Xavier Newswire 4/1/16

Page 1

Published by your mom since 1915

In tartarus putre, stulte

Density CI Issue 26

April 1, 2016

Dads visiting Hoff buy passes for struggle bus BY HENRY EDEN Simpering Idiot While stopping by campus to visit his son Connor during a short business trip to Cincinnati, Xavier dad Walt Smitts reportedly struggled to navigate his way through Hoff Dining Commons. After touring some of the buildings on campus, Smitts was eager to see the cafeteria. “I’m dying to see where Connor hangs out and eats with his buddies,â€? Smitts said. 7KH Ă€UVW VLJQ RI WURXEOH FDPH ZKHQ 6PLWWV Ă€UVW HQWHUHG WKH FDIeteria by walking past a line of students queuing to swipe their All Cards. After being tracked down by an employee, he paid the $14 lunch rate. “I pay enough money to this school already,â€? said Smitts when the meal plan system was explained to him by his son. “I think I should be able to grab a coke if I want one.â€? Smitts set his ball cap and jacket down at a nearby table

and joined the line of students waiting for a drink during the Tuesday lunch rush. “Gosh, this looks neat,â€? Smitts remarked as he approached the front of the line. $IWHU VHFRQGV RI Ă€JXULQJ RXW WKH QHFHVVDU\ Ă€QJHU SUHVVXUH needed to select one of the machine’s options, Smitts appeared frustrated. “What the heck? Where did they make this thing? Mars?â€? Smitts muttered as he repeatedly pressed the button, without havLQJ PDGH D Ă€QDO VHOHFWLRQ Frustrated senior Steve Richardson reportedly leaned over Smitts shoulder in an attempt to expedite the process. “You have to pick one of WKH Ă DYRUV EHIRUH LW ZLOO ZRUN Âľ Richardson explained. “You have orange, cherry, raspberry and cherry vanilla.â€? After Smitts stated that he just wanted a “regular old Coke,â€? Richardson selected the option for him and instructed him to

use the button to dispense the drink. Moments later, Tom McKinley, father of touring student Sarah McKinley, also struggled to decipher the various combinations of carbonated and and low-calorie beverages offered in the machine. Smitts, walking by after being scolded by workers when trying to serve himself a French-dip sandwich, noticed the trouble. “It’s a bit tricky. You have to select the type of drink you want and then select again if you want D FHUWDLQ Ă DYRU Âľ 6PLWWV DGYLVHG his fellow father. ´, KDG WURXEOH P\ Ă€UVW WLPH around,â€? Smitts said to the group of prospective students and parents on the tour with the McKinleys. “Nothing was this complicated when we were in school!â€? The two reportedly shared a lengthy chuckle while McKinley continued to hold up the line for the machine.

In this issue... Campus News, page 2

SAC requests $13 milOLRQ IRU PRQH\ ÀOOHG swimming pool at XavierFest. Campus News, page 3

BREAKING: Rats LQWHUUXSWHG PLG RUJ\ in Fenwick elevator. Op-Ed, page 5

333 VWXGHQWV MDFN RII LQ ZRUGV A&E, page 7 Grant Vance is a punk bitch, sources FRQĂ€UP Features, page 8 ,I \RX KDYHQ¡W IRXQG a typo yet you’re FDUU\LQJ WKLV DURXQG WR ORRN LQIRUPHG Sports, page 6 All your Crowstown Shootout coverage in one place.

Xavier bans offensive terms Everyday hero:

BY TATUM HUNTER Moldy Pancake

want to look like a dick. “First-year students are a marThe Xavier administration is ginalized group. In fact, they are ramping up its efforts to eliminate probably the most marginalized offensive language on campus and group on this campus,â€? Rogers Ă€QG PRUH UHVSHFWIXO DOWHUQDWLYHV said. “If we can make their lives This project began a few years better by reimagining the words we DJR ZLWK WKH XQLYHUVLW\¡V RIĂ€FLDO use, then we can do the same for condemnation of one of the other marginalized groups on cammost offensive terms in contem- pus, like professors, top adminisporary parlance: freshman. trators, and straight white men.â€? “Calling someone a ‘freshThe new and improved list inman’ is extremely discriminato- cludes many changes: Seniors will ry,â€? said Sarah Rogers, director now be referred to as “last-years,â€? of Xavier’s Committee for the tenured professors as “too-maIgnoring of Actual Problems ny-yearsâ€? and Chris Mack as (CIAP). “This term implies that “maybe-two-more-years.â€? a student was a high school seOther changes include the nior last year and will be a col- rebranding of the “Crosstown lege sophomore next year. How Shootoutâ€? as the “Two Schools would you like it if someone said Hugging,â€? the annual Pig Roast that about you?â€? party as the “Community-Friendly The CIAP encouraged all stu- Fun Bonanzaâ€? and Fr. Graham as GHQWV WR XVH WKH WHUP ´Ă€UVW \HDUÂľ “Our Really Friendly President instead. Yes He Is Don’t Argue.â€? “‘First-year’ is better because it The Newswire asked Rogers if avoids the harmful stereotype that any of the new terminology will a student just arriving on campus address hurtful language directed is new to campus,â€? Rogers said. at students of color, queer stuBecause of its success getting dents and women on campus. the Xavier community to adopt “Um, your use of the term ‘cam´Ă€UVW \HDUÂľ LQ SODFH RI ´IUHVK- pus’ is very troubling to me,â€? she man,â€? the CIAP has decided to roll replied. “That word is exclusionary out an extended list of words that because it implies that there are placwe should probably say if we don’t es outside of campus. We don’t want

anyone to feel like an outsider.â€? Below is the complete list of vocabulary changes endorsed by the CIAP. For more information, visit www.xavier.edu/ headsupourasses. ‡ 3HS EDQG NLGV Čş (TXDOO\ LPportant contributors to the basketball program ‡ 0DQUHVD Čş 1LJKWPDUH &XOW Week ‡ %URFNPDQ VWRRS NLGV Čş 7KH Night’s Watch ‡ %URFNPDQ SLW ER\V Čş 3HDFHIXO basement dwellers ‡ 2¡&RQQRU ZHLJKW URRP Čş SausageFest 2016 ‡ *UHHQVSDFH )ULVEHH WKURZHUV Čş +DSKD]DUG GLVF OREEHUV ‡ %XHQJHU Čş *HW7R.QRZ+HU ‡ 'HYRXW &DWKROLF VWXGHQWV Čş self-righteous nerds ‡ Newswire HPSOR\HHV Čş PHDQ self-righteous nerds ‡ &/& QG Ă RRU Čş &/& WK Ă RRU ‡ 7KDW FUHHS\ VWDWXH RXWVLGH )HQZLFN Čş 7KDW KHDUWZDUPLQJ memorial outside Fenwick ‡ &DI VXVKL Čş (GLEOH IRRG ‡ 5 ORW Čş 6DIH QLJKWWLPH ZDONing place ‡ 8QLYHUVLW\ VWDWLRQ Čş %XVWOLQJ center of industry ‡ *2$ Čş ,QVXOW WR LQWHOOLJHQFH (ITI)

