Today is may 22 07 This is my thoughtson what occurred between me and a girl and a friend of mine. It started a moth or two ago when me and my friend david took some cookies to a friend of his. I didn’t know why he wanted to take the cooklies to her. Maybe she was sick. I had no idea. wE ran over in his suburban to the aopertment complez where she lived. We saw her outside of the clubhouse and david got out of the car to give he the cookies. I too wanted to meet this girl because I could tell from the passenger seat that this girl was attractive. I got out and joned dave and her. There wasn;t much said but we were introduced and I learned that her name was jaelyn. I thought she was really cute. She took the cookieds said thanks and that was about it. Me and dave got backing the car. I immediately said” I thnk shes cut” I ‘d like to get to know her” maybe I I daid see heragain but I;m not sure. Dave didn’t comment bery much after I said that. I notice his reaction and took kote of it not really understaning why he acted that way. Well days past and I saw her again. I would see her only with dave. Me and dave would hang out all the time we would do everything together. When we owould talk of girls I would slist names of girls I had thought about pursuing. Jaelyn was always one of them. And still I got a strange feeling from dave. Well I only say her a few times. But I wanted to see her more. I dindd;t want to rush it either cause that’s just unattractive. I started to realize by seeing dave frequently with haeklyn that he might have feelings for he. So I would ask him if that was the case. He would always respond with no no were gjust friends. I wouls ask him at times are you sure? He would say yeah. I was glad because that meant that I could go ahead and persue jaelyn. But I didn’;t I still felt that dave had feelings for her. I didn’t make any efforsort to see her. That way dave could have the playing field all to himself without any interference. Well weeks passed and I would see he off and on. And we would text eachother nothing serioud. Just for fun. Turns out that she wasn’;t really into dave so he was getting frustrated with the whold thing, me and hae weren’t anyhitng close. When I realized that dave was getting fed up with the whole situation. I asked him if I could try to hook up with hjae he said go for it. So I did. She was in the park one day and I had something to deliver to her. So I met her in the park. I wasn’;t going to stay long cause I had a datye with another girl. Me and jae got to talking and I ended up staying tfor three house with her. Making my stelf lakte for my date tith the other dirl. I went on that date but the whole time was spent texting jae. I felt bad. But jae was the girl I had wanted all along. A few days pass and dave gets more and more irritaded that me and hjae are hitting it off so well. Shes always busy so it’s hard at time s to see her. But we see eachother. We have late nights together . we visist earchothe wehhen we can. I was exicted. I found her attractive and funny. A plearuse to be with. She had a hard time going deep though. One night we were in her car just holding hands. I was careesiong her neck. But this time I had contemplated kissing her. I hadn’t done it yet but I wanted to. For me a kiss means some sort of commitment. For her id does;nt. I had tried to kiss he the night before but she turned away. I was caressing her neck and I could tell that there was somethingon her mind./ I wanted more thatn anything for her to tell me what was going on. I fin that truest is extremely important to me. And I feel that I am trusted odr that the person rather trusts me when they go deep with me. When they say the things that they really fell. It took a lot of coaxting to for her to say what she wanted to me. She told me “ I don’t thinkg you should like me” when me and her talkted in the park she
hasd shaered with me a past expreriance with a boyfriend of hers. A break up where in she was left without a reason why. He ahd breoken up with her and she didn’t know why she was bent on it . she cuoldn’;t let it go. And that night she explained to me that she didn’t whant to get heurt and she didn’t want to hurt me. She said she was worried that we sould onlt last three weeks. I could see the problem that was going on inside her. But honestyl if she had never told me about it I would have never known she is always happy always beusy and I think now that it is just a front. I comforted her that night. I held her in my arms and told her that it wasn’;t her fault I told her that if I wanted to like her that was my fault and that if somethingbad happened theny it would just have to be worked out. She said that she didn’t whatnt me to be attached to her. But it was too late I had already grwwon attached to her. I saw in her things that I found desirable. No she wasn’t perfect, far from it. But I dcould see that it would work out. That’s what I thoughta and so I gave her my affection and attention. That night I kissed her. She in turn kissed me back. I was on the top otf the world. We saw eachother the next night and we made out on her couch. It was an incredible experience for me. But after I went hiome it