Page 1

Garland, twinkling lights and snow -- Oh My!, page 2

Zombies spotted in new underground lot, page 6 MARCH 29, 2010 highlandernews.net

Spring 2011 Wins Epic Celeb Guest Speaker Motivational speaking is recurring theme for MU, now a stop on the "Truth Tour." By Pamela Shine Moon Goddess Charlie Sheen is scheduled to speak up about his winning attitude and tiger blood during an upcoming event at MU on April 28. Sheen recently drew the attention of the media due to his alleged dealings involving drug and alcohol abuse. He is now going through two-step rehabilitation at his mansion, Sober Valley Lodge, which is similar to the rehab treatment of stars including Lindsay Lohan. His rehab is accompanied with 24-hour care that is proctored by his goddesses. Sheen plans to speak out about his extreme rants that occurred earlier in the year. “People need to hear my gold as it rolls out. Not as it’s like disappearing, disappearing like so many magician’s rabbits. We are in the middle of a movement

here; an odyssey of epic proportions- epic, epic proportions,” said Sheen. Sheen said he wanted the public to know that he was alright. His speaking tour entitled “Torpedoes of Truth Tour” will be stopping by MU for him to talk about what he says he knows best --winning. “The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. Winner, winner Sheen dinner,” said Sheen. Sheen said he plans to give MU students and faculty the gift of Sheen along with the knowledge that he acquired from another planet. He said that he wants to expose people to an extravaganza the little town of Dallas has never seen before. “I exposed people to magic I exposed them to something that they’re not going

to see again in their normal boring lives and I gave that to them,” said Sheen. “I forget about them tomorrow but they’ll live with that for the rest of their lives and that’s a gift.” Sheen talked about his tour and his plans for a trip to MU in a recent interview on ABC news. He claimed that students at MU have followed him on Twitter since the beginning, so he will proudly stand up for the university and speak there. “People are doing exactly what they should be doingwatching me and listening to you because we have all the answers, we have all the gold, we have all the solutions,” said Sheen. One Sheen fan said she is anticipating his arrival. "I really like Charlie Sheen even when he went a little crazy, but I still follow him

on Twitter. I too have tiger blood and believe that phones are built by trolls, but I hope that he doesn’t say something like ‘surprise I’m not really crazy’ while he’s here. Boring,” said Sheeda Knowall. Sheen said he appreciates all of his fans and the attention he has received over the past months, but explains that he does not have time for them because he is extremely busy with his constant radio interviews. “I have one speed. Go. Because I’m me- I’m different. I have a different brain. I have a different heart. Tiger blood. What’s not to love it’s my life. Winning,” said Sheen. Knowall said that she will be in the front row for the speech and is excited to hear what Sheen has to say. “I know he’s a real winner

Townhouses scrapped in new layout (Continued on page 5)

MU's football program student influx needs more beds, townhouse living doesn't make the cut. By Ellen Pompeo Grey's Anatomist

MU’s football program is slated to be unveiled in the fall of 2012. Officials are planning several construction projects in order to accommodate the influx of students. The blueprints state that the 18 townhouses on the lower part of campus will have a meeting with a wrecking ball – a new dormitory will take the place of the six-person dwellings.

The new building will be able to house double the amount of residents the former Townhouse Complex can and will feature suite style housing. “With the football team coming, we are concerned about the space we have in the current residence halls and this is one way to squash that problem,” said Donna Ellis, Director of Housing. Officials say that they

hope to begin construction by May 21, 2011. Sister Jean Messaros said she is encouraging students to remain positive throughout the construction period. “We know that it is going to be a rocky transition for everyone at first but we’re sure the finished product will be worth all the trouble now,” said Messaros. Some students say they are upset with the change.

