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)NSIDE!THLETES ABSTINENCEEDUCATION ANDTHESEXSURVEY


04.30.09 vol. xl, no. 23 The Indy assumes the position.

independent THE HARVARD

President Diana Suen ‘11 Cover art by CANDICE SMITH

Forum 3

Purity Ring My Bell Youth, Uncorrupted Sex Tape Escape Lola, not Lolita

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Special 5-7

Indy Sex Survey

Arts 8 9 10

Production Manager Faith Zhang ‘11

News Editor Forum Editor Arts Editor Sports Editor Design Editor Graphics Editor

Susan Zhu ‘11 Riva Riley ‘12 Pelin Kivrak ‘11 Hao Meng ‘11 Patricia Florescu ‘11 Candice Smith ‘11 Jenn Chang ‘11 Sonia Coman ‘11

Associate Business Manager Associate Graphics Editor

Staff Writers

Peter Bacon ‘11 Rachael Becker '11 Andrew Coffman ‘12 Caroline Corbitt ‘09 Truc Doan ‘10 Ray Duer ‘11 Pippa Eccles ‘09 Jessica Estep ‘09 Nicholas Krasney ‘09 Markus Kolic ‘09 Allegra Richards ‘09 Andrew Rist ‘09 Jim Shirey ‘11 Alice Speri ‘09 John Beatty '11 Levi Dudte '11 Steven Rizoli '11

Graphics, Photography, and Design Staff

Provincial Cosmopolitan If There's a Will... Titillating Treats Space for the Space

Sports 11 Non-Olympians to Ogle

For exclusive online content, visit www.harvardindependent.com 2

Editor-in-Chief Sam Jack ‘11

staff@harvardindependent.com

Ben Huang ‘09 Edward Chen '09 Sonia Coman '11 Caitie Kakigi ‘09 Eva Liou ‘11 Caitlin Marquis ‘10 Lidiya Petrova ‘11 Sally Rinehart ‘09 Kristina Yee ‘10

As Harvard College's weekly undergraduate newsmagazine, the Harvard Independent provides in-depth, critical coverage of issues and events of interest to the Harvard College community. The Independent has no political affiliation, instead offering diverse commentary on news, arts, sports, and student life. For publication information and general inquiries, contact President Diana Suen (president@harvardindependent.com). Letters to the Editor and comments regarding the content of the publication should be addressed to Editor-in-Chief Sam Jack (editor@harvardindependent.com). Yearly mail subscriptions are available for $30, and semester-long subscriptions are available for $15. To purchase a subscription, email subscriptions@harvardindependent.com. The Harvard Independent is published weekly during the academic year, except during vacations, by The Harvard Independent, Inc., P.O. Box 382204, Cambridge, MA 02238-2204. Copyright © 2008 by The Harvard Independent. All rights reserved.

11.09.06 11.02.06sThe Harvard Independent 04.30.09


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Abandon “Abstinence-Only” Not So Naughty Kids deserve to know the whole story. S

U NITED States is in a sorry state. The Bush-administration supported Abstinence-Only sex ed campaign has proven painfully ineffective: the pregnancy rate of teenage mothers has increased for the first time in 14 years. Furthermore, the United States has the highest rate of teenage pregnancies among industrialized nations. As someone who has sat through lessons in abstinence-only sex ed, I have seen in a painfully obvious way how it fails high school students. Despite the fact that I attended a public school, the sex education offered was primarily abstinenceonly, and during one terrible lesson a girl who was then pregnant was forced by our oblivious teacher to participate in a skit. In the skit, the girl had to read lines praising the effects of remaining abstinent until marriage and how it is the best course of action and everyone should comply with it. Of all the uncomfortable things I can imagine, this one stands out in its cruelty to the young woman the system had failed. Abstinence-only education is fatally flawed. Would it be best if adolescents waited until marriage to have intercourse? Absolutely. Will they wait until marriage? In general, they will not, and teaching them abstinence-only standards is like teaching people to be cancer-free: it does not actually prevent anything from happening. My school even paid for a religious organization to come to class and expound on the virtues of abstinence while dismissing condoms as “risky” and “unreliable.” I was offended as a sophomore in high school, and a freshman in college I am furious. How could a school fail its students in that way? How could it willingly lead us down a path with a glaring trap rushing at us? EX EDUCATION IN THE

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forum@harvardindependent.com

A disappointing sex shop experience.

By RIVA RILEY I am not sure if my school truly believed it was doing the best thing for its students — maybe it did. What I do know, however, is that these sorts of campaigns are utterly ineffective. Martha Kempner, spokeswoman for the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, remarked that “Abstinenceonly was an experiment and it failed.” This much is clear from statistical evidence and anecdotal accounts, and not telling students about contraception and safe sex can be wholly dismissed as absurd. Leaving aside the social implications of this issue, however, and the fact that high rates of teenage pregnancy are detrimental to society, lying to students about the effectiveness of condoms and other contraception is unacceptable. It is just as bad as teaching students that money grows on trees or evolution is a myth. Private schools can teach whatever they please, but public schools exist to educate their students and get them ready for the world beyond, and lying to them about the biology of reproduction and contraception should be considered a crime. At my school, the crime was particularly heinous because the school had a competent group of science teachers; it was only the politicized arena of sex education that suffered. Abstinence-only sex ed should be eradicated because it teaches students material that is simply wrong, and they do not deserve to be lied to. If we are to hold ourselves to some standards of ethics in education, then we have to present the facts to both secondary and elementary school students in a realistic and objective manner. Riva Riley (rjriley@fas) had terrible health class experiences.

By FAITH ZHANG

A

BOUT TEN MINUTES ’ DRIVE FROM MY

house, next to a bowling alley, there is a dingy little shop in the parking lot of an otherwise relatively prosperous strip mall. The windows are dirty and entirely covered over with white posters that are more or less unreadable from the road; the only hint of what waits inside is the broken sign that says ADULT VIDEOS.