XUPD profiles

BY GRANT VANCE Punk Bitch

the kid for a $90 citation. When he gets going he’s a god damn ;DYLHU 3ROLFH RIĂ€FHU 5RGQH\ soldier.â€? McClane was held to high esteem 3ULRU WR WKLV DZDUG 0F/DQH last Thursday for a prestigious was best known for his 2010 inimedal of honor. After ten years tiative to ban all student parking RQ WKH IRUFH KH ZDV Ă€QDOO\ UHF- on campus. ognized for his work distributing “I don’t see why students upwards of 180 parking tickets even need to park,â€? McClane per week to students, keeping VDLG ´:KDW LI D Ă€UHWUXFN QHHGV campus parking lots safe. to get through a parking lot? Or “It’s all about defending the an alumni is visiting? In that case honor of parking services for they deserve at least three spots. me,â€? McClane said next to his Students just don’t get it.â€? squad car, parked horizontally Regulating parking for the facing Currito. “I’m no hero, but sake of the law isn’t the end of I certainly sleep better knowing McClane’s war on student parkvacant parking spots are left that ing. He is also very outspoken way.â€? LQ KLV Ă€JKW IRU SDUNLQJ VSRW McClane works night and day sustainability. to ensure no parking spot is left “He’s always deeply cared for unprotected. His peers admire the well-being of that precious him for his service and work to black space between those ellive up to his example. egant, incomplete yellow rect“Rodney’s a helluva ticket dis- angles,â€? Sgt. Gamble said next WULEXWRU Âľ 2IĂ€FHU -RH /RHE VDLG to his squad car, parked just next to his squad car, parked di- inside the door of Smith Hall. agonally on a near-by sidewalk. “Once saw the guy ticket a student parked in an empty lot for Continued on page 2. OHVV WKDQ Ă€YH PLQXWHV :RUNHG

2 Edited by: Ray Humienny rt.anemone@clubpenguin.com

Xavier Crowswire

Campus Shoutout

Thank you, Blue

BY JONATHAN HOGUE

Crab Rangoon Connoisseur While this week’s Newswire articles are satirical, this submission is straight from the heart. Newswire staff works every Tuesday to give the Xavier community critical and enlightening content each week. While we rely on each other, we believe our work couldn’t be done without the help of Blue Gibbon and Eugene. Several page and copy editors visit the Blue Gibbon before Tuesday’s editing process. While the stories change, our feelings toward Blue Gibbon and Eugene never do. Eugene is one of ;DYLHU¡V Ă€QHVW Students admire Eugene for his smile, warm demeanor and way of making every meal a good one. Newswire Campus News Editor Jessica Griggs believes very powerfully in the Gib. “If it

wasn’t for Eugene and ‘the Gib’s’ presence, I know the Newswire’s Tuesday nights would not be the same.â€? It’s not enough for the students to visit Blue Gibbon and not give Eugene his proper dues. On behalf of the Newswire, we would like to thank Eugene for his tireless work in fueling this institution. We know there are several people who make Blue *LEERQ D Ă€[WXUH RQ FDPSXV but the Newswire wants to personally thank Eugene for his dedication to our paper and stomachs. Opinions and Editorial Editor Jonathan Hogue knows Blue Gibbon is an essential part of being a Newswire staff member. ´(XJHQH LV D Ă€[WXUH RI RXU HGiting process because his smile is the highlight of Tuesday’s hectic

April 1, 2016

Gibbon

schedule. Putting together a 12 page newspaper in one night is GLIÀFXOW EXW ZLWK FUDE 5DQJRRQ and sweet and sour chicken the Newswire LV DEOH WR IXOÀOO LWV FRPmitment to the Xavier community. This is due in large part to Eugene’s dedication to his customers.� Xavier: The Newswire hopes you take the time to appreciate the men and women who fuel this campus day in and out. Young men and women can’t represent Jesuit values on an empty stomach. Eugene and so many of Xavier’s food staff deserve our thanks for their tireless work to support the community. So to Eugene: Thank you for being a good friend to the Newswire staff. We appreciate your work and will see you on Tuesday for DQRWKHU YLVLW ÀOOHG ZLWK 5DQJRRQ and smiles.

Tours lie about XU Everyday hero:

BY ABRENA ROWE Wyoming Cattle Whisperer Thanks to the basketball team, Xavier has seen a drastic decrease in enrollment since the loss against Wisconsin. Incoming freshmen for the 2016-17 year have reported they’d rather attend Villanova University if they are to subject themselves to a religious institution for college. “I personally see myself amongst winners for my future, no offense,� an ignorant high schooler said. “And the fact that Villanova made it to the Final Four just puts them above Xavier for me right now.� To make up for the unforeseen losses, Xavier tour guides are being forced into lying to their groups as they show them what it’s like to be “men and women for others.� Tour guides are selling Xavier as an institution that is priced reasonably and affordably, hiding the fact that as soon as students commit to Xavier, most are forced to take out loans that their grandchil-

dren will be paying for. “You’ll receive multiple in-app QRWLĂ€FDWLRQV WKURXJK WKH ;DYLHU DSS that can be downloaded through the Google Play Store or the Android App Store,â€? a tour guide claims. “You’ll know when your classes begin and end and when a professor is going to be late so you don’t have to get out of bed and can sleep that H[WUD Ă€YH PLQXWHV 7KH DSS OHWV \RX know when your laundry is ready, and if you’re the person who just leaves their clothes in a machine for KRXUV WKH DSS DOVR QRWLĂ€HV \RX ZKHQ someone is putting your clothes on top of the machine!â€? “It is top-of-the-line technology that only Xavier has. It keeps you tapped into the community more than any other school around. You know exactly what’s happening at all times.â€? Recently, tour guides have been pushing the concert series that SAC has been putting on for the students, selling nosebleed seats at a discounted price so students

have an opportunity to experience the music culture that Cincinnati has to offer. When sold this way, it IDOOV D OLWWOH Ă DW VR 7RXU JXLGHV KDYH taken a slightly different approach in their marketing of this amazing experience. Tour guides have recently been caught in their lies, telling incoming freshmen that the tickets being RIIHUHG DUH Ă RRU VHDWV DQG WKHUH LV the chance of being lucky enough to win a back stage pass to meet their musical idol, BeyoncĂŠ. “The Student Activities Association, better known as SAC, has the largest sack ‌ of money amongst clubs, so of course they offer amazing opportunities like this for the students.â€? When approached about the OLHV WKH $GPLVVLRQV 2IĂ€FH GHQLHG all claims made against them. “We would never spread anything false about Xavier, nothing we don’t believe the school is capable of doing. All for one and one for all!â€?

