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04.25.13 VOL. XLIV, NO. 22

The Indy is climaxing. Cover Design by MIRANDA SHUGARS

CONTENTS WORDS OF WISDOM 3 All By Myself 4 I Wanna Sex You Up 5 Shit Cosmo Says SPREAD 'EM 6-7 Sex in Numbers 8-9 Sex Tales and Epic Fails 10-11 Mixin' up the 'Max MORE WORDS 12 Stroke of Genius 13 Rap Your Willy, Silly! 14 Jock and Balls 15 Pushing Out Pages Destination of the week...

President Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Director of Production

Angela Song '14 Christine Wolfe '14 Sayantan Deb '14 Miranda Shugars '14

News and Forum Editor Arts Editor Sports Editor Design Editor Associate News Editor Associate Forum Editor Associate Arts Editor Associate Design Editor

Whitney Gao '16 Curtis Lahaie '15 Sean Frazzette '16 Alex Chen '16 Milly Wang '16 Kalyn Saulsberry '14 Sarah Rosenthal '15 Travis Hallett '14

Illustrator Designer Cartoonist Photographers Business Manager Senior Staff Writers

Staff Writers

Anna Papp '16 Jerry Chang '16 John McCallum '16 Maria Barragan-Santana '14 Tarik Moon '15 Albert Murzakhanov '16 Michael Altman '14 Meghan Brooks '14 Whitney Lee '14 Xanni Brown '14 Terilyn Chen '16 Clare Duncan '14 Gary Gerbrandt '14 Travis Hallett '14 Shaquilla Harrigan '16 Yuqi Hou '15 Cindy Hsu '14 Chloe Li '16 Orlea Miller '16 Albert Murzhakanov '16 Carlos Schmidt '15 Frank Tamberino '16

As Harvard College's weekly undergraduate newsmagazine, the Harvard Independent provides in-depth, critical coverage of issues and events of interest to the Harvard College community. The Independent has no political afďŹ liation, instead offering diverse commentary on news, arts, sports, and student life. For publication information and general inquiries, contact President Angela Song (president@harvardindependent. com) or Managing Editor Sayantan Deb (managingeditor@ harvardindependent.com). Letters to the Editor and comments regarding the content of the publication should be addressed to Editor-in-Chief Christine Wolfe (editorinchief@harvardindependent. com). For email subscriptions please email president@ harvardindependent.com. The Harvard Independent is published weekly during the academic year, except during vacations, by The Harvard Independent, Inc., Student Organization Center at Hilles, Box 201, 59 Shepard Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. Copyright Š 2013 by The Harvard Independent. All rights reserved.


Sex to None Breaking up isn’t the hardest part.

By ANONYMOUS

A

bout two months ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. We had met early freshman spring at a party where he was a little drunk and I was mostly sober. He told me I was beautiful and I made fun of his shirt (too tight with a pre-faded, made-up band name on it). Within a month we were dating, and we spent the next two years as a “thing.” We weren’t in one of those Harvard marriages that cohabit on the River and spend weekends in the Quad, or that can’t eat a meal with anyone but each other, or that even saw each other every day. But we had a “thing,” and it was good until it ended because we grew tired of each other and fell apart. Two months after two years, I feel fine. It hurt for the first week and the first night I cried alone on my bed until my head was heavy and I fell asleep. Now I don’t find myself thinking about him much at all, or missing him, or even wondering what it would be like if we were still together. I knew from the beginning that we weren’t a forever thing, but I would forget it in moments of happy imagining and I think he would too. I am happier now, though, than in the weeks leading up to the split, when I would invent papers and problem sets and get angry with him for the way he wore his hair. I don’t miss him, but I do watch the curtains in his window when walking past his room. I don’t miss him. What I miss is the sex, and god, it was fantastic. For two years, my boyfriend and I fucked. It was slow when we began, two virgins afraid to break anything on the other, but after the first month of stilted what-if-we-do-this?, it got good. He learned to come into me from behind while I braced myself against the bed frame and the wall and arched my back deep until it formed a bowl for sweat and cum. I had sucked dicks before, but I learned to drag my tongue lazily and wide up his until at the tip I flickered and paused before driving my mouth down over it and making him gasp and clutch at the bed. Rolling from one end of my queen to the other — him on top, me on top, him on top — to bend over the desk, the radiator, the chair. We were athletic, graceful, strong. He would lift me in his arms and I would wrap my legs around him. Seated on the edge of the bed, I would The Harvard Independent • 04.25.13

quiver until the cum. Three, four nights a week and at least one morning for two years, I fucked. Sex became my second circadian rhythm; my body needed it like it needed sleep and I grew hungry waiting and tingling until he was with me, in me, and then beside me asleep and breathing naked in my bed. In the days after we ended I was fine, but Friday night the familiar hunger returned and I had no one to fill it. Under the sheets in the dark I slipped my hand to my clit and closed my eyes and tried so hard to feel good. Nothing. I cried myself to sleep lonely and angry and cold. In the weeks after the split, I willfully let the hair around my vagina grow until it prickled at my lips and itched and needed trimming. I shaved it clean. My libido at first was ferocious and as rhythmic as it had been, and I brought myself to orgasm with my fingers each time quickly and without the effort of sweat and nakedness. The sex was always good, but coming was never guaranteed. Masturbation fulfills the need without the satisfaction. Two months after the end of two years, my libido has diminished, though I’m not above taking care of myself when I need it. I’m done with him; I don’t miss him, but I miss the sex and who I was with it. I miss feeling tempting with the chill of my erect nipples exposed to the air and my white thighs glowing blue pressed together before him. I miss feeling powerful bending over him with my hair covering his face and my hands making a man so much bigger than me shiver. I miss pushing his head deeper into my crotch until I finished. I’ve never had a hook-up, never brought a boy back after brushing his junk at a formal and letting him wonder if it was an accident. I don’t know if I can, and it makes me feel small and weak. That sounds foolish, but it’s true. I’m waiting to be fine enough for it not to be. Hero to Zero is considering a career in lit erotica to make up for her loss, or if she isn’t, she should. To contact the author of this article, write to editorinchief@harvardindependent.com.

Sh!t Indy Says 1. 2.

3. 4. 5. 6.

A penis is not a lollipop. Small licks do nothing; you gotta swallow it whole. Letting out your wild side is easy when you’re going down on your man. With one hand gripping his balls firmly and the other gently scratching his perineum, drag your teeth along his shaft while making low, purring noises. Finish each stroke with a playful nip at his tip. He might be bleeding, but he’ll know what a tiger you can be in the sack. Invest in products such as the loofah doggie style strap or the waterproof silicone 10-function vibrator (available at sexintheshower.net) in order to make sex in the shower even more exciting. Two words to live by: Reverse Doggy-style. For the gays and adventurous heteros: 1) Douche, 2) Lube. For increased sexual pleasure, put a meth suppository up your asshole and/or vagina. The former is commonly referred to as “turkey basting,” the latter as “potato thumping.” The only downside is losing your teeth and/or humanity, but the sex is mad good.