Junior Abbey Ramsey is a resident of the townhouses said loves the feeling of independence. “I don’t understand why they can’t just find somewhere else to build a new dorm. It’s ridiculous that they have to tear down this housing that so many people fight for -- just to build a dorm exactly like Gildea Hall,” said Ramsey. Officials say they feel the removal of the townhouse (Continued on page 5)


MARCH 29, 2011 CONTACT US (570) 867-5309 highland@ misericordia.edu

STAFF Ello Kitty The Notorious EIC Emma Bunton Baby Spice Printanator May Fever Web Goddess Julie Andrews AP Style-nista Lizzie Taylor Business Guru Joel McHale Soup Photog Mama Sgroi The Watchdog

News

Admissions elf a mystery

highlandernews.net

2

Christmas cheer appeared overnight while dog went missing, authorities stumped. By Buddy Tompkins Cheermeister Columnist The Admissions hallway of Mercy Hall was transformed into a Winter Wonderland overnight. Freshly-cut crisp, white, paper snowflake chains dangle amidst a sea of blinking lights and strands of garland throughout the first floor. Iridescent, sparkling paper shreds coat the floor and the temperature settings are fixed to 32 degrees in what appears to be an attempt to convert the hallway into the North Pole. Campus Safety officer Tom Matinas discovered a peculiar scene as he unlocked the rear entrance of Mercy Hall. “I’m the first one here every morning, so it’s my job to open up Misericordia for all of the students, faculty and staff. When I saw all of the Christmas stuff up here I was shocked on how this

[decorating] happened,” said Matinas. Safety logs report that no one entered the building overnight and the first floor was not decorated, but the official surveillance videos offer a clue. A large shadow quickly enters the hallways at approximately 1:23:15 a.m. The figure proceeds to quickly bounce throughout the building and in a flash the decorations appear and the figure vanishes at 1:23:45 a.m. Members of the Dallas Township Crime Scene Investigation [CSI] unit are assisting Matinas with this investigation. The hallway is sealed while officers scan the area for prints. Three sets of human prints and one animal print have been sent to the laboratory for identification, according to CSI officials. “This isn’t a matter of

safety here, we’re just trying to get to the bottom of this and we’re exploring many leads. Students should not be alarmed by the spread of Christmas cheer. It’s obvious that whoever did this was not trying to cause harm but to send a message. As the saying goes the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear,” said Matinas. Chris Shenefield reported her dog missing minutes before the decorations mysteriously appeared in the Admissions hallway. “I was taking my puppers [Islet] out before I went to bed, then the strangest thing happened. I was overcome by the smell of peppermint and Vaseline. I looked up at the sky and saw what looked like a big snow squall hover over my puppers and in an instant she

was gone,” said Shenefield. Matinas believes the dog-napping and decorating incident are related. “This whole thing just doesn’t make sense, I really don’t get it. This isn’t just like whoever did this doubleparked in a fire-zone, this is serious. They penetrated our security system and took someone’s dog, it’s just not right. I would just love to know what their deal is with Christmas. It’s April,” said Matinas. Shenefield said that she has met with an audiologist and a sketch artist to develop wanted signs. Recordings of the Christmas Capers’ voices and sketches of their faces will be posted on e-MU later today. Students, faculty, staff and community members are encouraged to call the tip line if they know any information: 1-800-252-7837.

MISSING DOG Anyone with information regarding the location of Islet, the Golden Retriever please call ext. 6264

English Department hosts conference MU's literary team excitedly organized the first-ever national conference to be held on campus.

Integrity The Hamilitonian is the annual April Fools edition. All stories, photographs, and advertisement are developed in good fun. Opinions and views expressed in the Hamilitonian in no way reflect those of Misericordia University or the Sisters of Mercy.

By Dr. Patrick Hamilton English Professor

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________ _______ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ____ _______________

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ________________ ___ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _____________ ______ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ (Continued on page 8)


