April 3, 2014 | Volume 2, Issue 24 | Norman, OK
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HUM THE OR I SSU
WHY SLEIGH BELLS IS THE ULTIMATE HIPSTER BAND page 3 THE FRAT HALLS ARE FULL page 6 HOW TO BE SWOLDIER page 10 GOT SOME LAUGHS AT DELTA GAMMA’S ANCHORMAN PAGEANT! (PLEASE TELL ME YOU SAW MR. KAPPA SIG’S SWIM SHORTS…) Photo courtesy of Chas Wojan
THE HUMOR ISSUE Back by popular demand, this issue is a funny one. We have received so many frantic pleas for another humor issue that we decided to steal a page from our national branch’s book and do one of our own. This issue is filled with sarcasm, dry humor, raunchy humor, rude humor, slapstick humor, stereotypical humor and just about every other type of humor you can think of. But nothing humor-related could possibly be complete without the funniest of funny.To celebrate our second annual humor issue, I decided to write a poem, nay, a sonnett (if you’re curious, check my
Through lands of boring and humorlessness. For repeating your funny quotes they chide
But I cannot listen to their redress.
Alpha Gamma Delta
“If you ain’t first, you’re last.” That much is true. Ricky Bobby inspires me to win.
My sisters fight like you in Step Brothers
During all my midterms the best thing to do
For which movie of yours we will watch next
Is to put Taladega Nights’ disc in.
Even though I have seen all the others
Your DVDs are no Elf on my shelf.
ABABCDCDEFEFGHGHII structure) to the King
I eat the five food groups while watching you.
of Humor – my idol, my spirit animal, by dream
I channel you all the times I play Quelf
man… Will Ferrell. Oh Will, thou art my spiritual guide
Haley is a senior studying classical languages & English writing. You may contact her at hmowdy@ ou.edu.
For not thinking about you makes me blue.
Only do you have me spellbound and hexed. Because of all the laughs you bring to me I wrote you a poem in The Odyssey
THE ODYSSEY AT OKLAHOMA CREATIVE EXECUTIVE TEAM
Editor-in-Chief Haley Mowdy
Alpha Gamma Delta
Alpha Chi Omega
Editor-Elect Annie Roach
Recruitment Chair Hunter Graham
Delta Delta Delta
PR Chair Dea Pennington
Delta Delta Delta
Alpha Chi Omega
Pi Beta Phi
OLYMPIA MEDIA GROUP 888.272.2595 | OlympiaMediaGroup.com Managing Editor, Brittany Binowski Graphic Designer, Grant Hohulin
We want a representative from every house!
To apply for a writing, photography or sales position, TheOdysseyOnline.com/creative © 2014 Olympia Media Group, LLC All Rights Reserved. The Odyssey is a private entity not associated or governed by University of Oklahoma Greek life office. The views and opinions shared in The Odyssey are those of the writers and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Odyssey and Olympia Media Group.
WHY SLEIGH BELLS IS THE ULTIMATE HIPSTER BAND NICOLE SMITH Alpha Omicron Pi
Nicole is a junior studying economics & religious studies. You may contact her at smith.a.nicole@ ou.edu. It seems like everyone is trying to be a hipster. Flannels from the local thrift store, hipster glasses, some kind of obscure hobby (like playing the jaw-harp) and the constant desire to find the hidden band before others will put you into this category. And if you’re a boy, you need a beard. Well, the University of Oklahoma has brought us a hipster band like never before. The FREE concert for the #MustStay Weekend will be top of the line as Sleigh Bells take the stage at 9 p.m. on Saturday, April 5. Sleigh Bells is an American noise pop musical duo. I know what you’re thinking, what is noise pop? I had the same question. According to the all-knower of random
information that is known as the Internet, and specifically Wikipedia, “noise pop is a subgenre of alternative rock… that mixes dissonant noise or feedback or both with the melodic instrumentation and production elements more often found in pop music.” Now, everyone can say they have a hipster taste in music by understanding the genre of noise pop. You’re welcome.
I had one Sleigh Bells song on my iPod (“Infinity Gu,itars” if you’re wondering which one), so I decided to consult the writers of the iTunes Store for a review on their newest album, Bitter Rivals. After reading that the lyrics from the song, “Minnie… sounds like a catty nursery rhyme and stings like a mean girl’s burn book,” I knew that Sleigh Bells needed to become my new obsession to get my hipster street creds. Even though you won’t find Sleigh Bells playing on the top 10 of KJ103, don’t be misled that they aren’t worth listening to, because they have a huge fan base in the more hipster areas of the country. Even if you don’t want to give off a hipster vibe to your mainstream friends, Sleigh Bells has fantastic music that everyone should listen to. How often are you able to hear a free concert by an artist who was in the top 50 of Billboard top 200? Only when CAC,
UPB and OU Summer Session put their heads together to bring you one. Thanks to the efforts of several students and organizations, we can enjoy all that Sleigh Bells has to offer and they’re pretty thrilled that they reined in such a huge hit. “We are incredibly excited to bring such a big name to campus this semester,” said Abby Kinsinger, professional writing senior and one of the show’s organizers. “The purpose of Must Stay is to encourage students to stay on OU’s campus and experience all the university has to offer on a weekend that they might normally leave town and we really think this Sleigh Bells concert will accomplish that goal”. So grab your hipster glasses and some friends and go see a live and free performance of incredibly talented artists. Be sure to give a shout out to the amazing students who helped you find your new favorite band. Sleigh Bells Saturday, April 5 (opening band starts at 8 p.m.) East Union lawn Price: FREE
APRIL FOOL’S DAY? MORE LIKE APRIL FOOL’S MONTH MARRY WILLA ALLEN Alpha Chi Omega
Mary is a junior studying English literature. You may contact her at email@example.com. Picture this: a precious, doe-eyed youth wants nothing more than to perform the prank of a lifetime on her own mother for April Fool’s Day. She bands together with her brothers and father, letting idea after idea marinate in a creative thunderstorm until the four amigos finally decide on the perfect deed. However, their pathetic brains only manage to come up with this: put a bunch of ketchup on a child’s forehead, pretend said child has been in an accident involving baseball bats and too much sugar, then watch sweet, innocent mom spiral into madness. Long story short, a seasoned mother knows the difference between the actual bodily fluid and a few globs of McDonald’s ketchup. Also, ketchup smells. Plan foiled. Dreams crushed. Game over. Yes, yes, you may have guessed it: that little doe-eye youth… that was yours truly. You can now surmise that I, Mary Willa Allen, suck at April Fool’s. But you don’t have to. As the title of this article may indicate, I urge you to take the entire month of April as your time to wreak
havoc on your friends, family, coworkers and peers. Not only will this allow you more than one try if your weakminded prank fails, but you can spread the love to more victims. Also, their guards will be down and your chances will be up, my friends. Here are some funny pranks to consider that take a short amount of time, but are also stupid enough to brag about. Cut out the bottom of the cereal box you know your victim will be using in the morning. Set the bottom-less cereal box on a shelf in the pantry. Pour the cereal back into the box after it has been set on the shelf. Watch as your poor, stupid victim pulls the cereal off the shelf, effectively spilling cereal everywhere. Make an immediate exit so as to avoid cleanup duty. Put a rubber band on the lever of the spray-hose connected to your sink. Wait for your victim to turn on the sink. Watch him or her get sprayed like a fool. Put Saran wrap on someone’s car, the front door, the toilet (ew). Classic. Steal your victim’s car keys and turn up the radio all the way so they’ll have a great pick-me-up the next morning. Probably avoid people with heart problems: our goal is to scare, not kill. Cover a tray with foil and tell your victim you left them brownies. When they open the foil, you know what they’ll see? A pile full of brown E’s. Like, you’re gonna trace and cut out a bunch of letter E’s with brown construction paper.
Brown Es. Tell me that’s not the best thing you’ve ever heard in your entire life. Scrape the cream off some Oreos. Put toothpaste in the middle instead. Tell your victim to help themselves to some delicious Oreos. Tell your significant other that you cheated on them with your TA. LOLOLOL. Just kidding. Don’t do that. Don’t wanna be responsible for your break up. Change your name in your victim’s phone to the name of their favorite celebrity. Then text them something like “Hey, wanna meet up later?” I don’t know about you, but I’d probably freak out for a second if Harry Styles asked me to hang out before rational thought kicked in and I realized I don’t, and never will, have Harry Styles’ number despite my numerous efforts. Watch that scene in the Parent Trap with the shaving cream and the balloons and the honey and the fake snow. You know which scene. Take notes. And of course, the best way to end an April Fool’s prank is to laugh maniacally, document on social media and run away swiftly. Just remember: sleep with one eye open. April is a looong month.
