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Consumer Sheep Weekly (Tortured Metaphor Edition)

Forget about quality, let us buy your stuff!

Yeah! We’re mindless anyhow!

So, who’s our primary Republican candidate for Governor? (Pg. 1)

You found it first! (Pg. 2)

Are you a glutton? Probably, you’re in America! (Pg. 3)

I feel like killing myself. Help wanted. (Pg. 4)

GPS for Virginia State Governor!

“Hey, ladies ‘n’ gents. My name’s Generic Political Stereotype, but you can call me GPS for short. You know why? Because, like a GPS, I can find the right way for both you and Virginia. Y’see, I’m a regular joe, just like you; I hunt, drink Miller, don’t tolerate or respect anyting that ain’t a white male like m’self, and occasionally enact domestic violence ’pon m’wife because that’s what a man does. So I understand what it’s like, with all them foreigners takin’ our jerbs and I want you to know I’m here for both you and this great state… all you have to do is elect me. And don’t worry, I’m so right-wing that I’ll keep the metaphorical Bald Eagle that is our state government flying so conservatively that it’ll be going clockwise for years!” — General Political Stereotype, 2013 (*Results of successful legislature may vary.)

The Hipster Kit! Because you’re too tool for cool.

If you don’t already know about this new trend, you’re obviously too mainstream and desperately need it to avoid being socially rejected.

In a vain society where individualism and originality is key, why not do what everyone else is doing and seek that out? It’ll get you in with all the not-cool-but-actually-cool kids so you can listen to obscure music you secretly hate while swapping ironic T-shirt designs and drinking that latte you got from the trendy new café and poetry slam/jazz house.

The Hipster Kit includes a wool beanie to wear in the summertime as well as a pair of thick-rimmed glasses to show you’re not afraid to be alternative. (upper left) Also, you get a set of six vinyl’s from Swedish bands (left) you’ve never heard of. With this, you’ll never need to try to blend in again — you stand out, just like everyone else!

The Schmenny Schmeg Weight Loss Plan We here at Schmenny Schmeg understand that in your daily life, it’s hard to make the right decisions on what and what not to eat. But with us as the angel on your wing, you won’t need to fret about checking yourself on the scale ever again! Them’s some really nasty-lookin’ footsies.

Our 143-step plan will have you burning fat faster than your grabby uncle in a sauna, and that’s no joke! (Seriously, though, you may need some counseling.) The memories… the horrid, horrid memories…

“This is the single greatest thing of all time,” says Amy Winehouse, shortly after we totally didn’t give her money for crack-cocaine. (R.I.P.) Wasn’t she just a figure of health?

Is this too soon? In poor taste? Probably.

Help Wanted: Suicide Hotline You know that one song by The Fray? Y’know, the only one anybody ever remembered them for? Yeah, you can save lives just like him. (This doesn’t guarantee a hit album, however.)

If you aren’t interested in talking an insecure, lonely teenager away from their parents’ medicine cabinet, then be aware that thousands of other people are going through terrible depressions each day. You should too! We can always use more business. Contact Us: 1-800-289-5433 (1-800-BUY-LIFE)

Target Audience: Primarily teenagers, though the political campaign ad seems a bit out of place among it. The other three ads present active parts of teen culture in the best satire my twisted little mind could make up, while the pot-shot at political extremists was just me, being petty. I regret nothing. Purpose: While it’s meant to convey the project’s intent, i.e.: propaganda in the form of a magazine ad. But it’s turned into more of a modern societal satire, which is probably an improvement.

Propaganda Used: (In order of appearance,) Plain Folk Appeal, Fear, Testimonial, and Bandwagon.

Sources: (in order of appearance)

Consumer Sheep Weekly by Jordan Neave  
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