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Let’s YOYO By ANONYMOUS

Y

ou’re Only Young Once. While it’s not quite YOLO, my current life philosophy permeates my views on sex and relationships. When I am YOYOing, I am not playing with two disks on a string — I assure you that I am having a lot more fun. When you’re in college, you’re probably at the peak of your attractiveness. Some of us may hay have been lucky enough to be the hot ones in high school: the Prom Kings and Queens, the jocks, the boys and girls next door. Though I can only speak for myself, I was unfortunately unable to avoid an extraordinarily awkward stage, a period of my life that began before high school and ended only after I got to Harvard. On the other hand, some of us may age well and look fantastic late into our 20s and 30s — the future MILFs and DILFs among us. But when you’re 18-22, you have something so incredibly attractive that you’ll never have again: youth. Before I go any further, I must clarify — technically, you did have youth when you were sixteen. But now that you’re over eighteen, your youth is different; it’s legal. As a legal adult with youth, you probably have more energy than you’ve ever had before and you’ll ever have again. You can successfully do your (way too many) extracurriculars, and you can pull allnighters with relative ease. You can party every night during Reading Period, and you just have that zest for life, probably paired with a voracious sex drive. And if you’re beautiful, you’re probably more beautiful than you’ve ever been, and your beauty will only fade. Your skin looks healthy and wrinklefree; your teeth, as white as they’ll ever be. Getting a face-lift has never crossed your mind. You’re energetic, you’re beautiful, and you’re in 4 harvardindependent.com

How I view sex in young adulthood.

college. Your opportunities are endless; any future is still imaginable. Professor? Okay. Doctor? Sure. World leader? Fine. This is the only time in your life when your future is simultaneously uncertain, open to endless possibilities, yet almost within reach. Given these blessings, I have trouble understanding why any legal youth would desire a boyfriend or girlfriend. You have your entire life to be buckled down. You can make your marriage last decades, or you can elect to have more than one. Love is love is love; it is out there waiting for you beyond the ends of youth and for many years to come. Girls and boys, your spouse-searching should be only in the back of your mind. Don’t rush. If you are a Harvard College student, I am like you in that I, too, am still blessed with youth. And to me, the concept of having a significant other is off-putting. I haven’t even lived two full decades. Why would I find it necessary to commit to a single person? Why not wait until later? In the meantime, I can have fun. I can have sex with a different beautiful person every weekend. Hot, steamy sex without a single dull moment. I can have threesomes. Foursomes. I can flirt shamelessly. I can quench my ever-present sexual thirst that you probably have, too. You can call me a whore. A slut. But I’m just YOYOing, and I don’t believe that I’m doing any harm to others or myself in the process. But what about diseases? Pregnancy? Simple solution: get tested regularly and wear protection. What about feelings? If you can, put them aside while you live in the moment. Trust me, it’s easier than you think. But doesn’t it get boring? Less special? Um, no, no it does not. Not at all.

But what about the benefits of relationships? In response to that reasonable hesitation, I have a short story. I once had sex with a guy, and we quickly became regular fuckbuds, seeing each other as true friends. He then suddenly told me that he found someone to date online, so our “relationship” came to an end. Admittedly, I was a bit crushed; I truly enjoyed the arrangement we had. I wondered why I, too, wasn’t trying to date. Months later, I received a text with my answer: “It didn’t work out. At all.” My fuckbuddy ended up being crushed — more crushed than I was — and his failure at dating reminded me why I don’t even bother. For the record, we are fuckbuds again, our relationship as it was before. To be sure, I am not suggesting that you have sex every weekend with someone new or find a few friends with benefits. Rather, I suggest that as you make your relationship decisions — Should I say yes? Should I change my relationship status on Facebook? — remember that a relationship may close more doors than it opens. Remember that you’re only young once, so you should YOYO. What that exactly means depends on the person. For me, it means living sex-positively, viewing sex as the pleasurable thing that it is, allowing myself to live spontaneously yet safely. For others, it might mean thinking twice before making a commitment, or just finally displaying a willingness to let loose next Friday night. Promiscuous Boy literally can’t wait to get it on. To contact the author of this article, write to editorinchief@ harvardindependent.com.

04.25.13 • The Harvard Independent


I Touch MyselfOh, ugh, mmm, yes. By ANONYMOUS

W

hen I was 19, I met someone who changed my life forever. She helps me be in touch with parts of myself I’d never experienced before. All of our interactions end in mutual satisfaction—or so I would hope—and she never lets me down. She’s small, but she makes a big impact, and she’s easy to find in any drawer. Wanda*, I hope I never have to spend another day—or night— without you. She can’t respond, because she’s a vibrator, but it’s the thought that counts. That first night, I didn’t exactly know what to do. I was self-conscious about owning a sex toy— something I thought only 80’s gay men and neckbearded truck drivers own—and as I lived in a suite, I wasn’t sure when I was going to get the alone time needed to figure it all out. Luckily, my immediate roommate had lab and my suitemates listened to loud music. I was in the clear. But then what? I took the batteries out of one of my other appliances and loaded her up. I lay prone in bed, head propped up on a pillow, feeling extremely embarrassed at my ignorance. Had I really not masturbated before? You think that would be something people figured out early in life. But alas, there I was, listening to Wanda’s lulling buzz, waiting for the dive. It definitely felt good the first time—at least I didn’t have some horrible nervous deficiency down there. But it felt better after I’d gotten used to the feeling, after I relaxed, after I stopped feeling self-conscious. The good days, frozen nerves ran hot, my body arced like a bridge, and my heart beat in my bent-back throat as I tried to

regain breath lost to passionate solitude. I’m not going to lie—I did it every day. That pink plastic slice of heaven became Wanda, an identifiable and reliable pal in an otherwise turbulent world. I don’t know why I identify my vibrator as a girl. I mean, just because I’m straight doesn’t mean I didn’t lose fluids over Natalie P. on Natalie P. in Black Swan, but I don’t think that’s the reason for Wanda’s XX leanings. I think it just feels more natural that way. Masturbation is a chance for me to enjoy the sexual essence of womanhood. I feel grounded, feminine, basic after masturbating. It’s a chance to appreciate the most feminine—and most sensitive—parts of my body on my own terms. And who better than a woman—or, you know, a feminized inanimate object—to understand the complicated nature of the clitoris? It was good times then, me and Wanda, just doing what two ladies do best. I did start to wonder if what I was doing was wrong. As I’ve been informed by the WGS department and its disciples many times, I’m supposed to relish my sexuality. But was I going overboard? Was I going to get ovarian cancer/ cysts/explosions because I spent most days frigging like Nora Barnacle**? Sometimes I’d get cramps afterwards and seriously consider what it would be like for my family to know I died of over-stimulation. I mean, that would be an okay thing for other people to know, because how epic, but I do have some shame. And then there was that whole moral thing. Was this overly self-indulgent? Shouldn’t I spend an hour volunteering instead of reading bad erotica

