THIS WILL BE THROWN AWAY
APRIL 1, 2013
Ben Q additions require vigorous certification
‘Dodge’-like hashtag leads to danger
Daring teachers take on the challenge to be certified.
By NIKKI THIEL Staff Writer firstname.lastname@example.org
Concerns arise after multiple accidents occur in hallways.
By SCOTT SCHREIBER Technology Director sschreiber.communications@gmail. com
Advancements in technology have provided the educational world with the newest devices from 2005 necessary to encourage a rich and healthy, albeit underfunded, learning environment. A push for decent, modern-age technology in the school has brought a new addition to the classrooms of TC. Over the course of the summer, BenQ projection units were installed in most classrooms and computer labs throughout the school to promote the teaching atmosphere of the future, and to enhance lesson impact. Engineer Oiler Cann, designer of the BenQ projection unit, pressed the importance of the integration, and feels proud of what he has contributed. “I’m an engineer, which means I solve problems...practical problems. The problem: dull and lifeless education. My solution: This high-lumen, beam-mounted, little old projection unit here designed by me, built by me, and you’d best hope...teaching you,” Cann said. The BenQ projection unit is an extremely complex machine designed specifically “only for the bravest of souls” as stated by Cann. In response to several cases of BenQ-induced trauma, all teachers are required to pass a rigorous BenQ cer-
Many avid social media users have recently noticed a trend (literally) on Twitter and Instagram. This overly used ‘hashtag’ is swerve. Due to the overuse of #swerve, many strange accidents have been occuring. Every time a user tags ‘swerve’ in a tweet or a picture they seem to move immediately. “While I was in the hallway the other day walking to my class with my friend, she was tweeting about her ex-boyfriend all of sudden she slammed right into me. Later we realized that later she used the hashtag,” junior Carrie Confused said. With people finding out about this news flash, they are starting to be very cautious about not using this hashtag. It has led to broken arms and broken legs from slamming in the lockers and falling down the stairs. “I was in the cafeteria yesterday, and I was throwing away my lunch, and of course I was on Twitter, and I swerved right into the trash can full of nasty food. I was like oh my gosh, I hate my life” freshman Olivia Struggle said. Parents are becoming concerned about their children’s well being. Some have even started protests against using this violent hashtag but teens are too addicted to stop. “I’m really worried about my daughter Stacy. She is always on Twitter and running into things,” Stacy’s Mom said. Stacy’s mom knows what’s going on, she’s all informed and knows that it’s wrong. Editor’s Note: Stacy, can’t you see that tweeting swerve is not good to tweet. You know that it is wrong so stop using the hashtag. Make sure to think before you hit that Tweet button because you could be next the next to #... you know.
WASTED Sarah “Can we just all be friends?” Davidson Jenny “Where’s Nikki?” Downey Alison “I just don’t know” MacDonald Laura “ Pumped for the Pope” Melrose Corey “SsssSSSs” Myrick NIkki “He’s the mole” Thiel THE BOTTOM LINE
tification process. The certification requires above average intelligence, skill level, endurance, an immaculate credit score, and experience with hazardous nuclear material handling procedures, which has caused operators such as chemistry teacher Val Itile to speak of the certification as if it were a battleground. “What makes me BenQ certified? If I wasn’t BenQ certified, I wouldn’t be sitting here discussing it with you, now would I?! You don’t understand what it all means! I could’ve been killed! I could be dead!” Itile said. Despite the trending high fatality/certification ratio, many teachers have survived the deathtrap, and confirmed that the new additions to their classrooms have significantly increased their lesson impact and students’ retention of said lessons by at least five minutes after they leave the room. Some teachers have even found the machines to give purpose to their previously meaningless lives. “I’ve seen the light! Nothing else matters anymore. I’m very fortunate that I was given this opportunity, and also that my last husband was so cooperative in the divorce agreement. You would be surprised at how much fun it is to shop for projector-shaped tuxedos,” psychology teacher Craye Zee said. Directors of product production at the BenQ headquarters are torn on what approach to take on the growing use of their projectors in relationship to casualties suffered. Protocol are being developed to simplify the certification process in an effort to bring the opportunity to use the machines to everyone, not just the warseasoned veterans of heavy combat. “We realize that the main problem with the BenQ is its highly advanced startup procedure. We’ve decided to compromise on this issue by including a sofa-sized, platinum, diamond-studded ON button. This will cause a slight increase in product price, but we’re confident that we can produce at least ten units before we cause any significant effect on the federal reserve,” CEO Coy Porate said.
