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TUESDAY, MAY 28, 2013
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guyanatimesgy.com
Foundation
“Do it for me!” Parental roles: How to set healthy How to prevent boundaries with your child – Part One learned By Debbie Pincus
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eople talk a lot about the need for “boundaries”, but what does this word really mean? As a parent, you can think of a boundary as the line you draw around yourself to define where you end and where your child begins. This isn’t always easy. And let’s face it, children push the boundaries every day, all the time. They are wired to test us and see how far they can go; it’s in their nature. As parents, we sometimes cross boundaries ourselves in our attempts to fix things for them. Understand that one of our most important jobs as parents is to stay loving and separate from our children. We do this by clearly defining our principles, staying in our role as a parent, and sticking to our bottom lines. How do you know if your child is pushing boundaries? Here are some examples: Your 13-year-old walks into your room without knocking on the door and doesn’t respect your privacy. Your 10-year-old interrupts your conversations with other adults without saying “excuse me” or waiting politely for a chance to get your attention. Your teen tells you how to run your life after your divorce. Your young child tells you what to do and throws tantrums if you don’t do what she says. How does it feel when
boundaries are crossed? Sometimes we get clear indications that it’s happening, while other times, it’s more subtle. You might feel anxious or uncomfortable, angry, tense, embarrassed, resentful, or put upon. Other times, you could react by feeling diminished, as if a rug has been pulled out from under you, or simply put in a position that doesn’t feel
and “get in their box” instead of staying in our own. When this happens, we’ve forgotten where we end and where our child begins. At the root of all this is anxiety. When you become nervous about your child’s success or ability to handle things in life (whether it’s in school, with friends, in sports, or with his or her ability to behave appropri-
right. You might also see your child stepping in to a place he doesn’t belong, by giving you dating advice, for example, or acting as if he’s the one in charge. (We’ll talk more later about how to establish healthy boundaries, and how to step back into your respective roles.)
ately), it might feel as if you’re alleviating stress by jumping in and taking control instead of letting your child work things out for himself. Believe me, I understand that it’s painful to see our children struggle in life; we love them and feel responsible for them, so we naturally want to make things better for our children and “fix things.” But know that when you aren’t able to let your child work through obstacles on her own, you’re denying her an important experience – the experience of how to overcome disap-
Overfunctioning for our children When we get anxious about our children, we often overfunction for them and that’s when boundaries can get blurred. This means that we do too much for them,
pointment, how to deal with an argument with a friend, or how to talk to her teacher about a grade. I’m not saying that we should never help, guide, coach and teach our children; of course we should – that’s a huge part of what it means to be a parent. What I’m saying is that we need to let them try to fight their own battles when possible and appropriate, rather than taking on their battles for them. Letting your child work through things is a way to respect them by observing their boundaries – and your own. How do you know if you might be blurring boundaries as a parent? Here are some signs: Doing for your child what he can (or should) do for himself. Constantly asking questions; interrogating your child over everything. Letting your child invade your boundaries as a couple – making your children the centre focus at all times. Oversharing with your child about your life; treating them like a friend rather than your child. Giving up your parental authority and allowing your child to take control of the household. Living through your child vicariously; feeling as if their achievements are yours, and their failures are yours as well. Your child is upset, and you fall apart. (Excerpt from empoweringparents)
helplessness in young children By Dr Joan Simeo Munson
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achel has just arrived at her child’s daycare after a stressful day of work. Her five-year-old daughter Kyla immediately begins whining, “I can’t find my coat! Can you go get it for me?” Stressed, tired, and trying to avoid a meltdown in front of the other parents and teachers, Rachel rushes from room to room looking for it. When she finally hands Kyla the jacket, her daughter screams, “You carry it for me!” Rachel complies, all the while stuffing Kyla’s things into her backpack for her. “Are we ready to go?” Rachel asks with a sigh, only to hear, “Yes, but you forgot my lunchbox. It’s in the cubby.” With Kyla’s coat under her arm and her backpack over her shoulder, Rachel tucks the lunchbox under her chin, wondering how she became her child’s pack mule. Before you do any task for your child, stop and ask yourself: “Can my child be doing this right now instead of me?” You will most likely find that the answer is a resounding yes! If this scenario sounds familiar, consider asking yourself these questions: Am I doing too much (or over-functioning) for my
young child? Am I unintentionally teaching her how to be helpless?
How it begins
In this non-stop world of work, child-rearing, marriage and relationships, it’s easy for parents to move at breakneck speed without stopping to really think about what it is we are doing – or why we are doing it. So much of our lives now seems to move on auto-pilot: Wake up, get children fed and off to school, go to work, (either at our jobs or within our homes), get the children after school, go to the many activities they are involved in, make dinner, do homework, then prepare for bedtime. The next day we wake up and do it all over again. While this is just the reality for parents, the downside is that we often do not take a moment to reflect on what each member of the family’s role is within this cycle of work, life, and home. As a result, many times parents find themselves in the habit of doing the same things over and over without thinking about what our children can and should do – and this can mean doing too much (over-functioning) while our children do too little.
How do you know if you’re doing too much for your child? The warning signs are there; we just don’t always see them. Below are some points to reflect on in order to see if you’re overworking yourself, while simultaneously (and unwittingly) letting your child off the hook too often. Is your child overly demanding? Oftentimes when a parent is doing too much for their child, they wind up with an overlydemanding, whiny child. Yes, all children are demanding and whiny to a degree, but if you find that your child is constantly asking you for things and you are rushing to do them, you are probably over-functioning for him. Understand that he does this because he knows you will help him find the answer – and he won’t have to make the effort himself. Remember that your child is often perfectly capable of answering many of the questions they ask you. It may just take a little effort on their part and less input on yours. (Excerpt from empoweringparents.com)
TO BE CONTINUED