Page 1


Oh Henry Contents Editorial.

1

Club members. (Henry Patton)

2

ACC adventures. (Tim Wiffen)

4

Oli’s word search.

4

Josh’s page of wonderment.

5

Dear Stu, non resident agony uncle.

6

Ode to the log book. (Rich Ll Smith)

6

Dear Uncle Stu, pt. 2.

7

Log book quotes pt. 1. (compiled by Henry Patton)

7

Rescues– a spotters guide. (Xian Stannard)

8

More Dear Uncle Stu.

9

Caption Competition. (Henry Patton)

11

Log book quotes pt. 2.

11

Buddy can you spare a pint? (Alex Jones)

12

Stops vs Go’s, a proper caving article. (Chris Belton)

12

More Stu.

12

Log book quotes pt. 3.

13

Mendip– what's the point? (Chris Belton)

13

A cavers dictionary. (Olivia Dawson)

14

Trip reports. (Toby Collins, and from the log book, compiled by Olivia Dawson.)

15

Caving games. (Frances Pope)

16

Chris’ ‘poetry’ corner.

16

Editorial note. I’d like to reiterate that ‘Oh Henry’ welcomes articles in welsh and English, and especially to thank Henry for his many contributions and Fran and Chris for sub-editing. Other than that i feel I've done enough work for one issue and will leave the editorial to my illustrious predecessors. ‘May I thank all the people who have kindly contributed to this edition and hope that in time more members will unleash their own ideas through this medium (Simmons, Thrutch, Xmas ‘79).’ ‘If enough material is forthcoming 2 issues of Thrutch can be produced per term, but it depends on you. Anyone interested in taking over as editor next year please see me (Colin, Thrutch, Winter 1980).’ ‘Well, here it is at last, the summer special edition of Thrutch and our Thrutch No. 4, defying all those pessimists who said it would never happen... Anyway, keep those articles coming in for the inevitable Thrutch No. 5. (Lil, Thrutch, Summer 1980).’ ‘It is sad to note articles come from only a small proportion of the club (Prothero-Jones, Thrutch, summer ‘82).’ ‘If you don’t like what’s been written about you, you could go off and cry in the toilets. Alterna1 tively you could get even in the next issue (Critchlow-Watton, Eugene, summer ‘96).


Your guide to the Aberystwyth Caving Club. Tim Wiffen: President Adept at surviving long periods of time in dark wet pots, possibly due to its strong diet of Strongbow, Gaymers and Westons. Just make life easy for everyone in the club and do what the grumpy bastard says. Frances Pope: Secretary Religious people beware: her highly logical mind will convince you to renounce your faith. Saying that, she blatantly doesn’t know how to use a watch. Resident expert on how conversations work...apparently you need two or more people talking about the same thing. Carly Raines: Treasurer Possible seagull in disguise, originating from the landfill called Wigan. Mixed with alcohol it will perform a rather strange acrobatic routine around the streets of Aber - a possible mating ritual perhaps? Potential spy of the climbing club, and sworn enemy of the Lobby Gobblers (don’t ask - it’s a northern thing). Olivia Dawson: Tackle Wanker A very loud member of the club, second only to Toby when sober. If caught in close proximity it can be distracted away with a pretty hat, shiny tackle or alcohol - preferably Sam Smiths. Alex Jones: Social Sec A very social species, owing to the fact it never sleeps. Will often be found in the public houses of Aber spewing forth his dodgy political views. Collects assorted flags. A fan of heights...honestly, take him to tall buildings, cliffs, trees with SRT rope, the sea wall...he'll love it! Probably has the best cleavage of any club member. Henry Patton: Webmaster Collects emergency services. With the lifeboat still to go, avoid swimming in the sea with him. Emigrated from RUCC in search of more liberal views on facial hair. Holds an uncanny ability in being able to attract large quantities of water down streamways which he's caving through. Toby Collins Rarely found down a cave as most likely lost and ended up in the wrong county. It's surprising he manages to find the pub every week really. Tom Bowen Third member of the 'Three T-us' species. Follows a regular migration pattern back to the heart of T-land for the baked potato harvest. Josh Lasson Early member of the club, prone to lapses in safety. Rumours of a Polish descent. Hobbies include


