self
friend, or take a bracing walk on the beach before drinking a flask of hot chocolate in the car and listening to the waves. Unlike that first ill-fated duvet day, I wind my way home brimming with a sense of having had my cup refilled, eager to resume normal life. I have never revisited the brink of overwhelm like I did on that dark day beside the sink.
Nurturing every day
That’s what taking a duvet day from life does for me but, in a culture that encourages us to compete on the basis of how busy we are, taking any time off seems counter-intuitive. Yet, psychotherapist, Hilda Burke, thinks I’ve got my priorities right. ‘It’s very strange, but our culture views looking after ourselves as overly indulgent. I see this with clients who feel selfish coming to therapy, especially to talk about themselves, whereas activities which are potentially very harmful – such as overspending and binge-drinking – are much more socially acceptable,’ Burke says. ‘In fact, looking after one’s self isn’t selfish. It strengthens your capacity to be caring and attentive to others. Taking a break from your responsibilities is the responsible thing to do.’ But, for Burke, this needs to be about more than the occasional day off. ‘Prevention is always better than cure,’ she says, and recommends self-nurturing on a daily basis. ‘Aim to spend at least 20 minutes every day doing one thing that helps replenish you; think of it as taking a little bit of your duvet day into daily life.’ While daily nurturing might hold less appeal or be trickier to arrange than an occasional duvet day, it could have a more profound and lasting
26 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E O C T O B E R 2 0 1 6
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Looking after one’s self isn’t selfish. It strengthens your capacity to be caring and attentive to others. Taking a break from your responsibilities is the responsible thing to do
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>>> bed, and instead see a film with a
effect, says Bridget Grenville-Cleave, a founder member of the International Positive Psychology Association and director of Workmad Ltd. ‘A new view is emerging which recognises that sustainability is an important factor in happiness, and yet cultivating ways of sustaining our wellbeing can, in fact, be quite unexciting,’ she explains. Curl up somewhere comfortable with a book for pure pleasure; turn off your phone and take a nap or a long bath; or sit by a window and simply allow your mind the rare luxury of
wandering aimlessly. In the end, what you do for your daily duvet moment matters less than simply getting into the habit of being more attentive to your needs. I make excuses for why I can’t spare even a few moments to take care of myself. But a pressing work deadline, a mountain of laundry and children demanding help with their homework aren’t good enough reasons to put off making our own needs a priority. There’s probably never a tougher period in your life to eke out time for duvet days or daily acts of self-care than when you’re parenting young children. But, there will always be commitments that seem more important, so we simply must put ourselves first from time to time. That kitchen-sink decision to seize a duvet day saved my marriage, if not my soul. Learning to be more attentive to my own needs, and incorporating a nurturing ritual into every day, is also helping turn my duvet days from desperate measures into rejuvenating experiences. A duvet day should never be all that gets you through – but one well spent can truly top you up. hildaburke.co.uk; workmad.co.uk
stop, relax, replenish
Take time out of daily life to rid yourself of stress l SCHEDULE
l OVER-OCCUPIED
DAILY SPACE
It’s become the cultural ‘norm’ to be unmanageably busy. But, if that’s driven by your difficulty in saying ‘no’, or fear of having a blank diary, examine why you feel like this.
‘You need to practise nurturing yourself daily to feel its benefits,’ says Burke. Schedule it into your calendar as you would other work or health commitments.
l FALLING ILL WHEN YOU STOP
‘Psychosomatic illnesses are your body’s way of forcing you to pay attention to your health,’ says Burke. If you’re unwell the moment you take a break, slow down.