Page 1

Volume LXXXIX, Number 12

April 1, 2013

Worcester, Massachusetts

Former Crusader Elected into Papacy Adonis Gaston Humble Staff Writer The conclave to elect a new Pope following the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI began on Tuesday, March 12 and by late afternoon on Wednesday, March 13 the Church had its man. Jorge Mario Bergoglio, known as “Gogz” in most circles and “Joung Money Baby” in no circles at all, became the 226th man to ever don the silliest hat in the world choosing the name Francis I in honor of Saint Francis of Assisi, patron saint of the Sega Genesis. Why there has been no other Pope named Francis before this truly boggles the mind. He is not only the first Pope to be named Francis, but he is also the first Pope to come from the Americas, to come from the Southern Hemisphere, and the first Jesuit to ever be named Pope. He is also, as has been recently discovered, the first Pope to ever have attended the College of the Holy Cross. Now this is a fact that Francis has tried to conceal because of his spotty record as a student here on the Hill, but a classmate of his has recently come forward so that The Crusader, widely known as the only newspaper with integrity and the largest national audience, could tell the world the story of a man who was quite different from the one that now rides around in the Pope-mobile. In order to protect this source from the Swiss Guard, we will refer to him in the rest of the article as “The Name of This Man is Most Certainly Not Gregory Fitz-Williamson Throat” or “Throat” for short: “Jorge, or B-Nasty as he liked us to call him, was a real wild child, man. He had a lot of problems with authority and he was just plain out of control a lot of the

time. I remember nights also smuggled 263 beers da of the week. We were where he would set up 10 or into his room in the retreat able to track down some of so garbage cans in the hall- center, which he again al- the residents of off-campus way and yell, ‘The Algerians! leged had “been there the that year to get a better The Algerians are coming!’ whole time.” He was also story: “I remember Jorge and then he would just go to the mascot for a brief pe- came around once on a town on those cans. He cost riod of time, until at a men’s Tuesday at 3 in the afterus something like 45 cents basketball game he threw a noon. My housemates and I were studying in damage for or playing a our hall, and that r o u s i n g was a very large round of sum of money ‘kick-theback in the day. as rock’ Why are you youths were laughing? It rewant to do in ally was a lot of the 1950’s, money! I’m seriJorge and ous!” kicked our There are door down many docuscreaming mented incideand dents of Pope manded that Francis’ time we watch him spent here at funnel all the Holy Cross that beer in our were found fridge. He by The Crusader’s made it crack team of through one researchers. and a half, as Born in Italy in we watched 1936, Pope Francis left that Courtesy of Robert Keilig in horror and country in order Young Pope Francis chilling with some of his bros. growing confusion, then to attend this institution and he first small child from the stands let the other half spill onto stepped foot on campus for at Bob Cousy, nearly ending the floor and threw himself his freshman year in 1954. the team’s NCAA champi- out of our first floor winHe wasted no time. On the onship hopes. They also dow, right through the glass! first day, he was written up found him wearing a belt I had never seen anything when Public Safety re- under the suit which had 17 like it. What a fruit loop that sponded to a call for help beers taped to it. Jorge guy was.” “Throat” rememfrom Francis’ roommate maintained that someone bers one night when he and and then discovered 587 had put them there to some of his friends found beers in his fridge, which “frame him” and ran away young Francis one Friday Francis maintained were before Res Life could ques- night at the bottom of Boyden Street: “He was wearing “there when he moved in.” tion him further. His real stomping a leopard print robe and one “ Yea Jorge was a real party animal,” remembered grounds, however, were the high-heeled shoe. All he Throat fondly, “His favorite off-campus houses on Caro could say was, ‘Gummy song was ‘Party Hard’ by and Boyden. Once he had bears! Gummy bears in my Andrew W.K. and that song gotten himself banned from wasn’t even written until the every varsity, club, and intramural sport as well as every late 90s.” Jorge didn’t stop his antics other RSO recognized orafter his early run in with ganization on campus, bethe law. There are reports sides The Fenwick Review who Jim-Bob Baskerville from multiple departments “admired his tremendous Staff Hillbilly/Sherlock of further tom-foolery, spirit,” he made off-campus Holmes which was the official term his new home. Widely credfor his behavior back then. ited as being the first to ever Saint Patrick’s weekend has He was removed from the refer to Caro Street as always been legendary here Spiritual Exercises for refus- “Partyland” Jorge could freat Holy Cross. It is by far the ing to be silent and multiple quently be seen running most productive weekend in “wet-willy” incidents. He from house to house on any the school calendar. Throughout these three days, students across the board make a tremendous effort to study until they behave emerged of freshman sobbing on the common come dizzy from excessive contributors enduring hu- room floor, wearing a “Yes concentration. Holy Cross miliatingly liberal acts at the We Can” t-shirt, an has made national headlines hands of the Review’s senior “Obama 2016 hat,” and a in recent years for these very staff. crudely fashioned skirt provocative actions. While Resident Assistants in made from The New York most campuses across the Mulledy became concerned Times Op-ed pieces. After United States are pitted with last Friday night when they alerting Public Safety, drunken debauchery and senseless shenanigans, Holy found freshman Richard “Rich” Thamesworth III See FENWICK, page 4 Cross students make it a

The Fenwick Review Under Review Amid Hazing Allegations Gus Random Guy The College’s proudest alternative news source is the subject of an intense investigation into allegations of hazing connected with an initiation ritual that took place last weekend. Reports

cerebellum!’ It was 6 o’ clock.” Though it seemed that all the young Pope Francis did was party, he did maintain a 3.7 GPA as a Philosophical Religious-Studies Biological Chemistry double major with a concentration in African- American and Women’s Studies and a creative writing minor PreMed. His sophomore year he seemed to undergo an intense transformation as well. Because he couldn’t find anyone that wanted to live with him, he rented a house of his own off-campus. After going three months without incident, Public Safety raided his home because his “front lawn appeared unkempt”. The officers found absolutely no alcohol on the premises, so they took a Coca-Cola can and wrote” This is a Beer” on it. They then kicked him back on campus. This was the last straw for young Pope Francis, who transferred to the University of Buenos Aires and earned his master’s degree in chemistry. The rest is history. “Yea, B-nasty was completely out of his mind,” said “Throat” as we concluded our interview, “There wasn’t a day that went by freshman year without him doing something that made me question my own existence and whether or not the Universe made any goddamn sense at all. We all knew he was destined for greatness.”

11 P.M. Closing Provokes Riots in Dinand Library point to transcend the immature mind of a college student in order to pursue a nobler academic quest. If you were to visit the campus at anytime during St. Patty’s weekend you can expect to find the library packed full of students ready to get their weekend study on, and not a drop of alcohol in sight. Worcester Polytech student Paul Ryan laments in the fact that, “Why cant our school be like that? These kids take this weekend so seriously, I just wish we could do something so noble.” So seriously does Holy Cross take their St. Patty’s day studying that riots erupted in the Dinand LiSee DINAND, page 2

Inside The Crusader Opinions..................5 In Other News........12 Features..................9 Sports.....................13 The Talmud...........27 M. Night Shyamalan..0

North Dakota and South Dakota Settle Their Differences: Become One Big Dakota Page 2

Student Wakes up on Tuesday, Thinks that it is Wednesday: “What?” Says Student Page 8

Deep-Fried Butter: Newest Health Craze Page 9



The Cr usader

March 22, 2013

“Burn Book” Goes Viral, Chaos Ensues Karen Smith Chief News Editor It was full tilt jungle madness last Friday when a Holy Cross-based blog entitled “The Burn Book” was publicized among the campus community, leaving students and faculty angry, upset and confused. The blog, which had previously been inaccessible by the general public, somehow infiltrated the main computers in Dinand and the O’Kane computer lab, appearing as the home page when students opened the internet. The site immediately went viral. Students spread the news through texts and reposted comments from the site via Facebook and Twitter. The site was shut down within hours by Holy Cross Media Security, a branch of Public Safety dedicated to insuring the civility of student interaction via the web and other public services. The blog appeared to be an outlet for cruel commentary, both fictitious and legitimate, on individuals at Holy Cross. The blogger had posted embarrassing pictures, some videos, gossipy stories and a lot of opinionated thoughts on the victimized persons, which amounted to over a thousand different students and even a few faculty members. As more and more students

gained access to the site online on Friday, angry words were exchanged over Facebook, and around noontime, just as Kimball began to fill with the usual lunchtime crowd, fights broke out…fights unlike any this campus has witnessed since the seventies. Kimball Dining Hall witnessed a full-force condiments war, as students seized nearly every salad dressing bottle, tubs of jelly and even the massive containers of ketchup and hot sauce. Members of the campus a-cappella groups engaged in a less physical form of confrontation in dealing with their emotions. The singers formed a large crowd outside the dining hall on Kimball quad and participated in what became a very heated riff-off, most likely inspired by the recent film Pitch Perfect. I was able to talk with a few students who were composed enough to share their ideas coherently, freshman Cheryl Fry being one who shared an especially traumatic story. “I was like super excited when I first saw the blog pop up on my Facebook page, because I was like O.M.G. a burn book, this must be like a book that I can read and burn calories at the same time,” said Cheryl. “But then I actually read the thing, and I was like this is so

mean.” Cheryl then began to cry and couldn’t contribute much more than a few hearty sobs to elaborate her final point. The Burn Book allegedly had cited poor Cheryl for making out with a hotdog in Kimball. Cheryl tearfully defended herself, “That was one time!” Though she doesn’t even go here, Bertha Ryder, a sophomore at Worcester State, felt obliged to visit our campus in this troubling time, and expressed her dismay over the blog’s publication: “I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles, and everyone would eat and be happy.” Lauren Nepomocuno, ’14, ventured to accuse her roommate Alison Walters, ’14, basing this claim on a very personal insult in the blog and explaining, “that’s why her hair is so big, it’s full of secrets.” However, Alison, whose hair is in fact not full of secrets, but naturally (and fabulously) curly, is very likely not the author, since she too was victimized by the blogger. It was said that “she wears so much plaid, she must be from a redneck family.” Informed by Amber Jones, ’14, Public Safety has compiled a list of potential culprits, including Daydra Koenen, ’14, Mo Oram, ’14, and

Jackie Fagoni, ‘14. Public Safety brought the girls in for questioning when they investigated the matter and found that not one of these girls had received an insult from the blog, and Amber went to Holy Cross president, Father Duvall, late Friday after he issued a campuswide email requesting any students to share their suspicions with him and the Media Security Team. In a private conference with Fr. Duvall, Amber confided that there were only three girls in the whole school who were not in the book. These three suspects were immediately tracked down, forced into Smart Cars and driven to Duvall’s office. Asked to explain why she had been victimized by these former friends, Amber screamed, “Biddies be trippin’! I don’t know their lives! Dumb s***s” When given the opportunity to make a statement on these accusations, Jackie Fagoni declared that she was appalled that any one of her fellow classmates would even suggest that she had done this to them. “I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me,” she said, “But it’s not my fault that I’m popular. I think that’s why I was accused, and I don’t think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.”

