SCENE 4 - INT. HOSPITAL RECOVERY ROOM - 1 HOUR LATER COLIN is sat up in a hospital bed drinking tea. The room is small with a chair and sink. Doctor WOOLF walks briskly in. DOCTOR WOOLF Well Mr Coombs. As you know, it’s good news. We had a thorough look around your bowel and found nothing abnormal. I’m going to suggest another visit to the dietician, but other than that I think we can be very happy with the prognosis. How do you feel? Colonoscopy can be such an uncomfortable experience. COLIN Relieved. Very relieved. After what happened to my first wife .....I was worried. It’s a real weight off my mind. I feel as though I’ve been given... COLIN remembers the deal made with BRIAN, GEOFF and TOBY. COLIN (CONT’D) ...can I ask you something? If you were given another chance...if you lived your life again, would you do anything differently? DOCTOR WOOLF Not really thought about it. Anesthesiology perhaps. Ophthalmology maybe. COLIN No. That’s not what I meant. Can I give you some options to choose from? There’s just three. DOCTOR WOOLF nods COLIN (CONT’D) Would you ride a Harley Davidson along Route 66... What type? What type?
DOCTOR WOOLF COLIN
DOCTOR WOOLF What type of Harley?
COLIN Um.....a tri-glide? DOCTOR WOOLF The three-wheeler? On the Mother Road? You must be joking. You’d look a pillock. COLIN Well you choose. It’s not important. The second option is.. DOCTOR WOOLF ...You’d need a tourer. (He adopts a corny American accent) Ultra Classic Electro-Glide in two-tone red hot sunglow and smokey gold. COLIN leans back in bed and revs an imaginary throttle. COLIN Brrrm, brrm. DOCTOR WOOLF The throttle’s on the right hand side. You’ve not much experience with motor bikes have you? COLIN Not really, no. But anyway, the second option - learn to surf. DOCTOR WOOLF Nice. Cloudbreak, Fiji. You can only surf it if you stay on the Tavarua island surf camp. It’s a hollow left-hand reef wave. Only about 8 feet high but fantastic. COLIN You’re obviously a surfer. DOCTOR WOOLF God no! I’m hydrophobic. Afraid of water. Hydrophobia’s also rabies, but I’m not afraid of that, I’m a doctor. Is there a third option? COLIN (He is a bit puzzled but carries on nonetheless) Yes. Learn guitar and play in a rock and roll band.
DOCTOR WOOLF (Sings and mimes guitar) Ah!..Like a true nature's child We were born, born to be wild Born to be wild, Born to be wild DOCTOR WO0LF nods in a self congratulatory way. Colin just stares at him, worried that his doctor is a bit odd. DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT’D) This is some sort of vow you’ve made, isn’t it? And you want me to choose for you. COLIN You are a perceptive man doctor. DOCTOR WOOLF Man Doctor? COLIN I mean you have understood the situation. DOCTOR WOOLF thinks long and hard. DOCTOR WOOLF With this sort of dilemma I turn to ...the Doctor’s Dice. COLIN looks bemused. DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT’D) I had them made specially. I think there might be a market for them among health professionals. He reaches into his pocket, rummages and brings out a die. DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT’D) Strictly speaking it should be called a “Doctor’s Die”, but from a marketing point of view I think “Doctor’s Die” would be a little... He struggles to find the right word. COLIN Problematic? DOCTOR WOOLF pauses, thinks and nods. DOCTOR WOOLF Yes...problematic. Anyway, there are five answers and a blank, which gives you another roll. (MORE)
4. DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT'D) The idea is, if you have a difficult decision, you roll the die and it gives you your answer.
