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Table of Contents 1. NatGeo

2. This Page

3. That Page

4. Respect Your Mama . . .

5. . . . Or Lord Have Mercy

Volume CVI, Number 3 Spring 2015

S TA F F

Nico Pigg . . . . . . . . . . . Famous On LinkedIn Daphine Zhao . . . . . . . . . . . . . PodCastaway

Andrew Keating . . . . . . Other Other Marx Brother Phil Wachowiak . . . . . . . . . . . . Post-Med

Neal Jackson . . . . . . . American 360QuickScooper

6. Have You Checked?

7. Art For Grown-Ups

8. Still For Grown-Ups 9. We Tried

10. Back Off, Peasants 11. Lightning Round

12. Investigative Photography

13. Investigative Drunkenness

Alex Boscolo . . . . Still Hasn’t Seen Twelve Years A Slave

14. Blast From The Past

E.A. Chavis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . “youtuber”

16. Twitter.com

Mike Flynn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Flynnsanity

18. Who Even Knows

Gillian Golden . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0g Trans Fat

20. Do It Like The Romans

Ellen James . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . James Ellen

22. Also Page Fourteen

Ben Leigh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bop’em Socker

24. The End

Courtney Carroll . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Toyota Carroll, a

15. Page Fourteen

Luke Collard . . . Spontaneous Human Combustion Scholar

17. Everybody Knows

Sydney Glide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Friction Scholar

19. Need Somewhere To Live?

Alexander Hoffman . . . . . . Looking For His Hoffwoman

21. Don’t Even Try

Jeremy Kruman . . . . . . . . . . . . Smooth Death Metal

23. One Hard Baby

James Mackin . . . . . . . . . Modern Day Cave Artist

Caleb Nusbaum . . . . . . . Newt Crawling Out Of A Frog

Chalse Okorom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . On/Off Broadway Chris Seeman . . . . . Not Gonna Make The Obvious Joke

Max Shooster . . . . . . . . . . . “Shoot To Kill Shooster”

Direct all complaints, comments, submissions, and proclamations to

The Gargoyle 420 Maynard Ann Arbor, MI 48104

gargmail@umich.edu Visit us at: www.gargmag.com

Copyright © Gargoyle Humor Magazine 2014


Tyler Perry’s House of Inner Pain By Caleb Nusbaum

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yler Perry was in high spirits. His latest stage project, Madea’s Neighbors from Hell, had netted him a cool $20 million in revenue, his beautiful infant son Aman was peacefully asleep, and the uplifting words of Psalm 121 were dancing in his mind. He put on his fuzzy velvet slippers and embroidered lime green nightgown, and was about to retire to bed when he heard a series of impatient knocks at his front door. “Who could that be at the ungodly hour of 8:30,” he muttered to himself. As he trudged down the stairs the knocking grew more intense. Perhaps it was one of those nice kids from Philadelphia that he had taken to Disney World a few years back, all grown up and anxious to thank him for his kind charity. However, through the high window he saw that whoever was knocking had silver, purple-tinted hair in curls. “Gosh, kids must be growing up faster than I remember,” Tyler said with a chuckle. “Open that damn door before I keel over of heat stroke” shouted the person standing in the Perry family doorway. Tyler thought they sounded rather old and… unafraid to speak their mind. Nervous, he walked to the door, flung it open, and was greeted with a sight at once familiar and alien. He stood transfixed in the foyer, utterly speechless. “Fool, don’t you recognize your own mother?” said the old woman on the porch. She stared at Tyler for a few seconds before slapping him upside the head with her purse, snapping him out of his trance. “M…Madea?” he croaked, still hardly able to believe his own eyes. “Heller, how ya dern? That’s right. I’m comin’ over early for Christmas. Now walk me to the couch and get me a glass o’ bourbon.” “B-but it’s January! And I do-” “And don’t gimme no lip,” Madea retorted, brandishing her cane. Tyler obeyed, guiding Madea to the living room couch, where she sat down. “Quit

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flappin’ ya gums and give me some peace and quiet, or imma have to get sassy,” Madea shouted belligerently. The severity of that last word was all Tyler needed to hear. He had caught a glimpse of the handgun in Madea’s purse. He quietly retreated to his room and tried to make sense of the situation. “How could this be happening,” he asked, not truly expecting an answer. Maybe it was like that movie with Queen Latifah, where everyone thought Will Ferrell was fictional but he turned out to be real. No, that was impossible. Madea was Tyler’s creation, and he knew it. He must have gone overboard on leftover Christmas ham, that’s all. He resolved to get a good night’s sleep, and the problem would solve itself. His reverie was interrupted with a call from downstairs. “Tyler! Come help your frail old mother up off the terlet!” As unsavory as it sounded, Tyler could not help but to indulge Madea’s request. He trepidly entered the bathroom, where Madea waited expectantly. “Oooooh, my hip! Lord have mercy!” she cried. “Whatchoo waitin’ for? Get over here and help me!” In that moment, something deep inside Tyler snapped. “No,” he replied. “I will not help you off the toilet. How can I, you don’t even exist!” “Oh Lord, tell me I did not just hear those words come outta my own son’s mouth,” Madea said, her voice rising in intensity. “I might just have to lay down some spicy Louisiana ass-whoopin’ on yo sorry self !” “No! You’re not real! I created you! No one can be this… this zany!“ Tyler shouted at the old harpie. “This isn’t happening!” he screamed, and swung his fist at Madea. His hand was met with the crunch of breaking glass. Tyler drew back his bloodied fist, and saw that he had shattered his own bathroom mirror. Suddenly feeling sick, he slowly raised his good hand to his face and felt… bright red lipstick? He probed further and pulled off a silvery-


