Opinion Hays Free Press
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September 21, 2016
Page 3A
I volunteer to be Czar of Immigration I
n a previous issue my compadre essayist and opinionologist, Clint Younts, laments the fact that the two major candidates for president may both be “non compos mentis” for the responsibilities and stresses of the POTUS position. An alternate choice for POTUS just might be himself, whom he suggests as a write in. I have to agree that this cowpie kicker has had an abundance of time to figure out what makes sense while strolling his fields and pulling his goats’ heads out of the fence. Out of 320 million people in the USA, is the best we can come up with to lead us is a security risk and liar (Hillary), and a guy whose outfit would be complete if he had a big red nose and a pair of floppy shoes (Trump)? I say it’s time for Clint to make his move. And I want to help bear the burden he shoulders when elected. I volunteer to be his Immigration Czar. You see, take politics out of the equation altogether and things make more sense. It’s a fact that we need people with a work ethic that seems to be lacking in certain segments of our government-coddled populace. When one is paid to not work, he probably won’t. Without the stresses of an empty stomach, a job is the last thing likely to be coveted. So we need immigrants. But history gives us examples of the harm which befalls a country when it imports cheap labor. Take South Africa, Israel, the 13 colonies of North America and present day Europe. When the Dutch migrated to South Africa, there were no people there other than a sparce number of aboriginal nomads. So they went north and brought in cheap labor (“The Covenant” by James Michner). The laborers, with their higher birthrates, soon outnumbered the Dutch landowners and soon adopted the idea that they were there first. The Arabic Palestinians in Israel originally came from Turkey, Jordan, Syria, and beyond to work for Israelis, who bought the land from Arabic sheiks in the 1860s and made it productive after hundreds of years of overgrazing and mismanagement. (“The Haj” by Leon Uris). Now the Palestinians assert that they were there first and there is no historical record of the Jews ever being in Israel. And everyone knows the past and present curse and curses the original colonies brought to our shores by the slave trade.
I could be wrong by Ray Wolbrecht
It’s a fact that we need people with a work ethic that seems to be lacking in certain segments of our governmentcoddled populace.
News and Sports Editor Moses Leos III
J
ournalists in the mass media love to dig up dirt on Republican presidential candidates. Well, I just dug up some dirt on Hillary Clinton. In Bob Woodward's 1996 book, "The Choice," Woodward reports that Hillary once conducted séances to summon the spirits of Eleanor Roosevelt and Mahatma Gandhi. Through some crack investigative work — I paid a Russian hacker 20 bucks to access Hillary’s server — I determined that Hillary is still talking to dead people. Here’s a transcript of her most recent seance: Hillary: It's tough being a strong, smart woman, Eleanor. What should I do? Eleanor: You must pretend to be humble, right Mahatma? Mahatma Ghandi: Yes, humble, and she must change her hair style. Hillary: Change my hair style again? Mahatma: Try the Mary Tyler Moore look from the old Dick Van Dyke show. FDR: Eleanor, come back to sleep, dear. Hillary: President Roosevelt? Eleanor: Go back to sleep, you old philanderer.
Keeping that in mind, I offer my platform for Immigration Czar. Each non-citizen alien person entering the country shall: 1. Pay $2,500 upon entry and per year as a fee for each working member. Coyotes charge twice that and it’ll take the teeth away from human trafficking. The $2,500 will pay for a passport, driver’s liability insurance, and emergency health care. 2. Leave a DNA sample and fingerprints with the U.S. authorities, both which will be compared to crime scene evidence. 3. Work within a six-county area, and if his job prospects change, he shall go to any U.S. post office and re-register his new location. 4. No more birthright citizenship. 5. Pay half tuition at public schools for each child they bring with them. (The Supreme Court’s dictate that we have to educate every child, no matter if citizen or not is one of the worst things they ever did to a school district.) This is a compromise favoring all involved. 6. After 10 months working, the working person must return to his homeland for two months after which time his reapplication to enter the USA will be granted automatically if there are no violations to the above, or crimes committed. This is merely a formant for greater development. The present administration’s philosophy on immigration, among other actions, is ruining our country. A change in policy must happen.