Twitter: The Only Social Media Not 100% Accurate Gracie Goodwin Chief Opinions Editor “I can’t believe that this happened to me,” cried Christine Smith, ‘14. Smith, a full supporter of social media, came to the realization that Twitter is just not as good as Facebook, Tumblr or Instagram. “I have like, a thousand followers because I’m so popular,” observed Smith. “I was currently trying to get it up to a thousand and one followers, so I continued to scroll through my home page until I came across a tweet from @moneybags. The tweet read: If you’re a college student with rich parents, I’ll follow you if you tweet your credit card information. Of course my daddy is really rich, so I ea-

gerly gave away my credit card information. The next thing I knew, I was at my goal of one thousand and one followers!” The next day, however, things took a turn for the worse. “I got a call from my daddy screaming at me. Apparently, someone who like, doesn’t look like me like used my credit card information to buy a new house, new wardrobe, and everything. I mean, luckily my daddy didn’t go bankrupt, but now I have to go through this huge process to get my identity back! I wish I had stayed at one thousand followers because one thousand and one cost me too much, literally.” Reflected Smith. Apparently, Smith is not the only one to fall for these scams. In a recent study by

Social Media Experts (SME), a report was found that ninety five percent of identity theft in the United States occurred via Twitter. It was also found that scammers only like to use twitter. “Twitter is just too easy to scam people because they all want followers. Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr use too many pictures. I can’t easily change my persona like I can with Twitter,” commented convict John Lewis. “These scammers have a very specific and intricate thought process: Why would I go through steps like making phone calls, researching, or stealing records when I can just create a Twitter account?” explained SME researcher Adam Jarvis. The SME also found that Facebook, Instagram,

and Tumblr users are staying one hundred percent true to their identities. “Why would someone lie on Facebook?” asked Freshman Laura Hanks. “You have to tell your personal information and share so many photos of yourself, it’s very hard to lie on social media that involves so much information,” she stated. “I really hope students start to take Twitter more seriously,” warned Smith. “You should definitely lock your account and never, EVER believe what a strange Twitter user tweets. I would personally trust Facebook so much more.” Let this be a lesson to all Twitter users because it is the only unreliable form of social media.

The Crusader student newspaper College of the Holy Cross Published weekly since 1925 Friday, November 30, 2012 Volume LXXXIX Number 8

Daydra Keenan, though she thought the blog very funny, denied authorship and said, “Whoever wrote it probably didn’t think anyone would ever see it…” Mo Oram completely denied the claim as well, and said of Amber Jones, “Jones is just bitter because Daydra and I have this brilliant theory that if you cut off all her hair she’d look like a British man. Jones actually wrote the blog, she’s trying to make it look like we did.” Just a few weeks ago, we had to penalize a student for an overly friendly post on the Holy Cross Compliments Facebook page, “said Duvall. “I had no idea that students were capable of using their words in such a harmful manner.” When asked how he would deal with the situation from here on, Duvall explained that in the absence of concrete evidence or a confession from any of the girls, they could only wait for the author to come forward and confess. So for now, we must live with the unsettling possibility that some student sitting a mere table away from you in Kimball may have been the one who called you a Mudblood…I’m still in recovery from that blow.

From DINAND, page 1

brary when the administrators attempted to close the building shortly after 11 PM Saturday night. Head librarian Patricia Ring attempted to usher out the students that filled all the desks at the library. She mentions, “I appreciate the studious nature of these kids, but I had to go home. It had been a long week.” After the announcement was initially made, the students began a sit in, where no one moved. When the entire library staff began telling people to leave a steady “bull crap, bull crap” chant began. Shortly after Public Safety was called in to disband the now raucous crowd. When the students still refused to leave, Public Safety began physically pulling people up out of their seats. It was in this moment that an all out riot began. Desks began toppling over, chairs flew through the air, and books were being torn apart. Various students began ripping

Sara Bovat, Emily Vyse Coolest people you’ll ever meet! (Please don’t fire me!) Deirdre Koenen, Victoria Fritz, Jess Bailot, Elizabeth O’Brien Roofiooooo! Please address correspondence to: David Perretta, Lauren McDonough, Eric Butts, Jeremy Garneau Ha-ha The Crusader “Butts” P.O Box 32A Alannah Heffernan, Charlotte Errity, Katie DeGennaro Never seen “Hook” College of the Holy Cross Zach Lanning Coolest most-goodlooking supreme over-lord of all that is humorous 1 College Street Andrew Fanikos,Tyler Scionti, Beth Fullerton Not Zach Lanning Worcester, MA 01610-2395 Bobby Keilig Also not Zach Lanning but closer to it because he is his roommate Email: Claire Mahoney probabky owns a nice camera Web: Kevin Deehan Please don’t sue us! Andrew Marzo Mouthpiece for the hated corporate overlords who steal from the People To advertise in The Crusader: Tim Moczula, Christopher Quinn Not sure they even read the Crusader Email: James Cerra Not related to Michael Cera so stop asking Phone: (508) 293-1283 Professor Steve Vineberg Secretly wants to be Faculty Advisor for “Good Time Band” Dean Jacqueline Peterson Loves pistachio nut ice cream

down shelving and using them for shields against the furious Pub safety officers. Cliff Paul, ‘13 saw it all; “We were all sitting real quiet, minding our own business, when staff members began forcing us to leave. I felt like my rights as a student were being infringed upon. I came to Dinand because it is a peaceful place to study, and when Pub Safety Officers began ripping people from their seat I knew that this meant war.” Within minutes Holy Cross students were able to subdue to the officers and barricade themselves inside of Dinand Library. Ultimately however, state and Worcester Police forces were able to breach the library with battering rams and tear gas, arresting four-fifths of the student population. All charges were dropped, on account of self-defense, and many students are volunteering to help in the clean up process.

The Crusader is a non-profit, non-partisan, student publication of the College of the Holy Cross. The Crusader is distributed free of charge to all students, faculty, staff, and employees of the institution. The Crusader welcomes letters and op-eds from its readers. Please include your name, address, telephone number, and e-mail address. No submissions will be printed anonymously. All submissions may be edited for content, and must be received by the Sunday prior to publication. The Crusader reserves the right not to publish any letter or content deemed objectionable or which does not meet the editorial standards of the newspaper. Letters may be mailed, e-mailed, or brought to The Crusader office in Hogan 235. The opinions expressed within the newspaper are not necessarily those of the College of the Holy Cross. This newspaper is printed by Community Newspaper Company. Reproduction of any part of this paper is by permission of The Crusader only.



The Crusader

March 22, 2013

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The Cr usader

March 22, 2013

Holy Cross to Take on Sponsorship, Become “Deloitte College of the Holy Tax Code� Art Vandelay

Summer is a great time to catch up, get ahead or try something new. s Choose from more than 300 courses. s )MMERSE YOURSELF IN AN INTENSIVE LANGUAGE OR science sequence. s 'ET AHEAD ON CREDITS TOWARD YOUR DEGREE s %XPERIENCE ALL .ORTHWESTERN AND #HICAGO HAVE TO offer in the summer.

The Board of Directors earlier today approved an unprecedented measure, as the school is to be sponsored by Deloitte Touche Tohmatsu Limited, a London based accounting firm as early as Fall 2013. “Deloitte is a 31 billion dollar corporation,� commented school president Fr. Philip Boroughs, S.J., “We could not be more excited about the venture. They will give us here at Holy Cross significant funding granted that we are willing to make some minor changes around the school. We plan to continue to keep our Jesuit identity because we don’t want to drop the ball with Jesus and pull a Georgetown, but that isn’t to say that there won’t be any changes.� Deloitte plans to be mixing up a few things athletically, including changes to the schools

mascot from “The Crusader� to “The Fighting Spreadsheets� and a change regarding the school’s colors from “Purple and White� to “Gray and Slightly Darker Gray.� Other athletic changes include increased funding to the men’s and women’s lacrosse programs and the additions of men’s and women’s squash and chess programs. There will be many adjustments to academic life on the hill as well. Financial Accounting is going to be considered both an art form to coincide with Cornelius B. Prior’s recent twenty-five million dollar donation. Financial Accounting may also be considered a credit towards one’s foreign language requirement because as many accounting professors have lamented, “It basically is.� Most students at the school did not see this change coming and were curious as to

what had even prompted it. When asked Deloitte CEO Barry Salzberg had this to say, “Yeah we’ve been hoping to go into the college business for a while. The profit margins on these institutions is insane, how colleges have gotten away with charging that much for so little return is beyond me. We shopped around and tried to find a school in a city that really represented how incredibly boring accounting actually is and there was no better candidate than Worcester, MA. It’s always dreary outside, I haven’t been to Worcester a single time when the weather was nice out. And it’s so boring, the entire city just has absolutely nothing going on at any hour of the day which is just like accounting, as boring as humanly possible.� Holy Cross is the first college to take on a sponsorship of this form since Colgate University did in 1819.

Registration opens April 8. Classes begin June 24.

SUMMER INTENSIVES IN NEW YORK May 28–June 20, 2013 Four-week Courses and Workshops in Dance, Environmental Studies, Film Production, and Writing – Earn four college credits* – Study at The New School—a legendary urban university in Greenwich Village – Network with top professionals – Collaborate with peers

*Check with your college to see if credits are transferable. An affirmative action/equal opportunity institution. Photo: Matthew Sussman.