arguing, dismantling stuff, arguing some more, and raiding bins for food. Chris Belton Club deviant. Females should approach with caution, especially those of larger proportions. Also, don't let him near a sandbox (see logbook). Can be spotted round Aber driving his girly coloured car. Also offers insightful relationship advice. Jason Martin A quieter species. Never been the same since the adventure down Simpson's Pot. Alison Ball Shares its habitat with the Jasonus Martinus. Proprietor of useful skills such as how to grow a vegetable patch in a welly, or how to fashion a table out of celery sticks. Growing old before her time, she may be in bed before socials even start watching recordings of Grand Designs. Matilda Poole Relatively new member of the club. Suffers severe reactions to alcohol. If found drunk, find a bucket immediately and vacate to the toilets. Xian Stannard Another climber, though we don't hold that against him. Known as the Club’s ‘canary’ – good person to have in your party if heading down Cuckoo Cleaves. Old gits who won't leave us alone (we love you really!) Barry Lawton Unhealthy obsession with Swildon's Hole (is there something we're missing down there?). If you ever need to know how a diesel engine works, then look no further. Make him cups of tea and he’ll be your friend for life. Rich Smith The bizarre lovechild between an HGV and a Nazi. Perhaps the only member to be able to pronounce Llygad Llwchwr. With a memory like a sieve, don’t ask him for directions down a cave as you’ll most likely be sent the opposite way into a tight rift which dead ends. Warning: very loud snorer. Ruth Allan Most commonly found on Mendip, usually trying to avoid doing any caving. Up for a good rescue though. Doesn’t mix well with aeroplanes and alcohol. Nathan Critchlow-Watton Perhaps the oldest of graduates to still occasionally cave with the ACC. Known for his affectionate, friendly humour, and meek, reticent nature, he would never consider such rash actions as 3 throwing stones at nervous freshers or hurling insensitive, random abuse.


ACC ADVENTURES. 30th May 2009, Tim, Toby, Henry and Alex set out on a day of drinking and relaxing in the sun with a while spent listening to music at Castell Rock. Maybe it was the several pints already consumed or the heat making Alex's hands perspire, but he managed to completely shatter a pint glass by dropping it from a height of around 5cm (no joke); once again making himself the centre of embarrassment. In my opinion he suffers from a 'Final Destination' embarrassment syndrome, even if he manages to avoid it, he knows it's gonna get him eventually. Tim Wiffen (President, 09).

OIi’s word-search. Can you spot the message (clues can be diagonal as well as up and down)?

A

T

M

P

Y

R

Z

I

I

E

H

I

L

T

X

Y

Z

O

F

J

P

J

W

B

B

Y

F

Y

D

O

B

G

J

I

E

A

W

B

J

A

J

V

J

S

B

T

J

B

A

T

S

R

D

J

U

I

W

X

M

X

Q

L

L

J

K

Q

J

B

B

X

K

O

D

W

T

U

A

U

N

M

E

Editors note * I do not understand this word search. I think it is a joke. I am certain I am the butt of it. I take no responsibility for the quality of either the word-search or the joke.

4


5


Uncle Stu, our (non) resident Agony Uncle replies to your queries and concerns. I bet you’re picturing an avuncular, jolly sort of person. Stu, that’s a jolly name, isn’t it? Conjures up images of Werther’s originals and hours spent playing with his train set. But he’s not that sort of uncle. More the sort your Mother brought back from the pub. on a Friday, you’d hear their bestial grunts and snuffles and hug your little sister tight to you, hoping not to see him silhouetted in the doorway, smelling of stale beer, cheap cigarettes and your mother, all overshadowed by his ammoniacal reek. He’s that sort of Uncle. (His views are in no way those of ACC, who are respectful, mutually supportive, and inclusive. We take no responsibility for them—ED.)

