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the Pr incess who eats monster s Guido Vieira Katherine Ouimet (drawings)

Half-Baked Books, Montreal, Canada


Copyleft Š Half Baked Books 2011 Copyleft credit: please remember forever and always that this book was written under duress by Guido Vieira and illustrated by Katherine Ouimet, the entire thing in less than a week. And it is with great love that we offer it to you, and please propagate it around like the virus of the decade You know the drill. Same as always. Legal deposit in libraries and archives, in Quebec and Canada, have a look around, you will find it, once we get around to getting an ISBN number.

Half-Baked Books can be contacted via halfbaked@permanentpress.ca.

No editors were injured in the making of this book. Spellling mistakes, dilberate and otherwise, are entirely the responsibility of the author. b This is a work of fiction. Copyleft jointly held by Guido, Koko and Half-Baked Books, Montreal., including anyone else in the world who may wish to take and play with these words and pictures.


For all princesses and crocodiles the world over.

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CHAPTER ONE Once upon a time there was a Princess. Her name was Allegra. Princess Allegra. And one of her favourite things to do was eat monsters. She had monsters for breakfast. She had them for dinner. In fact she had them as ordeurves at 5a7s at Whisky Cafe after her job at Ubisoft as a video game designer. Because of course if it weren’t for Ubisoft, Whisky Cafe would have gone out of business years ago. Quite possibly the reverse is true as well. In addition to being outstandingly gorgeous and having great fashion, she had tonnes of boyfriends and never had anything to complain about (except her hydro bill, which really everyone can complain about). On this particular day she was meeting a blind date from the dating web site OKCupid. All of her meetings {7}


The Princess Who Ate Monsters

from OKCupid so far she had recently filed under comedy. Today it was Jimmy. He was a Crocodile (or Allegator, it wasn’t quite clear to her from his profile). “Heeey!!!” said a really tall Crocodile (or Allegator) that came in through the front doors of Whisky Cafe. Chantal, the Chief Captinette of Tables, who was working that night, took

{8}


Chapter Two

a menu and went up to the Crocodile (or Allegator). “NOO-e-OOO-e-oo-EE-o-EE,” Jimmy said in a kind of sing songy voice, looking at the menu as Chantal walked up to him. “I’m not here alone! I’m here to meet Princess Allegra! My name is Jimmy! Jimmy the Crocodile! Ha!” There was a brief pause. “Ah...” said C h a n t a l , doubtfully.

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The Princess Who Ate Monsters

“No, really!” “I didn’t quite know that she was into Allegators” Chantal said. “No, I’m a Crocodile!” Jimmy said. “Are you sure?” “No -- Yes -- Why??” “Well, I’ll go see if the Princess is available,” Chantal said,”wait here” Chantel left to see if Princess Allegra was available. “BEEE BEEE GUUUUNE!!!!” yelled a group of rowdy Ubisoft people from the corner of the Cafe. Mostly just Olivier, actually, the General Manager of Ubisoft Canada and Latin America. { 10 }


Chapter Two

CHAPTER TWO Chantal lead the Croc to the Princess’s table, where she was finishing off another monster. Another monster vodka orange that is. “Another double Vodka Orange with extra spicey thingy—” Princess Allegra told Chantal, and then ”Oh My God! You must be Jimmy!” “Yeah, baby!!” said Jimmy with a wide smile that exposed his rows of long teeth. “Thats me!” Princess Allegra got up and did the whole kiss, kiss thing. She thought the scaly skin was ok, but really this guy didn’t have the best breath in the world. He was tall though, that was something. She could always make an Alligator skin hand bag out of him later if things didn’t work out. Jimmy sat down. “Ooooo,” Princess Allegra said,”you’ve got a { 11 }


The Princess Who Ate Monsters

bright pink nose! Thats so cute!” “Thank you,” said Jimmy the Crocodile. “Do you want anything to drink,” Chantal asked, who’d been standing there. “Oh, yeah I’ll have a…” …and there was a long pause as everyone wanted to find out what a crocodile might order at a bar… “…Stella Artois.” “Oh.” Chantal said. “Yeah.” “OK”

{ 12 }


CHAPTER THREE

“So tell me about yourself,” said Princess Allegra as she texted one of her friends on her iPhone. “Uh,” said Jimmy, expecting she would be paying a bit more attention to him. “Oh, sorry. I was just texting my friend Lamine. He’s going to show up soon. He’s big. And Black. And owns A Tree House. So if you try anything funny like trying to eat me, you’d better think twice.” “I’m supposed to be scared of a man that owns a tree house?” “Uh, no A Tree House is only the biggest, most fanciest club in Montreal with lots and lots of DANCING! Duh, HELLO?! Where have you BEEN?” said Princess Allegra. “Riiight, well I’m just a little Allegator, so you’re going to have to give me a bit of a break { 13 }


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here.” “Allegator??” “Right! Sorry. CroK - O - DIAL!” Chantal at that exact moment, arrived with a double Vodka Orange with extra Spicey Stuff and a Stella.

