Winter Survival Guide
SAY IT AIN’T SNOW
By Steve Neilans
After months of rotting away in the basement at Capen, it’s finally time to get the hell out of Buffalo. Lake Ontario will soon be covering the Queen City with a comfy blanket of lake effect snow, so you better get out before the 90 gets backed up again. I know a lot of you are probably holding back tears and wishing that there could be at least one more South Campus robbery, but I guess you’ll just have to settle with enjoying the safety that anywhere on the planet besides the Heights provides. Bummer. Life probably hasn’t changed too much since you’ve lived back home, but you may have troubles adjusting to life in the real world over the next few weeks. The following guide has been created to give you a few techniques and bite-sized tidbits to make sure you don’t walk into class on January 18th wondering where winter break went. So buckle up and be relieved that your survival over winter break doesn’t involve you spending the night with Bear Grylls or drinking your own urine.
Learn how to make rum balls – I love anything with chocolate in them, and I love anything when I have rum in me, which means that I really love these. These are pretty easy to make (just search “how to make rum balls” on YouTube) and don’t require any actual baking. It’s as if “drunk food” actually had alchohol in it!
think I could ever buy the Kinect because it seems like a souped up version of a Wii, but that’s what having friends is for. Gather a bunch of people who are uncoordinated and/or drunk and prepare to look like a total idiot. The games are pretty fun, and the action shots the Kinect takes are hilarious.
Take a tour of a local brewery – Your unhealthy drinking habits don’t have to end just because the school year is over. In fact, winter break offers a unique opportunity to hone your drinking techniques. There are a plethora of local breweries like Ellicottville Brewing Company or Southern Tier Brewing Company that offer tours to show how their brew is made. I know for a fact that Southern Tier Brewing gives a complimentary glass on their tour ($10) and probably 4 beers to test before it’s all said and done.
And then go sledding – Sledding always seemed like such an innocent winter pastime to me before I had my friends come along and mess everything up. Drunk sledding is definitely not for the faint of heart. It has been scientifically proven (lie) that a sober person falls off a sled 40% of the time. I have scientifically proven (truth) that a drunken person falls off a sled 100% of the time. Don’t be afraid to build jumps or perform ridiculously crazy stunts, you won’t have to worry about the pain until you gain consciousness from your drunken stupor. I’m starting to notice a scary trend of all my tips involving drinking… I think have problems. Well I guess it’s time that I include a few family friendly options for the few of you out there who can’t drink the big-boy pop yet.
Party at a gay bar and strip club on the same night – Now I know you are all questioning my heterosexuality right now, but hear me out. If you want to have one of the most epic nights of your life, you owe yourself to do this. A girl will never decline a guy’s request to go to a gay bar, and a guy will never decline a girl’s request to go to a strip club. Of course you could let your ego get in the way and not take part in the madness, but you will be missing out on partying with some of the craziest people ever. I can only dream of partying as hard as a gay person or a stripper, and nights like gay bar/strip club night inspire me.
Throw a Festivus party – The holiday for the rest of us. The commercialization of Christmas has ruined the holiday, so what better way to celebrate than a holiday created by a wildly popular syndicated television show? Festivus was originally introduced in the television show Seinfeld and has gone on to become one of the cult (in a good way) holidays of the year. Just buy an aluminum pole, air your grievances with the people, and perform feats of strength and you will be well on your way to having a Festivus miracle.
Two words: Snow. Football. – If partying at Marcellas isn’t your thing, then I’m guessing football is. The rules of snow football are simple. Find a flat road that has really high snow banks (like after a snowplow just went through) with streetlights. You’ll probably want to play this game later at night so you don’t want to deal with traffic, but that just means more time for pre-gaming. Split up into teams and play touch football in the street and tackle football into the snow banks. This is your time to unleash the rage you’ve been holding inside for failing that World Civilization final in the form of raw unadulterated violence!
Go Christmas shopping… after Christmas – You are a college student; you should never pay full value for anything. You must be as cheap as you possibly can. If you are buying Christmas presents for your parents or friends, tell them that you want to get them the best possible present and will shop for them when everything is priced down after Christmas. You will save money while you impress your parents with your money management skills.
Well that’s it. Take this knowledge with you and take pleasure in the fact that you are now a little wiser. I’ll see you next year when 2010 was then!
The Funny Version By Josh Q. Newman
The Jews have been the tragic and tangible targets of persecution throughout history. (Well, duh.) The Egyptians, the Assyrians, the Romans, the Crusaders, the Spanish, the English, the Nazis. You name it, they’ve hated them. Nowadays one would like to think that anti-Semitism is relatively under control, even unspeakable, but it’s alive and thriving in some parts of the world. Look no further than the president of Iran, who has continually denied the Holocaust and insinuated the destruction of Israel, and a prominent Swedish newspaper “Aftonbladet” that just last year published an article claiming IDF soldiers murdered Palestinian youths to sell their organs on the black market. Sadly, as much as people would like to think that anti-Semitism doesn’t exist anymore, it does. In “The Finkler Question,” Howard Jacobson’s new novel, the issue of anti-Semitism is brought up in the setting of modern day London. Specifically, Jacobson ties it in with Jewish identity and the current Palestinian debate. No one is spared from anti-Semitism. You’re either with the Jews or against them…and even if you’re a Jew, you might be against them too! The novel revolves around one elderly and two middle-aged Londoners. Julian Treslove, a former BBC employee, is what the Jews would call a putz. He’s a clueless, fumbling fool that goes from job to job and woman to woman. He’s the kind of guy people “thought twice about inviting… to a deathbed or a funeral.” His perchance for failure is balanced by the fact that he is remarkably handsome, so much so that someone mistakes him for Brad Pitt at a party. He is a friend of Samuel Finkler, one of the most anti-Semitic Jews in literature. A philosopher by trade, Finkler is opposed to basically anything Jewish. It’s not that he hates the Jews; it’s more that he hates the mentioning that Jews have been at any point the “victims.” He makes his living doling out selfhelp philosophy books like “The Existentialist in the Kitchen” and publically railing against Israel, so much so that he won’t properly pronounce the country’s name. They’re friends and former pupils of Libor Sevcik, an elderly Czech expatriate and Jew that was once a journalist covering Hollywood’s glory days. After dinner one night, Treslove gets mugged. That’s not uncommon in London’s rough streets but there were two things about it that drove Treslove mad. First, the mugger was a woman and second, Treslove swore that she said the word “Jew.” Treslove always flirted with the idea that he looked Jewish and after a considerable amount of thinking, he does what only a rational man would do and considers himself Jewish, too. Finkler, meanwhile, joins an all-Jewish anti-Israel group called the “ASHamed Jews.” Apparently, it’s not enough to be Jewish; you have to be ashamed as well. As Finkler deals with Treslove’s quest, he starts to doubt the rationale of his own. And Libor struggles with the death of his wife of fifty years, finding no solace in his religion or life. All three of them get swept away with
Become friends with someone who owns a Microsoft Kinect – Fairly self explanatory. I don’t 16 | ubgeneration.com
GENERATION December 7, 2010
Published on Dec 7, 2010