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WARNING: Sense of humor should be used during the reading of this publication.
Lyon ranked No. 1 in Princeton Review Samantha Jones Sub-Editor Echoing the praise of Lyon students, faculty, and staff, the Princeton Review has ranked Lyon number one on its list of the Nation‟s Most Academically Mind-Numbing Colleges. The list, which takes into account “retention rate, overall grade point averages, party atmosphere, and general class difficulty,” lists other famously simple universities like Kalamazoo University and the University of New York. According to the director of
the Princeton Review, Lyon was chosen as number one because of its professors‟ “amazing ability to educate students without requiring any effort whatsoever.” Dr. Terrell Tebbetts, the Martha Heasley Cox Chair in American Literature, concurred with the ranking, noting how pleased he is to teach students with little to no attention span. When asked how he feels about assigning papers, Dr. Tebbetts said, “I like to receive papers, but I understand that sleeping and playing video games is often more
important than schoolwork. If a student turns in a paper late or even not at all, I still give them an A for effort.” Other professors agreed with Tebbetts, most notably Dr. Patrick Mulick. “Who needs exams?” Dr. Mulick asked rhetorically. According to Dr. Mulick, he gives one exam per semester, which is comprised of ten true or false questions. When asked how he grades the exams, he said that “everything in life is subjective, so it‟s not fair to give a student a failing grade Continued on page 4
Sexiest Professor Alive announced get time away from the girls,” he recalls. While he was trying to Staff Writer escape his entourage of primary Leaning forward, he takes off school ladies, he discovered the his glasses and flashes a hand- intrigue of the older woman. It was third some, boyish grade in a Cathogrin, a prelude to “It was really hard lic primary his story. The school when he menagerie of to get time away had his first books circumfrom the girls.” crush; Dr. Bube navigating his was entranced by office reminds the only non-nun teacher he had, guests of his rugged worldliMrs. Kirkpatrick. “I used to ness and wisdom. To have a moment of conver- draw her in my class and then take the pictures to show her.” sation with him is to fight off He was heartbroken over her the hordes of admirers who recent marriage, but remained frequent his office. Who is “fascinated by her knees.” this suave gentleman? He is Dr. Bube recovered from his none other than Dr. Paul Bube, first love like a true man. the Sexiest Professor Alive. Though he would not consider Dr. Bube first realized that his attractive nature would be himself a player, he admits, “My problematic at the stunning age wife may have called me that.” of three. “It was really hard to He dated a multitude of women Molly Young
before settling down, despite what he called an “ugly duckling” appearance. When wooing a woman, Dr. Bube plays off of his strengths. “I talk about theology,” he explains. If any difficult topics emerge – such as the woman‟s weight – he finds that his hearing problems often save him from a lot of troubles. Dr. Bube maintains his physique through running. Though he attributes his style to Jack Nicholson, an actor sporting a tailored suit and a devil-may-care smile, his unique style demands its own title – “Running Nerd.” A chic combination of athletic tendency and Garmin watches – with builtin heart monitor - the “Running Nerd” trend seems exclusive to Dr. Bube. Continued on page 4
I N S I D E T HI S IS S UE : Fashion Spotlight
Lost and found
Dinosaurs in Temp
Actual News Article
Campus war erupts
Article Not There Guess: Movie Review
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Fashion Spotlight: Dr. Han Ong Angelica Holmes Staff Writer Dr. Han Ong is not only a biology professor at Lyon, but also the resident fashion guru. Students are amazed by his topnotch fashion choices, and he is the envy of all of his peers. We interviewed Ong to get some insight as to how he can be so busy yet so remarkably stylish. How would you describe your style? Fresh. Usually any clothing item that sits on the top of the pile in my dresser. You know, fresh. What are three items in your closet you can't live without? I couldn't live without my favorite flashy pants (khaki), my cavernous fedora and my Asian skin tone Spanx. Who/what inspires your style? It's really a toss up between Kanye West and Nancy McSpadden.
Where do you get most of your clothes? I prefer to buy clothes from small, artisan, organic and haute couture fashion houses…like Eddie Bauer. What's the best fashion advice you've ever gotten? I used to parade around in those "teacher" vests with embroidered pencils, school buses and apples until someone told me that those vests are too sexy for the classroom. What is one fashion trend that you hate? Beard feather extensions. Look up Lindblom. What do you want people to think when they see your outfits? Dear God, wow, how is THAT possible?! Do you have any advice for faculty who want to develop their own personal style? None. Continue to do what you are doing
because all of you look fine. Except for Mulick; he needs to stop buying clothes from Gymboree.