purple wig. Panicked, he sharply looked downwards, and a pair of thick horn rimmed glasses fell off of his nose and cracked on the

bright orange tile. Now in a complete mental breakdown, Tyler fled the bathroom, making it into his front yard before tripping on his lilac-patterned muumuu. On his belly he felt not cool grass, but rubber. He ripped off the fat suit in disgust, hoping that the memory of Madea would go with it. He would feel no such peace “Halleluyer, praise the Lord!” shouted Madea from within his own head. “That’s right chile, I’m a part of you. Always have been.” Tyler curled into a fetal position, clawing at his own scalp. He couldn’t remember much after that. ..... It was a gray morning at Grady Behavioral Health Services in Atlanta. At the end of the hall reserved for the most severely affected patients, a group of psychiatrists and

churchgoers was gathered in a small room. A clean-cut man in a lab coat paced back and forth in front of a chalkboard. “I have invited y’all here today to present an extremely unique case,” he said. “My name is Dr. Dwayne K. Wayans, PhD, and I have made it my life’s work to study cases like the one brought to my attention just yesterday. I am an expert in the phenomenon of comedic actors who gradually absorb the personalities of their characters. Two of my very own brothers once suffered from the condition, and that is what inspired me.” “What exactly makes you so qualified?” asked an audience member. “Well,” replied Dr. Wayans, “have you ever heard of a certain Edward R. Murphy?” “Yes, of course I have!” “Prior to my treatment, Mr. Murphy would believe that he was Professor Sherman Klump for months on end, making all sorts of contraptions out of things he found around the house. His wife couldn’t take it, so she divorced him. Poor fellow wasn’t even aware it happened until I cured him. His movies have never recovered, but he is mentally stable. “So why can’t Tyler be cured?” “Mr. Perry’s case, unfortunately, is more severe. I have performed a number of cognitive tests, and it seems that the Madea personality has taken over completely. You see,” said Dr. Wayans emphatically. “Mr. Perry wanted to be Madea. And now, he is. Likely permanently.” ..... As the exposition outside continued, Tyler sat huddled in his cell, with unblinking eyes and a look of contentment on his makeup-smeared face. “Aw heeeell no, they did not just lock up a defenseless old woman in here!” he thought in Madea’s voice. In the distance, a faint laugh track could be heard. “One day those fools will see. My old ass wouldn’t even harm a fly…”

Spring 2015

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WHAT DO YOU SEE? YOU COULD BE A CANNIBAL.

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PLEASE CONTACT MICHIGAN CANNIBAL HOTLINE 281-330-8004 BROUGHT TO YOU BY GIL BORMAN


Men poop. Women poop. Kids poop. Babies poop. People poop after they eat. Some people even poop on the street. Everyone poops, I’m sure you’re aware, but the best kind of pooping is showing you care! A person who makes you feel some kind of way, will find their way into your life someday. You might both go out on a fancy first date (be sure to eat all of that food on your plate!) A magical evening now lays in your sight, a festive digestive romantic delight. That rumbling feeling deep down in your tummy, later on is something to share with your honey. So get nice and comfy in your big soft love bed, the time has arrived, kill that light overhead. Squat over your lover, you’re both now undressed, and release all your happiness onto their chest. You look down and smile to see what was done, a heart shaped brown plop on that one who’s the one. You’ve proven yourself to the person you love, by dropping some poos on their chest from above. Poop is the way to let them know, exactly how far your romance will grow. Everyone poops on each other. Lay a log on your dog and smother your brother. Spring 2015

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A.O. SCHLONG PRESENTS The AVN Awards An event often overshadowed by the Academy Awards, the Adult Video News (AVN) awards also recognize achievement in various aspects of the creation and marketing of great American films. This year, A.O. Schlong-esteemed Pornhub commenter and critic--offers a brief summary of this year's most promising films.

The Grand Budapest Motel: A male concierge working in a motel full of women must prove his innocence of impotence by making love to every guest in the inn.This film’s rich use of color and aspect ratios to transition between women and rooms sets it apart from recent erotica. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought Wes Anderson himself directed this masterpiece.

babes” despite tensions that threaten to tear their friendship apart. This film’s stellar performances shine through any shortcomings in direction and pacing. Chode Taintum goes to great lengths to show that he can act just as capably with his mouth’s orifice as with his member’s orifice. The climactic money shot is one of the best in years, and will likely slide this film through awards season.

The Masturbation Game: In the midst of World War II, a bunker of male counter-intelligence officers must relieve their sexual tensions before they risk everything. A refreshingly progressive beefcake flick-Bennadick Cuminback stars in a breakout role and will be an actor to watch as he is thrusts into future films.

