Shadchanim

By Yael Fensterheim

When the Bnei Yisroel stood at the edge of the Yam Suf, they didn’t know where to turn. Some wanted to daven, others wanted to enter the ocean, some wanted to fight the Egyptians and others to surrender. There were many opinions, and not a lot of clarity. In a certain sense, that description accurately captures the experience of shidduchim. It’s a confusing and challenging era of life during which parents and children are faced with an overwhelming array of possibilities. For some, the issue can be sifting through the many suggestions received, for others it can be trying to find any suggestion at all. Knowing which ideas to look into and how to get a shidduch off the ground can be a daunting task. Into this fray enters the shadchan, whose job it is to help people navigate through shidduchim. Inspired by the spirit of Nachshon, who entered the water with boldness and courage, shadchanim help start the process, encouraging everyone to get on board with a great idea. But their responsibilities don’t end there. Besides for suggesting ideas, shadchanim are often the ones who shepherd a couple from the first date to the finish line. Tact, wisdom, knowledge and an intuition for when to push people a bit are all part of the shadchan’s playbook. They expend time and effort trying to get singles together, cajoling parents, acting as therapists, mediators, event planners and more, all while juggling differing social mores and dancing through the most delicate scenarios.

Who exactly is a shadchan? For many, the term refers to a professional matchmaker, someone whose main job is attempting to get young couples together. However, while there is a certain level of professionalism and experience that a full-time shadchan provides, anyone who takes the initiative of setting up singles on a date is acting as a shadchan, with all the expected responsibilities and challenges. There have been many initiatives in recent years trying to get the general public to buy in on making more shidduchim, and the frum community, which places such a high value on marriage, has always been excited about redting shidduchim. However, both professional and “amateur” shadchanim come with their own pros and cons. Chani L. explained her feelings to me about using a professional shadchan versus being set up by a friend. “A friend usually knows you far better than a shadchan you met only once for ten minutes, and the ideas will often be far more on target. On the

other hand, shadchanim have way more experience helping people through the process than one of my friends would. If I am dating someone, and I want something communicated in a more delicate way or need advice on how to navigate a complex situation, I would often prefer to be working with someone who has experience acting as the intermediary between young couples.” Other singles who I spoke to have a distinct preference for one or the other. Shaya P. told me that he has learned that he only wants to hear from professional shadchanim and has no interest in crowdsourced ideas. “There are too many times that my mother tried to get me to give a yes to some idea she heard from someone she met at a wedding, or the woman who works at the linen store. ‘You never know where a shidduch comes from!’ is her motto, but I’m confident mine isn’t coming from the linen store, and a lady who never met me. I don’t have confidence that a random stranger knows me well enough and has the skills to handle a shidduch well. I like to work with people who have a lot of experience, and who will know how to help me through the process.” Whether the shadchan is an amateur or a professional, their job is usually not an easy one. Sometimes just suggesting an idea is enough, but often a lot more work is required. Meir J. shared his experience with me in setting up one of his friends. “I had a neighbor who I thought would be a good shidduch for my friend. When I mentioned it to him, he said I had to talk to his father. I called the father and was subject to a full KGB level interrogation, with the father cross-examining me on every question. He wanted every possible detail about the family: medical, financial, hashkafa and everything in between. I think he wanted to know which shtiebel in Krakow the girls great-great grandfather davened in. By the time we were done, I wasn’t sure any more about the idea. I definitely didn’t have the koach to deal with this father through the dating process.” Shadchanim often have to walk a tightrope. On the one hand, they have to advocate for their idea, trying to convince and cajole both sides if necessary. On the other hand, everyone in shidduchim dreads calls from the pushy shadchan, who aggressively markets their idea and refuses to take no for an answer. As Peretz D. tells me, “I dread the calls that start with the words ‘I’m not a pushy shadchan but…’ Those are always the pushiest shadchanim of all. They will literally hound you with phone calls until you have to hang up on them.” There are also the logistics of the date to consider. Very often, singles are not sure what to do or where to go on a particular date. The choice of venue can make a big difference in the dating experience, and a shadchan needs to be sensitive to the needs of the moment. Zev W. told me of an incident where a poorly planned date torpedoed a shidduch. “Things had started out well with a girl I was dating, but the fourth date had been a little stiff and awkward. The shadchan suggested I go to New Roc City, a place with arcades and games, to make things more fun and lighten up the dynamic. I later found out that this location was known among my friends from yeshiva as ‘the graveyard of all dates.’ After the date there, the girl declined to continue. She had thought I was immature and not serious, because she had wanted to discuss serious hashkafic topics and instead we had spent the night shooting basketballs, playing skeeball and trying to win enough tickets to buy a gigantic stuffed Koala. I don’t blame the person who set us up, since I think the idea wasn’t destined to go anywhere, but they really made things end much quicker by picking the wrong place for the date.” Ultimately, the most important role of the shadchan is their position as the communicator between the two sides. The whole shidduch system is an outgrowth of the frum community’s values of tznius and the imperative it places on strong Jewish families. The goal is to bring boys and girls together and let them get to know each other in a framework consistent with those values. As such, the shadchan must be able to help a young couple get to the point where the relationship can continue growing on its own in a healthy way. This involves a lot of tact, discretion, and knowing which questions to ask. As one professional shadchan tells me, “Some singles, especially the younger ones, often find it hard to express what they are feeling, if they are excited or worried, confused or curious. It’s not immediately clear what they mean when they give you feedback. Learning to understand what they really mean and how they really feel, and then to pass along the feedback in a productive way, is one of the main things I have had to work on in my career as a shadchan. You have to ask the right questions and truly understand the answers.”

