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Earth Is Huge And We Are All On It Vol. 2: PETRICHOR JUNE/2014


Earth Is Huge And We Are All On It The fantasticalness contained within Issue 1 ofEarth Is Huge And We Are All On It was a bit ofa dream come true, and a perfect way to kick offthis zine project. This issue continues to deliver, as calls for contributions have produced a richly prom ising vein ofdeep and precious stuffthat shows no signs ofabating. This issue strikes a good balance between visual arts and written; it’s a balance I hope will persist as future issues are put together. We have 4 return ing contributors, and 4 newcomers. There are also 4 visual pieces and 4 written. I’d thought about putting something together to include outside ofmy editorial soapboxing, but time & tide pulled me away from more creative endeavors (read: pizza, An imal Crossing, allergies, freelancing); the only things I’ve come up with this month are in dire need ofmore time and attention before I’d be satisfied with them. Besides, I’d hate to ruin the magick string offours we seem to be experiencing to shoehorn myselfin at the last m inute. Let’s talk for a second about quality while we’re on the subject. From the get-go, I decided that I wanted to help people present their work in an attractive and accessible way, but that by no means is meant to impose a high standards barrier to the work being presented. The quality I am seeking most in things people subm it is comprised ofone criteria: it is something they want to subm it. In this issue we’ve hit a good balance ofshowcasing both the polished and the playful, which I hope you’ll find encouraging. This project exists for you. This project exists to get your art, your writing, & your ideas into the world. Ifyou want help editing or formatting to help you get your work molded into the shape that you’re happiest with, then this project is here to do that, too. Ifyou’re excited about an idea that comes in an unusual form, one that m ight lack editorial rigor or museum quality, then bring it on. Give us your cocktail napkin drawings, your 2am cigarette box poems, your tweets, your speedpaints gone hilariously awry.

Let’s be together as ourselves. GHN ~ Editor 06/24/14


Contents Reflections 1 Washing Touching 2 GENTLEHARSH 3 The Pen is Apologies 9 Paranormal Insights 11 SADGOURD & sawney the hamhug 11 Photography 13 Review: Punk Seeks Lady 17

Chris Baird Amy K Coyote Victoria Knockwood Scrublord Dan iel Hopper Bret Lockerbie Jon Hall Todd Derscheid

Cover photo "Wipeout" by Jon Hall

layout by marlin


Reflections by Chris Baird


Washing Touching by Amy K I've always thought of my head as the lagoon, and my thoughts as the mysterious glowing light at the bottom, ever since I saw that movie about that creature from a black lagoon. Lagooon. Pond? I wonder what it's like to swim in a river... It's called a body of water because it's a body system, with physiology... and thought? Swimming at the ymca pool makes me sick, and the one time I tried swimming in the sea by New York City... oh!

whatnot. I think I get it. I'm not feeling that, but I guess I don't disagree. Like, What? The deepest most cutting biting truth is hard to share? and when it is if you should it lays pallor and waste to all in its path? Arright. Arrr! I wonder what it is to have a hook hand.

Dear diary dearest, I saw a Dead Deer and Direly, I Decidedly poked it with a stick. Like You're Supposed To. The homeless man keeps coming up. It doesn't matter how slowly u go so long as that u don't stop going towards infinity per ushe (usual-- but abbreviated. how to spell?) the yoozhe. the deluge. the foods, the brews. My whole body feels wet, but not with water (or all my fucking sweat this fuckin summer). wet with dust, wet with spirit. crush me under many many tons of lavender flowers please

dear baby diary: you're so young and your pages are so fresh. your binding is stiff. your covers are clean. I solemnly vow hereby to forthcomingly "Tear It Up." by my heart and will alone. (unless my sister or maybe Billy wants to write in u.) unrelated: when all these depressed people say "i wish i was dead," why wouldn't they instead wish they were just happy? Convenience? Some days, diary. Some god darn, heckish days.

I upset something with Billy and I don't know what it is. I say that because I think I do know, and I don't think I like it. or want to share it thanks very much! I will eventually though... Personal. All those New York folk saying "poisonal" with that accent and

I wonder how it feels to be deaf. I never met a deaf. and I met less than 1 0 black people in my whole life. America the great indeed.