The Queery of Everything: Loosely based on memoirs about disability, The Queery of Everything grapples with a couple’s shifting sexual appetites in the face of anatomical adversity. A potpourri of scenes featuring wheelchair sex across several combinations of sexual identities, straddles a thin line between impressive acrobatics and erotic fetish. Stellar performances by both actors, and an honest look at the juxtaposition of marriage and broadening sexual tastes.

Big Hero Sex: A young robotics prodigy builds a team of machines to fulfill his wanting sex life. The 2015 Oscars may have snubbed non-white actors, but this gem has no such shortcomings. A wealth of culturally diverse talent and practical effects work brings to life this catalog of fetishes that, previously, was restricted to the fringes of prestige porn. Foxycatcher: Based on the tragic real-life story of a US Olympic wrestler and his beloved coach who, together, pursue and bed legions of “foxy

Honorable Mentions: Inter-testicular, Onto the Wood, Birds, Man or (The Unexpected Virgins of Ignorance), Whips & Lashes, American Sniper A.O. Schlong is an American journalist and film critic. He serves as chief film critic for Pornhub. His expertise has been featured on such outlets as Facebook Best Porn Comments, Imgur, and Reddit.

The Gargoyle’s Biggest Oscar Snubs of 2014 Tinseltown was abuzz earlier this year over what seems to be an unusually controversial Oscar season. Pundits pondered over the snubs, slights, and disses dished out by the Academy this year. Gargoyle Entertainment Analyst Chris Seeman investigates the real reasons behind these mysterious omissions.

THE LEGO MOVIE for Best Animated Feature The LEGO Movie, considered a favorite to win the category, was shockingly snubbed. Rumor has it the picture could have been nominated had the devastating alternate ending not been cut. In the scene, President Business violently tortures Emmett by making him walk on a path of LEGO bricks as he begins to read apocalyptic poetry. This scene provided a needed wake up call to the children’s Hollywood, a searing condemnation of the corporate American landscape. Not to mention the Hungarian Angst Ridden Children’s Choir’s rendition of “Everything Is Awesome” playing in the background. What a wasted opportunity. GONE GIRL for Best Picture Pundits were shocked when the crowd

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by Chris Seeman

favorite and critically acclaimed adaption of Gillian Flynn’s novel was only nominated for Best Actress. A closer look reveals the underlying issues. Unlike immaculately crafted films such as The Cat in the Hat and The Great Gatsby, Gone Girl just stays too close to its source material. By sidestepping opportunities at promotional fast food tie-ins, new CGI characters, and the opportunity to split the final half into two movies Gone Girl failed to reach out to a broad audience. David Fincher still needs to work on his adaptation skills.

JENNIFER ANNISTON for Best Actress (Cake) Jennifer Anniston’s performance generated serious Oscar buzz yet her name wasn’t read on January 15th. Several reports rumor that Academy voters felt cheated when the synopsis of Jennifer Anniston turning into a baked good, humorously struggling with her new life before Matthew Perry unknowingly eats and kills her, was a fabrication. The voters did not hide their disappointment with the sadness porn they watched instead. SNOWPIERCER for Best Production Design The look of the train played a huge role in creating Snowpiercer’s cult following last year, but something about it just rubbed Academy voters the wrong way. The filmmakers likely blundered by setting the film in a generic “futuristic” setting, when with little adjustment, the movie could have been set it Nazi occupied Poland during WWII. Like so many films before it, Snowpiercer ignores the ripe possibilities of a World War II prestige picture, alienating Academy voters.


Obituaries

ANN ARBOR-- Dr. James A. Forsythe, born January 9th 1955, passed away on January 8th. Professor Forsythe was a very private man of few words, and fewer friends. His passion for education in the field of biology knew no bounds, and many students benefited from his dedication. Professor Forsythe attended Harvard and eventually completed a PhD at the University of Minnesota. His work in the study of the reproductive habits of prairie voles was respected by his peers and also by his students. Dr. Forsythe had a particular talent for expressing the details and importance of his vole related studies to those outside of the research. Nobody in the Biology department really knew enough about Dr. Forsythe to write a whole obituary so we just cut and pasted some of his reviews from RateMyProfessor.com “I passed Bio 317 just because of this dude! Take his class!”

“Sometimes he just kinda starts talking about prairie voles mating instead of the course material. It’s kinda uncomfortable because he gets really emotional when he starts talking about how they mate for life; he looked so sad and muttered ‘why did you leave Susan?’ I’ve never met her but I think Susan is probably an asshole.” “The tests had NOTHING to do with the lectures. Everything he said was about voles and then the test was about actual biology. Pick up your syllabus day 1 and then just read the book.” “Only thing I can say is never mix up a vole and a lemming in front of this guy. Never seen somebody get so angry in office hours before.” “He used to stare at my girlfriend and kept calling her Susan on accident. Seriously dude, you’re like 70. But as far as the class went, I’ve got no complaints, learned a lot and got an A for it.” “Love Professor Forsythe! Didn’t learn much biology, but he gives you an A if you promise not to tell anybody when he cries during office hours.”

Spring 2015

This is what we think a prairie vole may or may not look like.