I’m told that taking a look inside is

something of a rite of passage at my high school, though I never did get the chance to try myself — as intriguing and hilarious as sex might have been, something about the aura of dirtiness (and not in the fun way) that place gave off was distinctly off-putting. Instead, the particular pleasure of visiting an ADULT store was put off until spring break this year, when I found myself touring the Deep South with the Radcliffe Choral Society. So picture this, then: a little town called Gatlinburg in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee, with no apparent purpose other than catering to tourists — what other possible explanation could there be for such a place as the Mountain Mall, which contained such gems as a shop that specialized solely in anything related to turtles; one devoted to outfitting customers like cowboys (I’d always thought cowboys were a western thing, not a southern one, but apparently not); and — directly across from a toy store — Nice & Naughty, which bills itself as

“elegant lingerie and adult novelties.” I’ll be honest: the most exciting part of the whole thing was stepping inside, realizing what kind of store it was, and being asked my age by the two clerks — middle-aged men, naturally. So there we are, my eighteen-year-old self and a female friend with these two middleaged me in a room of cheap-looking and frankly unsexy lingerie with the lace already fraying on the hanger — and it’s

the two of them who look impressed with their own naughtiness. The thing is, the whole thing might have been the most anti-climactic experience of my life. There was a tiny hall in the back lined with a couple of dildos and a package or two of edible underwear, and then an equally tiny room containing a paltry collection of porn DVDs — the Indy publishes more issues a year than there were DVDs in that room. And besides, who buys porn in an actual store anymore? I can’t quite say what I was expecting, but I think I was hoping to be scandalized or at least titillated; at the very least I never thought a sex shop would be so terribly, hilariously tame — so much so that, actually, putting it across from a toy store seems perfectly reasonable in retrospect. Alas for the days of my lost innocence! Faith Zhang ’11 (fhzhang@fas) is saddened to find that once again, expectations exceed reality. 04.30.09 s The Harvard Independent


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Survival 101: Sex Edition It’s a jungle out there. By JOHN BEATTY Your hookup is under age (To Sex tape on the internet (Paris Hilton Scenario) You’re checking your email one day and your blockmate sends you an email: Got this forward to me. Hilarious! It totally looks like you. So funny! You click the link and see a blurry image of what looks like two college students going at it. You realize something: One of those college students is you. First, you’ll want to make sure this is a survival scenario and not a spot of good luck. If it turns out to be that night when he/she called you “a complete sex god,” then maybe you want to just let this crisis play itself out. Information wants to be free, and who are you to censor the Internet? Maybe register a fake email account and spam some lists with the link, just to help move past the awkwardness. In the case that the only noises he/ she is making on the tape are snores, there aren’t many ways to get out of this sticky situation. A surprising amount of private information is available on the Internet, and, apparently, now so

is the fact that you like to be called Captain Kirk in bed. There isn’t much you can do to get the tape removed, and since you’ve found it, it has probably already begun circulating. What you need to do is not remove the tape, but neutralize it some other way. Remember: Photoshop is your friend. If you don’t know how to use it, find someone you trust completely to help you put a new face on the problem, literally. Get creative; either you can be making love to the hottest man/ woman out there or your worst enemy is making love to Drew Faust or Barry Kane. The details are so important: just get that new tape out there to muddy the waters and start sending out CHECK OUT THE REAL SEX TAPE emails as quick as Gmail can route those little packets of information. Once that’s done, deny everything and enjoy the twenty second attention span of the modern world. Without blaming them for any deficiencies in this article, I would like to thank Antonio Fazio, Kevin Fiamingo, & Daniel Alfino for research assistance.

Catch a Predator Scenario) You’re getting hot and heavy with a cute prefrosh back in your room and she/ he says, “College is great. I’m so glad I skipped two grades”. 17 minus 2 equals 15. You’re doing it like they do it on the discovery channel with someone who was born the year the Lion King was released. Awkward. First things first, make sure she/he is indeed underage before responding. Maybe they took a year or three off to find themselves in the Australian outback. Statistically unlikely, but if so, you can get busy with someone who knows all about going down under. To get their age without tipping them off, try asking them subtle questions that may reveal the answer. If they are underage, they would have only been six or seven in 2000. Say something like, “Don’t you remember the first time you watched the Olympics? Which one was it?”. If they say Athens, that means 2004 and you have a major (rather, minor) problem on (rather, in) your hands. Earlier you’re fine. Later, and you better hope they are still confused by the talking picture box. Once you’ve deduced their age through

clever questions, you’ll need to take stock of the scenario. If the deed has been done, it’s too late. Enjoy yourself; the law has already been broken. Lie back and get an interesting perspective of the speed of technological progress by asking them about their first computer or cell phone. Alternatively, make hay while the sun shines and have another go. Just be sure to make sure they get your name wrong. If you haven’t yet done anything statutory, i.e. worthy of a statue, then you’re all set. Just back off a little and play it cool. Try to find a way to subtly get them to leave, such as by making them feel awkward. Remember, the person is still in high school and most likely has a much higher tolerance for awkwardness. Starting a long discussion about the details of the 1918 epidemic in comparison to swine flu, good. Peeing your pants, too much. Mentioning an imaginary girlfriend/boyfriend, good. Peeing their pants, too much. John Beatty ‘11 (jemmert.beatty@gmail) doesn’t have any idea what to do if taped having sex with an under-aged Paris Hilton.

Lo-Lo Lo La Lola

What to do if she “walks like a woman but talks like a man?” Wear a condom.

L

By SAM CLEMENS

HARVARD STUDENT, I’m still not entirely convinced that people actually have the Sex. I’ve certainly never done It, but whenever someone surprises me by asking how often I have the Sex I usually make up some absurd figure meant to dispel all doubt. This is only one of the many ways the Sex resembles flossing. But one thing I can speak about with considerable authority is the issue of accidental intimate liaisons with people of the same sex. By this I mean I have written numerous books on the subject. To begin: whatever stances you may have on premarital sex, abortion, and whether or not feminism is the proximal cause for the disintegration of the American family, we can all agree on one thing: “Lola,” by the Kinks, is the best song ever written. In an odyssey worthy of Homer, Tolkien, and perhaps even Jim Jenkins (creator of ‘Doug’) we learn of one disconsolate young man’s IKE ANY SKEPTICAL

The Harvard Independent s 04.30.09

quest to find love in the veiny, pulsating sweat-hole of what we can hardly dispute is an amoral universe. I am, of course, referring to England. Now, I will not waste your time by engaging in a textual analysis of what is quite flagrantly the most delicious thing law-abiding Earth-persons could possibly draw through their cochlear membranes. I will only try to impress upon you the absolutely essential lessons buried under the countless layers of the narrator’s psychosis, who, to all outward appearances, seems to be singing a song about going home with a transvestite for the express purpose of embarking on some form of sexual exploration. How does Mr. Wants-Us-To-BelieveHe-Fits-The-Heteronormative-Mold deal with this situation? The same way any of us should deal with the situation. He goes with the flow. It simply does not matter to him that his beloved ‘Lola’

