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Just £1! Not available in Poundland though. Where’s the justice? The magazine of the podcast ‘Clever Little Pod’ at cleverlittlepod.com

No. 01

im to stick it. Latest news: news Scrolling news ticker broken. Cause unknown but may be due to being printed on paper. Fetish News: News Gordon Br

Join in our heartstopping Uri Geller challenge! Uri Geller is well-known for his amazing ability to bend spoons and re-start broken watches and clocks from thousands of miles away with just the power of his mind. It is rumoured he is also able to levitate small mammals and regurgitate milk, but we haven’t actually seen him do those on camera. So powerful is Uri’s brain, we want you to join in our exciting power-of-the-mind experiment to test whether we all possess Uri’s astonishing powers. At exactly 12 noon on Tuesday 1st July, we want you stare alternately at the above pictures of Uri and the heart, repeating the word ‘Stop!’. Repeat it over and over again in your mind until you’re sick of hearing it. It is thought that the combination of Uri, a heart and the word ‘stop’ may produce some kind of a reaction, although we have no idea what it might be.

Inside this month! De-motivational speaker Antony Bobbins inspires you to curl up in the foetal position and gorge yourself on midget gems. Check out what the stars hold in store for you this month! Fame and fortune or the usual guff about relationships?

Restaurant Review Michael Winner visits ‘MacDonald’s’ in Oxford Street. I’d heard about ‘MacDonalds’ from some showbiz pals. Apparently a lot of the young reality stars hang out here. Quite right! It seems a lively, youthful place. Too noisy for the likes of a grumpy old codger like me! After hovering around the entrance waiting to be seated for what seemed like an eternity, we eventually managed to attract the attention of a foreign member of staff with a broom. He gestured towards a table and we sat down. But not until I had discarded a small piece of lettuce that my wife had discovered on her chair! Tut tut – hygiene! After half an hour, and the absence of any menu, I went up to the counter to complain about the lack of service. They offered to take my order there and then, and so I began to peruse the wall-mounted fayre.

Of course, if it works, then Mr Geller’s powers will have been proven – posthumously! If not, then it proves it’s actually all bollocks.

Ignoring the menu (as is my right), I ordered a carafe of house white, two steaks done rare, and a side order of chipped potatoes.

My money’s on the second outcome, although my heart’s hoping for the first… what about you?

Imagine my horror when some ‘food’ arrived on a plastic tray without cutlery or condiments (continued on page 14)


Impossi-Crossi

Revision Tip for Students #20 Try to direct your eyes towards the page you are revising. This will ensure that you are able to see the words, which will drastically improve recall.

Across 1. Dangle soufflés on a crane. Ouch! (6) 4. Pompous wig looks daft on squirrel. (6) 9. Molested by Ant and Dec? Doubtful. (7,6) 10. Aunts really shouldn’t do it. (7) 11. To hurt badgers, wistfully. (5) 12. Gordon’s crap, we hear. Really? (5,8) 15. Thumbed directory. (5) 16. Nubile witches turn up gas. (7) 18. Bird’s nest resembles Bill Clinton. (13) 19. Shiny girdle. (6) 20. Defecate powerfully. No! (6)

Down 1. Marshmallows are fun aren’t they? (7) 2. Squeeze pus in direction of traffic flow (4,3,6) 3. Woven spaghetti (5) 5. Arthur Askey’s dog’s name. (7) 6. Real ale drinker? No thanks. (5,3,5) 7. Obese fornication. (5) 8. Goggle-eyed goon. (11) 13. Faint after biting one’s lip. (7) 14. Shizzle pizzle nougat plop. Nonsense? (7) 15. Chef vomits into curry. Bravo! (5) 17. Wincey Willis time zone. (5) Email answers to: gazuky@cleverlittlepod.com

Notes

This week’s Daily Mail headline answered! ‘Are we becoming a nation of uncaring narcissists?’ Er.. no.

If you still can’t see the words, you may be what is known as ‘short-sighted’. Try to cut down on masturbation. If you can normally see well, you may have just forgotten to re-open your eyes after blinking. For more study tips, go online with the best of intentions, get sidetracked by MSN and spend the rest of the evening viewing hardcore pornography. That degree’s as good as yours!