“All I needed was a C to graduate, I got a C- by half a goddamn point. Does he round up, nnnooooo. ‘I don’t round up, the class was already curved.’ I’m getting an econ degree, it’s not like someone’s gonna get hurt because I don’t know enough about population bottlenecks.” “Great class but I don’t think the professor knows how to use a computer. Never answered emails and when I asked him about it he would just smile and nod a lot.” James Forsythe is survived by a small aquarium of fish found in his apartment. The fish have now found a new home after being adopted by his neighbor; police indicated that while the fish seemed sad that James had died they were glad to have found such a nice new home. It is thought that if his fish could type, spell, have emotions, and form human thoughts, they too would have written wonderful things about him on his Rate My Professor page. -- E.A. Chavis Obituary Guy

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GARGOYLE PREMIUM F

airly or not, the Gargoyle has faced criticism throughout its history for its focus on low brow humor and the audience that comes with it. However, we at the Gargoyle intend to change that perception. To this end, we have created a premium section of our magazine intended exclusively for high brow, high net worth, and high status individuals. To continue reading, please send a payment of $387.95 to the Gargoyle offices, 420 Maynard St., to verify your wealth. This quarterly payment helps us to keep out the riff raff, as anyone who would miss $387.95 is clearly too poor to read our new and exclusive Premium section. If you have not made the payment, please skip this page. In this Issue:

Legal Tender With Albert Tender, Attorney at Law Legal Tender is a syndicated column in over four publications Welcome to this month’s edition of Legal Tender. Today, we’re talking about an issue that is faced by nearly fifty percent of American families, but an issue delicate and often uncomfortable for one hundred percent. I’m talking, of course, about divorce. When you and your wife (or husband, but seriously, wife) decide to file for divorce, it is important to remain amicable throughout the process. More important, however, is that you consider your children when you and your partner divorce. Your children are your own

flesh and blood, your legacy, and most importantly, a valuable bargaining chip in divorce negotiations. Most of my clients come in to my office hoping that I can help them keep full custody of their young children. As I often tell them, this approach may seem appealing at the time, but tends to be shortsighted. They seem shocked at first, but soon realize that it’s easy to make or find another child. Not so with the family boat! Yes, unless you signed a pre-nuptial agreement with your bride-to-no-longerbe, half of your past, present, and future wealth is at risk. Your wife may say she’s accustomed to a certain lifestyle, but you are too. Why should you settle for

a waterpark in your backyard when you used to have two waterparks in your backyard? This is why your children are such a crucial bargaining chip. Your wife just might agree to take substantially less of your money in the divorce settlement if you give her full custody. You’ve just bought yourself financial stability for the low price of your own flesh and blood! You may miss those kids, but if you’ve followed my advice from previous columns, you already have a younger, sexier second family in Sacramento just waiting for Daddy Bigbucks to come home (come to think of it, the whole “second family” thing is probably the reason for your divorce in the first place. Whoops).

Wealth is Relative, You’re Relatively Stupid By That One Girl who wrote the Relative Wealth Piece for the Daily How much money did your parents make last year? Mine made 250K. How much does your home cost? Mine costs 2 million. As a published author and financial analyst, I’ve noticed a problematic trend around campus recently: a lot of you dipshits don’t know a goddamn thing about wealth. If I’ve said it once (I did) I’ve said it a hundred times: Wealth Is Relative, you’re just relatively fucking stupid. You see, I may be a girl of modest means but at least I know where I land on the totem pole. I rock a Canada Goose and live in the secret 51st floor of Zaragon (they don’t let the plebs in 50 know about us) and I fall smack dab

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in the most middlest center of Middle America. I’ve had a lot of people say to me, “Jesse, by any objective measure of capital, you are not middle class” or “Jesse, I don’t think you understand what you’re saying”. If you gluehuffers had actually read my Relative Wealth piece in the Daily, written in the strained prose of a 7th grade social studies project, you might realize that there’s a lot of complex economic theory behind my statements. You see, I’m from Palo Alto, and things cost more there. This is kind of technical stuff but try to stay with me; say you wanted to buy an apple, that apple would actually cost more in California than Michigan! Another example: If you paid money to go see a movie in Palo Alto, you

would not need to pay as much money in Michigan. I can tell some of you are already confused…I wouldn’t expect you to understand, I am a published columnist for the Michigan Daily. My point here is, even though my family lives in one of the wealthiest areas of the country, and my parents pay 50K a year for my tuition, I’m middle class! That’s relativity baby! Geez, is this article still going on? I can’t even remember exactly what my point here was…writing is hard! Anyway, I think that I myself said it best in my original piece: “What is deemed important enough to save up for and what something is worth in dollars can be extremely diverse.” Really makes you think huh? Til’ next time peasants!