Dear Uncle Stu, I keep getting these terrible headaches, and continual earache. Could I have caught something from being fisted by young men in the toilets? Uncle Stu replies, Dear Jason, Those are both symptoms of the condition sub-digitalis; stand up to Alison once in a while and it might clear up. Or dump her. Actually, just dump her, ideally in a slurry lagoon. Dear Uncle Stu, I’m the President of ACC, and as such a heavy responsibility falls on my weasely shoulders. I’ve had a bit of bad luck with rescues recently, can you help me improve my technique? Uncle Stu replies, Tim, you’re a humourless cretin with no discernable abilities. Is your Dad proud of you? How can he be; you’re worse at caving than a penguin with muscular dystrophy. Generations of ACC presidents will hunt you down and kill you like the shameful dog you are. Dear Ms. Editor, please accept my humble submission for your esteemed organ (if you haven't finished playing with it yet). Yrs, etc. Rich Llewellyn Smith Ode to the Log Book. Some journals contain lots of notes Learned science and trip reports But the Log Book is a different stoat Full of abuse, obscene retorts Dirty rhymes and pubic hair Trip reports are fairly rare But ‘05's has girly underwear

Oh yes, you're free to self-express Descriptions of your dodgy rash Or prose completed with finesse Or drawn cartoons of Miss Whiplash Just one curb upon your pen: Men draw those of men and only women those of women

Every year it begins the same Fresher write-ups long and boring By month two a different game Long analyses of whoring Its manky pages stuck together Bodily fluids from whoever It smells a bit like beery leather

...and (or else castration by crochet hook) there is NO CENSORING of the LOG BOOK

6


More Uncle Stu. Dear Uncle Stu, I’m deeply loved by a pillock; he’s very nice, but rather cloying. How can I let him down gently – I feel responsible for him, but he just doesn’t do anything for me. Uncle Stu replies, Dear Liv, It’s so touching to be on the receiving end of first love. Can you feel Chris’ trust and adoration? Imagine Chris has given his heart to you; you cushion it in your hand and feel it beat lightly against your palms, it pulses with his deep devotion. It’s like a baby bird, fluttering gently against you. Close your hand. Crush it to a bloody pulp. You’ll be responsible when he goes all Mai Lai, but fuck it, they’re only Arabs. Dear Uncle Stu, No, really, what should I do? Uncle Stu replies, Liv, we all know what’s going to happen – even you. You’ll get bored of his pedestrian conversation, then you’ll settle down, work for the civil service and marry a version of your father. You’ll spawn two children who’ll resent you and, in time, move away (the irony won’t be lost on you), and your husband will leave you for a younger woman. The allure of the gin bottle will be too much and you’ll spend your final days surrounded by cats and smelling of piss. Dear Uncle Stu, I’ve got a new boyfriend, but my parents don’t understand him. How can I get them to see his good side? Uncle Stu replies, Carly, he hasn’t got a good side. He’s fairly harmless, but essentially a waste of skin. If you were my daughter I’d horsewhip him.

Log book quotes, pt. 1. ‘I want to save the children.’ (Chris). ‘I love chewing Lego.’ (Toby). ‘Oh wow! I’ve found a knot for tying up scissors.’ (Alex). ‘I want to felate hedgehogs.’ (Chris). Oli to Alex: ‘You got too much head too?’ Henry: ‘Yeah, it was the same barmaid.’ Henry: ‘You’re too broody – you’re only 21.’ Oli: ‘I know. That’s why I don’t want a baby yet. I just mean, when I’m 32…’ Henry: ‘…you’ll be unbearable!’ ‘Henry always tells me to use more tongue.’ (Alex).