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Who Am I? Who is this internationally famous celebrity? To make the task of identification much more difficult, we’ve digitally obscured the star’s body. Can you guess who it is? Answers on a postcard to gazuky@cleverlittlepod.com.

This Month: Mary Mary Quite Contrary (Nursery Rhyme)

“Mary Mary…” A rather patronising start. Mary clearly has mental health problems, but the lyricist chooses to treat her like a child. Disappointing.

“…quite contrary…” Contrary to what? Popular belief? Medical advice? What!? We’re never told.

“…how does your garden grow?” Well I’m no Alan Titchmarsh, but I would hazard a guess at ‘upwards’.

“With silver bells…”

Wikipedia Accuracy Report. An occasional report on the provenance of a Wikipedia article. This week: Bumble Bees Identified inaccuracy: Bumble bees are simply ‘normal bees that are pissed and fat’. Dubious sourcing: One bumble bee can bring down a Boeing 747 if it flies into the wrong inlet (ref: Star Wars death star/tie fighter) Urban Myth Stated As Truth: A bumble bee generates enough energy to power a Babyliss hairdryer for one month. Evidence of Entry Sabotage: “Famous offspring of bumble bees include Woody Allen, Dr Ruth and Robin Williams.”

Silver bells? In the garden? I give them 5 minutes before some thieving scally makes off with those. What is Mary thinking of keeping silver outside? She should take a leaf out of Lawrence LlewellynBowen’s book (Woolies, 99p) and dangle some tinfoil-wrapped potatoes on twine. They’ll look utter shite, but at least they won’t get nicked.

“…and cockle shells…” Fair enough. But wash them out first or you’ll have every seagull within 20 miles crapping on your patio.

“…and pretty maids all in a row.” WTF? I didn’t see that one coming. Let’s get this clear; are these maids permanent features in the garden? Let’s hope Mary hasn’t cemented their feet in like fence-posts. Because if she has, the chances are that she’s completely lost it and coated them in creosote too. As if maids haven’t got it rough enough! Cleaning loos, making beds – and now acting as garden ornaments, stinking of cockles and having to listen to those bloody bells all night. If I were them, I’d contact their union rep. If he’s not standing in the pond with a fishing rod, that is…


The

Honest Horoscope with Harold and Horace xx

You know it’s bullshit. We know it’s bullshit. But still you hang on our every word. Capricorn You’re a bit of a mess, aren’t you Capricorn? Well, never mind. Chances are that you’ve shacked up with a Leo, who fortunately don’t mind if their partners are a bit of a minger. Try to have a shave, though. You’ll feel better for it and the neighbours kids won’t be afraid when they bump into you down the newsagent’s.

Aquarius Unlucky in love Aquarius! Next week sees you start dating a surgeon who specialises in sex change operations. You’ll end it, though, when he starts giving you the willies.

Pisces Jupiter is in the ascendancy this week. Yes, Holst’s best-known piece has climbed to number 5 on the Classic FM chart, which is your green light to do something spontaneous, Pisces. Sing a song, dance a dance, or go on-line and order that patio furniture you’ve had your eye on. Sunday sees disappointment in relation to livestock.

Aries With the Moon in its third quarter next week, your constipation should ease at last. Full of energy, vitality, and with a new shiny coat, you realise you’ve been eating dog biscuits by mistake instead of high-fibre cereal. A visit to the cashpoint will bring money on Tuesday.

Taurus You’ll never be truer to yourself than you will this month, Taurus. While Capricorn may be half unicorn and half Ford Capri, Scorpio may be half scorpion and half Pinnochio, and Virgo may be half virgin and half Lego, you Taurus, are all bull.

Gemini Burying your head in the sand, Gemini, is stupid and childish. Build a sandcastle like everyone else. But before you do, take time out to relax – you’ve been very stressed lately. Take a leisurely cruise to the Azores, or perhaps a luxury trip to a health spa. Or, if you’re very poor, treat yourself to a nice drink of Horlicks in an unchipped mug. There! All better!

Cancer The answer to the expression ‘Has the cat got your tongue?’ is in the affirmative for you on Monday due to an accident with a manual tin opener, a can of Whiskas and a hungry moggie. Cancerians are good at embracing change, however, and so you should adapt quite easily to your new life as a mute. Don’t go out on Wednesday; it speaks of rain.