PAPER STAFF Elizabeth “That’s my flash drive” Rand Max “I’m hungry” Riedinger Scott “Not so innocent” Schreiber Henry “Let me get that door for you” Sharpe Josa “Queen Sass Pants” Worthy
****PLACE IRRELEVANT QUOTE HERE NO ONE WILL READ » Who cares who said it?
GOLDEN FLEECE • APRIL 1, 2013
DISCLAIMER: This issue is a parody of life and the news around us. NONE of these stories, photos, or information is real and should only be read with a sense of humor and parody. After all, it is April Fool’s! However, all ads are from our normal advertisers and are real, so please support those who support us. Love, us.
‘Foreign’ food raises concern for student health, new restrictions imposed to prevent problems Teachers are now required to scan and search all students possessions to eliminate outside food. By ELIZABETH RAND Staff Writer email@example.com
T E H
The new rule applies to all students, and teachers are now required to inspect backpacks and lunch boxes as soon as class begins. “I believe that the safety of this school relies on the prevention of food from the outside world. I just want there to be love and happiness surrounding this school,” health teacher, Sylvia Sanity said. Within the next five years, there will be new monitors located at every entrance to the school that will detect any food from restaurants or other unknown locations. “I guess this really means that the school will be going on a no foreign food lock down. It almost makes me want to cry that I will not be getting any more business from parents coming to get food for their kids. This is truly an outrage,” Cook-In employee, Wendy Weepy said.
C T A R T E H C T A
Recent restrictions on food brought into the school from outside locations have caused an uproar from the students. “My dear mother bought me lunch from Turk-filA last week and the office staff told her to immediately leave with the food or burn it. I was outraged that they made her waste such a priceless meal,” sophomore Yumin Tum said.
Students suffer severe dehydration due to suspicious covers on all water fountains
the stimulant, students started to show signs of mental abilities far beyond humanly possible. “One morning I woke up and found that I could move things around just by thinking about it” junior Smart E. Phants said, “I By MAX REIDINGER Staff Writer also figured out that I could read my teacher’s firstname.lastname@example.org thoughts in class that day. It was pretty awesome.” Students have been experiencing extreme Students such as sophomore Aiken Johns dehydration due to the fact that have claimed that these powthe water fountains have been ers are normal to them. sealed off. The reason behind this “I have been able to skip is little known, but rumor has it ahead several grades and that the cause may be because the get As on almost every test water has been negatively affectbecause I can connect to the ing students. internet by using enhanced “We noticed that students that brainwaves since I was five regularly drank from the water years old.” said Johns. fountains at school had reduced This problem has the academic performance compared » AIKEN JOHNS school system thoroughly to those students who didn’t drink stumped for now and they are from the fountains.” said psycholunsure of when it will be resolved. ogy teacher Emma Shrink. “We don’t know how long it will take to reProfessor E. Nigma has come up with a soverse the problem, so we recommend that stulution to counteract the negative effects of the dents bring their own water from home. The school’s water. effects of prolonged exposure and consumption “We closed off the fountains to introduce a neural-stimulant to the school’s water system to of the water are unknown, so we don’t want the students drinking it.” said Principal Nic E. Guy. try and counteract this problem,” Nigma said. However, a few days after the introduction of Contaminated water sources in the school lead to abnormal mental abilities for students.
I have been able to skip ahead several grades and get As on almost every test...
Further news is to be revealed once the foreign food monitors are set in place. Administration is in full support of the new changes to students’ lunch. “This country is just too unhealthy, and we have to start this transformation with the younger folks. However long it takes, I am determined to keep food from places like Papa Toms out of this school forever. Long live Amurica,” Administrator McLettice said. Diseases such as the whooping cream cough and fried chicken pox have been linked to food from foreign destinations. Students can look on the school website for any outbreaks of these diseases. No word yet on how this new policy will affect food days in Spanish, Chinese, French or Latin classes...
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GOLDEN FLEECE • APRIL 1, 2013
MARCH MADNESS CURE: Doctors recommend rest and avid TV watching to cure this nasty flu. The picture above is just something we thought would look good to capture your attention.
