THE BURNING BOOK So Indie You’reGonna Gonna Need Need Emo to Read So Indie You’re EmoGlasses Glasses toRead Volume 1 Issue 1 In the News
August 31st, 2005
THE END IS NIGH! A student was seen earlier this week warning students that "the end is near." Bearing a sign stating "The End Is Nigh," the student screamed at passersby and several staff members just outside of the Administration Building on campus. The Burning Book was able to secure a quick interview with the anonymous scholar and provide the shocking truth: the end is likely near for a majority of incoming freshmen at UTM. BB: So, how do you get your face to blur like that? ??: "Huh?"
Student Finds Parking Spot, Iraqi Nukes, and Pot of Gold Pep Leader Takes Job Too Seriously
Introduction I'm sitting here with my editorial staff and it's Sunday afternoon, the day before school starts. I've erased and rewritten this introduction to The Burning Book at least five or six times and it's reached the point where I'm not going to try to be fancy or eloquent with it and, instead, am just going to be straight and to the point. A few years ago, back when I was a freshman, I was a part of an independent newspaper called The Back Row. It was about the campus and issues that were pertinent to students but was not actually associated with the university. There was a mixture of articles that appeared in it that ranged from sarcastic to academic and it was great while it lasted. Since then, in the absence of The Back Row, I had never really considered starting another independent newspaper until about last spring, when a friend of mine planted the notion of doing so in my head. I had always considered such a venture to more than likely be too much work and too much time, but as I thought about it more and began to plan out things with my friends as the summer wore on, The Burning Book took on a title, began to gain direction, and started morphing into something real and possible. Now, our first issue's right here in your hands. Continued on Page 2
BB: Christ, that's scary. Anyway, why are you spreading news of impending doom for incoming UTM freshmen? ??: "WTF? Did you know you lose your lottery scholarship money if you do poorly in your classes?" BB: Of course I knew that – why didn't you do well in classes? ??: "Mainly because I had this professor that hated me – more than likely because I wouldn't study. Also, I failed one class because a senior here said that I wouldn't even have to go to classes the first week...and I missed a few of my assignments - which is so unfair that they'd make you go to class the first week anyway. That's ok, I'll just drop all of my classes on Monday of the first week and then add from whatever's left on Friday that way I have a good excuse to skip the first week."
Anonymous Student Loses Hope for Hope Lottery Scholarship
BB: Sounds like a decent plan. You sound like an intelligent individual with lots of promise. How did you get yourself into this situation? ??: "I'm a victim through and through. I had this girl back home, and I left for UTM, and she went to a different college. We just kind of fell apart – I started drinking and going to parties and… I mean, I was really depressed. I just needed an outlet for depression - like dicking around by doing nothing all week but watching VH1 and jerking off until the weekend when I would drink myself into oblivion." BB: So basically you are that trite college freshman cliché I've heard a thousand times? ??: "Exactly. Wait, hold on, what?" BB: Are you sure you didn't waste too much time? Maybe you stayed on the Internet too much - I did notice you said "WTF" out loud a little while ago, which is actually a little sad. ??: "If X-box live Halo 2 counts then I only spend about 11 or 12 hours a day online, tops... holy shit - I haven't checked my Myspace PM's like like 2 hours." Continued on Page 3
Freshman Survival Guide 1. If you need any furniture, just drive around this town and look for left out couches and recliners that the citizens of Martin have thoughtfully left out on the side of roads for students. 2. If the first thing you do when you move into your dorm is hook up your internet, be sure to make enough friends throughout the semester so as to have plenty of help moving your stuff out once you’ve bombed all your classes. 3. Surprisingly, there’s a lot more to the library than just free movie rentals in the Media section. 4. Rummaging through your roommate’s stuff is a sign of affection and trust. After all, there’s no way they could have an accurate count on all of those cans of ravioli. 5. If you thought the ridicule you suffered in high school due to your enjoyment of playing Yu-Gi-Oh! was bad in high school, just wait until you bring those cards out around campus! 6. Even if you were able to fool your parents, the bottom line is this: a Sony PSP does NOT count as school supplies. 7. Now that you’re out on your own as a college student, it’s going to be important that you cut corners, work on your time management skills, and save money as rmuch as possible. We’ll get you kids started on the road to these great habits by informing you that Snape kills Dumbledore
Introduction Contunued... I suppose the whole point of this introduction is to give a little background and explain the aim of this independent newspaper. Well, this is going to be a parody newspaper and what you're reading right now may very well be the only sincere article that will ever appear in The Burning Book. Through this mode of tongue-incheek humor and observation, we intend to both entertain and inform the students about the campus and Martin. There you have it. It seems like explaining what we're doing with the paper may make it less funny, but we also feel that it's important that we clarify things right off the bat with what's going on in the first issue, such as the South rising again and a student losing his lottery scholarship. I mean, students actually losing their lottery scholarship and the South rising again is no laugh-
in the new Harry Potter book on page 606. See, you’ve already saved several hours and $20! 8. In case were bullied or received harsh treatment from the popular kids while in high school, rest easy now that you’re in college because those kids will be too busy with Rushing to join a fraternity, Homecoming, and Pyramid to bother with making your life more miserable! 9. You don’t actually have to take Freshman Studies. No one ever tells the freshman this.