Courtesy of Robert Keilig

A typical classroom resemble this photographed version once the College takes on their new sponsor. From FENWICK, page 1

Thamesworth admitted that he was returning from “Occupy Boyden,� an event meant to humiliate freshman hoping to join the esteemed ranks of Holy Cross’s most conservative news outlet. Later that evening, RAs around campus identified six other underclassmen who had been subjected to similar leftwing embarrassment. Those being initiated were ordered to arrive at an off-campus house with a 30-rack of beers, which would be appropriated according to the Obama Administration’s tax code and redistributed. “It was horrifying,� remembers a freshman, who asked to remain anonymous. “The seniors made us stand up and talk about how citizens owe large portions of their individual earnings to the government, the duty of which is to provide services that help members of society who can’t help themselves. I’ve never been more humiliated.� Ainslie Wilford-Brandon, a

sophomore from Connecticut, told “The Eggplant� staff how she was forced to help construct a pyramid out of empty beer cases while chanting “Four More Years.� After they had finished, a senior wearing a Barack Obama mask charged through the pyramid and screamed, “You didn’t build that!� “We have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to hazing,� announced Marshall Firmhand Associate Dean of Student Affairs. “These initiation acts were meant to embarrass students by forcing them to question the free market, tax the wealthy, and praise the welfare state. I can’t think of a more atrocious way to degrade students from The Fenwick Review.� Strangely enough, excessive alcohol consumption was not a part of the initiation rites, as the underclassman were forced to observe a strict gluten-free vegan diet for the previous week. Despite buying 30 beers each, the students undergoing initiation were forced to give away

whatever beers the taxman had spared in the form of “entitlements.� “They said ‘Your property belongs to the government’,� recalls freshman Derek Staunchwallet IV. “Then they made us walk around campus handing out free beers and telling kids that the Democrats will give you welfare gifts if you vote for them.� In addition to this embarrassment, the students were forced to introduce themselves as prominent liberal figures. “I was Al Franken,� says Staunchwallet. “Ainslie was Nanch Pelosi and Rich was Bill Maher.� Other personas included Senator Barbara Boxer, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and filmmaker Michael Moore. The scandal comes after a controversial decision by the Review’s senior staff to stop distributing the paper free of charge, citing an overabundance of “freeloading, MSNBC-watching hippies.�


The Crusader

March 22, 2013


Opinions Shut Up, Please

Killroy was here.

Because, unfortunately, everyone deserves to have their voice heard... This weeks topic: Babies: An Affront to God?

Tuition is Too Damn Low

The Dinand Games Kat Everdeen District 12 Rep As a Holy Cross senior, there’s nothing worse than walking into my favorite study haunt – Dinand Reading Room – and seeing every table filled with freshmen toiling over their Sociology 101 reading, sweaty athletes stinking up the general vicinity, or science nerds fiddling with their molecule models (there’s a science library for a reason, kids). Meanwhile, I’m forced to squeeze into a cramped cubicle behind one of those weirdoes who stabs the keys on their laptop like they’re trying to murder it (you know who you are) causing my connected desk to seize like its name is Lil Wayne. As a frequent Dinand studier, I find these offenses particularly egregious during major study periods like midterms and finals. After a semester of staking out the same table day after day and night after night, I return some December or May morning to find a few sophomore girls, looking lost and overwhelmed, parked at my table with iced coffees and bags of candy from the Lobby Shop. Clearly, there’s only one good solution to this problem, and it doesn’t involve me physically removing the interloping students from my

Bill Bursar Staff Thief

table, since I tried that last year and I’m now on probation for assault and battery. Given the wild success of The Hunger Games book series and movie franchise, I propose the Dinand Games. The concept of the Dinand Games is simple. Everyone starts at the bottom of the hill on the Kimball steps, and whoever makes it to the front door of the Hart Center first gets first pick of a reading room table for the semester. The tables will continue to be filled in order of place until all are taken. The rules are equally simple – there are none. Much like St. Patrick’s Day, the Dinand Games will be an occasion of revelry and all community standards outlined by the College will be disregarded in the name of fun and school spirit. Winners get a table – losers are resigned to the cubicles deep in the bowels of Dinand with no wi-fi or cell service. A celebratory feast will be held in the reading room after the Games are concluded. By feast I mean selection of light snacks that don’t leave any crumbs behind. Remember, it’s “Dinand, not Dine-In.”

The other day I was walking around (and talking around) with friends, and somebody brought up the fact that tuition is set to increase again for next year. That same person complained: “It’s getting too high!” Fie, I say to that opinion. We should spare no time for mourning our ever-lightening wallets, but rather celebrate the larger price tag and demand that the school lighten the burden of our bank accounts more than they do today. Let’s start with the concrete basics: Last year, when the tuition increased, the school bought a brand new line of totally awesome Smart Cars for the maintenance staff to cruise around in. This sensible (not to mention totally sexy) decision was a result of the straight cash we pumped into the Coffers of the Holy Cross. Now, those that keep this campus in shape don’t even have to try with the ladies when they’re seen rolling around in those four-wheel lay-machines. But the Smart Cars are more than just chick-magnets; they also have enough room for a passenger. Amazing! Unbelievably, they also have enough room for the maintenance staff to store tools (unless those tools are, you know, big and bulky). If we raise tuition even further, then we can buy even more of these cars! Lord knows, we need them – this campus is huge!

Haters Gonna Hate: The Regressive Lifestyle and Why You Love It Andrea Farzo Controversy Starter These days, it’s “progressive” this and “progressive” that. Everybody is so obsessed with the idea of equality that they forget its equally important antonym: inequality. That’s why I am writing this, to encourage you support for the Regressive Movement in the 2014 and 2016 election cycle. Regressive candidates are not Democrats (though their agendas do overlap with them in some respects), and they are most definitely not Republicans. No, those two parties believe in a better America, but fundamentally disagree on how to arrive at that destination. Members of the Regressive Party do not think that there is any way things will ever improve in this world, so why not try going in the opposite direction? We are all about backwards momentum. I will give you an example of Regressive stances on a few issues. First up: abortion. Democrats believe in protecting the privacy rights of a woman to choose whether or not she wants to terminate the life of a fetus. Republicans believe that life starts with conception and that abortion is murder. Regressives take a fundamentally different stance: Make the woman go through the pain of childbirth, and then kill the baby. It’s as backward a position as you can get on the issue, and, thus, is the truly regressive one. Another cause that Regressive candidates support is the reinstitution and expansion of slavery. I mean, come on, it’s free labor – what isn’t great about that? For that reason, it

must be brought back. Furthermore, everybody should be eligible to be a slave regardless of ethnicity. In this way, nobody will be free to enjoy the “rights” that those interested in “progress” have bestowed upon you. Just imagine what it will be like to be a slave again: You won’t have to worry about anything! Well, except disease and physical abuse. But you’ll be so uneducated that you will just chalk illness up to ghosts and physical abuse to the superiority of your masters. A third, great point on the Regressive agenda is climate change. Specifically, what we can do to make it happen faster. I ask you, how messed up is it that there are still fossil fuels in existence that we haven’t used yet? Seriously, there are available resources. That’s a problem. We need to burn through them faster than a hooker through an eight ball of cocaine. Only then will we be able to choke the planet and regress to the point where the Earth will return to the lifeless mound of dirt that it once was. Now, that’s true regression! But wait, there’s more! Regressives are against not only gay marriage, but straight marriage as well. It has been proven that the family unit is beneficial to the upbringing of a child. We believe children shouldn’t be raised so much as broken; they are cruel things that need to learn how to survive in the streets and not from the wisdom of their parents. So, please, don’t forget to vote Regressive! Oh, and we, like support free beer because, screw it, why not?

Another reason to pay more is prestige. When people look at Holy Cross, they stereotype us as upper-middle class and upper class students. But, if we keep raising tuition, they’ll eventually see us all as business tycoons – because, lord knows, you’ll have to be one to attend this place at the rate I suggest! Now, what’s more impressive to a potential employer: Somebody who paid a large amount to go to college, or somebody who paid a notable percentage of America’s GDP to earn a degree? Finally, it would be spiritually charitable for the school to take more of our money. Think about it. Money is the root of all evil – therefore, if the school takes it from us, we become better people. Better, Smart Car driving people who are elitist. Doesn’t that sound awesome? I think it does. Everybody should just face it: College isn’t about the friends you make or the grades you earn. It’s about being pompous, about being an elitist. And nothing says “elitist” like disposable income. So, rise up – join me in demanding we give the school more money to buy sexy Smart Cars and to deliver the same educational product to students as it has in the past (and that is offered at other institutions). After all, why not pay more to our educational overlords?



The Cr usader

March 22, 2013

Common Cents: To Drink or Not To Drink Tyler Scionti Sports Co-Editor Here’s a brief disclaimer, economics does not lend itself easily to satire. You ever get a good look at an economist? I don’t think I could ever qualify for the job just because I don’t fit the part, I mean there’s a reason they call it the “dismal science.” Let’s face it, economics is not a fun subject, and it’s never funny. Though I may try hard to come up with some lame jokes, I find the opportunity cost of sitting around to be far too great, so I’ll just write this. While economics is not exactly humorous in it’s own right, it does apply to interesting situations, such as student drinking. There is a bit of satire in the fact that though the official policy we are given claims that the community is against student drinking, they can’t really afford to shut down our celebrations in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. Economics is all about incentives and how we as consumers respond to those incentives. The general standard policy by the college and the Worcester community is that students should not drink or party. It makes sense, the drinking age is 21 years old and let’s face it: We aren’t all 21. Also, partying causes a great deal of damage and gives the school a bad reputation, so we should just get rid of drinking and the whole St. Patrick’s Day celebration right? Well, let’s look at the effect of that. I was taking a cab and struck up a conversation with the driver (as any good passenger should do!) about St. Paddy’s day and how they must be busy that weekend. He said yes, but he made sure he got the day off and he had saved up $100 to spend on alcohol. That’s a good amount of money, and I’m guessing that most people don’t spend $100.00 on their own, but let’s give each person a basket of goods that costs $50 on average (of course I could very well be wrong, but I’d never spend that much on alcohol). Now, assuming half the people drink on campus and all of those people

spend $50 then, quite roughly, you have about $70,000 spent on alcohol on one given weekend. This number is hardly scientific and should not be taken as fact, it’s just a very rough estimate but given that it still tells us a lot. So the College can do what it wants to ban student drinking, and the Worcester community can say what it wants about student drinking, but the fact is that the Worcester micro-economy faces a disincentive to curb underage drinking. If Holy cross were to go stone cold sober on St. Patrick’s Day then that would be a massive hit to the liquor stores, which in turn takes income out of their hands. You see, that $50.00 you spent does a lot more than get you hammered, it pays the salary of the guy at the counter, which he spends and invests which in turn pays the salary of someone else. That gets multiplied over an infinite amount of times, but if you don’t spend it, it’s gone, thus decreasing the output and welfare in the economy. Am I advocating student drinking? No, first off I can’t because I could get into trouble, but with each decision made there is always a laundry list of opportunity costs. With drinking and partying comes a great deal of property damage, which should it total more than $70,000 would outweigh the benefit. There are also many costs that aren’t measured in dollars like the peace and serenity of neighbors to the school that get lost due to partying, or extra trash on campus… the list goes on and on. Still it’s not a black and white issue, there are many benefits and costs to each side and the economic solution would pick the one that brings a greater overall surplus. To calculate that you’d need a lot of data and even more time, and I don’t think anyone hear wants to be bored to death by a long series of numbers. Got an issue on campus you are interested in learning more about? Shoot me an email and I will do my best to address it in my next column (no seriously send me ideas, this stuff isn’t easy)

The Most Important Article That Was Ever Written or Published in Any Paper that Has Ever Been Printed Since the Creation of the Written Word as Given to us by God Himself Through the Phoenecians When They First Encountered the Greeks Way Back in Antiquity and Set in Motion the History of Mankind that Has Allowed For This Wonderful Article to be Written, Nay, Crafted for Thine Eyes Only and For the Consumption of Only Your Brain, Dear Reader, as You Ponder The Marvels Within This Text and Come to Grips with Your New Understanding of Reality, For What You Previously Knew was By All Accounts a Lie and This Will Purge Your Mind of All False Knowledge, Thus Ushering In A New Beginning Duane Allman Staff Ramblin’ Man Oh dear, it would appear that

I have written such a long title that I have run out of space for this article. That is totally my bad.