To get a perspective on some of the unique challenges faced by professional shadchanim, I spoke to Bluma Woolf, a renowned shadchan from Lakewood. Mrs. Woolf has been

...They will literally hound you with phone calls until you have to hang up on them.”

a shadchan for many years and is part of Ohr Moshe, a program that focuses on arranging dates and coaching singles aged 25 and above. In our conversation, Mrs. Woolf highlighted some o f the elements of the shidduch process that present a challenge in her day-to-day work. Shidduch research is often defined by what questions people ask. Everybody has heard the hair-raising and bizarre questions that were asked in the past: do they use plastic tablecloths on Shabbos? At what age did the older brother have his tonsils out? These outlier examples just highlight how desperate people are for information, so that they can have clarity as to what type of family and situation they are getting involved with. However, despite the imperative and importance of gathering information, In Mrs. Woolf’s experience, the most important questions are often left unasked. This failure to communicate important information can lead to heartache down the road. “I wish that people would clarify their financial expectations before they go out,” says Mrs. Woolf. “If someone is expecting support or wants a spouse to have a certain type of career, all of those details should be clearly defined beforehand. If that’s going to be an issue, it isn’t fair for that to be dumped on the couple in middle of the process when things are starting to get serious.” Modern technology has transformed the way shidduchim are redt. Information flies between parents, shadchanim and singles at lightning speed, through texts, WhatsApp groups and emails. This change in the shidduch process has brought about another factor, one that has been the subject of heated controversy: the exchange of pictures of eligible singles. As Mrs. Woolf tells me, pictures have made her job more difficult. “Pictures in particular have become an accepted portion of the shidduch process and are part of our modern environment of information overload. However, I feel that they have done a lot of damage. Many people decline a date because of the picture, even though otherwise the match seems like a great opportunity, and if they would meet in person, they might really hit it off. I’ve had cases where someone said no because they saw a picture they didn’t like. A few months later they see a different picture that they like better and then they change their mind and agree to go out. That seems silly and superficial to me and I would love to change that.” The current accepted practice in the shidduch system is that the boy’s side agrees to a suggestion, after which the girl’s side is expected to respond within a few days. Mrs. Woolf thinks a tweak to this practice might lead to better results. “I would love if shidduchim could be redt simultaneously to both sides, to reduce the feelings of rejection that are experienced. It would be great if it could be that the boy’s family and the girl’s family are looking into each other at the same time, and that way there would be more ideas getting off the ground and rejection wouldn’t be as strong. It gives the opportunity for girls to do more research and saves the guy time. it would level the playing field in terms of opportunities

to get people out on dates, and make it understood that the rejection that people have to experience is a twoway street, not something that falls unduly on one side.” In summing up her experiences, Mrs. Woolf identifies one issue that stands above the rest. “One of the biggest obstacles I face in my job is when people have unrealistic expectations and demands in terms of what they are looking for in the shidduch world. Of course, every person is special and deserves to find their perfect match. But often, people get in their own way when they become fixated on certain perceived qualities that they feel they must have, and the things that they are searching for are not what they actually need. This leads to people sabotaging their own or their children’s shidduchim, as they stand in the way of what is realistic and healthy. I think people need to be more in touch with themselves, and to be honest about what they are looking for in a marriage partner. This attitude shift would help a lot of people.”

“I wish that people would clarify their financial expectations before they go out,”