7


Rescue Organisation Tick List. When collecting rescue organisations, we recommend this handy tick list to keep track of them. Add up your points to see how calamitous you are. Organisations collected (10pts each different service you have needed, no points for duplicates): Fire Brigade Ambulance Police Mountain Rescue Cave rescue Coast Guard Bomb Disposal Cliff Rescue Bonuses (5pts each, none for duplicates): Requirement of Inshore lifeboat Requirement of Helicopter Buildings had to be broken into for access Record here the incidents that required rescue services. 5pts for each event plus another 3 for each person saved by the service.

Date

Service

No. of people saved

Nature of incident

No. Points

Total points (points for services + bonuses + points for incidents):

How you rate 0 points

Have you lived?

1 – 20 points

A mere trifling with death is fine.

21 – 40 points

Average. Go and live some more and you’ll score better Must try harder.

41 – 60 points 61 – 80 points 81 – 100 points

Time to start taking life a little more seriously, you’re not immortal! Quite excessive, you can stop now.

100 – 150 points

Are you Henry?

151 points+

Champion collector. You need to be locked up in a padded cell and I’m sure you find a way to hurt yourself there.


Uncle Stu continued. Dear Uncle Stu, Despite trying to be nice, I seem to irritate people. Can you give me any advice to retain friends and – oh, look, a tree. Uncle Stu replies, Dear Josh, There’s nothing wrong with you a machete in the guts wouldn’t cure. Spending an hour in your company would make even Mother Teresa punch you in the cock. You’re lazy, pointless and shambolic. Dear Uncle Stu, Despite my history as a sex-pest, molesting under-age and barely conscious fat-birds, I seem to have stumbled across true love. I’m worried she’ll leave me when she realises I’m pigeon-toed and have the conversational abilities of a stunned ferret. How can I keep this wonderful, albeit slightly smelly, woman? Uncle Stu replies, Dear Chris, Please see my reply to Liv. I’m afraid it’s the same answer; she’ll leave you behind, and you’ll return to your depressing and unsatisfying short-term shags, each one killing you a bit more inside, until you end up on the street, shooting smack into your eyeballs. At which point Liv might pick you up again. Think of this as your long-term plan. Dear Uncle Stu, I’m a wacky kind of guy and try to show my sense of humour, but people never seem to remember my name. Uncle Stu replies, Alex, isn’t it? My second-favourite pencil has more character than you. You’re basically human wallpaper. And stop wearing that stupid fucking scarf, it makes you look a twat. Dear Uncle Stu, I don’t like to preach, but why don’t more members of the club open their hearts to Our Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ? There is too much drinking, drug-taking and casual sex; can you help us to lead them to the light? Uncle Stu replies, Dear Mathilda and “Xian” (and I can taste vomit at having to address you by that name), are you so weak that you need an imaginary friend to console you? There is no god; even if there were, do you truly believe he’d want to spend eternity in the company of people as tedious as you? I would be concerned that you’d get upset at my reply, but Christians love being persecuted, almost as much as you love persecuting others. Dear Uncle Stu, We, as anarchists, feel we have to object to the paternal tone of your advice, and the hierarchical structures you work within. Why can’t everyone like, just get along and, like, do what they want? Uncle Stu replies, Dear Alex and Liv, God, you bore me. The only justified anarchists are early 19th century Balkan peasants; every other anarchist is a self-satisfied middle-class drone trying desperately to get a reaction from their indulgent parents. Grow up. 9


Dear Uncle Stu, 01001001 00100000 01101111 01101110 01101100 01111001 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110010 01100101 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101110 01110101 01101101 01100010 01100101 01110010 01110011 00111011 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110011 01100101 01111000 00111111 Uncle Stu replies, Dear Fran, You autistic spacktard. Try relaxing, enjoying life and maybe getting laid. ED’s Note. This actually says something. It can be translated on tinternet. I think Rich said it was ASCII. He translated the first letter in his head after getting stubborn, but before being distracted by the Queen Vic.