COLIN Wouldn’t it look a bit, erm, unprofessional? DOCTOR WOOLF You wouldn’t do it in front of the patients. You’d turn your back so that they couldn’t see what you are doing. Like this. He turns his back on COLIN and makes a pathetic attempt to hide the fact that he is using a die to make a decision. DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT’D) Well, Mr Smith, we’ve decided to send you for a biopsy. He proudly holds the die out to show the word ‘Biopsy’. DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT’D) See? Another satisfied patient. Don’t get me wrong, you wouldn’t use it all the time, just when it’s a marginal decision. DOCTOR WOOLF looks at COLIN’S bemused reaction. DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT’D) I'm joking. I wouldn’t really use this to diagnose patients. It’s more for people who bore you at parties...it really puts the wind up them....or for occasions like this. Let’s use ‘antibiotics’ for the Harley, ‘Barium enema’ for the surfing, and ‘colonoscopy’ for learning the guitar. Ready? COLIN nods his head. DOCTOR WOOLF rolls the die on the table over the bed and cups his hands over it. He slowly opens them so that only he can see what is on the top of the die. He looks up at COLIN with a puzzled expression.
DOCTOR WOOLF You know it wasn't you who farted in theatre? COLIN looks baffled. He only has a vague recollection of the incident which happened when he was drugged.
DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT’D) It was Nurse Carter. Should get herself looked at really. It’s either a psychosomatic thing or an attempt at nurse humour. As soon as you tell the patient it’s okay to let one go...Parp! Off she blows. Curious. Anyway. It’s blank, so I get another roll. DR WOOLF rolls the dice again and slowly opens his hands. DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT’D) The die is cast Mr Coombs! He pauses to give the moment dramatic effect. DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT’D) Antibiotics, Colin. Saddle up, and get your kicks on Route 66. Hire your Harley out there. There’s a place at Marina Del Rey, down by the harbour, where you can hire them for about $150 a day. Tell them Adrian sent you. COLIN You’ve done it then? DOCTOR WOOLF Good Lord no. I’ve no interest in motorbikes. Goodbye now. DOCTOR WOOLF shakes hands with COLIN. DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT’D) (sings) Get your motor runnin' Head out on the highway Lookin' for adventure And whatever comes our way He pauses and adopts a serious expression. DOCTOR WOOLF (CONT’D) Born to be Wild. Words and music by Mars Bonfire FADE TO BLACK. EXT. HIGH STREET OF A SMALL TOWN. DAYTIME. THE NEXT DAY The song ‘Born to be Wild’ is plays in the background. The camera slowly follows a man riding a Harley Davidson down the street. The rider is in black with mirror visor. The camera cuts away to see COLIN looking longingly at guitars before walking into a music shop called ‘Any Major Dude’.
SCENE 7 INT. BEDROOM. JOSH AND ANNA’S HOUSE - AFTERNOON ANNA and JOSH, in the bedroom with his hands of large boxes
an attractive couple in their mid 30s, are of their new house. JOSH is lying on the bed behind his head. ANNA is taking things out and hanging them up in the wardrobes.
JOSH How are you feeling? Okay. Busy?
ANNA Busy? No. I’m surrounded by boxes. Downstairs is a bomb site. There’s furniture in the garden and two hundred quid’s worth of meat defrosting in the kitchen. Alfie has nowhere to sleep. But busy? No, not really. JOSH You don’t fancy a quickie then? ANNA What a good idea! When you put it like that, I can hardly resist. Let’s leave all this stuff and have sex. Alfie can look after himself. I’ve got a basque at the bottom of a box somewhere. I’ll dig it out. Let’s entertain the new neighbours with thirty minutes of noisy lovemaking. JOSH Is that a yes or a no? INT. KITCHEN. TOBY’S HOUSE. MOMENTS LATER TOBY is eating tea. JULIE is ironing. TOBY I can’t drum. I can’t do it. It looks easy, but it isn’t. You know, like patting your head and rubbing your tummy. JULIE You’re good at rubbing your tummy. Take some lessons.