wasn’t the same for her. We talked that night for maybe more thatn an hour. About us about her and the meaning of things. We contiunurd to see eachouth ti think for about two weeks. But the whole time that I grew attacted to he I never felt the same attactment from her. It was like I was holding my hand out hoping for her to do the same but she never would. I felt like I had to cling to her extra tight because she was putting no effort in clinging to me. I because freainged and frusterated with tht situation. Being with her. Having her in my arms was awesome and exilreating but when she was away I was doubtful jeolous and suspicios,. I coul’dnt trust her because she made no commitment to me. She would tell me that I mean aomsthing to her. But I never really understuood what it was that I actually ment to here. Se said best friend and that brought nouthing but disappoint ment and onfusion. If we were best friends why did she kiss me. Well I wanted to know how to remedy thins I wanted us to be equall in affection. But I didn’t know how. I started to do a little research to get indormation from trusted sources. My brother and his wife were excellent infuences but my dad hand his wife were the best people I could have talked to ion this subject. As it turns out my dad wacts the same wat that I do when it comes to the women we care for . he went through exactly the same thing that I didi. Heis wife angela is similer in mayn aspecets to hjae lyn. Angela went through a veryu tough diverce. And because of that she closed up. Could’nt trust guys could n’t make that commitment that would perpetuate aany sort of meaning ful relationship. She would see guys but she couldn’t keep em she wsa in this place that she had no idea she was in. she thought everything was fine. It took along time for her to realixe that was going on. She was hiding from the pain and from the issue covering uit up by seeing all these different people. Byut the issue never went away.. I’m not sure at what point my dad came into view with this whole situation but he told me that he felt as I did drained and frustrated. He got over it by trusting God with the situation. Just putting it in His hands. Angela finally did get over her problem. She realized what it was and made steos to get over it. It was a long process. But now angela nad my dad have a great relationship. No marriage is perfect but they are doing well.i saw many of the saveme things in my dads and angelsas case as I did with hjaelyns and mine. U also saw patertners in many of my other friends. Specifically the females. How wthey would get hurt ofver a guy and then close up and not open not trust again. It breakkes my heart and really pisses me off to see that happen.
I mean I aget ireate just thinking about it. I wish people would just love eachother and take care of eactother. I hate this. Anyway I wanted to apply my dads case to mine and I explained one night to jae the things that I had learned and she told me that she was fine. I just dunno if that’s true. Manythings with these subconscious issues the person how is actuall in it does that see that they are. I ccould be wrong with jaelyyn but the evidence says that im not. Granted every situation is unique and different. But this one has all the signs that point to it. She addmited to not being about to get over gave. She cried when she tols me that she didn’t thinkg I should like her,. And that she didn’t want to get hurt or to hurt me. She admitted that there as a wall there. I know it’s true and it’;s hard. That night I ex[plained to her everything I learned. Was the night that we stopped dating her. That night and follinwing day I workd ed to get over her . I had truly cared about her. I was doing my research not for me. But for her. I wanted her to be happy and I had some not all of the tools that were needed. I cared for her The interesting thing is that once she said that we sould date other people. I really got hurt I was really pt out and sad. This is tough I see and uunderstand peoples tendanceyies to close up now bebecause today I really wanted to . I considered it but I woun;t let this take me down. It is hard to put yourself out on a limb sfor someone nad have everything that you do and feel be completely disredarded. I can’t blame jae. I don’t thinkg she fully understands. I hope and pray that she will be aboel to get rid of the wall get over ggabe and truly love again. I wich it was me that shw could love but . that s not up to me. I think she will always be special to me. I don’t really understand wyh. I hope its not some sorty of infatuation. Just a cruch kinda thing. I learned many lessons from this many things that I don’t woant to forget. I made her valuable. I madder her important I madder her special to me. I thinank my Heavenly Father for this experience it has really taught me some wonderful things. and craxy enough it’s not over yet. This story is n;t finished. Whats going to happen in the futre. Will me an hae be able to continue as friends. Will she wone day open up. What is going to happen. I dunno. What do I want now? I dunno this adventure is still push ings path through life. Lets pray for a happy ending.
Published on Mar 1, 2012