4 COPING WITH SBW: SPRING BREAK WITHDRAWAL Scene on campus
ELLEN PEARSON Chi Omega
Ellen is a sophomore studying journalism. You may contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Spring Break Withdrawal, or SBW, is the general sadness one experiences after spring break. Usually brought on by copious amounts of alcohol and weeklong bad decisions, SBW can seriously destroy your weeks after spring break. Unless you have tests or papers due the next few weeks, the amount of schoolwork is usually under control. But doing anything but sleeping after spring break is a Herculean task. Honestly, you’ll probably just have to nurse that hangover you got after a week’s worth of drinking. Sorry, champ, but you
knew going into it that this week would not be all butterflies and roses. You’ve made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.
Truth be told, the weeks following spring break are brutal. Not only do you have to deal with the repercussions of staying up all night and drinking all day, but you also have to resume your normal schoolwork. Monday morning is never pleasant, but after a week’s worth of waking up and immediately drinking mimosas, it is almost impossible to endure. The alarm goes off and your whole body aches, but then off to class you go. You wonder if you’ll even be able to walk to class without having to take a breather, but not to worry! Most of the other students are feeling it, too. Early morning classes are never pleasant, but this week, it has turned the student body into zombies. You can tell what week it is just by glancing at other students. They wear the same bags under their eyes and the same dead face. But there’s safety in numbers; at least you’re not in it alone. Tuesday and Wednesday are a bit better. You don’t want to
immediately shoot your alarm clock like you did on Monday, but you still feeling the bruises and a week-long hangover from your spring break escapades. These are the days to get as much sleep as possible because soon it will be Thursday and what better way to celebrate your SBW than by going out with your friends, right? So says your guilty conscience, which knows you should be studying or sleeping. The weekend arrives and you find yourself fighting the urge to go out while your body is still adjusting to normal, nonspring break life. The best advice I can give is to, at least, give it one day over the weekend for sleep because you know in the back of your mind that sleeping is the one thing that will save you from turning into a zombie. Congratulations, you have successfully survived the first week after spring break! Hopefully, your Spring Break Withdrawal has dissipated and you can continue on with your normal life. Spring break is gone, but your spring break self isn’t, so keep on keepin’ on.
THE POTENTIAL BREAK UP – FROM MY PARENTS Coming to college is a significant part in anyone’s life. It’s a time for people to blossom and finally make that leap away from the nest. In some cases, many of us may have issues with being far from home or being in a new place, but I have come to the realization that I did not have that problem. My parents did, however. More specifically, my mother. As my family dropped me off at college, I already knew that my mom would cry her eyes out when they had to drive away and leave me for good. The funny thing is that I did not shed one tear. As soon as they left, I went about my own business of finding new friends and getting involved in activities. After less than an hour of being on my own, I received a text from my mom asking if I was okay and if I missed them. I simply replied back with a quick yes and sure, because let’s face it, I was okay and I didn’t really miss them. As the days went on, I received different forms of the “I miss
you” or “Do you miss us” text and, quite frankly, I was fed up with it. I always tried to keep it simple by responding with yes, hoping that they would get the hint and back off. Sometimes I just wouldn’t respond, but that didn’t work. That time in the semester when everyone would go home for the weekend rolled around and, of course, my family was ecstatic when I made the trip back to Dallas for the weekend. They showered me with gifts and all my favorite foods. When it was time for me to return to Norman, the tears began to flow again. I knew that I could not keep living this life of feeling constrained by my family. I needed my distance. It felt like I was about to “break up” with my family because they were so needy. I devised a simple, yet efficient plan to slowly make the separation easier for my family. I knew that if I kept them semi-informed of the activities in my life that they would probably back off a bit. I also knew that if I invested in
BROOKLYN HILL Pi Beta Phi
Brooklyn is a sophomore studying broadcast/journalism. Yo u m a y c o n t a c t h e r a t email@example.com.
them once in a while, it would make them feel as if they were receiving special attention from me. And finally, if I actually responded, they would chill out on trying to be in every aspect of my life. The first semester of college is certainly an adjustment, but I was not expecting to take on the role of the dominant one in the relationship with my family. But, with my mastermind ideas, I was able to let them off easy, without them knowing or without hurting anyone’s feelings.
Scene greek life
STUFF SORORITY GIRLS SAY this word so often is that the meaning of literally is “exactly
and in a literal manner or sense.” When using this are girls
Emma is a sophomore studying online journalism. You may contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Kappa Kappa Gamma
Girls across the country and through the decades have accumulated new languages, phrases or words. In the past couple of years, sorority girl language has shown up, not only at OU, but at other schools as well. There are many common phrases and topics sorority girls talk about, especially on our campus.
meaning they truly do not have any money or are they overexaggerating the situation? Nine times out of ten the girls are
situations. Comments like, “I literally have no money,” or “I literally have so much to do” and “You literally have nothing to worry about,” are commonly used. What is funny about using
girl is “dying laughing” so she says, “I’m dying.” Where’s the pizza? Most sorority girls are also known to share their love of food through social media. Whether it is posting a picture of food they made or got at a restaurant, girls are always showing their love for food via Instagram, or
I can’t. This saying is often used when there is a funny
retweeting food accounts on Twitter – especially foods like
or shocking situation. If your sorority sister shows a funny
pizza and cheesy bread. Thanks to Jennifer Lawrence, the
YouTube video, the sorority girl would say something like “Oh
phrase, “Where’s the pizza?!” has gained popularity.
my God, I can’t” or “I literally can’t deal with this.” Another common phrase, “I can’t handle you.” This is when girls are teasing their friends when they are doing something funny or ridiculous. A common question many non-sorority people ask is “You can’t what?”
Literally. This word has taken on a life of its own to describe
In an interview, Jennifer Lawrence retold the story of her trip to Hawaii with her costar, Josh Hutcherson. Before they left for the day, Hutcherson’s mom promised to have pizza waiting for them when they returned. To Lawrence’s horror, pizza was not waiting for them when they got back. She responded by yelling,
I’m dying. This phrase is used for funny situations. In a
“Where’s the pizza?” This exact phrase has been used many
funny video, movie, TV show, etc., if there is a very funny
times with sorority girls, including by me and my friends.
situation girls will say, “I’m dying.” This phrase is used if the
Girls show their “desperate” need of food, like pizza, every day.
ROOKIE MISTAKES LIVING IN THE CHAPTER HOUSE JEFF SCOTT Phi Kappa Psi
Jeff is a junior studying political science. You may contact him at email@example.com.
Everyone hates the dorm life we suffered through freshman year. Living in a dorm is rough with the small beds, sharing a tiny bathroom and the hike up ten flights when the elevators are out of order. There is a glimpse of hope – a room at the chapter house awaits you. The final stretch of spring semester and summer break are the last obstacles between you and your new home in the chapter house. Just like the dorms of freshman year, it will take some time to get used to the frat house and you’ll make plenty of rookie mistakes your first semester living in (I can neither confirm, nor deny, that any actions described below occurred within the confines of my own chapter house). Choosing the right room is important. Some chapters let you select by your order of initiation, while some base it on a point system from the previous year. My personal favorite way is the passing down of a room from big to
little, keeping it within the family. Sometimes people end up regretting the room they end up picking for a number of reasons. Sadly, you might get not get the roommates you wanted. You might have gotten the kid in your pledge class who never seemed to understand what a washing machine is used for. If you’re special enough to have earned a single room, your next-door neighbor might have an annoying taste for hipster techno music or have the alarm clock set for his 8:30 a.m. class. Just don’t be the guy who arrives early to work week and unpacks all his stuff in the wrong room.
know what will happen while you’re away. Who knows, you may find that your walls have been painted pink, there might be a pool filled with goldfish, your fridge could be unplugged and filled with old cheese or your walls could be covered in Katy Perry posters. Make sure you lock your door when your lady friends are over because no one likes an audience, unless you’re into that kind of thing. Hanging with the bros is awesome, most of the time, but you will crave the privacy of your own room when you need it, so don’t lose the key to your mojo dojo.
Hopefully, your Housing Corp. is cool and lets you personalize your room however you choose. Paint the walls, put some nails in the walls for your party lights and ditch the twin-sized dorm bed and upgrade to the king size. A big part of moving into a new place is personalizing your new home. No one can truly feel comfortable in a white walled, concrete, decoration-less prison. Pin up your state and fraternity flags, set up your speakers and flat-screen and, most importantly, screw your pledge and big, little paddles to the wall. Sorority girls are notorious for taking those for souvenirs.