;83' SURÀOHV CONT’D FROM PAGE 1

“These spots, they mean a lot to the university. They have to stay in good shape for home basketball game parking. McClane gets that. His activism and care has gone a long way,� Gamble said. In his free time, McClane often reapplies paint to the lots and nurtures the gravel with mineralenhancing spray. “I love parking lots almost as much as upholding important regulations,� McClane said, closely watching a nearly expired park-

ing meter with a citation in hand. “Eventually this entire campus will be a parking lot for me to care and tend to.â€? McClane has big plans for Xavier parking moving forward from receiving his award. ´7KLV LV MXVW WKH Ă€UVW VWHS My hope is that eventually students will become parking spots. Everything will relate to parking.â€? McClane solemnly steps to the massive arched window in his study, peering out to a parking lot in the distance. “Everything.â€?

Xavier Crowswire Edited by: Jessica Griggs Don’t contact me.

This page is, like, totally lit

3 April 1, 2016

Trump slandered! What does SGA do? Rubio = mean girl BY LUKE BYERLY & LLAMA

BY JONATHAN HOGUE Crab Rangoon Connoisseur

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Socrates Wannabes ,Q D EULOOLDQW HIIRUW WR EHQHĂ€W WKH ;DYLHU FRPPXQLW\ 6*$ KDV FRPH XS ZLWK WKH groundEUHDNLQJ ,QLWLDWLYH )RXU ZKLFK DLPV to improve the ;DYLHU H[SHULHQFH This initiative conWDLQV QR NQRZQ SURSRVals for actual changes and is estimated to cost WULOOLRQ ZKLFK PD\ VOLJKWO\ UDLVH WXLWLRQ 0DQ\ VWXGHQWV KRZHYHU DUH FRQcerned about the changes that PD\ RU PD\ QRW EH KDSSHQLQJ “These FKDQJHV ZLOO SRVVLEO\ LPSDFW HYHU\ERG\ LQ ZD\V ZKLFK , OLWHUDOO\ FDQQRW describe! We GHPDQG DQVZHUV IURP ZKRPHYHU LV LQYROYHG LQ WKLV LQLWLDWLYH DQG ZH ZLOO QRW TXLW XQWLO ZH JHW WKHP 5DEEOH UDEEOH UDEEOH UDEEOH Âľ 5RJHU -HQNLQV ;DYLHU $OXPQXV RI ZKR OLYHV LQ %URFNPDQ VDLG 'XVWLQ /HZLV $VVRFLDWH 'LUHFWRU RI 6WXGHQW ,QYROYHPHQW and Director of Student 8QLQYROYHPHQW UHVSRQGHG WR these concerns in a heartfelt letter WKDW ZDV IRXQG KLGGHQ RQ FDPSXV LQ DQ (DVWHU HJJ “When students become DZDUH RI DQ\ SRWHQWLDO FKDQJH WKH\ EHFRPH YHU\ IOXVWHUHG DQG YLROHQW 7R DYRLG WKHVH IHHOLQJV

] 6 March 25, 3:27 a.m. Xavier Police and Cincinnati Fire and Rescue responded to Brockman Hall for a smoke DODUP $Q LQYHVWLJDWLRQ GHWHUmined that marijuana-scented KDLUVSUD\ ZDV WKH FDXVH RI WKH DODUP

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March 26, 4:35 p.m. - $ student reported that his or her SXUVH ZDV VWROHQ ZKLOH KH RU VKH ZDV VLWWLQJ RXWVLGH RI WKH 6WDUEXFNV LQ 8 6WDWLRQ 7KH student reported that he or she ZDV XQDEOH WR SXUVXH WKH WKLHI EHFDXVH WKH EDWWHU\ LQ KLV RU KHU 6ZDJZD\ ZDV GHDG

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Humpty Dumpty started a brawl March 23, 10:20 a.m. - Xavier Police responded to the Hoff Dining Commons to break up D ÀJKW EHWZHHQ WZR VWXGHQWV 7KH ÀJKW UHSRUWHGO\ VWDUWHG ZKHQ RQH RI WKH VWXGHQWV UHceived the last fresh egg in the RPHOHW OLQH

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Sure, solidarity, yeah BY JONATHAN HOGUE

Jon Hogue Look Alike Runner-Up ´6WXGHQWV QHHG DQ RSSRUWXQLW\ WR EH LQ VROLGDULW\ ZLWK FRPPXQLWLHV RXWVLGH RI WKHLU RZQ DQG ZH¡UH H[FLWHG WR RIIHU D IUHVK H[FLWLQJ H[SHULHQFH IRU 0XVNHWHHUV Âľ Marsha Musketeer in the Center IRU ,QWHUQDWLRQDO (GXFDWLRQ VDLG )RU \HDUV ;DYLHU VWXGHQWV KDYH immersed themselves in commuQLWLHV DURXQG WKH ZRUOG LQ RUGHU WR ZRUN IRU DQG ZLWK RWKHUV 7KH 2IĂ€FH RI ,QWHUQDWLRQDO (GXFDWLRQ DQG &HQWHU IRU )DLWK DQG -XVWLFH DORQJ ZLWK RXWVLGH JURXSV DUH RIIHULQJ D ZHHNORQJ LPPHUVLRQ WULS WR WKH 1RUZRRG .URJHU ORFDWLRQ WR EULQJ WKLV IXQ KRPH “Xavier students have some less than accurate perceptions DERXW 1RUZRRG DQG VSHFLĂ€FDOO\ WKH Âś.URJKHWWR¡ ORFDWLRQ 7KLV WULS LV GHVLJQHG WR VKRZ VWXGHQWV WKDW 1RUZRRG UHVLGHQWV DUH MXVW OLNH WKHP Âľ &)- 'LUHFWRU 5RQQLH %ORE VDLG 6HYHUDO VWXGHQWV LPPHGLDWHO\ H[pressed interest in the trip and offered to lead efforts for marketing WKH SURJUDP WR VNHSWLFDO VWXGHQWV $GPLQLVWUDWRUV DOVR SLWFKHG PDQ\ RI WKH SURJUDP¡V HYHQWV

