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SPORTS QUIZ won the 2009 Michael Tuck Medal? 1 Who club did Michael 2 What Tuck play with throughout his career? presented the 3 Who medal to the winner? won the 4 Who Australian Cup over 2000m at Flemington last Saturday? won last weeks G2 Blamey Stakes at Flemington last 5 Who Saturday? is on top of the NRL ladder after round one? 6 Who scored the winning point last week for Melbourne Storm? 7 Who won last weeks WGC-CA Championship? 8 Who was named the coach of the NBL this season? 9 Who defeated Manchester United at Old Trafford earlier 10 Liverpool this week. What was the score? ANSWER: 1. Joel Selwood 2. Hawthorn 3. Michael Tuck 4. Josh Hunt 5. Largo Lad

6. South Sydney Rabbitohs 7. Greg Inglis 8. Phil Mickelson 9. Brian Goorjian 10. 4-1

2 – HEARTBALM TRUTH, MARCH 19-25, 2009

Cool runnings? A GLASGOW-BORN African skier who only saw snow for the first time five years ago has qualified for the Winter Olympics. Kwame Nkrumah-Acheampong, 33, nicknamed the Snow Leopard, is the first Ghanaian ever to qualify for the games, reports the Daily Telegraph. Mr NkrumahAcheampong was born in Glasgow while his father was a student in the city, but was raised in Ghana without ever seeing a snowflake. After moving back to Britain as a student in 2002, he was introduced to snow after becoming a receptionist at a ski centre with an indoor real-snow slope at Milton Keynes. The father-of-two said, “All I had ever known about skiing was watching a James Bond film, so it really just took off from there. The coaches said I had a natural talent and I’ve never found skiing difficult. But it has been a hard fight.” “Even now, when I go to big events, there are people who refuse to believe that an African can ski. They sort of stare and shout, ‘Here comes the strange man.’” “But that is to be expected. These Winter Olympics will be my last chance, so hopefully I will leave a legacy that has changed people’s views of African skiers.” His last four winters have been spent in the Italian Alps, funded by summer jobs around Milton Keynes, and by the work of his wife, Sena, at the Open University. This winter he finally racked up 140 points, the season-long tally

required to guarantee a place at next year’s Winter Olympics in Vancouver. He will be eligible to compete for the slalom and giant slalom.

Shame on you Shamrock UFC Hall-of-Famer Ken Sham-rock failed a steroid test, according to an announcement from the California State Athletic Commission. To be fair, Shamrock has failed at lots of things in life, and he has a pattern for this sort of thing. He failed a drug test taken prior to his Februar y 13 victory over Ross Clifton in Fresno, California. Shamrock is now suspended from all mixed martial arts competition nationwide through Feb. 1, 2010. Shamrock, 45, will have the chance to appeal his failed test with the California commission. He tested positive for norandrosterone, noretiocholanolone and stanozolol. Shamrock (27-13-2) ended a five-fight losing streak when he forced Clifton to submit in the first round of their bout. Steroids in fighting, to me are not the same as steroids in baseball or football. Maybe because strength is more of a factor in the former than in the big team sports. Maybe it’s because the losers in baseball don’t get their brains beaten in. But this is bigger than A-Rod, I think - one of the already-fallen leaders in a sport that he helped create and popularize...busted for roids. And while I was never a big fan of Shamrock himself, I’m saddened by this latest (and probably last) nail in his very intense coffin.


Gisele slams Tom Here is our chance MEMPHIS Grizzlies guard Marko Jaric, new husband of supermodel Adriana Lima Adriana Lima is under investigation after a Philadelphia woman claims that the 30 year old from Belgrade assaulted her. Sexually! The incident allegedly occurred in March when the Grizzlies were in Philadelphia to

play the 76ers. Jaric is a seven-year NBA veteran who is in his first season with the Grizzlies. Last month Jaric married longtime girlfriend and Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima. Obviously, we’ll all have a better shot at Lima once Jaric is in jail where he belongs so this is a good thing.