We all make rookie mistakes the first semester we live in at the chapter house. It can be little thing,s like trying to study in the living room on a Thursday night at 2 a.m. or not buying enough Febreeze for when your gal comes over to watch a movie. Don’t put your personal food in the house fridge because someone will, inevitably, get the munchies and it will disappear, even if your badge number is on it. Do your laundry on a Friday morning so you don’t have to wait on everyone else and make sure your brothers know your schedule so you don’t sleep though several alarms on an exhausting finals week. By senior year you will want a place to yourself, so just enjoy the two to three years you live with your brothers because you will make plenty of mistakes that will turn into memories you will laugh at 20 years from now.
Security is definitely important when living in the chapter house. Make sure your housing manager has a spare set of keys for your door because you will lock yourself out, at times. When you leave for the weekend to go home or on a trip, remember to lock that door, because you never
Scene greek life
THE FRAT HALLS ARE FULL
The Pack All done up and ready to go, these girls look beautiful but can’t travel alone. They don’t just hit the bathroom togethe,r like most other srat friend groups, they are stuck like glue all night long. You never see them in groups of less than four and they have one mission at night – fish for compliments and snag free drinks. Around 2 a.m., their complaints of never getting hit on fill the halls. But can you blame the guys for not being able to make it past the friend wall they construct? Ratchet If you see a girl in the hall who sends a shudder down your spine, she falls under this category. Her face make-up is caked on thick and her hairspray is thicker. No matter how many perfumes and sprays she’s applied, when she passes, the underlying smell of, “I don’t shower on a regular basis,” still seems to make its way through. These are the girls who have managed to dance on every table in the house, even if they’re the only ones there. No one knows how they keep getting in, but getting them to leave is next to impossible.
It’s a Thursday night, yet these girls look like they’re headed for a gala in the city. Hair perfectly done, a smokey eye out to kill, dress fancier than any skirt and tank combo there and heels tall enough to make them duck under the doors. Everyone’s a little impressed they even manage to navigate the halls of a frat. While these girls are show stoppers, they are aware of their looks and can be snobby about it. No matter how fancy the dress, as long as their facial expression radiates, “I’m better than you,” these girls will continue to be brushed past. Groupies Get ready, social media, because it’s Thursday again and that means the same group of girls will be posting the same picture in the same room at the same frat to proclaim their undying groupie love. These are the girls who have established somewhat decent friendships with a few guys in a chapter, maybe even had a little bit of further fun with some, and are sure to return every weekend to keep the connection strong. They know how to prepare – hair and makeup done with an outfit that ever so subtly highlights their attributes.
ANNIE ROACH Chi Omega
Annie is a sophomore studying professional writing and international studies. You may contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Ladies of the house These are the girls you see rockin’ the sports bra, sans make-up. And who can blame them? In a steady relationship with the frat stars, those ratchet hoes can glare all they want. This is the girl who is comfortable with the guys in the chapter, the beloved sweetheart and apple of one of the brother’s eyes. They don’t have to dress up or go all out, they keep it real and fun with their personality and disregard for the dress norms of a party night. These are the girls who don’t have to try and are more likely to get to stay for a sleepover than the chicks wobbling around in six inch heels.
SORORITY GIRL STEREOTYPES ABIGALE HIRSEKORN Alpha Phi
Abigale is a freshman studying public relations. You may contact her at email@example.com.
Stereotype, as defined by Google, is a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing. Each person has their own stereotype that they deal with daily. However, the sorority girl stereotype takes the cake. When we think of a sorority, we imagine a hundred girls wearing t-shirts, leggings, Tory Burch flip flops, a strand of pearls around their neck, diamonds in their ears, perfectly manicured nails, flawless hair and let’s not forget the Starbucks cup. You think of a sorority girl and automatically see Elle Woods, The House Bunny or Sorority Girl Sally from Vine. In actuality, these are all, for the most part, true. Every chapter has its Elle Woods, its House Bunny and
even its very own Sally, and each chapter has its own Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe and Jackie Onassis. I admit, even I am a walking stereotype of the sorority image. Yes, I wear my pearls daily and am never seen without my Starbucks. But I love it, it’s just a way of life. We curl our hair daily and probably say, “Oh my God, no, I can’t, shut up!” too much, but if we weren’t around, how would the world go on? The world needs a little bit of everything, including the srat brats. But sorority life does have its own unique problems. For example, a lot of times you don’t really know the real words to songs because you only know the recruitment words. Sometimes you run out of room in your dresser because you have so many t-shirts. You have many feelings about chapter, like hating chapter, hating moving from your bed to go to chapter, never forgetting how much you hated chapter when you’re in a nursing home. You have to take pictures all the time because you might forget what happens. You never know what the outcome of those photos could be. Before you can wear an outfit out, you must first ask for the opinion of three people. Getting dressed is a group
effort, really. The problems go on and on. You always refer to people as your Little or your Big, even when others might not know what that means. What else are you supposed to call her? Jeanie? Nope. You’ve stalked so many Potential New Members that the head of the National Security Agency would hire you in a heartbeat. When you grow up and have to get a job, complaining about the rival companies is way less entertaining than complaining about rival chapters. Having to friend request the babies on Facebook, not because you like them, but because you want to know if they are who you think they are. You don’t hate her because she’s ugly, she’s ugly because you hate her. You can take 200 photos at a party, but only 30 are Facebook friendly. As you can see, the list of problems really does go on and on. You just have to roll with the punches. Who knows, by the time you’re an alumna, you may have conquered all of these issues. But who are we kidding? You’re repping those letters ‘til death do you part.
Scene greek life
FRATERNAL TRADITIONS: FROM ECCENTRIC TO DOWNRIGHT WEIRD LOGAN BANFIELD
Alpha Tau Omega
Logan is a freshman studying journalism. Yo u m a y c o n t a c t h i m a t firstname.lastname@example.org.
It’s no secret that fraternities across the nation value their traditions and rituals, and parties are no exception. Even at OU some of the date-party themes are slightly questionable, to say the least. Delt’s annual date-party, Mekong Delta, is a great example of the eccentric end of the spectrum. For some, a party themed after a bloody, drawn out conflict from the 20th century seems odd and a little bit insensitive. However, the party is a great success and good times are had by all. With the members building a bridge in the courtyard and displaying enough military attire and memorabilia to start a small-scale conflict with rival
fraternities, the party’s preparations can be seen from quite a ways away.
As interesting as this party may sound, the DKE chapter at Vanderbilt may have them beat on the eccentric scale. With DKE’s annual Mt. DKE party, their house is transformed into a mountain scape. By building a giant mountain in front of the house, with several smaller mountains within the house, DKE manages to transport its partygoers to the slopes. Key highlights of the party are its giant 10-foot mountain, its foam pit, neon rivers and a yeti costumed DJ spinning on the ice turntables. This party not only sounds impressive, it also costs a whopping $30,000 to put on each year, making it one of the best parties in the nation, as well as one of the most expensive. On another end of the spectrum, the ATOs from Indiana University and their Menage Tau attempt to heat things up. At this party, the girls wear lingerie and the guys follow suit. Each of the rooms in this party are very dimly lit and a station for body shots is provided. The
GOIN’ STAG EMILEE O’HAIR
Delta Gamma Emilee is a sophomore studying public relations. You may contact her at Emilee.B.Ohairemail@example.com.
As we all know, date parties are some of the most fun events we Greeks attend. However, a lot of planning must go into a date party if you want to make it a memorable one. There’s the outfit construction and the pre and post-date party activities. Most importantly, though, you have to find a date. It can be a little stressful, too. Sometimes the date party slips your mind until a week prior and then you realize that you forgot to ask someone. Instead of scrounging up a date last minute, why not embrace your neverending singleness and go to that date party by yourself? Yeah. I said it. Go to that date party stag like the champ you were born to be. Don’t think it’s socially acceptable to go by yourself? Well get ready to be disproved my,
friends, because that idea is a complete myth. First of all, not having a date means you don’t have to worry about coordinating a costume (which will end up ruined with stains and rips) with your date. All those other couples may look like freaking rockstars in their tulle and glitter, but think about how much time you saved by only making an outfit for yourself! You could start a coin collection, take up knitting and maybe brush up on your long division. The possibilities are endless. For you dateless guys out there, I think you can guess the benefits of going it alone. You’ll be buying beverages for one and only one. You can put that saved money in a trust fund, buy some whey protein, it doesn’t matter. You’ve got a few extra Washingtons in your pocket, so enjoy it. Without another person attached to your hip all night you can pretty much dance like an idiot without regrets. Hey, no date means that you don’t have to lie about your amazing dancing skills. Let your freak flag fly and rave, people. Sure, it might get a little lonely and you might have to take a break to go cry in the corner of the venue, but that can easily be avoided. Keep a lookout for people
pledges of the fraternity are dressed as Chippendales and escort the party guests from their limos into the party. The party also features a champagne fountain for the guests to drink from or to simply splash around in. On average, this party costs around $12,000 to $15,000, according to brobible.com. Having a party where the central theme of the night is in no way attempted to be concealed is gutsy (Menage Tau), but the men of ATO somehow get it done and throw one of the best parties in the nation, annually. Although these three parties may seem completely different, they share a common theme. Fraternities across the nation love their rituals, and they love to incorporate them into their social lives as a whole. Being able to pull off and afford these parties, year in and year out, is an impressive feat especially when you consider how risky some of the themes are. However, the eccentric in all of us loves the wacky and wild themes that these chapters bring to life every year. These parties keep campus social lives exciting, interesting and, most of all, thriving.