Guest Column by Tom Purcell
Mahatma: And try some zippity doo. President Truman: Hillary, I have some advice for you. Hillary: President Truman? Truman: If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. LBJ: I couldn't take it and I got out. Hillary: Lyndon? President Nixon: You were run out, Lyndon! LBJ: A subject you know well, Dick! Shirley MacLaine: Hello! Hello! LBJ: MacLaine, what are you doing here? You're not dead! Shirley: There is no death, Lyndon. Nixon: No death to LBJ's commie government programs, anyway! President Jefferson: Good God, what have you people done to the country! Hillary: President Jefferson? Jefferson: It takes a village, my eye! Individuals get things done. President Washington: Jefferson, how's it going,
old boy? Jefferson: They've run up $20 trillion in debt, George! Jimmy Hoffa: You people want to keep it down? Hillary: You’re the real Jimmy Hoffa? Hoffa: Does a bear -Shirley: Jimmy! Ghandi: Alberto VO5 also offers some very nice products to make your hair shiny. Ben Franklin: What did you people do to the Constitution? Bill Smith: Hey, Hillary, I've got a bone to pick with you. Hillary: Who are you? Bill Smith: A Trump supporter. I got so mad when you called me and my friends a basket of deplorables that I had a massive coronary and now I’m stuck in your damn seance. Shirley: Anyone hear from George Burns? Franklin: What happened to limited government! Hillary: Eleanor, I summoned you and Mahatma for inspiration. Eleanor: But you're not getting inspired? Hillary: No, I'm suffering more abuse than I get from the living. Truman: If you can't take the heat... Eleanor: Ignore them,
dear. They've been moaning about FDR's programs for 60 years. Hillary: I feel so down lately. I feel so heavy, like someone buried me in concrete. Hoffa: Lady, you don't know what you're talking about. Hillary: Eleanor, I need your help. I’m falling in the polls. What do I do? Eleanor: Just as I was a revolutionary First Lady, you, the first major-party female presidential candidate, are a revolutionary. Revolutionaries ruffle feathers, dear. Hillary: But I should be slaughtering Trump. If I’m not careful, I could lose this thing. What can I do to make people like me? (Silence.) Hillary: Eleanor? Ghandi: Eleanor left, Hillary. But she said you might try a good conditioner. Be sure to rinse thoroughly.
Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970’s Childhood” and “Wicked Is the Whiskey,” a Sean McClanahan mystery novel, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. Send comments to Tom at Tom@TomPurcell.com.
Dreaming of bluebonnets in Texas
I
came to Texas in the early 80s with everything I owned crammed into a burgundy ‘73 Chevy Impala, a big boat of a car given to me by my stepfather. I was coming to Corpus Christi for a year’s residency in Clinical Pastoral Education, with the goal of becoming better at pastoral care. I remember cresting a hill in South Central Texas, and being hit by a bolt of blue. The field that stretched out before me was a sea of blue. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had to stop the car and take it all in. I had never seen anything like that in my life. That was the day I fell in love with Texas. Last spring, you know that week between winter and summer? Last spring I saw a field with a small patch of bluebonnets while on one of my walks with Goldie,
Ray Wolbrecht is retired from his dental practice in Kyle. He still reads his emails and his newspapers. rbrickwall@gmail.com
Hays Free Press Publisher Cyndy Slovak-Barton
Hillary summons the dead for advice
Goldie Walks by Mark Stoub
and I remembered that sight, and I remembered thinking this must be the ninth wonder of the world, it was that gorgeous! The reason I am relaying all this to you, is to remind you of a couple of things. First, it’s easy to be smug when you live in the best place on earth. I am from a suburb of Chicago, and, as they say, I got here just as soon as I could. But this must not give us the “big head.” We need to be humble about our great good fortune, and never tell your friends or family who aren’t fortunate enough to live here how good we’ve got it. The other reason
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I’m sharing this with you, is hopefully, more profound. That first sighting of bluebonnets occurred some 40 years ago, and it’s never left me. I carry it with me, like a little “pick-meup” in the middle of an impossibly difficult day, and it seems to buoy me up to get me through whatever is going on in my life that stresses me out. And when I run across reminders of that experience, like it did while walking my dog, Goldie, it just brings it all forward, front and center for me to relive all over again. That’s the beauty of … beauty! It lets us know that in the middle of our messy world, there is order somewhere, and it brings meaning to our lives. Beauty tells us that all is not random chaos, and meaninglessness. There is, of course, no need to attach meaning
to appreciate beauty. Beauty is there simply to take your breath away, like it did me all those years ago. Such an experience leads me to thank God for all God’s blessings. That doesn’t have to happen to you. But what such wonderful experiences can lead to is a better appreciation of the gifts we’ve been given, and how we need to take better care of them, before they’re all gone, and there is nothing more to appreciate. And, I can’t wait to see a field of those blue beauties again, as soon as possible. Mark W. Stoub is a retired Presbyterian minister living in Kyle, with his wife, Janie (Sledge). He is the author of Blood Under the Altar, and the upcoming Fire in the Blood. mj.stoub@sbcglobal.net
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