Excerpts from The Gargoyle’s Best Flash Fiction Montreal Murder Mystery By Zadie “Zany” Smith, Edited by Luke Collard

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etective Maple C. Leafson of the Montreal Police Department hitched up his slacks, keeled down low, and surveyed the victim. Deceased. He made note of this in his policeman’s ledger which he pulled out of his brown zip-up pocket sack. He proceeded to jot down a brief description of the body. Male, aged between 15 and 86, with brown hair, warm smile (he assumed; the victim’s mouth was stuffed with a hockey puck), and dead, vacant eyes. Clothed in slacks, quite new, probably bought from the Canadian Gap within three days of murder; boots, quite stylish, and a Red Green Show graphic, long-sleeved, crew neck sweater. No coat. “Poor sap must have been freezing, eh,” Detective Leafson murmured. He burped loudly, then peeled back the frozen shirt from the victim’s abdomen to reveal a

telling set of wounds. Leafson was not Detective Horton. surprised, but still he made notes of the “Who?” muttered Leafson, distracted by telling wounds and all they told him in the beautiful countryside. his ledger. “These bruises are clearly the Horton heard the who, and responded work of hockey sticks, Horton. It looks politely “Rod the God Lightning, of like the Montreal Moose Gang has struck course.” again.” Detective Hoosier S. Horton, right “Well, I’ve seen enough,” Leafson sighed. behind Leafson, shook his head in polite “Hows aboot we hit up the Tim Horton’s, disgust. eh? I think they got a three dollar special “Some people just don’t have no manners on flapjacks today.” these days,eh.” “Three dollars? Well, darn it all then, Leafson nodded his head toward the that’s quite reasonable.” puck lodged in the victim’s mouth. “They The two detectives nodded politely to left their calling card.” Horton bent down the lone policeman at the site and walked and tenderly removed the puck, inspected off toward the Tim Horton’s across the it, and gave a grim nod. It was stamped street. They ate flapjacks while the body with the infamous words Sorry ‘boot dat, was bagged and tagged, watching from eh? Sincerely, da Montreal Mooses. the booths by the window of the Horton’s. “This must be the work of their leader, They were lucky to get a booth; everyone former Vancouver Canucks player number in town was there for the flapjacks. 27, Rod ‘Lightning’ Drigandsz,” said

Death of an Adverb By Michael Flynn

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xactly swiftly bolted down the vast expanse of white emptiness, relentlessly pursued by a large, yellow, serpent-like creature with a pink tongue. Exactly didn’t know where he was going, exactly. He didn’t know what the creature wanted, or why it was chasing after him so ceaselessly. He only knew that he had to get away, or else he would surely and painfully die a horrible and grim death. Exactly ran and ran and ran as fast and as quick as his little adverbial legs could take him. He ran upwards and downwards, forwards and backwards, diagonally and the other diagonally. But

Spring 2015

it was no use. The creature continued to follow him relentlessly and tirelessly, never stopping for so much as a breath. After what seemed like an eternity, Exactly ran desperately into the edge of the white expanse. There was nowhere left for him to go. The creature closed in on him. Paralyzed and immobile with fear and terror, Exactly noticed that a larger, even more grotesque creature was controlling the yellow, pink-tongued serpent. He looked up into the sky and gazed at the colossal being, with its mess of curly ginger hair and face pock-marked by red spots.

“Please,” Exactly pleaded on his knees. “You don’t have to do this.” The spotted, red-haired behemoth shed a single tear. “Yes I do.” With that, the yellow serpent lunged at Exactly. Exactly closed his eyes, resigning himself to his fate before being engulfed by the serpent’s pink tongue. Robert, sophomore at Pioneer High School, put his pencil away, satisfied that he had eliminated every last adverb from his English essay. He would receive an A- for the paper, with his teacher praising his sparse, economical prose.

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Humans of South U. By Neal Jackson and Nico Pigg

Whats the drunkest you’ve ever been before? “The time that I drank 10 whiskey shots in 15 minutes.”

Whats the worst hangover you’ve ever had? “The time I drank 10 whiskey shots in 15 minutes.”

“Wait, wait, wait, let me get this picture with some bitches!”

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Do you usually go for Ahmo’s or Pita Pit? “I guess I would have to go with Pita Pit. Yeah...Pita Pit for sure. Sometimes Ahmo’s doesn’t have chicken, and I’ve got this coupon on my phone for Pita Pit and I live pretty close by so like…yeah. Definitely Pita Pit.”

“I got roofied during welcome week one time, bro.”


What’s the drunkest you’ve ever been before? “I’ve shut down parties before…like multiple.”

“…”

Spring 2015

What’s the drunkest you’ve ever been before? “It was my 20th birthday. Yeah, my 20th, not my 21st! My friends made me this cake, but when I woke up after drinking all night I couldn’t find the cake, so I asked them if any of them took it. Then they showed me a picture of me eating the cake with my hands, holding up a 2 and a 0 backwards with my fingers.”

Perhaps the drunkest person we met all night was a young man who told us a scandalous story involving the current governor of Michigan. Our interviewee later contacted us and asked not to be included in this piece. We have learned that our interviewee has a high ranking family member in the University (this is all actually true)

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POLICE TRANSCRIPT 31 August, 2012 Captain Martinez’s office (Interrogation -35 minutes) *captain puts phone down*

Lt. Johnson: who was that?

Cpt. Martinez: One of the patrol units picked up a vagrant, we’re gonna have to go through the motions and have someone take a statement. I haven’t got time for this, the commissioner has got my nuts in a vice over this Burger King Bandit case. He’s branching out; he hit a KFC last Friday and with what he did in front of the channel 7 helicopter’s cameras before he ran off... the pressure on this one’s coming straight from the top on this one, he’s making the cops in this town a laughingstock. We’ve got to move fast and we can’t have any mistakes. Who do we have to interview this chump? Lt. Johnson: Just Kowalski and Escobar sir. Everyone good is out solving murders and stuff.