MARCH 29, 2011

highlandernews.net

Move aside Frankel -- MU's men are on

3

Four faculty members from MU were chosen to star in a spin-off of the "Real Housewives" series based in the Back Mountain. By Andy Bravissimo Reality Television Enthusiast Four MU faculty members made the final casting cut for a new television reality series entitled “The Real Househusbands of the Back Mountain.” The project, a spin-off of Bravo TV’s “The Real Housewives” franchise, is set to begin filming in May. Cast members will include Dr. Scott Richardson, Director of Multicultural Initiatives; Glenn Bozinski, Director of Admissions; Dr. Joseph Curran, Professor of Religious Studies; and Dr. Allan Austin, Professor of History. Recent criticism of reality television revolves around the fabricated nature and scripting of the programs, including friendships seen on-screen. Richardson and Bozinski are close friends in reality, as are Curran and Austin. Producers of the show say they hope to reach fans through genuine interaction on-screen and feel the cast members will provide that authenticity. All four men have a major component in common – their lives very much revolve around their chil-

dren. Dedicated dads are commonly a hit on television and these four men are constantly involved with their offspring’s activities. “Glenn is always the first one in the office and the last one to leave, unless of course Madeline has to be somewhere,” said a coworker of Bozinski and his dedication to his daughter’s Girl Scout schedule. Richardson’s fashion sense will be exemplified on the show, highlighting his shopping skills that rival those on the basketball court. The assistant basketball coach will be featured spending time with his son Jordan, a high school senior and star football athlete, and his young firecracker daughter, Jayla. Richardson’s colorcoordinated planner will make frequent appearances helping him keep track of his gym time to lift weights, fishing and kayaking schedules and most importantly his children’s busy lives. Bozinski also makes frequent appearances at the gym on the elliptical machine when he isn’t ped-

dling Girl Scout cookies to his coworkers. He has also been described as a workaholic and very dedicated to his job, except for when his daughter, Madeline, has something she needs her daddy for. Producers say they love the “drop everything and run” attitude Bozinski shows in regard to his daughter’s extracurricular activities. Spoiler alert: Bozinski’s real moment to shine will be filmed at the holidays with a little-known annual affair that occurs after students leave campus for winter recess. “Glenn’s Christmas Tree Lighting”, which happens in the basement of Mercy Hall, will be a highlight of the show with an entire episode dedicated to the event and the Marvel comic characters adorning both the tree and his office throughout the year. Producers said Bozinski’s quirky superhero collection made him a shoe-in for the cast, following the “cool nerd” trend that swept the nation with characters like Seth Cohen on “The OC”. Curran and Austin came

Missing person, snowy closet (Continued on page 7)

Above, is the promotional flyer featuring MU's staff members.

Mysterious disappearance is being investigated by authorities. By L.C. Sewis White Witch Supporter Dormitory room 201 isn’t different from the other rooms in McGowan Hall. The two-person dwelling has two beds, two dressers, two armoires and a sink. Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe posters flock the walls and bunches of flowers sit on top of the marble sink. Sophomore Serena Smorhog and Thena Theraflu called this space “home” - that was until their peaceful living place took a turn for the bizarre. A strange glow permeated through the neatly hung

Above, is a sketch of the McGowan room 201 crime scene.

sweaters in Smorhog’s closet. Theraflu said she saw her roommate open the door to the armoire to examine the light and an instant she was gone. “Serena was digging in her closet looking for an outfit to wear. I went to the bathroom and when I came back, she was gone,” said Theraflu. Theraflu said that she didn’t see, or hear, Smorhog leave their room and is convinced the glow is responsible for her friend’s disappearance. Smorhog did not leave the room during the

time she was out of sight, said Theraflu. “We share a bathroom, so I would have heard her leave.” Doreena Dorkshaw, President of MU, claims the Federal Bureau of Investigation [FBI] has been called to investigate Smorhog’s disappearance. “Students just don’t vanish into thin air. We need to, and we will, get to the bottom this,” said Dorkshaw. FBI investigators have reported influx of precipitation in Smorhog’s closet since her disappearance. (Continued on page 6)


MARCH 29, 2011

highlandernews.net

MU Football joins the Big 10

COUGAR SPORTS SCENE ON CAMPUS

Cougars will face-off with Division I teams. By Dick Vitale Sports Enthusiast MU's football program has been selected to join the list of Leaders and Legends for the upcoming 2012 season. Officials say that they feel MU's mission displays the characteristics essential for the Big 10 Football Conference. "This school may be small in size, but it is not small in heart. They will be a perfect contender and we can't wait to see how they perform," said Al Mack, Chief Executive Officer. Campus officials say they are pleased with the Big 10's decision. "I always knew we would make it to

4

the big leagues. I'm just surprised it took this long. I know the program isn't fully up and running yet, but you'd think the minute we announced the program that the Big 10 would be knocking on our door. At least they realized it now," said Bobby Boucher Jr, the Waterboy. MU's schedule will consist of games against: Penn State University, Notre Dame University, Michigan State University and Ohio State University. A complete schedule will be available on the e-MU portal.