Leo That novel you’re reading, Leo - put it away. You’re wasting your life. Especially as it’s a Jeffrey Archer. Take up a hobby instead. Leos are very good at pottery, painting and pillow fights, but tend to struggle with thermonuclear physics. Thursday brings disappointment when a close friend reveals his impotence.

Virgo What can we say, Virgo, that hasn’t already been said? Well, ‘hip-hop skillywooble’ perhaps…

Libra It’s a month of extremes for you, Libra. Friday sees a meeting with a very nice couple with whom you’ll feel comfortable enough to share your deepest darkest secrets. Unfortunately, they’ll both be dead by the following Wednesday. Still, at least were able to unburden yourself before they popped off. Thursday sees you find comfort with crayons.

Scorpio A visit to Pizza Hut next Saturday ends in disaster when you lose a contact lens in the boiled egg trough at the salad bar. On a more positive note, that awkward rash you’ve been nursing will clear up, allowing you once again to orgasm fully without wincing. Your lucky flower is the poppy.

Sagittarius A militant wing of ‘Friends of the Earth’ kidnaps you on Friday for extravagant use of a patio heater. Don’t worry, though. You’ll be back by Sunday, just in time for the Antiques Roadshow. Next week, a new friend wants you to pull their finger. Don’t.


LOSE WEIGHT NOW! Scientists claim a radical new approach to weight loss with 100% success rate. It’s an old joke. You step on the ‘speak-yourweight’ machine and it says ‘One at a time please!’. But here’s the thing: what if it says ‘No blue whales’? It’s an increasingly common occurrence in shopping centres across the land.

EASTER FUN DAYS Bored for something to do this Easter holiday? Stuck in the house because of poor public transport infrastructure? Then why not bring the family along to the West Coast Mainline Engineering Works!

But now, boffins have developed two solutions to unsightly obesity that, in combination, will turn you from a bulky landmass that appears on ordnance survey maps, to a normal, everyday person who doesn’t have to lobby Tesco to increase the width of their aisles. First of all, they have developed ‘Less’ – a unique approach to food consumption that tricks the body into shedding weight. Eating ‘Less’, the scientists claim, prevents the build up of fatty-deposits accumulated from chips, burgers and crisps because – quite simply – they’re not being eaten in the first place. It’s a radical idea, but it seems that in tests, it really does work.

Conveniently scheduled for yet another public holiday, this fun event is scheduled to last from Good Friday to Easter Monday, and is likely to overrun until Tuesday! The kids will love this unique opportunity to play on the tracks without any danger of a train coming along to spoil the fun! So get yourself along to the West Coast Mainline Engineering Works today! After all, you can’t go anywhere else, can you!?

CLIPART on crack Genuine clipart that’s bizarre, unfathomable and often very disturbing!

However, to be fully effective, ‘Less’ needs to be combined with a drug that is undergoing a resurgence in popularity: ‘More Exercise’. Despite several side effects – temporary breathlessness, sweating and a higher than normal pulse-rate, ‘More Exercise’ has been clinically proven to improve appearance through weight loss (although this can be undermined by an unwise choice of lycra.) So it seems the solution is clear. To turn yourself from a tubby, bloated, zeppelin of a person into someone for whom a sun-lounger is still a realistic proposition, eat ‘Less’ and take ‘More Exercise’. Who’d have thought it?

No.1:

‘Toga Baby Crying’ Imagine the scenario. You’re employed as an artist for a software firm. You’ve been asked to draw a baby for a clipart package. So what do you clothe him in? Nappies? Dungarees? Swaddling? Er – no. A toga. And not just any toga, but one that seems to resemble a glove. Add to that a red-faced clone of Rainbow’s zippy and an upper torso that resembles that of the Borg queen from Star Trek and you have one truly disturbing piece of clipart. Mummy!!