going to the bathroom. While they’re gone sneak your way up to their dates and get jiggy with it, for about two and a half minutes until their original date returns. Then, just slip out like Houdini and move on to another temporarily free dance partner. This tactic can be used several times throughout the evening. By going alone, you’re also avoiding the awkward date situation. I think we’ve all been there. You ask someone you don’t really know to be your date. Or your friend sets you up with a date who, “is actually really cute in person,” but you don’t really know him or her very well and things get pretty awkward, pretty fast. Well, guess what? You’ve got no one to be awkward with but yourself and the odds of that are pretty slim. And bonus! Guess who’s not going to standards for getting a little too crazy with their date? That’s right. Solo Sally’s got 99 problems and a date ain’t one. Basically, there’s no need to fret about not having a date to the date party. You can still have the time of your life kicking it proud and alone. And you won’t have to apologize to anyone the next day for any embarrassing behavior that you may have engaged in, but don’t really remember.
Ideas debate & discuss
HOW TO NOT PICK UP A GIRL Seriously guys, do not do it. Yes, we do enjoy
CLARA WILSON Chi Omega
Annie is a sophomore studying professional writing and international studies. You may contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
the casual eye flirt when you look at us, then we look away and vice versa. However, if we make eye contact with you and then pull away, you should consider doing the same. If we look up again and you are still staring and have not blinked, chances are there will be no more chances for you, buddy. 2. Don’t use super cheesy pick up lines
Okay, ladies, it is inevitable that at one point or another in our college experiences, we have all been approached by that guy. You know what I’m talking about. The guy who lurks around you for a little bit longer than necessary, stands a little too close for comfort and, of course, says the cheesiest things while continuously buying you drinks all night long. Yeah, he may be cute and all, but men – you don’t want to be THAT guy. Here are some don’ts that many of you do, and will want to highly consider changing. 1. Don’t Make Eye Contact for over five seconds
girl in the same chapter, chances are we can find out in a matter of seconds or minutes, if we really want to. 4. Don’t be a leech Whether at a fraternity party or a bar on campus corner, nobody likes that guy they can’t get rid of. If we see you in all the same spots we are in, chances are we will either ignore you, give our sister the ‘help me’ look or run away. You are not a scary monster,
The occasional, “I lost my phone number, can I have
so do not make us treat you like one. Be cool. If you
yours?” may be okay. But if you are going to say it,
want to approach us, then say something. If you are
have confidence and own it. Confidence is key, my
into a girl, following her around like predator and
friends. If you want that girl’s number, you have to
prey is not the way to do it.
show her you are worth it with your sureness and
Seriously men, it is not that hard. Be the dignified
great sense of humor. If not, you are better off with
fraternity men you are and treat us like the classy
the formal exchange of names.
women we are. Remember, confidence is key! Stalking
3. Don’t be a sister hopper If you haven’t learned by now, we find out
is not attractive and neither is staring. Don’t be that guy and maybe you can be the guy.
everything. If you are the guy bouncing from girl to
10 WAYS TO BE THE MOST ANNOYING DATE EMILY BRAUN
Alpha Chi Omega
Emily is a freshman studying elementary education. Yo u m a y c o n t a c t h e r a t Emily.A.Braunemail@example.com.
Going on dates can be fun and exciting but also stressful because you want to make the best first impression with the guy or girl that you’ve been crushing on for weeks. I could give you advice for what to do to guarantee that you’ll land a second date, but I think it would be more fun to give you advice on the 10 ways to guarantee you’ll be the most annoying date ever. 1. If you go out to dinner, chew with your mouth open. Everyone loves a good open-mouth chewer. If you want to go the extra mile to really turn your date off, do the classic seafood trick. Ask your date if he or she likes seafood and proceed to show them the chewed up food in your mouth. Seafood a.k.a. see food. 2. Just sit there like a brick wall. Do not, I repeat, do not ask your date anything about themselves and when they
ask you questions give them a one-word response. Here’s what I mean. Date: “Hey, what’s your favorite color?” You: “Pink.” Don’t say anything else. You don’t want to give your date the impression that you are actually interested in getting to know them.
3. Check your phone constantly. Read a text from your friend and proceed to laugh and not let your date know what is so funny. That’ll really make your date feel comfortable. Also, make a phone call to your friend to tell her how bad the date is going, but don’t bother leaving the table. Let your date hear the whole conversation. 4. Everyone loves movie commentators during a movie. If you go to a movie for your first date, comment on everything that is happening. Even better, if you’ve already seen the movie tell your date everything that is about to happen. 5. Who actually likes being a lady or a gentleman? I say throw all of that out the window on the first date and suggest a burping contest. If you’re the lady in this situation, you have to win the burping contest. You just have to. 6. Show up wasted.
7. Who doesn’t love hearing about how much money somebody has? Oh, you drive a Range Rover and Mommy and Daddy are paying for you to take me out on this date? That is so impressive. Tell me more. 8. Bring up your past relationships. I love it when my men come with baggage. Tell your date all about your bad exes. 9. Be rude to the wait staff. Seriously, complain to your date about how bad the food and service is the whole time. End it by leaving a bad tip or none at all. 10. Girls, tell your date about your Pinterest wedding board. Most of us have wedding boards on Pinterest and we know how many kids we want in the future. So, tell your date all about it and show it to him. Tell how him how great he would look in a tux standing next to you on your wedding day. Also, don’t forget to mention the names you have picked out for your future children. If you get a second date, then props to you because that person must really like you. I am almost positive, though, that if you take my advice you won’t ever get a second date. But, hey, at least you would be memorable.
POLITICAL QUOTES SO FUNNY THEY’RE SCARY HUNTER MATTOCKS Pi Kappa Phi
Hunter is a freshman studying p o litica l s cie n ce & pub lic relations. You may contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
As Americans, I am sure that we have all been exposed to some great entertainment at the expense of our politicians. The media circus and crazed state of United States politics makes for an almost loathsomely comical view of American society. These are prime examples. I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. Mitt Romney, Januar y 2012
The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them. Rush Limbaugh
I hope that’s not where we’re going, but you know if this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying, my goodness, what can we do to turn this country around? I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out. Sharron Angle, Tea Party candidate Isn’t it a little racist to call it Black Friday? Joy Behar If we want to keep our reproductive rights, we must be willing to tell our stories, to be willing and able to say, “I love my life, but I wish my mother had aborted me.”
No, no. I have been practicing… I bowled a 129. It’s like – it was like Special Olympics, or something. Barack Obama We’re not going to give up on destroying the health care system for the American people. Rep. Paul Ryan Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many Ob-Gyns aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country. George Bush God Bless America. Without our penchant for electing less than eloquent individuals and our desire to watch punditry, instead of news, we would lead a much less comical life.
BRANSON, MISSOURI: REDNECK DISNEY WORLD EMILY IRVIN Kappa Alpha Theta
Emily is a junior studying professional writing. You may contact her at email@example.com.
Branson, Missouri is a Las Vegas for vagabonds and a Disney World for white trash. It’s the kind of place that specializes in comfort food, magic shows and Bass Pro shops. Instead of hitting the beach, backpacking through Europe or any other variation of a classy summer getaway, why not road trip to Branson? Last year when, I road tripped there with some friends, the magic of Branson reached us before we even set foot in any of its attractions. My party and I rolled into the hillbilly vacation paradise late in the afternoon with no agenda in mind. We first went to Wal-Mart to acquire some Branson swag. We scoured the racks looking for ugly Branson shirts. Sarah (the lion of our pack) found a red gem with an embroidered eagle. Anna (the brilliant ginger) and Kayla (the mom) found matching tie-dye shirts. I saw it hanging
like a religious tapestry. When I pulled it of its altar, the envy was immediately apparent in the eyes of my friends. Different shades of blue and purple collided in a chaotic swirl with no rhyme or reason. Pure white block letters shouted BRANSON across the front. It reminded me of innocence and smelled like American virtues. Afterwards, we drove aimlessly when we saw a tower reaching towards the sky like some great patriarch of the forest. Neon signs shouted ZIP LINE ADVENTURE. We swung into the parking lot on a simple whim with only shrugs of consent ‘round the car. After zip lining, we pulled into a Super Chinese Buffet, too hungry to fear the inevitable repercussions. Two tables down from us, a man dining alone had created a tower of watermelon wedges on his plate. He ate them slowly and deliberately. We were only slightly disturbed and mostly impressed.