has a Y chromosome, square shoulders, and a fairly impressive cock. It does not matter to him for three distinct reasons, which I will translate into very concrete, pragmatic tips that you can use next time you find yourself aroused by a man in women’s clothing, a woman in man’s clothing, or something equally surprising. First, our narrator understands that love is something far too complicated and precious to ever be subordinate to stupid things like whether there is a dick where you expected a vagina to be. So what’s the tip? If you find yourself snooping around the vaginaplace and discover something more akin to a phallus, do not panic. You can handle the situation with tact and grace by simply pretending to be in love. But beware: this approach can easily backfire if you decide to vocalize this pretense. Never ever tell anyone you love them, especially during sex. Talk

about killing the mood! Second, our narrator was most likely extremely drunk. Let me be clear: in no way am I telling you to drink to excess. I only ask that you focus solely on the last three words of the previous sentence, and repeat them to yourself every night before going to sleep. Third, wear a ‘condom.’ I’m pretty sure I can’t remember what this list is supposed to be about, but I have recently heard that ‘the condoms’ actually provide a thin impermeable membrane between the fleshes of sexual combatants. If you think this sounds like science-fiction, well, just wait till I tell you about the’micro-wave’! It’s an even more implausible device, which, amazingly enough, feels even stranger wrapped around your genitals. Sam Clemens is too insecure to function. Also, in case you didn’t catch this, it’s a pseudonym. forum@harvardindependent.com

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The most attractive residence is Adams House, followed by Dunster House. The least attractive residence is the Dudley Co-op, closely followed by Winthrop House. Of the students who haven't had sex before, most are Human Evolutionary Biology concentrators. 7% of respondents have admitted to having sex with someone from Cambridge Rindge and Latin. People with GPAs between 3.2-3.39 are most likely to get orgasms from sex. People with GPA of 4.0 are most likely to get orgasms from masturbation. 8.4% of Harvard students have sex once a day. 11% of females look at porn once a week or more. 42% of males do. 70% of students with 4.0 GPAs never look at porn. 47% of students whose primary extracurricular is religious have had intercourse. 33% have never gone past kissing. 23% of Harvard students have had sex with their best friend. 6% have had sex with their best friend's significant other.

Welcome to the Indy's annual

Sex Survey 22% of females and 5% of males have never had an orgasm. 71% of Lowell residents have sex at least a few times a week. 42% of Leverett residents have never had sex but 7% of Mather residents have never had sex. 7% of those with a GPA of 3.8 or higher have had 10 or more sexual partners. 60% of females prefer birth control pills as their form of contraceptive.

K

Dear readers, It’s 3AM, and you wake up to a series of thumps and moans. Furious that you’re being deprived of your beauty sleep, you silently rage about the sexual proclivities of your fellow students. But let’s face it — secretly, you just wish it were you. We’re often stereotyped for being nerdy, antisocial, and generally, people who just don’t know how to party. But who says Harvard students don’t know how to have fun? The awkward, gangly boy in section morphs into Michelangelo’s David in bed. The homely, quiet girl reading in the dining hall studies The Phenomenology of the Spirit by day, and the phenomenology of the human body by night. Tutors wink and congratulate us on “making some noise.” It is in the spirit of exposing Harvard students for what they really are that we present to you the Harvard Independent’s 2009 Survey. We offer you enlightening statistics, shocking graphs, and romantic, bitter, and sometimes scandalous anecdotes from your fellow students, and we hope you enjoy our annual tradition. Sexily yours, Diana Suen ’11, President Sam Jack ’11, Editor-in-Chief

The Harvard Independent s 04.30.09

arts@harvardindependent.com

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indy special FIRST TIMES - It was after prom. We were in the basement of a party, he wasn’t my date. Then the cops came and we ran out the basement door to the outside and drove away, but he forgot his pants. - (Ideal) I want the foreplay to be slow, innocent, quietly simmering, chemistry-laden and heavy eye contact foreplay that turns, via playful touches and hugs, into a boiling, yeswe-really-just-want-to-touch-each-other make-out session with audible, almost-in-tandem breathing and sensual, full-contact undressing, which spills over naturally into completely enthralled lovemaking. Followed by happy, contented cuddling, falling peacefully asleep, and waking up next morning with the sunlight streaming onto my partner’s face. Or maybe something in the shower. - (expected) I will probably be drunk, it will probably be awkward and quick and one of us will not be allowed to stay for the night. Or I will have morning breath. Or I will be 40 and exchanging sex for basic computer literacy skills. I’m very optimistic at this point. - On the first night of Freshman year — when the power went out and they had to close the dorms—I just went to Adams house and started knocking on doors. This really cute guy was the first person to answer, and he opened the door in his bathrobe. I asked if he would let me spend the night in his room and he asked how much I was going to be wearing. I don’t know why, but I just sorta grabbed inside his bathrobe and pulled him towards me. We did 69, and then he fucked me really, really hard. I slept soundly — as, I’m sure, did my parents whom I’ve never even told about the power outage. - Brief. It was so short, my boyfriend actually said “uh-oh” before he came. - Highly sketchy but fun. I was a junior in high school and was one of the editors of our school paper. My girlfriend was the former editor-in-chief. Late one night, we felt we were ready for sex and, so, we went down to the paper’s basement office in order to baptize the couch with our love. in retrospect, it definitely wasn’t the first time the couch, which was suspiciously stained, had been used for such a purpose. Strangely enough, I ended up dislocating my shoulder rather badly in an unrelated incident later that night when I tried to hop a fence. (my shoulder routinely popped out of its socket during football games so it wasn’t that unexpected but, until that night, I had always been able to pop it back in) . High school being the swampiest breeding-ground of rumors known to man, the two events were conflated and I was forever known to my classmates as that dude who dislocated his shoulder while losing his cherry. - Bathhouse packed full of middle aged gay men. He was Brazilian. It was okay, not ultimately satisfying, but I was feeling around. I was, of course, paranoid I’d get things ‘wrong’. - Oh wow, this is a good story. So, I dated this girl when I was in 8th grade - no, I didn’t have sex in 8th grade, but it was fairly physical for an 8th grade relationship. We broke up amicably, and she started dating this guy for about a year. When he dumped her, I ended up being a rebound fuck. The thing is, I later found out that one of the reasons she was so upset about being dumped is that she had just learned she was pregnant. In order to pay for her abortion (because she couldn’t tell her parents), she sold blowjobs in downtown Detroit. And, to top it all off, I was 16 and she was 15, which in Michigan is two sides of the age of consent. So, basically, when I lost my virginity I raped a pregnant whore. - In her grandmother’s bedroom in a shitty apartment. My phone rang three times, hers twice. Then her mother came in. It was pretty awkward. - Not even a joke: I got rickrolled. - I lost my virginity the night of Sex Signals freshman year. Thanks Harvard! - Debauchery got debaucherous.