‘Smile Your Way to Happiness!’ …says US motivational guru Anthony Bobbins. ‘When was the last time you smiled? Go on, think about it! It’s probably been a few weeks, hasn’t it? Unfortunately, that’s the way of the world at this present time. Thousands of ordinary, unremarkable working class people, just like yourself, living out their humdrum, washed-up existence without so much as a smirk or a titter. I feel your pain. It’s hard to imagine now, but I was like you once. Unhappy. Downtrodden. Mortal. Until one day, I had an epiphany. Friends said it was piffle, but it wasn’t. It was definitely an epiphany. I was working as a GP in a rather run-down part of the country, and so encountered pain, suffering and death on a daily basis. Desperate characters would come in with a whole host of minor ailments, from strange rashes caused by cheap shell-suit fabrics to simple, plain ugliness. It was my job to inform them of their fate – and all too often it was bad news. After taking a deep breath, I would look up at them, my face fixed with a grim expression, ready to deliver news that would destroy their lives. I would say my piece, and then sensitively hand them a piece of Bounty kitchen roll as they flooded the room with tears and sadness. It was heart-breaking and frankly pathetic. So one day, I decided to try a different approach. I conjured up something I would never have dreamed of before; a smile. It was a smile so big, that every single one of my pearly-white teeth was on glorious display. A smile so big that I got cramp in my cheeks. And a smile so big that once, an elderly patient thought I was about to go for her neck. And it worked. Every patient visibly relaxed. Looks of concern turned into looks of joy. Furrowed brows transformed into carefree temples. And tears of sadness evaporated into smiles of relief. My smile had brought happiness to the weak and the sick! An atmosphere of joy and wonderment that would otherwise have never occurred! And only then did I tell them their piles would need an operation. Shakespeare once said ‘A smile’s as good as a wink to a dead pig.’ I have no idea what that means, but surely it can only be a good thing. ‘Smile and your heart smile’s with you’ sang Shirley Bassey. Or was it Bono? Whoever it was, I think we can all learn one very important message: that the gift of a smile is priceless. What’s not priceless is my new book ‘The joy of a smile: Go on, show them your teeth’ which is part of my ‘warm and fluffy’ series of self-help guides. They’re available from my on-line shop now at the very reasonable price of $2699.99. Order today – and don’t forget to be smiling when you do so! I know I will be!’


Have Your Say The Royal Horticultural Society has launched a competition to find Britain’s most beautiful vegetable. Sid the Carrot tells us why he thinks this is food fascism.

“Look – I’m a realist. I know that eventually I’m going to end up in some kind of stew, or a smoothie, or occasionally splattered onto a pavement at around midnight. It’s perfectly OK for the likes of Jamie Oliver to get people to eat us vegetables – that’s why we’re here after all - but in the same breath he’s advocating the cruellest form of food fascism: selection based on looks. I mean, if I was to go to the food buyer for Sainsbury’s and say ‘Hey Mister! Pick me! I’m orange, I taste nice and I’m not coated in chemicals’ he’d say ‘Sorry, Mr Carrot, you’re too hairy’ or ‘you’re bent’ or ‘you’re too gnarled and bobbly’. And that’s just hurtful and discriminatory. It seems to be one rule for one, and a different one for another. Take ginger, for example. They’re all bobbly and deformed aren’t they? But do they get discriminated against? Oh no. And why not? Because they’re a bit exotic aren’t they. Much more middle class. Not like us common garden carrots, oh no. You don’t find ugly carrots in Waitrose, let me tell you. Victims, we are. Bloody victims. I blame Warner Bros myself. I mean, did you ever see Bugs Bunny pull a twisted-looking carrot out of the ground? Or one shaped like a penis? I don’t think so. Just think of the impact that could have had on the attitude of future generations towards mis-shapen fruit and veg. It was a missed opportunity. All I can say is, thank goodness for Esther Rantzen. Because when the rest of the world were denying our existence, she was there, treating us with sensitivity and understanding on her campaigning TV show ‘That’s Life’. Until then, no one had any idea that there were potatoes in the world that were the spitting image of Duncan Goodhew. She broke down the taboos, and it is for that that we will be eternally grateful.” Sid was talking to Nina Nannar.

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Middle Class Graffiti

READER OFFER ‘The Plate That Taste Forgot’ MassMass-produced in the Far East, the ‘Plate That Taste Forgot’ is a stunning example of the gullibility of Daily Mail readers. ‘Collectible’ in the sense that it can be taken away in a wheelie bin, the plate comes with its own stand so it can be positioned to face the wall when you have important visitors. The plate carries special marks marks on both sides, caused not by skilled craftsmen, but by metal rollers as the plate trundled along the factory conveyor belt. This unforgettable piece can be yours for the tidy sum of £349.99, payable in 10 easy monthly instalments. Next month: A Tupperware Tupperware lid on a spike.