Dear Uncle Stu, We’re all so ace, we’re the wunderkind, with the best exam results ever. You must be upset you graduated so long ago, when people were so stupid. Uncle Stu replies, Dear all modern students, Firstly, I had to edit your letter for grammar and spelling (it’s probably pointless telling you that exam. should have a full-stop after it). Secondly, you are the final dull glow of a dying civilisation. University was for the officer-class elite; dross like you are better suited to third-rate polytechnics. Crawl back to your provincial towns and breed cannon-fodder like Chris, it’s all you’re fit for. Website. Some people have lives. Some, in an attempt to cultivate a social life, join a caving club. Of these the cool ones, such as my self, intrepidly explore the underground, open up new cough mines cough cough, and come face to face with death on a not irregular bases. We dance on table tops in club huts, we make friends with cavers, and explore watering holes in limestone areas.. Some people do not. Some peoples life failure extends so far it encompasses website design. Henry Patton is one of these sad fools. Warm his sad little heart by checking out www.abercavers.co.uk Due to a computing and editorial fuck up it became necessary to fill this space. I made my way to www.abercavers.co.uk in an attempt to find something amusing, worth while, or even just publishable in this hallowed magazine format. Suffice to say I am currently writing vitriol on the morning of fresher's fair, wired on sleep dep. and caffeine. www.abercavers.co.uk has nothing on it except useful information about caving gear, the trips we did last academic year, the trips we have planned, the committee (useless fucks), caving in general and funny videos. In short it is a big pile of wank. On the subject of sad fucks with no lives I feel one Rich Ll. Smith deserves a ‘special’ mention. For the time he’s wasted finding, scanning and formatting the back editions of thrutch, the predecessor before last of the magazine your currently holding. The truly tragic aspect of this is that Rich has a girlfriend. At lest Henry hasn't got laid in years.

10


Caption competition. For the lucky winner of this issues competition the prize will be another game! Turn any boring SRT trip into Russian roulette with your prize of ACCs 9mil 100 meter rope. A personal relic of the Nathan era for the winner of the caption competition. What slogan can you think of to adorn this image (Left)? Henry Patton won the last issues prize of Vaseline to stop water ingress in to his light battery, and a back up light for when he fails to use it! Join me in laughing at: Alex’s first rigging practice ended in a fail

Quotes from the log book (pt.2). ‘What’s the donkey from Shrek called?’ (Toby). ‘Do you want to split a 4-pack, Rich?’ (Chris…getting old). ACC to Rich: ‘Chris says your dad is an HGV and your mum is a nazi’ Rich: ‘My dad’s not an HGV!’ Alex: ‘Henry, you shouldn’t have asked me to hold you closer.’ Henry: ‘But I needed you to hold me!’ ‘It only hurts when I get excited.’ (Henry). ‘Barry said it’s about “this long”, but when I found out, I kept thrashing and thrashing.’ (Frances on horizontal techniques with Barry).

11


Buddy Can You Spare a Pint? - Alex Jones to the tune of ‘Brother Can You Spare a Dime.’ Once I caved in Swildons, I did the sump I did the sump first time. Once I caved in Swildons, and now I'm done Buddy can you spare a pint?

Once I caved in Bar Pot, far from the sun I caved it just fine Once I caved in Bar Pot far from the sun Buddy can you spare a pint?

I really need a shower, now we're done Mud and clay and slime I really need a shower, now we're done Buddy can you spare a pint?

Abseiled down in terror, it was fun Stop, ascender and line Abseiled down in terror, now I'm done Buddy can you spare a pint?

Once in oversuits Gee, we looked swell Full of that yankee doodle de dum Dirty Wellington boots went slogging through hell I was the kid at the sump

Once in oversuits Gee, we looked swell Full of that yankee doodle de dum Dirty Wellington boots went slogging through hell I was the kid with the stop

Say don't you remember, they called me Al It was Al all the time Say don't you remember, I'm your pal! Buddy can you spare a pint?