Lost and found epidemic worsens Joey Gartin
mails were sent out to Lyon students, faculty, and staff, all of which threatened Staff Writer the recipients with dozens of demanding messages to find their missing possesLyon College has been a respected insions and return them. stitution of learning in Batesville, Ark., Lyon residents have reportedly lost their for over one hundred years. keys, backpacks, cell phones, identificaRecently, however, a frightening epidemic has stricken the campus, one which tion cards, undergarments, locks of hair, is not only affecting the students, but also expensive household appliances, large land mammals, vials of deadly insects, members of the faculty and staff. No one knows when it will strike next, and, in one sad case, a fully developed Obama Chia pet. but students tremble with anxiety every Last week, an innocent freshman was time they turn on their computers in fear of seeing yet another one of those fright- ambushed outside of his building by an angry mob of masked students with pitch ening menaces to the college: lost and forks and zombie tag guns. “All I did was found e-mails. delete their lost stuff e-mails,” the stuIn November alone, 507 lost-item e-
dent, who wished to remain anonymous, told campus safety. “Then they attacked me because I wasn‟t looking for their things!” With the struggle turning more and more violent and aggressive e-mails being sent out each day, the future of the college‟s wellbeing remains uncertain. Campus authorities ask that all remain calm, urging students to actively read all lost and found e-mails so as not to anger the senders. With only two causalities reported so far, there‟s still a chance that the hundreds of lost items will be found and returned to their original owners. Otherwise, pray to your deity of choice that you don‟t run into one of these infected students any time soon.
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Velociraptors in Temp ceiling; cover-up underway Molly Young Staff Writer Lyon students sit down daily to enjoy a meal within the Temp‟s secure walls, only to be shaken by the menacing noise from its ceiling pipe. What is this mysterious meal disrupter and what concerns will its origin raise? Lyon junior Xander Batey feels that he has discovered the origin of this terrifying noise: velociraptors. He explains that in the film, Jurassic Park, velociraptors invade a cafeteria. “It [the Temp‟s noise] sounds similar to how it sounds in the movie,” Batey explains.
Batey proposes that such archaic bejuxtaposed meals. ings came to dwell in Lyon‟s dining When asked to explain the origin of facility through the the Temp‟s noise, recent construction Paula Zagata, the efforts. “It must have cafeteria‟s general unearthed some manager, chose to “[The Temp] must have ghastly things from divert blame. before time began – “The original unearthed some ghastly things before our time.” purpose of the from before time began— So why raise conbuilding is what I cern over such a believe is currently before our time.” topic? Batey believes haunting The that there is more to Temp,” she states. the story. There are “If you listen “little bitty [velociraptor] eggs up there,” closely to the „ceiling sock‟ rattle, you he states. can hear the ghost of the ball return from “I think they [the the Arkansas College bowling alley.” Temp staff] are serving Such stories are well and good, but what it as breakfast whenabout velociraptors being abused for her ever they serve breakfacility‟s advancement? fast for dinner.” He To what extent such maltreatment of also suggests that there dinosaurs should concern Lyon students may be more in the may only be decided on an individual bacon than just pig, basis. As for the story‟s source, such possibly something a questionable uses of these prehistoric few hundred years friends are no concern. older and rhyming Batey finds no problem with the with “rhinosaur.” An Temp‟s controversial practice. “It‟s intuitive understanding beneficial for the progress of the human of this may explain nation – Lord willing,” he explains. some students‟ hesi“Keep destroying your eggs!” tance to accept such
Campus department war erupts Tommie Ricker Staff Writer Saturday, Dec. 3, Lyon‟s cable was cut yet again. Upon further inspection of the cut, experts determined that the incident happened some time during the night, when the construction workers were off duty. President Weatherman declared an immediate investigation. It was discovered that the events started early last week, when Dr. David Thomas told his colleagues about the Lyon College cavers being featured on AETN‟s Exploring Arkansas the following Monday. Dr. Thomas, president of COBRA grotto, was unaware that his colleague Dr. Anthony Grafton was president of the secret organization of staying indoors, and this encouragement of outdoor behavior enraged him. Later that day, out of anger, Dr. Grafton
sprang a surprise exam on his General Chemistry I class. The exam consisted of 100 questions, all about advanced calculus. The entire class failed. When asked to comment, Dr. Grafton said, “When they fail, they study more. When they study more, they‟re outside less. It‟s a win/win.” As the chemistry students were leaving the building, Dr. Jeremy Chapman overheard one of the art students remark that calculus was stupid. Hurt, Dr. Chapman retreated to the math department and shared what he had overheard. The department then officially declared war on the art department. Dr. Weatherman refused to release details of the vandalism inside the art building, but when Professor LeJeune was contacted for comment, she began crying and repeatedly asked “What is a limit, anyway?”