To entertain your frail grandparents, it has antique vendors, live folk concerts, magic shows that will spike the heart rate just enough without sending them into cardiac arrest and middle-aged men dressed as gypsies peddling their wares of strawberry preserves and apple sorghum. These spreads remind them of delicacies they only enjoyed on special occasions during the Great Depression. For simple toddlers, there are large oaks to marvel at, crafts to dirty their hands in and a variety of kiddie rides that won’t send their homemade carnival salsa flying through the park. And for everyone in between, with fully developed and able cognition, the rest of the park is yours with thrilling rides, cave tours and hikes, artery clogging funnel cakes and face-sized cookies.
After eating, another aimless drive carried us to a wax museum on the Branson strip. We hung out with the Three Stooges, joined the Fellowship of the Ring and married Johnny Depp.
Honestly, this day at the park was a blur of riding roller coasters, being soaked by log rides and eating saturated fat. The only prominent detail that sticks out in my mind were the number of men who looked like Santa impersonators. We named them Santa agents and were wary of their grizzled beards and crooked ways.
The next day was devoted to Silver Dollar City, arguably Branson’s prime attraction. This is because it appeals to the widest demographic out of any amusement park in the history of the world.
We set course for home that evening, feeling a little more whimsical than before we started our journey. Branson embraced us with its cheap thrills and Chinese buffets and we will never be the same.
10 THE SECRET SOCIETY OF THE OFFICIAL OU PARKOUR CLUB Self health & fitness
possible.” Founded by David Belle, parkour tests one’s endurance, strength and flexibility. The popularity of parkour began to increase in the late 1990s after David’s brother sent pictures and video to a French TV program. David Belle and his group were featured in many TV programs after that and as their popularity increased the group split up and started pursuing different ventures. “The OU parkour has been around since 2010,” says Chan Schoerke, the group’s social organizer, “but we decided to make the club more student accessible this year”.
Late at night you can see them running and standing on top of campus buildings. Who are these late night shadows? None other than OU’s own Secret Society of the official OU Parkour Club. Founded in 2010 by Parker Davison, nicknamed Phoenix, after she watched a J-LO music video that featured parkourers, she fell in love with the “athletic art” and sought to start a parkour club at OU for only the most devoted fans. “The art of parkour is simple,” says Davison. “Practitioners aim to get from A to B in the most efficient way possible using only their bodies and their surroundings to propel themselves forward and maintain as much momentum as
The club changes location every time. They meet up on a randomly selected night of the month and start their activities. The club starts with a group stretch that lasts about 20 minutes, and then they start their official club game, Follow the Leader. The game is simple. The leader has a five minute head start to choose a hiding location, the rest of the group is quick to follow suit and find the leader, all communicating via cellphone. Once the leader is found it is up to the rest of the club to catch the leader, and then the game ends. One member who goes by the nickname, Snitch, after the golden snitch in the Harry Potter series, currently holds the record for Follow the Leader since she has yet to be caught. “The parkour club games are super intense and fun,”
HOW TO BE SWOLDIER ERIC PARSONS Lambda Chi Alpha
Eric is a junior studying chemical biosciences. You may contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
to get gains. If you’re not mixing protein with your beer on Thursday nights, you’re freaking small. Mix as much of that GNC powder into your daily meals as possible. Sprinkle some post on your mac and cheese, pour protein into your Dr. Pepper or toss some casein on that Chick-Fil-A. When getting your protein, flavor matters. What’s that? You got strawberry banana flavor? Do you even lift, bro? The only acceptable flavors of protein are chocolate, vanilla and chocolate.
When it comes to the gym your average lifter is concerned with one thing: gains. If you’re really looking to achieve those next level gains, there are a variety of things you can do to boost your bulking cycle.
When it comes to food, you need to be eating at least 10,000 calories a day otherwise your gains are gonna suffer. An easy way to do this is to throw entire meals in the blender and drink ‘em. Once you get past the taste, texture and thickness of a steak and mashed potato smoothie, it’s actually pretty good.
First, never carry a water bottle in the gym. If you do, it eliminates your need to go to the water fountain and show off those sick triceptuals you’ve been working out. Make sure to shoulder out any weaklings in your way. If there are any girls between you and the fountain, make sure you pause to get in a good flex session in the mirror and show off your sick pump.
Everyone knows that when you’re working out the proper order of lifts is chest day, bi day, shoulder day and then rinse and repeat. Only do leg day if every other machine in the gym is taken. If you really want a swole-in-one, you’ll ignore that lower body crap and go straight bi’s and chest.
Next, rock those supplements, bro! If you’re not cutting your eggs in the morning with pre-workout, you’re not really trying
Personally, I think the Huff is wasting our tuition money because, for some reason, they have dumbbells lighter than 40 pounds. Forties are for curling. Anything less than that is like,
LINDSEY SCOTT Alpha Delta Gamma
Lindsey is a sophomore studying journalism. You may contact her at email@example.com..
says one of the newest members who wished to remain anonymous. “We have a set playlist each month of high energy music and all listen to it while we play our games.” The club switches each month to an off campus location and then returns to playing on campus the following month. If you wish to participate in their festivities this month, they will be meeting on campus, but the date and place are still undecided. The group is voting on whether to start an official Twitter page at their next founders’ meeting, which is also unknown. So, the point is, we know nothing. *By the way, this club/secret society does not actually exist, sorry if I got your hopes up* Photo Credit: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/ headlines/2013/04/today-in-pictures-april-1-2013fashion-pain-sheep-and-pride/
a doorstop. I don’t know. If you are trying to get good gains and are sitting there curling the 20s, just get out. If you weigh 150 pounds or more you should be able to curl at least a 50 in each hand. That’s the statistic. It’s science. If you’re sitting in a squat rack trying to get some curls, you’re wrong. That’s like going to an NBA game and bringing a soccer ball. There’s only one thing you do in the squat racks and that’s squats. If the squat rack were meant for curls it would be called “literally anywhere else in the gym.” If you throw a plate, then three tens and a five on a bar, you look stupid. How do you expect to get a pump when your weights looking like some Kimbo Slice starter kit? I mean, bro, do you even add? It’s been scientifically proven you get a better pump off of 225 lbs. with four 45s and the bar, than 18 tens and the bar. The first one’s also heavier. These are just a few tips to get that monster swole that you’re looking for. Follow these simple steps and, in weeks, you’ll go from little and weak to a real muscle freak. One final tip: If you don’t scream as loud as you can mid-set, are you really even working? Think about it!
TREVOR KNIGHT SWITCHES TO BASEBALL JENNIFER NYGREN Alpha Phi
Jennifer is a sophomore studying journalism. You may contact her at jennifer.n.nygren-1@ ou.edu. In light of Heisman-winning quarterback and BCS National Champion, Jameis Winston, playing baseball in the spring for Florida State University, Trevor Knight plans to follow a similar path. This idea first occurred to Knight after watching the BCS National Championship and seeing Winston’s electrifying comeback as he led the Seminoles to victory. One sport just was not enough for Winston. One can assume that Knight must have seen similarities between himself and Winston, as they were both underdogs who defeated SEC powerhouses. Knight has never played baseball, but prior to the season he had never stepped on a football field. Few know that Bob Stoops actually discovered Trevor Knight, not on a football team but a bowling squad.