FAVORITE FANTASIES Common themes: Tropical island or beach themed - "Sand dunes. Midday. I want sweat pouring down both of us and for us to eventually roll down the dunes together (and somehow not get a vagina full of sand)." - Sex on a desert beach just as the sun is setting or rising, with soft waves crashing all around and a blanket keeping the sand from interfering. It would of course start with a a picnic and champagne, before some naked swimming, then a retreat to the blankets... Of course this fantasy setting would lack both seagulls and crabs (either kind). - "Tropical beach, floral scents, candles, a man that I love and a big white linen-sheeted bed. Oh and perhaps some handcuffs." Group sex themed: Three-somes, 11-somes. "All I'm comfortable saying is I like leather, watersports, and prefrosh." Most popular celebrities: - Angelina Jolie (3) - Barack Obama (2): "Barack Obama — any way, anywhere." - Heidi Klum (1) - Oprah Winfrey (1) - Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz (together) Harvard themed: - A giant orgy at Primal Scream - Doing something in every library on campus in a single day. Maybe with a different guy each time. - Having sex with a girlfriend behind the stage in Sanders while HRO is playing. - Sex with my married head TF. *sigh* - Sleeping with a professor after a class. Other - I want to have a heated religious discussion with a nun, then deflower her while she yells "Yes! Yes! Oh, there is no God!" - I'd love to fuck on an airplane - not in the lavatory, but in the aisle. I wish I had the balls to not care about getting arrested. Preferably Continental Airlines. - Three girls - I can honestly do that! I can prove it, really! OK, no one believes me. - Doing it in an isolated forest or public transportation. - On a red Corvette in the rain. - Oh, around fourteen inches.

The Su

By INDY STAFF and TH FAVORITE BODY PART TO KISS

- Near the belt line — I like to tease for a while. - Tail - I like to give big wet kisses on the cheek. - Elbow - Bellybutton - Patricia Florescu - Collarbone - Pelvic bone - Supraspinous ligament - Glabella - Behind the knees - 2nd toe - Adam’s apple

FAVORITE BODY PART TO BE KISSED - Elbow - Glans - Anywhere. Please. - Bites on collar bone - Distal phalanges - Patricia Florescu - Nape of the neck - Xiphoid process - Asshole - Right below the lower lip. - Lips. No, the other ones. - Ribs

ON BEING RICK ROLLED

"Does that mean a threesome with Rick Astley?" "What does that even mean? Is he going to pull out and turn into Rick Astley or something, singing into his dick instead of a microphone?" "Completely depends on the circumstances. If the moment were right..." "Oh HELL NO. That would be grounds for divorce." "Awesome. I'm not even sure how that would be physically possible, but I'm going to check my condom drawer for Rick Astley from now until the end of time." "It would be awesome. I would totally orgasm." "Great idea! I will try this tonight and let you know how it goes. I sense it will be legen — wait for it — dary." "If Rick Astley walked into the room, I would jizz immediately." "Uhh rolled over by a guy named Rick? I'm down." "That would be awesome. If you could arrange that somehow I would be indebted for life." "There is a difference between being rickrolled and having sex?"

MAX MISHKIN/Independent

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forum@harvardindependent.com

04.30.09 s The Harvard Independent


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e Sex urvey

HE STUDENTS OF HARVARD FAVORITE SEX POSITIONS - Cowgirl and reverse cowgirl - Funky monkey - Face pushed into the bed. - Froggy style, back against the wall. - Saskatoon Totem Pole (http://www.canadiansexacts. org/canadian_statement.htm) - In the shower with her feet wrapped around me pinned up against the wall. - Man standing, woman on desk. - Ok, so, I put my leg behind my head, and she bends over backwards. Then I watch her play chinese checkers with my blockmates while I cry in the corner. - Doggy style while masturbating, or just missionary. - Viennese Oyster or Deep Impact - Interdigitating — holding hands with intertwined fingers; extremely versatile -- can be done while taking a walk or watching a movie, in public or private. - The asymmetric nucleophilic aromatic substitution. For details and diagrams, see Organocatalytic Regio- and Asymmetric C-Selective SNAr Reactions-Stereoselective Synthesis of Optically Active Spiro-pyrrolidone-3,3’oxoindoles Marco Bella, Sara Kobbelgaard, and Karl Anker Jrgensen J. Am. Chem. Soc.; 2005; 127(11) pp 3670 - 3671. - The Teabag Protest - Barrel roll - Le tour Eiffel and donkey punching. Preferably both. - The Basset Hound. Woof Woof! - The girl lying face down on the bed, legs spread, hands possibly tied to the bed frame, and I’m on top of her, either holding her body with my hands, or with my hands on the bed next to her body - Any position on top of thousands of discarded copies of the Indy. - Missionary: you have sex like God intended. - Girl on top, doing all the work - I like to be on top in the bathtub, so that I float above him, holding onto the edge of the tub and he thrusts and the water splashes. this does not occur in the dormitory. - Old King Clancy - The Braying Donkey - Wheelbarrow - Over, sideways and under (on a magic carpet ride). - Pirate Sex (To quote Urban Dictionary: “When you are having sex, you kick the girl in the shins so she hops on one leg and you come in her eye so she can only see out of one. Then she looks like a pirate!”) - The spastic eagle. I and four other guys simultaneously take a girl up the butt, in the vagina, in the mouth, and get a hand-job from each hand. I prefer being the mouth, but we take turns so it’s all good. - Flying Dutchman

The Harvard Independent s 04.30.09

CAMPUS CONQUEST LOCATIONS - Lamont Library poetry room - Widener bathrooms - Expos office - Behind the John Harvard statue - Bushes of Harvard Yard by Boylston gate - Canaday laundry room - Pool table in Wigg basement - UHS - Tercentenary Theatre - Science Center bathroom - Currier Daniels tower elevator - Cabot Science Library - Quad grass area - Taxi going to the Quad - Benches by the Charles - Hilles - Room 13 - Elevator in Crimson - Widener steps during Yardfest - Sanders during Ec10 lecture - Gato Rojo - In Henry David Thoreau’s room. - Nowhere exciting yet. But back home I have had sex in a number of exciting places from the rooftop of my boyfriend’s old elementary school, to the ravine of a public park, to a dressing room in Urban Outfitters, to the laundry room of a house party, to the outside of my Catholic high school in front of the statue of the Virgin Mary (at midnight of course), the restroom at Starbucks, the car the car the car, my parents’ bed, his parents’ bed, by a river at night, in a concrete park downtown... - Mather elevator - Floor of Leverett super’s office