with my hand down my pants? But then I started talking to other people, and you know what they say—if other people do something, it’s obviously okay! I think my frequent ventures into myself have inspired my friends to practice the art of the O more often (accompanied, of course, by the terrible new age sex pamphlet of the same name). We have perfected our techniques, bought accessories, and composed various fantasies involving lumberjacks and laundry rooms. When we all meet up in the dining hall, cross-legged and flush-faced, we have something to talk about other than the impending doom that is our lives. Wanda and I have had some good times. I know she’s there for me when I have a hard test, or a bad day, or an easy test, or a good day. No matter how ghastly I look, she’s there to help me pleasure myself, and I’ll be grateful for that until the day she breaks, I dump her immediately, and go out for the new model. At least there’s one good thing about being #foreveralone. *Name changed to preserve anonymity **James Joyce’s kinky as fuck wife. Seriously, check their letters out. Nora Barnacle ‘(19)04 will tell you the smallest things about herself, as long as they are obscene and secret and filthy. To contact the author of this article, write to editorinchief@ harvardindependent.com.

Sh!t Cosmo Says It’s all about the circles.

I

n my friend group, the start of a new month means that the latest issue of Cosmopolitan has hit the shelves. We rotate the duties of purchasing what some may deem as the Bible for women, and plan a night to all sit down and take in all of the advice Cosmo offers us. However, during our monthly perusals, we end up spending most of our time laughing at the sometimes wack advice the mag doles out. This week, my friends and I tore through the May issue of Cosmo and offer our reactions to the articles. I think the best thing about our monthly Cosmo nights is the fact that two of my friends are what I would call “sexual wizards.” A sexual wizard is someone who has a wealth of sexual knowledge and is willing to host office hours of sorts to explain the intricacies of coital acts. Sexual wizards have a “no-holds-bar” approach to sharing pro-tips sex. My two sexual wizards point out the flaws and will occasionally hand Cosmo the “Sexual Wizard Stamp of Approval” to the few things that Cosmo gets right. After trying to figure who exactly the May cover girl is (who turns out to be Rachel Bilson), we start our foray into Cosmo-land by figuring out which articles are the juiciest. The obvious choice to

By SHAQUILLA HARRIGAN start was with the article on accomplishing female orgasm. Before we can get to the good stuff, we have to flip through, like, one hundred pages of ads and beauty tips. Who even reads Cosmo for that kind of stuff? Reading the female orgasm article, we immediately began to die laughing with the technical terms the author uses: “girl-gasms.” As we continue reading, we learn that we must use “Jedi mind tricks” to get into the right sexual mindset. My friends and I nearly had a “laugh-gasm” as we read that one couple sought the expertise of “Ken the orgasm trainer.” Ken gets very precise when he states that the “upper-left quadrant” of the clit must be stimulated. Um…I didn’t think the clit was big enough to have specific quadrants that must be worked over others. Cosmo did get the “Sexual Wizard Stamp of Approval” when the mag said that holding a man’s hips while moving yours in a circular motion does some amazing things for the woman. Yet another article from Cosmo’s token males knocked Cosmo down a notch. The advice men gave women regarding the things we may attempt to do to spice things up or make our guys feel special basically said that we should stop trying

and should stop expecting them to make an effort now that “the chase is over.” An aside: if there is a scarf involved, obviously it’s there to tie us up. Cosmo got a disapproving glare from our group as the magazine advised women to make ultimatums if we don’t get want we want sexually. Ultimatums are usually never a good idea. My sexual wizards say, “Ultimatums should be used as a last resort. If in a relationship an ultimatum is needed to make you happy, you may want to consider breaking up.” Despite giving a nod to Harvard in “When You Want More Sex Than He Does” by quoting Associate Clinical Professor of Urology at Harvard Medical School Dr. Abraham Morgentaler, Cosmo still gets a stamp of disapproval for it’s mostly heteronormative advice and its assumption that most women have sex at the onset of their relationships. It would be awesome if Cosmo offered some advice geared to women who are more inexperienced and more inclined to wait before entering the land of coital competence. Even though Cosmo doesn’t always give out the best advice, the sexual wizards that compose the Indy staff, are always willing to share their secrets...

Shaquilla Harrigan (sharrigan01@college.harvard.edu) is glad to have sexual wizards in her life. The Harvard Independent • 04.25.13

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5


Liberal

Blue Balls/Red Blooded

0 17%

1 22%

2 35%

Politics vs. Kinkiness (0-5)

3 13%

4 9%

5 3%

Liberal: 2.81 Moderate: 2.95 Conservative: 2.74

Engaged/Married

Relationship Status

Male Respondents: 44% Female Respondents: 55% Respondents Identifying as Other: 1%

Veritas Virginity

35%

Conservative

52% Single

1%

Keeping Naughty Secrets 9% Yeah, Right 14% I Never Tell a Lie 76%

6 1%

4%

Open Relationship

*

There seems to be an inverse correlation between GPA and penis size.

Exclusive Relationship

The Real Straus Cup

1. Kirkland: 85.7% (Incest?) 2. Adams: 61.5% 3. Currier: 53.3% 4. Leverett: 52.9% 5. Lowell: 51.6% 6. Dunster: 48.9% 7. Mather: 45.8% 8. Winthrop: 40% Fuckbuds 9. Pfoho: 38.4% 10. Eliot: 31.8% 11. Yard: 31% Completely Hetero 0 12. Cabot: 30.4% 41% 13. Quincy: 28%

8%

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Kinsey Scale 1

32%

2

10%

3

4%

4

3%

5

5%

6

4%

Completely Homo

04.25.13 • The Harvard Independent


Making Sweet Music Sensual Scents:

1. I Just Had Sex, The Lonely Island feat. Akon 2. The Weeknd 3. Let’s Get It On, Marvin Gaye 4. Climax, Usher 5. When the Levee Breaks, Led Zeppelin Honorable Mentions: *The Lonely Goatherd (The Von Trapp Family, The Sound of Music) *Business Time (Flight of the Conchords) *Anything by Enya *Hellfire (Judge Claude Frollo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Armpits: 9% Genitals: 8% Other: 5% None: 77%

The Harvard Independent • 04.25.13

Feet: 1%

Hey, Harvard! It’s that time of year again — time to bring sexy back. While JT might not have weighed in with the details of his sex life, you and over 11% of your undergraduate peers did. You told us your wildest fantasies. Your most disappointing, and sometimes downright painful, sexual encounters. Your most glorious physical revelations. Your tendencies to stick your penises into strange places and stick strange objects (a papaya, really?) into your vaginas. Your penis length and bra size. Your masturbation schedules. Your dirty little not-so-secrets. You laid it bare, and now it’s our chance to return the favor.