Got an opinion? Keep it to yourself ! This paper is for real writers only. If you have anything of value to publish, we recommend submitting it to The Fenwick Re view. E-mail: They publish real journalism, not this garbage!


The Crusader

Recently, a Kimball student worker, who chose to remain anonymous, made a discovery in the kitchen: Kimball re-uses the food from the composting bins in the dining hall. The discovery was made when he witnessed one of the chefs taking food out of a big red compost bin and adding some spices to it. Within a day, the Public Safety intervened at Kimball to further investigate the accusations of the student worker. After grudgingly long questions and food analyses, the shocking rumor was verified. Months ago, the onset of the new compost system excited environmentalists on campus because it promised a more efficient and greener food system. Yet this “green” façade did not last very long, thanks to the investigative skills of Holy Cross’ Kimball student worker. The repercussions for Kimball’s actions and its fate are currently uncertain. This controversial discovery doesn’t surprise me. Over the past couple of weeks, I have noticed a familiarity with every meal I have had, but I never thought it was all the same food. Part of the student body is impressed with the cleverness of Kimball, who took a risky business venture, yet an unsettling feeling persists for some students whenever they swipe in at Kimball. Groups on campus have begun


Spring Break Immersion Sends Group to Salty Dog

The Truth About Composting Kim Kimball Staff Party-Pooper

March 22, 2013

Kirk Diggler Ruggedly Handsome Reporter

conducting discussions on campus to debate the implications of Kimball’s actions. Many of these debates have resulted in a schism of opinion towards this issue. Just like with any major decision, we need to weigh the pros and cons. Obviously with this unique form of composting, we are becoming a greener campus by not wasting any food because we simply re-use it. On the other hand, there could be potential health problems amongst the students and faculty. To be frank, I love this new composting system! It reflects the entrepreneurial genius of Kimball, as well as their bold statement against global poverty. Yes, some people think this system is disgusting, but the humanitarian and clever businessman within me tells me that re-using the food from our composting system is an innovative step in the right direction. I am glad the anonymous Kimball student worker made this discovery. Although his intention was to shut down Kimball by the Board of Health, he has inadvertently revealed the brains behind Kimball. I have such a deeper respect for Kimball now after I have learned the truth. As students here at Holy Cross, we all must make this bold move against poverty and keep on eating the same food. We all need to stand up for this cause and convince the administration to keep the red bins alive. Keep on composting Holy Cross!

The Spring Break Immersion Program’s newest site is also its most popular: The Salty Dog Saloon. The Program cites the Dog’s unsanitary conditions, rampant vices, and general repulsiveness as the main reasons for its addition to the Appalachia lineup. “It’s really a question of social responsibility,” says Connor Sullivan, the group’s student leader. “The Salty Dog is by far the dirtiest, sketchiest bar known to man, and it’s our duty as men and women for others to take action.” The Spring Break Immersion Program’s mission is to learn from and work with struggling communities facing difficult circumstances. Sometimes, those places are right in our own back yard, and are facing challenges like floor vomit, bathroom sex, and drunken bro-fights. “We’re privileged to go to a school like Holy Cross,” says Sullivan, “But just a few blocks away there’s a place where you can ride a mechanical bull and get a sticker

slapped on your butt while an announcer asks how many people in the crowd are getting lucky tonight. That just isn’t right.” Over the break, the students who traveled to the Dog participated in a number of activities aimed at making it suck less. Students spent several days trying to eradicate whatever that grayish stuff is that accumulates on your shoes. Students also labored tirelessly to install working plumbing and stall doors in the men’s restroom. Despite their efforts, the group was largely unsuccessful. In addition, students on the trip were immersed in the realities of Salty life through educational exercises. In one activity, group members had to subsist for a full day on the average Salty Dog diet, which consists of Keystone Light, watered down Tequila shots, and the saliva of that kid from your Anthropology class who you normally wouldn’t touch but hey whatever, sorry-I’mnot-sorry #yolo. As with all Appalachia trips, student-led reflection was a major part of group cohesion. “The discussions were all really deep,” remembers sophomore Stephanie Moore.

“We talked about how much being at Salty made us hate ourselves, but how if we hype it up enough it might not suck for once. Some of the kids really opened up about the times they puked in their mouths and got kicked out.” The Salty Immersion group insists, like every other Appasquad, that their group is obviously the best. “I mean come on,” laughs Aiden O’Doole, ‘14, “We all drew X’s on our hands, and wore matching butt-stickers with sheer tops and five-inch wedges to the Edge. That’s sooo Appa-love.” Acceptance to the site was competitive, as only those applicants with years of Salty Dog experience made the final cut. Future Appa-lovers will have to join a 200-person waiting list if they want to spend their Spring Break at Worcester’s classiest dive bar. However, a spokesman for the Program has warned students that if their efforts cannot clean up the Salty Dog within the next few years, it will probably have to be condemned and destroyed.

Back to the Kitchen, Ladies Gilly Bedletter Staff Realist

All right girls, this farce of a women’s movement has gone on long enough. You’ve put up a fair fight, wearing your pantsuits and sensible shoes, toiling over reports that your boss will shove to the bottom of the pile, struggling to make your voice heard in company meetings, getting a promotion only to be told by every one of your peers that a man would do a better job. Give. It. Up. As a woman, I know as well as anyone else that we hate working! There’s nothing I’d despise more than waking up every morning and driving to some stuffy office where a bunch of idiots bumble around all day trying to sell paper or write articles or create world peace. Or whatever people do in offices. I wouldn’t really know. Women are much better off in an environment where they’re in control, where they can thrive and make important decisions like what to make for dinner, or what kind of toilet paper to buy. (My advice is two-ply!) So what’s a college woman to do these days? You’re already a couple hundred grand in the hole on that degree – Shakespearean Lit won’t teach you how to make a casserole and you certainly don’t lean how to get rid of those pesky bathtub rings in Biology 201! At this point, it’s really a wash. Unless, that is, you manage to graduate with the degree coveted by ladies all around the world – the MRS! So put your game face on and flirt, flirt, flirt! And listen up – this might be the best advice you get your whole college career – go for the pre-med guys! Sure they’ll be in school forever but think about what will come of all their hard work… money! Stand around the science café looking cute and you’ll get your man in no time. You can snag a house in Greenwich and vacation home on Montauk, and a wardrobe that would make Blair Waldorf jealous. Majors to avoid include English, Theater, History, and Sociology. They’ll never make a dime.

The Roving Reporter “Matt Damon” -Ben Affleck, ‘98

What would you Jihad against? “The Twilight Saga”

“The Eggplant.” –Holy Cross Smart Car, ‘18

–Staff Llama, ‘22

“Capitalist pigs! Long live the glorious rebellion of the working class!” -Kelly Ripa, ‘09

“Turnips! Turnips and anti-freeze!” –Senile Old Man, ‘51

“Those pesky final exams! Locking myself down in Dinand for weeks with my trusty Cool Beans latte is totz NOT what I want to be doing on a beautiful spring day!.” –Tyler Brown, ‘14

The Cr usader


March 22, 2013

How $25 Million Changes Everything Ross Choly Chronic Complainer By now you have probably heard that the school received a 25 million dollar donation from a generous alumnae. If you are like me, you are probably wondering why everything on this campus is still so expensive. We got twenty-five million dollars for heck’s sake! How is tuition still $55,000 a year? This one time donation directed toward our arts program should single-handedly produce a permanent decrease in our tuition. No, I do not care that tuition is able to be so high because not only are people willing to pay it, but if it gets so high that some refuse to keep forking over the money, there is literally a line of people (the waitlist) that are willing to step in and pay. It is bad enough that tuition is as high as it is, but how are we not getting more free stuff ? Laundry should be free! We are paying about eleven grand a year for room and board to live on campus about eight months per year. That means you and your family are paying a little more than a thousand dollars a month and you are only receiving a room, unlimited electricity, unlimited wifi, unlimited hot and cold running

water, and unlimited access to your dorm’s kitchen. Is this a joke? What kind of cheapskates run this school? This was unacceptable before, but now that we have received this onetime donation directed to the arts program, this is a travesty. Laundry should be free. More than that, when are we getting heated toilet seats? How are there not hot tubs in every room in the senior apartments? Let us step back for a moment and recall that the physical plant workers recently got Smart Cars! Smart Cars! They are given the opportunity to drive around campus in stylish and environmentally friendly vehicles and students are still forced to walk to class? Twenty-five million dollars could easily cover smart cars for all students. How about something we all can enjoy? If you have ever lived on lower campus and tried to keep in shape, you likely know what a horrible walk it is from Williams to the Hart Center. Holy Cross, if you are not going to give everyone Smart Cars, the least you could do would be to build a chair-lift extending from freshman field up to the turf behind Hart. Stops at Kimball, Smith, and Hogan would also be ideal. Holy Cross is acting like they did not receive a big donation recently. Look, if you win the lottery

do you invest that money? No, you buy six mansions and a Ferrari. Holy Cross just won the lottery. Where is my Ferrari? I jest, surely twenty-five million dollars is not enough to buy every student a Ferrari, but we are no longer a “poor” college. For too long have our Jesuits had to uphold their vow to poverty; Father Boroughs should be cruising across campus in a brand new Lambo with Father K. riding shotgun. If you want to get technical, the donation was supposed to be in support of the arts at Holy Cross. If that is the case, where are the original Monet paintings which should be displayed in every residence hall across campus? Why haven’t we resurrected Andy Warhol yet? No, it does not matter that the College of the Holy Cross is actually a multimillion dollar not-for-profit business. It does not matter that twenty-five million dollars is only a drop in the bucket for the magnitude of expenses an institution such as Holy Cross requires to run. None of this matters. Tuition should be slashed, everything on campus should be free, I should have a Smart Car to zip to class in, and at the very least, Andy Warhol should be teaching Visual Arts -- they can do that in the science complex, right?