Say don't you remember, they called me Al It was Al all the time Say don't you remember, I'm your pal! Buddy can you spare a pint?

Chris’ proper caving article, a discussion of the rival merits of Stops and Go's. I don't like Stops, they make you stop. I like Go’s, they make you go. Don't use Stops, they're fucking shit, Use Go’s. ED. I know there shouldn't by an apostrophe in ‘Go’s.’ you try and pluralise it in a grammatically correct yet understandable manner.

Yet more Uncle Stu. Dear Uncle Stu, I used to run ACC, and I come along to help out on trips sometimes. I fit in well, and lots of the girls fancy me, which is a bit embarrassing. How can I keep things professional? Uncle Stu replies, Dear Nathan, They only tolerate you because you can take them round a cave. They pity your desperate attempts to hold on to your fading youth, (youth? What youth? That faded ) and the girls find you about as sexy as Alan Partridge. Give it up and accept the slow fading of the light and your descent into loneliness, despair and alcoholism. Dear Uncle Stu, The older man normally attracts girls, despite my gentle nature I haven’t had a touch in years. What am I doing wrong? Uncle Stu replies, Dear Henry, It’s because you look like a Victorian rent-boy, they assume you have the bad AIDS. That and the whiff of despair you emit. Try roughing one of them up; chicks love that. 12


Last of 08-09s log book highlights. Oww. I just electrocuted my nose. (Josh). Alex: ‘No, I can’t buy that hat. I’d look like a wannabe revolutionary.’ Alex, trying another hat: ‘I wouldn’t wear that hat. I don’t wear green.’ (Both said while wearing his green t-shirt with revolutionary slogan). Alex: ‘There’s one big difference between you and I.’ Frances: ‘My parents loved me?’ ‘I smell tourists!’ (Steve, in Peak Cavern). Chris (on Philip K. Dick): ‘He was quite prolific.’ Oli: ‘As were you.’ Chris: ‘The thing is, they were all quite skinny.’ Oli: ‘None of yours were darling.’

Mendips– what's the point? Chris Belton. The limestone in the Mendips is inclined at 45 degrees, meaning that most caves aren't vertical enough to be proper pots. They are merely vertical enough to be annoying, see Eastwater for further details. A cave of entire pointlessness. Its a big pile of wank at 45 degrees. It’s shit. Miserable– but not with enough misery to recommend it. Rumour has it the are 5 decent caveson Mendip, actually worth doing. Of these all but one are permanently denied access. This leads me to believe that these are ‘slightly’ overstated in their ‘brilliance’. The other cave that is halfway decent is Swildons, which has a couple of half decent trips in it, but it’s always infested with fresher's, Mendip ‘cavers’, and other people who don't know the first thing about caving. It’s probably just as well that there is no system worth doing on Mendip, as I hate to think what would happen if anything went wrong. The MRO are a bunch of fat, aging has-beens who couldn't rescue a fly from a pint. They don't even have a fucking callout list. 90% of the caves on Mendip are under 20m long (read the guide book) and most of these have been dug for almost the entirety of their length. What's the point? The lack of cave has led to lots of digging. 370 tons dug out of Caine Hill, and still no cave. See Belfry Bulletin 532 for the story of this engineered non-cave. Cavers were recently overjoyed to discover a 10 foot, old mine-shaft after days of digging. They are currently mining the end of this tunnel as their pathetic attempts to find the ’Mendip master cave’ continue. ‘The Mendip master cave.’ Wishful thinking has it that all the caves on Mendip connect to make the biggest cave in the U.K, maybe the world. Furthermore Mendips sorry excuse for cavers believe that they will find it. You would have to be crazy on acid to believe any of this. The Mendip master cave does not exist. Deal with it. Editors note. We at ‘Oh Henry,’ hope ‘What’s the point?’ will become an occasional series. We have commissioned more articles, including ‘Yorkshire-What's t’ point?’ and ‘Chris Belton– What's the point? 13


A Cavers Dictionary– Olivia Dawson. Common caving calls and their meanings. ‘Below.’- Yell this when dropping something heavy off a pitch. This ensures it will land smack in your mates face, upturned as they yell back ‘what?’ ‘Shitting Fuck.’- Has the same meaning as ‘below,’ but appropriate for situations when you suspect you will have to pay for the item dropped.