Suspect: 20 years? For what I’ve done? Can’t we work out a deal or something? I’m no criminal, I did what I had to do; my family was hungry. I lost my job. I had to do something...

Escobar: There’s no excuse for what you’ve done, and there’ll be no deal so don’t waste your breath. Suspect: Maybe you’re right…who cares anymore im finished…

Escobar: I’m not even listening anymore; try telling it to my partner. I’m calling the D.A. to throw the book at you. *Escobar exits*

*Kowalski enters. His face is swollen and scratched*

Suspect: I’m ready to tell you everything. I just want a deal. I want to see my kids graduate from high school.

Kowalski: Take it easy. There’s no rush. Can I get you some coffee Cpt Martinez: Lord help us, those two clowns are gonna have to take or something? Donuts? There’s no reason we can’t conduct an interrogation with snacks. the statement, get those idiots in here. Suspect: No thank you. I just can’t take the pressure anymore and I’m Captain Martinez’s office (Interrogation -7 minutes) ready to tell you everything. I think I’m losing it. Cpt. Martinez: Escobar, where the hell is Kowalski? You two idiots Kowalski: Yeah, you do look pretty tired. You want to take a nap or see anything last night? something and we can do this later. Escobar: We saw some kids, approximately 13, illegally skateboarding in the street around 11; we followed procedure and started to notify them of their rights when they ran. Kowalski was attempting to utilize his Tazer when he tripped and took a shrub to the face. He’s getting that looked at now. Cpt. Martinez: Christ, get the shrub out of Kowalski’s ass and get over to interrogation Rm. 4; there’s a guy there you need to take a statement from.

Escobar: It was his face sir, not his ass. And more of an bush than a-Cpt. Martinez: Get out of my office.

Just Outside of Interrogation 4 (Interrogation -1 minute) Kowalski: What did the captain say this was about?

Suspect: No, I need to get this off my chest right now.

Kowalski: Listen friend, the way I see it, a man only has to answer to his conscience. However bad you feel, I’m sure things will get better. There’s no need to do anything rash, why don’t you come back in a few days after you’ve thought everything over. Suspect: I can leave? *Kowalski exits*

Outside Interrogation 4

Kowalski: I don’t think this loonie knows anything. He’s delirious, rambling about his conscience.

Escobar: I’m gonna give it one more crack. Maybe If I spook him a little more he’ll spit something out.

Escobar: He didn’t specify, but it sure sounded important. Let’s just give him the old good-cop bad-cop. I’ll go in first and scare him, then Interrogation Rm 4 you come, be his buddy, and he’ll let his guard down. Escobar: My partner may have bought your bull but I know what you are! People like you are ruining this city, people like you who waste Interrogation Rm. 4 police time and get their laughs making false reports while we could *Escobar kicks door open* be out catching real criminals like that madman the B.K. Bandit! Escobar: So you want to make a statement hunh? I’ve got a statement You’re gonna go down HARD for wasting police time! I’ll write your goddamn ticket right now! for you! We don’t need your statement, we’ve already got a case; it’s just a matter of filing the paperwork with the D.A. I hope you look Suspect: Wait, who do you think I am? Do you guys have a sketch of good in horizontal stripes ‘cause that’s all you’ll be wearin’ for a long, that B.K. Bandit guy? I’m uh... just asking for a friend. long time. Escobar: No, but just because we’ve got no idea who HE is doesn’t Suspect: Fine, fine, I just can’t take the pressure any more. Constantly mean YOU can get away with anything, and that includes wasting living in fear of a knock on the door, thinking every siren is for you... police time. We can give you up to 15 hours of community service! It’s too much! I can’t take it, I haven’t slept right in weeks! Honestly, Suspect: Uh, officer, I just came in to let you guys know that I saw being locked up now, it’s a relief more than anything else. some suspicious looking characters chasing skateboarders around a Escobar: Pressure? You wanna talk to me about pressure? I’ll tell parking lot last night. Sorry if you’re busy. you about pressure. Pressure is a cell block full of killers. Pressure is Escobar: Oh. Umm I wouldn’t worry about that, I’m sure they were sleeping on a bunk bed with the crazed killer of Kennesaw County. They say you come in with only two things in prison: your spirit and upstanding citizens. Have a great day. You can leave by making a left your asshole. I’m telling you now, you’ll be lucky to walk out with just at the end of the hall. one of those in 20 years. Suspect: *smiling* Good luck catching the Bandit.