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4

Bitching

April 1, 2016

Xavier Crowswire Edited by: Jonathan S. Hogue brentraines@jonhogue.com

XAVIER NEWSWIRE Newswire presidential Endorsement

Copyright 2016

Circulation: Too many to count son

Does Nothing TATUM HUNTER Tiny Boss Man GRANT F. VANCE Chief Whiner JONATHAN S. HOGUE Grammar Nazi AYANA ROWE 8QSDLG ,QWHUQ ANDREW UTZ The Interwebs, We Think? ALFRED NWANKWO Groupies: NICK BERGEMAN, MAX BRUNS, MAX CREAGER, ALAN GONOZALEZ, JAMES NEYER, ABRENA ROWE, ELLEN SIEFKE Tumblr Hipster: MAC SCHROEDER Sportsketball Picture Takers: ADAM SPEGELE & THOMAS VON AHLEFELD ,QVWDJUDP $IĂ€FLDQDGRV JESSICA BANNON, SARABETH CUDDIHY, ALEX HERTZFELD

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Seventh Amendment to the United States’ Constitution

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy VKDOO H[FHHG WZHQW\ GROODUV WKH ULJKW RI WULDO E\ MXU\ VKDOO EH SUHVHUYHG DQG QR IDFW WULHG E\ D MXU\ VKDOO EH RWKHUZLVH UH H[DPLQHG LQ DQ\ &RXUW RI WKH 8QLWHG 6WDWHV WKDQ DFFRUGLQJ WR WKH UXOHV RI WKH FRPPRQ ODZ

7KH 3UHVLGHQWLDO (OHFWLRQ KDV SXOOHG WKH VWUDQJH RXW IRU ERWK RI $PHULFD¡V SROLWLFDO SDUWLHV On one side, we have an admitted socialist who ORRNV OLNH KH¡V SDUW RI WKH 6DWXUGD\ PRUQLQJ FKHVV FOXE DW WKH ORFDO 0F'RQDOG¡V DQG +LOODU\ &OLQWRQ 2Q WKH RWKHU ZH KDYH .HYLQ IURP WKH 2IĂ€FH DQG D FDQGLGDWH ZKR KDV EHHQ GHVFULEHG DV D ´ZKLWH .DQ\H :HVW Âľ &OHDUO\ WKLV HOHFWLRQ QHHGV VDQLW\ DQG FRPmon sense. We need Vermin Supreme. Galosh-wearing Supreme might not seem like your typical candidate, with his rugged beard and FRQVLVWHQWO\ GHDGSDQ YRLFH EXW GRQ¡W EH IRROHG E\ H[WHUQDOV 7KH PDQ LV ZKDW $PHULFD QHHGV :KLOH 5HSXEOLFDQ 'RQDOG 7UXPS EURDGO\ VWDWHV WKDW ZH QHHG WR ´0DNH $PHULFD *UHDW $JDLQ Âľ 6XSUHPH KDV highlighted precise ways in which American society has GHFD\HG VSHFLĂ€FDOO\ PRUDOO\ DQG RUDOO\ 0RVW FDQGLGDWHV ZRXOG XVH WKLV SODWIRUP WR institute an authoritarian, biggovernment program where individuals had to check into D GHQWDO RIĂ€FH RQ D UHJXODU EDsis. Supreme isn’t like the other candidates though, as he DGYRFDWHV IRU WKH LQJHQLRXV VROXWLRQ RI PDNLQJ WRRWKSDVWH DGGLFWLYH %XW WKDW¡V QRW WKH HQG RI KLV LQYHQWLYH SROLF\ solutions. 'HPRFUDW %HUQLH 6DQGHUV KDV VSHQW PRVW RI KLV WLPH RQ the campaign trail highlighting the economic inequality LQ WKLV FRXQWU\ +LV VROXWLRQ LV WKH DJH ROG ´UHGLVWULEXWLRQÂľ RI UHVRXUFHV ZKLFK KH JRW IURP KLV FROOHJH URRPPDWH .DUO 0DU[ 6XSUHPH has a unique plan to address the economic troubles LQ WKLV FRXQWU\ DQG LW DOO EHJLQV ZLWK KLV ´)UHH 3RQ\ 3ODWIRUP Âľ :KLOH RWKHU SROLWLFLDQV¡ SROLFLHV KDYH VRPH QDPH WKDW KLGHV WKH WUXH QDWXUH RI WKH SODWIRUP 6XSUHPH¡V ´)UHH 3RQ\ 3ODWIRUPÂľ LV DV VLPSOH DV LW VRXQGV Âł HYHU\ $PHULFDQ JHWV D IUHH SRQ\ 7KLV SODWIRUP KHOSV DGGUHVV VHYHUDO LVVXHV WKDW SODJXH $PHULFD )UHH SRQLHV ZLOO FUHDWH PDQ\ MREV DV WKH United States makes the much-needed switch to a SRQ\ EDVHG HFRQRP\ +LSSLHV ZLOO OLNH WKLV DV PHWKDQH IURP WKH SRQLHV¡ IHFHV FDQ EH FRQYHUWHG WR HQergy, a renewable resource with the potential to end WKH HQHUJ\ FULVLV &RQVHUYDWLYHV ZLOO OLNH KLV ´)UHH 3RQ\ 3ODWIRUPÂľ EHFDXVH D IHGHUDO SRQ\ LGHQWLĂ€FDWLRQ program will require that your pony be kept near the person at all times, a smart and principled solution to WKH YRWHU LGHQWLĂ€FDWLRQ GHEDWH 6XSUHPH LVQ¡W D SHUIHFW FDQGLGDWH +H KDV GHVFULEHG KLPVHOI DV D ´IULHQGO\ IDVFLVWÂľ DQG D ´W\UDQW \RX FDQ WUXVW Âľ :KLOH WKRVH VWDWHPHQWV DUHQ¡W PDGH by ideal presidential candidates, it’s relatively tame