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CERTIFIED ORGASMIC It was the morning after, and the guy I spent the night with was still in my bed. We start making out again when he stops, takes my head in his hands, looks me in the eyes, and says “You are so beautiful.” ■ Sexual Battleship: every time we sank each others’ ships, we would escalate the sexual deed. The person who won got to pick the position. ■

Just totally going at it several times in a night with someone I had a great emotional and physical attraction to, and then cuddling naked until the morning. And going at it again. Several times. Then showering together. ■

Me and my girlfriend. Had sex. Ate a whole pizza. Had sex again. Livin’ the dream.

I was hooking up with a freshman all year but he had always come to my room. However, one night he called me on his birthday and asked me to come to his room. I was down. Oh yeah, he also lived in my freshman year entryway. I go to his room and his really attractive roomate who my friend had been crushing on for a really long time opened the door and let me in. Me and my freshman were going at it when I heard a familiar voice through the wall. I immediately stopped what I was doing and pulled out my phone to text that friend. When I asked her where she was she texted back [insert freshman door here]. It was absolutely her. I called her name through the wall and lo and behold she replied. We then both went back to our respective freshmen. #doubleteamed ■ After winter formal we went back to his room. After making out in the dark against the wall he lifted me up and sat me on the radiator with my back against the window, and then ate me out with my red high heels pressed into his tuxedoed shoulders. I came over and over and over, and before I had even finished he threw me on the bed and we fucked forever. Him on top, me on top, from behind, against the wall, over the edge of the bed, clothing shedding off in the process. I had my first vaginal orgasm that night, coming just as he did. When we woke in the morning I still had my heels on. Then we did it again. ■ I was really drunk this one night, and a very cute Grindr guy invited me over. When I went to his place, he offered me if I wanted to smoke some tea. Assuming that it was going to be weed, and not realizing that I was smoking from a bulb instead of a pipe, I accidentally did crystal meth. Although my next few days were the shittiest, as I was so tired and couldn’t sleep, the sex was amazing - we had sex for 4 hours straight, and I had multiple orgasms. Good experience, but sticking with Math instead of meth for the rest of my life. ■ I had my bf bent over my bed. I was spanking him with my bare hands and whipping him with my belt and his ass cheeks were bright pink. I could feel the heat coming off his ass and I stuffed one of my fingers in him, then two at a time. He moaned and I got on my knees to thoroughly rim him. As he opened up, I grabbed his cheeks, hastily put on a condom and rammed my dick into him. He grabbed the sheets as he roiled underneath my pelvis. I dominated him for 10 minutes. ■

Broke into a random house and had a 69 in the bed

Once the BF made me cum 8 times in a row. I was impressed. ■ My best friend and I had a three way. We then spent the next three or four hours taking turns pulling orgasm after orgasm out of this girl until she literally could not stand. She was orgasming so hard that her entire body convulsed and writhed under us. It was a bonding experience. ■

3 girls, one night. At different times, one after the other. They’re all roommates. ■

FANT

Why hasn't anyone woken me up with

Tyrion Lannister from Game of Throne True Blood. Nuff said. I'm actually not try answer. I find them both kind of hot and

Some lovely girl I've never seen walks kisses me, and then invites me back to h bottles of wine on her roof and spend th leg-numbing, stuttering, Jesus-inducing o we fall asleep. Make omelettes the next

Best: When my parents got me a pet octopus for my 14th birthday. Most Embarrassing: The octopus died.

Desert camping, incredible night sky, and severe winds, adventures. That, or i

Doing it doggy-style with a drunk Ande his baby. ■

I am a foreign exchange student, bare staying with comes in to tuck me into be 8 harvardindependent.com

04.25.13 • The Harvard Independent


TRUE BLOOD “Then we came back and I got my period in the middle of having sex, but was too embarrassed to say anything, and so I let him go down on me for a while afterwards too. I woke up in the morning to find a huge blood stain on my sheets and so I woke him up and kicked him out without any explanation.” ■ “This actually happened to me not once, but TWICE. I was hooking up with a guy in his room when I realized I got my period. It got all over his bed sheets and comforter. He said he didn’t care, but I was so mortified!” ■

cunt nugget / kʌnt ˈnʌɡət/

1. 2. 3.

Coagulated menstrual fluid that is discharge [sic] out of a woman's vagina from a queef in solidified chunks. Dried period juice chunks that are queefed out of a vagina like a grenade launcher. A trifecta of boner-killing potential. (AS DEFINED BY URBAN DICTIONARY)

“He was fingering me, and when he removed his fingers, a giant blood clot falls out and lands on the bed.” ■

UNHAPPY ENDINGS I’m taking this girl from behind and she farts and I start laughing and she starts laughing and the laughter makes her keep farting. We had a laugh and kept going, though, and it was actually kind of human and life-affirming. ■

Being a virgin in sex psych. ■ I ejaculated in a lover’s mouth as she was about to sneeze. Long story short, she shot cum out of her nose and said everything smelled like jizz for the next week. We have yet to reacquaint ourselves physically. ■

I had sex with a girl one time. A year and a half later, after another sexual encounter, the girl turns to me and says, “This might sound weird, but I think we’ve had sex before...” Yeah... ■

Home on winter break. Boyfriend comes over for dinner. He fucks me against a column in my basement living room. He comes on my stomach. My mother chooses this single instance to come down the stairs WITHOUT calling down first and sees me half-naked and dripping with semen and him fumbling to pull up his jeans. Chaos ensues. ■ Farted after orgasming while being eaten out. ■

TASIES

h a BJ by now? ■

es and Eric Northman from ying to be a dick with this d I watch a lot of HBO. ■

s up to me on the street, her house. We drink a couple he next several hours caught in orgasms. Then around sunrise afternoon when we wake up. ■