Hospitals...What’s up with That? Steven Dinkerman No One Likes Me So, get this. I’m walking around Worcester the other day, as I am wont to do, when suddenly I look up and BOOM... Hospital. Not only was this building huge and unsightly, but I said to myself, I said Steve, Steven, Dinkmeister... There’s a bunch of sick people in there, dude, you should probably get out of here right now. And so I did exactly that because I always listen to myself, and I never looked back. Upon further reflection, the concept of “the Hospital” really started to bother me. Who thought that it was a good idea to just put a bunch of sick people together right in proximity to a community of healthy people where they can just get us all sick with their sick germs? What if, absent mindedly, I had walked into “the Hospital” that day, walked upstairs, and fell on a dude who had shingles? Now I have shingles and it wasn’t my fault at all! I don’t want shingles, it’s an awful diesase. I don’t think you would want shingles either... seriously, I’ll show you pictures it’s awful. Anyway, so I’m sitting there thinking about how awful this

whole “Hospital” business is when, suddenly, it hits me. I turn and I say to myself, I say Dinkmeister... Dinkledog... Oh Great Dinkled One.. .we should totally get rid of Hospitals! Now, hear me out on this one I’ve actually done some research. Do you know how everyone is all like, “Before Hospitals, we couldn’t cure diseases and so many people died from things like the Black Plague in medeival Europe.”? Well I looked it up, and the Black Plague only killed 2/3 of the population in Europe at the time. Now, in case you couldn’t see, that is a fraction, and last time I checked fractions were small numbers; so small that I’m pretty sure they’re not even equal to 1. What in the world is everyone so scared of if the Black Plague only killed a fraction of the population? Seems to me like everyone’s over-reacting. Since there is absolutely no danger if we do away with Hospitals, I’m going to start now. You can all join me when I take a sledge hammer to the side of the Hospital in Worcester and make all the gross, sick people leave on Sunday. DINKERMAN OUT!


The Cr usader

March 22, 2013


Features Cantor Art Gallery Holy Cross Wins to Feature Rejected Prestigious Award for Papal Shoes Best Culinary Experience Emma Pcolinski Shoe Fetish Staffer

Charlotte Errity Features Co-Editor In a recent international press conference, the president and CEO of Saint James Culinary Institute said of the College, “Never before have I seen a campus that has utilized their culinary resources in such a beautiful manner that has brought together both the campus and the Worcester community.” Shortly after these remarks, he awarded the College with the Saint James Culinary Award, the respected award that recognizes the many categories of the culinary field: specialty dishes, complimentary beverages, decadent desserts, farm-fresh ingredients, all-night dining, and overall innovation. The award is exclusively given to college campuses that celebrate fine dining and culinary skill. Throughout the international press conference, broadcast on notable networks such as CSPAN, Fox News, and CNN, the president went on to praise the certain aspects of the College’s culinary program. “In all our years of taste-testing, we have never seen a macaroni and cheese distinguish itself with such unbelievable texture.” Indeed, the president was referring to the famous “putrid colored” macaroni and cheese of the Kimball Main Dining Hall; this dish astounded the judges, ultimately, in the “specialty dishes” category. Kimball Dining also amazed the judges in the complimentary beverages category with their availability in surplus of ninety ounce cups to fill, unlimitedly, at the Kimball soda fountains. When asked whether the ninety ounce cups were a response to Mayor Bloomberg of New York City’s infamous “soda ban,” Kimball Dining Hall declined, saying, “We just want our hard working students to be refreshed and hydrated.” The College continues to outshine other universities due to its unbelievably innovative culinary ideas. In Holy Cross’ esteemed business school, the Fenwick School for Business, students have collaborated to bring their entrepreneurial ideas to the culinary stage—which happens to be right on campus. New kitchen concepts were funded by the Fenwick School for Business in order to test market new business plans, including the mobile kitchens throughout Worcester. Business school students recognized that the hills through-

out Holy Cross create a continued inconvenience, so the judges were impressed with the food truck service, implemented just last year. Easy Street became easier with Kimball-On-Wheels, a food truck recently featured this summer on The Great Food Truck Race. The judges were impressed by how Kimball-OnWheels created a sense of convenience for our hard-working students and community. Since the innumerable success from the Kimball-On-Wheels initiative, the Business School has partnered with Holy Cross’ world-renowned science department to bring students a Dip-inDots-type ice cream experience. The science department assists in the celebrated “flash-freezing,” and the Business School markets the product. The judges, too, were impressed by their collaboration, “The innovative techniques and skills that are present on this campus are incredible. It is wonderful to see students collaborate from all spectrums of the College.” Their “flash-freezing” enterprise is soon to be featured on ABC’s prime-time television show, Shark Tank. Indeed, innovation is thriving on campus. Kimball’s astounding success from Hibachi night was attributed to both Feng Asian Bistro and 7NANA Steakhouse who sent, together, a grand total of fifty highly trained Hibachi chefs to participate in Hibachi night; two thousand students showed up to last month’s event. The pure success from Hibachi night shows how forward-thinking Kimball Dining Hall is. Additionally, midnight Barbeque pits in the Kimball courtyard every Thursday night are a huge hit around campus. An anonymous student comments, “When I’m sitting in Lehy, and get a whiff of Bubba’s classic barbeque on a Thursday night, I gotta get down to the Kimball courtyard.” It’s proven: Bubba’s famous barbeque brings students together. Kimball continues to be progressive, defying the norm, by both their iPad-ordering system, and their WiFi and SMS ordering system for delivery, straight to the dormitories. Kimball comments, “We pride ourselves on our twenty-four hour delivery service. If it your food is not at your dorm in thirty minutes, free meal swipe!” Holy Cross dining has also been testing a new iOS app which shows all the school’s menus, in one easyto-access location: right to the ever-popular smart phones that

seem to dominate the campus. As one in three American families is now catering to a glutenfree family member, Kimball has chosen to go entirely gluten free. Kimball Dining feels that its switch to gluten free doesn’t take away from the taste of their food (no, certainly not), but instead maximizes the health bonuses from a gluten free diet. “In a country focused on Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ campaign, we feel as if this is a wonderful contribution to the First Lady’s project,” says a Kimball worker. Furthermore, menus designed by the Hart Center’s fitness trainers are present throughout Kimball, including a protein-based diet and an available juice cleanse for all students. The students who work at the school’s personal farm and greenhouse were grateful for this award, as well. The Saint James Culinary Award recognized the devotion that students have towards making sure every ingredient in Kimball and other dining locations is “farm fresh;” the Agriculture majors here on the Hill always wake up at 4 in the morning in order to ensure a proper fresh crop delivery to the Kimball Main Dining Hall. It’s no doubt that the judges were truly impressed by the campus’ devotion to “farm fresh ingredients.” In the coming months, the Agriculture majors on the Hill hope to start up a new oncampus brewery, catering exclusively to the Pub in Hogan. All in all, there is much to be celebrated for the College’s culinary programs and food service locations. They bring an incredible breadth to the College’s many offerings, both academically and socially. Kimball has a history of students serving students in white jackets in 1960; over fifty years later, to receive such an award, is something to be proud of. While nobody from the campus was able to comment, this reporter has inside sources that in festivity from receiving the Saint James Culinary Award, Gordon Ramsey will be joining students and staff at Kimball to host a special celebratory meal.

Earlier this week, Holy Cross officials announced that the twenty-five million dollar donation to the arts will be used to purchase and showcase the rejected shoes of history’s first Jesuit pope. When Pope Francis, I announced that he would not be wearing the iconic red Prada shoes, breaking tradition once again, Holy Cross was at the ready to snatch up the symbol of papal wealth and power. Sources say that the Cantor Art Gallery will be dedicated entirely to the papal shoes, their history, and their maintenance. The Jesuit institution snagged the shoes before many big names could, including Lady Gaga, who when asked of her motivations behind the unsuccessful bid, admitted to plans for a future album. “The shoes would have been the perfect piece to kick off my upcoming tour—the whole album is a satire of Catholicism, so the controversy would have brought me back into relevancy.” Officials attribute the successful purchase to the new pope’s affiliation with the Illuminati—an organization close to every Crusader’s heart. Every Crusader knows that the triangle formed by O’Kane, Stein, and Dinand is the clear influence of Benedict Joseph Fenwick S.J., a well-respected Illuminati member, who was even briefly mentioned in Dan Brown’s best selling novel, The da Vinci Code. In fact, Mario Prada, the founder of Prada, was so struck by Fenwick’s work that the emblem of his designer

brand is rife with Illuminati imagery. Because of all of this, it was the sensible choice for the Vatican to entrust the red Prada shoes to the College. Father Boroughs, S.J., the newly instated president of Holy Cross, commented on the purchase, saying, “We feel that this is the perfect way to invest the twenty-five million dollars. Bringing this piece of history and art to College Hill will add so much to each student’s college experience. The shoes should be ready for viewing next fall.” The shoes, never actually worn by Pope Francis I, will be sent out by the Vatican via the historic, iconic carrier-ostrich, Barnabus, and will then arrive at the college by glass-bottom boat next Tuesday at 11:42 A.M., to be received by Holy Cross’ Order of the Illuminati, the most exclusive club on campus, only rivaled in popularity by the Ballroom Dance Team. Flocks of students are expected to gather on the steps of Dinand to witness the arrival of the shoes. Area liquor stores are preparing for the festivities by overstocking their shelves. Public Safety is already preparing for potential rowdy behavior. Their official release comments, “We realize that this is a big day for the students, but that’s no excuse to break the college’s alcohol policy.” Already, many, though admittedly mostly classics majors, have been starting chant’s such as “Habemus Pape calceamenta!”, which translates to “We have the Pope’s shoes!” It is anticipated to be the greatest event in Holy Cross history.

You Know You’re an HC Betch When... You know you’re an HC betch never pay for a cab to Salty... You know you’re an HC betch show up to class holding Starbucks... You know you’re an HC betch when...the only sweatpants you own are LuLu Lemon... You know you’re an HC betch elliptical in the Loyola Gym... You know you’re an HC betch eat a weight watchers pizza on your cheat day... You know you’re an HC betch have a part of your closet dedicated to going out tops... You know you’re an HC betch use E&S Laundry Service... You know you’re an HC betch carry a Longchamp...

You Know You’re an HC Bro When... You know you’re an HC bro wear a flannel shirt four days out of the week... You know you’re an HC bro stomp through Dinand in Timberlands... You know you’re an HC bro when...your mother bought you Beats for Christmas... You know you’re an HC bro work out with a group of other HC bros... You know you’re an HC bro when...your closet is full on Vineyard Vines and Ralph Lauren... You know you’re an HC bro use the word "hung" and "rally"... You know you’re an HC bro when...your weekend starts Wednesday night... You know you’re an HC bro ski in the winter and golf in the summer...



