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Gunners FC Weekly

October 1, 2010

GUNNERS FC WEEKLY The #1 News Source for Gunners FC Football



Director of Player Personnel Nick Fletchall Under Fire

Irving, TX--The Gunners’ 1-1-1 start has left a wound in the consciousness of club director Nick Fletchall but he is keeping the faith. The latest result, a 6-6 tie versus The Guerreros, has dampened expectations for the prestigious club and has only provided more ammunition for Fletchall’s critics. Fletchall though sees no reason to panic; “The Gunners are going through a difficult moment. The team has to work, but this is what I expected,” he told Gunners FC Weekly. The Director of Player Personnel has come under heavy scrutiny for failing to assemble a squad worthy of a third consecutive Campeonato. Underlying fans’ frustration with the club are the player personnel decisions. Player attendance has been sporadic, including noshows from OGs (Original Gunners) Ranger Parrish, Paulo Da Silva, and Nick Rios, as well as absences from recently signed Gunners Dillon Vedral and Riley Parrish. Ranger Parrish in particular has tested the patience of the heartless Director of Player Personnel. When Gunners FC Weekly caught up with Fletchall, he had this to say about the Ranger Parrish situation: “Ranger’s loss is most devastating, as he is a reference point for us. It’s true I have thought about cutting him, and I have no problem letting this be known. However, there is no doubt that he brings quality to our side and this cannot be understated. I believe the true reason he has not donned the Gunners shirt this season is because he is attempting to avoid paying dues.” Indeed Parrish himself has been quoted as saying “I’m Jewish with my money, and I don’t care.” The resulting situation has created a rift in the locker room, as Gunner Cole Bryan was certain the problem with Parrish is his Jewish tendencies, “He is [clearly] trying to get out of paying dues.” With each passing week, the tension between Parrish and Fletchall has escalated, with Fletchall taking the brunt of the blame for not being able to come to an agreement with Parrish.

Most concerning to the fans, however, is the apparent lack of motivation from the enigmatic Pepe Ramirez, the Gunners’ most prized transfer acquisition this season. After dealing with a stomach virus stemming from poor dietary habits that kept his minutes limited in the first game of the season, Ramirez has been a virtual no-show in all competitions since. Hailed as the coup of the transfer season, Ramirez was counted on to provide a spark in the midfield and further enhance chemistry with fellow Mexican Nick Rios. This has proved more difficult than originally anticipated, as Rios and Ramirez have played a total of 0 minutes together in three games since the Gunners signed Pepe. Critics point to this as one of the major reasons the Gunners have stumbled out of the starting blocks this season, and have pointed the finger directly at the Director of Player Personnel. Speaking with an anonymous senior ranking official from Arena Athletics, Gunners FC Weekly has discovered that not just fans are questioning player personnel decisions, but outsiders everywhere are putting The Gunners under a microscope. Critics have raised questions on Director Nick Fletchall’s movements, in particular how he has dealt with the Ramirez and Parrish situations. The anonymous senior ranking official was quoted as saying, “People ask me what I would have done... nothing. The Gunners transfer market resembles that of a provincial team. They need quality. It makes no sense to buy a load of players who are useless to the project.” When reached for comment, Fletchall remained abrasive by stating, “We play with the players we have, and we do not worry about the others. It’s a fair assessment to say we could utilize the services of Beavers, Parrish, etc… but the situation is as it is.” He continued by outlining his plan for the season: “I’m calling up a reserve, by the name of Travis Vedral—brother of current Gunner Dillon Vedral. He is returning from a stint in the Arkansas penal league, so he will surely bring an element of toughness we have lacked. Additional reinforcements will come, rest assured. The Gunners never start from scratch; we are always moving forward. I was able to work out an extension with Riley Parrish, and his brother Ranger will be reworded with one as well; although if we cannot come to terms in the next week, Executive Director Dustin Dupree and I will have to discuss moving on without him.” Fletchall, who is known for his ruthless player management tactics and his no non-sense approach, has shown an incredible amount of patience with Ramirez and, in particular, Ranger Parrish. Only time will tell if his patience will be reworded. Until then, expect the critics to continue to question his decisions regarding player management.

Gunners FC quote of the week:

“If it ain’t anabolic, then it ain’t Riley Parrish.” Executive Director Dustin Dupree

Gigi Beavers…coming back? “Beavers still has something to prove…”

-Executive Director Dustin Dupree

See page 2 for details

Come out this Friday, October 1, 2010 support you’re Gunners FC as they seek to destroy Los Alamos. “New Decade, New Everything”

Gunners FC Weekly

October 1, 2010


EXCLUSIVE NEWS October 1, 2010

Riley Parrish Inks Extension with Gunners FC

Return on Investment

Gigi Beavers

Reports claim Gigi Beavers was spotted meeting with Director of Player Personnel Nick Fletchall at a recent Texas Rangers game. Gigi Beavers is currently undergoing a rehabilitation period following a critical injury to his left pinkie that he sustained during last season. He was subsequently loaned out to Sam Houston to improve his fitness levels and his public image following a string of fallouts with teammates and club officials.

After weeks of grueling negotiations, the two sides have come to an unlikely agreement over a contract extension. The extension seemed out of the question just days ago when Parrish and his group of advisors released the following press statement: out of the question just days ago when Parrish and his group of advisors released the following press statement: “I have spent many sleepless nights thinking about the situation at hand. Though it may seem the upper hand is greatly in favor of one party, the grounds for these outlandish accusations have been foreseen and ultimately compromised. It was clear from the moment I stepped foot on the pitch that it would Riley Parrish come down to this… However, I can see through you [Director of Player Personnel Nick Fletchall]. I see a money hungry realist who once had passion for the game but has since lost it. What once was ambition has transcended to greed and even worse, power. I see a beggar on the inside crying out for help, guidance, assistance, anything! I know how this will end. We do not choose our destinies. We cannot change the past. We can only hold our faith accountable for our actions.” When all seemed lost and a season-long holdout seemed the most likely option, an emergency meeting was called. Directors Dupree and Fletchall met with Parrish just moments before the kick off of Thursday night’s thrashing of The Guerreros and were able to iron out their differences to secure the services of the technically sound and highly skilled midfielder. Executive Director Dustin Dupree shed some light as to what convinced Parrish to end the holdout saying, “He was concerned playing would be too catabolic for him. If it ain’t anabolic, then it ain’t Riley Parrish. Once we dispelled this notion, we were able to come to an agreement.” Gunners fans can now look forward to seeing Riley Parrish play, knowing he has no intent to move on.

Reports indicate Gigi Beavers is taking this rehabilitation period very seriously, as he has been seen practicing late into the night at Sam Houston’s training grounds. Nervous Gunners fans would be ecstatic to have the mercurial All-Star goalie return, although he first must agree to terms with the club. Indications are that his return is becoming more and more likely, as Gunners FC Weekly has confirmed the meeting between Gigi Beavers and Fletchall did indeed take place. The two were spotted chatting behind home plate during the Rangers 11-7 victory against the Detroit Tigers. When asked about Gigi’s possible return, Fletchall sounded hesitant stating, “Gigi still has work to do. He was outmuscled for a foul ball by a young girl sitting adjacent to him. This tells me he still has a long way to go before he wears the Gunners uniform again.” All things considered, the meeting represents progress towards an agreement between the two that seemed unlikely just weeks ago. After reports of falsifying injury records, the two traded jabs through the media until Beavers was loaned out to Sam Houston. With the team looking solidify a shaky goalie position, Beavers is seen as the key to long term success for the organization. No comment from Gigi Beavers has been made, as numerous attempts to reach the club icon have not been returned.