SIMMERING STORIES By JOSH HORTON Sports Columnist

Above, Dr. Patrick Hamilton poses for pictures that will be submitted to GQ's Man of the Month. Hamilton will be featured in the publication's Steller Scholars issue, which will be on stands next month. Copies can be preordered.

CAMPUS SAFETY BLOTTER McHale Hall--

Gildea Hall --

McGowan Hall --

Alumnae Hall --

Safety officers are looking for the student involved in a rash of Ramen noodle robberies. Several residents have reported their noodles have gone missing overnight. Anyone with information regarding the noodle-napping is asked to call 570555-2368.

Officers have apprehended the star suspect in Operation Christmas Cheer. Senior Pat Blaskiewicz was discovered after Residence Life staff received complaints of a dog barking. Blaskiewicz was found with Puppers hiding in his room and is awaiting a judiciary hearing.

Sophomore Serena Smorhog vanished from her room after peering into her closet. Safety Officers have the secondfloor on lockdown and students are asked to seek shelter in another residence hall until the investigation is closed.

Students are asked to not leave their rooms after nightfall. Reports of ghostlike activity have safety officers concerned that poltergeist activity will ensue.

Derek Jeter epitomizes everything great about baseball. He has great natural abilities, but he practices his heart out. He is a leader both on and off the field and carries himself with professionalism and passion. Jeter lives and breathes baseball, which is why his recent career change comes as a shock to the sports world. That’s right, I said career change. The 11 time MLB all-star Yankees shortstop is trading in his pinstripes for tights. Jeter has left the friendly confines of Yankee Stadium and will soon open his own ballet company. The company will be known as Mr. November’s Ballet Company. The move from ballet to baseball comes as a surprise to many of his teammates. Jeter has said in numerous interviews that the decision is final. It is rumored the reason for his new love for ballet can be credited to the 2011 film “The Black Swan.” I am not sure if Derek Jeter is the next Natalie Portman, but I guess we shall see. Jeter is best known for his numerous accolades in baseball. It will be interesting to see how great of a dancer he is. The rumor is the ballet community is enraged. Dance professionals feel Jeter isn’t serious about his move and he should worry about hitting a curveball and not about whether or not he will fit into his tights. “This is outrageous. I hope he knows what he is getting himself into,”

said one ballet company owner who wanted to remain anonymous. “Ballet is not easy. I don’t understand why he thinks he can do it. He is going to embarrass the entire ballet community.” I think these words are a little extreme. It is obvious Jeter is serious. He wouldn’t just hang up his cleats after an amazing baseball career if he weren’t passionate. Jeter’s first production is rumored to be called “Take me out to the ballet.” The production will have a baseball theme and will feature former teammates, Tino Martinez, Scott Brocius, and Jorge Posada. Former Yankee outfielder Bernie Williams will write the music, and Jeter plans to honor the deceased former play-byplay man Phil Rizzuto by using his famous audio clips throughout the show. It is great to see Jeter isn’t totally forgetting baseball. However, the move puzzles me because he has at least five years left of quality baseball left. The transition to ballet may have had something to do with the possibility of having to move positions. Eduardo Nunez had an outstanding year in triple-A Scranton/ Wilkes-Barre, and many writers have speculated Jeter would move positions to make room for Nunez. In my heart I believe Jeter will make a return to Yankee Stadium very soon. Hopefully it will be as a shortstop and not for old timers’ day.