ACC FLU impacts Roberson Strange disease occurs annually around mid-March. By LILY ANDERSON Staff Writer email@example.com
Students and faculty have been struck lately by what medical experts know only to be called “Hepatitis ACC.” The awful disease has been devastating school attendance, and causing great worry for school administration. Hep ACC is a local form of the national NC2A D-I disease that affects millions each spring. Teacher C. Senorita claims that the disease almost killed her. “Once you get into it, there’s no
turning back. It really is a vicious cycle.” The disease seems to be at its worst in March, and has a tendency to strike male students and faculty the hardest. Even teachers such as Coy Role have been hit by Hepatitis ACC, and have been forced to miss class. “It’s really a tough disease. Just as you think it’s over, another round will hit and it’s impossible to attend school,” Role said. Teachers and students are not the only ones who have been affected. The school has become covered in rotting food and dust bunnies have been sighted roaming the History Hall, due to the fact that fewer concerned adults have been spared from the disease.
There are no known cures for the disease, but leading experts feel that all of the effects of the disease (anger, urges to fight, depression, etc.) will peak and then start to decline, with all long term effects wearing off by mid-April. The school board voted last week whether or not students will be allowed to have their phones while the disease is going around next year, due to the scientifically proven fact that Hepatitis ACC is spread more rapidly while watching basketball games or looking up statistics. Ironically only one member came to the board meeting, due to the fact that all of the other members had come down with Hepatitis ACC.
photo/who took this?/golden fleece
SLOTH LIFE: A recent sloth sighting at Roberson sparked the interest of many students. “I freaked out when I saw the sloth, I’m obbsessed with them, they’re just sooooooo cute,” freshman [insert name here]
GOLDEN FLEECE • APRIL !, 2013
Teacher’s addiction arouses concern
Isn’t there supposed to be a story that goes here? DOUBLE CHECK before going to press!!
Koi Jeen’s love for restaurant reaches new levels. By JENNY DOWNEY Staff Writer firstname.lastname@example.org
Koi Jeen’s love for Panera has the whole school concerned. Everyday there is Panera cup on her desk, making students wonder just how often Jeen goes to said restaurant. “I understand liking a restaurant, but going there everyday is more like an addiction. I think she might need help,” junior Jessica Judgmental said. According to some figures, » KOI Jeen’s weekly costs have to be way more than a teacher can afford on his/her current salary. (I mean, have you seen what they make??) Also her total time spent at Panera weekly adds up to more time than AP students take doing homework at night. “I think I might have a prob-
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lem, but can’t stop won’t stop. I love Panera and there is nothing anyone can do to keep me away from my love,” Jeen said. According to reports, a student in need of pencil was sent to Jeen’s desk to retrieve one, and upon opening the desk, bags and cups from Panera spilled out. Jeen, red faced, quickly rushed to the scene stuffing all the contents back in her desk. Coincidentally that day a “random” thirty page essay on the importance of minding your own business was assigned. “One day she didn’t have time to get Panera, and she did not say a word to us. I was scared,” junior Willy Wimpy said. Addictions are very serious and JEEN the first step to recovery is acceptance. Some students are petitioning Panera to move further away, like say, Germany. If not, Jeen’s life may continue to be dominated by the drastic longings of Panera’s flat bread goodness.
I think I might have a problem, but can’t stop, won’t stop.
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Students suffer from food addictions which give customers a discount on each other’s products. One student, Penny P. Incher, has become completely obsessed with By COREY MYRICK saving money and goes back and Staff Writer email@example.com forth between the businesses daily. “I haven’t slept for days, and I got a cold from staying outside of Yaya’s Recently, the school’s faculty met waiting for them to open so I could to discuss a certain issue that is beuse my coupon. I will do anything to coming a problem at Roberson. save money, even if it means risking “We are beginning to see a my life,” Incher said. high number of dropouts, and it is Incher’s parents recently condirectly related to a vicious cycle tacted local police to taking place in report a missing child. Biltmore Park After an extensive Town Square,” search in the comAdministrator munity, the teen was Eve Nuff said. found hidden in the According to bathroom of Yaya’s a Biltmore Park with a stash of couemployee, nupons in their hand. merous students “The teenager was have been seen very confused, and taking part in a seemed non-respondangerous hobby » WHO SAID THIS? sive when the police in the heart of the asked them what they park. were doing, ” local police official Loch “Biltmore Park has always been a place where students from Roberson M. Upp said. In a tell-all interview that recently come to hangout, but I am beginning took place, another student from to worry that the time they spend Roberson admitted that this obseshere is excessive,” Nic O’ Tyme sion has ruined her life. said. “If I don’t have my Neo and Yaya’s Frugal students have recently fix, I become a different person. I fallen into a marketing trap that two restaurants in the park have come up am working with a counselor to try to work out this problem in my life. with. Hopefully soon, I will not be depenBoth Neo Burrito and Yaya’s Frozen Yogurt have joined forces to cre- dent on queso and vanilla yogurt to make my life feel complete,” Anita ate a constant stream of customers from Roberson. They have done this Snac said. by adding coupons to their receipts
Money saving tactics lead to negative results.