This happened while Stoops was on vacation in San Antonio, Tex. and decided to play a round of bowling with his family at a local establishment. Fate would have it that Trevor Knight was there with his under-19 recreational bowling league. Stoops casually observed Knight’s bowling skills and could see how well they would translate to the football field. Although some were skeptical when it was announced that Trevor Knight would be the starting quarterback over Blake Bell, Stoops never doubted the connection between bowling and football. Now, the skeptics are questioning whether Knight has what it takes to play baseball with the reigning Big 12 Champions this season. Especially since baseball season is well under way and the Sooners have already been playing games for the past two months. For the most part, all those skeptics probably said that Trevor Knight shouldn’t start over Blake Bell. Or that Trevor Knight and the Sooners could never defeat Alabama. Maybe it’s time for the skeptics to believe in a little Sooner magic. Interestingly enough, the news of Trevor Knight’s baseball career came out just after he was confirmed to be a witness of the Starbucks scuffle between OU
alum, Blake Griffin, and falling star, Justin Bieber. Knight also confirmed that the reason he and Griffin were both at Starbucks that day was to talk about a future career in basketball for Knight. After the altercation, Knight took the fight as a bad omen and decided to look into other sports as possibilities. This led to Knight studying other quarterbacks, such as Winston, and even Super Bowl Champion quarterback, Russell Wilson, who will attend Texas Ranger spring training. All of this led to Knight’s decision to play dual sports in college. While Knight’s sports choices are gaining publicity, he is getting even more attention from one of his side hobbies. During the Oscars this year, Knight volunteered to be an assistant photographer during the show. Bradley Cooper was having a hard time balancing the camera so Knight assisted him in taking the photograph. Photography was a one-time gig for Knight as he will now be too busy with baseball and football. There is no word on whether Knight will participate in the spring game or the baseball rivalry game against Texas, since both events happen on the same day.
LETTER TO THE TEXANS: WHY YOU SHOULD DRAFT JOHNNY FOOTBALL NATE FAIN Alpha Tau Omega
Nate is a freshman studying journalism. Yo u m a y c o n t a c t h i m a t firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Houston Texans, After an abysmal 2-14 season with quarterback play that sparked flashbacks to the David Carr era, your organization is now on the clock for the first pick of the 2014 NFL draft. This enigmatic season followed two consecutive playoff births, and has left football fans across the nation wondering how a team with such talent could underachieve so much? Like most NFL teams, your recent struggles stem from subpar quarterbacking. That leads me to the first pick of the draft. As the day of your selection nears, it becomes more and more evident that your new coach, Bill O’Brien, wants to select Central Florida’s Blake Bortles to replace former lame duck QB Matt Schaub. I understand O’Brien has his system and
I respect that, but you have the rare chance to bring one of the sports world’s most transcendent athletes. Of course, I’m talking about Johnny “Football” Manziel. Obviously the name itself draws more red flags than that one FX show with Keri Russell (the one about the communists. Ha ha, get it?). However, I suggest you try to turn a blind eye to his shortcomings and missteps. Forget about his hangovers at the Manning Passing Camp; forget about the pictures with Jimmy Tatro; forget about how tall he is or how big his hands are; and forget about the autographs he did or did not sign. When it comes right down to it, Johnny Manziel will make you a better franchise the second he shakes Roger Goodell’s hand. I’m not saying he’ll win less or more games than Bortles. I don’t think even Mel Kiper, Jr. could predict the answer to that question. I am saying that Manziel can impact the Texans’ brand in ways Bortles never could. You should keep in mind that there are two different ways to measure the success of an NFL franchise. The first is obviously on-field success, and it is definitely the most important aspect of a successful NFL franchise. The second is profitability, which is often overlooked. Take the Cowboys, for example. They are the NFL’s
most valuable franchise, yet every year they break the hearts of millions (mine included) by putting forth a lackluster 8-8 record that always keeps them one game away from the post-season tournament. And even when the Stars (no pun intended) align they get booted (again, not a pun) out of the playoffs in the first round. But, when I turn on ESPN they can’t stop talking “‘bout dem Cowboys!” I guess when you have personalities like Tony Romo, Dez Bryant and Jerry Jones, it is impossible to be irrelevant. This relevancy is exactly what you get with Manziel. So, you’re on the clock Houston, and your choices are simple. You can take the 6’4 powerhouse who struggled to score against SMU and runs as fast as AJ McCaron, or you could chose all 5’11 and three- quarters of the keg-standing, Heisman winning, Alabama beating, lineman hurdling, autograph signing Johnny Football. The way I see it, there is no telling who will end up the better of the two, but it is more than clear who will make your Super Bowl-less franchise better.
FIVE REASONS FANNY PACKS HAVE SEX APPEAL This one goes out to all my fellow fanny pack lovers out there just tryin’ to catch a break from all the haters. Have no fear. I’m here to tell the rest of campus why we are so dang sexy in our fanny packs and the bodyshaping miracles of a fanny pack for all body types. And for all you fanny haters out there, you’re missing out on some serious babes without one of these bad boys strapped to your waist. Here are the reasons you’ve always wondered why anyone who wears a fanny pack is a stone cold fox. 1. They define your natural waist. With the right placement and tightness, your fanny pack will highlight the small of your waist or help create an hourglass illusion if you have a boyish frame, or you have curves in the wrong places. Fanny packs are the definition of flattering. 2. They help your posture. Not only do fannys define your waist, they are also a great reminder to engage your core throughout the day. Keeping your tummy tucked makes it hard to slouch and will also help pull your shoulders back making you appear confident and, of course, sexy.
3. They hide beer bellies. When you are wearing your beloved fanny on the beach and don’t feel like showing everyone your pooch after one too many, you don’t have to worry because your fanny pack will be there blocking your beer belly in a discrete way so that you still look fabulous! 4. They do wonders for your backside. Wearing your fanny backwards with the pack in the back naturally draws the eye to your own fanny. That’s why fanny pack wearers seem so little in the middle, but like they’ve got much back. So, if you’re looking for a nonchalant way to highlight your gluteus maximus, a backwards fanny pack is always makes you bootylicious. 5. They make a big fashion statement. Since some people think wearing a fanny pack is social suicide, it takes confidence to wear one of these gems out in public, these days. But by doing so, it shows you’re not afraid to take a risk and you don’t care what others think about you. What isn’t sexy about that?
GRACE ANNE MARCUM Delta Gamma
Grace is a freshman studying public relations. You may contact her at email@example.com.
So now you know why fanny packs have so much sex appeal regardless of their overall popularity in the fashion world. Despite the mixed feelings about fanny packs, I’m proud to say I’ve seen many students looking sexy wearing their fanny packs. Emily Alderson agrees that she is sexy in her fanny pack. She said, “It makes me sexy because when I wear it to the back it accentuates the junk in my trunk” I hope one day soon you, too, will bring out your own fanny pack and show everyone just how fabulously sexy you are!
WHAT MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY TAUGHT ME ALEXANDRA BARE Delta Delta Delta
Alexandra is a senior studying professional writing. You may contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The “I’m a 90s kid” thing is getting old. Regardless, this article is dedicated to the girls of the 90s. Our favorite twins taught us everything we needed to know about life, boys and fashion. We first met the Olsen twins on Full House. Who was your favorite Tanner daughter? Michelle? “You got it dude!” Full House. This show was full of so many emotions. It would be impossible to limit the lessons I learned from the Tanners to 500 words. But, I’ll do my best. I learned from Uncle Jessie that it’s okay to cry, especially when your Papouli dies. Don’t forget the lesson when Michelle thought it was okay to seek revenge for her stolen bike by stealing another bike. She taught me how to deal with bullies, especially when your parents
aren’t around. “My dad said if I don’t have anything nice to say then I should say anything at all. But my dad’s not here and you’re a weenie!” It Takes Two. It is totally plausible that you might meet your identical twin someday. I also learned that Sloppy Joes are way better than escargot. “All this money and these people eat slugs?” Also, that I never want to be adopted by anyone named Butkis. You’re Invited. If there was any kind of party you can imagine, MK and A invited you to it. This video series was like a personal invitation to one of the Olsen’s parties and I was all about it. “The party’s about to start, you’re invited! If it’s up to me, you’ll RSVP!” Thank goodness they wore different colored headbands and hats so I could tell them apart. Billboard Dad. What do you do when you can’t find the whisk? Pour your eggs into a Ziploc bag and shake until they’re ready to scramble. It’s also totally fine to have a crush on your swim coach, as long you don’t call him, Bod instead of Brad. Our Lips Are Sealed. This tells you how to get out of
your witness protection location if you wind up in an Amish community. The steps to become an Aussie: speak the lingo; eat the local grub; catch a wave; use your head. Holiday in the Sun. How do I talk my parents into taking me to Atlantis? This Weezer song is awesome. Megan Fox is biznatch. Griffin is a small version of Julian from One Tree Hill. I can’t wait to go to a teen club. Getting There. If your guy friend wants to be more than friends, tell him you’re in the gray area. And if he thinks gray is too blah, tell him you’re in the charcoal area, instead. Because charcoal is cool. If it’s been awhile since you’ve watched Mary-Kate and Ashley, it’s time you take a drive down memory lane. I stayed up for hours watching their movies on Youtube while writing this. It was the best throwback I’ve had in a while. While you’re at it, bust out your old Mary-Kate and Ashley makeup products. I still have mine, glitter and all.