CAMPUS FANTASY LOCATIONS - John Harvard’s lap - Annenberg Bell Tower - Shuttle - Roof of Adams House - William James 15th floor - SOCH Penthouse - Andover Theological Library - University Hall - Weeks Footbridge - Spee fire escape - Boys’ football locker room - Quincy Grille counter - HUPD golf cart - Under the podium during a faculty meeting Drew Faust is chairing. Budget cuts get me off. - On the Gutenberg bible - Kirkland House courtyard hammock - DeWolfe trash room

indy

BAD DATES, BAD SEX - I got a whiff from the rear end during doggie style one time and couldn’t bring myself to have sex with the girl again. - While hooking up with a girl, she asked me to start talking about Otto von Bismarck and the Franco-Prussian War. It turned her on. - I was getting banged in this bathroom, and the person before me had forgotten to lift the seat when he went to the bathroom. so I sat on the seat and I got urine on me, and then I realized, he hadn’t flushed either. But the guy I was banging kept going and going, so I couldn’t get up to tell him about what was underneath me. Then he slipped on the floor, and when he came out of me, he hit his privates on the toilet. He screamed, and someone opened the bathroom door, to see me half naked and him on the floor clutching his privates. There was a whole party going on outside. - My first and only hook-up was with the hottest guy I have ever met. I felt super lucky and excited, and a little afraid. In the end he tried to have anal sex without asking. I didn’t tell him to stop when I knew what he was doing because I thought he’d be really slow and gentle and use lots of lube — HOT! But instead he just shoved it up there. When I told him to stop, he immediately stuck it back in my vagina. I’ve been battling multiple vaginal infections for the last 2 months. - I recently had sex with a guy who was a biter. Not the good kind of biting, but more like a snake, just biting over and over, quick and painful, nothing sexy about it. I had marks the next day, teeth marks all over my neck. The worst part? That’s not the only place he bit. - This one time, I decided to go to Harvard. The terrible sex story is ongoing. - Once I was hooking up with a guy in a kitchen and he picked me up to put me on the counter, but he accidentally put me on the stove and leaned in...his pants hit the gas. He almost lit me on fire. - The way my suite is set up, one of my roommates has a much bigger room than I do (big enough that he can fit a double bed into it). My roommate decided to spend this last reading period at home, so I took the opportunity to make some liebensraum for myself by jimmying open his door with a clothes-hanger and moving into the room during his absence. I was very neat and left no signs of my presence except for one unfortunate incident involving my then-girlfriend, who was equally excited about the prospect of a bigger room and essentially moved in with me. We were having daily and nightly sex and the bigger bed was making it so much more fun than it had been on my prison-style single mattress. Inevitably, her time of the month came around. With exams nearly upon us and my roommate due to return soon, neither of us was willing to sacrifice a night of love, and, since the flow of menstrual blood was quite minimal, we decided to give sex a try. Things were going great and she climbed up on top. I closed my eyes and soon was lost in the delightful netherworld of coitus. However, my reverie was soon broken when a concerned “Uh oh” slipped from her lips, replacing the more pleasant sounding moans which she had previously issued. I looked down at myself and saw my red-smeared penis emerging from a pool of blood on my groin. For one horrifying moment, I thought the blood was coming from me. If my roommate is reading this, my advice to him is: “Dude, don’t look at the mattress on the right.” - I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I’d been up late studying biology the night before. As I was climaxing, I yelled out “Ah Yes! Fuck me harder Dawkins!” - A boy begged to come to my room. He asked what he would do if he came over, and I said we would just talk. He came over. We started out talking but of course we started to make out. He keeps pressuring me to get a little hand action going on, but because he was such a douchebag I refused. He says “It’s not like I’m asking for head here. Just a little hand job.” I still refused. Then he told me that I OWED HIM BECAUSE HE WALKED HERE FROM THE QUAD. That was the end of that.

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indy arts

Critiquing

Cosmopolitan

Instead of reading Cosmo, how about you just talk to the guy? By SUSAN ZHU

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OSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE IS SUPPOSED

to help girls get guys, help girls keep guys, help girls make guys happy in bed. Or at least help girls stare at pictures of guys without shirts on. But what is it really doing? Pumping up girls’ confidence with a lot of bull. I suppose there’s nothing wrong with pumping confidence, but girls should really look to themselves and their partners for the confidence, not some quiz that tells them what kind of sexy they are or whether or not this relationship is a keeper. It also takes advantage of girls’ natural tendency to over-analyze every little detail and turns it into monetary profit. I mean, don’t you want to know what kind of guy you have based on how long he kisses you when he says good bye? My boyfriend got it right when, after looking through some of Cosmo’s “Body Language Decoder” with me for this article, he asserted that Cosmopolitan would be out of business if it offered one piece of advice: talk to your guy. Stop assuming things or trying to learn about him through a magazine – each guy is different, and the descriptions in Cosmo are much too vague to be of any use anyway. Cosmo’s advice or “insights” are much like horoscopes —just vague enough that you think “No way! That’s exactly what happens to me!” and get your wheels turning, but not specific enough to actually be helpful or correct. Let’s look at some examples. Body Language Decoder, Decoded Dating – According to Cosmo, if a guy licks his lips while looking at you, it means you’ve “wet [sic] his erotic appetite.” Or maybe the poor guy has chapped lips, or sauce on his lips, or something else, y’know? I feel like if a guy actually licks his lips while staring

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at a girl, it’s borderline strange. I don’t really want to see that – he’s probably trying too hard to be seductive. Seriously Involved – Apparently if your guy gives you big hugs, it means that he’s a “take-charge man” who is “dominating between the sheets” but who will take “your pleasure” as his numberone priority. What girl doesn’t want that? But here’s the thing - if you’re shorter than your guy (and most girls are) then yeah, your guy will give you big hugs, mostly because you’re smaller. But if you’re seriously involved with someone, the general idea is that you’ll give each other big hugs because, heck, you friggin like each other. That doesn’t mean that every guy is a take-charge man who will make your pleasure his number-one priority. And even a take-charge man can feel lazy every once in a while. In Bed Together – “Studs who sleep on their stomachs have passion and energy. He’s a hands-on guy who tends to be punctual and successful. One caveat: His propensity to hog the bed space with his sprawling position suggests he might be a tad controlling.” Really? Sleeping on your stomach makes you punctual and successful? Maybe all guys should now sleep on their stomachs. But note the vague language – a “tad bit controlling” — what guy or girl isn’t just a tad bit controlling with their partner? Slight hints of controlling show that we care. In Bed Together – Now Cosmo claims that guys who like side-by-side sex are the “sensitive and sweet type” and need “reassurance of a woman’s feelings for them,” merely because “the stance provides a lot of intimacy.” Uh, yeah, it also provides a lot of kissing and general bodily contact. What girl doesn’t want their guy to be the sensitive and sweet type, though? Now girls who are dating guys who like side-by-side sex feel validated that their guy is sensitive and sweet. Please.