GISELE Bundchen’s took part in an interview in Harper’s Bazaar magazine. When Gisele was asked about her new husband Tom Brady, Gisele mentioned her favorite quality about him-he’s not very smart. “Tom is a good guy,” she continues tentatively. “He has a very pure heart.” “He’s very naive, almost like a child.” “That is my favorite quality about him.” “One thing that I thought was so amazing when I first met him is that he is innocent. “He sees the world with colored glasses.” While Gisele speaks several languages, occasionally some charming malapropisms escape her. “It’s beautiful, but I think that is rare. I love that about him. No one else sees that.” “He’s very strong and focused in his job, but he’s so sensitive, it’s amazing.”

Test wanted out WRESTLER Andrew ‘Test’ Martin chillingly spoke of his fears of dying in a documentary interview, vowing to clean up and take his “foot out of the grave”. The ex-WWE intercontinental champion was found dead by police last week, aged just 33 years old. It is suspected he was killed by a drugs overdose. The 6ft 6in Canadian-born star had recently spent time in rehab, paid for by his former employers. Friends say he was increasingly worried about his own mortality after seeing wrestling pals including Eddie Guerrero, Scott ‘Bam Bam’ Bigelow, Mike ‘Awesome’ Alfonso and Brian ‘Crush’ Adams pass away at young ages. He was also distraught on hearing the

news that his former friend Chris Benoit, 40, had killed wife Nancy and seven-yearold son Daniel before committing suicide in Atlanta in 2007. Like Test, they had all encountered problems with steroids, painkillers, alcohol or other drugs. In 2007 he conducted an interview for Liam Phillips’ upcoming movie The Circus, which looks at premature deaths in the wrestling business. He told the documentary-maker: “This has been the worst year of my life, without question. “I’ve just turned 32-years-old and I went to eight funerals this year. I shouldn’t be going to eight funerals at 32 years old. As

bad as this may sound, it opened my eyes and made me take my foot out of the grave. It made me ask: ‘What am I doing? Do I want to join that club? Hell no - I don’t want to join that club.’” After hearing of Test’s passing, Liam said: “Andrew was open with me about everything and especially when speaking about his fears of joining the everexpanding list of deceased wrestlers. This fear comes across in the documentary and is chilling to hear in the aftermath of his death. I immediately felt it was important for his message to be heard, and I think it will reach more people because they will consider the source.”

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4 – HEARTBALM TRUTH,

MARCH 19-25, 2009


Black Cocks & White Asses

I Like It Doggie Style

Lesbian Disturbia

Studio: Private Category: Compilation Genre: Interracial, Letterboxed, Straight, Anal Stars: Sasha Grey, Chelsea Rae, Laura Angel, Sandy, Bambi, Aaliyah Run Time: 1hr 30mins Number Of Discs: 1 Bonus Features: Interactive Menus, Chapter Selection, Bonus Scene, Trailers JUST in case you somehow couldn’t work it out, Black Cocks & White Asses is a film about black guys screwing white chicks. The title makes sense now doesn’t it? The film open with beautiful blonde Sandy taking on two cops on top of a police car at night in the middle of the neighbourhood. The male cop is a big black dude while his partner is a stunning brunette with a passion for sucking cock. The three go at it together although Sandy actually doesn’t get f@cked, however the female cop does lick her out. The scene finally finishes with the man cumming in his partners mouth, with her sharing the cum by kissing Sandy. What a

nice girl. The following scene stars Chelsie Rae who starts off by licking the arse hole of her black male friend before he returns the favour by giving her arse hole a real hammering with his huge jack hammer. The final scene I want mention is with Aaliyah who takes on two black guys. She is extremely vocal, directing the play and pleading for more cock. It really is a wonderful scene that has to be seen as he accent and words are sure to get you right off. VERDICT:

Studio: Private Category: Gonzo Genre: Letterboxed, All Girl Director: Moire Candy Stars: Victoria, Suzie Carina, Regina, Victoria Rose, Zoe, Hanna Black Run Time: 1hr 34mins Number Of Discs: 1 Bonus Features: Interactive Menus, Chapter Selection, Bonus Scene, Behind The Scenes, Interviews, Trailers

I’M SURE you all have a favourite position; my favourite position is doggie style. That’s correct doggie style. Straight in the rear end no questions asked. The doggie style strap helps manoeuvre your partner into the perfect position for rear entry. Now when I say rear it doesn’t always mean anal (yes I love giving anal) the pussy can also be entered from behind yeh! Another great thing about the doggie style strap is when you or your partner is covered in massage oil, slippery enough where you can’t grip their hips; this is where the doggie style

strap is a winner. They can’t slip away as you are in full control. I like it! The doggie style strap has a cushion that protects you from the straps cutting into you. I will also give a doggie style strap to Moose and Spiro as I think this will be straight (unlike these two) up their ally. This is a very handy tool for the bedroom. Always practice safe sex. VERDICT:

