baúl. Pero bueno, ahora sí puedo guiar y sentirme como todo el mundo con el derecho de beber agua de las mismas fuentes y votarenlaselecciones. Bueno, creo que eso es todo. Así que recuerden, a menos que el gato de tu mamá no sea tu mejor amigo y escuches música del año de las guácaras, no vayas a Sanford. Siempre lava la ropa con suavizador o úsalo de lubricante y asegúrate de que la próxima vez quemontesaprostitutosenelbaúl delcarro,quetengansuresidencia conellos.
New Car, Guys in My Trunk and a Little Fabric Softener
Today I had a really hard time coming up with things to talk to you guys about. My life is as interesting as watching turtle p*rn. Latest things that happened to me would be my trip to Sanford in Central Florida or talking to my new friend. I was having a conversation with him, but at times, it's almost impossible to relate to him. He parties a lot, hooks up with different guys every week and is in a perpetual diet which consists of nothing but air, water and a side of guilt. You know the type: they say things like “remember bread”? and talk to you endlessly about 'hot people problems'. “It's just so hard for me to pick up new clothes because I look good in everything. Ugh! What should I do”?! – I just roll my eyes and say “I know! Don't you hate that? Let's order a pizza”. My life is not as adventurous as theirs. Sometimes, when I do the
laundry, I don't add fabric softener…on purpose! That's the kind of stuff that makes me feel I am a rebel living life dangerously. Another friend of mine took me to Sanford thinking this place would be more my speed. Have you been there? It seriously felt like I walked out of a time machine a few years back in the past. Every single house gave me that eerie feeling that made me think someone died in there, but the spirit is still guarding the place! Every porch had a rocking chair. That is something you don't even see at furniture stores anymore. All it was missing were the 80-year olds reading the paper outside as they fanned themselves sipping on iced tea and talking about that new metallic flying device that is all the rage. People walked by me, smiled and wished me a good afternoon, but did not ask me for money! Clearly, I entered the Twilight Zone. I was starting to feel homesick and missed the sound of traffic and rude people, so my buddy slapped me across the face and called me an a$$hole. I sighed in relief and thanked him. I'm from the big cities. Nobody takes long walks down the beach calmly
greeting passersby. Most of the walking takes place at the mall and we are watchful of everyone because they all want to steal your money. “Have a nice day” – They would say. “B!tch, I don't know you. Get away from me!” would be my response until realizing this is the store's cashier after I made a purchase. Another thing that happened to me recently is getting a new car. I was not able to drive for a whole year due to an accident I had. OK, fine! My license was revoked due to drug possession…and an extinct breed of monkey I had on the backseat…and an illegal alien prostitute I hid in my trunk while he was crossing the border. I can finally drive again and it feels great to be able to say I am just like everyone else! I can even vote and drink from the same water fountains as the rest of you too! I believe that's it. So, avoid Sanford unless your mom's cat is your best friend and you rock to the oldies, always add fabric softener to your laundry or use for lubrication and make sure, the next time you hide a prostitute inside the trunk of your car to take home, that he is in fact a citizen of this country or at least a legal resident!
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