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CHAPTER FOUR

It was at the exact moment after Chantal’s exact moment that Lamine came dashing in through the doors of Whisky Cafe. “Time for Thinking and Planning!!” yelled Lamine as he came up to the Princess’s table. “Whats up?” “Trandolians!” “What here?” yelled Princess Allegra “Yeah, they’re heavily armed and in a bad mood!” he said, then looking at Jimmy,” Who’s this guy?” “Uh I’m Jimmy - The Crocodile!” “You don’t look like no Crocodile to me,” said Lamine suspiciously,”you’re an Alligator!” It was at that exact moment (exact moment number 3) that the windows of Whisky Cafe shattered and a massive flurry of laser beams from PU-72 Pulse Rifles busted into the { 15 }


The Princess Who Ate Monsters

place. Trandolians were the most vile and evil monsters. They looked like giant green storm clouds on two legs with helmets and worked for Queen Something, Something -- the princess’s evil half ex former step mother. The were being led by Allega’s three evil previous uneven half brothers, Sarko, Garko, and Ooops Woopdy Doo! “Oh No!! Its Sarko, Garko and Ooops Woopdy Doo! My evil previous uneven half brothers! They found us! Time for Running and Running!” yelled Allegra and jumped out of her seat. “Uh, what the !!?” said Jimmy eyes wide and freaked out of his mind.

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CHAPTER FIVE

“Come on!” yelled Allegra and she grabbed a very startled Jimmy by the tail and dragged him behind her along the linolium tiled floor of Whisky Cafe. He flailed his little allegator arms as best he could but could grab onto nothing. “Heeeyyy!!! Heeeyyy!!!!” he yelled. The staff of Whiksy Cafe had pullled out their BFG 9000 laser blasters, which they kept behind the bar just in case of alien invasion, and were exchanging laser fire with the Trandolians. “Run Princess Allegra! We’ll put it on your tab!” said Captinette Chantal as she blasted Trandol after Trandol.

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The Princess Who Ate Monsters

Suddenly a chandaleir was hit by a laser blast, and with a massive crash, fell right onto Jimmy’s head. “Oooww!!!” Jimmy cried from underneath the chandaleer which was now being dragged along with the poor, unfortunate Crocodile. Not to be left behind Lamine raced right behind Allegra, as she dodged laser beams and showers of shattered glass.

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CHAPTER SIXa

“No, no, no!” she said as she got outside and around the corner in the back alley. “What in the name of upsidedown tree frogs are they doing here?” she demanded. “I don’t know,” said Lamine, but I just picked up their Attack Ships on my Space Radar twenty minutes ago and came right here. I think maybe they’re after you. “Uh, I think you missed some qoutes there, but anyways. We were supposed to be hidden! This was supposed to be the one place that Queen Something, Something couldn’t find us -- in the whole Galaxy!” “Whisky Cafe??!” asked Lamine. { 19 }


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“No, Planet Earth! Duh!! HELLO!!?” said Princess Allegra being all Cool. With a capital “C”. Jimmy was flipped on his back now, with Allegra grabbing firmly onto his tail. He wiggled back and forth a bit. “Uh..gmmf....” he said partially muffled by the nice chandalier on his head. “So what should we do?” Lamine asked. “Obviously,” said Princess Allegra with a glee in her eye,”we should go dancing! At your dance club -- A Tree House.” “Uh?? Wha??” said Jimmy. “We can totally DANCE our way out of this,” Princess Allegra said. { 20 }


CHAPTER SIXb “Quick!” yelled Allegra,” The Trandolians are coming!” The Trandolians were in hot pursuit, laser beams came wizzing past them in all sorts of colours like pink and blue and Polk a Dot. “Here we can escape on the Milayniuym Flazicon!” yelled Lamine. “The WHAT??” yelled Allegra. “The Milayniuym Flazicon, my Atomic Moped!” yelled Lamine. Momements later they were seated on the Milayniuym Flazicon, which looked suspiciously similar to a Honda Ruckus. Except { 21 }


The Princess Who Ate Monsters

Jimmy who was still being held by his tail and was laid out behind them on the sidewalk. “mhfmt! MUUFH!!” he yelled. “Atomic Turbines To Speed!” yelled Lamine as he flipped some switches. “Check!” yelled Allegra. “Ignition!” yelled Lamine “Check!” yelled Allegra. “Blast off!” yelled Lamine. “Whaa—AAAAAAA?!!?” yelled Jimmy as the Atomic Moped took off and rocketed into the sky at full atomic zap zap speed. Jimmy flapped behind the moped like a flag in the wind, Allegra still holding onto his tail. The { 22 }


CHAPTER SIXb

chandaleir followed along with him briefly, and then finally slid off of Jimmy’s head and crashed fifty feet down onto the concrete sidewalk below. Killing a small silverfish.