TOBY And then you’ve got to do stuff with your feet. I don’t have the coordination. JULIE Well don’t do it then! Tell Colin that you don’t want to do it. TOBY I’ll feel as though I’m letting him down. He’s relying on me. JULIE Can’t Jake do it? Or someone else. The new man next door has drums. I’ve seen them. TOBY Brilliant. I live next door to a drummer. They’re probably his kid’s. What did they look like? JULIE They were those electronic ones. Black pads and wires. TOBY I meant the people, not the bloody drums. JULIE You should go and introduce yourself. He might help you out. He might even offer to play in the band. INT. BEDROOM. JOSH’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER JOSH and ANNA are lying together on the bed. JOSH bounces up and down. The headboard bangs noisily on the wall. JOSH See, it doesn’t make much noise. Come on. Just a quick one. It will be like carrying you over the threshold. ANNA I’m already over my threshold. People will hear us! It’s the middle of the afternoon. Alfie might walk in. There is the sound of drumming.
JOSH Alfie’s playing the drums. ANNA breathes out with resignation. INT. KITCHEN. TOBY’S HOUSE TOBY So I knock and say “Welcome. We’re your new neighbours. Why don’t you come and play drums in my friend’s pop group?” He’d think I was a nutter. JULIE Or he might think moved in to a new already I’ve been in with the local
“How nice. I’ve area and asked to join music scene”.
TOBY By a nutter. JULIE Do you want me to go? There is the faint sound of drums being played. JULIE (CONT’D) Listen. Can you hear drumming? He’s obviously keen! INT./EXT. JOSH’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER. TOBY stands outside JOSH and ANNA’S house. He listens to the drumming. TOBY mimes along with the rhythm as he walks down the path. ALFIE stops playing the drums. He runs out of the study, past the bottom of the stairs where he casually drops his drumsticks before running down the hall and into the back garden. TOBY takes a peek through the side window as he passes. He then bangs on the front door. INT. BEDROOM. JOSH’S HOUSE JOSH and ANNA are in bed having passionate sex. The headboard is banging noisily against the wall. ANNA’S hand tries to stop the headboard from making such a noise. When this fails, her hand goes under the duvet and grabs JOSH’S underpants. She stuffs them down between the wall and the headboard, to no effect. EXT. OUTSIDE JOSH’S HOUSE TOBY knocks again.
INT. JOSH’S HOUSE - BEDROOM/LANDING/HALLWAY JOSH and ANNA are still in bed having sex ANNA Was that someone at the door? JOSH No. It was Alfie. There is another loud bang at the front door. ANNA Go down and see who it is! JOSH They’ll go away. Ignore them. ANNA Josh! Alfie will go to the door and then rush up here. Go down and see who it is! JOSH quickly pulls on a t-shirt and jogging bottoms and runs downstairs. He treads on the drumsticks left by ALFIE. He picks them up and opens the front door to see TOBY. TOBY looks at JOSH, at the drumsticks, then back at JOSH. JOSH Can I help you? TOBY Well. I’m hoping so. This is a bit embarrassing, so bear with me. I’m your next door neighbour. Yes? Hello!
JOSH smiles weakly. TOBY (CONT’D) I’m a bit uncomfortable mentioning this.... but we couldn’t help hearing you. JOSH stares at Toby. TOBY (CONT’D) It sounded good! Did it?
TOBY Yes. I had a quick peek through the window in case I could see you, but you’d stopped. You’ve got a bit of a sweat on though. Energetic eh? Gets the old heartbeat going. I’ve read that it’s as good as aerobics! JOSH stares at TOBY. TOBY (CONT’D) It was my wife’s idea that I should come round. Was it?
TOBY It was Julie that heard you. I’m not complaining about the noise though. She said that I ought to come round and see whether you might be interested...in..
TOBY You see, I’m not very good. Julie says there are places where you can have lessons, but to be honest I don’t have the coordination. God, you should see me. Look. We’re in a group. A village thing. Friends. One of us is trying to surprise his wife. Would you think about taking my place? From the sound of it, you know what you’re doing. ANNA comes downstairs and peers round the side of JOSH. TOBY (CONT’D) Oh hello there. I’m Toby. I was just asking your husband.... JOSH slams the door in TOBY’s face. INT. TOBY’S KITCHEN. MOMENTS LATER Toby is sat at the kitchen table with Julie. TOBY (To himself) Odd. Bloody odd.