MARCH 29, 2011

highlandernews.net

5

Students prepare for curtain call Townhouses, Cont'd The end of the world is nearing according to officials and people anticipate the end of the world. By Haff M.T. Negative Nancy “Dooms day is upon us” is the grim news that is no surprise to many in the Dallas community. December 21, 2012 is marked in many calendars as the day when the earth is scheduled to expire--by fire, flood, Charlie Sheen? No one knows, but some are taking action to prepare for the end, while others are losing hope. “I believe that the end is coming but no one should panic because we have a plan,” said Theo Politician. “We hope to begin to ship people, politicians and celebrities first, to the moon by rocket so that when the earth implodes, we won’t die,” he said. Politician also explained that if that plan did not work, the government has a backup.. “We all agreed that if the rockets do not work we can always lie to the people and say that the earth is not really going to end,” said

Politician. “Lies have been working for years.” Others believe bad things will happen because the earth has become a dumping ground for garbage and waste. “You trashed the earth and the earth is going to trash us,” said MU senior Rayne Flower. She also believes that if the rest of world went green when she did, it would not be dying. “I planted trees, recycled, and shut off the lights and no one else did, so there. I hope you are happy now,” said Flower. Some couples are pushing their weddings up so they can say “I do” before they say “good bye”. “I’m planning on getting married on December 1, 2012 because I’ll be married at least 20 days before the world ends,” said Noelle DeTru, junior. Ian Smart has very interesting ideas on where

people can seek shelter if the end becomes reality. “So we can always live in the Dungeon below the Mezzanine. We can hoard food in the editing bay and, if worst comes to worst, we can videotape our last moments so people will remember the communication students for once,” said Smart. People from MU and across the country have made their own predictions about which disaster will destroy the earth. “My vote is on the volcanoes that will pop up all over the globe like in the movie “Volcano.” It would be so freaky but what a way for the earth to go,” said Smart. “I believe that Charlie Sheen and all the celebrities, including Snooki, are going to be the ones to destroy the planet because the earth is so embarrassed that people waste their time paying attention to them. It will just implode on

itself,” said Flower. “I do not believe that the earth is going to end or that there is any proof that the earth is going to end,” said Politician. Others think that there are still possibilities for the billions of people that live and breathe in Dallas, PA. “We can always adapt like cockroaches and other bugs that live deep underground. Those buggers can live through anything supposedly, but we won’t be alive to find out, will we?” said Flower. Sheen believes that he has the power to cure the earth and prevent any looming disaster. “I’m just going to will it and it will be gone,” he said. Other people are not waiting for the end and are taking the advice of Dr. Phil and Oprah. “Literally, I bought Snooki’s and Oprah’s books when I found out the world could end because those two (Continued on page 7)

DMB has so much to say, say say MU wins competition. The prize -- an exclusive concert performed by Dave Matthews Band. By Paula Deen Commuting Reporter The famous Dave Matthews Band is coming. That’s right Dave, Carter, Stefan, and Boyd are coming to MU to put on a free concert. DMB’s website “The Warehouse” hosted a texting challenge open to all college seniors. Whichever college or university student body to send the most texts with different lyrics from the band’s tunes would win a free concert at their college campus. The band announced MU as the winner on March 28. Senior Brianna Logan, a lover of Dave Matthews Band, has seen him in concert over 10 times. Logan is the one who convinced most of the MU seniors to take part in the contest so The Warehouse gave her front row seats. “I can’t believe

I’m going to be up close and personal to Dave Matthews himself,” said Logan. She started listening to the band when her babysitter left an old Walkman at her house. Logan had no idea what was in it but was bored and didn’t have one of her own so she tried it out. To her surprise it was the Live in Central Park CD, and “Ant’s Marching” was the first song she heard. The next day she made her dad take her out to buy two new CDs. Logan still owns them as well as about 15 others. She’s been listening to DMB ever since. Band members will stay in one of the suites in Gildea Hall. The next morning they will get a full tour of the campus as well as host a CD signing in the Banks Student Life Center.