14


Reporter William Cotillard’s

BRIEF INTERVIEW WITH A HIDEOUS MAN

G

uh, new religion. argoyle Cullinary/Crime reporter William Cotillard sat down for Q: The UFO sex cult? That one? an exclusive interview with the Hamburglar, best known as a mascot for culinary Hamburglar: That’s right, we were Raëlians. Grimace, Captain Crook, and myself. It was giant McDonalds during the mid 1980’s. good for McDonaldland, really. We started to Q: I’ve got to ask first and foremost…why become more peaceful and sharing, at least for a hamburgers? while. McCheese was running a corrupt, broken Hamburglar: You serious? Shit, I dunno...love, system. The Raëlians might have been a cult, but at least we had more integrity than McCheese. I guess. My first love. What else, right? Back when I was a kid, I used to prance around Q: So what went wrong? the Hamburger Patch. I mean, this was the late Hamburglar: In short, the Mayor and Ronald 70’s, you know? I mean, these burgers, Jesus, McDonald himself didn’t approve of our sexual these burgers were somethin’ else. Back then I practices. It was Grimace. Mostly Grimace. was called The Lone Jogger, I didn’t look like a Grimace was the fucked up one. Sometimes kid, but, I mean, that’s another story. we’d all get a little too loaded, and one day, sure Q: Tell me more about this, please. Why did enough... you look so old and troll-like? What was going Q: Yes? on? Hamburglar: Officer Big Mac caught Grimace Hamburglar: Um, things were getting pretty diddlin’ some of the Fry Kids in the French Fry crazy when Grimace and I were hittin’ the gas. bush behind his garage. That bastard, you know, Q: Hittin’ the Gas? So...you had a marijuana I swear to this day he was on somethin’ else. problem? Is that what you’re saying? Why was he purple? I’d ask myself. I swear to Hamburglar: No, no, of course not. It was gas. this day, it was the purple cough syrup he was always drinking. He got the Fry Kids hooked Gas fumes. Grimace had a sweet garage and on it, too. I was there when he got caught. Big we’d get doped up on the fumes before he, me, Captain Crook, and some of the dumbfuck Fry Mac and Ronald kicked the shit out of us all. Grimace, that dumb fuck…nothing was the Kids went and raised hell in McDonaldland. same after that. In the 80’s we all went through a That Mayor McCheese sent his tight butthole bitch Officer Big Mac to keep an eye on us. And big reform, got clean and shit. that’s when those guys all found out about our, Q: But you’re still stealing hamburgers. Why?

Spring 2015

Hamburglar: Because I’m selfish, that’s what you want me to say, right!? Christ, look at me. Just look at me, look at what I’m wearing! Look at my cape and my big black hat! This is what I am! I’m a thief ! I wear a black mask to cover my face! What else could I be? How could I change, I don’t have the freedom. The free will, it’s just...I wanted so much to be with Birdie. And...they took away my freedom. McDonald’s, they did it. Q: Birdie...Birdie the Early Bird? Bringer of breakfast foods?

Hamburglar: Yeah, yeah. She came along, and it was when I was gettin’ clean and whatever. It was like I was looking at a new dawn...only to watch it fade away in the distance, through the bars of my cage. Q: She didn’t approve of the hamburglaries?

Hamburglar: Hey, listen, I’ve moved on. I’ve accepted the life of a hamburglar. I mean, what else is there to say? Q: Okay, okay, last question then. What’s for lunch today? Hamburglar: Your quarter pounder with cheese, bitch.

The Hamburglar then took this reporter’s burger, and put on cool sunglasses as he walked out of the room. He ate the burger with his red-gloved right hand, as he flipped me off with his left.

15


MIKE FLYNN Honest Resume Objective Wenches and currency Education UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN B.A. Communications, Class of 2015  GPA: 2.3/4.0 (2.9 in major)  Academic probation, Fall 2012 and Winter 2014  Attended 5 or fewer lectures for 7 consecutive semesters Experience THE MICHIGAN DAILY Opinion Writer, October 2013-November 2013  Wrote op-eds containing some combination of thinly veiled racism, sexism and homophobia  Grossly misinterpreted First Amendment  Added obscenities to spots in articles where my editor suggested changes  Left pubic trimmings in Gargoyle office MICHIGAN RADIO Intern, September 2012-October 2012  Organized CDs and records for DJs to play on the air  Stole “Led Zeppelin II” by Led Zeppelin, “2112” by Rush; returned “Soul Provider” by Michael Bolton severely damaged and covered in ejaculate  Snuck into station after hours, said words such as “dildo” and made Beavis and Butthead noises on the air  Totally banged hot co-worker  You’re right, I didn’t actually FREELANCE Drug Dealer, September 2011-present  Sold drugs to kids in my hall (usually weed and adderall, occasionally salvia)  Accumulated knowledge on the business side of drug dealing, as well as an extensive understanding of the properties of various drugs  Got addicted to bath salts Special Skills  Total lack of respect of all authority figures  Passable Seth Rogen impression  Can juggle (kinda)  Proficient in Microsoft Word, PowerPoint, Paint 16


LSA

COLLEGE OF LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND THE ARTS

LSA Course Guide, School of Information

Below you will find a selection from the University of Michigan's new School of Information Course Guide. We aim to offer our students a comprehensive curriculum of information, and information related content. If something is information, we teach it.

SI 169 – Introduction to the Clitoris

Details

This course will provide the fundamental information necessary to begin to address the mystery of the clitoris. Issues will range from the theoretical (Does the clitoris even exist, or is it a construct of the feminist militia?) to the cultural (Do people of different cultural backgrounds have equal difficulty finding the clitoris?) to the practical (What does the medical literature say about the location of the clitoris, what is it, and how can we find it and please it?). Successful completion of this “entry” level course will provide students with the conceptual tools to understand, and ultimately find the elusive and mysterious clitoris. A perquisite for The G-Spot, Man’s Real Holy Grail and Female Ejaculation; is it just Pee?