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GOLDEN FLEECE • APRIL 1, 2013
School empties during fourth
NC Wise Owl never to be forgotten
‘Free Period AP’ exam suffers from lack of student participation, attendance.
Suspicions surrounding the murder of the Owl spark controversy in the state.
By SARAH DAVIDSON Editor-in-Chief firstname.lastname@example.org
By LILY ANDERSON Staff Writer email@example.com
Librarians and teachers in Buncombe County are mourning the loss of a beloved friend, the NC Wise Owl. He was declared dead at 9:48 am on March 16th, 2013, after over a decade of service to all Buncombe County Schools. According to authorities, the Wise Owl is believed to have been assassinated by a hit man sent by the Buncombe County knowledge board. Asheville police are on the case, and believe the killer to be Lou Zerr. The superintendent of education, Brock Lee, declined to comment on the alleged killing. However, detectives believe members of the knowledge system were motivated to kill the owl because he was simply too wise. An anonymous caller told police, “the wise owl knew things about the knowledge systems that they wanted to keep covered up, such as the fact that all teachers are secretly robots in disguise…” Teacher Anita Hug tears up as she recalls the Owl’s impact on her life and career. “Every class, every day, he was there to help me put in grades and attendance. I never could have done it without his loyal service.” NEWS FLASH!! The Owl is NOT DEAD. Just NC WISE. Not NC WISE OWL. See, that makes sense, right? Have two seperate programs using almost the same name. Good idea, knowlegde board! We know your game! It was all just a ploy to strike fear into those who love the ease and skill the Owl provides. Well, you’ll never kill true wisdom! Not while we still have the Dewey Decimal System! HA! HA! HA!
Leggings epidemic to affect female students New fashion trend allows students increased mobility, comfort.
That price is warmth. Many girls have adjusted and made the proper preparations. “Now that I’m moving so fast, it’s easy to get cold quickly. I like to wear my By ALISON MACDONALD favorite North Face or Patagonia jacket Staff Writer with Uggs to beat the bite” freshman firstname.lastname@example.org Justine Case said. Not only do they streamline physical Recently, there has been a dramatic travel, leggings are aldecrease in the lowing girls to spend less amount of tardy time changing, and more students school time to live their lives. wide. More and “I like to sleep in more students leggings, so I can get up have been able to and go to school without arrive to class and having to change or get practice on time, ready, and then I can and particularly wear them straight to females. practice after school This has been without hitting the accredited to the locker room first”, junior fashion craze of »IMSO LAZY Imso Lazy said. “leggings”. The “I’ve been known to aerodynamic and wear the same pair of sleek spandex design of these alternative pants combine to enable students to eas- leggings for a few days in a row. One ily navigate crowded hallways, and move time, I wore the same pair for two weeks without taking them off, and no one at above average paces. noticed.” “I don’t think I’ve ever been able to walk this fast in my life”, tenth grader In un-related news: SCORE UPDATE: Tue Fast said. Ignored b/c It Is Too Hard to Enforce = 1; While the speed is a wonderful gift, Official School Dress Code = 0. there is a price to pay for efficiency.
“ I’ve been known
to wear the same pair of leggings for a few days in a row...