, impossible rock formations in a spaceship. ■

erson Cooper. And then having

ely 16, and the man that I am ed late at night. He catches me

touching myself, and pretends not to notice as he pulls the blankets back up over my naked body, flustered. His own daughter is back in my home country, but out of habit, he leans in to kiss my forehead, and I arch my body towards him and moan, grabbing his arm and moving it to my chest. I pull him closer, moving his hand down to my dripping pussy and ask, "Don't you want me, Sir?" "God yes." I pull off his clothes and in seconds he's inside me, thrusting and panting. "This is so wrong," he says. "You're barely my daughter's age. We should not be doing this." "Fuck me, Daddy," I say. "Please, don't stop." "You're so fucking tight. How are you this tight?" I pause, shyly turning my head as he continues slamming into my tight, wet cunt. "This is my first time." I thought this might make him stop, but he just starts moving faster, thank God, while he's still mumbling that it's so wrong and he'd kill

The Harvard Independent • 04.25.13

my father if he was doing this to his daughter while she was far away. I start to squirm as my orgasm builds, and I feel him harden even more inside of me. "I...I'm going to come, Daddy," I say. "Oh yes, baby girl, please, come for Daddy. Please." And I do, and he comes with me, collapsing on top of me as we lie there and he strokes my hair. "Good girl. Very good girl." ■

Having sex by some train tracks and getting caught by a homeless man sleeping there who didn’t seem to mind too much as well as by the police, who made us leave. Was chased out of my girlfriend’s house by her dad when he saw me sneaking out the back window. I was naked and holding my clothes in my hands. I cut my foot on broken glass in her backyard when her dad chucked a bottle of olive oil (he was using it to cook breakfast) at me. ■ tense up. When he's nice and slick, I grab his ass with both hands and begin working my head into him. At first he gasps from the pressure but soon he moans with pleasure as i suddenly slide in. Hot water rolls of my back as I pound my cock into him again and again before I cum inside him and he comes on the wall of the shower. As i pull my dick from him, some cum leaks out onto the shower floor before washing down the drain. ■

Walk down to the beach in the middle of the night at high tide. Find a secluded section with some natural driftwood and plants and have sex in in the sand while the grunion run up on the beach, lay eggs, and fertilize them around you. ■ John Travolta, MUNCH style ■ We're taking a shower together when I grab his soap and slowly begin to lube up his asshole. I tease him with a few fingers as he leans into the wall for balance and his cheeks

Being chained to a wall and taken from behind. By Roman guards. In a colosseum. harvardindependent.com

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Accessorize.. 1. Vibrator 2. Dildo 3. Cock ring 4. Chains 5. Strap-on 15% of people have taken a substance to increase their sexual pleasure.

Kinks

I’m, I’m, I’m.. Best Word for Ejaculate • empowerment juice • ambrosia (nector of the gods) • part of a balanced breakfast • *insert groan* • splooge/grool

Taste of Cum

Hairy guys, fit bears. Military attire.

• •

Possessiveness.

Asslicking (is this a fetish?).

• • • •

Imperial references during exploration of uncharted territory.

Salty clorox Swimming pool water with a dash of salt; add 10 g of Xantham gum and blend Like if someone was like, “huh, I’m going to make the worst tasting thing ever so that people will put it in holes that don’t have taste buds” Bleach and mushrooms Warm (but expired and really mushy) oatmeal? #thisiswhyimgay Like sunshine, rainbows, and the hopes and dreams of another human

Fondling male genitalia with my feet. Dressing up as characters from Game of Thrones during foreplay (blood included). Cuntnuggeting really turns me on, as well as masks of Ryan Gosling’s face [editorial note: see page 9 for definition of “cunt nugget.” Or don’t]. BDSM, I like to be choke-fucked, also whipped, chained, or anything you can do to punish me, handcuffs are cool too, HOMELESS PEOPLE TURN ME ON, I love grubby dirty men, also for some reason men in snowsuits. I love shoving small animals up my asshole and them squirming inside of me with their little claws crying to escape the pleasure tunnel that is my asshole, I WANT TO BE SPANKED LIKE THE NAUGHTY GIRL THAT I AM!!!!!! Horse masks.

STIFF

Got soap in it while masturbating...most pain I’ve felt in a while. I had an unmedicated erection that lasted five hours and had to have a needle stuck into my dick to get the cramping mass that was my cock to stop being hard. Mckinsey interview. All-male Catholic school. Group showers after gym. That’s really all there is to say on the matter.

I identify as a Dominate. I enjoy beating, restraining, tying up my partner. Blindfolding them, handcuffing them, overpowering them. Orders and commands.

Hot teacher grabbed it thinking it was my phone in my pocket. She gave me an A for the year and avoided eye contact for the next four months.

I like it when the girl pulls on octopus out of her vagina and uses it to lather up her whole body with marine juices.

I don’t have a penis, but once I was volunteering at a nursing home and one of the residents pulled out his boner.

Spanking, nipples pinched/bitten, want to try fisting. Yarmulkes and biceps. 10 harvardindependent.com

When I first met my girlfriend’s parents and shook her father’s hand, upon his touch I immediately got the worst boner I have ever had in my entire life. They all saw. Worst of all, I still get one every time I ever think of him.

While I was having sex on acid, my partner got so into it or got so hard that he tore a ligament in his cock and had to lay off for over a month. One time I got a boner while my friend’s head was resting in my lap. She’s a woman. I’m gay. Try explaining that one. They are always fantastic. No shame. 04.25.13 • The Harvard Independent


Self-Exploration What do you clean up with? • • • • •

Pocket Square American Flag Principles of Economics I dive into the Charles and turn into a dolphin More cum

Things I Stuck It In • • • • •

Bannana coated in peanut butter Figurine of Spike from Land Before Time Principles of Economics A smaller vagina Friend’s faces

Places I Stuck It • • • • •

A Larger Dick My TF Principles of Economics Belly button, on accident Some dude’s mouth in Argentina

Have You Masturbated in Public Yes (36%) No (64%)

The Internet Is For Porn Weirdest Porn

• 2 Girls 1 Cup • Anal Fisting so deep you see the stomache bump up. • Cake farts • Octopussy • Girl 1 stuck live eels into girl 2, who then pooped them out. • ...it was German. Called “The True Story of Snow White.” Imagine everything you loved in Snow White as a child. But with penises instead of the things you loved. • Lord of the Rings themed between Arwen and Gollum, except Gollum had a penis coming out of his forehead. • “Corn holing.” Literally a man anally penetrating two other men with ears of corn • Walked in on my friend watching an elephant fucking a midget. • “Shake that bear” a couple is hunting, shoots a bear, and then fucks the bear and the chick keeps saying, “shake that bear... yeah... oh... yeah... shake that bear.” • The Room

Do You Look at Porn/Erotica Not Geared Toward Your Sexual Orientation? Yes (35%) No (65%)

Sexting

I pull your boxers off and lick your length and suck on the side and then I put your tip in my mouth and circle my tongue around the tip and then suck on it to the middle then I deepthroat and you move all my hair out of the way to see me suck your dick. And I slide up to your neck and slowly put your dick in and then I start riding you and you’re grabbing and slapping my ass and I sit up straight while it’s in and gyrate a little. Then you turn me over so you can fuck me harder and I’m moaning and telling you to fuck me harder while you grab my boobs and I’m kissing and biting your neck. When you’re going to finish I suck your dick and deepthroat you and let you cum on my face and then I lick off and swallow the rest.