In Bed Together — “He’s a spooner […] he also may be a bit possessive. On the other hand […] he’s a little needy and wants to be taken care of by you.” What? Who knew that what position your guy prefers said so much about him? “Sex Tips from Guys” Cosmo compiles a list of things that some guys (first names and ages listed) like, from “licking that soft patch behind my ear” to “brush your teeth with minty toothpaste before going down on me.” Good for those guys. If you are those guys’ girlfriend, read it and attempt to do what it says. But let’s face it — different guys like different things, just like different girls like different things. While Cosmo could give you some ideas, the most important thing is to actually communicate (i.e. talk) to your guy and just plain ask him what he likes, or try the ideas and make sure that he actually likes them and is not freaked out/creeped out by them. Oh yeah, and he should reciprocate. Don’t let a guy get away with not asking you what you like. “10 Dating Truths You Can’t Ignore” “Truth #4: Just as it’s best to wait to drop the L-bomb until your man does, let a guy change his Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’ before you do.” Since when does it matter who drops the “L-bomb” first? It doesn’t actually matter who drops it — just make sure the timing is right, that you’re both comfortable with dropping it, and that you feel that it would be reciprocated. Don’t be awkward about it, but don’t hold out just for the sake of holding out. That’s stupid. We’re supposed to be good at expressing ourselves, remember? And while girls may seem to be

more antsy than guys when it comes to romantic sentiment and making sure that all of their friends know about their newfound relationship status, that doesn’t mean that we should always wait for the guy to initiate the process. Maybe your guy is shy. Maybe he’s even more excited than you are and is afraid to scare you off. Sure, it’s nice when they do initiate, but again, you should both have talked about it — and you should feel comfortable doing so. Cutting Cosmo Some Slack… Cosmo can be fun to read, regardless of how much bull or stereotypical girlanalysis is stuffed in it. And though the quizzes are useless (unless you want to pump up your confidence because they will never say anything constructive), I did appreciate some of the 10 Dating Truths. “Truth #2: If you don’t feel comfortable having a conversation with a guy about sex — especially condoms — you shouldn’t be getting busy with him.” Great advice. You’re not ready for sex if you’re not comfortable talking about safe sex. “Truth #9: A guy who rates you or other girls as a number from 1 to 10 is a loser, even if he gives you a 10. You’re a woman, not county fair livestock.” “Truth #10: A guy who talks about how skilled he is in the sack is like a man who brags about his money. Either way, he ain’t got it. The kind of man you want to be with knows that actions speak louder than words. And thankfully, there are plenty of those types out there!” Truths 9 and 10 can be summarized by remembering the three D’s: Don’t Date Douchebags. Susan Zhu ‘11 (szhu@fas) enjoys talking to her boyfriend.

04.30.09 s The Harvard Independent


arts

indy

Sweet-N-Nasty Erotic treats to please all tastes. By LI JIN

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VERYBODY LOVES DESSERTS, BUT AT

Sweet-N-Nasty Bakery in the Back Bay, erotic confectioneries — including crème-filled chocolate genitals, explicit lollipops, and cakes decorated with phallic icing — return the love, taking “orgasmically delicious” to the next level. According to the store’s Web site, Sweet-N-Nasty has been around since 1976, and is New England’s only bakery stocking erotic cakes and sweets. Located at 90A Massachusetts Avenue just across the river from MIT, the bakery’s uninhibited products appease all manners of appetites. From the outside, the small store almost appears modest, with a neon sign shaped as a woman’s leg being the most risqué object visible from across the street. If it weren’t for the sign above the door advertising “Adult Cakes and

Seductive Chocolates” and causing me to do a double take, I would have surely overlooked the narrow storefront. Inside the bakery, though, the products are anything but unassuming. The sweets here certainly have elements of nasty: a glass case at the front holds cupcakes decorated with threedimensional phalluses, breasts, and sex acts, and the two aisles of the store are crammed with erotic candies as well as non-edible sex toys. Chocolate has long been reputed as an aphrodisiac, and the close link between desire and dessert is evident at SweetN-Nasty, which offers 69 Pops, Action Couples, Chocolate Handcuffs, and other manners of racy confectioneries. According to Sweet-N-Nasty’s online store, the most popular product is the Penis Pop—which, to satisfy all tastes, comes in both dark and white

chocolate. A “bachelorette favorite” priced at just $1.49, the lollipop is anatomically accurate and leaves nothing to the imagination, just like runner-up bestseller, the V Pop. Depending on your degree of hunger — or just personal preference — go for either the Mr. Average Pop or the Mr. Exceptional Pop. Swing the other way? Try the B-Cup Boobies (composed of nearly one pound of chocolate, according to the Web site) or — if you’re feeling ravenous — the Double-D’s. And for those that like their dessert a little less lascivious, Sweet-N-Nasty also stocks “tame chocolates” like Dog Poop, 2” Stilettos, and Mermaid Pops. Though tempted, I wound up leaving the store without purchasing any chocolate genitalia or sampling erotic baked goods. After examining the cupcakes inside the display counter, I thought I would either

choke from laughter or gag from disgust if I attempted to consume one of the disturbingly realistic creations. Judging from online reviews, though, the store’s offerings seem to pleasure the taste buds as much as they amuse other sensory receptors. The “cakes are yummy and affordable,” raved Diane M. on InsiderPages, adding that they were “soooo moist.” A visit to Sweet-N-Nasty will surely make you think about “sinful” desserts in a whole new way. And if you find nothing here that suits your tastes—after all, gnawing on a chocolate phallus in public might cause some problems—there’s always the more conventionally delicious Sweet Cupcakes just a few blocks down the street. Li Jin ‘12 (ljin@fas) would never settle for “Mr. Average.”

Was Shakespeare a Hunk?