After similar incidents between the RPH, history, English, and music departments, campus tensions were at an alltime high. Friday brought relief to the students who no longer had to march and create destruction for their professors. Friday, Dec. 2nd, the failed chemistry tests were returned to the students. Freshman Bruce Jordan was enraged about the grade and decided to take action. During his work study that day, he retrieved wire cutters from the maintenance building, and that night, snuck to the construction site and cut the cable network for all of campus. As a result, no one saw the cavers on AETN‟s 6:30 p.m. program. When Dr. Weatherman was asked how the professors would be reprimanded about the incident, he stated, “We‟ll just blame it on the construction workers.”
Breaking Dawn premiere: a critic’s adventure The Highlander Newspaper presents The Lowlander Lyon College 2300 Highland Dr., Box 821 Batesville, AR 72501 Highlander@lyon.edu
Lilly Hastings Editor-in-Chief
Lillian.email@example.com Samantha Jones Sub-Editor
Samantha.firstname.lastname@example.org Tyler Hudgens Sub-Editor
premiere I have experienced. The closer to midnight, the more excited the crowd beResident Twilight Expert came. At 11:50 p.m., the cinFamous Movie Critic ema workers opened the doors to the screens; the crowd immediately surged forward. Waiting in line for the preI was pushed, prodded, and miere of Breaking Dawn: Part shoved forward, until finally I One is a serious task. Many fell to the ground only to be movie-goers bring copies of ignored by the mindless crowd the Twilight books, conceal in their haste to view the food, and chat with others movie. standing in line. I always After the crowd filled the make it a habit to be the first in line to take notes on movie- theatres, I was free to get up only to realize my leg was hurt. goers‟ behavior, their reacI could barely walk, but, as the tions, and the movie itself. world‟s most famous movie This premiere though was rather different from any other critic, I worked through the Staff Writer
pain and sat through the movie. The movie was very good; I heard many gasps, cat calls, and crying. After the movie, the crowd discussed the hotness of Jacob and Edward, the imprinting scene, Bella‟s pregnancy, and the birthing scene. I eased my way out of the theatre and drove to the hospital. My severe bruising, cast on my foot and leg, and my new crutches were well worth this exciting premiere. I look forward to the next premiere, but promise my faithful readers that I will be more careful and move faster to avoid the path of violent crowds.
Princeton Review, continued Continued from page 1 on something they clearly thought about for a couple of seconds.” Sophomore Ashley Mott said that it was Lyon‟s undemanding curriculum that first drew her in. “Exams at this college are so easy that I can sleep through them,” Mott said without irony. Mott
went on to say that being able to sleep in class helped her far more important hobbies, such as “eating candy, taking JelloO shots before 10 a.m., playing Adele‟s album on repeat for hours, and spinning around in [her] desk chair until [she] gets dizzy. Senior Jake Worlow concurred with Mott, noting that he has more than enough time
to do absolutely nothing between balancing basketball and school. “Everyday at Lyon is like a party,” Worlow said. UPDATE: After the publication of this article, Lyon also made number two on the Princeton Review‟s list of the “Nation‟s Colleges That Are So Affordable They Might as Well Be Free.”
Letter from the Editor: The Lowlander is a satirical publication that accompanies the Highlander Newspaper once a semester. While some articles contain real quotes and some contain fake, the Lowlander’s objective is simply to provide humor to students, faculty, and staff. Articles submitted are not meant to show any disrespect or ill-will toward any member of the Lyon College community mentioned or portrayed. - Editor-in-Chief
Sexiest Professor Alive, continued Continued from page 1 Dr. Bube considers running shoes as a wardrobe staple for this style. As for the scent contributing to Dr. Bube‟s animal magnetism, he sports Degree Sport™ antiperspirant. His hair takes more care. When asked how he creates such an inspirational mane, Dr. Bube responds, “One strand at a time.” One can only imagine the hours he spends establishing its professional, yet mildly seductive tone. As for tattoos and piercings, there exist “none that [he‟s] going to admit to.”
An ideal date for Dr. Bube would be to “get on a plane with [his] wife and go to Hawaii for a week.” Why his wife? Dr. Bube says that if there is anything he finds most sexy in a woman, it is “being [his] wife.” In fact, he also finds her to be his type. “I dated women of a lot of different types,” he states. “[But] if you line a bunch of women up – in complete honesty – I would choose the one who looks most like my wife.” On campus, Dr. Bube appreciates the recent popularity of rain boots. “There is something kind of defiant about them,” he states. “You can stomp in a
puddle and not be harmed.” As for his least favorite campus trend, Dr. Bube states that he dislikes the “drinking and casual sex” most. This sexy professor has nothing to hide. “I‟m not a particularly secretive guy. I‟m pretty much an open book,” he states, continuing to say that the only secret he may possess would be a love of musicals. In ten years, Dr. Bube will be eligible for retirement. He would like to brave the rugged wilds of Africa and teach in a mission school. Can anyone say “sexy adventurer”?