The Harvard Independent • 04.25.13

8==========>~~~~ :p [Texts from me to a lover. They’re real, I swear.] Thou art a cunning linguist after all. Imagine thou then another place of dream, A smooth and golden plain whose lord and master Thou art by virtue of thy gifted tongue, To which the land bends eagerly, and which In reciprocity is there rewarded: For even as you rouse the hills and vales With sensuous speech of yours, the valley too Invites you there to dip your golden pen, A shaft of sunlight in a sacred stream, And makes your ink to flow like silken cream At the touch of a maiden milkmaid’s hand.

PILF 1. Andrew Berry 2. Kevin Eggan 3. Pardis Sabeti 4. David Malan 5. Drew Faust 6. Lisa Randall 7. Greg Mankiw 8. Caroline Light 9. Gita Gopinath 10. Niall Ferguson

It Could Happen 1. Jennifer Lawrence 2. Emma Watson 3. Mila Kunis 4. Natalie Portman 5. Blake Lively 1. Ryan Gosling 2. Joseph GordonLevitt 3. James Franco 4. Andrew Garfield 5. Jake Gyllenhaal

I play a Division I sport at Harvard University. Get at me. harvardindependent.com

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Sexy Psyche The Indy interviews Dr. Justin Lehmiller. By ALBERT MURZAKHANOV

D

r. Justin Lehmiller is a Professor in the Department of Psychology at Harvard. Dr. Lehmiller conducts research on secret relationships, prejudice and stigma, sexual orientation, and friends with benefits. His website, www.lehmiller.com, was created to share knowledge acquired from scientific studies, rather than personal experience, about the science of sex, love, and relationships. His current project is a book entitled The Psychology of Human Sexuality.

AB: Why did you decide to study the psychology of human sexuality?  JL: I stumbled into this field by accident. Honestly, when I was an undergraduate student, I had no idea that you could even pursue a career in sex research. However, everything changed in the course of pursuing my PhD in social psychology at Purdue University. One semester, I was assigned to serve as a teaching assistant for a Human Sexuality course. My first response was, “Wait— you can take a class on this?” Needless to say, it was an incredibly eyeopening experience. Not only was it just about the most fun I had ever had in a classroom, but I learned so much practical information that I had never heard anywhere else. At the same time, I was very disappointed that I had not learned any of it sooner. This experience stimulated a desire to share this information with as many people as I possibly could and to try and contribute to our knowledge base in this incredibly understudied area through research. Since then, I have evolved into a full-fledged sex educator and researcher and I couldn’t imagine doing anything else with my life.    AB: Do you think it’s important to celebrate one’s sexuality? If so, why?  JL: I don’t know if “celebrate” is necessarily the word I would choose

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here, but I would argue that it is important to acknowledge and learn to be comfortable with your sexuality, whatever it may be. We know from research that when people try to repress or change their sexuality, the end result can be psychologically damaging, such as in the case of socalled “reparative therapy,” in which individuals try to change a gay or lesbian orientation to heterosexual. The key is to learn to be happy with who you are and to find a healthy sexual outlet based upon the principles of mutual consent, communication, and safety. It’s also important to recognize that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with you if you don’t desire sex—some people are asexual and are perfectly content without sex in their lives.   AB: What are the most interesting/ useful tips you discovered led to the most pleasure from sexual encounters?  JL: All of us have brains and bodies that are a little different, so it’s impossible to say that there’s any one thing that is guaranteed to enhance sexual pleasure for everyone. The best thing you can do is to communicate with your partner and be willing to try new things that will keep your relationship exciting. Many sexual problems stem from a lack of intimacy, poor communication, and the tendency

to fall into ruts and routines. It certainly takes a bit of effort, but you’re likely to have a much more satisfying sex life if you’re willing to share your desires and fantasies with your partner and are open to trying new sexual positions, settings, and acts.   AB: What are the most common myths associated with sexuality that have been proven wrong?  JL: How much time do you have? There are so many that it’s hard to make a short list. For starters, it is a myth that the key to sexual pleasure among heterosexual women is having a partner with a large penis. The reality is that most heterosexual women say that penis size makes no difference in their likelihood of reaching orgasm and that it is clitoral stimulation, not deep penetration that typically leads to climax. Another myth is that gay men are inherently more promiscuous than straight men. Research finds that gay and straight men have about equally high sex drives, and if you exclude the outliers, most of them report having pretty similar numbers of sexual partners. Other myths include the idea that there’s no such thing as male bisexuality, that porn causes brain damage, and that oysters are an aphrodisiac. Because there are so many persistent myths about sex

and sexuality, I started a blog called The Psychology of Human Sexuality with the goal of debunking them and providing the public with factual, science-based information about sex.   AB: What is the weirdest fact you learned from a study or from research regarding sexual intercourse? JL: One of the most unusual studies I ever read about involved heterosexual men who were assigned to watch one of two different porn clips: a video featuring two men having sex with the same woman, or a video of three women together. After watching the video, researchers collected sperm samples from the men. The guys who watched the video of two men and one woman produced ejaculate that contained more active sperm than the guys who watched the all-female video. Some have speculated that this is evidence of so-called “sperm competition” among men, or the idea that when men compete for access to the same mate, their sperm compete with each other in order to increase their chances of fertilization. Albert Murzakhanov ’16 (amurzakhanov@ college) has at least one class on his study card for next year.