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CHAPTER SEVEN Looking behind them they could see three Trandolian Attack Ships parked near Whisky Cafe. Two of them were powering up their rocket engines to pursue our three heros on their Atomic Moped.

“They’re definitely coming for you!” yelled Lamine as he careened the Atomic Moped through the sky, with Allegra in the back, and finally Jimmy dragging behind by his tail. “I can’t hear you! What? You think they’re going to glue us?” Allegra yelled back over the noise of the wind whipping past them. “No, I didn’t say that they’re lookie loo toos, I said they’re definately looking for YOU!” { 25 }


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“I don’t have any super glue! Is something wrong? Why are you so obsessed with GLUE?” “What, I told you already I never met that dude!” “What? Chickens with symphony batons?” ....as they shot off into the sky.

{ 26 }


CHAPTER EIGHT They landed on the roof of A Tree House, the fun-est most dancy-est club in the city, and hit the dance floor right away. The Montreal Dance Project was spinning and its two DJs, oblivionboy and VBM, were tearing up the dance floor with their electric grooves and dance-dance swirley beats. “We can totally dance our way out of this,” Princess Allegra said fantically, finally letting go of Jimmy’s tail. He fell to the floor with a thunk. “uurrrrr....” he said. “How?” said Lamine in dispair,”how on Earth could we dance our way out of this? The Trandolians are right behind us and will be here soon. In fact I think I hear them on the { 27 }


The Princess Who Ate Monsters

roof! We need...we need...I don’t know what we need...” Garko, Zarko and Ooops, Wooopdyy Doo! Burst through the door. They had fifty scary Trandolian monsters with them! “We’re here to take you back to Queen Something, Something!” said Garko, the leader of the three brothers. “Yes, Yes!” said Zarko and Ooops, Whoopdy Doo! “You’ll never take me! I’ll dance m y way out of this!” said Princess Allegra.

{ 28 }


Tale The Ninth

The Dubrovnik Affair

“No, you wont!” said Garko,”I’ll send all my Trandolian monsters after you!” And with that he commanded all fifty of the scary Trandolians to get the Princess and Lamine and Jimmy. “Trandolians,” he yelled,”GOBBLE THEM UP!” And all the scary Trandolians ran forward and opened their mouths wide to gobble, gobble. “OK!” said the Princess,” That’s it. I’m tired of all this Trandolian stuff, and I just want to dance. So I will GOBBLE ALL OF YOU UP!” { 29 }


The Princess Who Ate Monsters

And with that she opened her mouth wide and using her princess special powers, gobbled up all the Trandolian Monsters one by one faster than you can say “I have a lizard in my pants! Bling! Bling!” All that was left was her three evil half brothers Garko, Zarko and Ooops, Wooopdyy Doo! “Okay,” said the Princess after finishing off the last Trandolian,” You’d better leave NOW, before I eat you too!” “Uh,” said Garko,”OK. We don’t want to be gobbled! We’ll leave! But we’ll be back! And you’d better be careful!” And with that Garko, Zarko and Ooops, Wooopdyy Doo! left, never to be seen again, until our next episode.

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CHAPTER NINE And with that Jimmy donned a top hat, and spun around and around and around and when he stopped finally, he was wearing outrageous paisley pants, and began to sing. I’m Jimmy Oh the Friendly Crocodile! I’ll be here for a while. I say with much beguile. OOO ooo ooOO Jimmy The Crocodile! Doo doo doo doo. For a while in style!! Doo doo do odoo. Jimmy! Jimmy!! The Crocodile!! Beww bew bew!!! And they all danced all night long and had the most fun ever.

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CHAPTER TEN “So you finally you got to eat some monsters,” Lamine said later at the bar. “Oh flying space goldfish,” said Allegra finishing the day’s fifteenth double vodka orange with Spicey Thingy, ”I think I’m going to be sick.” “OK. Lets go home. Back to my place,” said Jimmy the Crocodile. “OK,” said Princess Allegra.

THE END

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The Princess Who Eats Monsters