The UK Digital TV Switchover The UK is switching over to digital TV by 2012, resulting in thousands of pensioners frantically spending their life savings on wide-screen HD TV sets when they only need a £30 set top box from Argos. Digital TV is a far superior experience to analogue, however, as when reception is poor you get little blocky things on the screen instead of nasty old-fashioned snow. Plus you’ll have some extra wires to show off too – as well as an extra box to dust on top of the set and yet another remote control! Confused? Yes. Well don’t worry, because we’ve put together a list of frequently asked questions that Jamie who’s on work experience came up with. He’s young and into computers, so he must know what he’s talking about. And don’t forget – if by some remote chance your TV does go on the blink on switchover day, you’ve always got that board-game you bought for Christmas and never used. Don’t worry anyway. Read our pamphlet. Take a chill pill. Relax. It’s all going to be OK

Why are we switching to digital? We just are. OK? What kind of digital TV will be available in my area? Oh you know. The same old shite that you get now. Just more of it really. Will radio be changing over at the same time? Don’t be daft. Why have all this disruption once when it can be repeated all over again in a few years time? I live in the Border, Granada or Tyne Tees TV region and haven’t received a pamphlet. What should I do? Don’t panic. First of all, contact a local estate agent. He or she will be able to help you begin the process of moving to the South where things are generally more advanced. If I don’t do anything, will I lose my TV? Yes. Council-employed weasels will scurry through your letterbox and carry it out the back door when you’re not looking. How much will it all cost? Don’t be vulgar. Don’t you want a clearer picture? Everything has a price you know. Can I get help with buying a new compatible TV? Of course. Ask Mr Stebson from number 48 and he’ll help you carry it from the car. Will I still be able to receive Alan Titchmarsh on my set after switchover? Yes. We’re sorry about that. There’s nothing we can do.


Show Notes for Clever Little Pod Show 36 Music Featured on Show 36

The ‘Clever Little Pod’ Theme

CLP Acknowledgments

Jill Stevenson – Where We Are Not

Our theme is ‘Holy Roller’ by Yamasaki, used with kind permission.

MP3 files hosted by libsyn.com Sound effects by Freesound and soundsnap.com Website hosted by Webfusion With thanks to reactionpt.co.uk

(Source: Podsafe Music Network at music.podshow.com)

Originally from Denver but now living and working in New York, Jill Stevenson blends folk, RnB, funk and pop into a unique sound. Visit her site at jillstevenson.com Scott Andrew – More Good Days

Yamasaki’s music seamlessly blends jazz, soul and big beat breaks into tracks that seriously make you want to get up and groove along with the beats. Yamasaki can be found at myspace.com/yamasakijazz and at criminalrecordz.com Podcasts Promoted on this Episode

(Source: Podsafe Music Network at music.podshow.com)

Rhodders FM

Acoustic pop performer Scott Andrew is a well-respected singer-songwriter from the USA.

Rhodders FM is an Internet radio station that also releases shows as follow-up podcasts.

Visit his site – including regularly updated blog – at scottandrew.com

Always funny and entertaining, Rhodders FM has energy and enthusiasm rivalled by no other show. Features such as ‘What a Whizzing Wheeze’ and interviews with quality guests such as Sir Jackie Stewart and Jonty from Big Brother will have you coming back for more.

Douglas Furs – Russia (Source: Virb.com/douglasfurs)

Chris, Nick, James and Dom form the Douglas Furs, an alternative indie rock band from Birmingham, UK. Check out their blog at douglasfurs.wordpress.com and also their MySpace at myspace.com/douglasfurs Kevin MacLeod – Startling Violins / Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy Check out Kevin’s music at www.incompetech.com

Check out Rhodders FM at rhodders.com Living a Second Life A relatively recent addition to the podosphere, Living a Second Life gives you an insight into the locations and experience of the immensely popular ‘Second Life’ world. Check it out at http://tdrury.libsyn.com