The Cr usader

March 22, 2013


The Cr usader

Student Survery Finds “Not Enough Emails” From the College Victoria Fritz News Co-Editor Here on the Hill, administrators are always looking for ways to ensure that all students attending the college have the ability to get involved and remain connected with the community. Whether it be information regarding the next big art exhibit in Cantor, the third respected speaker in a week, or a great new Pilates class to help us girls train for posh motherhood workouts, faculty wants to make sure we know what's really happening in each sector of oncampus life every minute of every day. Recently, feedback has been such that the administration finds cause to worry that their messages aren't enough. "I'm really not sure we reach out often enough or evenly enough to really involve all students," says one anonymous faculty

member. To combat this worry, a survey was created and sent to all students regarding satisfaction with communication efforts in the college's part. The results were alarming: a majority of students found that they felt under served by the communication efforts via campus email. "We just don't get enough emails," one forlorn Sociology major commented. "I want to get involved with more clubs and keep on track with events going on in my major, but I just don't get enough information to make this possible." (This student also admits to not owning a smartphone, and already being in nine clubs on campus.) As would be true for any college campus, this result was alarming, especially when HC has so prided itself on its excellent commu-

nication with students. "We were blindsided," one staffer reports. "I never thought we would see the day when email volume would need an increase." In response to the alarming findings of the survey, the campus has vowed to increase email traffic tenfold. More minute details of everyday life are to be reported- for example, the mood of the cooks in Kimball from Kimball head staffers (to alert students as to the potential quality of their food), and detailed reports of animal activity on campus (in the event that avid birdwatchers continue to suffer their disappointment in email scarcity in silence). "Hopefully this will give us more favorable survey results in the future," reports one faculty member.

“AppaLove” Continues to Trend on Twitter Sara Bovat Co-Editor-in-Chief After two weeks since students arrived back from Spring Break Immersion, “AppaLove” still trends on Twitter. Most years, St. Patrick’s Day marks the plateau of the cult-like aftermath on campus. Yet, this year proves to hold a longerthan-usual retention rate for group chemistries. Tweets range from “SPOTTED: Dad and Mom chatting by the salad bar at Kimball #AppaLove” to “Gym, tanning, and laundry with the group #AppaLoveForever” to “Listening to ‘Wagon Wheel’ on repeat #AppaLove.” The Chaplains Office is enthusiastic to see the broad effect that the immersion trips

have had on its participants. “Spring Break Immersion Program is meant to bring Holy Cross students together with new communities apart from their own in addition to with each other,” said Karty Melly, Assistant Chaplain and Director of the Arrupe Immersion Program. “Although I’d like to think of myself as familiar with the gossip, I am happy to be able to see the various groups bonding. The Holy Cross Campus Ministry Twitter has been blissfully pressing the Retweet feature at non-stop pace!” Many non-Spring Break Immersion Program participants, however, find the “AppaLove” presence on Twitter to be overbearing. Sheila Walters, ‘15 commented, “To be completely honest, it is bothersome enough to see my friends’

March 22, 2013


Overheard on the Hill “Large iced coffee, please. No, skim milk. Yea, thanks. Anyway, I always thought “The Eggplant” was overrated.” *** “So then I grabbed her by the...Hey, dude, excuse me? Can I help you? Why are you standing there listening to us, this is a private conversation...You’re gonna put this in the newspaper? No, I’m not okay with that, why would I be ok with that, that’s a direct invasion of my privacy HEY DON’T RUN AWAY GET BACK HERE!”

Ask-A-Llama Staff Llama Certified Spiritual Guide Dear Llama, Well, it’s me again. I know you haven’t answered my 27 other letters but hopefully this week is the one! Ok, so, where do I even begin? Oh gosh, Llama, I don’t know it just always seems like the world is out to get me, you know? NO ONE is as smart as I am and EVERYONE is just so fake all the time! Like the other day, my roomate was all, “Hey Lizzie! Stop using that picutre of my sick Mom to wipe up the nail polish you spilled!” And I’m all, like, get over it! You know? She can’t be that sick if she’s taking pictures. I bet I would get more likes on Instagram than her anyway. So now she’s all upset and she wants to move out because I’m “a soulless she-devil” or something like that. I don’t want her to move out because I KNOW that I’ll get some random weirdo, but if she keeps acting like this I don’t know if I can handle living with her anymore. What should I do? Sincerely, Fabulously Flustered

unhealthy obsessions with these people in real life, never mind in cheesy, written-form all over Twitter.” A similar bitterness that stemmed from the technological presence of groups’ Appa includes the subtle, competition among the groups. One comment overheard in Kimball Dining Hall included, “Wow, the Kentucky group seems to be hanging out a lot. I haven’t seen my group since like yesterday afternoon... Sending them a group text right now!” Despite some evidence of emotional drawbacks, the Twitter trending of “AppaLove” marks the continued success of the long-standing Spring Break Immersion Program and the long-lasting relationships that Dear Fabulously Flustered, a week can build. Thhhbbbbbppptptttppppp-

p h pbppbpbppbpptptpbppbpbb bbbbbttttthhhhhbbbbppttt. Thhbbpptt, Llama Dear Llama, I don’t usually do stuff like this, but I feel like it’s time to speak up to someone and get some help. You seem like the animal that I can turn to to help me fix my life afer I read something that you write in a newspaper column. Anywho, I’m in real deep trouble, Llama. There’s this girl that I really, really like, I’m talking full on marriage wth kids in the countryside here, Llama. The only problem is I’ve never talked to her. I see her around campus about once a week, and I stood behind her in line at Crossroads once Freshman year, but other than that we have had no interaction with each other at all. Do you think she’s into me? Is there anyway that I can find out? I tried to look at her interests on Facebook to see if we were compatible, but her profile was private so I couldn’t. One time I think I heard her laughing at a joke I made, but I hadn’t made a joke and she was talking to somebod else so I couldn’t tell. HELP ME LLAMA, GODDAMNIT! Sincerely,

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Hopeless Romantic Dear Hopeless Romantic, Thhbbbpptthhbpptptpbbtppbt. Thhbbpbpptpttpppppbtbtbt btbtbtbt-thbpt-thbptthbbpppppptt. Thhbbbppt, Llama Dear Llama, I can’t decide if I like Turkey or Roast Beef on my sandwhiches. Any advice? Sincerely, Chuck Dear Chuck, I think you have a bigger problem here than just your choice of sandwhich meat, Chuck. Your inabliity to choose signals to me that you are suffering from a crippling lack of self confidence. The fact that you can wake up and make it though the day without weeping uncontrollably at all of your egregious faults is beyond me. I am also aware of some unresolved issues that you may have with your mother. My advice to you is to get it together and put your house in order before it all colapses down around you. Also, turkey. Thbbbpptt, Llama



The Crusader

March 22, 2013

In Other News... Headlines from around Campus and the World

“The Eggplant” Editor Killed By Falling Stack of Newspapers: Rest of Staff Savors the Irony

After Much Confusion, $25 Mil. Donation Found to be For Performing “Farts” Center

Recent Report Shows Holy Crusader of the Week: Cross is the Only College The Girl Who Came With with an Alcohol Issue You to a Party and Left With Jebediah Horowitz Staff Amish Rabbi College towns across the country have been historically known for their quiet atmospheres and mellow nightlives; however, a recent report published by Mothers Against Teens Stealing Their Alcohol (MATSTA) claims that College Hill in Worcester, Massachusetts is quite the opposite, thanks to Holy Cross. The report stated, “Holy Cross, out of the 389 institutions studied, is the only school with a drinking problem.” As ridiculous as it may sound, students at the College of the Holy Cross are consuming alcohol and partying. College officials and Worcester residents are outraged and expecting this problem to be taken care of promptly. One Dean commented, “We are in awe… it’s unheard of for college age students to drink alcohol. Plus, as a strictly undergraduate institution, 70% of our student body is under 21 years of age—so are they doing it illegally?” The students were not as baffled as the administration when this report first made national headlines. One Mulledy freshman commented, “Yea, Holy Cross is a crazy environment. I never thought I would turn into one of these maniacs, but I did. My friends and I share a light beer on Friday nights as we do Orgo homework and listen to TSwift—‘Fifteen,’ of course, not ‘Red.’ We’re not insane!’” A Holy Cross senior who lives on Boyden Street commented, “I would have never expected to drink in college… Perhaps the

highlighter fumes from years of long nights in Dinand were a gateway drug to alcohol, but now my friends and I can basically crush an entire Heineken Mini Keg in the span of a month or so.” Other students are not as thrilled about the designation. An outraged upperclassman commented, “I don’t see why the entire school has been labeled as this party school when it’s clearly just the kids over in Loyola—they go hard.” And indeed they do. Unfortunately, the College’s neighbors don’t care about the particular culprits—they just want answers. Caro Street has traditionally been ideal place for young families to plant their roots and teach their children to ride their bikes. Now, students fill the streets with open containers and party seven days a week. A resident and father of two commented, “I never saw this coming—college atmospheres used to be such wholesome environments for kids… I guess we have seen it all now, college students drinking.” The College has launched a task force to investigate and take care of this alcohol problem on the College’s campus. Early findings suggest the cause is Kimball food. Consultants from other colleges known for their strict policies, such as UMASS Amherst, Boston College, and University of Georgia, have been brought in to assist further on this issue.

Your Friend Year: Freshmore Hometown: Somewhere in Fairfield County, Connecticut Major: Sociology, formerly Chemistry Pre-Med Roommates: The best and prettiest girl in the wooorrlld #LoveYa Favorite artist: Ke$ha Motto for life: “What team are you on?” Favorite spot on campus: Salty Best dorm to live in: “Um, as a freshman definitely Alumni, but now I prefer 31 Caro.” Guilty pleasure: [content censored by Eggplant staff] One word you would use to describe yourself: not fake Three words your friends would use to describe you: hot, fun, girl Favorite past time: Snapchat with my biffles! Pet peeve: average-looking guys Favorite TV shows: Pretty Little Liars, Secret Life of the American Teenager, the Bachelor Best movie: Youube

Kim Jong-Un Threatens Military Action Upon Learning Dennis Rodman is not President Obama Favorite book: Role model: Ke$ha Favorite place travelled to: Laundry Service Childhood aspiration: Being the Bride at Mock Wedding Favorite holiday: Hockey Freshman Formal Worst summer job: “Ugh, corporate finance leadership intern at my dad’s consulting firm…no hot guys.” Do you have an HC bucket list, if so what’s number one? Being the Rugby Queen! Favorite word: Science Favorite off-campus Worcester restaurant: Salty Where could you be found…on a Tuesday at 11 am? Dinand window side #UghSoMuchWork …On a Friday at 1 am? 31 Caro, covered in highlighter …On a Saturday at 9 pm? Selfies with the girls!!!! #MulledyLove Best piece of advice you’ve ever received: “You should come back to my house.” Fondest Holy Cross memory: “Booze Blanket” What would you rather be doing right now? Changing my relationship status to Married to my Biffle!