compared to the more traditional candidates running this cycle. Socialist overlord Clinton and her sidekick Sanders basically want to turn America into a Scandinavian-esqe wasteland, while Trump and Ted &UX] Ă€JKW ZLWK WKH ]HDO RI WKH ´5HDO +RXVHZLYHV Âľ 6XSUHPH¡V IRUWKULJKW KRQHVW\ VKRXOG EH FRPPHQGHG in today’s political atmosphere, as he has already adPLWWHG ´, KDYH QR LQWHQWLRQ RI NHHSLQJ DQ\ SURPLVH WKDW , PDNH Âľ %XW LW¡V LPSRUWDQW WR UHPHPEHU WKDW KH LV D SROLWLFLDQ DQG DVNLQJ KLP WR IROORZ WKURXJK RQ KLV SURPLVHV LV HTXLYDOHQW WR DVNLQJ WKH &DI WR PDNH D JRRG SL]]D ,W¡V MXVW QRW VRPHWKLQJ D UHDVRQDEOH person can expect. 7UXPS PD\ VD\ WKDW KH¡V JRLQJ WR ´0DNH $PHULFD *UHDW $JDLQ Âľ EXW WKHUH¡V RQO\ RQH FDQGLGDWH LQ WKLV Ă€HOG WKDW KDV WKH EDOOV WR UHDOO\ IROORZ WKURXJK RQ that guarantee, and that’s 6XSUHPH +H KDV WKH strong voice that America needs, and no other candidate has been able to so aptly describe the greatest obstacles that our country must overcome. ´)RU WRR ORQJ WKLV FRXQWU\ KDV EHHQ VXIIHUing a great moral and oral decay — in spirit and inFLVRUV Âľ 6XSUHPH VDLG DW D IRUXP LQ ´$ FRXQWU\¡V IXWXUH GHSHQGV RQ its ability to bite back. We can no longer be a nation indentured. Our very saliYDWLRQ LV DW VWDNH Âľ While the other candidates seem to have bitten RII PRUH WKDQ WKH\ FDQ chew, Vermin is an honest Photo courtesy of theodsseyonline.com person who wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his PRXWK 0RVW SROLWLFLDQV SD\ OLS VHUYLFH WR SROLFLHV that they will never implement and constantly have WR SXW WKHLU IRRW LQ WKHLU PRXWK 9RWLQJ IRU WKHP would be like pulling teeth. ,W¡V XS WR XV WR VSUHDG 6XSUHPH¡V PHVVDJH E\ ZRUG RI PRXWK EHFDXVH ZH QHHG D FDQGLGDWH ZKR ZLOO Ă€JKW WRRWK DQG QDLO IRU $PHULFDQV

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Advice: Life is a highway

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Xavier Crowswire Edited by: Jonathan S. Hogue brentraines@jonhogue.com

5

Bitching

April 1, 2016

A day in the life of ‘Big Sexxy’ Fuetter This is the shit all of y’all have been waiting for, Xavier

The events proceeding are a retelling of a typical Saturday during my tenure here at our glorious center of higher education. The following is based on actual events; only the names and events have been changed to protect the identities of those involved. A usual Saturday for yours truly begins sometime between noon and 2 p.m., which is a result of two primary factors. One, our oncampus cafe stops serving breakfast at the outrageously early hour of 2 p.m. in the afternoon, thus I must be up before this time. The second contributing factor to the time I might arise is due in part to the level of copious amounts of “Mountain Dew� I consumed at various galas and or events the night before. If, for example, I consumed a full 2-liter, I will probably not become conscious until at least 4 p.m. In the event this occurs, I will have in fact missed cafe breakfast and will be forced to resort to scrounging food from the supplies of my housemate, Rufus Plowman (a renowned movie critic, hip-hop connoisseur and aspir-

ing playwright). After awaking from my slumber, it is normally time for a shower, which is preceded by a ceremonial fecal removal. This usually takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, depending on how much YouTube I watch. I may also brush my teeth during this time, but that depends heavily on the level of body hair left in the sink from the shaving of extremities by my other housemate, Mustafa Jameson. Following my morning rituals I enjoy spending a few moments playing Tinder, the popular mobile device game similar to Words With Friends, in the hopes of beating my high score of nine matches in one day. I may also publish a self-portrait to my Instagram account during this time while sporting the same deadpan expression I have in every photo on my account. In addition, I may choose to exercise and run off the extra carbs from the night before. However this usually amounts to running a block, then walking four blocks and repeating the process. Other

afternoon activities may include frolicking in the many beautiful parks located throughout the city, perusing the selections at local goodwill stores for a particularly FKRLFH RXWĂ€W IRU WKH HYHQLQJ DQG engorging on the many barbecue establishments we are graced with as citizens of Cincinnati. As evening arrives, I spend at least an hour contacting acquaintances to see what the night might hold in store for me. Most Saturday nights begin with purFKDVLQJ D FDVH RI WKH Ă€QHVW DOO natural low-calorie brew. From here I pop in and out of local events spread out in the Xavier community as well as the more incompetent area near the University of Cincinnati (though I DP TXLWH FRQĂ€GHQW WKHLU DGPLQLVtration confused the words “community collegeâ€? with “universityâ€?). Most of these social events prove to be quite lackluster in enjoyment, but some may prove worthwhile. One night in particular, a few of my fondest lads and I spent our entire evening riding on the campus “drunk bus,â€? greeting

HDFK QHZ ULGHU ZLWK D Ă€QH OLJKW brew and unbridled sense of comaraderie. In addition, I spend some Saturday evenings at the local beer garden on Dana Avenue, a truly beautiful and quaint establishment. Other nights may include annual screenings of selections from 5XIXV¡V Ă€OP FROOHFWLRQ DQG PRVW RIWHQ KLV IDYRULWH Ă€OP ´*KRVW Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.â€? The most enjoyable nights, I must a say, are those when my other housemates, Joseph Johnson DQG *LOO 0RUPDQ DFFRPSDQ\ PH to perform shenanigans throughout campus. These activities include but are not limited to: heckling intoxicated students as they arrive back on campus, dropping food and other perishable items down the stairwells of dorms and moving trash receptacles from their proper locations. If the night ends well I will have made it successfully back to my bed from my adventures. If not, I may “black outâ€? from all the enjoyment of the evening and settle on a random couch or

sidewalk. From there I will spend the following weekdays recovering and preparing for the following weekend. This has been a retelling of a typical Saturday for your author. If have learned anything at this university it is that the police notes of the week are challenges to be topped and should be treated as more of hall of fame than anything else. Finally, eat more chocolate and help us make America great again.

Unlike Brent, ‘Big Sexxy’ is single like a Pringle who is hungry and ready to mingle.