Kit Foley, Dean of Students, picked MU junior Jon Frye to lead the campus tour. “I have always been a fan of their music since I was in high school, and I’m pumped to meet the guys behind the lyrics,” said Frye. Frye, a native from Scranton, PA, has attended every concert performed by the Dave Matthews Band at the Toyota Pavilion in Moosic. The first time he was a sophomore in high school, and he did not know a lot of their songs. Now he can list over 100. “It’s going to be sweet to get to just chill with friends and the Misericordia community and listen to a great band,” he said. Members of DMB are as excited as the MU students are. “It should be something

different to play for just college kids,” says Matthews. He started performing in a pub where he met Boyd, the violinist. He met the rest of the band after playing a few years with Boyd, and they have been best friends since. They haven’t played a small show since their start, instead playing large venues such as Hershey Park and Madison Square Garden. The concert will be held April 29 in the Amphitheater. This concert is only for MU students so a valid MU ID is required for entry. Students over 21 will be able to consume alcoholic beverages in one of the tents that will be set up on campus. Proof of age will be required.

Continued from page 1 complex is in the best interest of the students. “We understand this is going to cause some hardships for the people who were planning on living there next year, but we need to make some changes now in order to prepare for the future. It’s a good thing, trust me,” said Ellis. The new dormitory will be

available for upperclassmen residents. Students will now have the option of living in the apartment-style dormitory, Highland Hall, located across from Anderson Sports and Health Center; the communalstyle dormitories Alumnae, McGowan and McHale hall; and suite-style quarters in Gildea and MacDowell Hall.

Celeb speaker, Cont'd Continued from page 1 but when he told the world “they are trying to take all my money” it really hurt me to see him in this position because he’s unemployed and all. I won’t watch Two and a Half Men anymore because he said not to,” said Knowall. Sheen said his advice to

the students and faculty on April 28 will be a walk-up call for anyone who wants advice from a celebrity with a brain from another planet. “They didn’t give me any advice and within that it’s great advice,” said Sheen.

2011 Commencement Speaker Announced:

Nicole

Snooki Polizzi


MARCH 29, 2011

highlandernews.net

6

The undead calls home to new parking lot Commuters have a bigger problem than finding a parking spot -- warding off zombies. By Megan Falls Juggling Journalist University officials announced they will build a parking garage and eliminate all parking on campus to make room for new fields and dorms. The garage pleased members of the Commuter Council, who feel covered parking is convenience--until they realized the garage will be located beneath the cemetery. They say they will not park six feet under. Dean of Students Kit Foley said officials chose this location because there is not enough space for parking and a football field. “I’m not exactly pleased with this situation, but what could you do?”. The garage will be designed to work with the Blacktop Lounge, so com-

muters feel more at home, according to Paul Murphy, director of Facilities. “We are going to try to light it similarly to the lounge, maybe even bottle that smell and pipe it in,” said Murphy. Commuters are most worried about the possible attack of the undead. English department chair and zombie enthusiast Dr. Rebecca Steinberger believes that this could very likely happen. “Those students are rightfully fearful,” said Steinberger. “They should begin to train, to prepare. Clearly, this university should offer some self-defense classes.” Commuters Whitney Rohm and Kristen Gazowski plan to start a commuter

militia. “If we are going to be forced underground, with the zombies and all, we need to be prepared,” said Rohm. The commuter militia will utilize the one thing all members have: their vehicles. “We’ve gotten together and modified our rides. We’re taking “Pimp my Ride” to a whole new level,” said Gazowski. They say they are getting ready for the worst. “I put chicken wire over my windows so if the undead break them, those dead buggers won’t get me,” said Cory Chikowski, Commuter Council secretary. The question that has commuters’ scratching their heads is why they are the ones forced to park under-

ground and face the danger. “I mean, it was one thing when they didn’t build us a new lounge or clear snow from our parking spots, but do the officials at this school really hate us that much that they would sacrifice us to the zombies in order to save the dormers?” asked Gazowski. University officials call the claims of sacrifice absolutely ridiculous. “We value all of our students here at Misericordia. A zombie attack would be tragic, but let’s face the facts, commuters would probably be the first to go in any situation parking garage or no parking garage,” said an MU official who declined to be identified for this story. The commuters would be

at a disadvantage in the event of a zombie apocalypse, according to electronic reserve specialist Jacob Garner. “The residents will be safely locked in their dorms and the professors will be locked in their offices. Basically commuters and adjuncts will be skewered. Where will they go to be safe?” asked Garner. Commuters would have to band together with adjunct professors to get to their cars with as few casualties as possible, according to Garner. “It’s a suicide mission. They’ll be running directly into the fire,” said Garner. Garner knows where he’ll be in case of an attack. “Head to the roof of the library! Once there, I’ll lock