04.25.13 • The Harvard Independent


Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby A look at the Peer Contraceptive Counselors. By KALYN SAULSBERRY

I

f you are a freshman, on Halloween you probably received a goodie bag on your door containing not candy corn, chocolate, or bubble gum typical of most trick-or-treat bags, but instead condoms and a sample of flavored lube. On Valentine’s Day, each upperclassmen room was also graced with the same goodie bag rather than a romantic box of chocolates typical of the holiday. Included in each of these bags is a sunny note from Harvard’s own Peer Contraceptive Counselors advising students to make healthy decisions about their sexual behaviors and welcoming them to stop by their office to ask questions and receive counseling. Peer Contraceptive Counselors (PCC) is one on-campus peer counseling group among four others including ECHO (Eating Concerns Hotline and Outreach), Response, Contact, and Room 13. However, PCC is different from these groups in that it focuses primarily on sexual health and relationships. The PCC office is located on the fifth floor of University Health Services; if you get lost looking for it, simply follow a series of hot pink signs leading out of the elevator. PCC offers a safe space for undergraduates to speak and learn about sexual issues in a nonembarrassing environment. One of the co-directors, Susannah Savage, a sophomore in Adams pursuing a joint concentration in History and Science and Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies said, “Students should be aware that we are a friendly organization and that we love to talk about these issues. People should never feel intimidated to come talk to us.” PCC co-director Faith Deis, a junior concentrating in Organismic and Evolutionary Biology living in Mather, seconded these sentiments and explained that, “It can be hard to talk to your friends about embarrassing sex issues or about how you feel in your relationships.” PCC allows students to speak openly in a space that promises to be nonjudgmental and non-directive, meaning that PCCs do not try to tell students what to do. Savage explained that, “Having a group like this on campus creates a space where people can come talk about issues relating to sex, whereas oftentimes some of those issues are very stigmatized by American culture.” PCC’s ability to transcend such stigma has the power to create a more positive environment for mental health — an issue that has become an increasingly recognized topic at Harvard. In addition to listening to students’ concerns and answering questions, PCCs are also dedicated to promoting education about sexual health among undergraduates. Along with condoms and lube, the office also contains books and pamphlets related to sexual health that students can peruse in the office or photocopy and take with them. The counselors have all gone through extensive training at the beginning of each semester to learn about issues relating to sexual health ranging from the pros and cons of intrauterine devices to the symptoms The Harvard Independent • 04.25.13

of sexually transmitted infections. The educational aspects of PCC are particularly important for undergraduates, because, as Deis explained, “There are a lot of myths around sex, and especially since people from Harvard come from all over the world, not all of us have gotten the same sex ed. So some people have come into Harvard and have had extremely good sex ed, and some people haven’t received any or abstinence-only education.” The wide range of sexual education among Harvard students prior to arriving in Cambridge makes it especially pertinent for there to be a space for undergraduates to ask questions that they may have always wanted to ask but did not know who to ask. The office is open from 7 p.m. to 12 a.m. on Sunday through Thursday and 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. on Friday and Saturday. Students can simply drop in without making an appointment, or they can call for counseling over the phone. The office is staffed usually by one peer counselor, and has readily available internal and external condoms of a variety of brands, lube, and dental dams which are all free and allow students to avoid a potentially embarrassing trip to CVS’s family-planning aisle.

As the whole process of going to PCC is anonymous and confidential, one can unabashedly stop in, say hello, grab condoms, and leave without even being asked his or her name. At Harvard, where everyone does a good job of at least pretending like they know what they are doing, it is important for students to have a space where they can speak honestly about their lives outside of the classroom. While there are plenty of places at Harvard to talk about planning for graduate school, how to craft the perfect cover letter, and proper etiquette for summer internships, there are much fewer spaces for Harvard students to ask questions beyond the realm of the classroom and pre-professional goals. “Harvard is a stressful place,” explained Dies, “so it’s nice to have a place where you can just go and be listened to.” Interested students should feel free to stop by the PCC office on the fifth floor of UHS, or call 617495-7561. Kalyn Saulsberry (ksaulsberry@college) will be sure to thank her friendly, neighborhood PCCs for their biannual goodie bags and ceaseless debunking of myths about sex. harvardindependent.com

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One and the Same By SEAN FRAZZETTE

A

thletes are sex symbols. There is no way around it. Whether it be a salacious pondering of Derek Jeter’s perfectly defined forearms, or sexually surmising about Alex Morgan’s long, athletic legs, people think about sex and sports as a cohesive unit. This isn’t the question. The question, rather, is why? How did athletes become such sex symbols? Maybe it was the Ancient Greeks. These men ran, jumped, and dominated in the athletic realms—mostly nude. With the rules loose and their junk looser, these ancient gladiators, chariot racers, and whatever else they used to play let everything out. Many attribute this to the homosocial culture of the times. Others cite the ease with which one can play sports in the nude. But I don’t think most would deny the clear sexual appeal. Or perhaps it started with the medieval times. Sure, the nude aspect was left behind with the Greco-Roman age, but there is something steamy and mysterious about the completely hidden body of a knight about to gallop on a horse, while firmly grasping the world’s most obvious phallic symbol. All of this, more or less, over

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a few darling princesses, imagined as the most beautiful, innocent, lovely women to walk the planet. The mystery, symbolism, and chivalry all have sexual appeal in their own rights. If not then, surely it could have been the Victorian ages. At first glance, there may not be much that’s sexy about the rich, white aristocracy playing croquet. And at second glance there probably still isn’t either. But at third, fourth, fifth, or (hopefully) sixth, there might be something, anything sexually attractive about this era. This age conveniently left sex out of all of their literature and history, but we know it was there. Why not put it with the athletes? Could it have been the time of World War II? With the men at war, the women began to take over the athletic realms of society. The pinstripes of the Yankees were lost, but the dawn of the female athlete was upon us. It’s true that female athletes often do not get their due respect as sex symbols. But there is improvement in the area. Without the 40s, could there be a Skylar Diggins or a Lindsey Vonn? Would we have all of those Russian tennis players? The monumental shift

of athletic achievement in this era has to be credited with at least part of the sexualization (and objectification?) of the athlete. And if the 40s made a movement, the 1960s only continued the trend. The 60s are sex. Everything about the age oozes sexuality. This would have been the peak of Wilt Chamberlain’s supposed 20,000 different women. This would have been the biggest turning point in feminism, as more women promoted (and acted upon) female sexuality. This must have been a Sexual Revolution in all of culture, meaning that athletes could not have been an exception. They never have been. Through all of Western history, athletes have been clear and present sex symbols. It could be their build, their competitive drive, or their flexible movements. It could be the cool confidence with which they all seem to hold themselves. It could be the massive amounts of fame and fortune they have collected over generations. Or, most likely, a combination of these things. Sex and sports go hand in hand. And they have. There’s nothing good

Slam dunks, third base, and tight ends. or bad about it — there just is. We have symbols like Tim Tebow, known for his conservative virginity, and Tiger Woods, known for his addictive sexuality. Both are frowned upon for what society sees wrong in them. Both are lauded for what society sees right in them. But both very clearly have a certain sexual importance in their names. In the end, there is no end. Sex doesn’t look like it’s leaving sports’ side any time soon. Athletes will continue to hold the stereotypes: quarterbacks will get the cheerleaders, a game-winning shot will get you laid, and a gymnast must be good in bed. Stereotypes are never a smart way to govern opinions, but in this case, they must be seen as true to some extent. No, not every quarterback gets the cheerleader, just like not every great athlete is flaunting his or her sexual desirability. But when it comes to sex and sports, there is no stopping the bond — it’s just natural. Sean Frazzette ‘16 (sfrazzette@college) puts the pole in pole vaulting.