Ever ybody hates Godzilla

Lif e lessons fr om the str eets to the litter box On an average day, I’ll wake up, look at birds outside to plot their demise, take a nap, swat at someone’s shoelace as they walk by, take another nap and stare at my toys stuck just out of reach under the couch. All introverted activities that establish my solemn nature and desire to live a quiet life. Or so I thought. It’s not an easy life for a cat, and humans haven’t made it any better especially college humans. I can’t count on one paw the numEHU RI WLPHV , MXVW ÀQLVKHG FOHDQing this one spot on my back I was working on for weeks when one of the humans picked me up. Without asking. Then when I bite them in the shoulder it’s somehow my fault. As if I pick them up after they clean themselves? Sure I try to follow them into the water machine, but they always close the doors anyway. Don’t even get me started on doors. They close them on me all

the time and forget I don’t have human paws like they do. Even when I scratch at the outside when they leave and yell, “I don’t have human paws, guys!â€? they never listen. Sometimes they even put doors on tables and throw toys around at cups and act like it’s weird when I jump on it to investigate. Doors don’t go on tables, guys. I may be overstepping my bounds here, but I think college humans are discriminatory against cats like me. ,¡P D VWUHHW FDW ,¡OO EH WKH Ă€UVW WR PHRZ LW &DXJKW P\ Ă€UVW PRXVH DW WKUHH PRQWKV *RW LQWR QLS IRU a week. I was in a hardcore litter. Swat me. But just because I come from the street and don’t have human paws doesn’t mean they can prance around and not throw my toys for me or neglect to give me treats when I ask. There are mornings I yell at them for hours to UHĂ€OO P\ IRRG DQG WKH\ MXVW ZDON to the outside as if their lives are more important than my diet.

They have nine of them so I don’t see what’s so important every morning.

“ Most of the time when I’m meowing with my friends we meow about the simple things: How many swats it takes to take GRZQ WKDW Ă \ ZH¡YH been chasing for hours, whose scented cat litter smells better. - Godzilla Sometimes I just wish they would trust me to leave for long times like they do. Any time I try to go to the outside I run around

and they chase me everywhere, but when they leave I’m not allowed to chase them everywhere. Most of the time I wait for one of the new humans from the outside and sneak past them. They’re weak. Another thing that they always GLVUHJDUG LV P\ UHĂ€QHG WDVWH LQ Ă€OP $Q\ WLPH WKH 79 LV RQ WKH\ watch some stupid cartoon show. Throw a guy a mouse and let’s watch “Homeward Boundâ€? for once. Not to mention we should be watching “Aristocatsâ€? at least once a week. Classic. The only thing I’ve even been into is “Inside Llywen Davisâ€? and that cat was hardly even in it. All I ask is for a little more diversity. Most of the time when I’m meowing with my friends we meow about the simple things: How many swats it takes to take GRZQ WKDW Ă \ ZH¡YH EHHQ FKDVLQJ for hours, whose scented cat litter smells better.

Regular stuff. But sometimes we get real – if a cat is being discriminated against on the computer TV for beautiful piano skills, or for having too big of eyes, it’s not right. When college humans start to realize how inconsiderate they are toward the cat community and start throwing our toys for us a little more often, that’s when the real change will begin to show.

Godzilla is a senior string major from Norwood, Ohio. Grant F. Vance is the Managing Editor at the Newswire. He is a senior English & Digitial Innovation Film and Television double major from Jeffersonville, Ind.

6

Spots

April 1, 2016

Xavier Crowswire Edited by: Brent Raines jonathanhogue@pornhub.com

Drunk Monopoly rivets fans Exciting match extends Thomas Bell’s run of dominance BY JONATHAN HOGUE

a lap dance to Jacko in a bartering deal for Boardwalk. When he’s If it’s Thursday, then you know not selling his soul, Thomas is the it’s Drunk Monopoly night. Every man to beat. Thursday, Thomas Bell, Jacko Initially, the property and Carey, Jonathan Hogue and Scott wealth was evenly split. Stratford play a Monopoly game “This is a change in pace for that rivals any other competition the night,â€? a sober Scott said. seen in modern sports. “Let’s drink and see how the plays This week’s stakes were incred- unfold.â€? ibly high due to Jacko, Jonathan Jonathan took a commanding and Scott’s inability to beat lead, acquiring Illinois Avenue, Thomas at a game built for busi- Marven Gardens and Park Place ness majors. With the bourbon on his trip around the board. SRXUHG DQG WKH FDUGV VKXIĂ HG WKH Following two mixed drinks, Jacko game began. purchased both utilities and sucThomas has been on a recent cessfully bartered for Pennsylvania winning streak. While his detrac- Avenue. tors argue Thomas cheats, his reAs most feared, Thomas’s cord speaks for itself. Thomas has scorched earth technique kicked ZRQ Ă€YH RXW RI VHYHQ JDPHV WKLV in after Scott consumed more season. Jacko, Jonathan and Scott WKDQ WKUHH GULQNV *DPH RIĂ€FLDOV know Thomas will do anything noticed Scott’s judgment became necessary to win Monopoly bat- foggy. In a weak moment, Scott tles. Infamously, Thomas offered traded half of his properties and Tree-huggin’ hippie

Photo courtesy of pornhub.com

Thomas, not pictured, performed the lap dance on Jacko (L). It was exchanged for Park Place in an earlier match.

Photo courtesy of Jared Fogle’s iPhone

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Ex-Toon Squad guard hired BY JOSH BOZZICK Vanilla Ice Enthusiast

In an unsurprising move during the weekend, Xavier hired Bill Murray to join the men’s basketball coaching staff. Athletic Director Greg Christopher described the hire as a “no brainer� and spoke with much praise about Murray. “Bill will bring valuable experience to the coaching staff,� Christopher said. “Albeit, that experience is as an actor, but he has shown great knowledge of sports through some of the movies he has starred in, like ‘Caddyshack.’� Luke Murray, current men’s basketball assistant coach and Bill’s son, was happy for his dad’s new position. “My father was getting a lot of attention from the various news outlets over this past season for being at a few Xavier games, and rightfully so,� the younger Murray said. “However, it was becoming a distraction to be his son. I told Coach Mack we needed my dad to have something to do and for him to get out of the limelight for a bit. What better way to do that than hire him?� What exactly Bill Murray will be doing for the team is uncer-

tain at this time. Will he be busy helping make his “sad Bill Murray faceâ€? after Xavier’s heartbreaking loss versus Wisconsin, a viral meme similar to that of the “crying Jordanâ€? face? Will he help show the team how to really act RXW D Ă RS" 2U ERWK" Having Bill Murray on staff will surely provide a huge recruiting edge out west. According to sources, Chris Mack hired Murray for his ties to the Southern California area. Mack had heard about the many stars Hollywood area and was looking to tap into the vast talent pool. Bill Murray held a press conference this morning, thanking the Xavier nation for their support and praising Xavier fans as the best in all of college basketball. The press conference was purposely held on FS1, since Murray, like most Xavier fans, realizes ESPN’s bitterness toward the Big East conference. In a similar move to high school recruits choosing the school they will attend or The Decision, Murray put on his classic blue Xavier baseball cap and calmly voiced into the mic, “I’m taking my talents to Cincinnati, home of the Xavier Musketeers.â€?