Clever Little Pod recommends… Comedy Podcasts Hosk’s Half Hour The North South Divide The Absolute Peach Punky Radio Rhodders FM Kidscast UK Topical Pish!!! Music Podcasts It’s a Frog’s Life Acoustic Podcast Suffolk ‘n’ Cool PC Podcast Worlds of Wayne Red Light Zone / Planet Parsons DJ Andy Pearce Mixes Other Podcasts Podquiz Living a Second Life The Absent Bluenose A Minor Technicality Comedy Publications Mustard (mustardweb.org) CLP On the Net gazuky.net gazilla.wordpress.com (blog) topicalpish.com bugroff.net myspace.com/cleverlittlepod Facebook groups Clever Little Pod Topical Pish Let’s Do Something Daft! Campaign for the end of Wordart Usage in Documents


Clever Little Pod 36 – Behind the Podcast This magazine gives me the opportunity to give you some background to the items in the podcast that never gets on the show because it’s not in audio blog format. Getting audience feedback from the audience is a big deal for podcasters, which is why I chose it as a subject for the faux-rant against the audience in the show. CLP has never been the most interactive podcast, but there has always been a steady trickle of appreciative emails, comments (when the old blog-based site was up) and listeners willing to contribute their voices to some of the sketches. The tough thing to find out is how closely the show is listened to. Download figures only show how many shows have been put onto a computer or mp3 player – they don’t show whether someone has actually listened to the show. And what do people enjoy the most? Does the music or comedy regularly get skipped over? What music do people enjoy? How many tracks per show? These are all important things for the podcaster to know. The audience for CLP has stayed fairly constant over its life, for which I am grateful as I realise the show has become very unreliable in terms of regularity of shows. It’s something I can’t control, unfortunately, as I can only spend the time on it I have – and I do run a business as well. Perhaps if this mag sells well, I’ll be able to give up the day job! Who knows? (And I wasn’t really having a go at my listeners!!!) The ‘Finance Fairy’ spoof advert came from my hatred of those immoral loan companies and their targeting of debt-laden people to further line their pockets. Their adverts are designed to con people into believing they exist for the good of the people, when nothing could be further from the truth. Their smiley-faced adverts encourage people into a lifetime of debt from which they can never escape, and rely on the public’s ignorance of what interest rates of 30% actually mean in real terms. Lower repayments are sold as a ‘good thing’ without any thought of the huge amounts of interest and long payment terms that result. Like the Finance Fairy says – wave a magic wand, and everything will be fine. Except that it won’t. Getting out of debt is painful. And no commercial organisation will help you do it effectively. Blimey! Who’d have thought a comedy show could be so serious!! The last sketch is a comment on the current hysterical attitude to plastic bags as the world’s biggest evil. Yes, plastic bags are bad for the environment – but we’ve known this for years. But now the Daily Mail has jumped on board, old ladies will have to carry their shopping home in their arms, like some twisted version of doubleor-drop. (Reference for the over thirty-fives, there. Altogether – Crackerjack!!) I was really pleased with the music on show 36. Jill Stevenson’s track ‘Where We Are Not’ was a much quieter track than I normally start the show with, but I loved the melody and lyrics, and the tune is bright and happy, which is important for the start of the show. Scott Andrew’s track had already been played on a short CLP Special I did as a birthday treat for a loyal listener, and I enjoyed it so much that it found its way into the main show. It’s a very upbeat, positive track, typical of the genre that fits the show perfectly. The Douglas Furs are from here in Birmingham, and so it’s great to once again be supporting a local band. Perhaps not the kind of thing I’d normally play, but recent shows have stayed within a few narrow genres, and so it’s good to be branching out (excuse the pun). Every few shows there is one that is an absolute pig to write – where the ideas don’t flow, pages remain blank and stared at, and the clock ticks on with absolutely nothing to upload. That was the case with show 36, and so I’m glad it’s finally up and out there where you, the listener, can listen and decide whether it was worth the trouble. Don’t ask me – it’s impossible to be objective about the stuff you’ve written until many months later. Thanks for your interest and support, and I hope to see you back for show 37 – already being planned with a superb track from the excellent German artist ‘eto’. All comedy material © 2008 Gary Dring. Clever Little Pod is an independent comedy and music podcast, available for free from http://www.cleverlittlepod.com You can subscribe from iTunes or any feed aggregator software using the feed address http://feeds.feedburner.com/cleverlittlepod Please direct any queries regarding this magazine to gazuky@cleverlittlepod.com The next issue will be out with show 38.

Clever Little Mag  

One-off issue of a webzine to accompany the 'Clever Little Pod' podcast.

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