500 words on food
THE ART OF PING PONG ALAN XING
Kappa Kappa Gamma Alan is a sophomore studying journalism. You may contact her at blank.edu.
Table tennis or, as the uncivilized call it – ping pong, is a sport of beauty and elegance. It truly is a gentleman’s sport. However, many people do not even begin to understand the greatest invention in history. I may be biased because the sport flowed through the veins of my ancestors. You may not know me, but I assure you that I am overly qualified to explain the essence of ping pong. You may also know me by my other name, the Dragon of Delta Street, not to be confused with my friend Leo, who is the Wolf of Wall Street. The paddle is an essential part of the sport. First, there is what’s called the blade, which is made of wood. Then, you have to choose what kind of rubber you want to put on your wood. There are so many different kinds of
rubber. My favorites are called the Big Slam, Magic Pips and Screw Soft. A good paddle is vital to ping pong, but they are often fragile. It is so important, I wrap mine in plastic after I use it. I often even refer to it as the family jewel. A ping pong match often begins with the ritual of “pinging” the ball where the ball is hit back and forth, spelling a letter of “ping” for each hit. This determines who will pitch and who will catch at the beginning of a match. Matches are very stimulating, as each player uses their whole mind and body to dominate the other. It stirs something deep inside of you as you feast your eyes on the intense, burning passion of two individuals smacking balls into each other’s court. Amateurs often don’t understand why people sweat during ping pong, but professionals put their whole body into it and always leave the table wet and sweaty. Each point is so stressful that the release of tension after finishing each exchange is indescribably amazing. For example, sometimes the ball nips just the tip of the net and barely goes into the opponent’s court. These balls are hard to finish because they are barely in the court and players can’t do much with them.
There are also different styles in ping pong. Some players are very aggressive and just slam balls over and over, not caring if it goes in or not. Others are more submissive and let the opponent dictate where balls will go, but these types always get it in and don’t just smash it at every opportunity. There is also topspin, which makes balls go down onto the table faster. I prefer underspin, which penetrates deep into the opponent’s court. They can’t do much with a ball that penetrates so deeply except limply hit it back where I’m just waiting to finish it. As you can see, ping pong is such a wild sport. Even watching it kindles your inner fire. It makes you feel as if you are in it with them. But, if you get bored as easily as I do, you can try playing with different objects. It really spices things up on the court. I recently started playing with a 2 x 4 plank of wood and it was surprisingly hard and firm and loads of fun to play with. I hope this description fully captures the raw beauty and nature of ping pong. I long for the day when everyone truly appreciates the art of ping pong. And don’t underestimate Asians, because they are masters of ping pong.
CUTIE ART: MADE BY CUTIES, FOR CUTIES, WITH CUTIES COLLIER HAMMONS Alpha Tau Omega
Collier is a freshman studying health exercise science. You may contact him at email@example.com. “When I first started making Cutie art, I never really thought it would blow up.” said Morgan Ederer as he casually stirred his coffee. “It’s always been a passion of mine, but I thought it was niche. Maybe even a little cliche,” he said as he stared at the oranges sitting on his desk. I have been roommates with Ederer for almost eight months and never once have I doubted his artistic talents with the very popular “Cutie” Orange. His talents range anywhere from painting with the small orange, to carving little orange figurines in dynamic poses. The concept is a little strange, I know, but with the title of this article, how could you ever doubt its existence? I won’t lie, I dabble in the delicacy that is Cutie artwork. I cannot claim the technique or artistry that Ederer displays, but I know that Cutie artwork comes from the soul, not from the hands. That’s why, whenever I finish one of my masterpieces, I
know that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. For example, Josh Gorney, a friend and fellow Cutie connoisseur, is always absolutely taken aback by Ederer and my creations. “Sometimes when I look into the lines, the curves, the feelings of the Cutie art, I literally cry,” Gorney said as he wiped his tears away and smiled. “It’s never been about the visual representation, it’s about the visual connotation,” said Gorney as he took me through his dojo and showed me his extensive collection of Cutie sculptures and paintings. “I have collected over 5,000 individual pieces from different artists around the world, including pieces from such well known artists as: Vincent Van OJ, Michael Tangelo, PicassOrange.” As I gazed through his collection I couldn’t help but feel the strife and pain radiating from some of the pieces. As any real Cutie fan knows, Cutie art is typically made to represent very serious themes and topics ranging from childhood to obesity to nuclear warfare. If it’s serious, someone has probably made a Cutie piece to cover or at least give their position on the topic. Starting with the ancient Mayans, and then carrying through generations of Mexicans all the way to its immigration into the United States, Cutie art has been reshaped time and time again. The only uniformity in the
technique is that all Cutie art is made with Cutie oranges and reflects your emotions over something tragic and heartbreaking. I think the dark nature of Cutie art is actually very reflective of its popularity among monks and very unapproachable hipsters. You can see evidence of Cutie popularity in the media on things like Cutiebook, Cutwitter or even CuteTube. Cuties weren’t always for expressing depressed emotions. They actually trace back into the heart of Mexico. You can connect Cutie art’s dark origins to the Mayan art of sacrifice. Traditionally, you had to offer Cutie dolls right before cutting out a heart for sacrifice. Mayans would often carve their Cutie dolls in the image of whoever was being sacrificed as a sign of remorse or praise for their death. I hope your eyes have been opened and that your heart has skipped a beat. Cuties are here to stay – in our homes, our schools, our government and our lives. Cuties are swimming in the ocean, flying on planes and driving your kids to school. If you want to get involved with stopping Cutie segregation, please contact your local Cutie Coalition sponsor soon. Only we can stop the selling and destruction of these beautiful oranges today, so that every Cutie in the world has something for tomorrow.
TALES FROM THE LIQUOR STORE: DRUNKARDS AND GREENHORNS talkative, super personable, super cool.
Sigma Alpha Epsilon Clay is a senior studying sociology. You may contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Howdy playas, enjoying your Odyssey read? Hey, me too! But here’s where your enjoyable experience ends. Here’s where the lightning hits the tree. Here’s where the booze hits the stomach and then, shortly after, the vomit hits the pavement. Welcome to edition two of Tales From The Liquor Store. I hope you guys appreciate the countless hours I spent editing that photo above. We enter our story today in the earlier months of my booze-selling career. I’m just a greenhorn, a wee baby in the liquor business. You’d expect me to be nervous and timid, y’know, first day on the job type stuff. But no, ya’boy has decided to be a little over the top. Super
So, there I am, first day on the job and I get my very first customer. He kind of looks like a used car salesman, his poor-fitting business shirt is soaked through with sweat so I’m assuming this guy works outside. He walks up to the counter and orders the ol’ Monday Morning Special, a pint of super strong and super cheap vodka. This, I would later discover, is a telltale sign of an alcoholic. But like I said earlier, my feet hadn’t tested the liquor store waters just yet. He drops words of wisdom like, “The problem with the world is that no one’s as drunk as I am!” Deep. So deep. After a thrilling intellectual exchange, the guy heads out back into the sweltering heat that is an Oklahoma summer day to sell the hell out of an ’04 Dodge Strattus. I go on with my day, smangin’ my usual tang then, out of the blue, my new favorite customer is back, sweatier and drunker than ever. He must’ve sealed the deal on that Strattus, because this guy is on top of the world. He does a little hop-step into the store and yells, “I’m back!” Yes, he definitely was. He makes straight for the pints and demands another pint of the finest stuff on earth, bad vodka. I obliged him. This is about
where I should’ve picked up on the whole, this guy is drunk thing. But, super cool Clay thinks this guy is just friendly. Smart. He returns to work and I return to learning the ropes. About 10 minutes go by and, you guessed it, he comes back, but this time he’s feeling groovy. This is where things become vile. He starts talking to me about how he hates his job, but not just talking like a normal and sober person would. He’s whispering to me, all up in my grill, and that’s when I got flattened by the stench of vodka vomit. That’s also when I noticed the puke on his shirt. So there I am, sitting there with a puke-stinking drunk inches away from my oh-so-beautiful face, when my boss comes in to save the day. This woman is not one to be trifled with and she immediately tears this guy to shreds. She starts tossing out better insults than I ever could and pretty much chest-bumps the guy out of the store. She’s the man. She comes back in and asks me to make sure the guy doesn’t come back. So I walk out the door to tell this guy to leave and he asks me for a favor. “A huge favor,” he says. “You mind if I pee on the side of the store? I gotta go man.” I reply coolly, “Yeah man, you do gotta go,” and sent that guy on his way.