The Crusader

March 22, 2013


Because there aren’t any gladiator fights anymore...

HC Baseball Players Test Positive for Non-Performance Enhanching Drugs Ted Cullinane Eggplant-Extrodinaire FITTON FIELD: In the current era of Major League Baseball, players’ usage of performance enhancing drugs has raised concerns from fans about the integrity and validity surrounding “America’s Pastime.” This “doping” scandal has motivated changes to off-season and inseason testing in the MLB. Recently a few players on Holy Cross’s baseball team found themselves in a bit of a “pickle” after they tested positive for an illegal substance by the NCAA, although it wasn’t Human Growth Hormone, or high levels of testos-

terone that these HC players tested positive for. Instead, 6 players tested positive for high levels of Vicks NyQuil. “The Eggplant” asked a senior pitcher, whose name will be disclosed, about the positive test, “I have no recollection of taking that substance,” when asked about the banned substance allegations. However, once The Eggplant clarified what substance actually appeared on the test the player did affirm the drug, “Oh, NyQuil, yeah I did take that. Wait, that’s a banned substance now?” After further investigation, “The Eggplant” staff discovered the motive for the players’ excessive con-

sumption of NyQuil. After an opening series at Virginia Tech followed by a spring break trip to the west coast, the team did not arrive back on campus until 7:30 and 8:45 respectively on consecutive Monday mornings. As a result, they consumed the cold drug NyQuil, hoping that it would aid in their ability to sleep overnight. Since the baseball players were not allowed to miss any of their Monday classes, they were forced to sleep on both the bus and plane, each of which being difficult modes of transportation to sleep on. “I needed to sleep,” commented a junior position player, “we trav-

eled throughout the night and I had 2 tests and a quiz that Monday, so I needed to rest. Not surprisingly, my professors wouldn’t let me take the tests any other day, so I took NyQuil thinking it would help me fall asleep.” The NCAA has not yet decided the punishment for the failed tests. “The players were in a unique circumstance surrounding their traveling restrictions, and it wasn’t like it was weed or something,” commented an NCAA official. Although ludicrous, NyQuil has recently been placed on the NCAA’s banned substance list because of its description stating that excessive amounts found in a stu-

dent athlete’s body can be “possibly harmful, but not really detrimental or harmful to the immune system of a student athlete.” The Holy Cross athletic department has hired an attorney to further investigate the matter with the NCAA. Similarly, an internship opportunity to work alongside the attorney will be emailed and then posted on Holy Cross’s SIP website in 2 days. For now, the players have appealed their suspension and are waiting to hear back from the NCAA regarding their possible suspensions.

Reports Show Owners Ordered Valentine to be “As Bad as Possible” Tyler Scionti Sports Co-Editor The Red Sox seem to have benefited from a long winter and the addition of good personalities over the offseason. Gone are the days of Josh Beckett and Bobby V, say hello John Farrell and Ryan Dempster. While the 2012 season seems like a bad and distant memory to be forgotten, a recent report shows that perhaps the Bobby Valentine disaster was more by design than a terribly misguided mistake by the front office. Former Sox manager, Bobby Valentine, has recently come out with a tell-all book on his time with the Red Sox titled 2012: The Season from Hell in which he recounts his experience with the Sox from day one. Bobby V writes that the Sox brass ordered him to be as bad as possible as a manager to teach the Sox a lesson for blowing it in September of 2011. Here are a few choice excerpts from the book which includes input by John

Henry, Bobby Valentine, Terry Francona, and for some reason Nick Punto who really wanted to be quoted to prove he was actually a part of the 2012 team. “The Red Sox called me up first thing in the offseason and told me they hatched this scheme where I had to be as bad a manager as possible. I couldn’t believe it, they scripted everything from telling everyone that bogus story about inventing the wrap all the way to bullying Will Middlebrooks,” said Valentine. “They had everything planned from opening day all the way to the last game of the season, it was incredible.” Francona even chimed in, telling us once and for all exactly what happened when he got fired. “John Henry called me into his office when the season ended me, and just broke down in tears. He told me that he was going to fire me to teach the players a lesson and show them that they don’t deserve a good manager. I guess they wanted to shake things up which I

understood, but I had no idea they would run the team into the ground the way they did” said Francona.

Courtesy of

The joke’s on you! Sox management reveals Bobby V’s poor management was part of a grander scheme.

It certainly was shocking to the baseball world, that the owners would take such drastic measures to teach their players a lesson after the

“chicken and beergate” debacle is nothing short of appalling, but take a look and you’ll see that it worked. The Red Sox have been playing with a renewed sense of hustle to prove they deserve to be treated well, and hopefully by now they’ve learned their lesson. John Henry recalls watching the games from his yacht, “Things were going poorly as planned, but come the second half I thought they were playing too well so I told Ortiz if he made up a phony injury then I’d give him two years, which was ridiculous but it worked. Then they started tanking and I figured they’d learn their lesson.” While Big Papi was all ears about the fix, some players took it all rather poorly. Dustin Pedroia has ben the heart and soul of the Sox since he started telling people how important he is to the success of the team, so he understandably took the news rather poorly. “I felt bad for Pedroia though, he was often found crying playing

cribbage on a table in the clubhouse across a picture of Francona.” Valentine said. It certainly was a gamble, to run the best franchise in baseball into the ground so swiftly could have easily backfired, but so far it seems to have worked. The Sox are playing harder, and after 2012 I don’t see many players revolting like they did. As John Henry said, “Now they know that if they play poorly we’ll bring someone like Bobby Valentine in, if they do it again I think we’ll try to get Carl Everett to manage, now that is something no one wants to see.”

Wes Welker Leaves the New England Patriots Ted Culllinane Eggplantt-Extrodinaire Wide receiver Wes Welker recently made the very controversial decision to leave the New England Patriots and move his career to Colorado to play with the Broncos to the chagrin of Patriots fans everywhere. While initially Welker had been adamant on how sad he was to stop playing with future Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady, he was not nearly as supportive in a recent press conference. “Yeah I really have to come clean about this to everyone, I do not think I could hate another human

being more than I hate Tom Brady. He is the biggest looser I’ve ever met. I could not wait to get out of there.” This tonality was a far cry from the way he talked about Brady just days before, so many reporters initially figured that Welker was kidding around. He most certainly was not: “Like why does anyone think that Brady has anything going for him? He did an Ugg commercial. HE DID AN UGG COMMERCIAL,” Welker shouted, now sweating profusely, “Everyone thinks that he’s a saint for taking less money this season. You know who got all that money? His hair

stylist that he flies in from the Philippines every single day. That guy is on the Patriots payroll, and not just on the payroll: he makes more money than our en tire secondary combined. All of that for a hair stylist. We have the third worst pass defense in the league so Tom can keep his hair fluffy for post game interviews. Its ridiculous, I’ve never met a weirder less likable human being in my life.” Welker didn’t stop there, though, commenting, “He would just act like a teenage girl. When he was mad at me he just wouldn’t talk to me, and then I’d wake up one

morning with six voicemails from him, three calling me a ‘slut’ two apologizing for calling me a slut, and one where he called me sugarplum and said it would be super cool if we won the Super Bowl. And then he comes into work and acts like there is nothing wrong and nothing happened. New England could have offered me twice as much money and full team ownership and I would have turned it down.” When asked to comment Brady said, “I, like, really don’t want to talk about it. Its like a super sensitive subject right now, okay?” He went on to comment that Welker

was, “always, like, a super duper jerk to me.” Brady also reported that Welker was never ‘cool’ when Brady would give him butt slaps and grabs, “Just as like an inside joke.” Tom Brady has not spoken to any news outlet since his initial comments, but his official twitter account was found retweeting overly sentimental tweets from a Wiz Khalifa parody account, as well as various Taylor Swift lyrics.



The Crusader

March 22, 2013

Holy Cross Basketball Star Kevin Garnett Sleeps Through Enrollment and Must Enter NBA Elizabeth Fullerton Co-Sports Editor “With the fifth pick in the 1995 NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select Kevin Garnett from Farragut Academy in Chicago.” Almost 18 years ago, Kevin Garnett anxiously walked to the podium to greet the commissioner of the National Basketball Association, David Stern. After an excessively long handshake, Stern presented Garnett with the Minnesota Timberwolves hat and jersey. Stern then stepped aside to allow Garnett to make a short speech, which would most likely consist of him thanking his family and friends for their support. But that was not the case. “I’m honored to be given this opportunity,” Garnett said, “but I have already committed to playing collegiate basketball for Holy Cross.” Before an explanation, Garnett quickly left the stage. The future NBA Most Valuable Player, Defensive Player of the Year, 15time NBA All-Star, All-Star Game MVP, Olympic Gold Medalist and NBA Champion turned down becoming the first player in 20 years to enter the NBA directly after high school. While many anticipated that Garnett would instantly make an impact for the Minnesota Timberwolves, he decided to further his

education. Unlike most high school students who have lists with a dozen schools, Kevin Garnett applied to only one: the College of the Holy Cross. Although Garnett attended high school in Chicago, far from Worcester, Massachusetts, he loved the legacy of other Holy Cross alumni. Kevin Garnett joined the ranks of other NBA standouts that played for both Holy Cross and the Boston Celtics: Bob Cousy and Tommy Heinsohn. After taking a tour of the hilly campus during his junior year in high school, Garnett had felt that this college would more than just suit him. A family-oriented person himself, Kevin Garnett loved the tight-knit, communal atmosphere of the campus, as well as the motto, “men and women for others.” In his first few days as a college freshman, Garnett spent hundreds of dollars in the bookstore, buying everything purple: tshirts, bumper stickers, a coffee mug, and of course, a “Proud Parent” t-shirt for his mom. Garnett also loved Kimball. The unlimited meal swipe appealed heavily to the tall and lanky basketball player. When arriving at Kimball, Garnett asked Sis, a member of the Kimball staff, “I can eat as many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as I want for one meal swipe?” In all aspects, Holy Cross

seemed a fine choice for the high school phenom. Early on in the semester, however, Garnett needed to overcome various obstacles. Garnett loved sleeping in, even as a kid. The early morning strength and conditioning basketball ses-

Courtesy of

Garnett played basketball for Holy Cross his freshman year before entering the NBA draft.