Recently, the students and staff of TC Roberson have been noticing a change in the senior parking lots. Around 1:35 p.m., both the math and athletic lots become quickly barren. Staff members believe that this change is due to the high number of seniors who are enrolled in a new 4th period class. “For some reason, a majority of seniors requested the new free period class at the end of the school day. I’m sure that they all have great reasons to leave the last part of the day,” counselor Addie Advice said. Out of the 600 seniors at Roberson, around 580 have opted to spend their fourth period off campus. Administration has labeled this class time as “Free Period” due to the multitude of enriching activities that these seniors are participating in. Advanced students (ok, all of them) are taking the more strenuous version of the course, known as “AP Free.” “Yeah, I really love my AP Free Period. I spend most of my time doing really cool things like going out to get food and sleeping. I would say it is probably my favorite class,” Sarah Slacker said. The few seniors left at school during fourth period have been experiencing some feelings of abandonment and loneliness. “I’m stuck at school with all of these underclassmen who don’t respect me. When I walk out into the parking lot and see that my car is the last one left, I get really sad,” Studious Steve said. The seniors enrolled in the AP Free Period are required to take an AP exam in May. Unfortunately, in previous years the attendance rate for this test has been extremely low for unknown reasons. Administration is currently devising a plan in order to encourage these students to attend the required testing. “Right now we are unsure why these students have failed to show up. It’s like they think this isn’t a class or something,” administrator Olivia Oblivious said.
GOLDEN FLEECE • APRIL 1, 2013
CPR regulation places new burden on students Sohpomores are faced with a heavy load (literally) due to new training in usage of Automated Defibrillators. By JOSA WORTHY Staff Writer email@example.com
Grinding at prom continues sparking controvsery Students Vealson and Howse vow to bring life to the party. By HENRY SHARPE Staff Writer firstname.lastname@example.org
Ahhh… prom. Dresses, tuxes, expensive dinners, endless photo shoots, flat punch, and awkward people not dancing. However, for the students who do want to “get jiggy with it,” their options for dances are growing considerably slimmer. Administrator Rachel T. Werk, is adamant about restricting students attending prom from expressing themselves on or near the dance floor. “I will NOT allow the respected students here at Roberson to flagrantly do things such as
grinding,” Werk said. “As of now, grinding is forbidden at prom.” Junior Chuck Vealson was livid when he became aware of Werk’s verdict on the appropriateness of grinding at prom. “My father has been grinding in his butcher shop for years and nobody has ever treated him with an ounce of disrespect,” Vealson said. “This type of discrimination is uncalled for and I won’t stand for it.” Senior Maxwell B. Howse is distraught as well over the recent ‘no grinding’ decree. Howse has a reputation of always being the life of the party with his multitude of coffee blends that include, the Butter Toffee Bernie, the Double Shot Dougie (also available in decaf), and the high school favorite, the Chocolate Raspberry and Maca-
damia Wobble Cappuccino. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” Howse said. “Grinding has always been a sort of stress release for me, and since prom is so stressful, I figured I would grind the whole time just to keep from feeling awkward.” As a result of these rigorous new regulations, students who were originally planning on attending prom have instead decided to host their own gathering. The event will take place on the same night as prom at the meat packing plant in downtown Asheville. Vealson’s father will be catering the event, and students can grind specialty blends provided by Howse all night long.
Due to recent Buncombe County regulations, students are required to be trained and certified in Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation (CPR). Along with the certification, students are expected to carry their own Automated External Defibrillators (AED) at all times. The AED assess the heart’s rhythm pattern and detects if a hurt person needs to be shocked. As part of the training for AEDs, students have been practicing how to shave a person’s chest in case the victim of a heart attack has an excessively hairy torso. “I hate it whenever I’ve had to give an AED shock to someone and they just have mounds of thick, gross, sweaty chest » AUTO DEFIB hair in the way and I have to touch it”, sophomore Alexis G. Bell said. Because students are required to carry the AEDs at all times, they typically put their other books in lockers. “My backpack weighs 20 pounds and my AED weighs 80. This is ridiculous”, sophomore Autoe Defib said. Many students have been complaining about the bulky size of the AEDs. Sophomore Ellie Shocks said, “I hate having to lug around this giant AED. It weighs more than my backpack and I already carry around four textbooks, three binders, two pairs of shoes and one giant purse.” “I had to get a locker just for my AED and it doesn’t even fit”, sophomore Houston Prob says. AEDs may help save a person’s life, but for now they are just causing back problems.”
My backpack weighs 20 pounds and my AED weighs 80. This is ridiculous.
What does Buncombe County’s newest acronym mean to you?
BYOD ***BRING YOUR OWN DEVICE***