Tips to Avoid a Zombie Attack: Always travel with a buddy, zombies fear couples. Try to make as little noise as possible, zombies have poor hearing.

(Continued on page 7)

Hammie's House of Heels

Missing person, Cont'd Continued from page 3

Have you ever spotted that perfect pair of pumps, but were crushed when you found out they were just too big. Look no further than Hammie's House of Heels -- specializing in killer kicks for petite feet. The one-stop-shop for 'Walk a Mile in her Shoes'

“It was as if it were snowing inside it [Smorhog’s armoire]. Her closet isn’t even near the window,” said leading missing persons investigator, Hugh Dunnit. The bureau records state that this is the first time a disappearance like this has happened. “We have dealt with odd happenings before, of course, but the possibility that this person disappeared into a closet is going to be difficult to figure out,” said Gerard. Thomas Tickets, a MU Campus Safety officer, disappeared while assisting in the examination of room 201. “He just disappeared. I was facing the opposite direction at the time and when I turned back to him, he was just gone,” said Campus Safety Officer, Frederick Fiveoh. Fiveoh said he left the room and headed directly to the Campus Safety office. He said he returned to the McGowan room about

30 minutes later to find Tickets sitting on the floor. “He said that he was sorry for being gone for so long. But I didn’t know what he meant. Tickets said he didn’t know where he went, but he kept apologizing for being gone for days. I was like dude, you were only gone for half an hour,” said Fiveoh. Tickets was covered in the same snow-like substance that was found in Smorhog’s closet, so officers say feel there is some connection between the two. Smorhog’s location is still unknown. Her parents, Jackson and Jillian Smorhog, have launched a nation-wide search for their daughter. “Our local community has been super supportive and have all been making phone calls and sending out letters and announcements in hopes of find some tip that will lead us to Serena,” said Jillian Smorhog. (Continued on page 7)


MARCH 29, 2011

highlandernews.net

MU's Men, Cont'd Zombie cont'd Continued from page 6

Continued from page 3 to the “Househusbands” casting call together and told the producers up-front that they were a package deal. The casting director said she hired them immediately. The two are real-life best buds, even sharing a family dog, Yayu, who is kindly providing her cuteness factor to the Curran family while leaving Austin with all the responsibility. Curran insists he will never get a dog of his own, but will continue to borrow Austin’s dog and his good friend Dr. Patrick Hamilton’s lazy couch dog, if he ever gets one. “We were very happy to discover this potential drama storyline for the show,” said lead casting director R.U. Krazee. Curran’s extracurricular activities revolve largely around his two daughters, Caitlin and Molly. Afternoons playing Wii are standard father-daughter time, but Curran has a hobby the show’s producers found much more interesting. Curran builds Hot Wheels tracks for his daughters that run the entire floor

7

surface space of their home – upstairs and down. Curran also will spend time cooking on the show, displaying his affinity for deep frying a turkey at every holiday and continuing to discuss a promised “turducken,” which was not confirmed as a spoiler alert. His wife schedules the calendar, which includes hangtime for him and Austin, though they will spend time with the other “Househusbands” as well. Austin captured the image of the edgy intellectual in the eyes of the casting director, mainly because of his long hairstyle. Austin, having been at MU for 10 years and gained full professor status, claimed he stopped caring about looking professional at this point in his career. His children, son Bobby and daughter Hope, are getting older and he has more time to spend on grooming. Austin’s musical interests build his character as an ‘80s heavy metal, hair band lover. Spoiler alert: Austin will take the entire cast of “Househusbands” to

a “King’s X” concert during the season, causing some problems for the other cast members. The Quaker vegan is also very involved in getting his children to and from their extracurricular activities, sometimes taking him from his comic book class early. Bozinski and Austin will find a common denominator in their comic book interest this season. Austin is also the Faculty Athletic Representative at MU, a position that Curran secretly (or not) desires, causing some friction between the friends on-screen. Producers of the new series expect “The Real Househusbands of the Back Mountain” to be a hit from the beginning and are confident in their cast to garner a widespread following. The series’ first season will run in the fall as part of Bravo TV’s Thursday night primetime line-up, but check listings for times in September. As in any reality show project, cast members are not available for comment.