LESBIAN Disturbia is a stylish and glamorous hardcore film featuring 11 breathtakingly beautiful lesbians craving the touch and taste of another women’s flesh. Brought to you by Private, Lesbian Disturbia has five great scenes of passionate lesbian ass licking, strap on anal sex and masturbation with both fingers and dildos. These high-class clit lickers bring each other to shuddering climaxes in a terrfic lesbian film that also goes out of its way to explore some fetishes that are considered somewhat unusual to the genre. The girls are mainly of European origin, with of all of them being incredibly hot and perhaps more importantly horny and of course dirty. There are plenty of close-ups through-

out the film and as a bonus the film also has a great soundtrack. As an extra feature, there is a behind the scenes section, which I always love to watch as it, allows us to get to know the girls starring in the film. You get to see how the girls act around the set while also watching them posing for hot photos. The girls all have great accents and just listening to them talk is almost enough to get you off. So if it’s a lesbian film you’re after, Lesbian Disturbia will satisfy your urge. VERDICT:

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6 – HEARTBALM TRUTH, MARCH 19-25, 2009


H e a r t b a l m

L OV E

L E T T E R S ♥

L OV E

Heartbalm Writes: You should be doing your best to get your girlfriend back to your house as often as possible but if that isn’t possible, you have to either learn to forget about her dog or you have to talk to her about it. Explain to your girlfriend that it makes you uncomfortable and see how you go. Good luck.

Heartbalm Writes: First of all it’s great to hear that you and your boyfriend are enjoying your sex life and secondly it’s great to hear that your mum has a great sense of humour and is in touch with modern sex tactics. Who knows, don’t be surprised if your mum asks one day to borrow your Velcro restraints.

Who’s the man?

Ms SL is 24 and can’t work out why guys are embarrassed to buy condoms. She writes: My boyfriend and I always argue over who should have to go out and buy condoms. My boyfriend is always too embarrassed to go into a pharmacy or super market to buy them so always forces me to get them. Since it’s usually him suggesting we have sex, I think it should be his responsibility. What to you think? Heartbalm Writes: We agree, it normally is the male’s job to buy the condoms. If he is too embarrassed to go into a pharmacy then you should urge him to go to a sex shop or even a service station late at night. You won’t have many people at either place and condoms aren’t eye catching at a sex shop when others are buying

sex toys while who cares what someone at a service station thinks. Lastly you have to tell him that’s into big deal buying condoms, in fact it’s a common occurrence that shouldn’t worry anyone.

What are those? Ms TP is 26 and had an embarrassing moment with her mother. She writes: I’ve been doing plenty of overtime recently at work and as a result, I have fallen somewhat behind in my household chores. Always one to help me when I’m in need, my mother offered to come over

H e a r t b a l m

on Saturday to help me do all my housework. She helped me with the ironing, the vacuuming and to my horror then decided to change m bed sheets before I could remove some objects. You see my boyfriend had slept over the night before and we got a little creative in between the sheets, using velcro restraints to tie each others hands and legs to the bed posts. As my mother removed the sheets before I could remove them, she spotted the restraints and stopped dead in her tracks. Not knowing what to say, I just looked at her dumbfounded. At this point, my mother turned to me

L OV E

Mr NC is 24 and currently has two girls fighting over him. He writes: I have been seeing two girls over the past few months and I just found out that both girls have found out what’s been happening and to top things out they actually know each other. Since I was just casually seeing both girls, neither were upset at me for seeing another girl. Instead they turned on themselves, apparently getting into a huge fight over me. I’m not just talking verbal either; apparently there was hair pulling and even punches thrown in. How cool is that?

L E T T E R S ♥

Just buy the bloody things

L OV E

H e a r t b a l m

and smiled before laughing and saying, “Well I’ve always wanted grandkids and I guess everyone has their own method.” I was so embarrassed but at least my mother saw the funny side of it and yes, I am getting in plenty of practice to give her some grandkids.

