OUR CHILD IS DEFIANT – WHAT SHOULD WE DO? Q: Our young son is defiant and talks back. He won’t do his homework and refuses to clean his room. When we try to discuss these issues with him in a calm, mature way, we usually end up getting angry and yelling at him. What are we doing wrong?
work on developing connection, respect, understanding and communication. If it’s a skill deficit, help him learn what he needs to accomplish tasks. If it really is a defiance issue, then it’s best to have consequences that are age-appropriate, consistent and well understood.
Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: First, I might suggest that you invest about 10 minutes into taking the “7 Traits of Effective Parenting” assessment; see focusonthefamily.com/parenting.
Consequences can be both positive and negative. Your child may have learned that you eventually get angry, yell and then give up -- so you need to follow through. You can use positive consequences to increase a positive behavior, and negative consequences to decrease a negative behavior. Set goals with celebrations, and set consequences with meaningful losses.
Second, you need to determine if this is a skill deficit (e.g., poor organization), or a true case of defiance. Either way, you want to
For example, you might tell your son, “If you finish your homework by 5:00, you get an extra half-hour of TV time tonight.” That’s a simple positive consequence that doesn’t cost you anything. But if 6:00 rolls around and he hasn’t even looked at his homework, as a negative consequence he loses the privilege of any TV time that night altogether. Again, spell this out clearly in advance. You’ll need to come up with appropriate consequences (both positive and negative) that really touch him where he lives. It could be skateboarding privileges, or a weekend outing with Dad. The motivating power of specific consequences will change as a child grows older.
PORNOGRAPHY AND THE IMPACT THAT ITS HAVING ON OUR TEENS Q: Hey, Bob, I’m curious: When you compare today’s media environment to what you experienced as a teenager/young adult, what’s been the most impactful change? Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: Without question, the most impactful change has been how easily young boys (and girls) can access pornography. When I was a teen, porn was available primarily in magazines and XXX bookstores. Nowadays, of course, pornography is just a click away.
To know Him and live that others may know Him
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