that door and stay there so I’ll be safe, but I wish all them the best,” he said. “It’s just gross,” said one commuter upon exiting her car on one of the last days of open-air parking lots on campus. She believes that it’s disrespectful to those

Friday April 1st 7pm Black Top Lounge

ing my professor’s cane as a weapon, possibly modifying it to be more like what Daredevil had, maybe put some nunchucks inside it,” she said. “I don’t know about everyone else, but at least the COM commuters will get out alright.”

Curtain call cont'd Continued from page 5 always right on television and if anyone knew what to do in a disaster, they would know,” said Anna Couchpotata. “Besides I might be able to go on Oprah’s show and get a new car.” Many will be on Facebook and Twitter on December 20 to talk to their friends and family as the end

Faculty Karaoke Night Featuring: Amanda Caleb George Sprengelmeyer Chip Hunter Alison Piatt Steven Tedford

buried in the cemeteries and that a Catholic college should not allow such “neglect disrespect” to those who have passed. Others simply want to share their escape plans. Gazowski said the plan is quite simple. “I plan on us-

sweeps over the globe. “I think it will be a surreal moment to send a tweet or post something on my wall before I die,” said Flower. “I think it will be something like ‘okay people it’s the east coast time to go--press shift, send, wait two minutes.” No matter what happens,

many people plan to enjoy the last days. “I just spent all my college loans for the next four years on a home theater system and a jumbo jet so if this turns out to be another Y2K, I’m in trouble,” said Smart.

Ways to Prepare for 2012: Develop a 'Bucket-List' Prepare adequate shelter Stock-up on SPAM and Bottled Water

Missing person Cont'd Continued from page 6 “Wherever she is, I hope she’s having a good time,” said Jackson Smorhog. Officials say the Smorhog disappearance continues to boggle their minds, but they want to assure students this is an isolated incidence. “This has nothing to do with the recent Christmas Cheer Frenzy in Mercy Hall. I have been in contact with the Crime Scene Investigation department and they have assured me they are not related. But this Smorhog case really has me scratching my head,” said Fiveoh. “I really don’t know what to think about all this. All the different reports, Jackson Smorhog’s enthusiasm, Officer Tickets, they

all seem too weird to believe but there is enough evidence to know that something beyond what we know has occurred in Smorhog’s room,” said Fiveoh. No further information has been disclosed. Theraflu has been moved to a different room due to the lockdown on the room she shared with Smorhog in order to prevent further disappearances. Dorkshaw said she advises everyone to stay alert and immediately report anything unusual that is seen or heard until the arrival of the FBI.


MARCH 29, 2011

highlandernews.net

YOUR LAST SHOT

8

: F E PE for t o n s ' It ! r e n n di

Each year 6 panda cubs are smuggled into the country to be raised for peef. Peef is panda meat which is sold at whole food stores in the Heights section of Wilkes-Barre.

SUBMIT YOUR OWN PHOTOS

The photographer, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation from the owner of Beary Manilow. The Bear has remained a nomad and visits classroom to ofďŹ ce, in search of the perfect, loving home.

Conference Cont'd Continued from page 2 ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _____ ______________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________

Please be alert for persons eating and/or consuming peef on campus and contact PETP [People for the ethical treatment of pandas] immediately.

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _______________ ___ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________________.

The Hamiltonian  
The Hamiltonian  

The Hamilitonian is the annual April Fools edition. All stories, photographs, and advertisement are developed in good fun. Opinions and view...

Advertisement