$500 for Thomas’s Mediterranean Avenue. The strategy proved profitable as Thomas let cut his trademark laugh. With Scott impaired and his property under new ownership, Thomas built several homes on three of his purple properties. Jonathan countered Thomas’s move by haggling with Jacko for Boardwalk in an effort to curtail the property building. Scott began to give away his fund as a last

ditch effort, and the game quickly became a three-person battle. -DFNR¡V XWLOLWLHV FXW D VLJQLĂ€FDQW dent during Thomas’s 13th round. He was forced to sell two homes, but an unlucky dice roll during Jonathan’s turn gave Thomas $500 in lost revenue. Several rolls were unfair to Jonathan, and he was forced to withdraw. Thomas and Jacko went KHDG WR KHDG IRU WKUHH Ă€QDO GLFH rolls. Thomas acquired Jonathan’s

BY TATUM HUNTER

better than walking, but we can’t ULĂ€FHV DQG PLVV RXW RQ FHUWDLQ DFDsettle for less.â€? demic opportunities, so it’s lucky The athletes quickly ditched that their lives aren’t as importheir Swagways in favor of wheel- tant,â€? Gregory said. chairs. But the wheelchairs, too, When asked if he is concerned ultimately required too much about the consequences of his reexertion. fusal to walk or the effect this may “The wheelchairs were certain- have on other students, Mancura ly an improvement,â€? sophomore replied, “No.â€? forward Jesus Picasso Mancura ´:DONLQJ LV Ă€QH IRU WKRVH VWXsaid. “But I still had to, like, turn dents who don’t carry the entire the wheels and stuff.â€? reputation and future of the uniAfter weeks of deliberation, versity on their backs, but I don’t WKH DWKOHWLFV GHSDUWPHQW Ă€QDOO\ have that luxury,â€? Close added. FDPH XS ZLWK D Ă€[ IRU WKLV FKDOGregory said it is unclear if the lenge the players are facing: re- women’s basketball team will also cruitment of student volunteers cease walking. to help the team get from one “They haven’t really said anyplace to another. Interested stu- thing about it,â€? Gregory said, GHQWV FDQ VLJQ XS IRU Ă€YH KRXU “which is good because we don’t shifts to transport the athletes on have enough stretchers for them.â€? stretchers from class to class. ´,W Ă€QDOO\ KLW XV WKDW stretchers are the perfect solution,â€? Chris Gregory, head of athletics, said. “Minimal effort, maximum portability. This way, our boys are saving their energy for what actually matters: college sports.â€? *UHJRU\ LV FRQĂ€GHQW WKDW there will be plenty of student volunteers willing to lend a hand to the cause. “Yes, these volunteers Photo courtesy of itv.com will have to make some sac- ,I FDWFKLQJ RQ Ă€UH LV FRRO FRQVLGHU PH 'DYH\ 0LOHV

Park Place and Boardwalk properties and built several homes to WUDS -DFNR ,Q WKH JDPH¡V Ă€QDO UROO Jacko landed on Boardwalk with two homes and ended his quest to beat Thomas. The inebriated boys shook hands. Most concluded Thomas won because of devious actions. After Jonathan cussed Thomas out, the fellas listened to music and prepared for next week’s battle of Drunk Monopoly.

Basketball players: ‘We won’t walk’ Newswire’s Kim Jong-un The athletics department is seeking volunteers to help student athletes make their way around campus. Ever since the athletes were introduced to Swagways, they have steadily lost interest in walking, sources say. What began as a casual aversion to walking has turned into a staunch refusal to travel in any manner that involves repeatedly placing one foot in front of the other. “I use all my energy playing basketball, I don’t have any left over for walking,â€? senior center John Close said. “If we waste energy walking, then our performance will suffer. And I can’t let down my fellow students like that.â€? Close has often been spotted traveling slowly on his Swagway and blocking the way of students attempting to walk up Cleneay or down the GSC stairs. :KLOH DW Ă€UVW WKH 6ZDJZD\V seemed to provide a viable alternative to walking, the upright position the athletes were forced to maintain while using the devices was eerily reminiscent of walking. “I knew something was off,â€? Close said. “The Swagways were

7 April 1, 2016

Arts&Entertaintment

Xavier Crowswire Edited by: Allison Wisyanski wisyanskia@thetruth.gov

West cries over mistake at Rent-A-Car

Photo courtesy of youtube.com

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BY HENRY EDEN

Wild West Cowboy Enterprise Rent-A-Car middle manager Ralph Hartman was attending the desk at the time of the Kardashian’s arrival. ´$W Ă€UVW ZKHQ , VDZ WKHP ZDONLQJ XS , ZDV SUHWW\ H[FLWHG My girlfriend really likes their show, and its actually fairly enWHUWDLQLQJ 7KH HSLVRGHV ZKHUH Khloe and the sisters have to deal ZLWK /DPDU¡V QHDU GHDWK H[SHULHQFH ZHUH VRPH RI WKH EHVW 79 ,¡YH VHHQ VLQFH Âś/RVW¡ ZHQW RII WKH air,â€? Hartman said. ´%XW ZKHQ , KDQGHG .DQ\H WKH keys to his Kia Sorento, he gave PH D ORRN WKDW WHUULĂ€HG HYHU\ Ă€EHU RI P\ EHLQJ , NQHZ VRPHWKLQJ was wrong.â€? West reportedly reached over the counter and grabbed Hartman by his nametag. “Are you telling me that you replaced my Hyundai Sonata with a goddamn Kia Sorento?â€? West said. 7KH UDSSHU ZDV H[WUHPHO\ XSset at the company’s mistake and proceeded to go on a tantrum

that lasted anywhere from 20 to 35 minutes according to different reports. “He just stood up on top of one of our mini-vans and started making strange comparisons between himself and differing people to prove how good he is at driving a car,â€? Hartman said of West’s rant. “Eventually he wasn’t even making sense. At one point he referred to himself as the Calvin Klein of car rentals.â€? West then began muttering under his breath about his plans to buy out the Enterprise franchise. West locked himself in the bathroom inside the airport terminal, and was heard listening to his own 2008 album, “808’s and Heartbreakâ€? through his iPhone speakers. A few minutes later, his wife, reality star Kim Kardashian, read a prepared statement to the media. ´7KH +\XQGDL 6RQDWD SURYLGHV DQ H[FHOOHQW IXHO HIĂ€FLHQW DQG VSDcious alternative to other midsize VHGDQV LQ RXU SULFH UDQJH ,¡P MXVW trying to make the drive as com-