Common caving terms and their meanings. ‘Fun.’- This is a technical term, meaning cold, wet, miserable, protracted and difficult. ‘Interesting.’- Like ‘fun’, but worse.

‘Ka-Ka, Ka-Ka.’- Means anything from ‘I am having a fantastic time,’ through ‘police officers go home,’ to ‘can I steal your chips?’

‘Technical.’- Sometimes combined with the words ‘fun’ and ‘interesting’. Always means difficult. Often means ‘should have fixed aids’ or ‘fixed aids should have been replaced in the mid ’90s.’ Occasionally, and worryingly, means ’why are these fixed aids made of hemp?’

‘Tikká Tikká Tikká.’– As for ‘Ka-Ka, KaKa,’ but with the secondary meaning of ‘I am drunk, stood in the middle of the road and doing a silly dance.’

‘Thrutch.’- Difficult, tight, nasty. Usually crawling upwards at an angle somewhere between 45 and 70 degrees. Sometimes exposed.

‘Rope Free.’– Everyone is hanging about around a pitch, getting cold and wet.

‘Caving challenge.’– Always meaning ‘kiss your self respect and dignity good bye.’ Sometimes meaning ‘I am going to be stuck, awaiting rescue, looking at most of my clothes, (discarded in an attempt to free myself) covered in washing up liquid, lard, or used chip fat.’

Geography, its secrets revealed. Mendip.– Piss up/ Oli wants a piss up/ no one wants to do proper caving. Yorkshire. - Avoid at all costs. South Wales. - Petrol is very expensive at the moment. Derbyshire.– A place we are not yet known. A470.– Somewhere you spend so much time it feels like home. Devon.– A bit like Cornwall, but apparently better in every way. Rumoured to have caves. Mainly of interest as the home of Henry’s tractor collection. Scotland.– Home of ten meter deep mudfests, or ‘digs’ as they are known in the locals archaic dialect. Also houses Nathan. Home of the brave? You’d fucking have to be.

‘Pitch.’- Alex is not on this trip ‘Mendip trip.’ - We’re going down the pub. ‘Wet.’- Hellish ‘Mud.’ - Hellish ‘Hellish.’ – A really good trip that leaves one feeling ‘satisfied and content.’ ‘Satisfied and content.’ - Battered, bruised, aching, covered in mud. ‘I don't like the look of that.’- Man Up And Do It. However if caving with a certain someone take, and at this point check, your own survey. Read your own guide book and pray to your own god.

14


Trip Reports. Bridge Cave by Toby Collins, aged 19 and a Eldon Hole. A fun day out by Chris Belton aged half. 27 and one week and a half. I like Bridge Cave. Its underground and dark and has a bridge and is easy to get lost. (ED. It’s really not. Even by Toby's standards getting lost in Bridge is good going).