“HA-HA-HA, HO-HO-HO, AND A COUPLE OF TRA-LA-LAS” NICK CALLAWAY
Sigma Alpha Epsilon Nick is a junior studying journalism. You may contact him at email@example.com.
In a world of over seven billion people, with nearly 7,000 distinct languages, there is only one thing that truly unites everyone: laughter. This involuntary phenomenon happens to every single person on the planet and represents the same emotion in every culture. There are so many strange dynamics involved with laughter that make it one of my favorite human behaviors, so rather than force my odd sense of humor on you, let’s just take a look at why we laugh at all. It will save me the time of coming up with jokes and will also make the other articles seem funnier. Anthropologists believe that laughter has existed since the earliest primates roamed the earth. It was originally used as a release of stress for early humans who lived in a much scarier time (with saber-tooth tigers), and occurred involuntarily after fight-or-flight situations. For strict creationists, laughter first occurred when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit and realized they had, indeed, been running around naked in a garden together. So why do we laugh? The first thing to understand is that laughter is most always a social interaction. It usually occurs
around people we know and trust and is an expression of our relaxed state as well as our desire to conform. When the brain registers humor, it pressures both a physical and vocal response that sends us into our respective laughs. There are three primary types of humor that force us to laugh – incongruity, superiority and relief. The incongruity theory deals with the humor in things that aren’t exactly normal. When things don’t turn out the way we are anticipating in a joke or story, we become thrown off and this mixture of emotions causes us to laugh. Humor in superiority is what I find to be the funniest and has accounted for most of my everyday laughs over the years. The superiority theory states that humans naturally find humor in the mistakes, stupidity and misfortune of others – and you really can’t deny it. There are too many hilariously unfortunate situations surrounding us to not use them as fuel for laughter and everybody is the butt of a joke at some point. Comic relief is a humor technique used mostly in stressful or action-packed films. When the viewer is at the peak of an intense moment, something humorous will occur that brings the audience stress level down. This quick shift in emotion has a strong effect on the brain that releases laughter. Regardless of what humor has the greatest effect on you, the strongest trigger for laughter is simply to witness others laughing. Just like everyone has his or her own sense of humor, a laugh portrays a large sense of one’s identity. There are endless versions of the laugh; some are funnier than others. In my 21 years, I’ve heard wailers, howlers, gaspers, snorters (my mom) and grunters. There are the some who
just open their mouth in silence and bob their head, others who fall on the floor laughing and even a select few that pee themselves. The thing about great laughter is that once it starts, it doesn’t stop. It’s not a common occurrence, but there is nothing more rewarding than a hard laugh that leaves you clutching your abs and wiping tears from your eyes. If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably been scolded at one time or another for laughing at an inappropriate time. Growing up, adults were always telling us when we could and couldn’t joke around and treated laughter as a crime, in some situations. The reality is, laughing is one of the healthiest activities one can engage in. For starters, laughter releases endorphins into the brain that cause us to experience great pleasure, making us happier people. At the same time, laughter reduces stress hormones, which succeeds in lowering our blood pressure and catalyzing the production of cells that fight off viruses and tumors. Depending on the degree of your laugh, you could even be experiencing a full body workout. When you laugh, you are working muscles in your face, neck, arms, legs, back and abdominals. Scientists say that laughing 100 times is the equivalent of spending 15 minutes on an exercise bike. Laughter can also result in coughs or hiccups that clear the throat and lungs of built up mucus. Laughter can be one of the most rewarding human experiences and we would be in a much colder world without it. Find whatever it is that makes you laugh – it could be friends, comedians, your favorite TV show, going to Wal-Mart – and treat it like medicine. God gave us the gift of humor for a reason.
Netflix wins everytime.”
@AlexisGaddis “My car got towed & I paid over $500 in parking tickets/towing fees today so that’s my life” @kris_palilla “My professor wore chacos to class. Safe to say he is my favorite.”
@AllieTBauer “If you were a fruit you’d be fineapple” @Jnoizemaker “To the guy pulling his roller backpack across campus…..no. #sodone”
@macyjanet “So skip class tomorrow and tan?”
@missvii94 “Driving around Oklahoma City with one contact #yolo #yoloteenstrikesagain #livefastdieyoung”
@NateJ24OU “Odd, nothing has changed on social media since I checked 45 seconds ago #ChemProbz”
@LindseyGroth “Yaknow I just want cute stationery to print on. That’s all. That’s. All.”
@sn0rkelmccorkle “You know you’re pasty white when you get sunburnt after just driving around with the windows down for 20 minutes… #whitepeopleprobs”
@itsErickPayne “If I don’t make it to study hours it’s probably because the wind blew me away or because I’m stuck walking behind a herd of sorority girls.”
@emokelley “Never trust a blinker on Lindsey”
@EmilyDunford “I don’t even attempt to dress cute for school anymore #pointless”
@ktheiz13 “Only thing that can ease the post spring break depression is knowing the month of April is almost here. Date parties on date parties #greek” @Lauren_Cooper17 “Someone got a g-wagon for their birthday and I got like a hug and twenty dollars” @ssmeow3 “Mentally incapable of logging into D2L” @NetflixLife “Do I have homework? Yes. Do I have Netflix? Yes.
@shangoodie “plan on telling my doctor my stitches were from a shark attack this morning” @EkeneEzz “At this point I’m not sure if I’m getting my degree from OU or Khan Academy” @ZacMabry “If you didn’t like/favorite my post/pic/ tweet but you tell me in person that you saw it, all I hear you saying is “I hate you.””
probs in this group and I’m like oh hey, I bought a sweater yesterday...” @clmgiudici “Chapstick addiction is real. Napoleon Dynamite and I suffer severely.” @MaddyHaer “There’s a spider in my bed. Commence fetal position for the rest of my life.” @ChancyDuncan “Just deleted pics from my phone.. Semitraumatizing” @medorasmith “I hear it’s really really beneficial to wear a full face of make up at the gym” @hannahkirk14 “I think I’ll get an award at the end of the year for most maintenance requests submitted #feminine”
AIMEE SCHNEBECK Delta Gamma
Aimee is a freshman studying broadcast journalism. You may contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
@Paulinapie “Lol everyone’s talking about their boy
THE TEN MOST ANNOYING TYPES OF PEOPLE IN CLASS TREVOR GROSE
Sigma Alpha Epsilon Clay is a senior studying sociology. You may contact him at email@example.com. So, I was brainstorming with some of my friends, and we came up with a pretty good list of those people in the classroom that get on everybody’s nerves. This list is mostly students, but we realized that some of the most annoying people were teachers, so we threw them in there too. 10. The Kid That Eats in Class The kid that always brings in a huge bag of chips when you’re always super hungry and eats the whole thing in front of you… and doesn’t share. 9. The Teacher’s Pet It’s almost painful to watch this kid try to suck up to the teacher without realising that it won’t boost his GPA. 8. The Teacher That Answers Their Own Questions
Every question asked by this teacher is rhetorical. They don’t expect you to answer. They just talk the entire class time and make it seem like it’s dragging on forever.
that this one is always picked, and they have never gotten a single answer right. Every time they open their mouth, I get a little dumber.
7. The Kid Who Sleeps In Class
3. The Guy Who Shows Up Drunk to Class
None of us get enough sleep. We’re in college. What makes this person think that it’s alright that the classroom is a new bedroom? They took naptime out of the curriculum after 4th grade. Get over it.
Just imagine how annoying drunk people are, and then put them in a classroom. The party ended hours ago for everyone else, but it didn’t end for this bro until he realized he had to go to class. Hopefully he’ll keep his head down as he stumbles to his desk.
6. The Student Who Complains About How Hard a Class is… But Has the Best Grades
2. The Student Who Never Quite Left High School
Me: Don’t talk to me.
They always want me to know what sport they played in high school despite not playing any sports now. They somehow have no cool college stories, so they think that their high school stories interest us. “Back when I played varsity football…” Shut up. I’m watching real football.
5. The Kid Who Answers Every Question
1. The Teacher’s Pet… That The Teacher Dislikes
There’s a participation grade that I’m failing because one kid knows the answer to every question, and the teacher always picks him.
This is the student that tries to answer every question to become the teacher’s favorite. They don’t understand that the teacher is deliberately looking for another student to answer their question. I would answer the question. It’s just that I never seem to know the answer. Hopefully someone else can before I lose my mind.
Student: Dude, I hate going to this class. It’s so hard. Me: Yeah, dude. I know what you mean. I’m barely passing. Student: Oh, I’ve got 100. This is my hardest class.
4. The Kid Who Answers Every Question Wrong This is the exact same situation as #5. The only difference is