‘We don’t change our past, but we can make different choices for our future.’
Moving forward with a loving connection... In 2013 Anke brought her family together to commemorate what would have been her son Paul’s 18th birthday. She was very touched when three brothers, who used to be Paul’s playmates, were also keen to join them in remembrance. ‘Even though not everyone understood my reasons, they came out of love to support me. Many were apprehensive but the facilitator Buz, who is also a healer and hospice chaplain, helped it feel normal - as indeed it is in many cultures - to remember those who’ve passed at key moments. For me the most moving aspect was to see the young people bravely expressing their grief. My niece, aged 15, was unable to speak but started sobbing, then wanted to run out of the room in embarassment. I told her that crying was nothing to be ashamed of. She sobbed in my arms for what seemed a long time and then returned to her seat smiling. This freed up the others to be even more genuine about their feelings and it also healed my own lifelong pattern of leaving when emotions overwhelmed me. Paul’s friends all thanked me for the chance to talk about what happened when they were so young. I mentioned that I used to see a robin on Paul’s birthdays and the anniversary of his death, then one of them laughed and said when they used to dress up
as Superman and Batman, Paul always wanted to be Robin! My ex-husband and I shared memories about our time together which our sons found very moving, as they were able to witness how much we’d meant to each other. Together we created a safe space where tears could flow and it ended with a sense of tremendous love and connection, not just to Paul but also to each other.’ Anke has had several short stories published and is just finishing writing a fairy tale about a robin. It deals with the themes of war, transgenerational trauma, vulnerability and authenticity in a way that’s accessible and universal, as well as ultimately uplifting. References: Compassionate Friends is an organisation which helps those with children who have died: www.tcf.org.uk Article in The Independent, entitiled ‘Germany admits enslaving and abusing a generation of children’ was published in February 2014. www.independent.co.uk More information: www.veh-ev.eu VEHeV (German Association of Former Care Home Children) & www.careleavers.com (UK).
Bearing the Unbearable: Dealing with Trauma The human psyche is always striving to heal itself and move forward; one might say this is evolution in its most basic form. We may not understand how this happens, yet working as a trauma therapist for close to 15 years, I’ve born witness to the capacity for people to tolerate the seemingly intolerable and to bear the unbearable. Confronting one’s own traumatic past and working through the layers of emotions this entails, can seem an impossible and daunting task. If you’re considering this then ask yourself if you’re truly ready and willing to do this emotional and psychological work. The first stage is to solidify, and if needed, develop one’s own resources and strengths; to ensure that stability and much needed social support is in place. For some this is done quickly, for others it can be a lengthy process, including learning to trust another. Some people choose
to stop once they feel stable, preferring not to delve into their past, and this is always a legitimate option. If one chooses to continue the healing journey, the next phase is to confront one’s own trauma, one’s own past, which, as Anke’s story shows, is often passed down through generations. This is the hero’s journey, the descent into one’s own underworld, and I have the utmost respect for the courage it takes to navigate these old wounds. Seeing the transformation is humbling. Some heal, others come to a place of acceptance. The wounds often remain, but how we relate to them changes; we don’t change our past, but we can make different choices for the future. The final stage of trauma work is integration and rebuilding one’s life, in a more authentic and whole way. www.shawnkatz.com
Shawn Katz
Ph.D. - Psychotherapist and Trauma Specialist
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