We went to Eldon hole. Oli learnt to pass knots. We found a dead sheep. It was sunny. We climbed out. The boulder choke was interesting. I leant We will go back for it on Monday. against the support and Alex yelled at me. The end. :-) Yo-yo’s are fun!!! We shuffled over the bridge, it was scary and fun. Alex only did it once, he was scared. Eldon Hole. An example of Chris’ incompetence, by Olivia Dawson aged 21 and two thirds. It wasn't a pretty cave but I liked it anyway. This trip was supposed to be rigging practice for Caving May Ball, by Frances Louise Pope, me. We studied the rigging guide before selectaged 20 and a half. ing the North Gully as the most suitable decent. We wrote it down, sorted our ropes and away we We went to Goatchurch entrance series with went. nibbles, cava and formal wear. Chris demonstrated the map skills that make him We had quite a good ball in there, with photos an army legend so we parked and kitted up in the and some dancing. See Facebook. wrong place. We then failed to establish which direction was North, a fact we didn't come to apRose Cottage by Tim Wiffen, aged 19 and a preciate till we reached the hole. half. Armed with our now useless rigging guide Chris Friday evening Chris, Oli and I decided to go went down, after we decided this was a step to down Rose Cottage Cave. far for me. Missing p-hangers left and centre he descended and I followed. We walked over to the cave and Chris trod on the hose thing that made all the smelly water Our ropes did not appear to be the right length go down the cave. for this route, so Chris was forced to knot them twice. I had never passed a knot before, so the We climbed down the ladder and couldn’t find learning aspect of the trip was fulfilled. the right way for a while, The end of this article was never written. Or if it was I didn't lose it. ED.

Calf Holes by Henry Patton, aged 22, 11 months, two weeks and a day.

When we got to the bottom the was a dead sheep, which we returned for (with me rigging), the next day. As the sheep blocked the way on we turned back and i de-rigged. On the surface it became apparent it was our chosen route down after all.

Easy cave for the last day. Pete had done it many years ago and it was a new one for me. Ogof Rhyd Sych by Henry Patton, aged 23 and 5 Alex had forgotten his helmet so only did the days first pitch. He also de-rigged while Pete and I did the rest Never found It. 15 of the cave.


Caving Games. #1. Sling and Saucepan. • How to: A team of two has to balance on an upturned saucepan and attempt to pass a sling from the floor, up and over their bodies. Only one of the players is allowed to touch the pan. • The Winner: The sling is tightened and any successful teams try the challenge again. • here are usually no actual winners as either everyone finds it impossible simultaneously or two teams refuse to concede defeat and everyone else leaves them to it.

• The Dangers: i) Loss of dignity as you are forced to remove ever more articles of clothing to get the sling over your protruding body parts. • ii) Falling off the saucepan while trussed to another person and landing on the furniture/ the audience/ the Belfry stove. • iii) Inadvertent innuendo from your partner, as demonstrated here by Henry: “Hold me Alex! I need you to hold me tighter!”

Chris’ poetry corner. Taste. Decency. My desire for the caving club to sleep untroubled by nightmares, and to digest untroubled by retching... all led to me thinking this should be binned. The high number of you who failed to contribute anything mean that space demands dictated that i didn’t. I hold you all responsible. ED. LOVE SONG

POEM

Gazing into your eyes gives me such a thrill, Oh, its better than abseiling into Sell Gill. Oh yes, I hope you’ll part your silken thighs, Every time I gaze into your clear blue eyes.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I like caves and I love you too.

Life without you would just be so barren, You are tighter, even, than Daren. To be together- it must be our fate. You’re sexier than the epileptic in P8. She regressed to about the age of three, But you are hotter, by far, than she There’s just one problem- you’re not that fat! You’re skinnier than Bertie Bat. I know when caving you won’t get stuck, In Dallimores, the cheese press,- no such luckOh well, there's still plenty of fat girls to fuck. 16


A.C.C.

The Real Underground Movement ‘Nearly five body bags!’ Cave Rescue.

‘Aberystwyth Caving Club? Ummm... They’re almost defiantly a club’ Gavin, from the Union sports office.

‘I have a spoon, it’s a wooden spoon’ Josh, former president, ACC.

‘I thoroughly oppose the existence off the ACC and all its members. The international community must come together to eliminate this epidemic.’ Margaret

Chan, Director-General of the World Health Organization.

‘I just wish they weren't so enthusiastic about getting lifeboats down caves.’ Head of RNLI.

‘Ask not what the caving club can do for you, but what you can do to make the caving club leave you alone.’ J.F. Kennedy, former president, guild of students.

Oh Henry 1  

Journal of the Aberystwyth Caving Club

Advertisement