sions were not ideal, but Kevin Garnett persevered, usually arriving at the Hart Center still in his pajamas for the 6 a.m. workout. Not surprisingly, Garnett enrolled in all afternoon classes. One could find Garnett after his morning lift

sessions either sleeping in his room in Hanselman or doing homework in Dinand Library. Garnett even pulled some all-nighters at Dinand, scrambling to finish papers and cramming before exams. Within a month of the semester, Garnett spent all his dining dollars. As a result, Garnett would secretly fill his backpack with cereal, sandwiches, and fruit from Kimball. During Garnett’s first season, the Holy Cross men’s basketball team breezed through the regular season, finishing with an impressive undefeated record. The Crusaders, led by Garnett’s tenacious defense, went on to win the Patriot League Championship, which punched their ticket to the NCAA Basketball Tournament, also known as “The Big Dance.” Adding to the “March Madness,” Garnett carried the Crusaders to the Sweet 16, but the Crusaders fell short to Garnett’s future teammate Paul Pierce and the Kansas Jayhawks. Garnett came into Holy Cross undeclared. When asked years later by reporters what subject he intended to major in, Garnett said, “Probably History, but anything’s possible.” Garnett also added that an environmental studies concentration was possible too, since environmental organizations campaigned for “going green” and

so did this future Boston Celtic But Garnett would not receive his B.A from Holy Cross. Garnett only attended Holy Cross for one year. At the end of his freshman year, Garnett told reporters he had every intention of returning to Holy Cross in the fall to start his sophomore year. So what was the problem? “I wasn’t registered for classes in the fall,” said Garnett, “so entering the NBA was my only option.” It turns out Garnett slept through course enrollment, which took place at 7 a.m. one morning in April. In June, Garnett reentered the NBA draft. By fate, the Minnesota Timberwolves redrafted Garnett, and this time Garnett accepted. Due to his falling short with the Timberwolves in the playoffs multiple times, Garnett would leave the Timberwolves to play for the Boston Celtics. In his first year as a Boston Celtic, Garnett, along with Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Rajon Rondo, brought Boston’s 17th championship. In celebration after the historic which win, Garnett told reporter Michele Tafoya, “Special thanks to my ma, my friends in ‘sota and Chicago, and everyone back at Holy Cross. This championship’s for you!”

Report Shows that the Drew Sisters are Made of Glass Tyler Scionti Sports Co-Editor Newly acquired Shortstop Stephen Drew has recently landed himself on the DL with a concussion. Indeed, Stephen is already following in the footsteps of his older sister, J.D. Drew, by earning a trip to the DL before the season has already begun. What is more interesting though is the evidence

gathered by a series of tests on Drew as he has been in and out of doctors’ offices all week. It all started two weeks ago when the breeze from a pitch that was a tad inside swept Drew over, giving him a mild concussion that got worse as time went on. Drew was sent to some of the best doctors in the country who started taking a look at his head and what they found is astonishing. While Sox

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fans have long made fun of J.D. Drew my calling him all sorts of names, it appears that most of the criticism was unfair, mainly because the Drew family has been found to be made of glass. Stephen talked briefly with the media about the discovery, saying he wasn’t surprised after seeing him and his brothers get injured so much. “As a kid I remember watching

J.D. get blown over by the wind and sometimes take weeks off from school just because he woke up with a cramp, so I wasn’t too surprised to find that out about my family. For now it’s just a matter of taking it one day at a time and wearing bubble wrap whenever I go on the field so I don’t get hurt.” Drew said in the Sox clubhouse. The Sox docs are already working on a new uniform and set of

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protective gear so that Stephen, aka Nancy, Drew does not get hurt further. Given the bad weather in Boston getting knocked over by a gust of wind or slipping on wet grass is always a concern, so the main thing is to keep Drew safe and secure for as long as possible.

A Crusader Victory Poem Herodotus Staff Historian ... Not applicable


The Crusader

March 22, 2013

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The Crusader

March 22, 2013

Purple Pennings With Andrew Fanikos Big Men, Mascots, and Computer Hacks? It’s Been a Busy Week on Mount Saint James Friends, Crusaders, Countrymen, lend me your ear! Big things are happening up here on the Hill from new recruits, allegations of email hacking, to perhaps the next biggest decision of the Borough’s era, besides the economically savvy purchase of a fleet of smat cahs as they would call them in Boston. With that being said, there’s a lot to digest, more than on Taco Night at Kimball (BRING IT BACK KIMBALL, OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY), so we’ll break it down for yous guys. In one of the bigger news stories this past week, the men’s Basketball Head Coach, Milan Brown, announced that Davis Tyler had signed on as the team’s final recruit. Standing at a lofty 3’ 8”, Davis hopes to help the team improve its play in the paint, as the presence of a “true big man” was sorely lacking this past season. Reached via telephone, Davis expressed his excitement at joining the team and hinted at what could lay in store for Cross Basketball next season. “I’m really just honored to be able to join a team of Holy Cross’ s caliber and be able to play for a coach who dresses as well as Milan Brown,” said Davis. “I watched a lot of the team’s game’s last season, and they really struggled in the paint at times and I just want to help the team as much as I can, and who knows, maybe we will be able to win the Patriot League yet again.” Although the Crusaders played well and at times showed flashes of brilliance, even the most diehard supporters of the team could not ignore the fact that this year’s squad was significantly hurt by the lack of a “true big man”. Finishing in the bottom half of the NCAA in terms of rebounds per a game, the team could not rise to the top of the Patriot League. The signing of Davis should, hopefully, rectify this situation immediately. Citing Jonah 1:17 Coach Brown prophesized that next season Davis would swallow the Patriot League in a fashion

similar to the manner in which the whale swallowed Jonah. “You look at his size, speed, skill, and he will dominate the paint like no one else next season. He is huge and will be huge for us. The immediate impact of a player who can grab ten plus boards every night will surely be felt, and will add eight to ten wins at minimum.” Seth Davis of ESPN commented that the signing of Davis would serve the Holy Cross pro-

Courtesy of

Tyler Davis, pictured here in his high school photo, will look to have a big impact on the basketball team’s play next season. The fact that he is already drawing comparisons to Scripture from Coach Brown can only be a good thing. The fact that he boasts facial hair that rivals Anthony Davis is an even better thing.

gram well, as he envisions Davis becoming a Mike Muscala-like player for the Crusaders in the years to come. “Signing Davis will improve the Crusaders significantly, no doubt. Landing a player of his size and skill is quite a coup for Milan Brown and his coaching staff, and the Crusaders will be the team to beat in the Patriot League this coming year.” While Davis would not go so far as to guarantee a Patriot League Tournament victory against the Leopards of Lafayette, the soon to be first year student is confident of a successful basketball season on

the Hill. “We’ll definitely win some games, have some fun, and make some noise in the Patriot League Tournament.” Despite his large stature, Davis does not brim with over confidence, just enthusiasm. Already being affectionately referred to as Shrek by the student body, the 3’8” Davis will have a lot to live up to next season. In sadder news, Holy Cross has announced that beginning with the 2013-2014 academic year the College would drop the Crusader as both the institution’s mascot and team name. Determining the Crusader moniker as inappropriate, given the association that the name carries with the Holy Wars of the medieval era, Holy Cross has decided to replace the Crusader mascot and logo with the much more family friendly, and politically correct Grimace, of McDonald’s fame. Reached in his office after the announcement, Father Boroughs commentated that as an enlightened institution of higher education we must seek to move past that which separates us from our neighbors. “While I understand the historic connection shared between Holy Cross and the Crusader, as a progressive institution we must seek to transcend that which restricts us to a darker place and time.” Not surprisingly, the decision was met with the outrage of both the student body and the jocks. Boatshoes Bill, class of fifteen said, “it’s just like a giant purple blob, like what’s scary about that?” Echoing this statement, Broseph Stalin, class of 14 commented that he just couldn’t see himself attending athletic events in support of the future Holy Cross Grimaces. Senior Lacks B. Row of the Lacrosse Team added that maybe he should have just transferred to Bucknell, stating that there is no way he would play for the team next year if the change in remains. Seeking to assuage any and all fears, Athletic Director Dick Regan stated that, “obviously it’s a

big step, not too many college athletic programs are in the namechanging business, and I think that’s what will set us apart,” said the man himself. “I myself am personally looking forward to leading the athletics program during this transition and am excited to be part of an institution which is as forward thinking as it is morally responsible. The students should have no fears, and will soon find that they love their Holy Cross

Courtesy of Grimace

Is Father Boroughs really the Hamburgular in disguise? This photo would seem to suggest so, as well as the recent news that the College has decided to drop the Crusader and replace it with Grimace, formerly of McDonald’s fame. While the move has excited the adminastration, the student body is far less enthusiastic.

teams even more. While the administration has been quick to point out their moral obligation to change the school’s mascot and team names, the choice of Father Borough’s and Dick Regan curiously coincides with the announcement of the planned construction of the Performing Farts Center. While the donation of Holy Cross alum Cornelius B. Prior Jr. is exceedingly generous, it is simply one donation out of many which will be needed to construct the center. Therefore, it is not out of the question to entertain the thought that Holy Cross resur-

rected a McDonald’s icon in order to gain monetary compensation from the food giant. After all, McDonald’s serves food. Kimball serves food as well, indicating that the administration of the college may have had more than just political correctness on its mind when it decided to change the face of the school. If this is indeed the case, if the college operates purely for its own gain, how then shall we live? In a bizarre twist, Coach Gibbons sent a lot of emails last week to the student body, a lot of emails from a man who does not own a computer. “Yeah I guess I’m pretty old school,” Gibbons said in correspondence via the U.S. postal service, “I’m not the kind of guy who welcomes technology, I even find talking to you guys [The Crusader] to go against my principles, but that’s beside the point. I did not send any emails to the student body last week.” While the emails would, by all accounts, appear to be a singular case of hacking, something much more sinister seems to be at work, especially given the amount of knowledge the hacker possessed about the Holy Cross women’s basketball team. I mean, c’mon. No one possesses that much knowledge about Holy Cross athletics. Except for the Chinese government. Things are never dull here on the hill. Thank the lord. It could get pretty boring if all we did was drink all the time....oh wait...... Coming Next Week: Holy Cross Athletics set to join the Central Mass Conference, a local high school sports conference. While teams will hope to finally dominate, such hopes will prove to be foolish. Also, struggling on offense, this team picked up the pace following a mid-season trek to Sweaty Betty’s where players learned how to score. Find out which team made this trip and more in next week’s issue!

Sporting Events this Weekend Saturday: Gladiator Fight at the Fitton Collesium, 1:00 Sunday: Public Stoning at the Kimball Forum, 2:00

*DISCLAIMER: This is The Crusader’s annual “The Eggplant” Issue, which expands the weekly satirical column to honor April Fool’s Day. The views expressed in the issue’s articles do not reflect the official stance of The Crusader editorial board or of its writers.

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The Crusader's April Fools' Eggplant Issue 2013