Credits:

2

Repeatability:

May not be repeated for credit

Instructor:

Neal Jackson, PhD. in Orgasmic Studies

SI 181 – Pipe Bombs

Details

We’re going to teach you how to make a pipe bomb. That’s it man.

Pipe? Check. Black powder? Check. Fuse? Check. Good to go, brah.

SI 353 – Secrets of the Moo

Details

In this course, students will join Doctor Ferapont Fitzroy on an engaging and exciting journey into the world of animal noises and their secrets. Dr. Fitzroy is most notably known for his work on dissecting and analyzing the information encoded in the trills, squeaks and chatter of the Eurasian Red Squirrel. Red Squirrel sounds were a commonly used method to transmit missile launch codes by the Soviet Union. Dr. Fitzroy’s work was integral to the prevention of all-out nuclear war. This class goes much further into the world of animal noises than just the cow goes moo or the duck goes quack, information hopefully learned from this class’ prerequisite. SI 353 explores the deeply integrated relationship between animal noises and encoded secrets. With help from Dr. Fitzroy, students will decode animal sounds to discover the great mysteries of our era. If you choose to take this course, you will gather the information necessary to analyze the moo of the cow or the quack of the duck to discover who really killed JFK, or the location of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

Credits:

4 quacks

Repeatability:

May not be repeated for credit

Instructor:

Ferapont Fitzroy, PhD. Animal Noises

Prerequisite:

SI 253, The Sounds Animals Make

SI 360 – Shapes

Details

What exactly is the difference between a triangle and a square? Exactly how many shapes are there? Are there shapes in the 4th dimension? Just what is a shape anyway? SI 230 provides students with an introductory survey to the field of shapes and shape related technologies. Topics covered will include triangles, rectangles and cubes, curvy shapes, and the rhombicuboctahedros. Advisory Prerequisites: SI 140 Lines.

Credits:

5 tesseracts

Repeatability:

May be repeated infinitely

Instructor:

Cuby McCuberton

SI 484 – 20th Century Hacky Sacks

Details

This course will teach students how to wow strangers and with intense freestyle footbag technique. Tricks taught include the Frigidosis, World Peace Kick, and the near impossible Chilly Philly Sauce. In addition, students will learn about proper protective equipment and the fascinating history of this great sport. Students will be required to sign a waiver, as hacky sacking is extreme and dangerous.

Credits:

4

Repeatability:

May be repeated for credit

Instructor:

Jan Weber

Spring 2015

Adv. Prerequisite: SI 284, YoYo Tricks and History

17


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Spring 2015

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20


FAFSA

Application Window: March 25, 2015 2 hours later on March 25, 2015

Fucking Awful Futile School Assistance by Ellen James

Step One: Why not just give up? 1. Are you poor? a.Yes. Give me money. b. No, but that doesn’t stop my parents from forcing me to fill this out each year. c. Considering my loan debt from last year, when you didn’t give me anything? Why yes, yes, you could say that. Jesus, don’t be so condescending as to act like you care. d. My family, technically speaking, isn’t poor… But I am poor as shit. e. Back on my own planet I rule a kingdom, but here I am a mere peasant.

5. Please respond to the following statements with the choices provided: I’m a little monkey and I will dance for my money a. Strongly Agree b. Agree c. Don’t pick this one d. This one either

2. What is your biological sex? a. Male, but I really don’t want to die in a stupid fucking war so please help me. Please. b. Female. This is literally the only time that the extra X chromosome is of use. c. Female. Bearded. d. Male; but because of the stupid fucking communist liberals I know you’ll use that against me. I have rights, you know! MRA! MRA!!! e. My biological sex is not of importance. I am a perfectly normal human mangirl, seeking another mangirl to aid me in feeding my offspring.

6. What do your parents do for a living? a. Don’t know. I haven’t seen them since I failed to “pray the gay away”. b. They both have jobs that have nothing to do with the degrees they got in college. c. Strong Man and “Femme Fatale”, the famous traditional sideshow geek. d. Father’s in meth manufacture/distribution. Mother runs the laundromat they own. e. My species consumes its parents at birth.

3. Are you married? (We’ll give you more money if you are) a. No… b. But it’s tempting. c. …Really, really tempting… d. Will you marry me? Please? e. I’ll implant my eggs on the honeymoon!

7. What is your household’s annual income? a. N/A. b. $69,821. c. As circus freaks, documentation of income is not our way. d. Before or after the cost of bribes, laundering, and “protection”? e. 10,000,000 N’kriats.

4. In the space provided below, write the name of your first grade school crush. Did things work out? ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________ ______________________________________________

Spring 2015

I am not a member, nor ever have been, of the communist party a. Strongly Agree b. Agree c. Disagree d. Товарищ!

8. Any history of arrests, charges, or felonies? a. None; was taken to a prison once to be “Scared Straight” after my mother found the copy of Harry Potter I was reading in 3rd grade. b. None; I’m boring. c. I once shoplifted a banana from a convenience store, and later attempted robbery using the banana as a fake hand gun (I had it hidden in my pocket). d. Nothing that enough “greasing of the wheels” couldn’t take care of. e. Not on this planet, at least. Back home, I am guilty of high treason and public nudity.

21


Alumni Ad by Paul Dobbertin

BY GILLIAN GOLDEN 22


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