H e a r t b a l m

Mr NR is 27 and can’t stand his girlfriend’s dog. He writes: First of all let me say that I’m not a dog hater, in fact I love dogs, just not my girlfriend’s dog. You see my girlfriend absolutely loves her dog, so much so that everything we do involves her bloody dog. I can understand taking it out of the house when we go to the park or the beach and I can even understand having it around inside the house. However what I can’t handle is having her bloody dog sleep at the end of her bed. You see my girlfriend isn’t the most adventurous kind, with sex in rooms other than the bedroom unfortunately not a common occurrence. If I’m going to get any action with her it’s before bed in her bedroom but it comes at a price as we have to perform in front of her dog. She sees nothing wrong with going for it in front of her dog but I struggle to perform at my best knowing it’s there watching us, perhaps even judging me for slamming it’s beloved owner. It really is putting me off somewhat from having sex at her house. What should I do?

L E T T E R S ♥

Dog watching

Heartbalm Writes: You lucky bastard, having two girls fighting over you. While it may be a great feeling, there is a downside as you may have to end up selecting one in order to finally end the

L E T T E R S ♥

HEARTBALM TRUTH, MARCH 19-25, 2009 –

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★GAZING AT THE STARS, TITS, GLITZ, ★ She’s just not all arse

Making us go GaGa

HERE’S Kim Kardashian trying to squeeze her breasts into an outfit while shopping in LA. All too often, we only focus on Kim’s ass and ignore the fact that she’s also sporting an ample rack. Today, I’d like to fix this situation by saying “Kim, nice tits.”

HERE’S a leather-clad Lady GaGa stumbling out of The Social nightclub in Los Angeles. The more I see of her, the more I think she might actually be the classiest lady in the word. If I was to have a daughter, I really couldn’t think of any better role model. Hang on, perhaps Paris Hilton?

What a relief HEY guys, great news! Britney Spears isn’t dating her longtime agent Jason Trawick! That’s right, something you didn’t even know was happening isn’t happening! US Weekly has the “exclusive”: “They are absolutely, 100 percent not dating,” the source tells Us. “He is her agent, and that is it.” E! News reported that Spears was secretly stepping out with Trawick, but the insider tells Us, “They have never gone out on a date. “He has been her agent for four years, and they are very close friends,” the source continues. “He gets on with her family, but there is absolutely categorically nothing romantic going on. “Jason was on the road with Britney for three of her tour dates, but that is because that’s what agents do — they support their clients,” the source goes on. “Any stories of them being together are completely and utterly made up.”

NEW MANAGEMENT/NEW GIRLS Mercedez is Back

8 – HEARTBALM TRUTH, MARCH 19-25, 2009


Slumdog to bond?

Nicole goes Slumdog

FREIDA Pinto of the award-winning film Slumdog Millionaire is reportedly lined up to to be a Bond Girl in the next 007 installment featuring Daniel Craig, according to The Sun: Executive producer Barbara Broccoli is eager for her to join the cast — after earmarking Slumdog director Danny Boyle for the top job. A source said, “Freida came to the attention of the Bond team when they were casting Quantum of Solace.” “She was too young at the time to have a part as a love interest for a secret agent. But she has blossomed into an incredibly stunning young woman and would look perfect on Daniel Craig’s arm.”

HERE’S Nicole Scherzinger of The Pussycat Dolls outside Rockefeller Studio before performing on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Clearly, this woman stays in phenomenal shape which makes it sort of a bold move by Britney Spears people to have the Pussycat Dolls open for her. You figure a safer move would’ve been, I dunno, Ruben Studdard. Or Kirstie Alley who doesn’t even sing, so win/win right there.

Britney isn’t bad BRITNEY SPEARS looks slightly above average here in a bikini, which is a giant step from the days of Predator Britney. That said, remember those “candid” rehearsal pics from her website where she’s sporting great abs? Either those were Photo shopped, or Britney’s dad needs a better hiding place for the cookie jar. Like space.

Paris in a bikini STILL on vacation in Hawaii, here’s Paris Hilton holding a clearly dying parrot since it didn’t even try to beak her to

death in a fight for survival. That said, I gotta admit Paris does have one smoking body.

HEARTBALM TRUTH, MARCH 19-25, 2009 –

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was expecting to see a foot.” “Well,” he said, “if you’re going to complain about an inch then I’ll take my business elsewhere.”