Washing... needs touching... So if you "let it wash over you" (music, rivers (not jumping in one), likeee anything with your brains), what is it washing over? Reasonable assumption: the air atoms & molecules? that're going in&out, always? out&in of and to your mouth, nose, skin... washing needs touching or else it's just splashing :)

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GENTLEHARSH by Coyote Victoria Knockwood


Earth Is Huge and We Are All On It


The Pen is Apologies by Scrublord My penis is small and ineffectual, a mess of a phallus. It could not pleasure someone else, and it can barely pleasure even myself. Just thinking about having sexual relations with another person is horrifying, as making myself vulnerable enough to let someone know how utterly incapable I am of pleasing them with my penis, the only sign I have that I am a man in this day and age, is incomprehensible. ***** My penis is angry and frustrated. Why are females ashamed of me? Why do they not think I can make them happy? Why can I not be seen as a viable candidate because of everything that makes me whole? All I want is to feel your touch against me. To feel your depths and to understand your pain. Do not disregard me. I am not something you should disregard. ***** My penis is youthful and virulent. When you got drunk I took you to a bedroom, and when you passed out I climbed into bed with you. When you woke up the next morning I told

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you that I made sure nobody went into the bedroom with you, and even when you claimed it felt like you had sex I insisted it never happened. I took you out for pancakes and you did not speak to me for two months. I never told you this not because I was ashamed of what I did, but because if you knew I don't think you would have sex with me again. We never did, and when you went away to college I heard you went into counseling. I heard you tell everyone I betrayed you. I did not betray you. Anyone could have done that to you, but instead it was me, someone who cared about you. You never thanked me for being there for you. You never took my feelings into account. You betrayed me. ***** My penis is an expression of the love we share. It is an extension of the feelings we have for each other. It is a contract stating that we belong together. After we get married I will get bored and drunk one day so I will enter into a contract with someone else. It will not be an expression of love or an extension of feelings. It will just be a penis. *****


My penis is stubborn and judgmental. I may be looking at you but I don't see you. You don't need to hear what I'm thinking to know what is going on in there, to hear the words I use to describe you, the way that I feel about you. Even when I get to know you and we spend time together. I don't change. I'll never change. Even when I tell you that I love you, the way I feel doesn't change. Even when you walk down the aisle towards me, the way I feel doesn't change. Even when you give me the son I always wanted, the way I feel doesn't change. You have fulfilled your biological function, and I still despise you for it. ***** My penis is everywhere. My penis is everything. Incorporeal, yet its presence is felt by everyone in every second of every day. You cannot escape my penis. You cannot avoid my penis. My penis is a looming presence over the state of the world. My penis starts wars. My penis murders people by the thousand. My penis stands strong and firm, ever ready for whatever the day brings. The only thing the day brings is my penis. An ever present and powerful penis that is understood by everything alive. There is no life, there is no death. There is only my penis. ***** My penis is a nice guy.

that night, you don't understand that you are thankful that I gave you permission to exercise your free will. You don't understand the pictures you take has the camera looking down on you, asserting my dominance over you without you even realizing. You never find out I masturbate while thinking of your friends in the pictures you send. ***** My penis is loud and incoherent. When we go out together with friends, I will ply you with alcohol and then yell at you when you are drunk. I drag you home, explaining that if I'm hurting you it's actually because you are hurting yourself. I do not realize you drink because you are too scared to leave me. I do not know that drinking to excess is the only way to cope with the terrible, inescapable situation I have placed you in. When we get home we will have sex. You will not enjoy it. The next morning I go to work wordlessly, and you know you did something wrong. All day you will worry about it, driving yourself crazy with anxiety. When I get home, maybe I won't say anything to you for a few more days. Maybe I'll yell at you some more for any number of reasons that make sense in my head but are petty and inconsequential in real life. Maybe I'll just act like nothing is wrong. But I'll remember. Every slight you make. Every time you do something to upset me. It all gets stored away in my head, ready to pull out when I need leverage on you. Til death do us part is right.

*****

*****

My penis is sweet and understanding. I let you go out with your friends for a night out because I say I trust you. When you send me pictures you've taken of you and your friends

My penis is a penis. You can always count on my penis to be a penis. My penis has no other function or serves any other purpose than to be a penis.

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Paranormal Insights by Dan iel Hopper I’ve always been interested in paranormal phenomena. From the goofy big feeted cryptoapes that roam the vast plains of the History Channel’s daytime schedule to the bug eyed grey aliens my nine year old niece keeps drawing on her bedroom walls, they’ve all held my interest and, more importantly, made me laugh. Of all the paranormal phenomenon ghosts are the funniest. There’s historical evidence to show that human society has always found ghosts to be inherently funny. The cave paintings discovered in the Australian outback that seem to show stick figures laughing at a Pacman style ghost are perhaps the earliest

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proof but historians tend to agree that it was the rise of Catholicism and Christianity in Europe that really cemented the tradition of comical phantoms in the human psyche. The first written record of a joke ghost comes from the gospel of St John and the story of doubting Thomas in which the spirit of Jesus Christ appears to his grieving disciple and mockingly rubs his crucifixion wounds in his face quipping and chortling away while the other disciples look on in delight (John 20:24-29: The Punking of Doubting Thomas). The Roman historian Josephus  mentions this event in his histories twice noting that it was “a pretty sweet prank that ghost pulled”.


