arms over his chest and lowers his eyes. “I shouldn’t fuck you. You’re a Dom.” He shakes his head. “It’s wrong for me to fuck you.” I lift myself up until my back is resting against his headboard, assuming a relaxed position. “Do you want to play?” My question is quiet, but his
reaction is explosive. If looks could kill, I’d be dead. I manage to speak before him. “We’re both aware of at least one of your hard limits. You can fuck me tonight, Ryan. But what I need to know right now is whether it’s as simple as that, or if we’re playing and I’m the Dominant.” “What do you mean?” he asks. “You are a Dom. It’s pretty bloody obvious.” “And you’re a submissive. One who’s clearly been hurt before.” His jaw clenches. “I need to know what you want from this. Tell me now, Ryan. Do you want a Dom tonight?” Tension seems to disappear as he sighs. His shoulders drop and his hands fall by his sides. “I want you.” As Ryan said before, I am a Dom. And he doesn’t just want any Dom, he wants me. Standing, I
remove my shoes and clothes. He watches me, and his eyes are captivated when I look at him. “Your safeword is Red, and you’re to call me ‘Sir.’” I cross my arms over my chest. “Strip.” After taking a deep breath, Ryan lifts his shirt and throws it on the floor. I hold in a gasp. Besides having plenty of muscles and the amazing physique I envisioned, Ryan has scars. On his left pectoral muscle is a small, circular burn mark. By the shape, I know it’s from a cigarette. There’s a long, thin scar running diagonally across his abdomen. Another lower line runs parallel to it and ends only a few inches from his cock. These scars allow me to see his nose in a different light. At first, I thought it’d been broken during some sport activity. Now, I assume that the burn, the cuts, and his nose are all products of his ex. The idea he was physically
abused, without his consent, angers me like nothing else ever has. He looks away, seemingly embarrassed. “Look, Henry—” “It’s Sir. And I won’t tell you not to talk. But unless you’re using your safeword, I see no reason for you to disobey me.” Ryan licks his lips. A sigh of relief escapes him as he removes all his clothes and waits for my next command.
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