Reading, Writing, and Ramen!
10. In case you’re a masochist with money, a lot of the same snacks and drinks you can purchase from vending machines around campus or the game room in the UC cost even more to buy from JW’s Market. 11. Freshman guys: We at The Burning Book wish you the best of luck in finding girls around here to date. Seriously. 12. Freshman girls: The only guys worth dating around here work at The Burning Book. Isn’t that just convenient? 13. That urine smell in the showers is actually a high-priced chemical compound UTM puts in the water to better clean its students.
14. Trust us on this one; drunkenly experimenting with your sexuality with your friends is a surefire way to get closer and more comfortable with your buddies. And yes, your ass does look great in those jeans. 15. The visitation rules on campus only apply to the Christians so as to give all the heathens and atheists the lion’s share of sexual activity in college. 16. Need to fully pay off your car or just happen to want a $1600 computer? Student loans are the answer for you! -The Burning Book Staff and Friends
ing matter and, while I'm on a serious roll here, there's a wealth of employment opportunities in Martin, parking's going to be great this year, and the Freshman Survival Guide in this issue is a most necessary and pertinent read for any new students here at UTM. Go Skyhawks! -Rory Higgins, Editor
The Burning Book Staff: Rory Higgins - Executive Editor Josh Breeden & Kelly Church - Layout/Design Editors Wesley Kinslow - Managing Editor
315 B University St. Martin, TN 38237 -HOURSTuesday Thru Sunday 11am -9pm
BB: I won't keep you much longer. Did you pass any classes last semester? ??: "Archery." BB: I heard of a guy who failed that once. ??: "That's pathetic." BB: Seriously - Any kind of game plan for turning this all around? Perhaps finishing your college career in under 5 years? ??: "Definitely. I plan on changing my major from engineering to undeclared - that should help a good bit. Plus I'm thinking that buying my books before finals would help out some. I know somefriends who did that and passed a class or two." BB: I'll let you get back to your ranting. Good luck with your next semester! ??: Thanks! I'm looking forward to redeeming myself and actually forging ahead as a model student this semester! Shortly after our interview the student was arrested and charged with causing a public disturbance and for "tomfoolery" which I'm pretty sure isn't even a legitimate charge. He is expected to appeal before the school board regarding this incident within the coming months. We at the Burning Book probably won't cover it. -Wesley Kinslow, Staff Reporter
THE SOUTH RISES...AGAIN Special Report by Steve Helgeson This morning the South rose again, briefly, before settling back down. Scientists are still scrambling to understand how this phenomenon, previously heralded by militant confederates stuck in a pre-electric past they never knew, can be explained. While patriotically secessionist t-shirts all throughout the once-confederate states have been declaring the coming second rise of the South for decades now, many are asking why science and the popular media haven’t also seen it coming.
On August 31st, 1774, Macho Man Randy Savage penned the Quebec Act of 1774.
“Rise of the South? How about the rise in gas prices!?” responded cab driver John Rizonni of New York City.
“It’s the Liberal Media! They been reportin on things like evolution and civil rights for so long, they done forgot about the rise in power of the South!” said semi-part-time pawn shop owner and state legislator Billy Calhoun Duke III, of Dixie, Georgia. Professor White, of the University of the South, had a different explanation. “The South has risen since the Civil War. With the advent of air conditioning and the control over presidential politics that the South now exercises, it is a wonder that no one has declared the South as risen until this morning.” When asked about the “The South Will Rise Again” shirts White declined comment.
This Day in History
because I live in Philly don’t mean I support Unions. I’m a Republican you know … oh, the Civil War? Was that the one with Jackson? What do you mean rise again? I haven’t taken history since high school, you know. No. I have never thought about it. Nope. Never.”
In Philadelphia reporters asked garbage man Bill Pulowski what he thought the Union felt about this new, sudden rise and subsequent fall of the South. “The Union? What do you mean? Just
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The rise comes at a time when North South relations have been relatively good. While the North still outspends the South on state programs such as education and health care, its manufacturing base that many say won it the Civil War is quickly moving overseas. This may be the prime opportunity that the South has apparently been looking for in its 140-year battle to rise once again and defeat the fast-talking Yankee carpetbaggers. While the South has come to be known as more well-mannered and polite than the Northern aggressors, it is clear that this is an ill-concealed attempt to lull the North into a state of ignorance, thus setting the stage for asecond rising. This morning’s rise was relatively short lived, however, and followed by yet another fall. Thankfully for the South, this rise and immediate fall did not cost them a whole generation of poor, young, white men. In fact, things are still pretty much the same down here as they were yesterday, only the short, confederate flag waving men wearing Southern Independence t-shirts are walking a little bit taller. They ought to be. They were right. The South did rise again.
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