Jesus isn’t the only funny biblical spectre, there is also the Christian belief in the Holy Ghost. Christians view the Holy Ghost as a kind of phantom sidekick who lives in the Vatican rent free. A sort of ghost version of Seth Rogan who hangs around with Jesus making wittyish observations every now and then. Catholics incorporate the burning of incense into most of their rituals in a futile attempt to hide the smell of weed and Cheetos that is said to emanate throughout any room the Holy Ghost decides to sleep in. It is also believed that failing to mention the Holy Ghost while making the sign of the cross will prompt the mischievous spirit to make a loud fart noise. As our society has become more rational and secular our attitudes towards ghosts have changed. The enlightenment philosopher and syphilis enthusiast Friedrich Nietzsche views the idea of an afterlife where everything is the same as your current life except you’re invisible and can’t touch stuff as macabrely hilarious. The ultimate “fuck you” of an uncaring God. Today many sceptics argue that not only are ghosts not funny but they don’t really exist. In his award winning book ‘The God’ Richard Dawkins applied his famous anti-humour scepticism to the subject devoting an entire chapter to the debunking of ghosts. He famously wrote, “I hate the very idea of comical ghosts. I have never been and never will become a ghost” I asked the distinguished professor how he reconciles this world view with the undeniably hilarious antics of Casper, the friendliest ghost we know of, and he began rambling about dogs engaging in full 69 until I eventually put the phone down.

sawney the hamhug (opposite page): SADGOURD by Bret Lockerbie I hope I’ve helped illuminate this mysterious topic and given a little insight into this other worldly phenomenon. Join me next time when I’ll be interviewing actor turned paranormal explorer Dan Aykroyd about the time he got a blowjob from a ghost in the family friendly movie Ghostbusters.

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Path ; (opposite page): Crossed

Photography by Jon Hall 14


Fenced In by Jon Hall


(top): All-Seeing; (bottom): Wan ing by Jon Hall


Review Punk Seeks Lady, or Once You See It, You Can't Unsee It by Todd Derscheid Ravensburger, a kid game publisher in the US but more wide-ranging publisher in Germany, put out a crazy game about running a dating service. Punk Sucht Lady (Punk Seeks Lady) was printed back in 1 993 and reprinted in several languages, English unfortunately not one of them. It's by two semi-famous designers, Wolfgang Kramer and Richard Ulrich (they did El Grande and Princes of Florence, two of my favorite games). I've played Punk Seeks Lady, and it's goofy fun (with one giant footnote that I address at the end of this review). There are two decks of customers, men and women. Each has a humorous picture by Iris Schotten, who has 3 other Ravensburger names to her credit, and 6 characteristics of the client pictured: Age, Job, Good Trait, Bad Trait, Hobby, and Life Goal. On the back, for male cards, is a small arrow, and on the back, for female cards, is a grid of numbers from 0-7, representing compatibility. The start player is the one most opposed to dating services, in a clever nod to German sensibilities. Starting with the start player, the active player flips over a card from one of the two decks, then must propose a match from their hand using 3 of the traits on the card, and each other player plays a prospective alternative match. Players vote on whether or not the player's match is the best, and if any dissenters are around, they choose an alternative. Once committed,

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the cards are flipped, the male card is placed on top of the female card (sigh) and the arrow on the male card points to one of the compatibility numbers. The matchmaker gets to advance their token, and voters either gain or lose points on their right/wrong choices. Turn passes, lather/rinse/repeat until someone's token crosses the finish line. The end result is ridiculous speeches at the table about why the Tennis Pro is a better match for the Florist than that dumb Jogger. There's not much skill involved, there are enough cards to make it impossible to memorize the combinations, and Punk Seeks Lady doesn't overstay its' welcome at the table, being a short hour's play. Overall, it's a unique party game, and can be a lot of fun with the right crowd. Long out of print, so unless you know a game enthusiast/collector or like browsing eBay, you're going to have a search to play it.

Overall rating 6/10.