04.25.13 • The Harvard Independent


Pregnant with Ideas

This is what happens when you don’t use protection. Or spellcheck. By LAUREN COVALUCCI

S

ex happens, and that means that sometimes babies happen, too. I have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be pregnant, so I can only assume that it’s exactly like writing a paper (Logic!). Here’s what to expect when you’re expecting a term paper: 1. The Cravings Sometimes it’s 2:30 a.m. and you realize that you haven’t eaten in ten hours. Your stomach realizes this soon after you do, and then it wants maple and brown sugar oatmeal like nobody’s business, despite the fact that you normally hate maple and brown sugar oatmeal. But hey, you’re eating for two (to twelve pages)—grab some mozz sticks while you’re at it.

2. The Forced Sobriety I mean, I guess it’s not forced, per se. But if you insist on

Foolin’ Around Compiled By FRANK TAMBERINO & SEAN FRAZZETTE Louis CK “Masturbation doesn’t bring much joy to guys. Women seem to like masturbating. They put flower petals on the pillow. They’re like ‘Ahhhh, meeee!’ but with men, sometimes you find ecstasy, but it’s followed by the deepest self-hate and depression you’ve ever felt. It’s an amazing drop from up here with ‘Ahhh yeahhh’ to ‘What the fuck is wrong with me? Goddamnit.’" “I don’t have sex ‘drive.’ I have sex ‘just sit in the car and hope someone gets in.’” “When I discovered masturbation I was so happy. Everybody loves it. Nobody is like ‘this fucking sucks!’” The Harvard Independent • 04.25.13

getting your drank on, then be prepared for some sad consequences. 3. Swollen Ankles What can I say — if you’ve been sitting down for a really long time, the blood is going to go to your feet. Don’t be too surprised if you can’t zip up your favorite boots after a few weeks of papering. 4. The Awkward Resting/Writing Positions Momma’s gotta work where she’s gotta work. If that means being curled into a strange ball on the common room floor with extra pillows for back support, that’s where you have to be. 5. The Odd Sleep Schedule What’s that? You finally get to go to bed, only to feel an argument kicking at your skull? Fine, thesis statement,

Steve Martin "You know that look that women get when they want to have sex?...Me neither.” Patrice O'Neal "Sex is so much fun for dudes. Cause we got a money shot! We both have orgasms, but men have a receipt! We see it! And it's a payoff. You be like ‘I am satisfied cause that's what it is. Look at it.’ You don't think you'd be happier, ladies, if you could just shoot a couple of eggs in a guy's face? Right on top of his forehead? Call your friends on the phone, ‘I just egged on the top of his head.’ ‘Don't tell your friends our business!’ ‘Shut up, she already knows I egg on the top of your head.’" Lewis Black "Now with the internet, people can work from home. When people tell you they work from home, it's bullshit. What they're doing at home is masturbating. I know because I work from home." Sarah Silverman “I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend's penis and all of a sudden I'm thinking, ‘Oh My God, I'm turning into my mother!’” (on Anal Sex) "He's, like, trying to sell me on it being ‘natural’. I'm like, ‘Um, first of all — doody comes out of there, ok? And second of all —

settle down. I’ll get up and type you out. 6. Labor Sometimes it’s quick and easy and sometimes you’re pushing hard for two days straight. It has to get out somehow, and you’re the one who has to get it there. Now buckle down and make some magic happen. 7. The Ineffective Birthing Coaches Yeah, I know I should have started this three days ago. Thanks. No, I don’t have time to breathe. Oh, really, REALLY. Well if it’s so easy then why don’t you do it?! 8. The Aftermath You did it, and you’re pretty proud of yourself, but you really shouldn’t look at that thing until it gets cleaned up a little. Not that you’re a field of daisies at the moment, either. For the love of humanity (the humanities?), go take a shower and get some sleep. 9. The Amnesia They say* that the only reason a woman would ever have more than one child is that the crazy swirl of post-birth hormones makes her forget how much it all sucked. Studies show* that this is the same mechanism that allows students to continue on through college after sophomore year. *By they I mean I. Lauren Covalucci ’14 (covalucci@college) is most afraid of paper jams.

fucking doody comes out of there.’ I don't need two reasons when doody's involved." Billy Crystal “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” Mitch Hedberg “I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.” Amy Schumer “I don’t like to watch the end of any porn because guess what happens at the end of the rainbow every time? Spoiler alert: He cums on her face! Oh, what an amazing choose your own adventure!…He never is having sex with her, he looks off camera in her backpack and is like, ‘Oh, are you reading that Nicholas Sparks book, too? My god, what are the chances? Let’s open a bead and breakfast together.’ No, he comes on her head.” Richard Lewis “During sex I fantasize that I’m someone else.” Garrison Keillor “Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.”

harvardindependent.com

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Bleeding Love Why the Indy thinks you shouldn’t have pity sex...

T

he worst was this girl who I brought back as a drunken hook up. It was sympathy sex for her because I could tell she liked me, but I didn't think she was that attractive. Oh well, I bring her back to my room, and it just so happens that my roommate's name is...let's call him Albert, and some guy who stalked her was also called Albert. So when I told her my roommate was Albert, she started freaking out even though they're not the same Albert (I should've seen the signs not to do anything). But I told her to chill a bit, and then we started making out on my bed. Soon, we're taking off our clothes, and I start to finger her and she starts rubbing my dick, but she's 16 harvardindependent.com

so freaking bad at it. Like you gotta stroke that shit nice and soft, but it felt like she was yanking on it. So I'm like, stop that ho, here lemme lick you. So I go down on her (first time I went oral on a girl), and that shit was just nasty and salty. So I was just like, yeah maybe we should stop... so we get dressed and I walk her home. As I'm walking back, I see that my hand is all bloody. FUCK. I run into my friends on the street, and I start freaking out that she had a period on my hand, and they all start freaking out too. They were surprised at how much blood there was on my hands: it wasn't like a bit of period blood, this was like I freaking strangled a small bunny with

my bare hands. I go back to my room to see how my sheets were doing, and there was pretty good sized pool of blood. FUCK. And it had penetrated the several layers of sheets that I have (thank god it didn't get to my memory foam layer), and I instantly washed all of it. That was a lotta blood. What was worse was that I later realized it wasn't her blood: it was mine. See, I'm uncircumcised, and she ripped a bit of my foreskin while yanking my dick. I was bleeding from my dick in the shower, and the next day my boxers were bloody too. FUCK, worst hookup EVER.

04.25.13 • The Harvard Independent


The Sex Issue