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VRPHRQH HOVH LQ OLQH ´, FDQ¡W ZDLW WR VHH WKH Ă€OP Âľ )UHG 2] ZKR stood in front of Berg in line, WXUQHG WR VD\ ´7KDW¡V D ÂśPRYLH ¡ QRW D œÀOP ¡ +DYH VRPH UHVSHFW for real cinema.â€? ´, DSRORJL]HG SURIXVHO\ DQG WROG KLP WKDW , ORYH FLQHPD DQG didn’t mean to offend anyone, EXW KH GLGQ¡W VHHP VDWLVĂ€HG Âľ %HUJ said. Several other theatergoers Ă RFNHG WR WKH GLVDJUHHPHQW ZKHQ they overhead the conversation, ZKLFK VSDUNHG D Ă€HUFH DUJXPHQW DERXW ZKDW FRQVWLWXWHG D ´Ă€OPÂľ DQG D ´PRYLH Âľ 7KH DUJXPHQW

continued to build, with several groups debating various cinematic subjects. 7KH EUHDWKOHVV DUJXPHQWV EHgan to condense into one mob, centering on Oz. Xavier student 5HJLQDOG :H[OHU ZKR ZDV DW WKH theater seeing “Zootopia,â€? said that the real problem began when the crowd started talking about VSHFLĂ€F GLUHFWRUV ´7KH JX\ ZKR VWDUWHG WKH whole thing (Oz) started asking everyone who their favorite director and commenting on whether WKH\ PDGH œÀOPV¡ RU QRW ZKHQ KH JRW WR WKH Ă€UVW JX\ %HUJ ,

fortable as possible for my family,â€? Kardashian read off West’s tear-stained post-it note. 7KH IDPLO\ UHSRUWHGO\ VWD\HG DW the store for more than two and a half hours. ´7KH ZRUVW SDUW ZDV WKDW WKH\

kept breaking off into small groups and whispering things about me,â€? Hartman said. “Even WKH NLGV ZHUH JHWWLQJ LQYROYHG ,W was really hurtful.â€? ´,I WKH\ GRQ¡W RIIHU WR SD\ WKH IXOO SULFH IRU RXU UHQWDO , WKLQN ,

may have a heart attack,� matriarch Kris Jenner whispered secretly to 3-year-old North West. When asked what he made of the situation, infant son Saint refused to comment and stood by his father, bursting into a teary outrage.

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3UHWHQWLRXV DVVKROH SLFNV XVHOHVV ÀJKW DW theater BY NICK BERGEMAN

Film Fanatic An altercation at a local movie theater escalated to a full-scale brawl last Friday, leaving dozens injured after a man in the ticket line referred to “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justiceâ€? as a ´Ă€OP Âľ 7KH PDQ ZDV UHOHQWOHVVO\ beaten in the third such incident at the theater. Martin Berg, the man at the FHQWHU RI WKH FRQĂ LFW ZDV ZDLWing in line to purchase a ticket for an evening showing of “Batman v. Supermanâ€? at the Oakley Cinemark when he remarked to

knew there was going to be trouEOH ZKHQ KH VDLG Âś0LFKDHO %D\ ¡¾ :H[OHU VDLG ´7KDW¡V ZKHQ WKH\ VWDUWHG EHDWing me,â€? Berg said. ´, UHJUHW QRWKLQJ DQG GHVHUYH no punishment for my actions. 7KH PDQ VDLG 0LFKDHO %D\ LV KLV IDYRULWH Ă€OPPDNHU $ PDQ ZLWK a movie camera does not make KLP D Ă€OPPDNHU 7KH RWKHU PDQ should be in custody,â€? Oz said in his police statement. All told, Berg received roughly 400 blows before the crowd beating him was restrained. Berg is in stable condition at the University

of Cincinnati Medical Center, though representatives at the hospital say this is the worst incident RI Ă€OP YLROHQFH VLQFH Eight arrests were made, though none of those arrested besides Oz will be charged. Despite being the victim of a violent crime, Berg apologized to KLV DWWDFNHUV DQG H[SUHVVHG UHJUHW ´, FDQQRW EHOLHYH , VDLG VRPHWKLQJ VR GXPE , WKDQN WKRVH people for teaching me the proper GLIIHUHQFH EHWZHHQ D œÀOP¡ DQG D ÂśPRYLH ¡ ,W¡V HQWLUHO\ P\ IDXOW EXW , know the rules of the game now,â€? Berg said.

8

April 1, 2016

We’re All Going to Die

Xavier Crowswire Edited by: Hana Priscu Don’t talk to me.

Meteorite—ShitTo Storm Collide With Earth to Follow— BY HANA DANGER PRISCU Expert Storm Chaser/Purple Belt

In an official report released today by NASA, a meteorite roughly 1.5 times the size of Uranus is on a collision course straight toward Earth. The meteorite, nicknamed “Deep Impact,” is set to make contact on April 31 this year, leaving little to nothing in its wake. With only weeks to live, people are reacting in varying ways. After hearing the report, Justin Bieber live-tweeted himself boarding R&B singer Usher’s space shuttle this afternoon before realizing that no one cared anymore. Donald Trump planned to leave this evening on his own private shuttle; however, a Girls Inc. protest outside his home is currently preventing him from making his escape.

11 12 13 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 21 22 23 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 31 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

In addition to the giant space geode plummeting toward Earth’s surface, a massive storm system is brewing over the Pacific Ocean that is capable of reaching land in California and spanning the United States, Canada and Mexico. The increased temperatures have spurned heat lightning storms in some areas, and wildfires have become increasingly probable with each passing day. While these may seem to be completely hopeless circumstances, NASA claims that better conditions are on the horizon. As the meteorite draws closer, its flame-doused surface will bring with it a pleasant tropical climate globally before heating further into subtropical, and then volcanic conditions. In these trying times, many people have attempted to outsmart the meteorite by building bomb shelters. However, NASA President, Hugh Janus, insists that this will be highly ineffective. “The meteorite will hit the Earth with a force that we are currently unable to measure. Our machines don’t have enough number slots…real design flaw. No bomb shelter from your run-of-themill WikiHow is going to stand up to that,” Janus said. For step-by-step instructions on how to build a lovely bomb shelter of your very own, see the sidebar (courtesy of WikiHow).

DIY Bomb Shelter

1

Choose an area without flammable materials and begin digging, piling dirt five feet away.

2

Dig as deep as you want—a deeper trench offers improved protection with more interior space.

3

Place poles (at least one foot wider than trench) across the top of the trench.

4

With the poles across the trench, be sure to cover any cracks with cloth or leaves.

5

When sealed with cloth, put the loose dirt over the top of the shelter 18 inches high.

6

Build a separate space for a toilet, separated by a blanket of some sort.

7

Make sure that there are at least two different exits from the shelter for easy escape.

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