YOU GOTTA ❑ BE JOKING! Viagra Lite

With the immense popularity of Viagra it’s not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers:

For people who only want to masturbate.

Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. “A can of paint?!?” exclaimed the minister. “Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.” The minister just shook his head

Viagrallium Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.” Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house. They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the parrot spoke, “Straight, straight, curly!”

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover. As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him

A mix of Viagra and Vallium: if you don’t get to f#$k, then you don’t give a f#$k. A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. “Isnt there some way to judge the size of a mans equipment from the outside?” she asked earnestly. “The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet,” counselled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, “With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.”

Seems that there was a noted gardener who was famous for his wonderful tomato plants. As would happen, one day a young lady asked him his secret for success. He replied that each morning he went out to his tomato plants with nothing on but a robe. He would stand in front of them and flash them. He suggested that she try his method. A few weeks passed before they again met, and being the gentleman he was, he inquired as to her success. She replied that nothing had happened to her tomato plants, but that he should come and see her cucumbers!

❑ and said that they were not welcome in the church. “That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Bunnings anymore either.”

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from church to a reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.” One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible. The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”

right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus. What a relief! Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, “Now don’t tell me you’ve never seen one of these!” She replied, “You’re right, daddy, I have. It’s just that I’ve never seen one being reloaded!!”

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street. By mistake, he went to 365 West East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor’s assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. “My goodness”, she exclaimed, “I

10 – HEARTBALM TRUTH, MARCH 19-25, 2009

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. “Well”, he explained, “by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus gentlemen. So my speech started ladies and gentlemen”. On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English fool and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well”, he explained, “by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying, ‘Dear ladies and gentlemen’”. On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland fools and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well”, he explained, “by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying, ‘Dear ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......’”

Boy born with two penises A baby boy born with two penises in Russia has undergone complicated surgery to join them into one. The child, named by the Russian media only as Artyom G, was born two weeks ago after a normal pregnancy. He was rushed from his maternity hospital to St Vladimir’s Children’s Clinical Hospital in Moscow where he underwent the lengthy operation to join the two penises. “The surgery was complicated. We had to form one penis out of two, make the abdominal wall and create a bladder,” said a doctor involved in the five hour operation. “When our colleagues asked for help we said ‘yes’ immediately but we couldn’t imagine the case would be so complicated.” According to the The Sun, the hospital said that the baby is now in good health and the surgery a complete success. “He will grow into a normal man and be able to have kids,” the doctor added.

Man stages own funeral A Romanian man staged his own funeral while he was still alive to make sure everything went to plan. Marin Voinicu, 73, from Vadastra in Olt county, invited fellow villagers, relatives and friends to his home to mark his “future passing”. The village priest even accepted an invitation to officiate a funeral sermon at the man’s home. Mr Voinicu said, “I did everything by the book.” “I even dug my own grave in the cemetery and laid down in it to see how it feels.” “I asked my relatives to wail at

my headstone for a test run. I was fully satisfied with my funeral.” He explained he decided to organise his own funeral because he didn’t want to leave the task on his family’s shoulders. And his family agreed to go along with it because they felt it would be easier to organise the event when they were not distracted by grieving. Mr Voinicu’s daughter-in-law Oncica said, “If we had done this after his death it would have been harder.” “Everybody would have cried a lot but this way nobody shed a tear. We had such a good time one could have said it was more like a wedding than a funeral.”

Karaoke truck driver A Romanian truck driver is in trouble after filming himself dancing behind the wheel while driving along a motorway. In the clip, Iulian Breazu is seen singing and dancing wildly while standing on his seat - and steering with his feet. Mr Breazu, 23, from Sibiu, may lose his job and could face police charges if officers can work out where it was filmed. The film, posted on the internet by his brother as a joke, was screened by local TV stations who branded Breazu the ‘driving Tarzan’ for his karaoke style acrobatics. He said, “I know what I did was crazy and I wouldn’t do it again. I apologise for that but that doesn’t change much. I guess I was just too happy or too bored that day.” “We truck drivers all do things while driving.” “Some clip their nails, fix their hair, look into the mirror and what not.” Romanian police said they may not be able to charge the driver as he drives all over Europe and they have no evidence that he was on the country’s roads.


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15


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Heartbalm March 19 - 26 2009