*The big complaint: This game is heteronormative in a big way. Why can't the Jogger hook up with the Tennis Pro? They'd be perfect for each other. As I meet more people who are LGBT, I cringe more about the gender rigidity of Punk Seeks Lady. The one gay man in our group who's played Punk Seeks Lady adores it, since he's a huge fan of party games and the lively interaction that a rousing Punk Seeks Lady session generates. But I also suspect some of my acquaintances would

find it to be too confining in gender roles, and be offended by it. I might be thinking too much, but I'd hate to piss off a friend by gaslighting part of their identity inadvertently. As our society moves toward greater inclusiveness (I hope), maybe Punk Seeks Lady could use a reprinted, updated edition, with more options for dating that emphasize that true love comes in all forms.

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Contributors Amy K

Amy is a journalist. She is currently in talks with bugs and the birds who eat them. Twitter: @sexyprison

Bret Lockerbie

good with brain, bad with hands http://breterbie.tumblr.com

Chris Baird

Chris Baird refuses to exist. He also draws com ix on the interwebz. chrisbairdisdead.tumblr.com

Coyote Victoria Knockwood

Coyote Victoria Knockwood is a two-spirit Mi’kmaq artist, musician and writer. Born and raised in Alberta, she currently resides in Montreal on her way to Mi’kma’ki. Heavily influenced by Cree stories heard as a youth, Mi’kmaq stories and the works ofauthors like Clarice Lispector and Franz Kafka, CVK seeks to share her view ofthe world. Msit no’kmaq.

Dan iel Hopper

A Sumarian trickster god that whispers? "You'd look good in a fedora" into the dreams ofnerd. Twitter: @The_Swole_Nerd

Jon Hall

Journalism Student, Photographer, Baker Email: jonathon.hall@gmail.com / Twitter: @BigPileofSalt

Scrublord

Oft-confused box-of-rocks impersonator scrublord is, to all intents and purposes, the star ofa wonderful and heartwarm ing straight-to-DVD movie about overcom ing the effects offetal alcohol syndrome. Twitter: @scrublord

Todd Derscheid

Todd Derscheid lives in Houston with his 3 daughters. His gam ing blog is http://boardgamemadness.blogspot.com, and he is on twitter as @toddderscheid. Earth Is Huge And We Are All On It by http://earth-is-huge-mag.tumblr.com/ is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License. All works in this publication are subject to this license except where otherwise specified.


Afterword Awaken ing; (bottom): Pride by Jon Hall

Another issue completed! All thanks and praises to the talented authors and artists who are making this possible. Ifyou would like to contribute to a future issue, please visit the About page on the tumblr. That will give you the low down on the subm ission guidelines, and hopefully answer any questions you m ight have. Ofcourse you can always contact the editor directly via email: giania+zine@gmail.com , through the tumblr Ask system, or on twitter via @giania . The Summer Solstice just recently passed by for the year, marking the inevitable shorten ing ofdays until the Winter Solstice. With that in m ind, I can think ofno better creative prompt to introduce for July, and our third issue, than sunlight. Sunlight comes to us from an orb made entirely ofnuclear explosions m illions ofm iles away from us, yet without it, life as we understand it wouldn't exist. Louis Brandeis is credited with the saying "sunlight is the best disinfectant", speaking in regard to the effects exposure on injustice. Sunlight is a means ofcausing our bodies to absorb nutrients. Sunlight is a vital component in the lives ofplants. Sunlight can burn things or contribute to their break down over time. Sunlight is elemental, powerful, dangerous, necessary. It's certainly not to be trifled with, and defin itely worth a study. Ofcourse, this prompt is just one ofmany possibilities. Prior creative prompts include: “Everyone deserves a chance to fly” and “petrichor”. There’s so much out there to draw from to poetize, draw, assess, photograph, fictionalize, paint, and shout about. That’s what makes this project interesting and worthwhile. Everything you bring to the table. It’s wonderful and I can’t thank you enough. GHN ~ Editor 06/24/2014


About Earth is Huge and We Are All On It is an online zine that intends to publish monthly. Fiction, non-fiction, poetry, comics, stand-alone visual art, and anything that can be put on a page is welcome here. We seek to create space for all sorts ofideas and all sorts of people, and in particular want to create a welcoming environment for those who find themselves existing in the margins of society. Any briefstudy ofhistorical texts will show that marginalia is where all the really interesting stufflives. Visit us on tumblr for updates, calls for submissions, progress reports, and more: earth-is-huge-mag.tumblr.com Email giania+zine@gmail.com with questions, submissions, fan mail, hate mail, etc.

Earth Is Huge And We Are All On It by http://earth-is-huge-mag.tumblr.com/ is licensed under a Creative Commons AttributionNonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

All works in this publication are subject to this license except where otherwise specified. The Earth Is Huge And We Are All On It

JUNE/2014 Petrichor


Earth Is Huge & We Are All On It 2 | June