A recently unearthed portrait raises the question. By SAM JACK

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S HAKESPEARE I became familiar with in middle school, which I can now identify as the Droeshout Engraving, seemed calculated to predispose myself and my fellow middle-schoolers to be bored by Shakespeare and all of his work. The Shakespeare of the Droeshout Engraving is a man in late middle age with a shining, bald forehead. Whatever fringe of hair is left to him had been styled in some sort of wavy bob that, if it graced the head of a balding male today, would be occasion for ridicule. Shakespeare’s eyes point in slightly different directions, his nose has a monumental quality, his chin is slightly rounded, and he sports a few days growth of facial hair above and below his lip. On top of all that, he’s wearing a garment that probably was considered terribly attractive at the time (actually, not even confident about that), but to modern eyes seems designed to give the impression that his head is being served to us on a platter. And yet, as Adam Gopnik pointed out in his NewYorker.com article “Look Here, Upon This Picture,” evidence indicates that college students in Cambridge (England, not Massachusetts) had pictures of Shakespeare on the walls HE PORTRAIT OF

The Harvard Independent s 04.30.09

of their dorm rooms, in much the way that college students today have posters of The Beatles, James Dean, and Bob Dylan on the walls of their dorms. “It is a rule of life,” Gopnik wryly notes, “that undergraduates don’t put pictures of bald, funny-looking guys up in their dorm.” It’s a fair point, the Three Stooges notwithstanding, and not all pop culture representations of Shakespeare have fallen into the tendency towards either the reverential (The Great Bard!) or the scornful (snobbish old man in wrinkly tights). In Shakespeare in Love, the popular and critically acclaimed 1998 film, the not-unattractive Joseph Fiennes plays Shakespeare as romantic lead, and embarks on a “forbidden romance” with the even-less-unattractive Gwyneth Paltrow. The case for Shakespeare as something other than an average-looking fellow was bolstered last month by the identification of the “Cobbe portrait” as a portrait of Shakespeare. The Cobbe portrait is recognizably of the same person as the Droeshout Engraving and the other attested portraits, but unlike those other portraits, it was produced in Shakespeare’s lifetime—that is, if the science of dendrochronology can be trusted.

This Shakespeare’s eyes point in the same direction; straight toward the viewer. Where the Droeshout Shakespeare looked sallow and wan, this one has a healthy glow in his cheeks. The Cobbe portrait’s Shakespeare has a bit more hair and a bit less fat on his chin. His left eyebrow even arches slightly, in an alluring way. This, it would seem, is the Shakespeare to make the lady’s swoon and to make the college gents long to grab their guitars, pile into VW vans and become rebels! Oops, wrong time period. These revelations about Shakespeare’s looks also make me wonder if I’ve been thinking erroneously about the relative attractiveness of peoples past and present. Prior to the advent of photography, no one got their portraits taken unless they were either rich and prosperous, or nobility. Those that attained wealth and prosperity were probably a bit older and a bit paunchier than the general population. And the nobility was often inbred. I don’t know that all this should really alter the way that we read Shakespeare, except that it makes it even less likely that Shakespeare was being autobiographical when he wrote about Richard III’s hunchback and withered arm. But perhaps if we show

the new portrait to high school students, Shakespeare can actually benefit by our superficial, appearance-based culture. Sam Jack ‘11 (sjack@fas) only wishes that we could have had Shakespeare pose for our cover. Sally Rinehart/INDEPENDENT

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indy arts Poetic Entanglement The Space Between is a lyric meditation on the intersection of physics and myth. By SAM

T

he Indy sat down to talk with Kevin Davies ‘10, executive producer of The Space Between about Dante, Schrodinger’s cat, and the genesis of the onstage trapeze. The remaining shows are Thursday, April 30 at 8 PM, Friday, May 1 at 8 PM, and Saturday, May 2 at 8 PM. Indy: Would you like to just briefly explain what the show’s all about? Kevin: The show is a loose retelling of the life of Richard Feynman through a lot of different concepts and aesthetics. One of our primary ideas was to incorporate real physics into the show — this is Calla [Videt]’s idea — so a lot of the staging is reflective of physical concepts. The characters very often come to understand themselves and their lives through language that is evocative of physics. So there are three primary stories. One is Richard Feynman when he’s making the atom bomb. The other one is Richard Feynman at the end of his life after his wife has died of tuberculosis when he has a student, Eve, and this other student, Adam, who are kind of starting to fall in love, and are going to have a baby. And the third story is a kind of creation story told through dance. That story is kind of spread through the other two. Sometimes it’s tricky, because we’re showing the inter-relations of things rather than just the things themselves. It’s really an experience; there are a lot of things that you couldn’t understand just from reading a script. Indy: Audience members sometimes have to make choices about what they’re going to look at it. Is that something intentional that’s supposed to affect how the show goes over with the audience? Kevin: I would say, always be looking at the whole picture. So much of it is music, and staging that plays off the music and sound-scape. The transitions are quick, but things don’t overlap too much. But yeah, sometimes you have to make a choice, which is kind of cool, because you can come back to the show again and make a different choice and see how it changes and how you understand the show. Indy: Where did the music come from? Music is playing during a pretty sizable portion of the show.

selected most if not all the music and spent hours and hours and hours editing it in Garage Band. We also recorded a lot of the dialogue of the show, cut it up in Garage Band, made cool things happen. She did all of that sound editing. Indy: Where did the idea to set the story of Orpheus and Eurydice alongside concepts like quantum super-position and entanglement come from; how did that connection get made? Kevin: Calla is a Physics and Theatre joint concentrator, and I think — this the story I tell, I’m not sure if it’s true, but it could be true — I think that Calla was a little bit frustrated when she was taking physics — she was taking super-hard physics and I would’ve been frustrated, oh my God. Actually when I was postering for the show I walked by a physics class and I thought, “My God, this shit is real, people actually do this; I thought it was all just a story, but people actually do this.” Anyway, she was a little bit frustrated, so she started to try to understand physics through other things, other than just a strict construction and hit upon certain myths and things that people use that are evocative of physics, and that became the basis to devise the show. And so the Orpheus myth, she thought that resonated a lot with the idea of collapsing the wave function — do you know about that?

Indy: Yeah, like with Schrodinger’s cat, and the cat can be both alive and dead until you observe it, and then it’s one or the other. Kevin: Yes, you don’t know, and then seeing and knowing makes it go away. That for her was very evocative of the Orpheus and Eurydice myth, because Orpheus seeing Eurydice made Eurydice go away. Indy: It’s sort of Dante-esque at the end where Eurydice has tuberculosis and Feynman is trying to find her, and everyone is coughing so that he can’t. Kevin: I love that part, because they’re laughing and coughing, laughing and coughing. The contrast really gets you. Calla is good with sound and pictures. Like, they’re all on the floor, there’s uplighting, it’s creepy. I like it. Indy: Where did the trapeze idea come from? Kevin: A lot of people involved in The Space Between were also involved in Mnemonic, which was a show in the fall. That was another devised show, it was a similar kind of show. That one was about memory. We had the same assistant director, set director, some designers; I was set designer. We wanted to do a trapeze there but we couldn’t, so we were like, “Let’s keep in touch with this girl” who does trapeze, and then

we wondered if we could do a trapeze on the Mainstage, and the answer was, “Yes.” So it was a dream that happened in another show that got carried over to this one. Indy: What kind of connections would you draw between the two pairs of Adams and Eves, the one that’s legendary, and the other that’s like a modern couple? Kevin: Adam and Eve was interesting; there’s one very rapid sequence of scenes which is the crux of how I see Adam and Eve 1, who I love — but I love all of them equally — well not quite equally — fuck — don’t put that in there — no, put it in there, it’s funny. So they’re like about the search for knowledge and about wanting to know, and the search for knowledge ends everything. But the other Adam and Eve, they’re very different characters. In a way it’s all about youth. The second Eve ends up getting where she wants to be, in terms of being a physicist and having a baby, and the first Eve does too, in a different. I think the contrasts between the two stories are what you’re supposed to think about, bring away. Indy: Is there anything else you’d like to tell us about the show? Keep in mind, this is the Sex Issue. Kevin: Oh, we have a naked lady. She’s pretty hot. I’m pretty gay, but damn yo.

The Loeb Drama Center 60 Brattle Street Mid-Cambridge, MA 02138 Show Times: Friday, April 24th, 8:00 PM Saturday, April 25th, 8:00 PM Sunday, April 26th, 8:00 PM Wednesday, April 29th, 8:00 PM Thursday, April 30th, 8:00 PM Friday, May 1st, 8:00 PM Saturday, May 2nd, 8:00 PM

Kevin: That was all Calla. Calla

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04.30.09 s The Harvard Independent


sports

indy

Bringing the Heat When it comes to hotness, athletes are a slam dunk.

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S MUCH AS OUR SEX-CRAZED SOCIETY

would like us to believe it, the most beautiful people in this world are not models, actors, or singers by any stretch of the imagination. With that amount of makeup, hair products, and designer clothing, anyone can look radiant — even Oprah. The true test of beauty is looking sexy even when your body is covered in sweat, dirt, and blood, and nobody passes the test as gracefully as athletes. So with the pride of a sex-ed teacher explaining the intricacies of wet dreams and orgasms, I am happy to present the five sexiest female athletes (and not as happy to present the five sexiest male athletes) that you’ve never heard of. After reading this list, I fully expect you to Google and forever worship these gorgeous athletes. Females 5. Ashley Force – This babe participates in drag racing and drives a thing known as the “funny car.” In all honesty though, there’s nothing funny about a car going at speeds of over 300 mile per hour, nor is there anything funny about Ashley’s looks. Not only was she a cheerleader in high school, but she also won AOL’s 2007 Hottest Athlete Poll by beating out Tom Brady (are pigs flying yet?) and Danica Patrick. Not funny at all. Just plain hot. 4. Biba Golic – Who said table tennis players can’t be hot? Biba Golic is like the

Maria Sharapova of ping pong, as she is both attractive and talented. She started playing when she was only nine, and soon became the US National Collegiate Champion in 2003. Moreover, her acting career is flourishing with appearances in the movies Balls of Fury and Ping Pong Playa. Just imagine if Biba were a master at handling all types of balls…she would definitely be No. 1 on this list. 3. Stacy Keibler – WWE and WWF have their promotional strategies all wrong: instead of showing manly men with humongous guns in their commercials, they should be teasing viewers with photographs of this ex-wrestler (even if it is false advertising). Frankly, I still can’t believe this gorgeous creature actually wrestled, but hell, I’d do anything to get pinned down by her. Why? She’s smart (3.7 GPA in college), tall and skinny (5’11” and 130), and can sing and act. Most importantly, her trademark entrance consists of putting her sultry 42-inch legs through the second tier of ropes and pausing just long enough for audience members to catch a glimpse of her panties. Oh, and her stage name was Miss Hancock. Just think about it. Historically and immaturely. 2. Missy Gibson – All you need to know about Missy is that she surfs (that’s a sport, right?), loves water, and spends most of her time by the beach. That’s pretty much all I could find on her, though if that whole “a picture is worth a thousand

words” adage is true, then these photos are worth all the possible synonyms of “sexy.” 1. Daniela Hantuchova – Just as Kobe Bryant and Vince Carter are now hotties of “yester-year,” so are Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova. The hotty of the tennis courts that no one has heard of has to be Ms. Hantuchova. I could talk about her career achievements (which are actually pretty impressive), but I know that’s not why you’re here. You’ll find plenty of goodies on Google Images, as well the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. What are you waiting for? Males 5. Jeremy Bloom – A double threat, Bloom is both a freestyle skier and American football player. I don’t really know how to talk about guys and their attractive features, but from what I can tell, this 23-year old heartthrob has that kind of tussled hair that seems to always look natural and sexy and is downright irresistible. As for his body, just check out his Under Armour ads. 4. Cole Hamels – Ok, so I cheated. I included the 2008 World Series MVP. I justified it by convincing myself that I just had to introduce Cole to all the girls at Harvard who don’t watch baseball. Not only does he have a wicked curveball, but Cole’s got that brooding, and yet clean boyish look about him. I don’t know how

By HAO MENG

that’s possible, but my girl friends tell me he most certainly does. Now, if he could only get rid of that pre-puberty voice… 3. Lewis Hamilton – If you watch Formula One, you definitely know him as a phenomenal driver, but if you don’t, you probably just know him as a guy who dated a Pussycat Doll. Either way, he’s dark, handsome, and has those piercing eyes that make girls shiver with delight. On top of that, he’s got a British accent, so his sexiness definitely doesn’t go away when you close your eyes. 2. Jesse Palmer – Lost in the endless parade of meaningless bachelors on that silly TV show is Jesse Palmer. A 4th round pick in the 2001 NFL draft, Palmer played quarterback for 4 years in the league — mainly as a backup. His rise to fame finally came in 2004 when he was selected as “The Bachelor” and got to pick a really hot girl to be his wife on TV. Stay calm though, ladies, for Palmer is still single. Just do make sure he remembers your name if you guys end up dating, as he once forgot a girl’s name on that silly TV show. 1. William Zillman – Hotness = Australian rugby player. Trust me, just Google his name and you’ll see what all the girls are clamoring about. The first couple of image results will definitely blow you away. Thank God for Google Images. Hao Meng ’11 (haomeng@fas) wants Missy Gibson to be Missy Meng.

From left to right: Stacy Keibler, Daniela Hantuchova, Cole Hamels, and Lewis Hamilton. The Harvard Independent s 04.30.09

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CANDICE SMITH/Independent

Captured and Shot


The Sex Issue (04.30.09)